My personal pensieve

By My personal pensieve

An audiodiary. Some people journal. I do this lol. Musings/laments/regrets/introspection over human relationships, online dating irl, my struggle bus journey into minimalism, living as a single asian female with aging parents. Explicit rating because I curse a shit ton. #sorrynotsorry(?) don't know what a pensieve is? www.pottermore.com/writing-by-jk-rowling/pensieve

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Episode 00015 Thinking about Retirement and the aging process

My personal pensieveNov 07, 2018

00:00

09:38

Ep 00039 "normal" frustrating

Original recording 20200306. I was working everyday for a month ish sometimes starting somewhere and ending elsewhere. I learned being tied to a corporate inbox induces a lot of anxiety. I also learned that even though I am responsible, I don't enjoy always having work stuff on my mind when I go home. I do, however, enjoy tormenting myself about audio, overlays, etc, trying to make myself and my twitch better. My heart has to be in it or a task becomes mentally overwhelming. Typically, my heart is my compass. I am unfortunately a very emotional person. I am still practical, btw: but I have to feel strongly to take action. I talk about the 'rona, my agitation with people not washing their hands enough and/or properly, being frustrated with myself for window shopping when I shouldn't be, money, being worried about disappointing others, trying to find balance in work and being able to stream, loyalty, doing things my heart isn't in or I feel I have no natural talent for and am also am not learning fast enough (imho) when the field is faster paced. I probably won't feel comfortable financially to try full time come September (and as of now: May 27 am working on learning alternative income sources), but I want to still strive for Full Time. I am no therapist. Some origin story stuff near the end. I am just sharing my feels in hopes it is entertaining or relatable, but mostly to track where I was at whatever point in time. I hope we can all work through challenges we are facing. Let's be good to ourselves

May 27, 202045:37

00038 January recap (short episode)

Jan Timeline
Emo - super emo - Got sick - Got sicker - Finally got a little better - Saw seventeen - Saw friends get married

Need to do a lot of things:
Stretch more, learn guitar~

Inspired by Andrea Boccelli's interpretation of Ave Maria.

Trying to embrace my journey
this year
And not dwell too much on
the Possibility
I will have bad luck
because it is my animal year D:

"Omg health is so important
Especially if you don't have health insurance."

No truer words.

This episode was recorded
PRE
#corona
#covid19
#c19

Everyone wash your hands thoroughly for twenty seconds, stay safe, and let's keep social distancing to help move the isolation train on its' way.

Apr 04, 202010:37

00037 "아주nice" "고맙다" looking forward to next time Seventeen

Went to the seventeen concert
@saythename_17 instagram
#NowSVT
#OdeToYouwithSVT
#세븐틴

Let's just call this episode
#아주Nice

Takeorey x Bellinissima
For selective hearing

@takeorey instagram

His top 30 #kpop songs of #2019

selective-hearing.com/takeoreys-top-30-k-pop-songs-of-2019/

selective-hearing.com

www.facebook.com/SelecHear/

feeds.feedburner.com/selective-hearing/kNfM

@selec_hear Twitter
@selechear instagram

www.mixcloud.com/selechear/

soundcloud.com/selective-hearing-254874192

www.youtube.com/user/selechear

I like #bts #behindthescenes
stuff
and broll,
so for me
Uploading an unedited podcast
Is totally my style.
Plus, I never edit my stuff.
The one time I tried,
I deleted the whole recording on accident.
I need to be better with my phone.

세븐틴 정말 고맙습니다
"고맙다"
너무 너무 기쁜해요.
It was "아주nice" 🥰
Thank You for coming to our city.
I always worry about logistics
And overall health
So I am glad no one was exhausted
From the 11/13
And 승관님 생일축하해요!
Glad you made that money
And enjoyed our energy
No one likes performing for a cold room.
I am all about supporting
Because you need to get paid.

Seventeen is a 13 piece group from South Korea.
All kpop groups in mainstream media
are from South Korea.

I am a fan but not a crazed super fan
So IDK their blood types
Or favorite foods
I read one likes Brian Puspos
Which is cool

It is #SeungKwan #승관 #생일 birthday
Jan 16
Concert was Jan 15
So when they did goodbyes
The fans sang to him
Kind of
Lol it was jumbly
But it got across.
Very nice moment.

I wasn't disappointed.
I am so grateful they came to Houston.
I always miss the carat registration in march
(Official fan club)

Admittedly a little hard to recognize some
Outside of #Vernon and Woozi.
When people change hair sometimes
It's hard for me
I have a thing for (long) hair
(#Jeonghan had long hair at debut)
#Woozi was back to black hair
But he is very distinctive.
But if it's just by face
I feel Woozi and #Mingyu have similar faces.

I am familiar with songs
But have not memorized
So the song with hangul lyrics
On the wall
Written like a nice letter
Or a poem
That was nice
Because I could sight read
And sing along

Yes I can read Korean.

Comprehension
Sometimes takes more time though.

I was surprised
at how many songs
I had NOT heard
Because I buy their music on itunes.

And at the end they changed into glasses.

YES!
it made them more real!
Like after 12h in contacts,
of course,
you want to rip them out
and wear glasses.

I will guess
That is the logic behind it.

If you guys were there
I was the girl basically in bondage
And seeing the first accessory change,
I felt i should have bought the harness I was eyeing on ebay.
Bandage faux corset
(Doesn't tie up, it has hooks in the back)
And interesting hot-pants with three zippers
That lead to one large pocket lol.
We had a super fan on my left
(Whose bias is clearly Jun)
*I like #Jun too,
I let her scream for the both of us*
And a beautiful pixie haired fan to our right
Who we should have asked for her ig
But I didn't want to be creepy.
I kind of wanted to hang out with her after.
I am reallly into hair.
I got shy. DANGGIT
(we both didn't say something
But also acknowledged
how pretty she is.)

Also she had a suggestion
To start a wave
To get the band back out
And I was like
'man, that's a good idea'
So I yelled to the people up front
But they didn't hear us.

Near the end
There were issues with suspenders
I interpreted it as
Them being derpy
playing
having fun
Then kuya allen rey pointed out they were having suspender issues lol

At some point in concert
They were chatting and playing on stage
'Do you want to fight?'
And I commenced chanting
'FIGHT! FIGHT!'
XD

No one fought.

Am I the only one who feels like
Vernon's look is slightly #1D #OneDirection?

Omg and that red suit?
And his color of mic?
Like a tiffany blue
(Mint green)
Love it

We were s102 DD seats 16-17. THANK YOU FOR TREATING ME!

Jan 16, 202038:32

00036 #InMyFeels envy.

S2 E1
episode00036: the episode that was supposed to be the first of the year
but
I need to learn how to change dates for anchor drafts.

Biggest takeaways:
🌸I had ugly feelings regarding a friend (sort of), but I was brave enough to to tell him about them.
🌸I leaned on some friends
who gave perspective.
🌸An ex was peaved,
but said
your feelings are ok to feel.
🌸No bridges were burned.
🌸I didn't lose a friendship.
🌸The person I am seeing knows a little more about the things I have been worrying about.
(Ps he knows about the excursion; #transparency.)
🌸I am glad I am able to label and itemize (someone else's word, not mine) my feelings.

I was experiencing envy after an excursion with a friend.
I have been exploring alt structured relationship models with friends in such relationships.
The last friend
We got to know each other
more intimately
emotionally and physically,
but
I ended up feeling envious
of the connection he has with his partner
and moreover
that I do not have that connection with him.

Not to say that I don't value our friendship.
I was experiencing feelings I didn't expect
and also felt pretty horrible having.

The past few weeks
(I am bad at math,
I think it's been two ish weeks)
have been physically exhausting.

Dad's birthday lunch is exhausting because
I physically feel drained after family events.

After the lunch is when I realized my feelings.

Also,
before my cycle lands
everything is emotionally intensified.

I knew logically
this wasn't that bad
but it FELT VERY INTENSE.

I am mid cycle now and,
even though I was crying a lot yesterday
not necessarily about this envy feeling,
I feel much better
and wanted to do this episode
with the feelings still fresh
but with me mostly OUTSIDE of them.
I felt horrid.
The emotions were ugly.

Even though
I didn't exactly find a strategy.

I found a limit/boundary.

I wish I was mature enough
to watch their cute couple stuff
in an ig story
but
yea no
I can't
and I acknowledge
that is pretty shitty.
But I discovered a limit.
And we all have different limits
and what we can handle.
I can control what media
I chose to consume.

Pps I was about to delete a bunch of apps and decided not to.

Have been adjusting notifications
for a while
(discord is always busy.
Not mine but others' lol)
and that likely added to my anxiousness.

I guess for all of us going through something
Maybe there is no real strategy
And you have to wait
For the feelings to pass
Or flow through you
Like a breeze
Or a storm.

I think that's ok too.

But reaching out and asking
for help
For perspective
Suggestions
Advice

We are all more similar than we seem to think.

Thanks for listening to me reflect on this (for me) horribly emotionally and physically draining experience.

I am glad I can see my feelings better now.

Maybe it made you feel better?
Have a good day
Try a soundbath!

Jan 07, 202028:42

00035: more clothes BEGONE, prop 65 warnings, and podcast/audiobook recs. Later days, 2019.

More minimizing. For real this time. Why? I am living the scenario, "if you had to hand wash clothing and linens, would you have as much or would you let go of some stuff?" I am in the "let go" camp for this one. Also, it's interesting that washing machines have prop 65 warnings and even more interesting when you DM or email companies asking about what is it that might cause cancer or other reproductive harm, they tell you to refer to the prop 65 website. It isn't the most useful website. www.p65warnings.ca.gov/products-places Why can't they just tell us what the chemical is and what kind of exposure to said chemical 'could cause cancer, birth defects, or other reproductive harm.' A washing machine did not fall into any of those categories. Anyway, as this is likely the last audiodiary entry of 2019, I wanted to list recommended books/audiobooks and podcasts that I enjoyed and/or played/read more than three times. I am currently listening to Tony Robbins' Money: Master The Game. I def have to listen a few times to have it really sink in, but it makes the topics of money and retirement more approachable and less intimidating. Also, Molly Burke's It's Not What It Looks Like. A differently abled young woman living in a ableist world. If you thought you had a good grasp on accessibility it might open your mind to challenges you may not have even thought of. She is funny, bright, and real. I love when authors narrate their books. I bought both the audio and digital copy of The Try Guys' The Hidden Power Of Fucking Up. It was on heavy rotation for a while. Digital copy has cute photos of the guys. The Minimalists' Essential. I am probably not correctly citing these books. (One of the Minimalists, Joshua Fields Millburn, offers writing workshops to help folks find their writing style, but I think about citing now that I am writing recommendations on books and podcasts). The Minimalists, Paula Pant's Afford Anything, NPR's Wait Don't Tell Me, NPR's It's Been A Minute, The Artist Athlete, and Hideaway Circus are podcasts I always enjoy. Other audio books on the list: Adam Grant's Power Moves, Gabriel Wyner's Fluent Forever, Chris Voss' Never Split The Difference. Book I haven't quite pushed past the intro but very interested in: Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton's The Ethical Slut (3rd edition). I highly value minimalism, zero-waste, creativity, aerial, realness, accessibility, meaningful relationships, personal growth and personal finance. Thanks for listening to the audio diary. We will continue in 2020. Til then I hope we all keep on keepin' on in our personal journeys. Stay hydrated!

Jan 07, 202015:58