Friends Abroad Relationship School Podcast

5 Areas to assess if you wish to reconnect with an ex

Why does your ex detach and go elsewhere for emotional support?

Are you working with or against your partner?

9 habits that interfere with healthy relationships outcomes

3 Requirements for successful reconnection with an ex

Focus on yourself. Not what they are doing but what are you thinking and feeling?

3 behaviours that make your ex think they made the right decision by leaving you

Contact from ex dont mean they want relationship, same relationship or relationship will be healthy

Self-awareness for effective communication

4 Steps to change your relationship outcomes

Step into your power and avoid learned helplessness

Your mindset determines your relationship outcomes

Identify Unmet needs for your triggers or life situations

Before you progress a relationship have important conversations

Trust and allow the process

How an anxious attached person can detach from being clingy

If you want to live well treat people like the weather

Do the results you hope to get match the work you are doing?

Episode 48 Trauma on the Screen - At first sight

The benefit or implication of doing inner work for men

Of instant connections and what's next

Don't set others to be your parents

Learn to live well
Assess
Plan
Intervene
Evaluate
Adjust

Attachment to outcomes post break up

The excellence is in the focus and commitment

If you want to be viewed as a good person behave like one

Do not avoid the pain. Go through it and move through it and find a way to move forward

Why you might end up with an existential crisis

Are you ready for relationship if you avoid conflict?

It's not what the other person is doing

Self-betrayal

You can't mess up the right thing

Do you need to be in relationship or therapy?

Don't set a partner to be your parent

The inside-out approach

You can't make anyone do anything

Dichotomy of control

If you find yourself repeating your boundaries to a partner, it's called, trying to make something happen

It's subconsciously a scare tactic, a form of manipulation and control.
This is about trying to change someone

Instead of pushing for changes, the strike system might work
Detach
Give them opportunity to make changes
You may express yourself 2-3 times
If no change, let it go or let go

When people get into a relationship, they know their responsibility to feed relationship container. They know what they set out for.

A partner in a relationship is impacted by you, just as you are impacted by them.
That is how they feel prompted to meet or address your needs. They do this without self-betrayal also. They honour themselves. Yet, they do not disregard your needs.

If a partner is not making an effort to meet your needs or communicate why they cannot, they are making a choice to exclude you.

You cannot make anyone do anything

Consider how much of what your are communicating means to you
If you have given them opportunity and there are no changes, it is up to you to either lay the issue to rest or let them go.

If you lay an issue to rest, parent yourself to avoid resentment. If you cannot let go of resentment, let go of the relationship.

You cannot keep repeating yourself to someone, otherwise the relationship can turn abusive.

What can I do while my partner isn't doing what I want them to do?

Focus on yourself

Get into a routine that benefits you
Create
Hobbies
Be in the moment
Meet friends
Help others

When your partner is coming towards you, sort out whatever needs sorting out

You only have now!

Conditioned anxiety and the absent parent

Absence of a parent leads to conditioned anxiety and inability to self-regulate. Even for a child who is resilient, the initial loss is debilitating.

Child feels let down when parents are absent, even when they pass away. Kids can not understand or process the reasons for their parent leaving or passing on. Children are naturally entitled, because their brains have not developed to process such data. And naturally, they need nurturing from their caregivers.

They developed separation anxiety, and might become insecure attached

Some children become overly independent and grow up quickly
These children suppress their needs and wants for fear nobody cares. They fear attaching to another person due to fear of being abandoned again.

Others become overly clingy on existing or replacement caregivers to avoid rejection. They might hold on despite abuse or poor treatment.

Some children have a mix of these characteristics due to how they were looked after by their caregivers, or how they might be looked after by replacement or existing caregivers.

Without support or healing, these children may exhibit these qualities in adult relationships. Consequently relationships will be dysfunctional and unhealthy.

Heal the inner child to connect with yourself and for healthy relationships.
Heal abandonment wounds
Be the parent you needed when you were a child
Invest in a support group
Create boundaries and say no to wean yourself off unhealthy relationships

Choose your options between healthy and unhealthy coping strategies

Your self-relationship affects your parenting

Find out how you ended up in the present situation

Where to find healthy partners

Side chick or side dude

How to support a partner

Situations in which you need to avoid taking things personally

Growing for relationships: Feedback

A Stoic reflection

"Don’t demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well."

Epictetus

For all of us, life does not flow serenely without any hitches and glitches. In fact, thr opposite is true. Life challenges us daily, but we allow it to happen and then choose how to best tackle what happens with dichotomy of control.

"If you wish to live a life free from sorrow, think of what is going to happen as if it had already happened." Epictetus

For example, the amount of time we could spend complaining or venting is spent reparenting and objectively evaluating the trigger with a journal.

Yes, we need support and after going inwards, we can also reflect on how best to reach out to someone safe in a community for co-regulation.

"If a person gave your body to any stranger he met on his way, you would certainly be angry. And do you feel no shame in handing over your own mind to be confused and mystified by anyone who happens to verbally attack you?" Epictetus

This is a muscle we have to strengthen

We are not going to overnight become experts at self-regulation. However, we need to practice.

Each trigger is an opportunity to self-reparent. Use each trigger as fuel for transformation.

"Don’t demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well." Epictetus

You come first