Ficta Inferno
By Maya Baker
Dramatic readings of terrible fanfictions/fiction from the internet
Ficta InfernoApr 17, 2022
00:00
01:22:31
Twilight: Episode 8 (ravioli ravioli tell me more about yourself)
Bella, Jess, and Angela finally make it to Port Angeles. Bella does not believe in the buddy system and almost gets a true crime documentary made about her, and then Edward saves her before taking her out to dinner. No woman can take their eyes off of Edward I guess?
Feb 05, 202301:50:57
Twilight: Chapter Seven (All blonds are evil I guess?)
Bella thinks Edward is going to stand her up for their Seattle trip, Angela and Rebecca (insert generic girl name here) invite Bella to help with dress shopping. We’re still surprised Charlie hasn’t asked his own daughter to the dance since EVERYONE ELSE HAS.
Jan 22, 202301:03:42
Twilight: Episode Six(Boy throw rock. Rock impressive)
We’ve arrived at La Push, unraveling more of the sexism in Meyer’s work as well as hoping Bella actually does fall into the ocean (she does not). Hey Jacob, where ya been loca?!
Jan 15, 202301:15:45
Twilight: Episode Five (Germlin Bella would have been a far more interesting Bella)
We’re back in school and everything is super confusing, especially with a certain someone suddenly deciding to be friends with Bella. That and a few forgotten moments come back, genuinely it’s funny.
Dec 18, 202201:19:35
Twilight Episode Four (three dudes, one dance. Who will she choose? No one.)
How do we forget that three people asked Bella to a dance in one day, a dance where she’s supposed to ask someone? That and Edward is a pretty shit.
Dec 11, 202201:57:09
Mine: Michael Myers x Reader (Solo Maya Episode!)
With the pretense of horror and suddenly having an X Reader with the longest-running Boogeyman in the horror world, it's a strange mix of bad writing, an exciting concept, and then a wish for things to be told from the perspective of the man behind the mask himself. It's not bad, not really- it just needs to be polished up a little bit. Hopefully, Maya can deliver a fun reading of Mine
Dec 04, 202252:48
Twilight: Episode Three (Edward and Bella are just fighting cats)
More than enough information about snow is given, Edward keeps gate keeping, gaslighting, and girl bossing, Bella is an unreliable narrator, and Meyer doesn’t know shit about black ice.
Book Poll: take.quiz-maker.com/poll4576396xBAC74F02-143
Book Poll: take.quiz-maker.com/poll4576396xBAC74F02-143
Nov 13, 202201:42:37
Twilight: Episode Two (Edward finally took a big sh*t)
Chapter two doesn’t get any better. We’re supposed to hate teens for being teens? And once more the extent of just how much Bella obsessed over Edward was forgotten. Also #TeamMike
Oct 30, 202201:34:30
Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark
In light of busy schedules, let’s celebrate spooky season a little bit with some old stories from a long off childhood.
Oct 23, 202215:08
Twilight: Episode One( We get it Bella, everything is green!)
It’s that time of the year again, and this time we unlock our inner cringe. Twilight had a special place in the hearts of those that read it early on, then the movies came along. Does the book still hold up? Not really honestly, it’s a love hate relationship at this point in time. But we’re still reading it. #TeamEric
Oct 09, 202202:06:04
Jeff the Killer x Reader Cringe Part 2 (Technical difficulties)
We get a recap of the actual story of Jeff the Killer, other creepy pastas make an appearance, pretty sure everyone is going to have a crush on Della, and everything is still confusing.
Oct 02, 202244:38
Jeff the Killer x Reader Cringe
Coming at you with even more cringe, our reader character ‘Della’ doesn’t know anything about self-preservation and how it’s NOT okay for someone to just break into your house, even if it is to make you pancakes.
Sep 18, 202256:22
Joker x Reader Cringe End (Because this is a *VERY* healthy relationship*)
At last we reach a very anti-climatic end that doesn’t leave anyone feeling good…like at all. Eloise is still not like other girls and Siah and Maya reveal too much about knowing how blood spatter works.
Sep 11, 202201:39:10
Joker x Reader Cringe Part 3 (Just lay back and think about better smut)
We got the spice! Sort of, it’s…it’s okay, but it’s not…great. So warning for that, and character death. Eloise has Stockholm Syndrome at this point, Joker is a piece of shit, and a lot is learned about the hosts when it comes to taste in dirty fiction.
Sep 04, 202201:48:43
Joker x Reader Cringe Part 2 (when is it supposed to be sexy?)
Trigger Warning for abusive relationships: Due to brilliant timing and forgetfulness, this episode comes a day late. It’s basically Fifty Shades meets 365 Days with the worst parts meeting one another. Also there’s a long con? There’s a long con involving cards…the card game doesn’t make sense. Help.
Aug 30, 202201:50:14
Joker x Reader Cringe (I want to get off the ride now)
After last weeks unexpected break, today’s feature is a small blurb of cringe fanfiction brought to you by Wattpad. Author and name of the fic are not mentioned. Please enjoy this tale about the reader, whom happens to be an exotic dancer, working for Jared Leto’s joker. Man I wish it was Lego Batman Joker.
Aug 21, 202202:20:47
The Mister: Part One
Oh snap here we go again. EL James’ book The Mister is also as sensual as wet cardboard and as sexy as the elder Kellog brother’s stance on libido- which is that is gross and disgusting. Literally there’s nothing sexy about this book.
Aug 07, 202201:56:50
It me, ur smol
Friends for Robots is a collection of short stories by Merc Fenn Wolfmoor, available on Amazon both kindle editions and paperback. Other works include So You Want To Be A Robot. The story today, It me, ur smol, is about a neural network trying to get humans to drink more water.
Jul 31, 202210:44
Empress Theresa: Episode Fourteen (I wanna get off the ride now!)
First and foremost, Norman’s website: empresstheresa.com In one of our longest episodes, we cover why Theresa shouldn’t be trusted with these powers and why she’s over all just not a good person character-wise- the fact that Norman wrote it this way is deeply disturbing.
Jul 24, 202203:09:33
Empress Theresa: Part Thirteen (This episode is cursed)
Despite being sidetracked, as always, the discussion of just what a hero is comes into question. Theresa is plainly not that at all, if you couldn't already see, but Author-Chan seems to keep trying to push that on all of us. The absolute worst of Theresa just seems to come out here, there's something Norman doesn't seem to quite understand, and it's frustrating to the point of where in each chapter the same mistakes keep getting repeated. Theresa isn't a hero, she's just fixing the world she messed up in the first place.
Jul 17, 202202:36:51
Empress Theresa: Part Twelve
Norman still doesn’t know how the environment works, somehow there are nuclear explosions going off, and this idea to save the planet is so insane it can’t even work in the science fiction sense.
Jul 10, 202201:50:43
Empress Theresa: Episode Eleven (This is the start of something new…a dystopian future)
Theresa goes on a picnic like the not so average bear instead of trying to save the world, but she ‘fixes’ the problem anyway. North Korea does some shady shit while Melvin is away, Theresa actually cries because what will she do without her man? Also she keeps fucking up the environment, the narwhals call for blood.
Jul 03, 202201:26:46
Empress Theresa: Part Ten (Because only men can talk and announce things I guess)
Theresa becomes a ‘pin-up’ girl and increasingly becomes insufferable. HAL learns some new tips and tricks, none of which actually make sense right off the bat, and this chapter is so forgettable we probably didn’t need to read it.
Jun 26, 202201:04:14
Empress Theresa: Part Nine (Passport to Paris)
Theresa and Melvin take it to Paris y’all! And they make asses of themselves. Are we surprised? No, no we are not surprised by this at all. Travel guide Maya is here to talk about that one.
Jun 19, 202201:14:54
Empress Theresa: Part Eight
Theresa and Marvin are reunited and given residence in a mansion in the countryside of England, Norman gets everything wrong. Hundreds of soldiers are in the forest, we’re pretty sure they’re reenactors or something.
Jun 12, 202202:01:01
Empress Theresa: Part 7 (somehow we get offended again)
Literally nothing happens, everyone gets offended to the point of not finishing the chapter and just goofing off for a few minutes. The author published this not once, not twice, but four times and he didn’t bother to fix some language that’s definitely problematic.
Jun 05, 202201:15:06
Empress Theresa: Part Six
The BBC special keeps going on, Siah and Maya keep getting offended, save the seapuppies, and Norman knows nothing.
May 29, 202201:43:04
Empress Theresa: Part Five
When are we getting to the story? This is the story! Somehow both Siah and Maya get offended at the same time by the author, and for some other reason we have to know every little detail of what happened to Theresa after she was in the water. The author has a weird obsession with Theresa having this squeaky clean image and you know what, it’s boring. She’s really the person that reminds the teacher you have homework.
May 15, 202202:03:33
Empress Theresa: Part Four
Coming to you from Maya’s house. The longest and most ridiculous chapter so far. Why the coke bottles? How many times did Winnie crop dust us? It’s only chapter 4 and it’s being going on for too long.
May 01, 202201:49:60
Empress Theresa: Part Three
Somehow we always mention a bukakke, where there is a group of men we always find a way to squeeze it in. Also Norman doesn’t know how to write women decently, Theresa is boring, and if I have to google the college she’s going to to understand everything then you’re explaining things wrong Norman.
Apr 24, 202202:22:24
Empress Theresa Part Two
Literally nothing but something happens? The Amazon Commercial from Hell is retold and Jan goes missing, but no one really cares but we do? Also there’s been three presidents that all sound very boring.
Apr 17, 202201:22:31
Empress Theresa: Part One
Well, we thought Handbook was bad- this is kind of sort of worse. Listen as Maya becomes unhinged and starts speaking of outer gods that aren’t really there in the text, trust us this is for the best. Get ready for a lot of improv and inflection changes.
Apr 03, 202201:31:21
The Dawn of Empress Theresa
An excerpt of what is to come needed to be shared, no context and just know to buckle up buckaroos.
Mar 30, 202202:33
ModelLand Episode 20: The End
Here we have chapters 46, 47, and 48. Most things are wrapped up, Maya wastes money on the splash zone, and will we ever see hunchy ever again? Find out in the final installment of ModelLand.
Mar 27, 202202:04:46
ModelLand Episode 19: Ch. 41, 42, & 43
Chapter 41: Stone to Bone and Flesh, Chapter 42 La Trois Carpines, and Chapter 43: Porcelain Living Dolls. All is revealed about Creamy and her apparently mysterious past, the Belladonna is finally seen, and Persimmon deserves better!
Mar 20, 202201:49:47
ModeLand Episode 18: Ch. 37, 38, 39, 40
Today we have chapters 37: ManAttack and Heartache, 38: Left, Right, Left, 39: Breathless Sister-Friends, and 40: The 7Seven Tournament. A lot happens over these chapters, Tyra tries to knock-off quidditch, Tookie and Bravo are Toxic, Ci~L comes clean about stuff and stuff, and now we have a tournament suddenly happening!
Mar 13, 202202:18:23
ModelLand Episode 17: Chapter 35: Deco and Chapter 36: All Hail Queen Creamy
Boys are not allowed in the D guys, okay? And Bravo breaks this rule just to see Tookie and tell her a little story, and things get a little bit awkward when sexy chicken tenders are brought up. Also Creamy is still pure evil because she is still willingly sacrificing people to the monstrosities that dwell within the Diabolical Divide.
Mar 06, 202201:18:26
ModelLand Episode 16: Chapters 31, 32, 33, and 34
The names of the chapters couldn’t even fit in the episode title! Today we have Chapter 31: Despairing Desperation, Chapter 32: There no, has never been, and never will be, Chapter 33: The Mutant Music Monster, and Chapter 34: The Mad Woman of the ModeLand.
It just keeps getting crazier and crazier here. Apparently crossing the wall is a big no-no and yet the young Bella's are never told, Tookie doesn't know what to do, Creamy is going mad with power and bloodlust, and Zarpessa has got some unresolved trauma.
Feb 27, 202201:41:50
ModelLand Episode 15: Ch 28: The 3 Decrees, Ch 29: Flute Creepers, Ch 30: Dhead and Dread
These chapter titles seem to be getting longer and longer. Tookie slept walked from the OR-UK and into the M building, which just seems to be where the gurus drink coffee and try to out-cat each other, Creamy and Myyrcle are still making their way up the Diabolical Divide and are more or less up for murder at this point, and finally Tookie and Bravo awkwardly (?) flirt with one another.
Feb 20, 202201:17:58
Early to Rise (Valentine's Day Special 2022 part 2, we read a good fic)
Maya has had it with the bad fan-fiction and at last there is one (in her opinion) good one that is read. Short, sweet, and very much in the Valentine’s Day spirit.
Feb 15, 202211:30
It's Been Some Time (Valentine's Day Special 2022)
Well, we're back at it with the robot banging again. The reader is a nanny, she gets the hots for Glamrock Freddy-obviously we do not read the whole fic; but enjoy the story!
Feb 15, 202202:50:21
ModelLand Episode 14: Chapter 26: The Porcelain Pact & Chapter 27: Z,
Trigger Warning: Mentions of eating disorders and self-hate. Tookie and company become the Knee Maracas (Unicas) and become the support they need while at ModelLand, and then it becomes kind of apparent that Bravo might actually like Tookie and the hospital section of ModelLand is bonkers as shit.
Feb 13, 202201:36:02
ModelLand Episode 13:Chapter 24 W.O.W & Chapter 25 One Bee-otchhh
Due to issues with the audio, the episode intended for January 30th couldn't be uploaded: so here we are. Months have passed and we're in another weird class that's super important, also there's cats with human faces. No one is really comfortable with that.
Feb 06, 202201:36:08
ModelLand Episode 12: Chapter 22: Fused Flashback Females & Chapter 23: The Diabolical Divide
Trauma, Trauma, Trauma- at last we have more trauma that's shared amongst the group. Except Tookie, Tookie doesn't get the trauma for today. That and we're reintroduced from past characters, plotting something that sounds rather nefarious. Hmm, who could it be and what is it that they could be up to?
Jan 23, 202201:02:22
ModelLand Episode 11: Chapter 20: Run and Gun & Chapter 21: Jammers, Chowers, and Poachers
Trigger Warning: implications of self-harm and eating disorders: Gunnero is the worst, Ci~L is the worst, Zarpessa is the worst, and literally everyone is the worst. Two more classes in and we get Tyra making an appearance and the second class…well, it’s a Feeders dream come true I’ll tell ya that alone.
Jan 16, 202201:32:57
ModelLand Episode 10: Chapter 18: La Lumiere & Chapter 19: Caracaracara
So we're kind of sort of really in ModelLand. We get the D(orms) and experience one of the strangest classes, you'd be asking for advanced Chemistry again. Also we tell time by color here...color. We tell time by color-like that won't be a problem. Also all these teachers (so far) are trash.
Jan 09, 202201:34:16
ModelLand Episode 9, Chapter 16: THMC Tamasa & Chapter 17: La Lumiere
We’re finally in ModelLand(?) and it just keeps getting weirder and weirder. The teachers suck and literally everyone is a weenie it feels like. There’s still much confusion over the fact that Tyra just couldn’t come up with fake places vs combining names of real places with each other or elements from real places.
Jan 02, 202201:37:26
ModelLand Episode 8: Chapter 14: Arancia Rossa Di Sicilia & Chapter 15: The Belladonna's Burden
We're kind of in ModelLand, but we're not in ModelLand. There's a tour, but not a tour, and we meet the person that apparently runs this shitshow. It's gotten even more confusing, but at least we've made it up the mountain and through the doors! Also there's a song that's not sung, but just remember guys; the Belladonna is singing.
Dec 26, 202101:11:05
ModelLand Episode 7, Chapter 11: Shiraz Shiraz, Chapter 12: First Princess of SansColors, Chapter 13: The Express Lane
Hittin' ya with three chapters today! Two new challengers approach and some sketchy shit goes down! At last we find out who the Scout is...even thought we didn't really want to know or realize that we had to know what was going on? What really is going on and when are we getting to ModelLand? We may never know at this point.
Dec 19, 202101:23:41
ModelLand Episode 6, Chapter 9: Bzz & Chapter 10: Boo-Big-Tique Nation
Finally we get to see the madness that is T-DODD and it's...well, it makes just as much sense as anything that isn't planned out- this wasn't planned out now was it? It's like a bloodbath without the blood, utter bedlam by all means. But out of the two de la Creme's who gets picked!? Will either be picked!? Regardless we get to see more of this strange world and others that are picked for the excursion to ModelLand...we're still not in ModelLand.
Dec 12, 202101:11:59