the stillborn author (aka The Real Mother is You)

This reflective piece presented in spoken word (& written below) briefly delves into the realms of befriending the epitome of one's enemy; death.
Death takes, steals, kidnaps our love, our life, our dreams. when death has its way, there is no growth.

In my grief journey with Bridget, I truly met death & vigorously starred at it. It invaded & injured my body, my being on every level. I confronted it & didn't hold back.
I was very frightened of it, it was extremely difficult to do! But I knew I had to.

I hated it so much for taking my baby girl, for breaking me. I had to show death that it was I who was stronger! I will not allow it to steal everything of me.

We conversed, I humbly surrendered myself to its deceitful defeat in order to be able to live again.
Bridget, I learnt that your death was 'just' an excruciating pause in your existence. Death is a pause, your life is eternally bliss. 'Death almost had me fooled'.

Befriending death, my enemy.

What is death? I have seen & felt it. 

Death is a void. It has nothing to give. It steals all of what you have.

It takes, and it takes, and it takes.

It laughs in your face. it knows no pity.

It likes to twist & make your pain burn aloud.

I'm not scared of you anymore. I have come to know you.

Even though it seems you are the end, there is no way out...

It has a way of decapitating life force. but unknowingly, it's temporary.

Death where did you come from? What is your origin?

Why and how do you exist?

You don't find joy in life? It doesn't amuse you, right?

Well, please know I am here to hold you in the night when no one is watching. it'll be alright.

You can confide & find comfort in me. 

Promise.

In this episode, I talk about my 2 subsequent pregnancies after Bridget's stillbirth, with Malachi & my current pregnancy (!)

I talk about the severe anxiety, fear & doubt I experienced with Malachi... and the difference I am experiencing presently during this pregnancy, feeling much more confident, trusting & excited! What the?!

If you are an anxious mess, normally so, I invite you to find activities that calm you right down; meditate, walk, journal, talk, draw, colour in, music etc. The fear is REAL, but let's do our best to nurture our heart, womb and growing (or future) baby. And remember to lean on your angel baby, allow them into this space to love & hold you xo

p.s the photo I've used here is dear to me. I posted it on FB when I was 19wks with Malachi. "(September 28 2018) 💞ing these kisses SO much. Yanek has always been such a nurturing big bro to Bridget & proud to see him doing it again. That's right... 17wks🤰Feeling blessed to be carrying this child. It's all Bridget's doing, I know it. Feeling her protection 💫  
Nonetheless, working through the many fears and doubts... No matter what happens, I love you baba ❤"

Peace & Love,

Angelica

https://www.instagram.com/the_stillborn_author/

https://www.facebook.com/TheStillbornAuthor

"She no longer needs her bones.
She no longer needs her body dust to be harboured in our home.
Parts of you which you've been asking me to set free, for quite some time.
I made myself be ready..." (my spoken word)

Sharing on the topic of bonding, clinging on to & based on Bridget's request... the journey towards releasing her ashes... in our backyard, at our beach, at our park & finally down a waterfall. This is our story x

May this move & inspire your love & grief journey towards newer realisations & deeper adventures.

Finishing off with Freya Riding's song 'Home'... an invitation to further contemplate on your relationship with your grief & your connection with your baby xo

Big love. Angelica.

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If you're interested, pop over to Insta or Facebook, I've shared a few posts about some of my diy sacred rituals in releasing Bridgets ashes xo

https://www.instagram.com/p/CJne_PlBt4-/     https://www.instagram.com/p/CJndq6hB9hD/

https://www.facebook.com/TheStillbornAuthor/videos/575049903362427   https://www.facebook.com/TheStillbornAuthor/videos/857252775120241

For a long time I felt like I was living two lives. One 'life' was here on earth (mainly without Bridget), & the other out in the cosmos spiritually deeply united with Bridget. It was challenging to be living here without her when my entire being was aching to just BE with her ie. in heaven. 

This is my way of trying to express this internal battle & the realisation that came with it.

Hi there. First of all, please take in a nice deep belly to heart breath.... ahhh good. 

I'm glad you are here because this is an intentionally & intuitively created space offering support to bereaved mothers. Having experienced the devastating loss of my darling Bridget to Stillbirth in May 2017, the soul shattering heart-pain is so damn real, yet sadly in our society our loss is often ignored.

Baby/child loss is such a bewildering experience often compounded with a deep sense of isolation. 

When it's difficult to function because you are crippled by the grief and trauma & desperately needing to feel less alone... I hope having me available to just listen to & feel into, whilst driving, in the bath, in bed, while hanging out the washing, shopping or on a walk with your headphones on etc you encounter brief moments of comfort.  We are bound by our intimate love and pain, known as grief.

I pray that by tuning in here, you will feel less alone, because I promise you, you are NOT alone. And that you will experience ways to feel more connected with your unique grief journey, your loss, your love & pain... & more in touch with your darling angel babe.

nb. Like on my socials I'm treating this space like an open diary combined with a tea date with a dear friend. This space is dedicated to my voice, my story & my creative expression... which up until this point has been silenced & repressed & has been unheard. I respect this WILL NOT be for everyone, maybe for just a few, but nonetheless, this is my steppingstone to releasing the limiting beliefs of feeling that I am unheard & voiceless. I will elaborate on this at a later point. But let me just say, the silence around my daughter's stillbirth made my ears want to scream & became the tipping point for my need to grow my voice!

Thank you for hearing me, and in turn, I hope you feel held & heard too.

If Ruth's vocals touched you, you can find her on the (free) InsightTimer app (https://insighttimer.com/) & listen to her beautiful guided meditations, sound healing & breath awareness. This is the world's leading meditation app, I'm sure you will find some therapy here x You can search for specific topics eg. grief, trauma healing, self-love, forgiveness etc.