Memoir Snob

Do you want to write under a pseudonym or not?

• I have been writing as Charlie Bleecker for over four years. If you want to give it a real go, commit to it for a year. 

• Do my friends read my writing? No. Does my family read my writing? No. That is the whole point. 

• If you care at all about growing your audience in a time span of less than 10 years, don’t do it.

• What about support? It’s nice to have your family and friends support you… That’s true. But give it time. You only need one or two people to support you in the beginning. I have SO much support now, and none of it comes from my friends or family, except for my husband. He is the one person in my life who knew about Charlie from the beginning.

• How to choose your name: Pick a name you like! One that’s easy to say and easy to spell and isn’t super common if you search it in Google. 

Here’s what I learned from Life On Delay by John Hendrickson:

On Structure:

• When you open with a big event, where something big is about to happen, it creates suspense.

• The opening is a pivotal moment. There was life before this moment, and then there’s life after. 

• Around ¾ of the way through the book he comes back to this moment and finishes the story. 

• The life-changing moment is only the beginning of the major changes to come for John (aka, the main character). The life changing moment, then, is a catalyst for change and growth. 

On the relationships with his family, namely his brother Matt:

• Adjectives are manipulative when describing the people you’re close to. Showing is always more compelling than telling. 

• When writing about your past—especially your adolescence—the best way to evoke emotion out of the reader is to leave your feelings out of it, whether they were your feelings back then or your feelings now.

• The best way to introduce a main character in your story is through multiple stories about them.

• When introducing a character who you had or have a troubled relationship with, it’s important to write about them completely separate from you. So there should be stories that involve you AND stories that don’t involve you, so the reader can get a fuller sense of who this person is.

• Phrases I will never write in my own book: “I don’t blame them,” or “absolutely thrilled.” 

Other Notes:

• When jumping around to past, present, and future, it’s important to find ways of anchoring the reader and orienting them by letting them know where we are on the timeline, in relation to big events that have already occurred in the story. 

• Freeze frame: when you’ve finally arrived at a big moment—in this book’s case, a hard conversation—one way to build suspense is to break up the dialogue by commenting on something else that’s happening at the same time. In this instance, John wrote about what was going on in his head simultaneously.  

On Endings: 

• A powerful way to end is with a story. It doesn’t have to be fancy or clever. This was simple, abrupt, and beautiful. 

Here’s the link to Michael Dean’s video about the David Foster Wallace essay: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wbjup1xuo8Q&t=1s

Here’s what I learned from How Tracy Austin Broke My Heart by David Foster Wallace:

• Rather than tell us how bad the memoir was, he lists eight (eight!) examples—all quotes from the book. 

• Later, he explicitly tells us how bad TV interviews of top athletes are, then gives two very long and detailed back-to-back examples to make his point. 

• The best memoirs are written by writers, and celebrity memoirs are trash.

Here’s what I learned from My Fair Junkie by Amy Dresner:

• Amy Dresner is the second memoirist I’ve read who had a life changing moment with a breathwork teacher—Glennon Doyle was the first, in Love Warrior. So I found a breathwork person near me and did it! I don’t know if it was life changing but I definitely had a moment. 

• Character intros should have lots of specific details, and don’t be afraid to make them long, like three or four sentences. 

• A rule about parentheticals: they should always only be hilarious.

• Lots of examples of how to not write your feelings or your own commentary to the story, especially when the dialogue is gold (as it was in Amy’s story). 

And a quick update on my memoir!

Here's what I learned from Lost & Found by Kathryn Schulz:

• Create tension by pairing repetition with opposites.

• Add playfulness by pairing something literal with something figurative. 

• Show don’t tell: how can you show us you’re crying without telling us?

Also… an update on my memoir!

Here’s what I learned from In The Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado:

• I can write a cohesive story that is made up of little stories, all strung together with a unifying theme. 

• When writing about moments of inebriation or vulnerability, it’s funny to include present-tense comments of your thoughts at the time, like a question you thought, or something ridiculous that would not make sense if you were sober. 

• Metaphors don’t need to be explicitly explained, as long as there's context surrounding it. 

• Surprise your reader with a different format at some point in the book: in this case, she did a whole section of Choose Your Own Adventure.

• When you find it difficult to explain something, analogies are a great tool.

Here's what I learned from A Life's Work by Rachel Cusk:

-Sometimes your experience of something is enough, sometimes it’s all there is. You don’t have to share wisdom or lessons; you could just tell people what happened, and there's value in that.

-When you include disclaimers you water down the thing you were trying to say. It takes away from the truth and makes you unrelatable.

-Write unsparingly about yourself means to ONLY write unsparingly about yourself. You don't then try to redeem yourself after the fact. Just say the shitty thing and move on. When you try to redeem yourself it makes you unlikeable.

-When you write an analogy, the more parallels you can make the more vivid the analogy becomes.

-In a run-on sentence it's funny if you can add a conflicting statement—I want this but I also want the opposite of this. Also, the run-on sentence is more powerful if either the sentences just before or after are really short.

-If you want to tell a story that involves another person but you don't want to include them, you don't have to! You can leave them out completely, or, you can make it known that they were there but then still leave them out of the story. If the person doesn't add any relevance to your story, if their presence is more distracting than anything else, just leave them out.

Sam is back! And Charlie sucks at parenting.

Here’s what I learned from The Liars’ Club by Mary Karr:

If I want to tell stories from my past that involve family members, I can ask them how they remember the same story and include their perspective by saying things like, “If I gave my big sister a paragraph here, she would correct my memory. To this day, she claims…” or “Lecia says that…” or “My sister says this never happened.” 

I can tell my truth and honor my story while and also share my family’s perspective. It’s not 'I’m right and they’re wrong,' it’s 'here’s how I remember it and here’s how my family remembers it.'

Here's what I learned from What Remains by Carole Radziwill:

-The best prologue I’ve read so far because of her journalistic style of writing. 

-Structure is so important. It should be seamless, unnoticeable; surprising but not confusing. Never linear. 

-Rather than attempt to describe visceral moments from my life where I’ve “cried so hard,” I can skip them altogether.  

-Facts are more shocking than trying to describe the shocking thing.

-A strong ending: circled back to the prologue and then closed with a flashback.

Memoir deep dive #8

Here’s what I learned from The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls:

-When you leave out thoughts and feelings it evokes big emotions from the reader.

-Action and dialogue drive a story—not thoughts and feelings.

-If you want to drop a bomb, bury it. Make it subtle, within a sentence. Say it and move on. 

-A long list can evoke big emotions.

-Include moments of resolution, when something difficult has occurred that has made me determined and focused about myself or my future.

-Want a strong ending? End with a callback metaphor.

Memoir deep dive #7

Here's what I learned from Born Standing Up by Steve Martin:

-Breaking the 4th wall is when the writer addresses the reader directly. It's intimate, it's funny, and a lot of comedic writers do it. It's a fun way to make the reader feel like they're a part of the story.

-The best way to be sarcastic in writing is to be subtle about it.

-Our fantasies are hilarious, vulnerable, and relatable. When sharing a fantasy, the deeper into it you go, the better it gets.

-Great ending! He ended with a joke. How fitting and satisfying when this book was all about his standup career. As the reader, I was hanging on to every word of the last page, and smiled to myself at the punchline.

Memoir deep dive #6

Here's what I learned from Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle:

-Her book structure was as follows:

Prelude (her wedding day)

Part 1 :The Before Image (childhood to rock bottom, to pregnant, to marrying Craig)

Part 2: The Explosion (being sober and married and a mom is hard, writing is the light in her life, and then the bomb is dropped—Craig confesses that he's cheated on her multiple times)

Part 3: The Transformation (a journey to self-trust, forgiveness, and a new way of being)

Afterword (renewing her wedding vows)

The Prelude and Afterword acted as bookends, mirroring each other.

-She uses a coined term throughout the book: my representative. This is the Instagram version of herself, the one she sends forward to protect herself from harm. The one who tells the world, "I'm fine," even though she's not. She came back to this term again and again, until finally, she has a new understanding of her representative.

-There were a few moments when she wrote with anger that made me feel bad for her husband even though he cheated on her. For myself, I want to try and take out all emotion, all of my thoughts, and just stick to the story. I don't want to coerce readers into taking my side. I want them to decide for themselves how they feel about the different characters.

-The ending felt a little too hopeful, a little too wrapped up in a bow, a little too boring. For myself, I want there to be a punch at the end. I still want it to be happy, but I want to make the reader laugh, or cry, or both. The ending should be a story, and it should grip the reader until the very last words.

Memoir deep dive #5

Here's what I learned from The Tender Bar by J.R. Moehringer:

- Repetition can have a lyrical effect, which makes your writing read almost like a poem. It's also a fun tool when writing as a drunk person, because drunk people repeat themselves.

- Analogies are a descriptive way to be more specific and visual, and avoid cliches. You don't need to force analogies. Try to think of it this way: What does this really remind me of?

- Alliteration is a subtle way to make your writing sing. Also, when you have alliteration with two contrasting, polar opposite words, it creates a real punch.

- There's no space between the word and the em dash—like this.

- Don't look up writing rules on the internet! Instead, read the writing of people you admire, and write like them (Ex. Moehringer rarely uses commas).

- Foreshadowing creates suspense and asks a question. Later, it answers that question.

- Callbacks are a relevant reference to something that took place earlier in the narrative. Different from foreshadowing, they feel like a pat on the back, or like an inside joke, like we know what’s going on because we were here from the beginning.

- Write about the moments when nothing actually happened—the missed opportunities when I wish I said something or reacted differently. What did I wish I had said? What was I feeling at the time?

- Here's something fun: Write a quote of someone talking to me about someone else, but it feels like they're talking about me. Instead of reacting, have the person continue to react to my facial expression. Ex. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

- "Don't strain for the perfect sentence. There's no such thing." When you try to craft a perfect sentence, you don't allow your voice to shine through.

- Share my bad writing ideas throughout the book. It's fun to see the process!

Charlie has a conundrum: she wants to cultivate friendships but also loves all of her "me" time.

Later, she and Sam get slightly heated about Charlie's visit from her family.

Here's what I learned from Finding Me by Viola Davis:

- Never write: "Words can't describe..." because that's what writing is. It's describing things.

- Show don't tell. Show the reader something is important with your words, not punctuation marks.

- If you have an amazing story to tell but you're not a very good writer, consider hiring a ghost writer.

Here's what I learned from Based On A True Story by Norm Macdonald

- It's okay to have a bad memory and still tell your story because ... no one has a perfect memory!

- The mirroring technique is powerful: when you write something in a very specific way and then repeat that phrase or sentence later to create impact.

- When you tell some stories that are true and some that are absurd, how is the reader supposed to know the difference?

Here's what I learned from The Santaland Diaries (essay) by David Sedaris

- Repeating something someone has said 3x can have a funny, sarcastic effect.

- Rather than respond to something with your thoughts/ideas, respond with a story or observation. This is more compelling and more credible.

- You don't need to end your story with your thoughts, feelings, values to impart, lessons learned. You can just end with the actual ending of the story!

In these memoir deep dives I highlight my takeaways from the book and how I can apply what I learn to writing my own memoir.

Here's what I learned from Greenlights:

- Coin a term for the title of your book.

- Open with a powerful, visual scene.

- "The choices we make write the chapters."

- Take creative liberties: experiment with more dialogue!

- Repeat themes/ideas you want the reader to remember.

- Make your book unique: McConaughey had little poems written throughout; I want to write fantastic Acknowledgments.

- The midpoint of your book should be an up or a down for the "protagonist" (ie me). This is similar to feature length screenplays. The midpoint of Greenlights is the moment McConaughey becomes famous.

- Write a chapter on how you met the person you chose to spend the rest of your life with (obviously... because this is the most important decision of your life).

- Endings are hard, but it might just write itself. Write the bulk of the book, and then think about the ending. I don't need to start with the ending in mind.

Charlie and Sam discuss risk-taking (Charlie loves to take risks in her creative endeavors but not in her personal relationships), their lack of friends and community (they gotta get out of the suburbs) and their relationships with money (they just hired a personal chef and will tell no one).

Charlie and Sam discuss a recent Tim Ferriss Show podcast episode with CEO Coach Matt Mochary. But mostly they get unintentionally meta about podcasting.

Randy is one of Charlie's new online writer friends. They discuss the purpose of their writing, their experience of making friends through Write of Passage, and their mutual hatred of Twitter. 

Charlie wants to get vulnerable in 2023. In this episode she expresses her feelings around sending Layla to daycare, an upcoming family reunion, and why podcasting is so hard. 

Rachel Morris (referred to as "Rebecca" in past episodes), joins Charlie and Sam to discuss her sailing adventures, childhood education, talking to kids like they're people, and self-checkout at the grocery store. 

Sam and Charlie hired a nanny and they love her. They share their insights on the hiring process and what they look for. They also skipped town for two nights and went to Miami. It was their first trip away from their babies (it's been almost three years!). While there, Charlie finally met some online friends IRL. They left the dinner invigorated, saying, "We need better friends." And Sam and Charlie's relationship with drinking alcohol continues to change...

Charlie and Sam are joined by Charlie's best friend of all time, Kylie. 

Kylie and and Charlie met in 2nd grade and still remain the closest of friends. They talk about their hometown friendships and why Kylie never left. How does personal growth happen without ever leaving the place where you grew up? 

Then they open up about their relationships with alcohol and how it's changed over the years.