You have two choices when the walls are falling in on you
1. Break down in despair and let the walls crush you or,
2. Rise up in hope and lift those falling walls away from you.
Rising up in hope is not an easy process it takes time, energy and determination. Life is not easy it is hard, it is filled with darkness and sometimes it is hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel. But when you choose hope you choose to believe that even though you cannot see that light at the end of the tunnel it is there. Take the first step today towards that unseen light and it will change your life for the better. My challenge and everyone’s challenge with this is to practice being hopeful every day because with daily practice being hopeful becomes natural. We all have to practice being hopeful, we also have to practice becoming alert, becoming more conscious and becoming aware. We also have to practice becoming kinder more compassionate and more caring with ourselves. The more we practice the better we will become at being able to be more hopeful, even when it feels like the whole world is against us and nothing is working the way we wanted it to. So the next time you have a problem in your life, instead of fighting it, take the time to ask what is this problem here to teach me? Choose to see the problem as your friend, something that is here to help you grow.
Today I wanted to talk about the importance of hard work and consistency and the reason for this is, I have just published my first book Mental Wellness and Spirituality: 40 life lessons for success from a mental health nurse.
The book is available to buy on Amazon and also as an e-book on kindle. This book has come about as a result of me working consistently on a regular basis, but also by me continually taking small steps every day to ensure that I was meeting my daily targets. So the lesson is if you have a big dream, or if you have something that you trying to achieve.
Instead of procrastinating, instead of worrying about what other people are going to say or what they think just do something. Just start doing something towards meeting your goal, talking about it with no action, dreaming about it with no action will not enable you to achieve the goal that you have. Actually putting you thoughts your words into action is what is going to help you achieve your goal. Then doing that regularly and consistently consistency is key, without consistency you will not achieve your goal. Start with something small if you like to give you the confidence that it will work and that it is possible for you to achieve your goals and then work from there.
If you need motivation then my book is perfect for you, check it out on Amazon, it’s called Mental Wellness and Spirituality: 40 Life Lessons for Success From A Mental Health Nurse and my name is Cindy Mukombegumi .
For anyone who gets in touch with me directly either on my Instagram in my using my Instagram handle which is mental_wellness_cindy get in touch and get a copy of the book. Take pictures of yourself reading the book share those pictures and use hashtag #cindymuko , also gift the book to somebody who needs it!
Thank you for all the support.
Every little helps.
Every little helps as the saying goes. When it comes to finding happiness, small steps make a big difference. It’s Simple.
Instead of thinking positive thoughts start doing positive things, instead of making big plans for the future, start doing small things every day that make you happy. Don’t worry if you chosen task feels too small. If it moves you closer to your goals, it is worth doing.
If you want to get in shape, start going for a five minute walk and committing to doing that every day. If you want to make friends, focus on pursuing your own passions first. Just take the first step to committing to doing something daily that enables you to achieve your bigger dreams. Stay connected to the possibilities instead of all the things that could go wrong or hold you back.
So what big dreams and visions do you have at the moment, but you’ve not started because you have the enormity of them drowning you? How can you break them down into small manageable chunks to make it easier to do and thus easier to start?
What ever your dreams or ambitions start doing something small towards them today!
How to measure success
We are now 22 days into 2020, how are you doing with your resolutions? If you made any that is. Whether your goal was losing weight, dry January, starting a new habit or just having a different vision in this year. Have you stopped to check in with yourself to measure progress or just to reflect on the impact that the changes have made to your life so far? And why is it important to do so.
When you take time to reflect on experiences, it gives you an opportunity to look at them once again thoughtfully. Reflection helps to set the tone for the next step, and also gives positive reinforcement to all that has been accomplished. Some easy steps that you can take to make reflection a part of your daily life are:
1-Write in a journal – this can help with reflecting on daily intentions. Write down three positive things that happened, as well as three negative or unfortunate things. The main aim is to start and get into the habit of finding time to reflect every day and documenting it.
2-Experience nature – simply take a walk or go for a hike or bike ride without technology. Take a deep breath and appreciate the beauty that is right in front of you.
3- At bedtime – take a moment to reflect, this will help you clear your mind and centre yourself with your breath.
Reflecting regularly will help to keep you on track with your goals, that’s giving you a better chance of achieving them.
So if regular reflection has to date not been a part of your life pick one of the three options journalling, experiencing nature or a bedtime routine of reflection, and do this for the next seven days. See if this makes a difference to your life and see if it makes a difference to you being able to achieve your goals.
Have you ever thought about why during the flight safety procedures they tell you if the oxygen masks are activated put on your mask first before helping anyone else including your children?
Well that is because for you to be able to help others around you or to be able to meet their expectations you need to be healthy enough to do so. Expectations make us suffer. They make you feel like you’re living someone else’s life. This is because they allow other people to determine your choices. Pleasing other people is like chasing a moving target. Everyone has different hopes for you. Expectations are also an illusion. By trying to please everyone, we end up pleasing no one, ourselves included.
That is why most people do not live the life they want. Everyone feels frustrated and disappointed. We do live our lives trying to fulfil expectation, both our own and others. Sometimes they can be daunting, but ignoring them will not make them go away. You need to learn how to deal with them , And rise to the challenge so what steps can you take to do this:
1- keep your promises but be aware of exceeding them – exceeding expectations is not necessarily better than meeting them.
2- do not confuse expectations for reality – just because you’re expected to get married and have children does not necessarily mean that it is going to happen or that you need to do it.
3 – discuss with others to clarify their expectations – expectations are abstract, not always clearly defined or expressed. So by talking them through you will get more clarity.
4 - give yourself credit for the steps you take towards complete success – the small successes add up.
5 – keep a goal journal – it will help you gain insight and understanding into which expectations are realistic and which are not.
6 – delegate whenever you can – there are some things you cannot control let go and allow yourself to relax.
Importantly give yourself a break. Don’t let your mind settle on what you could be doing but instead see value in relaxation.
Life is like a fragile glass, it would break sooner or later rather than expecting things to happen one way, enjoy them for what they are and well they lost.
Why saying I Love You especially to children is important.
Those 3 little words I love you, saying them may seem like such a small thing in the grand scheme of things but in reality it’s not. The words I love you have inspired countless poems, songs and works of art but when it comes to saying I love you to our children, for some it comes easily but for others not so much, they need reminders as to why saying these 3 little words is nice for the children to hear.
But can we say it too little or too much? And why is it important?
One school of thought says it’s essential to say it because we tend to assume people know we love them from the way we treat them, but this is not always true and we sometimes find out later in life when someone is in therapy as an adult, and they say my mother never said I love you.
They go on to say that it does make a big difference also because as a child you learn how to express your feelings ready for your own relationships later on. Personally I don’t think those words can be said too much, it is how they are said, so long as the sentiment is authentic and heartfelt.
So why is saying I love you and meaning it important to children?
1- It instills courage – when a child knows that the parents love them unconditionally, it helps to build the courage which gives them stability to try new things and take risks.
2- It models what love is – showing our children what love really is, is very important to their future relationships and self-esteem
3 – It lets them know they are not alone – that they have someone in the corner which is important for their mental wellness
4 – It builds trust – building trust is an important foundation for any relationship.
As parents though they are a lot of other things that we can do to show our children that we care such as, listening to them when they talk to us and when they want to tell us something, we can also show them through physical expression of love such as cuddles or kisses or even holding hands and we can also show them by sharing quality time such as reading a book or playing a game and doing activities together. All of these are just as important if not more important than the words themselves.
So now knowing that the amount of affection you receive as a child might impact on adult relationships. What are you going to change today about the way you parent your children, whether you received affection as a child or not let’s break the no love cycle that exists in some families.
Anxiety is something everyone experiences at times, and feeling anxious is a perfectly natural reaction to some situations.
But sometimes feelings of anxiety can be constant, overwhelming or out of proportion to the situation and this can affect your daily life.
The good news is there are plenty of things you can try to help cope with anxiety.
Making new year resolutions is helpful but you should not wait for this. Any day is a good day to get started with your goals.
Why wait to do tomorrow, what you can do today, right. Start when you are still feeling most motivated not when you have scared yourself to death with the prospect of change or even failure.
Happy new year, and remember any day not just the 1st of January is good for crushing your goals.
No one wants to do things that are #difficult or a #struggle or outside of our #comfort zones. So we tend to #selfsabotage.
Some of the signs of self sabotage are:
1) #Procrastination- which is the action of #delaying or #postponing something.
2) #Breaking #promises to yourself.
3) Refusing to seek #support, even when you know you need it.
4) #Prioritising comfort over progress.
All of these things are self #betrayal, because we convince ourselves that we do not want the things that are really #important to us. We then turn to #selfmedicating with things like #food, #drugs and #alcohol, as ways of comforting ourselves.
In the moment it may seem small but the self medicating adds up and changes the way we feel and behave. Once we lose #trust in our own words and our own #promises, we then lose our #confidence and we lose hope. We then stop even trying to begin to make #changes.
So what can we do about this?
Start by making one small promise to yourself #duetwithhollyh today, and then make it your absolute priority to keep it. That will start a new habit of keeping your promise to yourself.
Let me know how you get on.
You can’t stop the waves , but you can #learn to surf. #Changes, #challenges and #problems can arise at any time, whether you like it or not! So it’s #important to identify the things that you can and cannot #control.
Imagine a #difficult situation you have encountered today or at any other time. How did you deal with it? Where you able to stop and rationally think it through? Or did you completely or even partially fall apart? How you respond to problems determines how #successful you will likely be in solving them.
You will not always be able to resolve a situation in the way that you would like, but you need to take #control when you can, and #act decisively when you can not.
So how can you solve problems or challenging situations. I use a method which I read in a book called The #Critically #Reflective Practitioner by Neil Thompson and Sue Thompson. It’s a versatile problem solving and time and stress management tool that identifies 3 ways to respond to challenges;
1) Control : Identify the issues or elements of the situation that you control
2) Influence : Identify the elements that you can’t control, but that you can influence
3) Accept : Identify the things that you can neither control nor influence, and adapt accordingly.
An easy way to remember is using the acronym C-change
Understanding these potential responses helps you put problems in #perspective more easily and easily get a sense of what you can and cannot #accomplish. This then enables you to focus your efforts where they will have the most impact.
So next time you find yourself dealing with a challenge or problem apply this C.I.A. You will be surprised how quickly you will resolve issues and move on to other more #productive things to do with your time and #stress.
Let me know how you get on.
Nothing holds you back more than your own #insecurities. Do you find yourself dwelling on negative #thoughts about your self, repeatedly putting yourself down, #criticising yourself, comparing yourself to other people you think are perfect? When you make a #mistake, do you think it’s absolutely awful, that anyone else would have done a better job, and it’s an example of some #permanent flaws you have?
If so, then like many people, you are often your own worst enemy, #negating everything you do and blowing things up as if your mistakes are the worst that anyone can #imagine. This is due to the self critical voice that defeats you before you start, robs you of any credit for anything that you do, and makes you #afraid of trying anything because you fear the #loathing and #regret that will follow.
So what are some #techniques you can use to defeat this self critical voice, so that you can feel better about being a real human being:
1) Add a #positive self message to an image- put it on your phone, laptop, bathroom mirror and message board.
2) Look in the mirror- smile and #compliment your self on one quality or trait you like.
3) Remind yourself- no one can do everything but everyone can do something.
4) Send yourself a loving text- keep it and re-read it often.
5) Keep a self praise journal- each time you feel pleased by something you have done or said jot it down, make a voice memo on your phone.
6) Recognise where your voices come from- in a lot of cases the voices are expressing #attitudes that were directed towards us as children.
This inner critical #voice plays different roles in different people’s lives. For some they do keep them on track but for a majority of us, they #stop us from even starting. What does your inner voice do for you.
Whatever your inner voice does for you, I always start with identifying whose voice it is I am hearing, and then work through the issue that is bringing it up. It’s a #daily #struggle.
You are confined only by the walls you build yourself. So work hard to break through.
A salary is a drug they give you when they want you to forget about your dreams. The fear of failure in an entrepreneurs path, is the most important motivator they have got. This is because they start their journey by saying i am going to quit the security of a salary.
This is because it is very easy to stay in that world where somebody is mitigating your risk. You just have to perform certain tasks, do them well for a third of your day and they will feed you a salary and you do not have to think about anything else and that for a lot of people works. There is nothing wrong with that, great employees are extremely valuable to building enterprises. But when you leave that path you put at risk income that you need to eat with, and that fear of failure is an extremely motivating factor to keep you going on this different journey.
So how is an entrepreneur defined , it is somebody that understands that they are responsible for every single failure and everything stops at them. They are somebody who needs to figure something out. Its somebody who thinks outside the box and when everyone else says no they say yes.
Entrepreneurship gives you freedom and the ability to be your own boss. However as an entrepreneur you can make mistakes, and the worst mistake you can make is to not admit your failures and continue to try and resusitate a project with yours and other peoples money. Have a time limit for every project. 3-5 years is what most gurus suggest.
So what indicators can you use to measure success? This is different for different people. It could be the money you are making or that the idea is getting traction with the customers or how many people use the platform. But when something does not work out embrace the failure, embrace the lose and remember the lessons of why it failed. Then move on to the next thing.
Do not let failure demotivate you. This message is important because 80-90% of start ups fail. Realise something is not working before it kicks ou out of the game for GOOD! You can recover from small mistakes.
Entrepreneurship is about taking responsibility for your actions and understanding that there are many people that will help you in regards to your succes, but only you will be the one that is responsible for your failures.
So just remember you might not succeed at first but even the best entrepreneurs failed at first, so go ahead and take your swings it is what the greats do.
It all comes down to one choice, risk or regret. You either take the intelligent risk, or wish you had. You take the risk or suffer the regret. What is worse, the pain of risk or regret?
Now i am no expert, but i think the answer should be obvious. Now just because it is obvious, does not always mean it is the easiest answer to make. Some decisions are hard to make, some are a no brainier. Going out on a limb can be downright terrifying, but sometimes the biggest leaps are also the ones that are worth making.
To get you started here are 5 risks you will never regret taking:
1) Saying No- be selective about the things you engage with, so you can be really present for the stuff that you are doing. Trying to accomplish too much will stress you out in the process.
2) Being Yourself- being who you truly are, drawing your energy from that true core will make you more powerful and will enable you to do things your way.
3) Taking that trip across the country (or across the globe)- its no secret that planning a trip can help boost your emotional wellness.
4) Speaking up at work- it may be scary sharing your ideas with everyone in your company meeting, but a consistent voice at work is key to growth and success.
5) Asking for help- by asking for help you are not being weak, you are being strong.
Our genes and our socialization favor us to be risk averse. Our distant ancestors learned and we know that jumping off cliffs and running toward bears usually does not work out well. Its proven that we take mental shortcuts, have biases and are ensared by mental traps that lead us away from taking risks whether we know it at the time or even in retrospect.
We however take 'good' risks because regret is a powerful emotion. We dont want to feel regret and seek to avoid it, we not only can feel regret after making a choice, regret that we did not choose what might have been a better option, but we are capable of forecasting our future regret and taking action now to avoid future regret for not acting.
Its about knowing when to make a tuff call and taking a leap of faith.
Write down a risk you are considering.
Everything is scary until you do it. So what is your choice going to be?
Sibling rivalry, aaaaaaah!!!! If you a parent or relative or friend to anyone with siblings who constantly fight, or you are a sibling who fought constantly, you know where i am coming from.
Sibling rivalry is a type of competition or animosity among siblings. Siblings generally spend more time together during childhood than they do with parents. Their bond is often complicated and is influenced by factors such as parental treatment, birth order, personality and people and experiences outside the family. Sibling rivalry is particularly intense when children are very close in age and of the same gender and or where one or both children are intellectually gifted.
It is a concern for almost all parents of two o more children. Problems often start right after the birth of the second child. It usually continues throughout childhood and can be very frustrating and stressful to parents. What causes sibling rivalry?
1) Each child is competing to define who they are
2) Children feel they are getting unequal amounts of your attention, discipline and responsibility.
3) A child's development stages will affect how mature they are and how they share your attention and get along
4) Developmental disorders such as Autism and other illnesses.
5) Stress in the parents
6) Stress in children's lives can shorten their fuses and decrease their ability to tolerate frustration, leading to more conflict
What can you do
1) Do not play favorites
2) Do not compare your children e.g. your brother gets better grades
3) Set your kids up to cooperate rather than compete
4) Do not get involved, of course step in if there is a danger of physical harm
5) Set ground rules for acceptable behaviour
I certainly needed to research and hear this message today as my sons are currently going through this phase. I hope like some they will grow out of this and form a close lasting relationship.
Till then the parenting journey continues.
Everyone needs to vent occasionally. But is complaining helpful and does it work?
Complaining changes the balance of negative/positive energy and for a brief moment at least, we feel better. Its actually a pretty reliable process. Addictive even. Which is a problem (beyond even the wasted time). Like just about all addictions we are feeding the spin of a destructive, never ending cycle.
Life is stressful, and complaining may be considered by many as an extension of being absolutely normal. However complaining affects our brains and our physical health negatively. A sense of sadness or melancholy is increased, along with real dissatisfaction with our daily lives. Negative stress can also make chronic health problems worse. You are also more likely to get headaches, joint pain and depression.
One way of dealing with these symptoms is through learning how to stop useless complaining. And how can you do this i hear you ask
1) Keep moving forward
2) Be responsible
3) Be less judgemental
4) Be assertive
5) Be more mindful
6) Learn to adapt
7) Nourish a positive attitude
The good news is that you can train your brain to stop complaining. This goal is possible to accomplish in a short space of time.
Another important step is defining why you are complaining. Take a step back to really think about what’s bothering you. Is there a valid reason for the complaint? Are you complaining merely for the sake of complaining? Is there an action you can take to resolve the problem?
There will always be something to complain about. But next time you are stressed take a step back, inhale and laugh. Remember who you are and why you are here. You are never given anything in this world that you can not handle. Be strong, be flexible.
Love yourself and love others. Always remember just keep moving forward!
Sometimes life is just hard and i do not know about you, but some days i ask myself if what i am doing is even worth it and on really bad days if i am even worth it.
Well guess what? You are worth it .Yes YOU!! You are worth it and here's why
1) Because You care
2) Because You make a difference
3) Because you are an advocate for growth
4) Because You put community over competition
5) Because You help others
6) Because You are different and that's okay
7) Because You give it your all
The problem with self worth though, is not that others will challenge it. The problem with self worth is that we continuously challenge ourselves:
1) Am i good enough?
2) Do i deserve that much pay?
3) What if they think i am greedy?
4) What if they think i am a bargain and not take me seriously?
5)What if they reject me?
6) Worse yet what if they accept me but i fail to meet their needs?
But what if something goes right?!? You will never know if you do not give yourself a chance. I would rather try and be rejected than live thinking "what if" for the rest of my life. To go for it means to believe in yourself. It is impossible for you to own your self worth if you have not convinced yourself of what that is, regardless of others opinions.
If you want to be valuable you must not just think but believe that you are valuable. So remember you are worth it. You are worth the time out to pamper yourself. You are worth the money to get you something nice.
Allow yourself to love yourself. It is hard trust me and it does not come easy, but once you learn that you are worth it, then you will thrive in every aspect of your life.
We have all been there. At some point in our lives, we question ourselves. Are we doing good enough? Should we be doing all the things we are doing, should we listen to all the people that are saying we are wrong? A certain level of self doubt is good because it indicates you understand what you need to improve in order to do a better job (remembering that doesn't mean what you are doing is not good!). However, persistent fear and self doubt can hugely affect your life, in a bad way.
Self doubt can keep you stuck. Self doubt weakens your self will, it breeds procrastination, it opens you up to regrets and self pity, it kills personal growth, it hinders creativity. Self doubt should not be give the power to determine our success. By recognizing the dangers of self doubt you can fight its ill effects more easily.
Common causes of self doubt are
1) Past experience and mistakes.
2) Childhood upbringing e.g. being raised by parents and teachers that constantly tell you that you are not good enough. In this case tell yourself that you are a grown up now and this is YOUR LIFE!
3) Comparisons with others
4)The rise of new challenges
5) Fear of failure or even fear of success.
Some ways to over come self doubt
1) Stop making excuses
2) Beware of your close circle
3) Raise your self awareness
4) Practice self compassion
5) Stop asking for validation
6) Don't talk about your plans
7) Trust your values
8) Just START DOING!
For me it is making my mission bigger than my fear.
What is your strategy.
Please share this with someone who needs to hear this message today.
My 10 year old son is autistic, this diagnosis is not a problem, in fact it is a relief because it helps to make sense of how he views and responds to the world.
The problem is everybody else or more specifically the people around him that do not understand his disability and how to support him. He is currently on the verge of being permanently excluded from school, which in itself is not a bad thing as he will stop experiencing daily trauma in that environment. This is because he keeps walking out of the class room and having "melt downs" because of he is having sensory overload. Autism is what i class as one of the invisible disabilities.
In my sons case he is classed as a high functioning autistic, because he can read, is verbal and to a certain extent can keep up with the school curriculum. The problem with this is everyone expects him to be able to understand all social rules and ques. Then when he does not which is often he is labelled as naughty.
This is the sad true story of his life. My son is the most loving, caring and sociable young boy you will ever meet, but sometimes things just get a bit difficult to process and he lashes out as a way of communicating his distress. He is unfortunately as was the case last week, then labelled a danger to himself and other people. Simply because the people that are supposed to be supporting him do not understand that in those moments they need to be communicating with him differently to help him calm his senses down. instead they overload him more.
I worry every second for my sons future and i know i am not alone in that. We need to change how we treat people with invisible disabilities.
I heard something from a teacher that i listened to today that really got me thinking and i wanted to share it with you.
It was that Anxiety is experiencing failure in advance. That is the worst has not even happened yet, but we are already worried abut it. We have already decided that the thing or action we were going to take is not worth it because of this feeling of fear.I have certainly felt like this about a lot of things a work meeting, a date, a new opportunity. You name it the list is endless.
Why does this happen? To answer that i will start by defining what anxiety is. It is a feeling of unease, such s worry or fear, that can be mild or severe. Everyone has feelings of anxiety at some point in their life. For example, you may feel worried and anxious about sitting an exam or having a medical test or job interview. When these feelings become persistent and stat impacting on daily life this may be a sign of an anxiety disorder, which you should get support with.
But in terms of just getting a general feeling of unease. It stops you from doing things because we are afraid of failure and want to protect ourselves from that mainly because of fear of judgement from others.
So what is a possible solution? Try to find generous regular work or an activity that scares you. If you can dance with the fear it wont go away, it will never go away, but you can learn to use it as a compass. So that when the fear shows up you can say"oh that feeling, i am getting that's reminding me i am on the right path". Make it a habit do it a few times a day. Keep a journal or blog to document the progress you are making.
Hearing this today certainly motivated me to not want to fail before i had even tried. What motivated you to accomplish your goals today?
Please share your stories and follow , like and share.
Hello and welcome back to Cindy @ 40 or if its your first time welcome.
My focus in all the content i am putting out is to leverage the power of story telling to promote social change around the importance of everyone's entitlement to good mental and mental health support. Talking about mental health has been seen and remains a taboo in some communities and countries.
The reality is we have all experienced problems with our mental health at one point or another. For a lot of us we have experienced these struggles on our own and did not feel we could openly talk about what we were experiencing for fear of being judged by others. For either feeling depressed, stressed, anxious, suicidal, manic or anything else.
This needs to stop because the reality is we all know someone who has been affected by the death of a loved one because of a mental health problem. Problems with mental health are something that every single human being on this planet has been affected by. Therefore we need to freely be able to talk about our mental health without and get the support we need without judgement.
So please join me in sharing your stories about your mental health and how getting help and speaking up helped you . Just start the conversation today with your children, family, friends and community. There is no right or wrong way to talk about what you are experiencing with your mental health, starting the conversation is what is important, so please if you are struggling start the conversation today so you can get help.
please share this with someone who needs to hear this message today. Follow me so you can be part of this speaking up community and also so you never miss other helpful content.
Suggest in the comments other topics you would like me to talk about and suggest any influential people you would like me to interview so we can keep the good mental health conversation alive.
Check out my Facebook page cindy giving advice at 40
Co parenting with an ex can be a stressful and emotional endeavour, even when things are civil. Unfortunately, it is common that breakups are rough, and the co-parenting relationship involves friction, arguments, disagreements about parenting choices, general opposition, manipulation and so on.
“A difficult ex” can describe several personality types, and if you are dealing with a difficult ex, you probably already know. Some may generally oppose any decisions or suggestions you make, wanting to make sure that all ideas implemented in parenting are their own, in an attempt to control the parenting, some try to actively diminish the influence you may have on parenting decisions by making important decisions without collaboration, some also have a need to constantly compete and win against you rather that focusing on the best interest of the child or children.
In my case my ex is constantly trying to gaslight me for those that know what it means. He constantly wants to make me appear to other people like I am a bad mother to my children. He will bombard me with emails with questions, disguised as concerns about the children, questions I have to add that I have already answered in another email on in the numerous 3 way meetings we have about the children. And if I don’t reply god help me, that is twisted against me for everything it is worth.
Some effective ways I have found for dealing with my ex are:
1) Knowing my boundaries and sticking to them.
2) Enforcing my boundaries.
3) Communicate through a 3rd party or start counselling.
4) Set everything in advance.
5) Use legal documentation.
6) Focus on yourself development so their negativity does not affect you.
At the end of the day it is not easy to go through a partnership process with a person who sees and treats you like an enemy. When dealing with a difficult co parent, the best interest of the children needs to stay the centre of focus.
Most importantly look after yourself and your mental health so you can be the best parent to your children at all times.
We don’t need to change to please other people.
One of the most freeing things we learn in life it that we don’t have to like everyone and everyone doesn’t have to like us, and it’s perfectly OK.
As mother Teresa famously said, “some people come in our life as blessings. Some come in your life as lessons”.
This carefree attitude did not come overnight. I had to go through a tough phase first.
I practiced being who I thought other people wanted me to be. Still despite giving my best, I was always criticised, and never received a single word of appreciation. I allowed myself to take it, because I thought that one day they would realise their mistake and start liking me.
ONE DAY NEVER CAME!!
You don’t need someone who doesn’t like who you are.
You are beautiful, you are great, just the way you are. You are you, and that’s the greatest thing you could be.
You are you, and there is nobody like you out there, so keep being you. Every single person on this planet is one of a kind, and that’s one of the most magical things on this Earth.
If someone tells you to change who you are or encourages you to become someone you are not. Walk away.
Walk away from people who try to change you, because without being who you truly are you are NOBODY!!
Self-awareness is the capacity for introspection and the ability to recognise oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals.It is not to be confused with consciousness in the sense of qualia. While consciousness is being aware of one's environment and body and lifestyle, self-awareness is the recognition of that awareness.Self-awareness is how an individual consciously knows and understands their own character, feelings, motives, and desires.
So it is the ability to focus on yourself and how your actions, thoughts, or emotions do or don't align with your internal standards. If you're highly self-aware, you can objectively evaluate yourself, manage your emotions, align your behaviour with your values, and understand correctly how others perceive you.
Having awareness creates the opportunity to make changes to behaviour and beliefs. A simple quick assessment of self awareness might be:
1) Basic- Aware of your thoughts while you have them.
2)Medium- Aware of the thoughts and emotions you have about your thoughts in the moment.
3)High- Able to put attention on your emotions, and physical state in a way to relax and thereby change your thought process in the moment.
Maybe you are at high level of self awareness in a relaxed state, but in a stressed state you might shift to a medium or basic level of self awareness. Even where we are on the spectrum changes depending on other factors during the day.
Some benefits of self awareness are:
1) Living as a self aware individual allows you to live in the present, knowing who you are and what you want.
2) You find it easier to let go of toxic people as you know what you deserve.
3) Aware people welcome mistakes as stepping stones to success. They are not deterred by failure as they know what they are capable of.
4)Gratitude goes hand in hand with awareness , you are grateful and thankful for who you are.
5) You understand you own boundaries and have limitations. Therefore you are comfortable saying no.
6) Self awareness boosts confidence.
7) Productivity is another benefit of self awareness. Being able to control your emotions means you replace reactivity with productivity.
How to develop self awareness
1)Meditate- Meditation can really help you to focus on being more self-aware.
2)Ask yourself questions, to develop a better understanding of yourself and your actions e.g. "why do i avoid certain things or situations?", "what am i trying to achieve?"
3) Keep a log or journal, which will help when tying to understand your attitude and actions.
4) Ask your friends and family, to give you an honest critical and objective perspective on you and your feelings/behaviour.
5) Live in the moment and analyse your emotions by doing this you learn to stop worrying about the future or the past.
Self awareness does not stop you making mistakes it allows you to learn from them.
When you are kind to others it not only changes you, it changes the world. Kindness is the ability and desire to have a positive impact on others. Kindness is extending yourself in a way that uplifts another human being.
It is a behavior marked by ethical characteristics, a pleasant disposition, and concern and consideration for others. It is considered a virtue, and is recognized as a value in many cultures and religion.
In Book II of Rhetoric, Aristotle defines kindness as "helpfulness towards someone in need, not in return for anything, nor for the advantage of the helper himself but for that of the person helped". Nietzsche considered kindness and love to be the "most curative herbs and agents in human intercourse".
Why is it important to be kind, because it makes you feel good about yourself. It strengthens your relationships and sense of satisfaction in life. Science has now shown that devoting resources to others, rather than having more and more for yourself brings about lasting well being. Kindness has been found by researchers to be the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.
There are different ways to practice kindness. One way to be kind is to open your eyes and be active when you see people in need. A kind word, a smile, opening a door, or helping carry a heavy load can all be acts of kindness. Celebrating someone you love giving honest compliments, sending an email thanking someone, telling someone how s/he is special to you, helping an elderly neighbor with yard work or food. Refusing to gossip or bully others, by donating old clothes or items you no longer use are other ideas of acts of kindness.
Being kind often requires courage and strength. Kindness is an interpersonal skill. Kindness also includes being kind to yourself. Kindness has many benefits including increased happiness and a healthy heart, improved relationships and connections.
So show some kindness today to yourself and to others.Happy Odd Sock Day.
Apologizing is expressing regret for something that one has done wrong. An apology is a statement that has two key elements.
It shows your remorse over your actions.
It acknowledges the hurt that your actions have caused to someone else.
We all need to learn how to apologize, aft er all, no one is perfect, We all make mistakes , and we all have the capability to hurt people through our behaviors and actions, whether these are intentional or not. It is not easy to apologize, but its the most effective way to restore trust and balance in a relationship, when you have done something wrong.
There are many reasons why you should make a sincere apology when you have hurt someone unnecessarily, or have made a mistake.
An apology opens a dialogue between yourself and the other person.
When you apologize, you also acknowledge that you engaged in unacceptable behavior.
It helps you rebuild trust and reestablish your relationship with the other person
It gives you a chance to discuss what is and is not acceptable
You restore dignity to the person you hurt.
If you do not apologize when you have made a mistake:
You will damage your relationship with colleagues, clients, friends or family.
It can harm your reputation
Limit your career opportunities
Lower your effectiveness
Others may not want to work with you
Follow these steps when you make an apology:
Promise that it will not happen again (and mean it!)
Do not offer excuses when you apologize. Otherwise you will sound as if you are trying to shift blame away from yourself and on to someone or something else.
So take the time today to apologize to someone you have hurt!
Raising children is hard, and any parent who says differently is lying. Parenting is emotional and intellectually draining, and it often requires professional sacrifice and serious financial hardship. Kids are needy and demanding from the moment of their birth to....well, forever.
Don’t get me wrong I love my kids and will do anything for them but being a parent is hard work. I don’t believe I am alone in thinking that. Being a parent is more about giving than receiving. Firstly that’s fair enough as the children did not ask to be born, we asked for that!!
Study after study has shown that parents, compared to adults without kids, experience
1) Lower emotional well being
2) Fewer positive feelings
3) More negative ones
4) Have unhappier marriages
5) Suffer more from depression
Yet many of these same parents continue to insist that their children are an essential source of happiness. Indeed that a life without children is a life unfulfilled.
I am one of these parents. I do not remember what my life was like before I had children. My days are now filled with endless negotiations and compromise. I feel more like a slave than a mum. I have learnt to sacrifice a lot of my time for my kids.
I have had to change mentally and emotionally to accommodate them. It is hard. Believe me the struggle is real. But if you asked me if I would do it all again the answer will always be a resounding YES!!
Compassion is the sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of there. Compassion literally means “to suffer together”. Among emotion researchers, it is defined as the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.
Compassion is not the same as empathy or altruism, though the concepts are related. Compassion motivates people to go out of their way to help the physical, mental or emotional pains of another or themselves.
Compassion may have the ability to induce feelings of kindness and forgiveness, which could give people the ability to stop situations that have the potential to be distressing and occasionally lead to violence.
Compassion consists of 3 major requirements:
1) People must feel that troubles that evoke their feelings are serious
2) The understanding that sufferers’ troubles are not self inflicted
3) Ability to picture oneself with the same problems in a non-blaming and non shaming manner.
The key to developing compassion in your life is to make it a daily practice. Meditate upon it in the morning, think about it when you interact with others and reflect on it at night. In this way it becomes a part of your life.
Why develop compassion? Well because scientific studies have suggested the physical benefits to practicing compassion. People who practice it produce 100% more DHEA, which is a hormone that counteracts the aging process and 23% less cortisol the stress hormone.
But there are other benefits as well and these are emotional and spiritual. The main benefit is that it helps you to be more happy, and brings others around you to be more happy.
So make compassion a part of your daily life to increase your levels of happiness.
I just wanted to take the time today to say thank you to everyone who takes the time to watch, read and listen to my content.
I also want to absolutely thank everyone who has taken time to like, follow, share and comment on my content. You guys have no idea how much this means to me. We are all very busy, but you have honoured me with your time and attention. For this I am grateful 💖💖
Please keep watching, commenting, liking and suggesting content you would like to see.
Thank you again and no words can express how grateful I am.
Got out of bed, brushed your teeth, ate a meal, showered or bathed, cleaned up your room, drank water or just breathed today.
Simple accomplishments deserve recognition. We put so much pressure on ourselves everyday to achieve great things and we forget all the little things that we accomplish that then lead us to achieving the big things.
Try to remember to be kind to yourself regularly. What was the last thing you did that you were proud of? How did you celebrate that? Did you share your accomplishment or keep it to yourself?
As children we freely and easily show pride in our achievements. As adults however we have a fear of pride. A fear of showing it, feeling it and sharing it. This needs to be addressed.
We all give a lot of excuses when it comes to our wins. We brush off the good choices we’re making by putting focus on the less awesome choices we made.
So what can we do to start changing this?
1) Every night write down one thing you love about yourself. It can be something you did that day that you are proud of, it could just be being able to get out of bed that day. Because when you are feeling low, depressed or ill that is a massive achievement. It could be a trait that you love about you or even a physical feature you like. No excuses and no negativity. Just focus on positive.
2) Set small goal. Set daily and weekly and monthly goals and celebrate them!
3) Find a way to make a change. Find a hobby or something that intrigues you. Something that scares and excites you. Be okay with being scared of failure, that is when the most growth happens. And be okay with failing and finding a new path to success.
Allow yourself to be proud of yourself and all the progress you have made. Especially the progress that no one else has seen.
Well done YOU!!
Gut instinct, or intuition is your immediate understanding of something, there’s no need to think it over or get another opinion- you just know.
Your intuition arises as a feeling within your body that only you experience. You know when you just feel like something is wrong, you don’t know why but deep down you just know it. And then you over think it and your first gut feeling ends up being right.
Intuition allows you to get the first warning signs when anything is off in your body so that you can address it. If you have a gut feeling about that something is toxic, weak or off. Listen to it.
Your body is a powerful intuitive communicator.
Positive and affirming instincts are often accomplished by:
-A sense of warmth
-Ability to breathe more easily
-Sharp clarity of hearing or vision
-A wave of goose bumps, tingles or fluttery sensations
-Relaxation in the gut and shoulders
Negative or warning instincts are often accompanied by:
-Icy cold hands and feet an overall chill
-Twinging or clenching pain in gut or chest
-Nausea or acid stomach
-A sense of being on high alert
-Fatigue or loss of energy
-Onset of headache
Personally I have made several life changing decisions purely based on intuitive feeling and I have to say, I have no regrets to date. The only times I ever regret not listening is when my gut was telling me something was wrong and I did not listen and guess what things have gone really bad.
Gut feelings really do stop you making mistakes several study’s have found that.
So next time your gut is warning you listen to it!!
Should others people’s opinions and admiration matter, when it comes to anything that you do in life?
We all need to belong. We seem to have a deep need to be a part of units or communities and to be accepted, approved of, and then even admired.
However this often leads to people worrying too much about what others are thinking about them. This kind of excessive worrying can have a negative effect on your life it can be so debilitating that it interferes with your ability to feel at ease with yourself and around others.
Do not let it prevent you from living your life to the fullest potential. Here are some reasons you should not care so much what others think.
1) Its not their life, so it’s none of their business.
2) They don’t know what’s best for you.
3) What’s right for someone else may be completely wrong for you.
4) It will keep you from your dreams.
5) You’re the one stuck with the end result.
6) Peoples thoughts change on a regular basis.
7) Life is simply too short!
8) You reap what you sow.
9) Others don’t care as much as you think.
10) The hard truth is it’s impossible to please everybody.
The weight of others thoughts can become a burden for you. It can inhibit you from living your life because your entire being, your personality, your thoughts, your actions are controlled by an idealised standard of what people want to see. When you become so obsessed with other people’s opinions of you, you forget your own.
Once you give up catering to other people’s opinions and thoughts, you will find out who you truly are and that freedom will be like taking a breath for the first time.
I have achieved more in my life by not caring what other people think and I have found so much peace mentally and emotionally as a result.
Live your life for you, not for other people!!
Being alone and feeling alone are very different things. You could be surrounded by a lot of people and still feel very alone.
You could be in a marriage or relationship and still feel very alone. I have been through this in my now ended marriage.
The struggle is real. The causes for these feelings of loneliness are numerous and different for everyone. It could be that you are depressed, stressed, unwell or have a disability are just different in ways that the people around you don’t understand. This can cause you to feel alone.
My call to action to is for anyone who is now at the point where because of that loneliness you are considering or thinking about suicide. Then please get help, reach out.
You are not alone there are people out there who care and want to help or just be a shoulder to cry on. Get in touch.
I know the feeling I have been there it can seem like everything is pointless, but it is not. You matter too.
If you think you know someone who is struggling reach out to them, you never know who’s suffering silently. Your kindness can save lives.
If you are feeling alone and need someone to talk to get in touch with me. My inbox is always open if anyone needs to talk!
You Are Not Alone.
How do you get yourself doing the things you need to do when you are having a slow day?
Today I felt off for numerous reasons and absolutely did not want to do anything. But being a parent I had the kids to feed and dress and get to school on time. I also of course had to get to work.
Well I guess the motivators today were I did not want to have to have a conversation with the school about the kids were late or not in at all. I also did not want to have a conversation with my boss about not going into work and then this risk my livelihood which enables me to provide for my children.
Motivation is the word derived from the word motive which means needs, desires, wants or drives within the individuals. It is the process of stimulating people to actions to accomplish the goals.
In the work goal context the psychological factors stimulating the people’s behaviour can be desire for money or success.
Motivation is also defined as ones direction to behaviour, or what causes a person to want to repeat a behaviour, a set of force that acts behind the motives.
An individuals motivation may be inspired by others or events (extrinsic motivation) or it may come from within the individual (intrinsic motivation).
So what motivates you to keep going and doing the jobs you need to get done everyday.
Please share your tips and tricks in the comments.
Happiness is used in the context of mental or emotional states, including positive or pleasant emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. It is also used in the context of life satisfaction, subjective wellbeing, flourishing and well being.
The word happiness is used in relation to 2 factors
1) The current experience of the feeling of an emotion (affect) such as pleasure or joy or of a more general sense of emotional condition as a whole ( so the here and now)
2) The appraisal of life satisfaction, such as of quality of life so an overall appreciation of ones life as a whole. Which some say is more importantly people than current experience.
Personally I believe it’s important to have both, and to bear each in mind when making decisions and living life daily.
Do something today that makes you happy.
Personal development involves activities that improve awareness and Identity, develop talents and potential, build human capital and facilitate employability, enhance the quality of life and contribute to the realisation of dreams and aspirations.
What can you do to develop yourself?
Read or watch tutorials about what you want to improve.
Find a mentor.
Reflect at the end of each day.
Create a strong practice regimen.
Find others to push you and train with.
Create a reward system.
Stay honest with yourself.
Find role models you can look up to.
Measure your progress.
Consistency is key!
Why do it?
Personal development is a lifelong process with many benefits such as it:
Increases self awareness.
Improves sense of direction.
Improves focus and effectiveness.
More fulfilling relationships.
Personal development is a much used, much maligned term. It is about taking the time and making the commitment to invest in your greatest recourse. YOU!
You only have 3 choices in life.
Or Give it all you have got.
To get what we want in life we have to work hard and we need to practice patience. Nobody said it would be easy so don’t give up when it gets hard.
Nothing comes easy. It will take time to grow a business. It will take time to develop a relationship. It will take time to raise your child to become a responsible adult.
The moment you are ready to quit, it is usually the moment right before a miracle happens.
I wanted to share this because of the good results I am currently seeing in my personal and professional life. As a result of consistent hard work.
Someone who is consistent always behaves in the same way has the same attitudes towards people or things or achieves the same level of success in something they do.
Don’t give up because of one bad chapter in your life.
Keep Going. Stay Consistent!
Gratitude is the quality of being thankful, a readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
An attitude of gratitude means making it a habit to express thankfulness and appreciation in all parts of your life on a regular basis for both the big and the small things alike.
By practising gratitude regularly you will be living in a state of positivity. And by living this way you will attract more positive things into your life as per the principles of the law of attraction.
We sometimes forget how fortunate we are to live in societies that have all the resources we need available to us easily. We forget there people less fortunate than ourselves.
Take time today to give thanks for all the things you are grateful for. Your life, your health, your children, your job, the roof over your head, food and money.
I also like to give thanks for the bad experiences I have had in my life as well, as they have shaped me into the strong woman I am today.
When you become positive the world is your oyster.
We have more to be grateful for than we know. When you take time out to be grateful and this more positive you will attract more happiness into your life.
Escapism is the tendency to seek distractions and relief from unpleasant realities, especially by seeking entertainment or engaging in fantasy.
It can also be used as a term to define the actions people take to help relieve persistent feelings of depression or general sadness.
In small managed doses with activities that do cause a risk to yourself or others I believe it can be helpful to help recharge one self.
Stay safe but take timeout for yourself regularly to do the things that you enjoy.
It is very important to join the conversation about mental health. Most importantly it’s imperative that we all speak up when our mental health is affected.
Your mental health could be affected by the things people around you do, or by the situ is you are living in.
If people around you are doing or saying things that affect you speak up. If you feel they will understand and try to change their actions, speak directly to them.
However if you don’t feel safe doing so then, speak to a friend, your doctor or a mental health professional who will be able to help you.
As a society we need to change our attitude towards mental health and people with mental health issues. Social services needs to stop demonising parent with mental health issues. Instead they should support them so their children will have better outcomes.
Employers need to look after the mental health of their employees without penalising them.
As friends and family we need to take the time to ask each other how we are feeling and be prepared to help.
We all need to STOP the stigma around mental health because it will save a lot of lives, currently lost because people feel alone and unable to speak up.
The first step to dealing with uncertainty is to accept that we can’t control everything, there is only so much you can do right now that makes you human. Things will unfold soon enough.
Then imagine the best: Being humans we try to spare ourselves disappointment by thinking through how things could go wrong. However research in cognitive behavioural therapy shows that people tend to overestimate the risk and negative consequences that may result from a situation. That leads to a lot of anxiety or worse, sets us up for failure.
When we start something by worrying about how it’s going to turn out it can be a self fulfilling prophecy. What we need to do instead is imagine the best possible scenario. When you do this you will feel more confident about where you are going. In turn you will feel calmer and clearer about where you are now. Which will help with decision making and boost the odds of success.
We also need to reflect and remember that we have faced uncertainty before. The psychological concept of “hindsight bias” says that we tend to create the illusion that everything in our past was certain, when in reality it was once uncertain. Instead take time to think and reflect on what helped us before.
Fear of the unknown can also trigger the fight or flight mechanisms in our bodies which can sometimes paralyse us. Instead remember to keep moving.
Finally see the possibilities because the reality is the future has not yet been written it’s still to play for.
Que Sera Sera. Whatever will be, Will be!!