Everything's Great, Nothing Is Wrong

Despite the best laid schemes of Crickets and Men, the podcast's direction was never in their control at all. The True Villain reveals all in a full confessional of misguided and frustrated arrogance. This is (likely) the end.

We didn't get there.

Topics include: Subterfuge, Vanity, Incompletion, Regret, Nostalgia, and, Most Importantly, Guns.

It's been teased, incessantly, for the duration of the show. It's a strange choice for semi-finale. It's not fit for human ears. It's the Lost Episode at long last, left unedited to preserve its integrity and temporal veracity!

Compare and contrast our former lethargic tones and lack of repartee! Doze in awe at Jeff's flattened, low energy affect! Marvel in wonderment at Cricket's henceforth-absent encyclopedic knowledge! Why and how did this all change? Only the podcast itself knows.

Plus, in a bizarre bout of synchronicity, Jeff's past self corrects his future self's inaccuracies about the Bahá'í calendar.

We rank the religions.

Topics include: The Adventure of the Spiteful Author, DNA Hoarding, Post-Religious Ethical Codes, and Guns.

A glorious reunion awaits! Wasting no time at all in the realm of reconnection, your classic hosts try to expand holiday songs' outreach to be less seasonal. Cricket's taken a page from Jeff's book of tricks to infiltrate another podcast, and a tragic revelation might just change the future of the podcast forever. Also, the Farmer is just kind of hanging around. Feel free to ignore him.

I am we again, and we're back on our bopskip.

Topics include: Castcount: 2, Fucktunes, Pokémon Stop: The Best Career Choice, and Guns.

The Farmer discusses the merits of Viking Cruises. Cricket complains about having to do work.

We witness a death by suicide by hanging.

Topics include: Hangman, Carpe Rapem, The Gong Show, Time, and Guns.

What's the best way to steal, and which race steals the most? This week's cashier tells all, from whole cloth. It's the podcast, as usual, in the normal way! Nothing strange here!

I do find another co-host, though.

Topics include: Pilferage Pointers, Retail There-a-pee, and Guns.

Jeff seizes control again, out of fear and necessity, to go back to the podcast at hand: recording conversations in secret. Although discourse is a bit tricky to maintain by oneself, he nevertheless tries to ask: What kinds of photographs won't camera stores print, and why are the Dutch so danged cocky?

We are just me now, I guess.

Topics include: Darkroom Secrets, Pornography, The Netherlands, and Guns.

«Transmission Received»

This is a placeholder episode, again, in which the Farmer talks in his sleep.

«End Transmission»

Jeff has abandoned Cricket and The Farmer, leaving them to their own devices. The Farmer’s experiment has a twenty-percent success rate. A long lost listener contributes one of the most def poems yet. The Farmer provides insights into why Jeff left, and why Cricket is so antagonistic toward him.

We realize too late that we had to find our own segue sound effects.

Topics include: Punk Rock Covers, Pant Length, Racism, Speciesism, The Gong Show, and Guns.

«Transmission Received»

This is a placeholder episode, in case Jeff's absence made the art no longer.

«End Transmission»

Jeff tries to get into the mindset of our mysterious emailer by infiltrating another podcast, before the all-too-comfortable Farmer teams up with Cricket to throw wild accusations back at him! Our very own humble host, The Jeff himself, indicted; can you believe it? There is mutiny afoot!

We part ways.

Topics include: Castcount: 1, Agent 82 vs M.O., The Trial of Jeffrey Carsonberg, and Guns.

Cricket is becoming dissatisfied with the podcast, so she brings another guest to help liven things up. But as with Warrior Squirrel, she turns antagonistic (though seemingly less drunk). Jeff reads the underwhelming results of a survey he conducted for "The Worst Thing [People]'ve Ever Done."

We do things a bit backwards!

Topics include: Birdwatching, Orthopteran Abecedarium: Eagli[s]m, Petty Panty Theft, The Opposite of Cover, and Guns.

Picking right back up where we left off, Doctor Berg displays a surprising knowledge of the age-old discipline known as Train Sex to a shocked Sir Topham, for some reason. Sodorian Newspapers are suspiciously vague and the whole internal logic of the world can barely hold itself together. (It's another rough one. Feel free to skip this section. Feel free to skip this whole podcast?)

We raise our eyebrows, commodorely.

Topics include: Atlas Chugged: Edge of Destiny Chapter 7 Part 2, and Guns.

At the onset of some truly troubling news, we revert to Forever Now and Other Train Sex Tales! The Good Doctors, Carson and Berg, explain to Sir Topham their scientific take on Train Love. You'll never guess which vital organs Sentient Trains lack!

We dive even deeper into increasingly disquieting train anatomy.

Topics include: Atlas Chugged: Edge of Destiny Chapter 7 Part 1, and Guns.

In the finale of our Grasshopper Trilogy, the narrator begins to reveal himself as unreliable, but we're far too wise to fall for that ruse. Has violence been the solution to homophobia this whole time? Also, a classic question of hospital ethics comes straight from our suspicious inbox.

We hit on our listener's mom.

Topics include: Gay Grasshopper Part 3, Listener Email: Tackle Triage, and Guns.

Cricket's caucus companion continues their tale of homegrown homophobia with Oscar-worthy dramatic flair. Burps are counted, but don't fear: they're just remnants of a bygone era. The numbness starts to go away.

We skip and scream and bop shoo bop it.

Topics include: Gay Grasshopper Part 2, 1990s Toys Conflation, and Guns.

Cricket's burping has gotten quantifiably out of control, so Jeff stages an intervention/celebration. Following only the strictest podcast etiquette, this entire episode is devoted to satisfying our base impulses, like eating right into the microphone.

We can stop finally counting!

Topics include: BurpCount: Complete!, Fart Yoga, Rectal Prolapse, and Guns.

From the caucus recordings of Cricket comes a tale of growing up in the Deep South, where even the most cheerful homosexuality is seen as an affront to the status quo. An obtuse Jeff tries his best to decipher this outré American dialect.

We reach a milestone.

Topics include: Gay Grasshopper Part 1, BurpCount: 100!, and Guns.

In a postcoital bliss, Thomas the Tank Engine begins his intellectual awakening – to his own detriment.

We find the concept of hands to be incredibly useful, but (at the moment) also find ourselves without.

Topics include: Atlas Chugged: Edge of Destiny Chapter 6, and Guns.

With the nature of their reality in flux, Jeff and Cricket read the abstract of an epistle sent to them confronting their liberal use of the nonlinear in this very podcast. Also, a listener repurposes making change from a tip jar with their church's offering plate.

We comply with chronology.

Topics include: BurpCount: 96, Wrought Log vs. Hot Dog, Operation Clockwise, Listener Email: Glehd Tithings, and Guns.

Welcome back, listeners! After the fiasco of the Time Dome, Cricket reveals how she survived, while Jeff unveils a document that threatens the very fabric of the podcast's quasi-temporal history. Put away your pylophones and shove that yogurt back up there; everything you thought you knew about The Grizzly-Tyler War is about to change!

We reunite!

Topics include: BurpCount: 95, Malaria as a Crutch, Orthopteran Abecedarium: Ethical [I]nquiry Part 3, Listener Email: Oi Oi Oi, and Guns.

«Transmission Received»

In the recent past, Jeff escaped the Time Dome. Thank you for your cooperation.

«End Transmission»

«Transmission Received»

In the recent past, with the Grizzly-Tyler War unceasing, Jeff finds himself trapped, in a room of sorts, in need of escape. Can you help Jeff discover a way out of the time dome, simultaneously filling the gap in our canon? And if not, can Jeff even help himself?

«End Transmission»

«Transmission Received»

In the recent past, with the Grizzly-Tyler War unceasing, Jeff finds himself trapped, in a room of sorts, in need of escape. Can you help Jeff discover a way out of the time dome, simultaneously filling the gap in our canon? And if not, can Jeff even help himself?

«End Transmission»

«Transmission Received»

In the recent past, with the Grizzly-Tyler War unceasing, Jeff finds himself trapped, in a room of sorts, in need of escape. Can you help Jeff discover a way out of the time dome, simultaneously filling the gap in our canon? And if not, can Jeff even help himself?

«End Transmission»

Jeff tries to reign things in after whatever that last episode was and poses one simple question: is it unethical to flaunt the severed head you found in front of coworkers to make them jealous? Another listener tells us the worst thing they've ever done. Cricket makes a lot of references that go over my head, as usual.

We get back to basics, albeit briefly.

Topics include: BurpCount: 90, Severed Envy, YouTubiquity, Listener Email: Philandering Phaux Pas, and Guns.

If this is your first time here, please do not start from this episode. I cut out so much to make it remotely coherent, excising full straight minutes of drunken moaning. The following audio is chronological, if you can believe it. Can you?

Yes, and, you can. In this episode, Jeff learns improv. Dr. Carson finally reveals his secretive dark past, and Cricket lets slip the solitary reason for their friendship. Also, a squirrel laments television fatigue.

We forge a new podcast genre?

Topics include: BurpCount: 84, The School of Wait What, Nine Thirteen, D.O.S. [sic], Erasier, and Guns.

Causality has become all sorts of confusing, especially for Jeff, who was just thrust into this with no more warning than you are about to get. Tensions rise as Cricket's true feelings begin to surface. Promotions are dished out and immediately rescinded while the war rages on, and off, and on again?

We meet another survivor.

Topics include: BurpCount: 67, Esoteric Stoicism, Frankfurter Nostalgia, Listener Email: Poisoning Popcorn, Skewed Geocentrism, and Guns.

It's basically our first anniversary, and as a justification, Jeff speaks candidly in a rare bout of sincerity, while Cricket explicates on the material process of the podcast's creation. This episode also serves as an ominous warning for the chaos to come.

We apologize preemptively.

Topics include: BurpCount: 61, Avian Dining, Listener Email: Metagaming, The Flintstones, and Guns.

Starved for stimuli in the safe house, Jeff has gone so mad he attempts to play a visual card game over radio waves while Cricket determines which kind of graffiti is the most ethical. Should we leave this wretched refuge and come up for air? What awaits us above? The author of these descriptions has always been aggravatingly inconsistent, to the detriment of clarity.

We act now, think later, or we will die.

Topics include: BurpCount: 60, Listener Email: The Writing on the Wall, Judge Roy Snyder 16:30, The Scavenger Hunt Murder Heist, and Guns.

It sounds like the war is upon us, and while the numerous incoming threats may simply be platitudes, it's too dangerous to entertain such wishful thinking. In a hideout underground, Cricket delves into the etymology of German gaming and Jeff tries to gain tactical advantage, though his already-shaky allegiance seems to waver.

We give our listeners a (potential) gift.

Topics include: BurpCount: 58, Geburtstagswünsche, Bribery, Listener Email: Pandemonium, and Guns.

Back at the Fan-fiction Train Hospital, Thomas the Tank Engine is on the verge of death, his girlfriend Ashima worries endlessly, tediously, and Dr. Carson is nowhere to be seen. It's a bit of a slog, if I'm honest.

We keep getting really hung up on train anatomy.

Topics include: BurpCount: 56, Atlas Chugged: Edge of Destiny P̶a̶r̶t̶ 4̶ Chapter 5, and Guns.

A joyride through the sky turns into a somber affair. But more urgently, Cricket and Jeff have uncovered the rallying cry of a coming war that threatens the already shaky peace of these modern times. Our pleas fall on deaf ears.

We go into hiding.

Topics include: Puddle Jumper Pilfering, Orthopteran Abecedarium: Ethi[c]al Inquiry Part 2, Listener Email: Animal Farm, and Guns.

Cricket insists on using a knife a little too frequently, and "by accident" opens mail meant for someone else. The pupa becomes the teacher, and Jeff begins to teach the English alphabet in a new segment. It's letters of all kinds today, as finally, a frightening new development worms its way to the front lines of our "fan"base.

We actually, like for real, like, I thought this was all a ploy but here we are, learn about Ethical Inquiry.

Topics include: BurpCount: 48, Reading Other People's Mail, Illegal Immigration, Orthopteran Abecedarium: [O]ught/Should Dagger, Kinky Breastfeeding, Listener Email: Tyler's Worst Thing, and Guns.

What's the worst thing Grizzly Wolf's ever done? A listener ribaldry develops. Cricket's burping has gotten absolutely out of hand.

We discover the morphology of SlothCat's wife.

Topics include: BurpCount: 47, Listener Email: Grizzly Wolf's Worst Thing, O'Clam's Laser, The Artist Formerly Known as Jeff, and Guns.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to honor the memory of one of our two listeners, Grizzly Wolf. That was her birth name. Most knew her simply as Grizz. We invite you to share any and all stories of your time together, as we try to unite our grief and make a difficult situation bearable.

We pay respects.

Topics include: Oh Grizzly Girl, The Burps Are Counting, from Glen to Guns.

It's time for many orders of business, such as the future/past of Atlas Chugged and new listener emails. Cricket has become quite the thief, from the tangible to the more ethereal. That's all ethical, right? That's what's the show is about, we've heard. Jeff doesn't understand how crimes can change while traveling between state lines; he doesn't understand the States in general.

We regretfully address the Anniburpsery.

Topics include: Tavern Theft, Atlas Chugged: Failsafe, BurpCount: 38, Listener Email: Maleman, Backsight 2020, and Guns.

An avenue for Jeff is cut off and requires new improvisation, while it only just dawns on him that he's been playing exclusively children's games with an internet stranger. The return to the Craigslist Board Gamer takes an inward-facing eye as Cricket observes a lingua franca phenomenon.

We're interesting.

Topics include: Spectrum Stratego: The Curious Incident of the Pig in the Night-Time, SESTA, BurpCount: 2̶3̶ o̶r̶ 2̶4̶ 28, and Guns.

From the whole-bird-in-egg to simple cheese maggots, today's topic is a mouthful: would you eat human testicles and other "exotic" foods? Why can food be illegal? What is the most ethical meat? Cricket tries to pull a fast one on me, but my morals are steadfast as ever.

We get hung up on the the Golden State Killings again.

Topics include: BurpCount: 22, Autosarcophagy, Human Barbecue Meat-ups, Who Murders the Murdermen?, and Guns.

Jeff doxxes himself in light of a wet new lead, while Cricket brings up the case for DNA evidence in a delayed, redundant, and dissonant discussion of the California Murder Man. Is the Perfect Crime its own reward?

We will no longer agree after this, it seems.

Topics include: BurpCount: 1̶8̶ 1̶7̶ 19, Cricket's Paper Drying Tips, Statutes of Limitations, The Mormon DNA Machine, A Truck Mechanic's Noble Duty, and Guns.

Sex with animals: is it any fun? Also, is it ethical? The truth about The Great Dolphin Rape Myth is uncovered in this (at least internally) divisive episode. Jeff uncloaks a new segment called the Cricket List, to marginally-expected results. Cricket's health problems have moved to their throat, but maybe you already knew that.

We have our first stalemate.

Topics include: The Pokémon Stop: Sanitarium, Cannibalism, Forced Copulation, and Guns.

Audio problems come once again to fruition, as our headphones and microphones suffer the specter in the apparatus. It's really unfortunate timing, too, because though Jeff Ekseterah becomes a phantom, he has a new story to tell of late night board gaming with a Craigslist stranger. Cricket continues to have lost her mind. This episode is a haunted disaster.

We're so sorry.

Topics include: Spectrum Stratego: Introduction, BurpCount: 18, and Guns.

Swapping places, Jeff tries to adapt to the ignorant-of-soundbite life, while we hear the Nestbeards' woes and whims. Cricket decides to read a bunch of fables for some reason. Plus: The origins of Jeff and Cricket's friendship, revealed! And, potentially, the future of it?

We invite you to roleplay with us.

Topics include: Nestbeards: Part 2, The Pillow Princess Paradox, BurpCount: 16, Aesop as an Adjective, and Guns.

Wined up and raring to go, Cricket lulls us to sleep with a brief premise of infiltrating the Mother Hive, before promptly vanishing. The listeners are now in full control of where this story heads. This means you! Make your mark. Cast your vote.

We leave it entirely up to you.

Topics include: Nestbeards: Introduction, 131 Servings of Roasted Seaweed Snack, BurpCount: 14, Anestasia, and Guns.

Dr. Carson has been found.

We journey to the Rook and Whistle.

Topics include: Carson Is Missing: Finale, BurpCount: N/A, and Guns.

Dr. Carson is still missing.

We keep reading.

Topics include: Carson Is Missing: Entry 2, and Guns.

Dr. Carson has gone missing.

We read his journal.

Topics include: Carson Is Missing: Entry 1, and Guns.

In a continuing advocacy for Robot Rights, the discussion turns to a drone trespasser. What locations are appropriate for drones to be, and how much pizza should they be mandated to carry? Cricket hatches a plan to weaponize faeces, and Jeff, not in this episode, only here in this text, wonders: should Area 51 have been called Volume 51?

Perfect Storm Ethics makes its return with the Hawthorne effect. Between Cricket's mic and Jeff's headphones, this is just the beginning of our audio problems (including the brief reappearance of the loud horse, before the horse was removed). Time is unifying, slowly.

We keep saying "droid" for some reason.

Topics include: Steroid-Induced B and/or E, Where Not To Scatter Ashes, The Panopticon, Congenital Toxoplasmosis, and Guns.

Join Cricket on a 40-minute reenactment of a harrowing 18-minute flight, an airline adventure with an aspiring actress! Do flight attendants have a duty to try to save their passengers? In a less distressing sidebar, scones get what's coming to them, while Jeff addresses the future of Atlas Chugged.

We sell out.

Topics include: The Cricket Revolution of 1819, A Great Short Film Idea, Cat Litter Smoothies, Instead of Lettuce, and Guns.