Save Your Marriage for Men and Women

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“We’re just not compatible” has been the start of many “we can’t stay together” discussions.  But is it true?  Is there an issue of compatibility?

People from opposite ends of the political and/or religion spectrums get along just fine.  People with opposite tastes in music, food, art, and whatever other “compatibles” there are, manage happy marriages.  People with few or no shared sports or activities still stay in love.

There is one area of compatibility that DOES matter.  I tell you about it in this week’s podcast, along with the reasons why compatibility, for the most part, doesn’t matter for marital bliss.

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Lots of couples act like they are in a competition to win. And they think it is an individual sport, not a team sport!

That’s where the damage happens.  Instead of playing to win at life, they are playing to win against a spouse.

Against.  Anytime you find yourself against your spouse, you can guarantee the outcome is not a win for the team.  It is not a help for the marriage… for the relationship.

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I get this question often enough to know that you may be wondering, too. Is it really possible to save a marriage, or are you just delaying the inevitable?

Many people want to know this before they even start the process. They want to make sure that the effort will be worth it. If not, why go through the struggle, right?

Some people do make the effort to save their marriage… but they never quite get to the point of really changing anything. They might engage a bit, work on it a bit… and they gain some ground. But in reality, nothing changed. It’s more like cleaning a house that is in disrepair. It looks better, but nothing got fixed.

Then, there are others. They decide that they can’t go back. They realize the relationship must change. And change it, they do!

And save their marriage, they do!

The question is really about whether the real change happened, or just a “spring cleaning.”

The choice between the two? All yours.

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It almost seems redundant, doesn’t it? If you have limited beliefs, they could limit something — say, for example, your marriage.

We ALL have limited beliefs that are limiting us. We ALL have blind spots, assumptions, even untrue beliefs. We just don’t notice them. And we pay a price for that.

Especially since we usually fail to notice or address these limiting beliefs.

Here’s the good news: you can change your limiting beliefs.

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The label “Narcissist” gets thrown around far too often without really understanding what narcissism is.

Society has trained us to believe that narcissism is a character or emotional trait, just like depression is.  And in both cases society is wrong.  These are both mental disorders that need to be diagnosed by a trained specialist.

Yet we continue to label our spouses as narcissistic when in fact they are from it.  They may have behaviors that can be seen in people that have been diagnosed with narcissistic disorder.  But that does not make them narcissistic.

Let’s talk about this…

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There are many moving pieces to saving a marriage. And there are many tools you will need, perspectives you need to change, and emotional work you need to do to have this be the outcome.

But it is always the day-to-day, small little things that create the biggest source of connection in any relationship and certainly in a marriage.

In this episode we talk about 2 things you can do today and every day to re-ignite that connection with your spouse...

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In this episdoe I show you how to move with your spouse from "Me to We," even if your spouse is having an affair and/or being obstinate. You'll learn to reconnect and find love again. www.fortifiedspouse.com/optin

Trust is a prerequisite that must be in place before you can rebuild connection with your spouse.

In today's episode, we're going to talk more in-depth about what exactly trust means in a relationship and what elements of trust may be missing or damaged in YOUR relationship.

Then, we'll talk about three unconventional - but powerful - ways you can look to rebuild trust with your spouse, even when things are distant and even when they are adamant about not coming back to the marriage.

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Are you and your spouse addicted to blame?  Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse’s fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)?

Or maybe you are just blaming yourself.  You see this whole mess as YOUR fault.

Blame has one single outcome — STUCK.  It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility).

Blame is highly corrosive to connection.  And it freezes up the process of change.  It freezes out any chance for change.

And it is unnecessary.  (Oh, and don’t fall into the trap of just changing who gets the blame.  Blame your spouse or blame yourself.  Same outcome.)

Let’s break the addiction to blame.

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Slowly, slowly… you are making progress!  You keep working on turning your marriage around… and it is working!

Maybe you think it isn’t moving fast enough.  Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in… and they start to grow.  You can feel it!

But you try hard not to let it out.  To keep on moving forward.  To keep on making connections.

Until…

Maybe it was something small…

Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing… maybe even a big thing!)…

And BOOM!  You blow up!

You use a tone you wish you hadn’t.  You say things you wish you hadn’t.  You do things you wish you hadn’t.

BLOW UP!

… and then it passes.

But the damage is done.

Your efforts can feel like they have been in vain.

So, let’s talk about what to do BEFORE the blow-up!  It is much easier to stay ahead of the problem than to catch up and rebuild after the problem.

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I’ve seen it so many times.  A marriage is slowly, slowly, slowly moving apart.  Then, suddenly, it is ending!  Slowly, then all at once.

A recent survey from a divorce attorney group showed the central dynamic of marriages ending:  they slowly drifted apart.

You may not need a survey to tell you about this threat.  I sure didn’t.  I’ve seen it over and over.  Nothing drastic or sudden.  Just slowly disconnecting.  Slowly drifting apart.  And slowly failing.

Maybe you hit the Pause Button… and didn’t know how dangerous that can be!

Maybe it was easier to just ignore the little issues… the ones that are much larger in the face of disconnection.

But either way, the ending of a marriage just starts slowly, imperceptibly… until one person finally “can’t do it anymore.”  And then, the crisis is deep.  Deeper than you knew.

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I remember saying to a couple, both claiming they were doing more and working harder for their relationship, “It’s not a competition!”

They didn’t much seem to believe me.  They were simultaneously trying to win while proving they were losing.  Yep, they were trying to win at a game of “who does more and gets less.”  I am not sure what the trophy would have been, but the “prize” appeared to be a battered and painful marriage.

And they weren’t alone.  They AREN’T alone!  Lots of couples act like they are in a competition to win. And they think it is an individual sport, not a team sport!

That’s where the damage happens.  Instead of playing to win at life, they are playing to win against a spouse.

Against.  Anytime you find yourself against your spouse, you can guarantee the outcome is not a win for the team.  It is not a help for the marriage… for the relationship.

With every win you get in an individual competition, there is a loser… in this case, your spouse.  And if your spouse wins, you lose.

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You try to show love to your spouse. . . and you get nothing in return.  You try to let your spouse know how much you love your spouse. . . and you get nothing back.

Let me say that I do not think it is alright to be in a relationship where none of your needs are met.

But I want to challenge you:  are you doing those things, so that your needs will be met?

If so, you are not giving love, you are trying to make a transaction: “I do this for you, so you do that for me.”

That is a recipe for hurt and pain.

Love is a gift.  And only when it is freely given can it be accepted without manipulation or expectation.

Love is a gift, not a transaction.

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There is a war going on.  It isn’t between you and your spouse.

It is right between your ears!  Your brain is at war with itself.

Well, to be more accurate, there are two parts of your brain that are constantly at odds with each other, both looking for different things.

And the part of your brain we humans are most proud of — that rational, reasonable, logical part — is trying to play referee. . . but not very effectively!

Your lizard brain and your herd brain try to hijack you.  Each has a different desire, a different need.  And both can end up tripping you up. . . unless you understand the roles of each.  And until you learn to listen to each one. www.fortifiedspouse.com/optinw

James and his wife had been struggling for years.  Arguments, fights, and conflicts had cut into their love for each other.

While James believed there was still love there, he knew it was buried deep for both of them.  James spent lots of time licking his wounds, remembering the struggles — and usually seeing that he had been “done wrong.”

He contacted me because James didn’t want to end his marriage.  But he didn’t know what to do.  He was stuck.

Tina’s husband just left one day.  They had not been fighting.  Really, neither had ever been much on arguing.

On his way out the door, Tina’s husband said, “I just don’t feel anything.  I need to clear my mind and see what comes up.”  And he was gone.

Tina was devastated.  What had she done?  Why had she been abandoned?  Tina wrote to say, “I don’t want a divorce.  But I didn’t do this.  Why should I have to do anything?”

Pain and hurt.  We avoid those feelings, but they still come to us.  That’s a part of life.

But sometimes, the pain and hurt can keep us stuck.  Ironically, when pain or hurt keeps you stuck, you generally only get more pain and hurt.  In other words, the “stuck” just keeps us in a cycle of getting more of what we want to avoid.

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“Jack” was dancing around my office: pacing, sitting, jumping up, sitting down, pacing. . . .

Jack’s wife just revealed that she did not want to stay married.  22 years of marriage.  Gone.  Jack was in panic mode.

“What do I do?”, he repeatedly asked.

To be honest, Jack had already done a number of things I would have advised against.  He was already behind the proverbial “eight ball.”

Jack’s determination was actually getting him into worse trouble.  His efforts were in the wrong direction, confusing, and only leading to more anger.

So, Jack asked me where he should start.

I knew what Jack wanted.  He wanted what we all want:  a shortcut, an easy technique, a secret “ninja move” that would turn things around.

But as is true with most things in life, it is a bit more complicated than that.

“Jack,” I said, “take a deep breath.  Sit  back and listen.”  Jack struggled with that, but he did it.  Until I told him that something else had to change first:  his mindset.

In fact, Jack and I discussed 5 ways his mindset had to shift.  I share those 5 areas with you on this podcast.  I tell you what needs to shift, and how it needs to shift. www.fortifiedspouse.com/optinw

Do you find yourself chasing after your spouse?  Do you keep wondering why your spouse is so cool, distant, aloof, and emotionally unavailable?

You may be pursuing your spouse, and in unhealthy ways.  In fact, your spouse may be running away faster and faster, because your spouse is feeling the pursuit.

Why does this happen?  Is it you?  Is it your spouse?

Perhaps it is each of you, and perhaps it is both of you together.

Either way, the outcome is rarely positive.  You may feel abandoned and your spouse may feel suffocated.

If you are just noticing the tendency to chase after your spouse, it is time to change it, before more harm is done.  And if you are working to save your marriage, it is even more important to manage the emotions and the desire to chase.

Learn why this dynamic happens, and what to do to stop it.

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