Velvet Al Watches Movies So You Don't Have To

We're pretty sure the only reason anyone likes this movie is because Liv Tyler strips down to her underwear.

Offering unscrupulous landlords free cable comes in quite handy for a detective.

Zombie boobs. At least there's that.

Don't challenge David Hasselhoff to a game of racquetball. He will crush you.

We think Velvet Al downloaded the wrong video.

We apologize for ruining Easter for you.

Shouldn't the title "Epilogue" have been saved for the finale?

This film was made possible due to tax cuts from the country of Serbia. We believe that makes "Slotherhouse" an international war crime.

Why do killers set so many arbitrary rules upon themselves?

Is it just us or is that chicken in the cheerleader outfit kind of hot? Bonus: A sitcom pilot so bad it manages to make Rodney Dangerfield unfunny.

Not even a samurai sword is a match for David Hasselhoff.

I am not happy with the Dead Corpse To Angie Harmon In A Bikini ratio in this episode.

What better way to ruin your Christmas?

If Tom Arnold was my brother, I wouldn't tell my wife either.

She not only steals jewelry. She also steals hearts.

What better present for the man who has everything than forcing him to watch bad birthday cartoons?

Shannon Tweed doesn't show her boobs and Roddy Piper doesn't crack one liners. What fresh hell are we living in?

The Hasselhoff Detective Agency sure do take on a lot of cases that don't pay.

We learn a lot about werewolf mythos. We also learn a lot about stripper mythos.

Angie Harmon strips to her underwear and Geraldo Rivera goes into Berserker Rage. On second thought, you might actually want to watch this episode.

The intro disclaimer promised graphic nudity. They lied to us. Also, someone made a pilot for a TV show starring Peter Boyle as a talking dog detective and it didn't get picked up? Further proof there is no justice in the world.

Blood isn't thicker than Hasselhoff.

Most of the episode is spent discussing the finer points of orgy etiquette.

It's the pro wrestlers vs zombies movie that isn't "Pro Wrestlers Vs Zombies."

We already forgot what this episode was about.

How do you say jigglevision in Spanish?

David Hasselhoff in drag and a random performance from Skee Lo. Does television get any better?

The nice thing about adapting public domain stories is that if you want to, you can make the Little Mermaid a stripper.

B.B. King will do anything for a paycheck.

This film suggests that Aliens and Predators have set aside their differences and started mating. That gives us hope for the future.

Learn the origin story of the David Hasselhoff Detective Agency

Not affiliated with Bimbo Bakeries.

It's totally not racist to have the black guy go undercover at a chicken restaurant.

You'd expect a movie about boobs to have more gratuitous nudity.

Angie Harmon being really bad at phone sex gave us chubb.

Or Velvet Al Sees Andy Dick's Nutsack So You Don't Have To

How much would you pay for a night with David Hasselhoff?

Just what are the logistics of a vacuum cleaner having sex with a window?

The psychic's powers are real! And so are her boobs!

It's 4th of July! What can be more patriotic than a killer octopus?

We really hoped the witness was silent because she was a mute. What a let down.

Possibly the only podcast you'll ever hear where someone pontificates on Steve Irwin's sex life.

Wayne Arnold commits crimes for J Peterman while wearing roller blades. It's pretty radical.

We learn that the only thing that can stop a bad clown with a gun is a projectionist with a gun. Oh, and the clown calls himself a joker and shoots up a movie theater. And one of the main characters is named Aurora Palace. So yeah, this movie is as tactful, subtle and sensitive as you'd expect.

Velvet Al is going to watch all the episodes of "Baywatch Nights" so you don't have to. He's not sure why, either.

At no point in the film does the ape wear a lab coat. That's flagrant false advertisement by the cover art.

You don't have to be racist to enjoy this film, but it helps.

"What if noted horror studio Blumhouse decided to make a sex comedy?" is the question nobody asked.

A film so low budget, they couldn't afford to hire some strippers for the strip club scene.

I haven't seen Roger Ebert's colonoscopy, but it probably is more entertaining than this.