from LOCAL 10 NEWS: Florida woman drops pants, licks man, dances naked in Waffle House parking lot
Heather installed a stripper-pole in her living room. You can imagine what happens next. But you don't have to imagine, do you? That's what we're here for. The WPOE team discusses the origin story of Waffle House and Trump's ties to Cracker Barrel then embarks on a three-state tour of America's strip-clubs, landing, inevitably, in South Florida, where the Stripper Sushi Guild reigns supreme. Jess eulogizes the late King of Diamonds, a place where the forecast was always "rainy with a chance of meatballs;" Matt tells us about that one time at Tootsies, when he witnessed an eligible bachelor get neutered by a parade of high-altitude crotch-bombs; then Caleb serenades everyone with an acapella version of Major Lazer's "Pon De Floor." This is all bookended by Miami's premiere (strip) club mix-master, DJ Wasabi, the self-proclaimed Resident DJ of E11EVEN, where, apparently, Jess is applying for a job and Matt wants to have lunch. On a Tuesday. Bust out those imaginary strip-club compilation CD's because we're going on a field-trip, Florida!
from the HERALD TRIBUNE: "Florida man steals parrot from Venice pet store by putting bird in shorts pocket"
COVID-19 is a lonely planet, especially for people like Roger, who's been looking for love in all the wild places. Speaking of wild places, it's Spring Break in Florida, and all the masks are off! The WPOE Team tracks our collective Covid trauma from points north all the way down to the mojito-splattered streets of Ocean Drive. Caleb lays out in laymen's terms what to do if you grow a pheromone-horn while on your sojourn in South Florida; Jess wonders what's on the menu at a QAnon burlesque brunch; and Matt imagines what the KUERDAS Reggae Band's rehearsal room smells like. Hint: Everything's covered in Covid. And we are all Ivanka Trump's maid now. Hope you brought a dust-pan, America.
Zip-Tie Guy and his Mom tell their side of the story in this Special Sedition Edition of WPOE.
And the WPOE Team returns with a rendition of Jess's favorite 90's gay-raver tune, "I Do Both Jay and Jane." Caleb pitches his million-dollar idea: Tandem-Bike Capitol Riot Tours. And the Team lays out the pros and cons of Senator Joe McMansion's pandemic stimulus plan. Then, while discussing the astronomical cost of VIP Passes at this year's White Privilege-Palooza, Jess runs into Walmart Ted Nugent, Bernie Sanders gets a pedicure, and everyone else gets a free flesh-eating tadpole. It's no $15 an hour, but it's better than nothing. Time to light a bottle-rocket out of a frog's left eye and take those dirt-bikes out for a joy-ride! Also, why couldn't have Ivanka and Tadpole moved to Tampa? They would have fit right into Tom Brady's pool-house. Just saying.
from Orlando Sentinel: "Man stranded at Lake Eola fountain after stolen swan boat floats away"
from Travel + Leisure: "Man Arrested After Sneaking On To Abandoned Disney World Island For Quarantine"
Oh, the things people will do to make it to Disneyworld just one more time. After taking a long break in their own private pandemic staycation bunkers, Caleb, Jess, and Matt travel back in time to a place where Trump had Covid and Melania admitted to hating Christmas (and kids in cages). Then the team travels to California or Stockholm or wherever the Hadron Particle Collider is located to wax atomic about tiny black holes and the emergence of alternative facts in the inter-dimensional wormhole of a reality we currently reside in. Then they take a break to talk about A FLORIDA STORY and Old Bay action movies and eventually land in, of course, Disneyworld, the weird, glowing, fake emerald heart of Florida, where protein gas and ear wigs control everybody's every movement. Allegedly. There's even a cadre of heavy-metal playing Disney-bots involved. You can hear their soundtrack to the coming Disneypocalypse HERE. To wrap things up, Mo, Carl, and Tess talk about their podcast in that other dimension, Titles For Nothing, and Jess snaps back out of her time-warp to talk about all of those woodland sex parties she's being invited to. Let's not judge each other people; it's the Fall of Rome out here. Someone's fiddling on the rooftops, and that someone might just be Walt Disney's head. Happy Corona-Winter!
from NBC LOCAL NEWS: "Florida woman accused of zipping boyfriend in suitcase, leaving him to die"
Clara's not planning a vacation, but she still packed way too much for her trip. The WPOE team experiences technical difficulties while trying to pinpoint our place on the backwards Mayan calendar, then ponders the benefits of "extreme trauma packing" and the joys of "jaunting" one's troubles away. Frozen Bros on NBC gets a plug, the team posts their reviews of IKEA's Dörkeltrier Bookcase and Hamilton on Disney+, QAnon is spellchecked, Scientologists are tested for COVID-19, and Caleb says a prayer for Tom Waits. Then, as if that wasn't a proper finish to an improper episode, Tom Cruise makes a cameo, and the team tries to avoid a lawsuit from one of Florida's shiniest country music rising-stars, ANDY PURSELL. Hopefully, if we abandon the Roman calendar, we can circumvent that second-wave. Because seriously, folks, forever is a lonely planet.
from LOCAL10.COM: "Woman found dead near cemetery in Brownsville"
Leonard's story is full of ghosts, the same ghosts who haunt the hearts and souls of very many Floridians. The WPOE team hops off the soap-box and summons the spirit of James Baldwin, whose voice echoes in the chambers of the Florida Forum and out onto the streets of every city in America. Music by Orlando's premiere New Orleans-style jazz ensemble, BROWN BAG BRASS BAND.
from WFHN Florida Headline News: "Bunnell man kills neighbor’s dog after it mauls his cat”
There's a Rat Lady loose in the backyards of Bunnell, and she will do anything to protect her babies. It's the third fully-locked-down episode of WPOE, and the team muses from deep in their bunker-holes about drive-through rodeos in Broward, Shining-inspired adventure cruises, and a new acronym for MAGA. Matt tells a heartwarming story about his short-lived and bittersweet time as a lover of rats; Jess and Caleb reveal their own "Plandemic" theory, spelled out in the Navajo covid-code hidden in John Podesta's risotto recipe; and then everything devolves into a series of Jeb Bush booty-calls and cheeseburger boofs with Brett Kavanaugh. Things get back on track when Caleb falls through a Florida folk-hole into a tiki-bar and lands in the lap of Palm Beach County's only progressive folk-music duo, PINK SLIP. And while gazing deep into the quarantine-void, the WPOE team ponders the end of pleasure in post-coronavirus America. Thanks for nothing, Sleepy Joe.
Jess social distances with a mango, and Caleb tries to buy a sandwich in this special locked-down edition of WPOE. The team spends some quality time sniffing their microphones and reminiscing about head-sized margaritas and perfectly-cheesed nacho chips enjoyed in solidarity; then they attempt to accurately measure the emotional weight of the Coronavirus lockdown and search for an antidote to what Jess calls "the Capitalism hangover" we are apparently all experiencing. There is some sudden nostalgia for things not so long since past, Caleb longs for the lost scent of a store-bought album on cassette, and Jess tells us all about MICHAEL FABANO, the man who created the music for this episode while in quasi-quarantine (with some remote help from Matt, also in quasi-quarantine). Also, how much malarkey can you fit in one of Joe Biden's tube socks? Only time will tell. Happy Cinco de Mayo everybody!
From ABC7 WWSB: "Manatee County man arrested for allegedly threatening neighbors with AR-15"
Michael from Manatee County is real mad that someone ripped up his new lawn, but it's not something his Ruger GP100 Double Action 357 Magnum can't fix. Or so he thought. After Michael tells it like it is, the WPOE Team breaks a few 1000-year-old-eggs trying to send their Corona-era quarantine messages into the lonely bunkers of the world. There is a surprise visit from the tiniest of team members, a Bloody Mary virtual toast, and a very serious discussion about the dangers of smoking your own engrams. Then there's a musical break with the quarantine-approved one-man-band, LONE WOLF, and the team rides into overtime on a second wave of Tea Party nationalism and speakeasy barbershops. Be safe out there, Quarantinistas. And remember, Southwest is a terrible airline.
from THE MIAMI NEW TIMES: "Ultra Music Festival-Goer Nearly Dies After Drinking Water Laced With Antifreeze"
Cry, beloved Ultra. Shayna trips hard then her friend trips way harder. The WPOE team dives deep into the thermal-pool of politics and then dives even deeper into the gonorrhea-pool of music festivals; Caleb puts his drug-soaked yurt up for sale, Matt reveals his secret love for Burning Man, and the team breaks down the chemical components of anti-freeze, natural gas and ayahuasca-tea. Then the Westboro Baptist Church and ethnobotanist Terrence McKenna make surprise cameos, Jess explains what a TELEKINETIC WALRUS is, and Matt introduces the world to the TikToc Propane-Challenge (don't do it). Also, would you watch a show called Sleepy Joe's Funhouse? We know we would!
From the MIAMI HERALD: "Two priests parked their car in South Beach. What they were seen doing sent them to jail"
Something happened to Father Kevin on Ocean Drive, something that, for the first time in his life, made him truly believe. The WPOE team follows with an official welcome to Life in the Time of Coronavirus and ponders what wicked things might happen in the back seat of Homer's Honda Odyssey. They quickly move on to the popular topics of God, love, judgement, repression, freedom, release, and Amish "wilding." Then Matt spills his coffee all over the equipment, and everyone responds by diving deep into the wizardry and sublime pleasure of transubstantiation. All of this bookended by the smooth vintage tunes of Sarasota's SWINGAROOS. Oh, and Nightrain has a lawyer, apparently.
from NEWS 96.5 WDBO: "Easter bunny gives beat down in downtown Orlando"
Vicky from Sarasota Springs explains how sometimes the Easter Bunny can be just like a vengeful God. Then Caleb, with the help of Jack "Murph the Surf" Murphy, sets the record straight on surfing in Florida and comes clean on his Christian evangelical past; fake Guns N' Roses makes a cameo; the possible origins of Trump's fake face are discussed; and Caleb talks about shooting real guns in rural Pennsylvania. Also, the "band" NIGHTRAIN plays some music, and the WPOE team talks about the cult of Trader Joe's and the end of "rugged individualism" in America. Welcome to the jungle, indeed.
from CBS MIAMI: "Florida Man Tries To Pay For Fast Food With Bag Of Weed"
When Surfer Jon surfs, he gets hungry, and when he gets hungry, he gets hungry for chicken nuggets, period. Also, when Caleb wonders aloud about surfing, he says "like" a lot, like 30 times a lot. He also can't figure out where the waves are in Florida. Jess tries to explain by waxing surfboard poetic about Ron Jon and Miami's one-and-only surf-noir rock band, HAUTE TENSION. And then everybody learns that the Mayflower was actually just a wooden cruise ship, staffed by indentured servants and that it might still be legal to settle domestic disputes with a sword duel. In New Jersey, anyway. Oh, and the WPOE team concocts a brand new cocktail, the Wayne Hogian.
from ABC NEWS FLORIDA: "Mother charged after 3-year-old son nearly drowns in Florida hot tub."
Deborah from Daytona Beach wants you to know that she's genuinely sad about that kid nearly drowning; but in all honesty, her daughter has a much better shot at snagging Little Miss Sunshine now that that kid is off the stage. Caleb and Jess take the opportunity to free dive into Pageantmomland, Jess revels in the laurels of her time as a baby model and introduces us to a racist crow from the Wizard of Oz; then we learn about American Idol's SYMPHONY HOWLETT and her family's belly dancing parties that Jess apparently frequented as a teenager, and Caleb wonders out-loud about what the party scene must be like behind the dumpster at Miami's Hot Wheels, birthplace of the Quad City DJ's. Also, New World School of the Arts does, in fact, have a football team (maybe); they are the NWSA Pigeons. Or the Burger-Flippers. It depends on who you ask.
from the MIAMI HERALD: "‘Do not warm urine.’ Florida gas station warns people not to put pee in the microwave."
Stanko really doesn't want you to heat up your piss in his microwave. So please stop. Jess and Caleb reveal the secret ingredient in Red Bull and try to pinpoint what gives gas station convenience stores that distinctive "murder hut" smell. Then Caleb declares his love for all things Eastern Europe, Danish astronomer Tycho Brahe makes a cameo, and the WPOE crew sing the praises of the Florida band keeping Death Metal alive, Panama City's CANNABYSS.
from MIAMI NEW TIMES: "Miami Social Media 'Influencer' Arrested on Money-Laundering Charges"
Manuela is not happy about her lambos being impounded. All three of them. But her followers are up, and her new lawyer might catch her a break; so all's good in the land of Instagram. Also, Caleb and Jess somehow make a Judd Nelson connection, momentarily fall down a Breakfast Club hole, deep dive into Instagram Feminism and accidental cultural appropriation, and then tie it all together with all things LA GOONY CHONGA.
from ACTION NEWS JAX: "Florida man battered boyfriend with Billy Bass fish"
Derrick really hated that singing fish. Caleb and Jess try to figure out why and go on a trip with Big Mouth Billy Bass through the troubled corridors of post-capitalist television and into the realm of ancient Babylonian revenge gods. Then they talk about fishing. And Morrissey. Music by Miami's premiere Smith's cover-band, Ordinary Boys.
from WFLA: "Key Largo couple steals motorized shopping cart from Walmart, drives to bar."
Meet Angelyne. She loves horses, and she loves her man; but she loves Fireball most of all. Caleb and Jess talk about the joy and destruction of Florida binge drinking, underage clubbing, and the feeling you get when you hear a reggae band play a cover of your favorite 80's hit while binging on Fireball in a tiki bar. Music by The Supervillians.
from Miami Herald: "Security Officer Fired For Uploading His Farts To Instagram."
Doug the security guard tells his side of the story; Caleb and Jess talk all things Florida, all things flatulent, and introduce the non-polka-loving world to the bombastic sounds of the Europa Band.