The Sensualist Podcast

The face of monogamy is changing, and one thing is clear, the way a lot of people are doing it is not working.   What can monogamous couples learn from the communication habits of poly folk?  Is one better than the other? 

BIO: Leah is the founder and leader of the Esther Perel Discussion Group on Facebook, a community of over 13K members from across the globe who regularly discuss relationships, intimacy, sex, desire, and infidelity. 

Tatiana Alexeeva caught my attention this year with her hilarious and creative youtube videos. What I didn’t expect was how helpful and informed she was, and the high standard of support and attention that she puts into anyone she works with. We are here to discuss a technique that is so effective, it is almost foolproof and can be used to thrive in any area of life, from business to health, to your sex life.

Multifaceted and multi talented, Tatiana is a pharmacist turned hypnotherapist,certified coach and NLP coach.  She helps people with unhelpful habits related to their health goals, such as procrastination..anxiety and stress.  

WEBSITE: https://easyhypnosis.ca/coaching-with-tatiana

YOUTUBE:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWg_HQOk2p5M2ky_KzBM8Ow

Tatiana: "As a member of IMDHA, I've been practicing hypnotherapy since 2019. I mainly help people overcome bothersome habits related to their health goals (ex. quit smoking, weight loss, procrastination issues). I also do volunteer Coaching for Health for Pain BC, and coach people with chronic pain helping them lead a more functional life. In 2020, I completed the Tiny Habits (c) training with Dr BJ Fogg, behavioural scientist from Stanford University. I'm a huge proponent of  his method of implementation of habits in our life – it's clear, straightforward and flexible to the point that it almost excludes failures. In 2021, I became an ACC certified coach and New Code NLP online coach.

I'm an ex-pharmacist, so I have very high standards of work ethics.

Right now, I'm working on creating a small online group for habit building to help participants decrease anxiety and stress. The group will run for 5 weeks and will include an intensive support in between sessions.

I invite you to sign up for a free no-sales consultation if you're interested in ways to decrease anxiety and procrastination, as well as boosting your motivation and creativity in different areas, and if you're interested in my group habit building projects. It's a no-obligation conversation that in an of

itself can be extremely beneficial.

This episode is about being the smile you want to see in the mirror, and discusses how you cannot get sexual satisfaction unless you are someone who can invite it.  What the heck does that even mean? A practical exercise which can instantly shift you from an annoying asshole into someone that is enjoyable to be around.  How is that as a prelude to foreplay? 

A practical exercise which instantly shifts an annoying spouse that you definitely have no interest in touching, to someone that you adore. Like Magic. 

What's a better way to manage sexual frustrations than dropping passive aggressive hints? 

How to instantly (almost) change a critical mind with regards to your partner (minute 37 for the exercise guided by Freja)

Let your New years Sexolutions include being someone better to have sex with. 

Links mentioned in the show :

What does "state control"  have to do with sex and relationships?  Only EVERYTHING! 

Your state is the foundation on which everything rests,  you can't "get there"  if you're in a state of annoyance, criticism or anxiety! 

In this "clean conversation" Mohammed explains how state control can be managed deliberately and almost instantly to not only have better performance, better relationships... but what actually motivated me to contact him was the common theme of people being on medications that cause sexual dysfunction and saying they "need" to be on them because "zyx"   Well what if "zyx" was within your control to manage and balance, and you were empowered to easily have the type of response you wanted? Mohammed tells us how. 

Also: the trick to producing your own DHEA  (a vitality supplement sold in stores), get over stressful incidents quickly so that you don't take them home, and how to affect people around you (hint hint your partner) positively without saying a word. 

Dr. Elizabeth discusses HOW hypnosis can help you to have a better sex life.  By removing blocks and obstacles to pleasure or relating, for people who let anxiety or lack of focus get in the way, who have low libido or cannot access their pleasure. Plus! 

• Foot fetishes and installing pleasure feet
• Orgasms from GIVING oral sex
• People who can't go into trance
• Unethical erotic hypnosis

https://drlizhypnosis.com/

Nighttime Conversations With Steve and Freja: 

Special guest Dr. Elizabeth Bonet talks about why being present during sex is important

• What does being present mean
• How does it help sex and make it better
• How to "be present"
• How distractibility ruins sex
• And how Steve finds orgies to be a major distraction! 

Steve and I discuss what options people have when they are sexually mismatched -- after defining what that means. 

• one person wants sex once or twice per day, the other  1x a month
• alternatives to breaking up
• is there such a thing as a spectrum of monogamy
• what are the options for very strictly monogamous relationships? 
• what are the options when people are open to mild exploration, but not wanting to engage with others? 

Resources

Book Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

www.BettyMartin.org/videos

https://www.reddit.com/r/karezza/

This evening's talk is inspired by conversations with girlfriends in the dating world: a common situation is after a brief period of dating, a text will come in with a request to " do anal and swallow"

I want to address two parts of it, why sending a text with a request for that early in a relationship without any discussion is a RED FLAG

--porn mindset and how Steve and I disagree on this! 

--how to approach sexual discussion with specific requests for acts instead

--how to ask for things which are out of someone's comfort zone.  How to approach things which are out of YOUR comfort zone that your partner wants.

--How a healthy dynamic inspires willingness vs. compliance, and avoiding pressuring your partner or triggering issues from past sexual trauma

Inviting intimacy, or as Freja puts it -- how to ask for sex without being a douche. 

Steve and I talk about common obstacles to initiating/inviting sex, particularly in a changing environment where people are afraid to ask for what they want. 

We talk about

• How do you avoid feeling rejected when you ask for sex a lot and your partner says no? 
• Is it even worth it to ask for sex when you know it's going to be "obligation sex" that results?
• What is the difference between welcomed, and unwelcomed insistence when it comes to pursuing sex with someone? 
• Women who get upset when you don't "put out"  within three dates, what's the deal? 
• That marital death bed when one person starts avoiding doing ANYTHING AT ALL that might arouse the other person, sleeping with pjs on, avoiding spooning or cuddling, changing in the bathroom..... what is really going on? 
• Guys in the friendzone, is it possible to offer to give your lady friends "a hand" with their sex and have it not be awful and super annoying and douchey? Steve says yes, and offers a way how to do this. 

Freja here:   Steve and I wanted to open a dialogue and INVITE you to share with us your own stories of sexual connection. What are some of the reasons you have, or have HAD sex in the past that are not just be because you're trying to alleviate libido or strong desire, which is what we tend to imagine is the reason for doing it.

What we find upon examining things deeper is that sexual desire is actually a far smaller player than many of the other factors and reasons for doing it.

Why is this important? SO MUCH of our lives and happiness is consumed with sexuality. Trying to get it, wanting more or less than a partner... and the wheres, the whys and the how.... and so much of our suffering is due to placing conditions on sexual activity. Early on in relationships we're often happy to be delusional, later on we start to become critical. "I want sex, but I only want it with one person, and I want that one person to find me irresistibly sexy and to desire me so much that they just can't help themselves, and are already aroused when we begin." "I want a certain kind of sex because that kind of sex makes me believe I am still desirable, when I look in the mirror and suspect I'm not" "I want it a certain number of times per week and will get very unpleasant if it falls short of that" "I want this activity and that activity and for it to look a certain way"

Furthermore, there can be darker dynamics of coercion and manipulation. Are you demanding sex from someone because you want to feel okay? Are you saying yes to sex just to shut someone up, or to avoid negative repercussions or abuse?

If "Romanticism"  or Romantic thinking is harmful to relationships, and most of us are on a spectrum of this type of thinking/projection/fantasy, what are some alternatives for the single or partnered person?   What are some healthier ways to approach dating or your partner in a relationship, and how to avoid the disappointment when the other does not meet expectations? 

-What about Soul Mates? 

-What about feeling lonely within a relationship? 

-What about the idea that if you fix the relationship, better sex will follow? 

Steve and Freja converse on these subjects and would love to hear YOUR thoughts on an ongoing and exploratory conversation series. 

RESOURCES