All the Fucks

**NOTE: There's some unboxing happening from 8:00-14:50, in case you wish to skip!**

Bring the holly jolly with your hosts, fuckbuddies! Today Jen + Lillian remember disastrous yules of yore, talk perfect gifts (and unforgivable ones), and do some very niche unboxing!

Happy holidays, Fuckbuddies! Well, Jen + Lillian meant to bring the merry and bright, but instead succeeded in bringing the creepy and horny. It's a Christmas miracle!

Gobble gobble, fuckbuddies! Who are we kidding? Thanksgiving is *hard.* Being on earth is *hard.* Come cuddle with Jen + Lillian and listen to us re-regulate and re-parent after a lifetime of holiday trauma!

Now that spOoOky szn is over, Jen + Lillian are nesting cozy and diving deep into some of the best ways to take care of ourselves, through the holidays and beyond.

Happy SpoOoOoOky Halloween, fuckbuddies! We're back with more spine-tingling tales for a very scintillating Samhain! So turn off the lights, grab fistfuls of candy, and remember that whatever you are for Halloween, you are obviously the Sexy Version.

We're back from summer vacation, fuckbuddies--and all we got was this darn COVID. Stories of maladies, melodies, and no-undies galore in our grand return, plus: spOoOoOoky Halloween!

We're fat as hell, and we're not gonna take it anymore! (Thanks to IN-209, New York's new legislation protecting workers from size discrimination!) Today, Jen + Lillian celebrate this landmark win, advocate for body neutrality despite being unreasonably hot, and talk a whole lot about the labor revolution that we find ourselves in.

And actors--you can be part of it RIGHT NOW!

Vote YES to this strike authorization: https://vote.ivsballot.com/sagaftra2023/

Happy spring, fuckbuddies! What a time to pack up a pic-i-nic basket, stroll through the Meadowlands, and find... an abandoned asylum? Join Jen + Lillian as they uncover one of the weirdest places in North Jersey--Snake Hill. (Spoiler alert: it's basically the plot of POLTERGEIST!)

Hop in the back and come on down to the Pine Barrens of New Jersey with Jen + Lillian! Don't worry if you forgot your flashlights--the blazing red eyes from the creatures in the woods will light the way! Today, we dish on the trouble with Wife Guys, the many storied creatures of the Garden State, and the bird app that you actually *should* download.

It's true--we're still back, baby! Today, Jen+ Lillian discuss the transformative EAT, PRAY, LOVE trips of their lives. From nostalgic camp memories to fleeing nuclear fallout, the stories today are cathartic, cinematic, and a little ridiculous.

We can't let November begin without one more send-up to spOoOoOky Halloween! We talk Jen's first proper adult Halloween, definitively rank the best horror movie baddies, and try to fight the siren call of maternity pants--all before we chill you to the bone with more terrifying stories from beyond the veil.  

Are you ready for another spOoOoOky Halloween with Jen + Lillian, fuckbuddies? We are thrilled to bring back the infinitely creepy Jezebel stories, true tales from dubious dating apps, chilling chateaus, and--as ever--fucking Florida. 

While convalescing bedside--respectively from un-COVID and knee surgery--Jen + Lillian wax rhapsodic about high school reunions, the joy of Amazon Slime, and exciting fat representation on TV. 

After an impossibly frought and endless sojourn in the Midwest, Jen finally rejoins Lillian in the land of the  ̶f̶r̶e̶e̶  pizza--New Friggin' Jersey. Listen to a tale of an unbelivable move that gets more and more bonkers as we go!

Here it is, your first brand new episode from Jen + Lillian! There's no theme today, fuckbuddies--just two best friends who haven't done a full "I can't even" download for seven whole months. Learn about why we've been gone, Southern colonial dinner fare, and who's getting hot and heavy (spoiler: it's a puppy!).

In a final unaired episode, Jen + Lillian explore their journals from their first intrepid days in the world as Grown-Ups (read: freshly 23, and brand-new in New York City with a BA in Theatre Arts). And oh boy, does the Big Apple have some adventures in store for these two young, green, pie-eyed gals. Get ready for tales of questionable student films, early days of Ani DiFranco, and all the multi-level  ̶c̶u̶l̶t̶s̶ marketing you can handle!

OKAY SO WE KNOW THIS IS WEIRD. We know it's been 196 days since we checked in, said hello, kept you company in the car-shower-kitchen-dark. Lots of you are asking: is All the Fucks over? Nay, fuckbuddies--WE ARE BACK! We're here, we're queer, we're taking our meds and trying our best! Get ready for the return of your (we hope favorite) rad fat fairy godmothers as they process a whole lotta life and trauma together. 

Fuckbuddies, it's Lillian's birthday! Join Jen + the birthday girl as Jen paints a glorious picture of Capricorn Excellence, we reflect on some of the best internetting for our mental health, and we chase our desires for the year ahead. 

What's that, fuckbuddies? The world is one giant FOX Christmas tree on fire? Let Jen + Lillian distract you with a great big Dollop of Christmasy proportions--1986's BABES IN TOYLAND, starring an eerily on-the-brink Drew Barrymore and Keanu Reeves in his most adorable role of all time! And if you haven't seen this epic, traumatizing gem, don't wait one more moment--it's on Prime right now. You're welcome.

Fuckbuddies, we know--it's shaping up to look like another superspreader Christmas. Whether you are hunkering down, testing positive, or avoiding a long-awaited flight, Jen + Lillian are here to bring you a little bit of comfort and warmth, and a reminder that not absolutely everything this year was horrid. As we remember our high points of 2021, we encourage you to take inventory of the blessings that may have befallen you this year. Stay safe, be well, and happy holidays, everyone! 

LOLOL. Well fuckbuddies, what more do you expect from our second Christmas in quarantine?! A journey down Kris Kringle lane gets interrupted by a tech snafu, and Jen cobbles together something for your virtual stockings from the peaceful oasis of Newark Liberty Airport. Ho Ho Ho! 

Welcome back, fuckbuddies! Ever mock up a hall pass or fake a headache to get out of dodgeball? Today, Jen + Lillian reflect on those seemingly innocuous childhood tendencies that, frankly... should have warranted a bit more adult intervention. With our collective goldfish memories, social withdrawal and chronic IBS, the kids are not, in fact, all right. 

Upper East Side paparazzi! Covens of Stepford children! Strange moneypit museums! The Shah of Iran! This one has everything, it's weird, it's complicated. Jen + Lillian haven't even really scratched the surface. But today, we try to give you a nuanced look at the way we perceive class and privilege as children; the imaginary trappings that felt SO important, and the mundane structures that were nowhere to be found. Also, we talk Serious Influencing Business about some of the best (and most ridiculous) underwear on the market. It's a whole journey!!!

It's spOoOoOoky Halloween! Jen + Lillian prepare for a weekend of candy and frights, sharing some of their best horrific recommendations and diving into the Jezebel Halloween archives once more. Don't forget your night light!

Crawl into our blanket fort, and don't forget your flashlight--because tonight, Jen + Lillian are telling you some truly mortifying tales from all across New York! From questionable theatre in the village to a city slicker dude ranch in New Paltz, we share some particularly cringe-worthy diary entries (before the lights go out and we tell you ghost stories!). But the scariest one of all? Why, a house full of Gary Busey, of course. 

It’s October! And you know what that means—putting off dentist visits, perpetually remembering and then forgetting that you hate candy corn, and listening to Jen + Lillian tell you stories that rob you of your precious sleep. This week, we spin you a tale of the skinwalkers of Virginia, ne’erdowell maintenance men, and just how brainwashy LuLaRoe had to be to convince anyone that those dresses were cute.

It's October, and you know what that means, fuckbuddies--time to get spoOoOoOky with Jen + Lillian! We have some thrilling stories just for you--but in this calm before the storm, enjoy the last beautiful, ethereal installment of Francesca Lia Block's NECKLACE OF KISSES. 

Today, we’re going to tell you about—hey wait, did you see this true crime special? What about this epic cult takedown? Surely you must have seen the multi-level marketing miniseries?! Jen + Lillian get sidelined by so much good television and strange cinema it will make your head spin, along with the return of Broadway, champion ferrets, and the unfortunate intimacy of a dog sneeze.

Jen + Lillian are all in their feelings today, so we’re taking you back to the Pink Hotel for some more adventures with Weetzie Bat. But before we do, we explore the insidiousness of sex cults, tinkling when you sneeze, and—can we just talk about the missed opportunity that is LULA RUH-ROH?

Let Jen + Lillian take you behind the velvet curtain today for a backstage pass to some of our cringiest theatre memories! From unlicensed musical snafus, to tyrannical directors, to giant dancing vulvas—we regret it all, fuck buddies. Encore, encore!

Jen + Lillian whisk you back to pink smoggy Los Angeles to continue Francesca Lia Block's NECKLACE OF KISSES. But before we do, can we just talk about horror comedy and why it is the perfect genre? Unrelated, currently seeking looms in gently used condition. Inquire within!

Jen + Lillian return to magical, mythical Los Angeles in Francesca Lia Block's Necklace of Kisses--but not before we dive into our most bingeworthy series, smoothies for every mood, and the merits of erotic cake sitting. 

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue... (and it just might be your cousin Rhonda’s eyeshadow.) There’s no telling what memories you’ll make at a wedding! Today, Jen + Lillian revisit the most iconic weddings of their lives: the opulent, the dramatic, and the downright bizarre. So toss back another Irish coffee and Electric Slide into our mobbed up banquet hall!

In preparation for next week's Very Special Guest, Jen + Lillian once again venture into the punk rock fairy dreamscape of Weetzie Bat with Francesca Lia Block's follow-up novel, NECKLACE OF KISSES. We revisit Weetzie older, now a mother of two grown girls, and how she finds her magic again when all feels lost. 

Welcome back, fuck buddies! Jen + Lillian are back from summer break with stories galore—today, we’re talking accidents, emergencies, and just your average run-of-the-mill mayhem. So cozy up to the edge of your seat, dial 9-1-, and watch out for rogue banana peels...

It's June, and your queer, rad hostesses with the mostesses are ready to celebrate what Pride means to us! Jen + Lillian reflect on the authenticity dam that coming out breaks through, and the wonderous, magical experience of getting to know yourself all over again. (CW/TW: Sexual assault around the 59m mark.)

Growing up, the only thing cooler than a cool mom was a cool aunt. From our parents' contemporaries to very worldly 13-year-olds, Jen + Lillian glommed onto mentors of all stripes: sweet librarians, brassy broads with loud lipstick, and ultra-queer Girl Scout Camp counselors. You are the sum of your parts!

If you feel the need to declutter or tidy while listening to this episode--we don't blame you. Today, Lillian dollops Jen on hoarding disorder--an underreported, stigmatized, misunderstood mental health condition with no successful treatment plan at this time. Lillian shares her story of growing up in an increasingly chaotic and hoarded home full of labyrinthine piles, long-dead appliances, and endless Dollar Store detritus. As ever, we find grace in the heartache. 

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If you or a loved one is suffering from hoarding, and you need someone to talk to, please look up Children of Hoarders on Facebook, or please feel free to reach out to Lillian.