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Coming Up for Air — Families Speak to Families about Addiction

Coming Up for Air — Families Speak to Families about Addiction

By Allies in Recovery

This podcast series addresses topics relevant to families dealing with a loved one's addiction.

We are sponsored by AlliesinRecovery.net, *the* premier learning platform for friends/families seeking to become an effective Ally for their loved one. We teach a proven method of intervention that encourages treatment.

On AlliesinRecovery.net you'll find eLearning modules, expert hand-tailored guidance, specialized blogs, information on treatment options, and more. Learn about our membership packages on alliesinrecovery.net/
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Setting Boundaries

Coming Up for Air — Families Speak to Families about AddictionApr 29, 2022

00:00
35:33
Interview with Isabel Cooney, Pt. 2

Interview with Isabel Cooney, Pt. 2

In part 1, Isabel discussed intimacy and its role in applying CRAFT in a romantic relationship. In part 2, she discusses how she's handled issues related to kids, CRAFT, and talking to them about substance use disorder.

Mar 22, 202426:23
Interview with Isabel Cooney, Pt. 1 of 2

Interview with Isabel Cooney, Pt. 1 of 2

In the first of two episodes with Isabel Cooney, our hosts discuss Isabel's experience with her former husband, and issues of intimacy -- how does it function as part of the CRAFT framework? Is it, should it be a reward?

Mar 15, 202433:31
Intention vs. Perception

Intention vs. Perception

We intend to be supportive and helpful, and keep our loved ones safe. But our words aren’t always perceived that way. It’s important to become more aware of how we’re coming across, and to gain the tools to soften the message, hear when they feel upset, and shift things so that we can go back into connection. The result is building the relationship so things can come out more clearly, and the person can more readily receive our words if they choose to.

Mar 09, 202423:06
What's a Functional Analysis?

What's a Functional Analysis?

"Functional analysis" means figuring out what's happening -- to your loved one or to you -- in the moments before, during, and after a particular behavior. It might be a challenging or a positive behavior. It's a tool to help you understand the thoughts, emotions, and external factors that go into these moments, and to go from being unconscious and reactive, to conscious, to having choices. It's about trying new things, assessing whether they work and seeing what you weren't aware of before. Once you're aware, other CRAFT tools can help you understand what might happen next, so that you can gain and use the power to influence those moments.

Mar 02, 202447:19
Rupture and Repair

Rupture and Repair

Presume you’ll have moments in a relationship that feel like gigantic rifts, or like uncomfortable separation and disconnect. That’s not a problem, but an opportunity to show that you’re changing and working on your part. Take full responsibility for your part, whether they do or not. Keep doing it over and over, so you become a safe person -- the person who’s there when they decide they’re ready for more help.

Feb 24, 202427:09
Well-Worn Sayings

Well-Worn Sayings

Some things get said a lot. Do they hold truth? Two get examined in this episode: "There's nothing to be done until they hit bottom," and, "To get day two abstinence, you need day one." Both bring our hosts back to the same emphasis: being present in the moment. You're not waiting for a "rock bottom" moment, because it's hard to define and may not be the moment change happens anyway. Your job is to be present, to not make extreme changes or expect extreme results. Slow things down, and look at what’s working right this moment. Don’t assume what will or won’t work, and appreciate the small things so the good can get bigger. Those are the things that can lead day one to become day two.

Feb 17, 202420:54
Consistent Practice vs. "One-Offs"

Consistent Practice vs. "One-Offs"

Don't just use CRAFT now and then, or come and go from the practice. Learn the tools; let them get under your skin. Learn one thing at a time, and take it one day at a time. You don't have control over the big picture, but you do have control over what you're learning, practicing, and taking in. It's okay if it doesn't work immediately. Practice the skills consistently, and change can happen.

Feb 10, 202421:51
Victim Stance: The "Why Me?" Episode

Victim Stance: The "Why Me?" Episode

Does your loved one see things in terms of victimhood, in terms of what's done to them? Do you see your loved one's actions that way? Feeling victimized means you're being passive, having things happen to you. It can feel like things are not fair, like you've been dealt a lousy hand of cards. It's important to shift your perception, focus, and behavior to remember that you have agency and control, that you're responsible for yourself, your actions, and your self-care.

Feb 03, 202430:56
Do They "Have to Want It?"

Do They "Have to Want It?"

Sometimes, people say the person with substance use disorder "has to want" recovery before it will happen. Others even say they must want it more than their family members or allies. In truth, people are often ambivalent; the process is often subtle. It's up to us to provide options, be open to their process, and discover our part, changing our own behavior rather than trying to change theirs.

Jan 27, 202422:35
What Does It Mean to Be an Ally?

What Does It Mean to Be an Ally?

Being an ally for a person with substance use disorder means stepping up beside them. Work with yourself so you can better see the opportunities to be a change agent -- for slow, methodical change. If your role is too large, you need to be just another player, waiting for your chance. Be a good "dance partner."

Jan 20, 202421:35
You Don't Have to Be Perfect

You Don't Have to Be Perfect

How do we move away from expecting perfection from ourselves? Through patience, compassion, and practice. Change is an incremental process. Embrace "beginner's mind," and don't be afraid to fail. Allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them; practice until the tools become automatic.

Jan 13, 202424:14
Building Your CRAFT Muscle

Building Your CRAFT Muscle

To build new muscle, identify what you need to change. Begin with self-awareness, gained through pausing to consider what you want to do differently. Practice in small ways frequently, until it becomes habit. This self-awareness leads to self-care – accidentally/on purpose. Taking care of yourself changes who and how you are, but also changes your relationship with your loved one. In true CRAFT style, the hope is that by changing yourself, you positively change the relationship, allowing your loved one new possibilities to change their own habits. They have to change if you’re doing something differently, if you’re not going to be a receptor site for the old way of doing things.

Jan 06, 202426:43
What Do You Do When You've Hit the Wall?

What Do You Do When You've Hit the Wall?

When you're beyond the fatigue of burnout, you're hitting the wall. Stressors have accumulated, and your emotions feel unmanageable. Step back. Claim your emotions, but state them briefly, making it clear you're going to go take care of yourself. Ask yourself how bad things are, and how much help you need. Allow yourself the compassion and patience to take a break.

Dec 30, 202323:08
When a Relationship Feels One-Directional

When a Relationship Feels One-Directional

Do things feel one-way in your relationship to your loved one? Reframe it. You're taking your power back -- not to change them, but to change yourself, to grow and learn. If you're bringing your best self to the relationship, you'll inevitably change the dynamic, helping the other person heal.

Dec 23, 202327:11
Handling the Call Saying Treatment Is Terrible

Handling the Call Saying Treatment Is Terrible

Your loved one goes to treatment, and often a call follows -- a call saying the place is terrible, or the people aren't good, or for some other reason they want to come home. Your job? Hold the line. Don't be part of that conversation; don't be part of an exit plan, even if they can leave on their own. Let them be uncomfortable. Give them the message that they can handle it, and can get something good from the situation if they stick with it.

Dec 16, 202329:23
What Do You Want, and What Do You Need?

What Do You Want, and What Do You Need?

When you're dealing with difficult circumstances and the actions of others, it's important to shift focus from external to internal, to pause and check in with yourself and ask yourself what you need and want. Take your power back. We believe that taking care of yourself in this way has a positive impact on the other person. It's a demonstration of boundaries and self-care.

Dec 09, 202323:53
Trust, Hope, and Expectation

Trust, Hope, and Expectation

When it comes to hope, trust, and expectation, what's our part, and what's the part of others? Hope is ours. It's internal, doesn't damage anyone, and is loose, open, and a way to stay positive. It's also ours to accept -- to say this is how things are and soothe ourselves. What not ours? Trust. It's the other person's job to become trustworthy for themselves. Expectations, too, are theirs -- if we impose expectations on others, we set up failure.

Dec 02, 202328:11
The Season of Expectations

The Season of Expectations

Having expectations for others can be a difficult trap. When we have ideas about how things should go, we often try to manifest those expectations and have other people do what we want them to do. Instead, learn to manage your nervous system, to calm yourself and have tools to make requests of others. Be careful not to superimpose your expectations on others -- it might not be what they want, need, or are able to do. That needs to be okay. Learn to give people room to create their own expectations for themselves.

Nov 18, 202340:21
Interview with Alex Ribbentrop

Interview with Alex Ribbentrop

Alex Ribbentrop joins the Allies in Recovery hosts to discuss intergenerational trauma, substance use, the importance of family, and finding connection. Alex is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Qualified Supervisor, EMDR Trained Clinician, and Certified Family Trauma Professional, practicing in Virginia, Maryland, and Florida.

Nov 11, 202350:13
Filling the Gap

Filling the Gap

How do you handle that difficult time when your loved one comes home from treatment, and is back in an old environment, complete with old triggers? It can be a time of depression and anxiety. Think about reconnection -- being present and engaged, making things fun when you can, and using the CRAFT communication tools to leave doors open.

Nov 03, 202337:34
What Is Enmeshment?

What Is Enmeshment?

Enmeshment is a blurring of the boundaries between people. How the other person feels affects you intensely. Enmeshment is one-way -- your thoughts, feelings, and choices are about the other person's well-being. Countering enmeshment means checking in with ourselves, calming our systems down, taking pauses, and allowing the other person the dignity of their own process. You can learn to listen and make reasonable requests and develop a healthier kind of connection.

Oct 27, 202334:35
Do You Have a Plan and a Backup Plan?

Do You Have a Plan and a Backup Plan?

What questions should you ask, and what plans should you make if your loved one is coming home? Dominique and Kayla discuss a family's question about a new living situation.

Oct 20, 202327:15
How Do You Handle Anger?

How Do You Handle Anger?

What’s the impact of emotions on how we interact with loved ones? Learn to acknowledge, claim, and identify your emotions. Don’t discuss anything when you’re reactive. Instead, pause, check in with your feelings, and don’t take things personally. Have a strategy that’s not confrontational or accusing, but engaging. Calm your system, and engage in a way that you can feel good about. Hopefully this will reverberate with your loved one and create change over time.

Oct 13, 202325:51
Ah-Ha Moments

Ah-Ha Moments

When the noise dissipates and there's clarity, that's an "ah-ha moment." You can move forward in a different way. You might even find new commitment to a way of thinking or behaving that you didn't have access to before. Allies in Recovery uses CRAFT to give you the tool set for your own ah-ha moments, but also to help create the conditions for your loved one to find their own moments and possibilities for long-term change.

Oct 06, 202326:33
What Are the Three Questions?

What Are the Three Questions?

When you’re in the middle of crisis, feeling reactive or uncertain about what to do, use the “three questions” to helps create space and time and take the best action. What am I feeling? What can I do about it (think as broadly as possible)? What am I actually gonna do? Kayla likes to consider a fourth: What’s happening that’s making me feel this way?

Sep 29, 202336:09
The Storm Before the Calm

The Storm Before the Calm

Just before change happens with your loved one, things often get chaotic. Know that it's small, consistent differences over time that create such change. Learn to avoid reactivity and embrace gentle, subtle change -- starting with yourself.

Sep 22, 202331:07
Treat the Family, Improve the Outcome

Treat the Family, Improve the Outcome

We're all interconnected. The most effective way to help someone with substance use disorder is helping their family. Work on yourself and your communication as a family member, and the odds of your loved one seeking help increase dramatically. Get informed, and learn the tools -- become a transformation agent.

Sep 15, 202323:25
Treatment and Recovery: the Allies View

Treatment and Recovery: the Allies View

Treatment and recovery are not black-and-white ideas. With CRAFT, it's a matter of progress, not perfection. We want our loved ones to heal, to get their lives back. But change happens over time, and there are many ways to get there. Notice what's good, and work on the relationship. Treatment is how you engage them and help them learn what they like and enjoy it again. Be part of the joy, not a source of negativity. Be ready for when they're ready for new options.

Sep 08, 202329:30
Homelessness: A Complicated Problem

Homelessness: A Complicated Problem

It's important to use the AIR community and local and state organizations to help you find housing resources and be a knowledgeable advocate. Offer those resources without pressure, for when your loved one chooses to take them, but also know: having a loved one without a home is one of the most difficult and triggering experiences you may face.

Sep 01, 202326:33
What Allies in Recovery Adds to CRAFT

What Allies in Recovery Adds to CRAFT

AIR is an applied version of the original CRAFT research. It focuses on the family as the center of a system which also includes the AIR community, and as integral to the healing of the person with substance use disorder. You get help any time, online and in groups. AIR also focuses on cultural competency, helping you individualize the methods in a way that works for your family. CRAFT is a way of thinking and gaining openness, safety, and connection -- and you can make it your own.

Aug 25, 202323:56
Does CRAFT Work for Couples, Too?

Does CRAFT Work for Couples, Too?

Though CRAFT is often used in parent-child or other relationships, its powerful tools work extremely well for couples, too. Learn how and why that's true.

Aug 18, 202323:51
Should I Stop CRAFT If Treatment Begins?

Should I Stop CRAFT If Treatment Begins?

The goal of CRAFT may be getting your loved one into treatment, but no matter the possible success of treatment, CRAFT tools and communication skills are a life-long practice and process of learning about yourself and your reactions, and becoming part of your loved one's treatment. There's always more to learn.

Aug 11, 202330:33
Interview with Kathleen Cochran

Interview with Kathleen Cochran

Kathleen Cochran is a founder of Heart of a Warrior Woman and Facebook group Moms for All Paths to Recovery (MAP), places for mothers of children struggling with substance use disorder. Cochran practices harm reduction and supports individualized paths to recovery. Hear more about her story.

Aug 04, 202348:58
What If I Only Get 15 Minutes?

What If I Only Get 15 Minutes?

A listener writes in to ask what to do when there's only 15 minutes a day to talk to a loved one. How do you use that limited time? If they're using, you have to focus on the brief moments when you find they aren't, and be very specific in your requests so that they're do-able. If they aren't using, be patient, invite them to do things in a low-stakes way, and don't push conversation beyond the immediate.

Jul 28, 202322:36
Using CRAFT When Others Aren’t

Using CRAFT When Others Aren’t

Working with people who aren’t yet on-board with CRAFT? Learn the tools, and engage with the site, the podcast, and the groups. Put it into practice, even if you’re doing so alone. Look for chances to show the material to someone who’s reluctant – teaching the tools will mean you learn more thoroughly yourself. There are two big benefits to solo action. Primarily, your loved one might get into treatment. But regardless, you’ll feel more connected to them. If you use these tools with everyone, it will lead to more connection there, too. Your work will pay off.

Jul 21, 202323:39
How Do I Know When They're Using?

How Do I Know When They're Using?

Our hosts examine two questions raised by last week's "functional analysis" episode: how do I know when my loved one is using? And what if they're using all the time? It's behaviors that matter more than whether you're exactly right -- learn to practice close observation, step forward when it feels good and they're doing well, and step back when something feels bad or off. It's a learning process, so don't expect to be perfect immediately.

Jul 14, 202322:35
How Do I Use "Functional Analysis?"

How Do I Use "Functional Analysis?"

The “functional analysis” of Module 3 is a powerful tool that helps you examine what happens around times of use, and move from reacting unconsciously to gaining a fuller understanding that allows for concious choices. So stop, take the time to go through this process, and think about incremental shifts. And it’s important to do it again later, when there’s been time for behavior to change over time.

Jul 07, 202326:39
Interview with Brian Serna

Interview with Brian Serna

Behavioral health trainer and consultant in Evidence Based Practices, Cultural Considerations, and Ethical Issues Brian Serna has taken CRAFT's practical applications quite far. He visits the Coming Up for AIR team to discuss his work with families and others in New Mexico, as well as his advocacy work to change how CRAFT receives funding. Serna focuses on making CRAFT an everyday practice, and how working on yourself can help your loved one's trajectory change over time.


Jun 30, 202331:02
Safety: Why It Comes First for CRAFT

Safety: Why It Comes First for CRAFT

For CRAFT to work, you have to be physically safe. Here's how you prepare yourself. Avoid denial; have an exit plan; learn to see red flags and de-escalate. Don't skip Allies' Module 2 -- it's essential.

Jun 23, 202334:13
OARS: Don't Get Caught Downstream!

OARS: Don't Get Caught Downstream!

Try OARS to help you communicate. Kayla and Laurie discuss the three Os (offering to help, open-ended questions, owning your own part), plus A (affirmation), R (reflective listening), and S (sandwiching).

Jun 16, 202325:51
How Do I Set Boundaries without Making My Loved One Angry?

How Do I Set Boundaries without Making My Loved One Angry?

How do you hold tough conversations? Be careful with your timing; have a plan; stay calm. CRAFT can help you learn the signs of your loved one being receptive, and give you the skills to communicate effectively in less-than-ideal circumstances. Kayla and Laurie offer the details.

Jun 09, 202321:35
What Are the Challenges of Reflective Listening?

What Are the Challenges of Reflective Listening?

Reflective listening involves two simultaneous mindsets -- you're listening, and at the same time reflecting whatever your loved one says. Our hosts weigh in on good strategies for dealing with the difficulty of inhabiting those simultaneous mindsets, including curiosity, interest, and separation.

Jun 02, 202327:30
So What's PIUS?

So What's PIUS?

PIUS is an acronym to help you communicate in tough moments. It stands for "positive statements," "I statements," "understanding statements," and "short, specific statements." Our hosts talk about what all that means and how you can implement it.

May 26, 202323:28
An Interview with Christina Dent

An Interview with Christina Dent

Christina Dent, founder of drug policy advocacy nonprofit End It For Good, discusses her voyage as a foster mom who'd never seen addiction up-close. The experiences she gained through fostering led her to dramatically rethink her stance on drugs and the criminal justice system.

May 19, 202344:28
Triggers: What Are They, and How Do You Handle Them?

Triggers: What Are They, and How Do You Handle Them?

Triggers – when something pulls you back into your past, into old physiological reactions and emotions – happen to all of us. Becoming resilient means not avoiding them or pushing them aside, but digging in to repair yourself. If you’re not wounding others, you stop the cycle of wounding and become a healer of yourself and others in an indirect way, through connection and care.

May 12, 202324:03
How Do You Get Past Accumulated Trauma?

How Do You Get Past Accumulated Trauma?

How do accumulated negative feelings and trauma impact you and your relationship with your loved one? How do you get past them, to a better place? In part, it's about breaking the contract of the usual interactions and cycles -- learn to step back, re-assess, and let our loved ones handle things without so much of our intervening. Kayla and Dominique discuss how that can be done.

May 05, 202323:04
Reflective Listening, Intentional Dialogue, and Improving Communication: Episode 69

Reflective Listening, Intentional Dialogue, and Improving Communication: Episode 69

Ever felt baffled or enraged by communicating with a loved one? Check out this popular episode from 2021, hosted by Isabel Cooney, Laurie MacDougall, and Kayla Solomon. What is "reflective listening?" How does it work? What are the benefits for you, and the person you're listening to? And why does Kayla believe in it so much that she'd use it if someone were pointing a gun at her?


Apr 29, 202301:04:48
What's Burnout, and How Do You Handle It?

What's Burnout, and How Do You Handle It?

Burnout happens when you've got nothing left in the tank. When you're the superhero "yes person," it can happen easily, bringing fatigue and anxiety. When it does, you have one job: take a real, significant break to refill your tank in whatever way works best for you. Start by saying no, giving yourself room to rest.

Apr 21, 202321:26
What Is Chronic Disappointment, and How Do You Avoid It?

What Is Chronic Disappointment, and How Do You Avoid It?

When you have expectations about someone else’s behavior, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. If you’re focused on yourself, you get to avoid that disappointment – you get to have agency, think about what your values are and who you want to be, then act accordingly. How do you engage with your loved one and have a more positive relationship, one in which they feel you’re someone to trust? When you work on having good boundaries and not overstepping them, the outcome can be beautiful for the other person. Even small manifestations of positive movement in the relationship are worth celebrating.

Apr 14, 202326:48
Did My Comment Make Him Drink?

Did My Comment Make Him Drink?

A listener asks if her comment, meant to be positive, made her loved one drink. It’s dangerous to refer to someone’s status of using or not. Even if you’re trying to acknowledge them in a positive way, you can’t know what they’re thinking or feeling, and what might make them feel acknowledged or send them into feeling bad. How do you limit your talk to yourself in these circumstances? Focus on what you know – “I’m doing well; I’m feeling connected; I’m working on myself.” This avoids linking your happiness to their actions.

Apr 07, 202323:57