Beyond The High Road of Parental Alienation
By Shelby Milford
Beyond The High Road of Parental AlienationNov 23, 2022
Drama, Defamation, & Scandal: Confronting Scrutiny As An Alienated Parent
She reflects on her own journey, starting from a point of feeling misunderstood to focusing on personal resilience in the face of criticism. Shelby highlights two influential books: 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck' by Mark Manson, which helped her adopt a carefree approach to criticism, and 'The Courage to Be Disliked', which premises on Adlerian psychology, advocating for the detachment from others' opinions for personal happiness.
The episode further delves into the importance of not allowing fear or the need for external validation to dictate one's actions, encouraging listeners to pursue their passions despite the potential for scrutiny or disapproval. Shelby's message is one of empowerment, urging her audience to embrace their unique identities, pursue their passions, and not to be silenced by fear or judgment.
Finally, she addresses an incident where she was publicly criticized on social media, using it as a case point to illustrate how to deal with negative scrutiny without compromising one's self-worth.
00:00 Welcome to Episode 85: Navigating Scrutiny and Misunderstanding
00:29 Exploring the Roots of Feeling Misunderstood
02:54 The Journey of Self-Discovery Through Audible Books
06:48 The Impact of Mark Manson's Work on Self-Empowerment
09:18 Discovering 'The Courage to Be Disliked' and Adlerian Psychology
17:02 Facing Scrutiny and the Power of Self-Expression
26:56 Dealing with Criticism and Embracing Your True Self
40:29 Concluding Thoughts: Embrace Your Voice and Overcome Fear
Join the Private Facebook Group!
Books: The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck
The Courage To Be Disliked
SPECIAL EDITION: What REALLY Matters To You?
This is a recording from the Facebook Live on Friday when we had a little story time! I thought y'all would benefit from it too. In the episode, I share a memory from a dark period of time for me (Mother's Day 2017), and then tie it together with this week's theme.
I hope you love it. ♥️
Are You Playing The Long Game? Auditing Influence As An Alienated Parent
In episode 84 of the Beyond the High Road podcast, host Shelby Milford discusses the challenges and emotions surrounding family-oriented holidays like Mother's Day and Father's Day, especially for target parents of alienation. Shelby shares personal anecdotes about the significance of these holidays and the memories associated with them, reflecting on how such times can be particularly difficult. She emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and validating these difficult emotions but encourages listeners to also focus on self-healing and empowerment. Shelby advises on auditing one's life for negative influences, whether it be people or social media, and suggests making intentional choices about whom and what we allow to influence our mindset and actions. She highlights the distinction between fighting against something versus fighting for something, advocating for a proactive and positive approach in life, including the path toward reconnection with our children. Shelby's message underlines the significance of self-care, adjusting one's mindset, and the power of influence in overcoming the challenges of parental alienation and enhancing one's overall well-being.
01:00 Welcome to Beyond the High Road: Navigating Emotional Seasons
01:22 Reflecting on Mother's Day and Seasonal Memories
03:52 Embracing the Emotional Journey of Motherhood
04:45 Navigating Parental Alienation: Insights and Support
05:58 The Power of Influence: Shaping Your Beliefs and Actions
06:32 Redefining Challenges: Fighting For vs. Fighting Against
08:44 The Impact of Social Media and External Influences
19:52 Auditing Your Life: Identifying and Managing Influences
26:52 The Impact of Social Media on Perception and Action
27:49 Embracing the Role Beyond Alienation
28:26 The Power of Self-Advocacy and Community Support
30:23 Choosing to Fight for Reconnection
31:56 The Long Game: Patience, Persistence, and Unconditional Love
33:22 Self-Care and Inner Work: The Foundation of Empowerment
34:53 Redefining Success: From Immediate Wins to Long-Term Goals
39:31 Influence and Environment: Curating Your Circle for Growth
42:01 Mother's Day Reflections: Beyond Traditional Expectations
44:08 Closing Thoughts and Encouragement
Resentment, Forgiveness, & Parental Alienation: How to Heal Generational Trauma
The dreaded deed of forgiveness: the original ”F” word, to an alienated parent.
In this episode, Shelby shares insights on the pivotal role of forgiveness in healing from the pain parental alienation. She discusses the efficacy of family systems therapy over reunification therapy, drawing from advice received from a former attorney. The episode delves into the complexities of forgiveness, including Shelby's personal journey and struggles with forgiving those involved in alienating her from her child. She emphasizes that forgiveness is not about condoning others' actions but about freeing oneself from anger and resentment. Shelby talks about the importance of recognizing the humanity in those who have hurt us and understanding their actions to move towards forgiveness. She also touches upon the concept of resentment being closely linked to envy, rather than anger. The episode guides listeners on a path to healing, advocating for acknowledging and releasing resentment to reclaim one's life and break the cycle of intergenerational trauma.
The two articles referenced:
Mending Fences Book
https://www.amazon.com/Mending-Fences-Collaborative-Cognitive-Behavioral-Reunification/dp/1950057186
00:00 Welcome to Beyond the High Road Podcast
00:14 A Message from a Trusted Attorney
01:47 Insights on Family Systems Therapy
03:25 The Power of Forgiveness in Healing
10:11 Understanding Resentment and Its Roots
13:20 The Journey Towards Forgiveness
23:50 Embracing Forgiveness for Freedom
35:59 Final Thoughts on Forgiveness and Moving Forward
Is Reunification Therapy A Scam? Making Empowered Decisions As An Alienated Parent
I remember the first time I heard about reunification therapy... I thought, "OMG, FINALLY! There is a reasonable action to counter to all the damage that has been done! " . I was thrilled by the notion that maybe, just maybe, my case would begin to turn around.
After a little research (and a lot of legwork), I was able to have a judge order the therapy for my daughter and me. I was sure that this would be the answer to my prayers. A few sessions, and we'd be right back to snugging on the couch watching movies before bedtime.
Or so I thought...
In this episode:
- debunking the common perception that reunification therapy is a scam
- varying success rates due to numerous factors outside the control of the targeted parent and/or the therapist.
- the importance of managing expectations,
- the inability to influence the actions of the alienating parent
- the critical role of self-awareness and empowerment in navigating the difficult journey of re-establishing connections with alienated children.
Don't forget to sign up for the live event on April 27th! https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/NeutralizeMyPain
00:00 Welcome to Beyond the High Road Podcast
00:11 Announcement: Upcoming Live Event
01:04 The Challenges of Target Parents in Alienation
05:56 A Deep Dive into Reunification Therapy
12:55 Empowerment Over Fear: Making Decisions as a Target Parent
24:11 Closing Remarks and Event Reminder
Mistaking A Painful Narrative for True Connection As An Alienated Parent
Do you feel chained to the painful memories of your custody situation? Like youre obligated to tell and re-tell the same old stories about the same old incidents in order to make sense of WHY this has all happened?
Even if you made a deciosjojn to drop it and move on, do you find yourself feeling blocked or stuck as a result of the power your ex holds over your life?
I did. I was TERRIFIED of becoming a “has-been” parent. So, I held on to the torturous narrative in effort to excuse myself from being alienated, and oddly, because I felt that without the story, I wouldn’t have a purpose… that I would be letting go of the last hint of connection I had with my daughter. Somehow I thought the pain would keep her memory close… But I would ALWAYS end up feeling MORE alienated as a result.
It became an automatic response. I would cry or get angry on cue (I wasn’t doing it intentionally… consciously… it just became my norm…)
In this episode:
- Why we hold onto the pain
- Pain causing thoughts
- Connection causing thoughts
- What makes an active parent?
- Does the pain of alienation rob you of the ability to love?
- How to change the narrative
Register for the April 27th Event! https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/NeutralizeMyPain
Do You Self-Erase?
Do You Self-Erase?
I believe that the people and experiences we attract into our lives are a direct reflection of how we think & feel about ourselves on the inside… We can only connect with the same level of energy that we are putting out… you know?
Continuing on from last week, I truly believe that.. due to our individual histories, we already learned to be comfortable with denying ourselves the right to be loved.. that bc of our pasts, we learned the coping skill of hiding our true selves away. As such, it’s rare that we allow other people to actually experience who we are.
As alienated parents, we’ve been denying ourselves for so long, sometimes it feels impossible to get back in touch with who we are and what we want… Our identities were tied up in parenthood. So when our children aren’t home as often (or maybe not at all), we feel lost. We become self-erased…self-isolated …. and to top that off, the other parent is trying to erase us too.
In this episode, Ill share with you my thoughts on why we do this, as well as my own theories… Shelby “isms” .. and of course, what you can do to get back to yourself & overcome the habit to self-erase!
Leave Me a Voice Message w/ Your Question to Answer On The Show!! https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/beyondthehighroad
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
How Unhealed Trauma Can Lead To Self Sabotage In Alienation
Ever notice that, when caught in the clutches of a stressful moment, how you freak out and do exactly the opposite of:
- what you really want to do
- what is in your best interest, and/or
- what supports your goals and dreams?
Like, in the moment, you know what you want longterm, but you just can't seem to stop yourself from choosing the unhealthy option, even tho you know its ultimately going to harm you?
Or maybe you don't know what you want longterm... Maybe you're like me and were never able to visualize a future for yourself. Or after alienation, now you don't know how to plan for your life without your child being at the center of it all?
Well, settle in, my friends. Today we are going to take a pretty deep dive into WHY this happens, along with how you can overcome it.
My objective today is to open up and have a casual conversation about some not-so-casual issues.
In this episode:
- trauma alters memory
- how it affects your self image
- how trauma affects your ability to visualize your future
- how it affects your aspirations
- how trauma bonds might have crossed/confused your idea of love, healthy relationships
- neurons the fire together wire together
- how to overcome in 3 steps
⛔️ Heads Up: Albeit brief, I do visit some childhood abuse situations in this episode. If you think you're not ready to go there, maybe skip this one for now, and go back to an earlier episode. BUT...
⭐️ This is a good one y'all.. so make sure to come back to it!
The Illusion of Truth: Unveiling the Stories We Tell Ourselves
If you've been down the research rabbit hole of alienation's long-term effects on children, you're well aware of the toll it could take on their cognitive development.
Similarly (tho your brain may have been fully developed when your children were born), parents like us also experience a dulling of our critical thinking and deductive reasoning skills; which makes it more challenging for us to see the big picture right off the bat (also, many of us just didn't learn the skill as children).
I see it dozens of times each week... a parent will present a story utilizing the "facts" in order to illustrate that their lives are doomed. They will take the limited info they have and FILL IN THE BLANKS with interesting bits (drama), and then deem the whole story TRUTH.
You'd be amazed at how many parents I speak with that will do just about anything to convince me that their life is unfixable. They are committed to their story, in spite of the fact that it's causing them to suffer.
Whether they are referring to their child, the alienating parent, or even a significant other, it's highly unlikely that, unless they were told firsthand, they would know for sure what another person is thinking or feeling.
But we all do it.
If you've been listening for a little bit, you know that I talk with y'all a lot about making yourself aware of the thoughts you're allowing. Today, I share:
- A story from a couple weeks ago, when I believed my own lie
- my thoughts on limiting beliefs (thanks to the Bachelorette)
- Why it's important to play this current sucky hand thru
- How to change your "fate"
- Why its essential to choose the thoughts you allow into your mental temple 😉
How Can I Help You? Take the 3 question survey! https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/blog (⭐️Don't forget to scroll down on the page!)
Leave a Voice Message! https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/beyondthehighroad
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
Breaking Free of Fear & Embracing Negative Emotion
We spend our lives running, trying to circumnavigate situations that seem scary. It starts in school... we don't want to feel rejection. Hurt. We shudder at the idea of being made a fool or taken advantage of. Instead, we hide ourselves away, build up all these walls in effort to avoid emotional pain.
Then, when the alienation begins... seemingly overnight, we feel an influx of negative emotion. And because we didn't learn it in childhood, we feel entirely ill-equipped to handle the pressure.
I remember feeling so terrified of being judged and persecuted. And boy... to be devalued to/by my own sweet angel of a child? I can feel that horror now, just writing about it. I spent my free time numbing with habits in order to avoid the fear & discomfort thinking that the emotions themselves were the danger. But what actually harmed me -- & what is the most dangerous for all of us as alienated parents -- is what we do because of the fear -- the avoidance.
To quote the movie Poor Things: We must experience everything, not just the good. The degradation, the horror, sadness... This makes us whole, Bella; makes us people of substance; not flighty, untouched children. Then we can know the world. And when we know the world, the world is ours. How Can I Help You? Take the 3 question survey! Click here and scroll down👇🏼or below : https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/blog (⭐️Don't forget to scroll down on the page!) Leave a Voice Message! https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/beyondthehighroad Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
Silently Suffering? Social & Emotional Connection as an Alienated Parent
We, as parents experiencing alienation, know isolation. We know lonely. Heck... it's right there in the two word term!
When alienation begins, it doesn't only affect your role in your child's life -- in fact, the predicament we've found ourselves in affects so many other relationships. Until recently, your children were intertwined with your entire life!
So it makes sense that you would want to isolate yourself. But there is so much data out there showing how critical emotional support is for our healing process.
As humans, we need to be and feel understood. We crave togetherness. But after a period of isolation, our brain produces a neuropeptide called tachykinin. This protein interacts with the body to cause our loneliness to perpetuate itself. What's worse? It also will make you believe you're not lonely. So in order to evolve through it, you must develop the skill of discernment. Listen to the episode for more!
How Can I Help You? Take the 3 question survey! Click here and scroll down👇🏼or below :
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/blog (⭐️Don't forget to scroll down on the page!)
Leave a Voice Message! https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/beyondthehighroad
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
The Injustices of Alienation: Don't Let Em Get The Best Of You
It seemed IMPOSSIBLE not to be consumed by it all.. The injustices were everywhere I turned. I was being followed, harassed, bullied, slandered, intimidated, threatened, and of course, grossly criticized of my ability of mother my child.
The network of judges, custody evaluators, crooked "family" attorneys (not all of them were/are, but..); the strictly bureaucratic nature of the court officials & processes, making it nearly impossible to be and feel heard; but shifted around from one "specialist" to the next, while you foot the bill.
The issues that mattered (like my child's rights to be loved by both parents) were buried by the smokescreen antics concocted by the alienator. Lasting well over a decade (15 years and counting), it felt like a living HELL.
They made false accusations, pursued criminal legal actions, persistently badgered both the AG and the DA's office in effort to have me incarcerated; with the ultimate goal of removing from my daughter's life for good.
As a result of not having the tools I do today, suffered for years in clinical depression, somatic symptoms/illness, active & progressing addiction, poverty... I could go on..
To add insult to injury, I was ordered to pay child support... to a trust fund baby.
I mean, I was ATE UP. I felt like there was no other choice for me but to be miserable forever.
ANd then... I found this work. PHEW, did it save me. Listen to this episode to learn my take (on all of the above) today.
How Can I Help You? Take the 3 question survey! Click here and scroll down👇🏼or below :
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/blog (⭐️Don't forget to scroll down on the page!)
Leave a Voice Message! https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/beyondthehighroad
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
How Not Knowing Is Blocking Your Next Breakthrough
Part TWO: What we don't know: As alienated parents, we tend to steer clear of the unknown. Due to unresolved trauma and prolonged grief, our CNS says: We're all good on sticking our neck out. Let's not rock the boat. But there are some snags in that plan (I'll share them with you in the episode.)
Part THREE: How IDK SYNDROME blocks you from creating the life you crave.
Leave a Voice Message! podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/beyondthehighroad
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
Beyond Blame: Understanding Guilt & Regret In Alienation
Guilt is an extremely common emotion during (any kind of ) grief. So if youre experiencing it, nothing has gone wrong in your healing.
AND... as alienated parents, I think we can all agree that we guilt ourselves probably far more often than necessary. Before doing this work, I had no idea why. In this episode:
- Why guilt is a go-to for us
- Why we feel comfortable w/ guilt, even if the blame is on us
- How blame tricks us (and our children) into a false sense of structure
- The massive distinction between the two emotions & how to determine which one is accurate
- What to do if you are in fact, guilty
- The importance of having your own back, regardless.
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
Ultimate Rejection: Navigating Beyond Your Hurt & Rediscovering Purpose
So... I received some news last week... News that even just two short years ago would’ve had me in a tailspin. I would’ve been so worked up, stomach on a roller coaster while working full speed to put reference to & defend the outrageous claims he was making against me.
I think it's safe to say that, when youre cradling your darling, sweet smelling, softly cooing tiny infant in your arms, you never in a million years consider the possibility that one day, they will reject you. That one day, the parent who spent years finishing your sentences and orchestrating things like "dancing Thursdays" in the living room w/ PJs on, would ever act as the barrier between you & your child..
But, here we are.. Devoted parents who experience the ongoing and devastating effects of alienation.
Many of us feel devalued & discarded on a daily (hourly) basis. That's exactly what the person who is alienating your children from you would LOVE for you to feel. Because then, they don't have to consider you each time they look at the child you made together.
But through this work, Ive found that nobody can devalue me unless I allow it. Yeah, life is not how I planned it. And YES... I would give all of this self-betterment back in a HEARTBEAT if I could just have my child back. But that clearly isn't in the plan for life (at current). I trust that our children will come back when they are ready.
SO why not try plan B? Why not SOAR in the meantime?
Finding Peace: Understanding the Distinction Between Giving Up & Embracing Acceptance
In this episode, we'll delve into the crucial distinction between giving up and acceptance for us, as parents experiencing alienation.
Only you can decide what's right for you (and there is no "right" answer, anyway), but thru a couple personal stories, along with my own experience, this content will provide you with the clarity you've been searching for!
- Why so many target parents find themselves burnt out and frustrated
- How to set productive parenting goals from a place of empowerment
- Surefire way to find peace, while not falling prey to your own expectations
- How to not lose momentum and stay true to your goals
Elevate Your Life & Custody Situation: Adopt a CEO Mindset
We can learn to "get by" after alienation happens; ducking behind a shield of indifference, while experiencing an ever-present undertone of victimhood... head on a swivel, while the subconscious brain scans the environment for any sign of danger (in the form of the alienating parent)...
Is it obvious that I speak from experience on this one? 😆
...or we can muster up the courage and make a conscious effort to take charge of our lives.
Are you tired of feeling victimized, powerless, useless, directionless... and all the other "less"es? Well, you're in luck...
I have got the mindset shift you need! Become the CEO of your custody situation, and notice how quickly you shift into feeling poised, in-charge, and purposeful!
Subscribe to the weekly newsletter: https://beyondthehighroad.com/contact
Letting Go Of "Should" Talk
Should talk. Do you ever get tired of the pressure that comes with "should" & "shouldn't"?
"Life shouldn't be like this."
"My ex shouldn't be alienating my kid from me."
"People shouldn't be so rude."
"I should be further along than I am"
"I should look forward to my parenting time"
"I should look forward to my scheduled call with my kid"
"I shouldn’t feel nervous about or have mixed feelings about seeing my kids"
"My neighbor should be less annoying."
"I should be sending them more gifts"
"I should be doing more"
"I should be doing less"
Here's the thing: the word "should" is almost always an argument with reality. Using any version of the word is our way of placing a.) conditions on others or b.) pressure on ourselves to do or be different than we currently are.
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
Unintentional Hater Mindset?
Are you an unintentional hater? Chances are, if you've gone thru the tragic situation of alienation, you probably also had your "fair" share of heartbreaking experiences before the custody battle even began.
It would make perfect sense if you picked up a few protective/coping mechanisms without even noticing. Here are just a couple of reasons why this might be happening:
- If you came from any degree of narcissistic abuse, you might've unconsciously learned to question the intentions of those with whom you interact. This is simply because relationships w/ a narc are transactional, by nature.
- 😲"Fun" Fact: during extended periods of isolation, the human brain secretes a neuropeptide called tachykinin (or TAC2) . This peptide activates the amygdala, causing heightened paranoia, anger, aggression, and fear. 👀
(Now ,👆🏼 are just the two I forgot to mention while recording. I provide many more in the episode 😉)
Here's the thing: we need isolation like we need gaping holes in our heads. If anyone deserves a cheering section & community, it's an alienated parent. Can I get a "Hell yeah!"? But!.... If we wanna to keep people around, we need to learn how to give and receive love again -- without allowing our coping mechanisms crash the party.
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
Why Having Hope Sucks (As An Alienated Parent)
Hope sounds like such a great thing. It sounds so affirmative, supportive, and well... HOPEFUL! Nearly every parent I've ever spoken with (hundreds of you) has used the word at least once during our conversations.
Here's the thing about it: It SUCKS. Stay with me here.
Think back to the last time you used it. How did it make you feel? ...On the inside, I mean. Did it make you feel motivated? In control? Did it cause you to feel certain of your ability? How about capable?
Ima guess that you weren't envisioning fluffy clouds, leprechauns, and cute little piggy snouts after you said it.
Ya. That's because the idea of hope causes us to feel hopeless. It takes our agency, and places it in the hands of tomorrow. It suggests that our lives should be placed on hold until then. Whatever emotion we are after by hoping, we must forgo until the Gods of alienation decide to reward us.
That sucks, y'all. I've got a better way to frame it. 😉
Get your free study guide with 9 thought provoking questions to make yourself aware of your beliefs around this mental construct. https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/hopesucks
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
Let Go of Shame & Create a Life You Love Following Alienation
Your ability to succeed is directly related to your default beliefs. In other words, if deep down, you don't believe you can accomplish amazing things, you will never try. You will live a mediocre life. You'll dumb yourself down.
I know you are more than that. I believe that -- no matter the obstacles -- you can do and be anything you decide on. So long as you believe it.
It's 2024. A brand new year is ahead of us. What do you want to create? Who do you want to become?
In this episode:
- My theory on 2 main reasons that we as alienated parents have a hard time believing that we can create a beautiful life
- How to overcome those reasons and create the a life that is worthy of you
- A story from my past illustrating how strong the human mind is, and how powerful and influential the beliefs we carry can be on our ability to perform in our daily lives.
- 3 MASSIVE mistakes I made during critical times, that ended me up here
- How to decide who you want to be moving forward
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
When You Feel Disappointed By Those You Love
The Compound Effect of a Determination Mindset
I should be further along by now. It's too late. I'm too old. I missed my window. It's not happening fast enough. After alienation happened, each of those phrases played on a daily rotation in the jukebox of my brain.
I never understood how people could get so much accomplished with such (seemingly) little effort. To me, it seemed like all I did was spin my tires in dirt... burning what little energy I had left... while others tra-la-lah-ed in circles around me (which only exacerbated the situation in my mind).
Fast forward to today... I must hear the questions 20-30 times a month: How do you do it? How did you find a way to make it through the misery?
And... the comments that follow often sound like: Well, you must be different. Your situation must've been less severe. You must've had help.
But no. None of the above. My results are due to the compound effect of my determination mindset. Day in, day out relentless desire to change the trajectory of my life. In each one of these episodes are my secrets HOW.
Holiday Support Group is Thursday @ 7:30pm! Send me an email to get the Zoom link
beyondthehighroad@gmail.com
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group
https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
Difficult Conversations In Alienation (How to Have Them)
What would change in your life if you weren’t afraid to have difficult conversations?
Getting along with someone in your life when they're not acting as they "should" is one of the most challenging issues we face around the holidays. Then, when we add alienation into the mix, the opportunities for conflict to arise seem to multiply. One of the main byproducts of conflict is negative emotion.
And.... when there’s a lot of negative emotion involved, it's difficult, seemingly impossible to not go into blame, frustration, defensiveness, & justification. But being "right" offers a false sense of power - it costs us intimacy.
In this episode, I share with you:
- 3 steps to take before you go into a difficult conversation
- 3 methods for having a successful talk.
- 7 phrases to diffuse any heated disagreement.
- What to do when you feel defensive (and why you feel defensive in the first place)
- Picking your battles/knowing your reasons why
Its time for the FREE Holiday Support Group! 🎄 If you're at all interested in attending, come let me know, so I can prep for you! https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/HolidaySupportGroupSignUp
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group
https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
The Truth About "Old" Pain & Resentment in Alienation
In last week's episode I made a mistake. I referred to one of my thought choices as an "old resentment", suggesting that it's somewhat out of my control that I still lug it around with me today. But that's not how it actually is. And Than GOD for that.
If we all had to reckon with the pain from our pasts by continuing to repeat the same old painful and wretched stories to ourselves, life would be absolute AGONY.
The truth is, you can decide how you want to think and feel about anything you want. It's your story to tell.
Its time for the FREE Holiday Support Group! 🎄 If you're at all interested in attending, come let me know, so I can prep for you! https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/HolidaySupportGroupSignUp
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group
https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
Get Divorce Pawns, the free ebook!
Let It All Fall Apart
Change is inevitable. Right now, as you read this, the world around you is evolving. YOU are evolving. We all know this from an intellectual standpoint; but emotionally, we fight it tooth & nail.
Change occurs when something makes it impossible for you to remain the same. Just as the caterpillar transforms into a butterfly, YOU, as an alienated parent, also go through your own metamorphosis...
....IF you allow for it. But if you fight it, you remain in your chrysalis - hardening and seizing up (which requires you to exert a lot of energy, and amounts to nothing in the end).
Instead, I'm offering that you let it all fall apart, as it wants to do. This is what is required in order for you to emerge from your outer shell (your ego) and become your newest version of you. ♥️
🎄its that time of year again for the Holiday Support Group! 🎄
If you're at all interested in attending, come let me know, so I can set the day of the week!
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/HolidaySupportGroupSignUp
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
Renewing Thankfulness: When You Think You Have No More F**ks To Give
I think one of my top pet peeves has to be when some person I dont know tells me:"smile! It can't be that bad!" You know what I'm talking about, right? I think the reason it annoys me so much is because that person is implying that a.) they know what's going on in my head and b.) that the absence of smile on my face is actually affecting them so much that they need me to fix myself according to their preferences. And that has never sat well with me. Similarly, when a holiday like Valentines day or Thanksgiving rolls around, there are times, especially following alienation, when I don't care to fix myself for others. You feel me? In today's episode, I share with you some ideas to help you find genuine gratitude during the times when you think you have zero fucks to give. 🎄its that time of year again!! The Holiday Support Group! 🎄 If you're at all interested in attending, come let me know, so I can prep for you! https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/HolidaySupportGroupSignUp
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
Holding Space For Your Anger
As alienated parents, the emotions we experience are INTENSE. Over time, anger can be sewn into -- BAKED into -- the fabric of your being. It can begin to affect how you think, feel, and interact on default... down to your posture, facial expressions, and subconscious interpretations of your world around you.
I used to think that when I had an intense emotion, that I had no control over how I reacted. "If they wouldn't make me mad, then I wouldn't have behaved that way". Cause 👉🏼effect!
But I've since found that I was mistaken. Today I know that I can feel intense anger, and go get a pedicure. I learned how to hold space for the emotion, while also not burying it deep down in my soul.
Over the holidays, emotions run high. I timed this one to help you to manage all the frustration you might be dreading. 😉
Speaking of holidays, its that time of year again!! The Holiday Support Group! 🎄 If you're at all interested in attending, come let me know, so I can prep for you!
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/HolidaySupportGroupSignUp
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
Are You Readying Yourself?
I was thinking the other day about us (target parents), and about our children, for whom most of us would pledge both arms to have home again.
Then it occurred to me.. "but I wonder how many parents feel ready to have them home?" ... "and I wonder how many of those parents have taken the steps necessary?" ... "or even know the steps to take?"
Because, let me tell you: 3-4 years ago, I sure as heck wouldn't have known what to do. I mean, it's one thing when it's written in a court document, or being thrown at you in condescending SMS msgs, but it's a whole different thing -- and so much more helpful -- when you hear it from another parent who's been down the very road you're on.
Plus, I know for me, the holidays have historically been a time to hide. This way, you have a framework to follow over the next few weeks, months, or however long you decide..
So, this episode contains 4 steps to a.) prep you for reconnecting with your kiddo and/or b.) move you from feeling like 💩 to feeling like 🤩.
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
The Anatomy of Suffering: How to Function When Your Grief Takes Center Stage
Those of us who've experienced alienation are all pretty well-versed in both pain & suffering. The combination of the two is AGONY. The good news is, only ONE of these is necessary.
IN this episode:
- my thoughts on getting to "happy"
- how we perpetuate our pain
- dirty pain on top of clean pain
- why it's so important to allow your base pain
- 4 ways to eliminate - or at least minimize - your suffering.
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
Finding Strength From the Shadows: My Top 10 Insights to Overcome Alienation
This week makes ONE WHOLE YEAR for us! I say "us", because I really feel like you are part my team -- an integral part. This week's episode is dedicated to my top 10 favorite insights and most valuable lessons I've learned on this road to recovery. It's on the lengthier side, but as you'll hear, I had a lot going on for me personally this week. Enjoy.
✨ASK ME ANYTHING!!! THIS SAT OCT 28, 2023 10:30am EDT ⭐️⭐️⭐️ register for the event: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/askmeanything
or Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivateWebsite: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
Fear to Freedom: Overcome Social Anxiety & Embrace Lasting Confidence
Social Anxiety... it cripples many target parents of alienation. Throughout the year, I believe we kind of "manage" ourselves around it; however, once the holiday season rolls around, the influx of reminders can cause some of us to feel overwhelmed. The feelings show up in subtle ways at first, causing behaviors such as avoiding eye contact or limiting conversations, so as to protect us from vulnerability. Over time, these little behaviors manifest into a large emotional barrier between us and the rest of society.
Today I share with you a story highlighting the polarity between my pre-alienation ability to thrive in the spotlight amongst hundreds of people and post-alienation social anxiety, which still lingers today.
In this episode:
- The root cause of your social anxiety
- Fear of judgement/persecution
- How to reconcile your identity as a parent
- The problem with "good parent", "bad parent" labels
- External validation vs internal
- How to reconnect with loved ones after a period of time
- How to overcome fear of public speaking (what I'm working
on at current!)
Free Resources:
✨ASK ME ANYTHING!!! THIS SAT OCT 7, 2023 11am EDT ⭐️⭐️⭐️ register for the event: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/askmeanything
or Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
Neutralize Dread & Regret: How to Make Decisions You Can Stick By
Decisions... they seem so damn difficult to make (after alienation happens). Especially when you're in an active state of worry about what might happen as a result of your choice. Your brain will keep you in a state of paralysis if you've been telling yourself things like:
- "last time I made a decision, it cost me....."
- "Any choice I make is going to backfire"
- "I should just wait and see what happens"
- "the 'right' option will present itself"
Thoughts like these will only keep you sitting in idle (or possibly going in reverse). Not only that, but the energy your body expends in avoiding... OOF (trust me, I speak from very recent experience).
What's more? The act of procrastinating/avoiding the impending decision in front of you will actually CAUSE that dreaded outcome to come to fruition.
In this episode:
- My own recent experience with dread
- Effects of allowing dread to dictate your actions
- One of my biggest regrets in life
- Regret: useful or not useful?
- How to make decisions you can stick by
- Also! The Cuban Back Bean, Chicken, Quinoa Recipe:
Facebook Group
https://www.facebook.com/groups/highroadprivate
Get Notified!
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/contact
Website:
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok:
53. Turning the Tables: Using the Stress of Alienation to Empower & Enhance
I used to think that the activation of my stress response meant I was DOOMED. You hear about it on the news, on social media... Heck, even my therapist harped on me about the insidious effects prolonged stress can have on the brain and body - early onset cognitive decline, cancers High BP, premature aging, depression, blah blah.. 😵💫 SHEESH. I mean, the stress ABOUT my stress often bugged me more than the actual stress. You know? It made me feel like no matter how much mind management I did, no matter how much effort I made to heal.. I would forever be at the mercy of the person (people) who was alienating my child from me. 🧚🏼Then.. one magical day, I happened to be sitting in on a lecture. I learned about the Stress is Enhancing Mindset. WHATTTTT...? Sign me up, I thought. And..? The rest is history. In this episode: Why it's imperative for you to adopt a productive mindset and behavior set around stress the everyday simple (and obvious) behaviors that you can adopt/incorporate into your routines Growth Mindset Stress in Enhancing Mindset How to use the mindsets to reverse the negative effects of stress due to parental alienation ✨ASK ME ANYTHING!!! THIS SAT OCT 7, 2023 11am EDT ⭐️⭐️⭐️ event will take place in the private FB group. Join by clicking below!👇🏼👇🏼 Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighRoadPrivate Get Notified! https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/contact Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
references: https://web.stanford.edu/group/memorylab/papers/Gagnon_YCN16.pdf
52. You Were Built For This
And ya... you may chuckle -- even scoff -- at my glass-half-full perspective on the otherwise grim, depleting, and ugly predicament you've found yourself in...
But I've found that this outlook causes me to be/feel the most productive, purposed, healthy, and at peace.
Because when you're experiencing unjustified cutoff from your child, it's extremely easy to fall into the helpless trap. Trust me... I (my unconscious mind) set up camp in that very same trap for nearly a decade.
Today, I'm going to share with you a mindset hack that I "invented" years ago, weeks after undergoing a major surgery. It was a few short sentences that I repeated to myself while on a run one day, after having (the first of many) massive abdominal cramp episodes. I began reciting this mantra out of desperation while feeling unable to unlock myself from the fetal position on the side of the road (Dramatic sounding, I know!😨). This mantra became my ritual during/through many challenging moments in the years to come.
I just actually remembered it today while on a walk. Enjoy!
51. Thought Loops
In this episode, I’ll share with you 3 types of negative thought loops that we engage in, along with a few stories of my own experiences. I’ll also offer you the methods I use to overcome each one.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️This SATURDAY @ 1pmEDT ASK ME ANYTHING ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
event will take place in the private FB group. Join by clicking below!👇🏼👇🏼 (alternatively, you can send in a question that I will respond to on Sat. email: beyondthehighroad@gmail.com). ➡️
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group
www.facebook.com/groups/703388451025470/
Get Notified!
www.beyondthehighroad.com/contact
Website: www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok:
www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
50. Are You Doing Enough?
Are you doing enough? I hear this question all the time. My clients often wonder and worry over this… and it makes sense. If your days were once filled with carting your kiddo to and from school, soccer practice, recitals, Brownies, Boy Scouts, etc, and then all the sudden… you weren’t… Its completely understandable that youre feeling a sense of urgency.
Similarly, if you worry as a result of watching the situation stay the same — or get worse — it also makes sense that you’d wonder whether you’re doing enough. It’s not uncommon for parents like us unconsciously take the blame.
Regardless, one thing is true for most of us: we LOVE to outsource by checking Facebook groups, reddit, and good ole Google to find the answers… We want to hear what others say on the matter. But have you ever not9iced that not matter how many answers you get from outside of you, none of them ever seem to scratch the itch?
Well, in this episode, I’ll explain why that is, along with how to find YOUR ANSWER for yourself.
Facebook Group
https://www.facebook.com/groups/highroadprivate
Get Notified!
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/contact
Website:
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
49. Exterminate Your Alienation ANTs (FULL VERSION)
“I must've done something really bad to deserve alienation”. “I’ll never get through this.” “My children will hate me forever.” “This is how my life is going to be from here on out.” “It’ll never work.” These are your Automatic Negative Thoughts… your brain’s go-to sentences it recites when you experience a moment of discomfort. They’re knee jerk mental reactions that cause us to interpret regular situations in unbalanced ways. These automatic negative thoughts trigger us to feel unpleasant emotions. Alienation or not, we all have them. BUT.. I do believe that the more negative experiences a person has had, the more these ANTs pop up. And... of course, the more you believe these thoughts, the more you reinforce them. In this episode, I share a few types of ANTs, as well as how to interrupt and replace each one.
Facebook Group
https://www.facebook.com/groups/highroadprivate
Get Notified!
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/contact
Website:
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
48. Do You Appreciate You?
Do you appreciate you? Do you ever stop to delight in your funny little quirks, your gorgeous hair or calves, or your kind heart? I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you probably don't. If you do, it's not often enough.
It makes sense. If you have been called "unfit" or "unsafe" by the alienator (possibly your children too), the emotional part of your brain has likely been trying to solve for the accusations by becoming hyper-aware of all of your "defects". Since you feel like you've lost control of your custody situation -- your children's safety too -- oftentimes, the next place we turn to is ourselves. Some people overdrink. Others self-harm. No matter the behavior, we all seem to develop destructive self-talk.
In this episode, I give you 2 exercises (well, ONE, applied two different ways), to help you to retrain your thinking around this. So that you can begin to see all of your qualities as unique and truly AWEsome.
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group
https://www.facebook.com/groups/703388451025470/
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/contact
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
47. Boundaries in Alienation - Why They Never Seem To Work
46. "I Should Be Further Along Than This”, Said Nearly Every Alienated Parent
"Challenging" can be an understatement.
But on top of that, many of us sit in judgement of ourselves about how far along we aren't. We think we should be thru it by now... and as a result of resisting, arguing, and avoiding where we are, we create a great deal of unnecessary suffering for ourselves.
Over the last week, I've read Facebook posts that proclaim: "I should be further along in my healing.".
Brand new clients will say: "I just need to close up these wounds so I can begin doing the work to better myself".
They'll casually comment: "God, life will be great when I stop feeling like this."
Desperation and urgency in their voices, they'll ask: "When will this suffering stop, so I can just start living my life again?"
It's human nature to resist discomfort. It actually goes against our hard wiring. The Motivational Triad: Seek pleasure, Avoid pain, Be efficient. Our system is set up for survival. To seek out all of the feel good things, and avoid all else like the plague -- literally. It thinks: pain = death. But it's wrong. This is an antiquated setup. We do not need to resist emotional pain -- In fact, what got us (the human race) here is actually killing us. In today's world, we need to MOVE TOWARD IT.
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group
www.facebook.com/groups/703388451025470/
Get Notified!
www.beyondthehighroad.com/contact
Website: www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok:
www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroadcoach
45. The Blame Game/⭐️Bonus: The Secret to Reaching Your Goal
Parental alienation is rooted in blame. They blame us. You go to family court, and what happens? BLAME. The custody evaluator? The GAL? Blame and blame. As a result, our children learn that blaming is an acceptable way to behave. And, in response, we blame them (the alienating parent).
The problem is, when we blame, we put a halt to all progress and growth. Alienation ends up being a game of Blame Hot Potato.
- "They did it!"
- "NO, YOU did it!"
All the while, months, sometimes years pass, and you're still in the same spot. 😞
Let's end this misery, shall we?
⭐️BONUS!!!⭐️ Have you been desperately wanting to get out of a rut? Like, you can see the result you want right in front of you -- you can almost taste it -- but you just can't seem to grab it? Well, my friend... I've got you. In this episode I drop in the secret to uncovering the pernicious thoughts that are keeping you at arm's reach.
Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group
https://www.facebook.com/groups/703388451025470/
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/contact
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
44. When You Want Them To Still Need You
As the back-to-school shopping gears up, this might be a rather painful reminder that things aren't how you planned them to be. As an alienated parent, this might be a sensitive time for you. Maybe your firstborn is off to college.. Maybe your little one is entering a new school, and you're wondering who their teachers might be, what they'll wear on their first day, or if they received the money you sent them for school clothes.
I know... I get it. It's not how I planned motherhood to be, that is for sure.
But d'you know what makes things SOOOOO MUCH WORSE? That brain of yours. You know, the one that ruminates, self-deprecates, and beats you with the "shoulda" "coulda" talk.
In this episode I share with you my thoughts on neediness emotional childhood and emotional adulthood.
⭐️👉🏼ALSO!!! THIS SATURDAY AT 11:30EDT!!! 👈🏼⭐️♥️
FREE WEBINAR/ COACHING CALL!!
THE SKILL THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE
To Attend either:
a. Join the BTHR Private Facebook Group
https://www.facebook.com/groups/703388451025470/
or
b. Register @ https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/changeyourlife
Get Notified!
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/contact
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroad?_t=8bldGzhlf1m&_r=1
43. Fawn Response/People Pleasing
42. Honor Your Desires
41. Opportunities
40. Make TODAY the Day That You Set Yourself Free
Make today the day you set yourself free from the alienator's choke hold on your life.
Over the holiday weekend, I was thinking back to the day that I set myself felt free -- from the negativity, the anger, the helplessness -- there was a clear turning point in my healing, where I left all of the dark days behind me.
I'll share with you a few stories, some of my favorite healing metaphors, and a motivating mindset that you are more than welcome to adopt as your own!
Links:
https://linktr.ee/bthrcoaching
Watch the video!
https://open.spotify.com/show/5kHqLzgrzbfEHRLFoaDqGs
https://youtube.com/@beyondthehighroadcoaching
Get Notified!
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/contact
Website:
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroad?_t=8bldGzhlf1m&_r=1
39. Disparaging Remarks (Don't Let Them Steal Your Thunder)
You know what I'm talking about... when you get wind of another accusation, insult, or disparaging remark that the alienating parent is slinging your way? Yup. As alienated parents, I've always said that we should each be assigned our own (king-size) catcher's mitt, designed specifically for this reason.
Jokes aside, it makes sense that you feel the need to defend yourself (and your reputation), but the thing is, doing so is never worth it. Investing your time - and your energy - into playing defense will steal your light. It will block your creativity and ability to access your higher thinking.
Links:
https://linktr.ee/bthrcoaching
Watch the video!
https://podcasters.spotify.com/ or https://youtube.com/@beyondthehighroadcoaching
Get Notified!
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/contact
Website:
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroad?_t=8bldGzhlf1m&_r=1
38. Your Happiness
Recently, I've noticed an uptick in suffering in the online communities (specifically for alienated parents). People seem to be particularly unhappy. Whether due to Mom's and Dad's days or summertime & custody scheduling, the WHO debacle, or all of them combined, something seems to be "in the air".
SO many of the parents are just handing over their power (to the alienator) on a silver platter.
Today, I'll share with you THE secret to happiness. You'll never need to rely on the alienator or your child for your happiness AGAIN (which is a good thing, because... well, read the above).
Watch the video!
https://open.spotify.com/show/5kHqLzgrzbfEHRLFoaDqGs
Private Facebook Group
https://www.facebook.com/groups/703388451025470/
Get Notified!
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/contact
Website:
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroad?_t=8bldGzhlf1m&_r=1
37. Coping with Alienation Anxiety By Worrying
Worry. Anxiety. They can be all-consuming when we're dealing with alienation.
Anxiety is a physical state. There are different kinds, but all anxiety derives from one thing: fear of the unknown. We cope with anxiety by:
- worrying
- avoiding
Worry is an active mental state of fearing what is to come. The emotional brain thinks that the act of worrying is purposeful. We think that by doing it, we are protecting ourselves. But actually, it doesnt serve us at all.
In this episode I provide you with a few helpful tools to pull you out of worry and into a more productive mindset.
Watch the video!
https://open.spotify.com/show/5kHqLzgrzbfEHRLFoaDqGs
Private Facebook Group
https://www.facebook.com/groups/703388451025470/
Get Notified!
https://www.beyondthehighroad.com/contact
Website: https://www.beyondthehighroad.com
TikTok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@beyondthehighroad?_t=8bldGzhlf1m&_r=1