Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting

Where do confidence and self-esteem come from? What contributes to kids' highs and lows and how can parents help kids build a sturdy sense of self-esteem? Dr. Lisa describes the age at which self-esteem tends to drop off and the impact of gender. Reena asks how culture and race can affect self-esteem and confidence. Dr. Lisa explains what psychologists mean when they talk about "unconditional positive regard."

Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn @AskLisaPodcast, @LDamour, @ReenaNinan

Additional resources:

A mom writes in from the deep South with concerns about whether to allow her daughter to socialize with a good friend who is unvaccinated. Dr. Lisa discusses the importance of framing the issue around the child’s safety while allowing the kid to guide the conversation. Reena asks how parents can weigh the mental health risks of not being socially active against the possibility of catching Covid. Dr. Lisa explains how parents can help their children assess these risks. Should the mom reach out to the other family? Dr. Lisa talks about when a parent should make that call.

Getting into college is hard work. So how do you raise kids who will thrive once they get there? Dr. Lisa explains how parents can prepare their kids to succeed when they become independent (hint: it's not about academics). When should a parent be concerned about a child who does not communicate with them? Is there such a thing as providing too much long-distance emotional support?

You’ve heard people say, “I want to get this off my chest,” but what if your kid doesn’t know how to express emotion? How do you get children and teenagers to talk? Dr. Lisa explains the term "emotional regulation," and how parents can help kids manage their feelings effectively. Reena asks, "What if you’re a parent who struggles with managing your own emotions?" Lisa explains how both parents and children can benefit from thinking in terms of learning how to express, and contain, emotions.

Events:

Join Lisa, Dr. Anthony Fauci, New York Times journalists (who are parents themselves) Apoorva Mandavilli, a science reporter, and moderator Andrew Ross Sorkin, Times columnist as they take your questions about kids and Covid on Sept 9th 1pm est.

RSVP below.

Is it ever too late to help your child rethink a friendship? How do you lay the groundwork to help children choose the right people to be in their lives? Dr. Lisa explains how the friends our kids chose can also give us a window into the people they may date. Even during the teenage years Lisa says there are ways to help foster new friendships. Reena asks when should a parent intervene.

Read Lisa’s latest New York Times Column:

Dr. Lisa Damour and Reena Ninan kick off Season Two of Ask Lisa by talking about how to cope with another school year under Covid-19. They tackle a letter from a parent seeking advice on how to deal with her own anxiety about kids going back to school as the Delta variant rages. She is exhausted and does not see relief coming any time soon. How do we help our kids feel school-ready when we are running on empty?

Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn @AskLisaPodcast, @LDamour, @ReenaNinan

Additional resources:

Should we be pushing children and teens to make up for lost learning this summer? Or should we let them call the shots on how they spend their time? What really matters most? Dr. Lisa has advice that might seem counterintuitive for parents who feel ready to charge ahead. A mom writes in asking for advice on how to think about summer schedules for her three kids. Reena seeks guidance on managing social media and video games once school lets out. Dr. Lisa and Reena talk about what families should focus on when making summer plans. In this final episode of the season, Lisa and Reena also explain how to stay connected with the podcast this summer. Season Two starts August 24th.

Objective Wellness is sponsoring this episode. Our listeners get 15% off their chocolate-y treat Sweet Calm made with 60% dark cacao, the calming ayurvedic herb ashwagandha, and magnesium.

Lisa and Reena are joined by guest Emmanuel Acho, former NFL linebacker, current FoxSports analyst, host of the YouTube hit "Uncomfortable Conversations With a Black Man," and author of a book by the same name. Most recently, Emmanuel wrote the instant #1 New York Times Bestseller "Uncomfortable Conversations With a Black Boy." In a discussion both wide-ranging and deep, Emmanuel tackles how to talk with our kids about the n-word, what we can do to address systemic racism and prejudice, and what it really means for parents and their children to act as allies.

BOOK GIVEAWAY:

Enter to win one of two copies of Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Boy By Emmanuel Acho from the @asklisapodcast.

1. Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and/or LinkedIn @asklisapodcast

2. Tag a friend and leave a comment (on Instagram/Facebook/LinkedIn)

3. Enter as many times as you'd like

4. For U.S. residents only

(Give-away is not sponsored or endorsed by Instagram/Facebook/LinkedIn. It will close at 11:59 p.m. EST on 6/7/21. Winners will be chosen at random and books will be mailed to the winners.)

Parent Promotion

The pandemic has disrupted our kids' social lives. What can parents do to help a child make new friends if they've withdrawn from their peers? How do we help kids who are reluctant to reach out, or who rub their classmates the wrong way? A mom emails about her twelve and a half-year-old daughter who was once an extrovert and now is not. Dr. Lisa explains the five categories that have been identified by research to describe kids' social profiles, and how knowing these categories helps us give children the right kind of support. Should parents try to engineer friendships? Lisa has a strong opinion on this topic while Reena asks how we can help kids find secure friendships as we emerge from Covid-19.

BOOKGIVEAWAY:

The Science of Making Friends: Helping Socially Challenged Teens and Young Adults; By Elizabeth A. Laugeson, Psy.D.

Enter to win a copy from the @asklisapodcast.

1. Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and/or LinkedIn @asklisapodcast

2. Tag a friend and leave a comment (on Instagram/Facebook/LinkedIn)

3. Enter as many times as you'd like

4. For U.S. residents only

(Give-away is not sponsored or endorsed by Instagram/Facebook/LinkedIn. It will close at 11:59 p.m. EST on 5/31/21. Winners will be chosen at random and books will be mailed to the winners.

Should you be concerned if your child has a messy, disorganized room? A mom emails asking for advice on how to handle a kid's room that feels out of control. Dr. Lisa introduces us to the term executive functioning, the mental processes that help with managing oneself and one's possessions. Reena asks if being disorganized as a child can lead to problems down the line. Lisa offers guidance on when it's time to step in and how to help your children organize themselves and their things.

BOOK GIVEAWAY

Enter to win a copy of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

After more than a year of being stuck at home in a pandemic, it’s no surprise siblings are getting on each other's nerves. Should parents step in - or step back - when kids start fighting? Dr. Lisa tackles this question and also explains how parents' approach to conflict can influence how kids fight with their siblings. Reena asks how parents can keep their cool when heads are getting hot, and whether kids can really learn to manage their own conflicts. Dr. Lisa describes strategies that work having seen them in action during a unique summer job.

For Children Everywhere

Talking to kids about their love lives can be uncomfortable, but discussing consent is one of the most important conversations to have with our children. Dr. Lisa explains why she feels that when we focus on consent, we are articulating the lowest possible bar for acceptable physical intimacy. She offers thoughts on how we might rethink and reframe the entire topic in order to be most helpful to our children. Reena asks: Can we change our collective mindset on consent? And how do you explain coercion and consent to children? The conversation includes a look at how pornography factors into teenagers' understanding of consensual relationships.

BOOK GIVEAWAY:

One copy each of Girls & Sex and Boys & Sex by Peggy Orenstein

Enter to win one of 2 books being given away by @asklisapodcast.

1. Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and/or LinkedIn @asklisapodcast

2. Tag a friend and leave a comment (on Instagram/Facebook/LinkedIn)

3. Enter as many times as you'd like

4. For U.S. residents only

(Give-away is not sponsored or endorsed by Instagram/Facebook/LinkedIn. It will close at 11:59 p.m. EST on 5/10/21. Winners will be chosen at random and will be notified within 24 hours of the end of the give-away. Books will be mailed to the winners.)

OTHER RESOURCES:

Experts are finding that the pandemic has led to an alarming rise in eating disorders. Dr. Lisa explains how eating disorders can sneak up on families and why they can be incredibly harmful. Lisa and Reena discuss how social media can contribute to eating disorders and the fact that these illnesses affects people from all genders, economic backgrounds, and races. Early intervention matters, so what are the signs of an eating disorder? How do you talk to kids about eating disorders? And when should you seek help?

FOR CHILDREN EVERYWHERE:

Eating disorders can be linked to food insecurity. Feeding America can help you find your local food bank to make a donation.

"If the pandemic is about anything, it's about loss,” says Dr. Lisa Damour. Grief can come in different forms - from losing a loved one, to mourning the loss of senior year in high school, to not getting into your favorite college. How can you tell if your child is grieving and what can you do to help? Lisa and Reena examine how to support our kids as they cope with loss. Reena shares how a bouncy castle rented on the morning of her grandfather’s funeral helped her family deal with loss. Lisa discusses insights from Sigmund Freud - written over one hundred years ago - that can be helpful as we find our way through the pandemic.

Enter to win one of two copies of "Fall of Freddie the Leaf" being given away by the @asklisapodcast. The book has helped children and adults deal with the mourning process.

How do you talk to kids about social media postings that might cross a line? What's the best way to start a conversation with your sons and daughters about what's too sexy for public consumption? A parent writes to Lisa and Reena about the suggestive TikTok postings her daughter puts up. Lisa explains how to open up lines of communication and the guidance parents might give about posts that could be seen as provocative. Lisa also shares what she is seeing during the pandemic and details why kids post suggestive content at this age.

Enter to win one of two copies being given away by the @asklisapodcast of Lisa's fabulous New York Times best-selling book Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls.

How do you prepare kids for life in the real world? Author Julie Lythcott-Haims joins Lisa and Reena for a conversation on the non-academic skills your children need to succeed as they move into young adulthood. Julie spent more than a decade at Stanford University, some of that time as the dean of first-year students. The women talk about how to discuss race with our children, the different chores kids should take on as they age, and the critical importance of having real responsibilities at home. Julie describes the power of positive parenting and talks about her brand-new book Your Turn: How to Be an Adult.

Enter to win one of two copies being given away by the @asklisapodcast of Julie’s new book Your Turn: How to Be an Adult.

As we move into the next phase of this pandemic we take listeners back to an encore presentation of "Toolbox for Terrible Times: How to Manage Hopelessness and Helplessness." Lisa offers specific tools to help children with their feelings and describes the key role played by healthy psychological defenses. Reena gets emotional talking about what her son's Connecticut teacher did to prepare her students for the first day back at school. The conversation also covers psychological research on how both children and adults can significantly increase their well-being.

Talking to a child about pornography might not be a conversation most parents think of having. However, by the age of sixteen, 90% of kids have looked at porn. Dr. Lisa Damour explains that kids' interest in sex is normal and part of healthy development. But she also explains how porn can be traumatic and confusing to kids and teens who encounter it. How do you approach the conversation and at what age should you start discussing it? Reena asks for tips on how to make these talks less uncomfortable.

BOOK GIVEAWAY

Enter to win a copy of Sex, Teens, & Everything in Between by Shafia Zaloom or a copy of It's Perfectly Normal by Robie H. Harris and Michelle Emberley, given away by @asklisapodcast.

1. Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and/or LinkedIn @asklisapodcast

2. Tag a friend and leave a comment (on Instagram/Facebook/LinkedIn)

3. Enter as many times as you'd like

4. For U.S. residents only

(Give-away is not sponsored or endorsed by Instagram/Facebook/LinkedIn. It will close at 11:59 p.m. EST on 3/22/21. Winners will be chosen at random and will be notified within 24 hours of the end of the give-away. Books will be mailed to the winners.)

ARTICLES

With the one year anniversary of the pandemic approaching there are reasons to be hopeful. The infection rates are dropping and more vaccines are being distributed. So why do so many people still feel down? Reena asks about what parents can do when they feel the ground is shifting and things are out of their control. How do we help kids manage the anxiety of starting in-person school and the persistent stress of this pandemic? Lisa talks through strategies for finding a way out of feeling anxious and depressed.

Book Giveaway!!

Enter to win one of 3 copies of A Place to Hang the Moon by Kate Albus being given away by @asklisapodcast.

1. Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and/or LinkedIn @asklisapodcast

2. Tag a friend and leave a comment (on Instagram/Facebook/LinkedIn)

3. Enter as many times as you'd like

4. For U.S. residents only

(Give-away is not sponsored or endorsed by Instagram/Facebook/LinkedIn. It will close at 11:59 p.m. EST on 3/15/21. Winners will be chosen at random and will be notified within 24 hours of the end of the give-away. Books will be mailed to the winners.)

Finding time to quiet your mind can have real benefits for you and your child. Author, instructor, mom, and entrepreneur Mallika Chopra is our special guest. She says that meditation isn’t just repeating mantras - there are many other ways your kids can be mindful. Mallika also talks about her father Deepak Chopra and how he found meditation after going through his own personal struggles. Mindful eating is also discussed.

Book Giveaway!!

Enter to win one of 3 copies of Mallika Chopra's new book Just Be You being given away by @asklisapodcast.

1. Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and/or LinkedIn @asklisapodcast

2. Tag a friend and leave a comment (on Instagram/Facebook/LinkedIn)

3. Enter as many times as you'd like

4. For U.S. residents only

(Give-away is not sponsored or endorsed by Instagram/Facebook/LinkedIn. It will close at 11:59 p.m. EST on 3/8/21. Winners will be chosen at random and will be notified within 24 hours of the end of the give-away. Books will be mailed to the winners.)

A parent writes in asking for help to address a teenager's marijuana use. Some teens are turning to drugs in this pandemic as they are looking for ways to cope with the sadness and boredom. Dr. Lisa explains what actually works in getting kids to stop using drugs and how to talk with kids in a way that's likely to keep them from becoming involved with drugs in the first place. Dr. Lisa talks about choices kids might make in the pandemic that could have irreversible consequences, while also offering tips on positive coping. Reena asks when adults should be concerned about their own behavior with regard to alcohol or marijuana use.

BOOK GIVEAWAY:

Thrivers: The Surprising Reason Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine, by Dr. Michele Borba

Enter to win one of 3 books being given away by @asklisapodcast.

1. Follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and/or LinkedIn @asklisapodcast

2. Tag a friend and leave a comment (on Instagram/Facebook/LinkedIn)

3. Enter as many times as you'd like

4. For U.S. residents only

(Give-away is not sponsored or endorsed by Instagram/Facebook/LinkedIn. It will close at 11:59 p.m. EST on 3/1/21. Winners will be chosen at random and will be notified within 24 hours of the end of the give-away. Books will be mailed to the winners.)

Should you speak up when you disagree with the approach other families are taking with their Covid rules? Reena discusses the latest news on the spread of the British mutation and Dr. Lisa describes the mental maneuvers we make when trying to rationalize behavior. How do we find peace when we feel uneasy with what other families are doing? And how do you talk with children about the fact that different families follow different rules?

A single mom writes in feeling worried because her daughter is questioning her gender. Dr. Lisa explains what we understand about gender identity and sexual orientation, and offers advice on what to do when you are at an impasse with your child. Parents often feel they need to drive the bus on getting to a desired outcome, but that's not usually the best approach. Lisa and Reena talk about how to think with your child about complex and delicate topics, and Lisa explains what teenagers really respect in adults. She also discusses research she uncovered about the parent-child relationship while writing Untangled that might surprise you.

It’s not always easy to be the grownup in the room. What are the teachable moments for our children as we watch alarming events unfold in Washington DC?

How do you move beyond intense polarization? Lisa talks about research conducted by social psychologist, Henri Tajfel, who survived WW II only because his German captors never discovered that he was Jewish. Tajfel explains how the Nazis are not so different from us. How does his research apply to present day and the recent Capitol Hill riots?

How do you help kids see when they’re dehumanizing other people? Reena asks about radicalization online and cancel culture. Lisa explains how you can help your family work against discrimination and prejudice.

Parents are finding it hard to get their children to feel motivated about school, especially when they are learning remotely. Dr. Lisa explains strategies that might help and how parents can help kids keep the academic train on its tracks. Lisa and Reena talk about supporting children for whom school is an uphill battle, even under normal conditions, and what parents should do if they are the ones who feel like they are drowning. Reena talks about the emotional experience she had selling an old sofa and how it put into perspective the struggle many parents are going through.

For Children Everywhere - UNICEF works in 180 different countries and territories to save children’s lives and protect their rights.

We like to think that time can heal a lot, but when do we need to worry about the pandemic's lasting impact on our children? Lisa introduces us to the concept of “ordinary magic” - protective processes that happen at home which can shield children from persistently difficult circumstances. Lisa and Reena discuss the research on resilience and what it teaches us about kids who thrive during hardship and how parents can help.

Resources on resiliency:

What’s the limit for children socializing online? Many kids use social media to connect with their friends and as an escape from the monotony of this pandemic. Lisa walks us through the pros and cons of being online - from when getting lost in distractions can be a good thing to when digital technology can be detrimental to a child’s development. Lisa and Reena unpack the research on how best to take a break, especially when our kids (or we!) need to give the body a rest from stress hormones or clear out mental clutter. The episode wraps up by answering a critical question: When is it time to be concerned about our kids' online social activity?

How do you approach your child when you know they may be struggling but won’t open up? Lisa shares what she learned when she asked teens why they sometimes clam up around their parents. Lisa and Reena consider how much parents really need to know about the details of their kid's lives and the different ways to support children and help them process their emotions, even when they play their cards close to their chests. For parents who feel that their kid broke up with them, how do you regain their trust? When should you really start to worry?

Navigating the holidays under Covid has its own pressures. A season that should be marked by joy is being met with sadness and loss by so many. Lisa explains how taking time to mourn the temporary loss of our regular traditions can help us deal with, and move past, these emotions. Understanding that it won’t always feel this way can help children cope with uncertainty. The silver lining is that finding our way through intensely sad times helps to build resilience.

How do dads differ from moms when it comes to raising kids? Lisa unpacks the research on the different roles each parent plays while pointing out that there are no hard and fast gender lines in parenting and that you don't have to be a parent to play a powerful role in a child's life. Lisa and Reena talk about the dynamics that often unfold between dads and daughters and mothers and sons, especially in the context of adolescence. What do all kids want? They want to feel valued and admired.

How can parents help children cultivate the ability to have tough conversations? How do we teach tolerance? Lisa explains the building blocks of civil discourse and the emotional and developmental skills that help kids engage peers constructively on the charged topics of politics and race.

Eating concerns are an issue in many families, especially during the Coronavirus pandemic. What should a parent look out for? When is it time to be concerned? And what happens in the mind of someone who struggles with an eating disorder? A new survey by WETA/PBS Newshour finds that teenagers ranked body image as their top source of concern in the pandemic - with boys expressing this worry almost as often as girls. Lisa looks at the factors exacerbating this problem: social media, the wish for control, and more.

Parents are faced with new pressures under Covid-19, and many of us are barely holding it together. When does having personal struggles translate into bad parenting? While it's important to be honest with our kids, Lisa explains what’s not okay for your kids to see and experience as you are working through a difficult time. Adding to the pressure, many parents have lost their supportive networks. We no longer see other parents during school pick-up or on the sidelines of soccer games. It may be time to find our new “soccer sideline” groups. Reena also talks about her fear of winter coming in a brainstorming session about how we'll cope. Lisa explains the research on how having breaks to look forward to can help your mental health.

What really works when kids just won’t listen? Dr. Lisa explains there are two different mental states that parents should toggle between — warm parent and robot parent. She explains how cultivating a joyful relationship with kids puts money in the account from which parents write their disciplinary checks. If you're clashing with your teen, it’s never too late to turn things around. And those raising younger kids find out why it's often harder to parent age three than age two (hint: threes enjoy mean fun).

What should parents do when their kids are fed up and unhappy about school? Psychologists are witnessing the rise of emotional distress in children as they try to manage their disrupted academic year. Stress is processed in different ways by different children - some become anxious and sad, and some act out. How do you get kids to pivot from bad behavior? Dr. Lisa decodes how to identify and work through emotional distress.

Anxiety often serves as a normal and useful warning system - an emotional alarm that rings when something isn't right. Lisa discusses the difference between healthy and unhealthy anxiety, and explains how anxiety changes the activity of the heart and lungs. She provides tips on how to counter anxiety by harnessing the connection between the lungs and the brain. 

What is the difference between sadness and depression? When should we be concerned about the possibility of suicide? Lisa and Reena also consider common warning signs. The show ends on an upbeat note about effective psychological interventions for treating anxiety and depression.

When should parents hit the panic button over their child’s social development? A mom writes in about her shy, introverted teen, wondering if her daughter has enough contact with friends. What key milestones might kids be missing as a result of the coronavirus pandemic? Lisa walks us through the development of social skills from infancy through college age, describing what we should keep an eye on and what we can do at home to help kids build the skills they need.

How do we get through the pandemic without losing our minds? Lisa offers parents four distinct tools to help ourselves and our children through these challenging times. The specific tools are "feeling with" children, supporting healthy psychological defenses, having the right words for painful emotions, and finding ways - like using humor- to rally when we're feeling down. Reena gets emotional talking about what a teacher did to prepare her students for the first day back. Also explained is a key psychological research finding on how people can significantly increase their well-being.

How do we encourage our kids to be active when they want to couch surf? Lisa tackles a listener’s question about a tween who has become sedentary during the pandemic. As much of the U.S. is getting back to school—often with distance learning—exercising, eating well, and maintaining routines now matter more than ever. Talking to kids about healthy eating comes with an unexpected lesson from a famous neighborhood—Sesame Street.

Email your questions for Dr. Lisa to: asklisa@drlisadamour.com

Conflict is unavoidable. Having a strategy can help. Divorce rates have increased in some countries under lockdown from Covid-19. When can a relationship not be repaired? How do we teach our kids to deal with conflict? Lisa covers the research on how to get out of an impasse, especially when parenting teens. Reena shares high school teacher Mrs. Jackson’s words on conflict resolution. How do we come to terms with negative emotions and hit the restart button? How do we get along when we're all stuck at home?

Email your questions for Dr. Lisa to: asklisa@drlisadamour.com

Uncertainty surrounds this school year amid all the Covid-19 news. Dr. Lisa talks about what families need most as they juggle working from home and school. How do you respond when everything seems out of your control? Reena discusses some of the work-life tradeoffs that she has struggled to manage, including making the hard choice to go to Benghazi with her breast pump.

Email your questions for Dr. Lisa to: asklisa@drlisadamour.com

How can you tell when your child is not coping well during this Covid-19 pandemic? Dr. Lisa breaks down what to watch for in a child’s behavior. How much screen time is bad for a child’s brain? She also explains the term “learned helplessness.”

Email your questions for Dr. Lisa to: asklisa@drlisadamour.com