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Fkd Up By Faith

Fkd Up By Faith

By Jude Mills
Conversations with people who've been f****d up by their faith, exploring how they've found hope, healing, reconciliation, and forgiveness in or out of their faith tradition. With Jude Mills, who is a Chaplain, Theology postgrad student & uneasy Anglican - committed to Inclusive Church and Inclusive Spirituality.
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Episode 22 - With Piet Ceanadach
Piet Ceanadach is a teacher of Paganism, especially the Wiccan and Druid-Craft paths. He is a third-degree Gardnerian High Priest and author of fiction based on Celtic Mythology. He lives in Glasgow. Piet has a great deal of knowledge of religion and spirituality and is a humble teacher and guide. In this episode, Piet shares specifically about his pre-pagan life as a Jehovah's Witness, including a period of personal tragedy. He speaks about many things he is grateful for having received from the JW's and a number of things he is very much happy to have left behind.  Piet's book 'The Daughters of Danu' is available from Moon Books and all the usual online places. Piet's new book will be published soon. Piet was also keen to share his late wife's Siusaidh's books Jude opens the podcast with the poem 'Spring' by Mary Oliver which you can read here
April 25, 2022
Episode 21 - With Mark Townsend
Mark Townsend  (he/him) is an Independent priest, a celebrant, magician, and author of several books including 'The Gospel of Falling Down'  I had a wonderful conversation with Mark about his life and experiences as a Church of England (and now independent) priest and celebrant and about the ministry of being f**k ups for Christ! We spoke about the privilege of being alongside people in their vulnerable and transitional moments, about how our own vulnerabilities and mistakes are the root and strength of authentic ministry.  Jude reads from 'The Wild Offering Oracle - a 52 Card Deck on Giving it all to God!' by Tosha Silver, and published by Hay House. 
March 28, 2022
Episode 20 - With Genevieve (Queer Christians Brighton)
Genevieve (they/them) is the founder of Queer Christians Brighton Instagram: @queerchristiansbtn I had a wonderful, frank, moving conversation with Genevieve about issues relating to inclusion (or lack of it) in the church, and what it means to be affirmed and affirming. As part of their work with Queer Christians Brighton, (UK)  Genevieve is currently 'reviewing' inclusive churches, 'Trip Advisor' style for their followers.  Content Warning for a frank discussion of mental health, suicide, and 'conversion therapy'  Support Resources Grassroots - Suicide Prevention- Find help now Galop  - The UK’s LGBT+ anti-abuse charity UK based LGBTQ+ Christians seeking inclusive church might want to look at One Body One Faith and Diverse Church MindOut Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans & Queer Mental Health Service - UK LGBTQ- Inclusive Organisations listed on Stonewall UK Resources for LGBTQ People of Faith listed on Stonewall UK
March 14, 2022
Episode 19- Stuart Deloney
I had a great conversation this week with Stuart Delony. We cover quite a bit of ground  from talking around what it means to 'walk out' the path of Jesus to the purpose of preaching, to the role of ministry, to worship being more than a good song!  Stuart describes himself as a storyteller, seeker, sojourner, question-asker, and provocateur. He’s a former pastor and the creator and host of Snarky Faith Radio, a podcast for the spiritually disenfranchised. It's a space to irreverently wrestle through life, culture and spirituality.  Stuart has a Masters of Global Leadership from Fuller Theological Seminary and lives in Chapel Hill, NC with his wife and kids.   Website:  Facebook:  Twitter: @snarkyfaith   Instagram: @stuartdelony
February 28, 2022
Episode 18 - With Marc-Henri Sandoz Paradella
I had a delightful conversation in this episode with Marc-Henri Sandoz Paradella, who is a psycho-spiritual counsellor, meditation teacher and author of the book Toxic Jesus. Marc lives in Lausanne, Switzerland, and was an evangelical pastor before he began to ask questions...  An experience of cancer in 2018, which caused him to have his leg amputated, led to what he describes as a 'reverse epiphany' where the idea for 'Toxic Jesus' was born.  We talked about the understanding of Grace, about an authentic (non-bypassing) spirituality and about finding ways back to faith after 'deconstruction'. Marc's website is The book 'Toxic Jesus' can be found in all the usual online outlets.  I read the poem 'Buddha in Glory' by Rainer Maria Rilke which you can read here Marc read quotes from 'Also Sprach Zarathustra' (Thus Spake Zarathustra) a  treatise by Friedrich Nietzsche, and from the Apocryphal 'Gospel of Thomas'. 
February 14, 2022
Episode 17 - With Mairtin McNamara
We're back! The first episode of FUBF for 2022 with Mairtin McNamara.  I spent a wonderful, gentle and mindful hour speaking to Mairtin, who is an Irish martial artist and movement practitioner living and working (as an engineer) in Antwerp, Belgium.  Mairtin spoke about his early immersion in Catholicism, and about giving the 'perfect' confession. Our conversation moved into compassion, what it means to be 'decent' in our interactions, and how our spiritual practice informs all of that. A rich and engaging conversation that I am sure will give you food for thought.  I shared the poem 'How to Be Alone', by Padraig O'Tuoma. A Poetry Film by Leo G Franchi of Padraig reading his poem can be found here Mairtin shared one of his own poems 'Walls' which you can see at He is also running a  weekend workshop - "Re-Awakening, Care & Touch" -  with Rachel Blackman in Brighton on 30th April & 1st May 2022 link below.
January 30, 2022
Advent Reflections #4 - With Roger Wolsey & Chris Brown
This is our fourth and final 'reflections' episode for the period of Advent and Midwinter, and it is a wonderful double feature! Roger Wolsey - who was the very first guest on the podcast returns with a  really beautiful reflection on the Advent candle themes of hope, love, joy, and peace. Roger is a United Methodist pastor based in Colorado, and author of the book 'Kissing Fish - Christianity for People Who don't Like Christianity'  We then hear from Chris Brown - a UK-based freelance facilitator specialising in LGBTQ+ inclusion, mental health, and suicide prevention - who joined me back in episode 5. Chris reflects on this period of Midwinter and the themes of the Winter Solstice, and ends with a lovely song/duet with Hannah-Rose Tristram.    Episode 1 with Roger Wolsey - Episode 5  with Chris Brown - Roger's website: Chris's website: Hannah- Rose Tristram's website: The FUBF theme music is by David Goodall The piano accompaniment of 'In The Bleak Midwinter' is from the UMC
December 20, 2021
Advent Reflections #3 - With Jack Mason-Goodall
In this, the third of our special episodes for the period of Advent and midwinter, we hear from Jack Mason-Goodall, who was a guest on episode 15. You can listen to that episode again here Jude begins this episode with a reflection on candles,  and Jack shares an utterly gorgeous reading of the poem 'Until we Could' by Richard Blanco. You can read more about the origin of the poem at 'Freedom to Marry' here
December 13, 2021
Advent Reflections #2 - with Oskar Marchock
In this second of our special episodes for the period of Advent and midwinter, we hear a wonderful reflection from Oskar Marchock. Oskar was my guest on episode 7 which you might want to listen to again here Jude shares the poem 'O Radix' by Malcolm Guite which you can read on Malcolm's blog here You can hear the episode of the Church Times podcast which features this and the other antiphons here The FUBF theme music is by David Goodall The piano version of 'O Come Emmanuel' is by K. Jason French on Bandcamp
December 06, 2021
Advent Reflection #1- With Dawn Lister
A slight detour for FUBF for a few weeks. Indulge us.  For the period of Advent, a few previous guests are recording reflections on the themes of hope, healing, reconciliation and forgiveness. In this first, beautiful and mindful reflection, we hear from Dawn Lister, who was my guest back in episode 4. Dawn is a Yoga and Mindfulness teacher and co-owner of Anahata Yoga Centre in Leigh on Sea. She is a Mum and a writer who is currently working on a memoir about her experiences of growing up as a Jehovah's Witness. The poem Jude shares is 'The Gift' by Mary Oliver The FUBF theme music is by David Goodall  The piano accompaniment of 'In The Bleak Midwinter' is from the UMC
November 29, 2021
Samhain Bonus Episode - With Vicki McFall
In this bonus episode for Samhain, I talk to Vicki McFall, who is a Scottish Wiccan/Pagan. Like me, Vicki has some reservations about people (In Vicki's words, the 'dabblers') adopting or cherry-picking Celtic religious festivals (and other practices) who don't always have the accompanying spiritual practice to keep them grounded, safe, and respectful. She also has a go at online 'mediums', makers of 'spell candles', and non-indigenous co-opters of indigenous sacred practices and objects.  Vicki's common sense and straight-talking ordinary-ness shed some light on common misconceptions about Pagans, Wiccans, witches, and their practices. Jude reads the 'Threshold Invocation for The Festival of Samhain' from the 'Celtic Devotional' by Caitlin Matthews.  
November 01, 2021
Episode 16 - with Rachel Cotton
 Rachel Cotton is an Atheist Buddhist with Jewish roots,  an autistic parent of autistic kids, and chair of Autistic Pride Reading. In this fascinating conversation, Rachel very generously shares her faith history: her father's Judaism;  her own journey from Atheism to Tibetan Buddhism (indeed, both); her fear of death; and her love of archeology.  Jude shares Jane Hirshfield's poem 'To Hear the Falling World' which you can read on Poetry Chaikhana  Rachel shares Thich Nhat Hanh's translation of  the Heart Sutra
October 18, 2021
Episode 15 - With Jack Mason-Goodall
 Jack Mason-Goodall is a psychologist and psychotherapist in training, who specialises in working with autistic children and families.   We covered a lot of ground in this uplifting conservation, but significantly,  this was the first conversation (but most definitely not the last) on this podcast, about being  F****d up by a yoga community! Jude shares the poem 'I Live in the Woods of My Words' by Hannah Emerson 
October 04, 2021
Episode 14 - With Naomi Wood
Naomi Wood  (she/they)  is a Brighton-based writer, poet, performance artist, and workshop leader. We had a fantastic conversation about (you guessed it) being Fkd Up by the Evangelical Church, about expressions of faith, finding the sacred in nature, and -  of course -  about poetry! Naomi shares two spoken word pieces in the podcast. Jude shares Seamus Heaney's poem 'Postcript' at the top of the show.  Naomi's website is Instagram @naomiwoodwrites and @iamnaomiwood Brighton Feminist Bookshop Hammer and Tongue - poetry slam
September 20, 2021
Episode 13 - With Jet Black
In this lively conversation, multi-media artist, Jet Black talks to me about her Jewish upbringing and the importance of being a culturally and ethnic (but not religious) Jew.   She shares candidly about the recent death of her mother, and the anxiety of choosing an appropriately Jewish headstone amidst a plethora of opinions.  Jude shares the poem 'Freedom' by Denise Levertov Jet shares a verse from 'Night Comes On' by Leonard Cohen 
September 06, 2021
Episode 12 - With John McCullough
It was an incredible treat to speak to poet John McCullough. John is an award-winning writer, poet, and creative writing tutor, who won the Hawthornden prize for literature in 2020 for his third collection of poetry 'Reckless Paper Birds'.  In this episode, we talk about poetry (obvs!) as well as spirituality (and the connection between the two) about mental health, queer spirituality, more poetry, and John's early church experiences as a choirboy. I share John's poem 'Sometimes I am Visited by a Church of Rain' which is from his second collection 'Spacecraft'. John shares his poem 'Soulcraft' from his third collection 'Reckless Paper Birds'. Both are published by Penned in the Margins and can be found in all the usual book-selling places.
August 23, 2021
Episode 11 - with Olivia
Olivia talks about her neurodivergent experience of feeling separate and about addiction, trauma, and finding healing through the Twelve Steps of Al Anon.  She remains just Olivia to honour Twelve Step anonymity.   Content/Trigger warning for a brief discussion of sexual assault.  Jude shares the poem 'God Says Yes to Me' by Kaylin Haught  Olivia shares 'Desiderata' by Max Ehrmann
August 09, 2021
Episode 10 - With Rachel Sparks
Rachel Sparks is a dancer, dance teacher, and heart-centered embodiment educator. In this gentle and intimate conversation with Rachel, she talks about love and loss, and about moving away from Evangelical Christianity towards a more holistic and embodied spirituality grounded in nature. Jude shares an excerpt from Kae Tempest's poem 'These things I Know'
July 26, 2021
Episode 9 - With Mary Louder
In this episode, I chat with Mary Louder, who is an Osteopathic Physician and Integrative Medicine Practitioner living in Michigan USA. Mary talks about her FOUR (4!) baptisms, and how involvement with one faith group at university nearly cost her her medical career.  The poem shared at the beginning is 'Sometimes' by David Whyte, who can watch/listen to reciting the poem here The song shared by Mary at the end is 'The River Jordan' by May Erlewine. You can listen to  it on Youtube here you can read the lyrics here
July 19, 2021
Episode 8 - with The Happy Heretic
The Happy Heretic (she/her) is an ex-Evangelical Instagrammer.  In this uplifting conversation, we talk about her journey from Atheism to Evangelical Christianity, to leaving the church, her journey in navigating her 'deconstruction' and the hope and healing she has found away from the church.  Find her on Instagram The poem she shared was from 'Vulnerable AF' by Tarriona 'Tank' Ball of  'Tank and the Bangas' who you can see perform here
June 28, 2021
Episode 7 - With Oskar Marchock
I had a wonderful conversation with Oskar Marchock (he/they) whose gentle modesty had me just introduce them as 'Oskar'.  In this, our third FKD UP BY FAITH for #pride month, Oskar talks about growing up Catholic in a multiracial Caribbean family, about Christianity, Buddhist and Taoist philosophies, about being queer and trans, and about the pleasures and meaning of Trinidadian food.  Jude shared this from the Vietnamese Zen Buddhist monk,  Thich Nhat Hanh “Breathing in, I calm body and mind. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment I know this is a wonderful moment.”
June 21, 2021
Episode 6 - With Kaj Jensen
Kaj Jensen (they/them) is a genderqueer storyteller who calls the Pacific Northwest home.  When not collecting stories, they spend time camping with their cat and spying on birds. In this our longest episode so far, Kaj shares their fascinating story of growing up as an Evangelical Christian, on a farm in the 'middle of nowhere' in the American midwest, where they asked their parents and pastor 'difficult questions'  - like what happened to the dinosaurs?  Kaj talks about queerness, community, and an authentic spirituality rooted in their love of nature. Kaj's website is The Poetry shared on the podcast is The Way is difficult and very intricate - by Lalla Wild Geese - by Mary Oliver
June 14, 2021
Episode 5 - with Chris Brown
At the beginning of Pride month, I am delighted to talk to Chris Brown (she/her) who is a UK-based trainer and consultant specialising in suicide prevention, mental health, and equalities issues, especially LGBTQ+ inclusion.  Chris tells her story of childhood and adolescence in an Evangelical CofE church, and the pain, separation and trauma caused by the imposed ideas of sin/redemption. Ultimately, given the church's rejection of her sexual identity and expression, Chrs chose 'life' rather than the church. She talks about healing in relationship, community and awareness of what inclusion actually means.   As with all episodes of FKD UP BY FAITH - content warnings for difficult and potentially triggering topics apply. You can find out about Chris's work at The opening reading was from Anam Cara - by John O'Donohue The poem spoken by Chris was The Summer Day - by Mary Oliver Who made the world? Who made the swan, and the black bear? Who made the grasshopper? This grasshopper, I mean- the one who has flung herself out of the grass, the one who is eating sugar out of my hand, who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down- who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes. Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face. Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away. I don’t know exactly what a prayer is. I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass, how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields, which is what I have been doing all day. Tell me, what else should I have done? Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? Affected by any of the issues?  UK based LGBTQ+ Christians seeking inclusive church might want to look at One Body One Faith and Diverse Church MindOut Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans & Queer Mental Health Service - UK LGBTQ- Inclusive Organisations listed on Stonewall UK Resources for LGBTQ People of Faith listed on Stonewall UK
June 07, 2021
Episode 4 - with Dawn Lister
Dawn Lister is a Yoga and Mindfulness teacher and co-owner of Anahata Yoga Centre in Leigh on Sea. She is a Mum, and a writer who is currently working on a memoir about her experiences of growing up as a Jehovah's Witness, which - like many ex-members of the JW organisation - she considers to be a cult.  Dawn tells her fascinating - and sometimes difficult -  story of childhood and adolescence in a Jehovah's Witness family, about the process of leaving the church, and her long path to healing, wholeness, and forgiveness. Dawn and her business partner Daniel Groom also have a wonderful podcast called 'From the Heart'  which you can find via their website or on all the usual channels.  As with many stories of being FKD UP BY FAITH, some people might find aspects of Dawn's story upsetting.  PRAYING - by Mary Oliver It doesn’t have to be the blue iris, it could be weeds in a vacant lot, or a few small stones; just pay attention, then patch a few words together and don’t try to make them elaborate, this isn’t a contest but the doorway into thanks, and a silence in which another voice may speak.
May 31, 2021
Episode 3 - with Jax Bull
Jax Bull is an interfaith minister, coach, counsellor and 'iheart' facilitator who lives in East London. In this lively conversation, Jax shares about being mixed race, her deep connection to the 'Readybrek Glow' of God, her intimate relationship with Jesus, and her eventual break from a church where the Gospel wasn't always preached as Love.  Jax's website iheart – Innate Health Education and Resilience Training – is a non-profit organisation dedicated to helping young people uncover their innate resilience and mental wellbeing. The Body is Like Mary The body is like Mary, and each of us has a Jesus inside. Who is not in labour, holy labour? Every creature is. See the value of true art, when the earth or a soul is in the mood to create beauty; for the witness might then for a moment know, beyond any doubt, God is really there within, so innocently drawing life from us with Her umbilical universe – infinite existence … though also needing to be born. Yes, God also needs to be born! Birth from a hand’s loving touch. Birth from a song, from a dance, breathing life into this world. The body is like Mary, and each of us, each of us has a Christ within. – Mevlana Jalaluddin Rumi Translated by Daniel Ladinsky in his book, ‘The Purity of Desire’.
May 24, 2021
Episode 2 - with Revd Sheila Zietzman
Revd Sheila Zeitsman is an ordained OneSpirit Interfaith Minister and faculty member for OneSpirit Interfaith Foundation. In this fascinating conversation, Sheila shares her story of growing up as a white African in Zimbabwe, her uneasy path to faith, her ordination as a Church of Ireland priest and her later ordination as an Interfaith minister.  Sheila's bio on the OneSpirit Website - The Loving Kindness Song mentioned by Jude - sung by Jess Huetteman on YouTube Sheila's Blessing was by John O'Donohue May all that is unforgiven in you Be released. May your fears yield Their deepest tranquillities. May all that is unlived in you Blossom into a future Graced with love. --John O'Donohue ("To Come Home To Yourself"; Benedictus/To Bless the Space Between Us)
May 17, 2021
Episode 1 with Roger Wolsey
My guest on this first episode is Roger Wolsey - USA based Pastor, who is best known as an advocate of Progressive Christianity.  He is author of Kissing Fish (Christianity for People who don't like Christianity) We talk about the state of Christianity in the USA, about what Progressive Christianity is, and about hope and healing for people who've been wounded by their faith, and about love.  Roger's website
May 09, 2021
To get the ball rolling...
May 04, 2021