Tired of social distancing? Wishing we could be in your house with you watching a movie and making snarky comments? Then do we have an episode for you.
This is our commentary track to be synced up with the Disney+ version of Artemis Fowl.
So here's what you do. Get this somewhere you can listen to it out loud. Then, find Artemis Fowl on Disney+ and pause it a the exact beginning. When you hear the countdown and then the glasses clink, start the movie and we should be synced up.
But the bad new is, now you've started Artemis Fowl and you're going to have to watch it with us. Sorry.
The movie that spawned 2 sequels, a TV series, a licensable high school musical about this high school musical and a TV show where they watch people do the high school musical version of high school musical and then the final layer, the movie of the high school kids from the tv show doing the musical based on this movie.
Also Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Effron are in this.
For what is hopefully, but not probably, the last entry in the Toy Story saga we take a look at the transcendental terror of existence, dabble in the body horror genre, and deconstruct the waning status of monogamy in the 21st century.
You know, for kids.
WARNING: THIS EPISODE MAY CONTAIN SPOILER REGARDING THE EXISTENCE OR POSSIBLE NON-EXISTENCE OF SANTA CLAUSE.
Now that is out of the way, we watch a sappy seasonal movie about recapturing the true meaning of Christmas in 1986.
The greatest movie of our time?
The greatest performance by Eddy Murphy in a children's movie?
Also, probably no.
Mike Myers' best work?
But it's Shrek and it kept Smashmouth on the radio for longer than any of us could have ever expected.
No, you didn't miss an episode. Our kids just didn't want to watch Descendants 2. So we watch this one instead. We'd like to think seeing the second part would make the third part make more sense but, honestly, we don't know how that would be possible.
In a world where all the Disney films apparently happened at once, and where Beast has united the kingdoms under his iron rule...
Would have been a much better intro. Instead, we get a high school musical with the Disney villains' kids and way too much eyeliner.
Remember, you can never be anything besides what you were born to be so just make the most of your freakishness and hopefully you can help some of the other freaks you meet along the way.
Or possibly something more encouraging. Honestly, I don't even know how to spin this one.
Eddy Murphy makes kids movies. This one thing you must remember or nothing that follows will make any sense.
Approaching Pluto Nash levels of bad writing, acting, directing and special effects, we submit that this is not something he should be proud of.
When their owners are away, pets will get into a series of unbelievable exploits but still somehow make it back home through a locked apartment in time for their owners' return.
But, somehow, it's not terrible.
THIS EPISODE CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR MOVIES CURRENTLY IN THEATERS.
Lisa and Adam blow through the entire MCU up to Endgame in a single episode. Spoilers abound, but so does confusion.
Also, Adam is wrong, Howard stark is in Captain America: The First Avenger. And he's probably wrong about other things, too.
Snake Pliskin does Santa Clause. Not the weirdest casting for the jolly old elf, but not a great movie, either.
1 oz. Raspberry Vodka
1 oz. St. Germain
1 oz. Cranberry juice
1/2 oz. Lemon juice
1/2 oz. Simple syrup
Add all ingredients to a shaker full of ice. Shake, strain into Wonder Woman tumbler*
*Wonder Woman tumbler optional.
The timeless tale of why your town probably shouldn't get a significant portion of its identity from that time you all freaked out because a four year old told you the sky was falling. Also, there are aliens.
The exciting conclusion to the immortal Hotel Transylvania trilogy. Wait, who are we kidding? They're going to make more and more of theses until they lose all meaning and outnumber the Land Before Time movies.
Our first episode, recorded on a dare. One of us gets a little drinky while we try to remember what happened in the movie we literally just watched. This time it's the sequel to the sequel to the Squeakquel. Because no one should have to watch these movies sober.