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Goblet Of Wine: A Drunken British Harry Potter Podcast

Goblet Of Wine: A Drunken British Harry Potter Podcast

By Harry Potter
Two British lifelong Harry Potter fans Hannah and Charlie re-read their favourite childhood book chapter by chapter with added alcohol and cynicism in fortnightly episodes!

The perfect podcast for HP fans who want to revisit the story through an adult lens (AKA, NSFW), and with the added bonus of British accents, Hannah and Charlie lovingly tear apart the books pointing out plot holes, anti-feminist moments, transphobia, fat phobia, and most of all...dick jokes. A unique combination of intelligent literary criticism one minute, and drunken chaos the next, join us on our reminiscent journey.
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Ep 72 - Order of the Phoenix 26: It didn't come home
Correction: it did not come home. Alas, welcome to episode 72, where we're chatting about chapter 26 of OOTP, bitching about the stupid gender roles that we and Ginny have to deal with, the teachers having shit lives, and McGonagall being bisexual. Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
July 19, 2021
Ep 71 - Order of the Phoenix 25: Choked By A Pot Plant
Hello! Welcome to episode 71 where we're talking about chapter 25 of Order of the Pheonix. We're discussing our thoughts on Cho, Katherine Ryan, and Rita Skeeta's origin story. Oh, and Charlie realises she might be a lesbian. Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
July 5, 2021
Ep 70 - Order of the Phoenix 24: Snape's Wanking Photo (Ft Neil, kind of)
TW: Discussions of suicide - 36.50 - 37.45 Ello ello ello. Welcome back to episode 70, in today's episode we're discussing chapter 24 of Order of the Phoenix, and talking about Snape's wanking photo, yet more lack of logic with the Hogwart's Express, our feelings on Cho, and how Snape is a TERRIBLE teacher. Oh, and we also do a Q&A with Neil. Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
June 21, 2021
Ep 69 - Order of the Phoenix 23: Nice.
Trigger warning: memory loss/alzheimers/dementia discussion 53 minutes to 1:02:00. EPISODE 69! Nice. Join us in our new episode where we're drinking one of the nicest drinks we've drunk on the podcast so far, talking about Hermione's relationship with her parents (again), Ron buying Hermione perfume (?!?) and answering whether we think Neville is the chosen one. Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
June 7, 2021
Ep 68 - Order of the Phoenix 22: Bloo Goo
Hello! We're halfway through Order of the Pheonix which can mean only one thing - THE HOUSE CUP ANNOUNCEMENT! We're saying a massive congrats to Ravenclaw for winning it, as well as a huge congrats to our new prefects Rachel, Sophie, Mary and our headhuman Alex. We also barely talk about HP whilst drinking 'Bloo Goo', a terrible drink invention from our Patreon Em. Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
May 24, 2021
Ep 67 - Order of the Phoenix 20-21: No One's Going To Tell ABBA
Ello ello ello! It's another episodeeeeeee. In todays ep we're chatting about chapters 20 & 21 of OOTP. Charlie resets the vibe in a...creative way, and we comment on how wizards make themselves the centre of attention with everything, giants, and how Cho so relatably goes from crying to horny in 0.2 seconds. Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
May 10, 2021
Ep 66 - Order of the Phoenix 18-19: Death By Frog Impact
WE'RE BACK TOGETHER! Covid 19 rules now allow for 'non-essential' businesses to open, which apparently, our podcast is 'non-essential'? Who knew. So with some sexy social distancing rules in place we're FINALLY recording together again! We're chatting about chapters 18 & 19 of OOTP whilst drinking a literal TUB of alcohol. We discuss Harry and Ron's learned helplessness, Cho kinda being a nonce, which Hogwarts house would be the messiest, and rainy school lunchtimes. Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
April 26, 2021
Ep 65 - Order of the Phoenix 17: That's Not Where They Should Be Fucking
In today's episode, we're talking about chapter 17 of Order of the Pheonix, how Hogwarts needs a sex room, how problematic the staircase slide is, and what a ridiculous amount of male violence there is in Harry Potter. Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
April 12, 2021
Ep 64 - Order of the Phoenix 16: The Polar Bear & Giraffe
Trigger warning - Discussion of Sarah Everard case (sexual assault, murder) until 14 minutes in. Welcome back to another episode! We're chatting about Chapter 16 of Order of the Phoenix, debating how vanishing spells work, whether you can smell the difference between a sheep and a goat, and how fucked up it is to use acne as a punishment. Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
March 29, 2021
Ep 63 - Order of the Phoenix 14 & 15: Harry is Bi ft Sequoia Simone
In today's episode we have an amazing special guest - Sequoia from our sister pod Fanatical Fics! We're drinking cider and debating how owls work, how Harry is CLEARLY bi, and how Umbridge is basically Michael Gove. Find Sequoia: Us: Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
March 15, 2021
Ep 62 - Order of the Phoenix 12 & 13: Harry's Knife Kink
Time for chapters 12 & 13 of OOTP! In today’s episode as a result of Charlie being a stupid bitch we’re drinking ‘Smokers Cough’ aka Jäger and Mayo, and ‘Prairie Chicken’ aka Gin, Raw Egg Yolk and Pepper. Yum. Once we finish vomming, we’re chatting about the absolute lack of chemistry between Cho and Harry, debating whether potions is hard, and Charlie does an incredible* Scottish accent. *it wasn’t incredible. Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
March 1, 2021
Ep 61 - Order of the Phoenix 10 & 11: Umbridge's Femininity ft. #WizardTeam
Welcome back to another very special episode of Goblet of Wine! In today’s episode, we have the amazing Robyn and Bayana from #WizardTeam podcast and @blackgirlscreate. With the help of their much more insightful minds, we’re chatting about Neville, meeting Luna for the first time, Umbridge’s femininity, and how Hogwarts really needs Ofsted. Twitter warnings: 1:11:55 rape TW 1:16:10 gun TW Find Robyn & Bayana: Real House Students of Hogwarts - Find more of Goblet of Wine: Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
February 15, 2021
Ep 60 - Order of the Phoenix 9: Luna Lovegood (or not)
Another Monday, another episode of Goblet of Wine! In today’s ep we’re making Luna Lovegood themed drinks…and managing not to actually get around to reading the chapter she’s introduced in. If you want to try to recreate our drinks, here’s the recipes; Hannah’s: 2 parts passion fruit gin liquor 1 part elderflower gin 1 part lemon juice drop of Angostura Bitters Over ice with a bit of tonic water Charlie’s: Mythical unicorn gin Aromatic tonic Shaken over ice Plum juice and slices of plum Radish to garnish Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
February 1, 2021
Ep 59 - Order of the Phoenix 7-8: Stalking & Getting Ghost by Celebrities
Lockdown 3 here we goooooo - we’re recording separately, AGAIN. And this time Charlie’s at her home in London so uh, enjoy the train ASMR! We’re talking about Hannah stalking Joanna Lumley, Charlie getting ghosted by Dylan Llewellyn, Charlie ghosting a podcast listener, Charlie loving trains, how we’re both secretly spies, oh and also some Harry Potter. ENJOY! Join Skillshare Today and Get Two Weeks of Premium for Free! Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
January 18, 2021
Ep 58 - Order of the Phoenix 6: Really BIG Wand
Ola! In today's episode we're chatting about chapter 6 of the Order of the Phoenix, plus a huge long rant at the end about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. We're talking about Voldemort nuking people, the 'pure blood' claim making NO sense, and drinking more White Claw! Enjoy! Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
January 4, 2021
Bonus Ep - Goblet Of Mulled Wine: As wet as Dobbys sock
It's that festive time of year again and we're back with our Christmas Fanfiction challenge. We asked our patreons to submit prompts and then gave ourselves 10 minutes to write a festive fanfiction using a randomised character, place, object and spell! Expect chaos, gay stories, a worrying concoction of our past drinks and Aberforth's favourite goat. Oh and for some reason we thought we were sober when recording this ... spoiler warning: we weren't! Merry Christmas everyone xxx Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
December 24, 2020
Ep 57 - Order of the Phoenix 5: We Shotgunned White Claw
Hello, we're drinking WHITE CLAW!! Anddddd talking about chapter 5 of the Order of the Phoenix! And going on a few tangents. We're talking about how wild the OOTP probably is, wife swapping, mad eye moody being everyone's dad, Hermione being a pick me girl, and Molly's labour. Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
December 21, 2020
Ep 56 - Order of the Pheonix 3 & 4: Blowing off a Bollock
We're back and getting in the festive spirit already drinking Bailey's Hot Choc at the request of Veera! In today's ep we're chatting chapters 3 & 4 of Order of the Pheonix, about our love of Tonks, Hermione's lack of background story, and answering what we'd use the pensieve for. Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
December 7, 2020
Ep 55 - Order of the Phoenix 1 & 2: At the end of the day, I'm Mrs Figg
TW: Themes of abuse throughout the episode Season 5!!!! Who'd have thunk it? Not us! To kick off the new season we're drinking Fireball Whiskey at the request of Patron Jaclyn and chatting about the first two chapers of Order of the Pheonix, which is mostly us raving about Mrs Figg and her cats. We're talking about Uncle Vernon abusing everyone in his life, growing up in the countryside, and the oh so innovative use of 'you're gay' as an insult. Merch Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
November 23, 2020
Ep 54 - Goblet of Fire Film: Utter Trash
WE'VE RELEASED MERCH! That's right, we FINALLY did it, we finally got our arses in gear and created some merch. You can check it out at the link below, you can shop by design and then pick what product you'd like the design to appear on. We hope you like it! It's time for an episode we've both eagerly anticipated - Goblet of Fire - THE FILM! We're chatting about the worst film in the entire Harry Potter series, the rampant sexism, Hermione being annoying AF, and the COMPLETE lack of plot. I honestly can't list the things we hate about this film. Just listen. The fanfiction Hannah was talking about at the end is called Dumbledore's Army and the Year Of Darkness. It's not been deleted off but I've tracked down this apparently illustrated pdf on goodreads which I can't vough for but from a quick glance looks the same (a content warning - the fic is relatively graphic in terms of violence - Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
November 9, 2020
Ep 53 - Goblet of Fire 36 & 37: Cornelius Fudge the Beanie Baby
We finished another book?! Who'd have thunk it!! Not bad for a dumb bitch who can't read and...Hannah. Tune in for this episode where we're chatting chapters 36 & 37 of Goblet of Fire and announcing the results of the house cup. We also chat about Fawkes the Phoenix, the government and capitalism, and beanie babies. So grab a glass and listen along, and most importantly, GET EXCITED FOR SEASON 5!!! Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
October 26, 2020
Well, another year has passed and somehow we still haven't been sued by JK Rowlings lawyers or told to stop by interveining family - that's right, this podcast is now 2 YEARS OLD!! In todays Bonus Episode we celebrate by looking back over the past 4 books and seasons using questions, theories and opinions submitted by our wonderful listeners! We discuss Hermione and Draco shipping, Hogwarts students first periods, and how to tounge your way through thiccc espresso martini foam. Oh and one of us cries!
October 12, 2020
Ep 52 - Goblet of Fire 35: Madam Malkin's Back Room Sex Toy Emporium
So we *do* love a ramble but we really may have outdone ourselves this episode, so buckle up for FIFTEEN MINUTES of us talking about *literally* anything other than the chapters we’re supposed to be discussing this episode...but that’s okay because you guys love us for the drunken rambling...right? Right?! Okay whatever. We’re chatting about chapter 35 (that’s right it’s a rare one chapter episode) of goblet of FIRE and whether Voldemort thinks he’s evil, why Sting from the police is a serial killer, and also explaining why neither of us like Lord of the Rings. Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
September 28, 2020
Ep 51 - Goblet of Fire 33 & 34: RIP Bertha
Welcome bacckkkk! In today's episode we're discussing chapters 33 and 34 of Goblet of Fire, aka, VOLDEMORT'S BACK! We're discussing how the fuck Voldemort got his wand, the biggest fuckup yet in the books, and what Bertha went through.   Rape trigger warning- 23:00-26:50 Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
September 14, 2020
Ep 50 - Goblet of Fire 31 & 32: Defeating Bridget Jones' Spanx
Welcome back to EPISODE 50!! How did we do this 50 times?! Why! How did no one stop us? It’s a mystery. Anyway, we’re back and chatting chapters 31 and 32 of goblet of fire. We’re talking daddy and mummy issues, portkey logic, and Voldemort’s dick. We also introduce a new podcast rule! Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
August 31, 2020
Ep 49 - Goblet of Fire 29 & 30: Dumbledore's Sex Memories
WELCOME BACK TO GOBLET OF SWEAT! No, we haven’t changed the name of the podcast, but goblet of sweat is a pretty accurate way to describe the experience of recording a podcast in 36 British heat in a tiny room with closed windows and doors and no AC. In today’s episode we’re drinking a drink based on what we think Bellatrix would drink at the request of our amazing Patreon Samuel. Which turned out to be super damn appropriate as it’s the first chapters with Bellatrix in! We’re chatting Harry actually being logical for once, Dumbledore’s sex memories, and Crouch being trans. Enjoy! Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
August 17, 2020
Ep 48 - Goblet of Fire 27 & 28: Cum Socks
It’s time for another episode with everyone’s FAVOURITE guest - Neil MacQuarrie! So get ya bingo cards or shot glasses ready for every time we mention Game of Thrones, Doctor Who or Star Wars. We’re chatting chapters 27 and 28 of Goblet of Fire, including discussing the origin of scarlet women, Snape’s virginity, cum socks, and the magical postal system. Enjoy! Neil's Twitter Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
August 3, 2020
Ep 47 - Goblet of Fire 25 & 26: There's Poop In The Lake
WE'REEE BACK!! AND WE'RE IN THE SAME ROOM! That's right, after almost 5 months we're finally back, 2 meters apart, and recording TOGETHER. To celebrate get ready for THE DRUNKEST EPISODE EVER! Ft us doing shots in a park, drinking out of a cock bottle in a park, and generally getting glared at by half of South London (especially Neil). We're asking important questions such as 'what're the chances of a chicken egg from the supermarket hatching' (ft egg expert Neil), the importance of teaching children to swim (ft swimming expert Hannah), and...Charlie has no special skills. At some point we do also talk about Harry Potter. Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
July 20, 2020
Ep 46 - Goblet of Fire 23 & 24: Sneaky Night-time Feet Measuring
Welcome welcome, to another episode of Goblet of Wine. It’s time to cover one of Hannah’s favourite chapters - The Yule Ball! We’re dunking on Harry, chatting about getting ready for prom, Krum and Mad Eye both potentially being pedos, our favourite character Ali Bashir, giantess porn, and lesbian communes. It’s peak GoW basically. ENJOY! Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
July 5, 2020
Ep 45 - Goblet of Fire 21 & 22: The Personification Of Death
For an exclusive piece of digital merch donate what you can to:   And then email with a screenshot of proof   Black lives matter resources:  Black lives matter ways to help   African American History: From Emancipation to the Present  Petition - Qualified Immunity needs legislative reform   Petition - End Qualified Immunity! *to the tune of the final countdown* It's another episodeeeeee, dun na naaa. This isn't just any episode, it's an M&S sorry it's an episode where we're announcing the house cup!! That's right! Tune in to discover which house won this season and who our new prefects and head human is! Plus hear our usual waffle about death hoola hooping around the divination tower, school discos, house elves as a metaphor for slavery, and good ol' MISOGYNY. Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
June 22, 2020
Ep 44 - Goblet of Fire 19 & 20: Death chilling in the three broomsticks
#blacklivesmatter   Ello ello ello. What's that? You want another episode to relieve you from lockdown hell? WELL OK FINE. We're chatting chapters 19 & 20 of Goblet of....FIRE. Aka all things the first task, ethics in journalism, and transfiguration and dogs rights. Enjoy! Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
June 8, 2020
Ep 43 - Goblet of Fire 17 & 18: Tubby Custard
Helllllo! Welcome back to another lockdown long distance GoW episode! In today's ep Charlie is drinking tubby custard, and we're chatting how degrees don't matter, arse vs ass, Hogwart's badge craze and how Rita Skeeta is a pedophile. If that sounds like fun then grab a glass and listen along! Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
May 25, 2020
Ep 42 - Goblet of Fire 15 & 16: God Save The Dean
It's time for another quarentine episode! In today's ep we're reading chapters 15 & 16 of Goblet of Fire and chatting the national anthem, the imperius curse, butterfly hair clips, hating the french, and finding out which piece of me Hannah would chop off if she had to. Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
May 11, 2020
Ep 41 - Goblet of Fire 13 & 14: Snape's Owl Fursona
Welcome to the first ever episode NOT RECORDED TOGETHER :( That's right, me and Hannah are doing some fun lockdown style long distance recordings. This episode may break our record for the episode we talk about Harry Potter the least in. Instead, we're talking about the British educational system, Charlie's teeth, Hannah looking after snails, and we read our BIRTH CHARTS! Because astrology is definitely...real. ENJOY! Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
April 27, 2020
Ep 40 - Goblet of Fire 11-12: The Death Troll
It's us again! We're back with an episode that was pre-recorded before the entire country went into lockdown...yay. We're chatting about chapters 11-12 of Goblet of Fire, about how Charlie lives in a hole, ranting about British Geography and travel logistics (YOU CAN'T GET A TAXI FROM DEVON TO KINGS CROSS!!!), Draco's obsession with Harry, and the death troll. This episode also features a beautiful rendition of the sorting hat song by Hannah. Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
April 13, 2020
Ep 39 - Goblet of Fire 9-10: Big Feet Big...
Sorry if you’re listening to this for a distraction from Corona Virus because we mention it within the FIRST FIVE SECONDS. Aside from our blissful naivety about COVID-19, we’re talking about Ron’s big...feet, JK Rowling’s questionable metaphors, how all Veela are lesbians, and most importantly - David Tennant’s tongue. We also have Tiktok now if you want to see us embarrass ourselves on there.    Trigger warnings:  18.30 - TW sexual harrasment/assault start  20.30 - end  21.55 - TW start again  22.36 - TW rape  24.35 - end Tiktok @gobletofwinepod
March 30, 2020
Ep 38 - Goblet of Fire 7-8: Kinky Muggle Roleplay
Hello and welcome back to your favourite way to make coronavirus self isolation EVEN WORSE! Today we’re drinking Irish coffees (because quidditch, duh) and chatting about one of our favourite chapters - THE QUIDDITCH WORLD CUP. We’re also rambling about Hannah’s mum splitting a fox, transphobia in the books, #justiceforalibashir, Krum’s pull out game, and doing lots of maths... Muggle Pants Video Ludo Bagman
March 16, 2020
Ep 37 - Goblet of Fire 5-6: Hogwarts School Musical
Welcome back to THE GAYEST CHAPTERS EVER! That’s right, today we’re reading chapters 5-6 of goblet of fire and discussing our latest Patreon goals, how the twins life is basically high school musical, how wizards need to stop going to Albania. We’re also answering a Patreon question about our favourite places in London! Listener Survey
March 2, 2020
Ep 36 - Goblet of Fire 3-4: the 8 meter wide, perfectly round 14 year old named Dudley
We’re backkkk. This episode is dedicated to Hannah’s departed grandad Adrian…who has a shit taste in alcohol. We’re reading chapters 3 & 4 of Goblet of Fire and talking a LOT about fat phobia, bats, shrews, and the Weasley twins absolutely shite sense of humour. Listener Survey
February 17, 2020
Ep 35 - Goblet of Fire 1-2: Milkin' Snapes
Omg - BOOK FOUR. Who can believe it - me and Hannah read three whole books. In today's episode over a bottle of 'Kinky Pride' I get very passionate about how much I hate Harry and wish the books weren't written from his perspective. We also get peak British and oveshare stories about growing up in villages and scrumping apples and breaking into private land to revise for exams - I was a really badass teen obviously. We also discuss how the fuck you milk a snake. Like seriously. What. Listener Survey
February 3, 2020
Ep 34 - Prisoner of Azkaban Film: Emo and Racist
It's time for the last episode of the season! We're talking about the Prisoner of Azkaban film and how it's emo, racist, has no plot and assassinates Hermione's character! Yay! We're also announcing which House has won the Patreon House Cup as well as the HeadHuman and Prefects for each house!  Listener Survey
January 20, 2020
Ep 33 - Prisoner of Azkaban 22: Time for Time Travel ft. Neil MacQuarrie
We’re back and we’re FINALLY letting Neil speak about time travel! A lot! No seriously! Like a lot...a lot. If you don’t like time travel then I’m SO SORRY you’re going to hate this episode because we go into excruciating detail about open vs closed loop time travel, whether the time travel in Harry Potter works, and paradoxes. So buckle up! We also go on several spoilery rants about other franchises, so if you want to avoid spoilers or just don’t give a shit, here’s where you can skip:  Marvel Avengers Endgame: 3:15, 6:30-10:10  Game of Thrones: 52:20-1:00:00 Neil's Twitter   Listener Survey
January 6, 2020
Bonus ep - Goblet of Mulled Wine: Gay Sex, Murder, Dildos, & Fan Fiction
It’s time for a very special FESTIVE bonus episode! We’re getting into the Christmas spirit with a Christmas themed fan fiction writing challenge! We asked our Patreon’s to send us prompts for: character, location, object, and spell. We picked these at random and the only rule was we had 10 minutes to write a fan fiction mentioning all of the prompts, AND Christmas. Trash ensued. Enjoy and don’t forget to head to our Twitter/IG stories to vote on your favourite fan fic! Listener Survey
December 24, 2019
Ep 32 - Prisoner of Azkaban 21: Goblet of Thrones ft. Neil MacQuarrie
Hello! In today's episode we're drinking the most basic bitch of beers - Brewdog Punk IPA. Why are we being so basic you ask? Well, why else could it be - Neil is back! And by VERY popular demand (see, we DID read the listen survey responses!). This ep we read & discuss chapter 21 of PoA. "Only one chapter?!" I hear you all cry out in confusion - well, YES, we recorded for 3 hours, so now you get the blessing of not only one, but TWO basic bitch Neil episodes. It's a Christmas miracle. Neil REALLY wanted to come on to discuss time travel. Instead there's some absolutely spectacular accents at play (and some less spectacular), we go on a HUGE (and now very topical, despite this being recorded weeks ago) rant about JK Rowling, we talk a lot about Game of Thrones, and Marvel, and puberty, and we do a hell of a lot of singing. And absolutely no talk about time travel. Poor Neil. Neil's Twitter   Listener Survey
December 23, 2019
Ep 31 - Prisoner of Azkaban 19&20: Bad Things Happen When You Enter Holes
Hey there, sooo...forgive us for the audio. We know. We don’t know what happened but for some reason there were some irreparable issues with the audio file for this episode, we’ve done a lot to improve it but particularly at the end it gets a little bit wild. It’s more than listenable however, so we hope you can forgive us. These things happen. But, ANYWAY! This episode we’re covering some EXTRA JUICY chapters, so we hope you enjoy! Listener Survey
December 9, 2019
Ep 30 - Prisoner of Azkaban 17&18: Harry Potter and the Tear-away Trousers ft. Melissa Anelli
Yo wassup. Today we have a very special episode as we're chatting with the one and only queen of the Harry Potter fandom - Melissa Anelli! We're drinking Scotch and reading chapters 17 and 18 of Prisoner of Azkaban, which ends up as mostly yelling. Seriously. Charlie yells about the terrible Werewolf/HIV metaphor, Melissa yells about Hermione being a flawed character, and EVERYONE yells about how the films ruined Ron. So if a bunch of adults drunkenly yelling about a children's book sounds like your thing, then smash that play button. Melissa Anelli:    Us:
November 25, 2019
Ep 29 - Prisoner of Azkaban 15&16:The Dying Art Of Crafting A Shaft
Today’s episode goes out to our wonderful producer level Patreon Amanda, who made us drink the very questionable combination of red wine and coke, which turned Charlie a little weird. Blame Amanda. We’re chatting about chapters 15-16 of Prisoner of Azkaban, how you should always punch rich white men, the implications of cheering charms, Draco’s thighs, and most importantly: the dying art of crafting a shaft. Now...BUNDLE! Listener Survey   Fanatical Fics:    Us:
November 11, 2019
Bonus Ep - Charlie Reads Her Shit Fanfiction LIVE
SURPRISE BONUS EP! If you can’t tell by the title of this episode (in which case you may be just as dyslexic as Charlie was when she wrote this) we’re back for another bonus episode of READING CHARLIE’S SHIT OLD FANFICTION. Yup. Kill me. This story follows the antics of Paige, aka the worlds biggest emo, and her love interest Draco. It starts slow, but OH BOY does it really go to shit. This episode was recorded live at Draigcon, so the audio isn’t fantastic, but we promise you won’t notice because of how much you’ll be cringing at the contents.
November 5, 2019
Ep 28 - Prisoner of Azkaban 13&14: Hagrid's Furry Little Secret ft. Fanatical Fics
It's time for another episode! This week we're joined by Kim from our favourite Harry Potter podcast - Fanatical Fics and Where To Find Them - a self proclaimed 'shitty Hufflepuff'. If you haven't listened to Fanatical Fics then you need to, like, go do that, now. They're our sister podcast and our American, fan-fiction obsessed counterpart. We chat about chapters 13 & 14 of POA, including the feeling of wood between your legs, how Hagrid is clearly a furry, and how Draco, Vinnie, and Greg are clearly a throuple. Listener Survey   Fanatical Fics:   Us:
October 28, 2019
Ep 27 - Prisoner of Azkaban 11&12: Nuggets
Guten tag! Today me and Hannah are potentially starting World War 3 over our misguided attempt to pay tribute to Germany. We're drinking some...interesting German booze called 'Jagdstolz' and eating some authentic German Haribo courtesy of our wonderful listener Fiona! We’re chatting about Hannah’s obsession with tea, what our Patronus memories would be, how you can wank away depression and…nuggets.
October 14, 2019
Much like Harry when he was left on a doorstep in late October to freeze to death and have his frozen body punted across the lawn by the front door opening in the morning, the podcast is A YEAR OLD!!!! Wow, wasn’t that a tenuous segue? THAT’S RIGHT! It’s been a whole year since me and Hannah first put out our awful, drunken takes on Harry Potter for the world to listen to, and somehow so far no one has stopped us - not even a time travelling version of our future selves or one of JK Rowling’s lawyers. So to celebrate a year of giving our largely unwanted opinions we’re coming at you with a bonus episode! Listen to us record a special episode whilst on instagram live, including: much reminiscing, answering YOUR Q&A’s, and answering Harry Potter themed ‘fuck, marry, kill’ voice notes from our Patreon supporters. Featuring classic moments such as us struggling over a dick shaped bottle, attempting to do American accents, and doing many, many shots.
October 12, 2019
Ep 26 - Prisoner of Azkaban 9&10: Stabbed In The Eye With A Turkey Twizzler
Hannah has many talents. Unfortunately, as we discover in this episode, making cocktails is not one of them. Yep, that's right, in today's episode we're drinking homemade Butterbeer to celebrate the trio drinking Butterbeer for the first time in these chapters. Only it's two recipes that Hannah made up, and can only be described as if someone has cummed an egg into a beer. I don't recommend you recreating them, but if anyone does want to, here are the recipes:  Ginger beer, shot of Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum, Caramel Vodka, egg white, vanilla extract Beer, Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum, Toffee Liqueur, egg white When we’re not gagging on Hannah’s vile creations, we’re going full British by discussing turkey twizzlers (and alienating every non-UK listener in the process), getting wayyy too into an idea for a Hermione/Wood smut fan-fiction, pondering over whether repair-o would fix a hymen, and drunkenly being completely unable to say any character names correctly. Also, due to the political state of the UK, me and Hannah are looking to get married to anyone with an EU passport. Please email us with serious enquiries only.
October 10, 2019
Ep 25 - Prisoner of Azkaban 7&8: It Pees When I Burn
Ello ello ello. It’s time for another episode of Goblet of Wine. Today we’re spicing it up with special guest Sarah, aka Hannah’s “temporary-live-in-housemate” who since recording this episode has had a major life glow-up. We’re covering chapters 7 & 8 of Prisoner of Azkaban, chatting shit about chlamydia, covering snakes in lube, boggArts, and Hannah’s passion for wood.
September 16, 2019
Ep 24 - Prisoner of Azkaban 5&6: I've Got A Dick In My Cup
'ello. Welcome back, why have you come back? Never mind, we're glad you have. We're breaking our format today and putting down the booze for once...but it's okay, we're already smashed. Instead we're drinking TEA! I can tell what you're thinking, "oh wow, these girls are really committing to the whole 'we're British' theme." Well, not quite (but also yes, had we mentioned that we're English?). No, we're drinking tea because it's TEA LEAF READING TIME! That's right, it's Harry's first divination lesson, which can only mean one thing - we're getting our fortunes told. Aka drunkenly spilling tea everywhere and predicting Brexit and the Cats trailer. At some point we also discuss chapters 5 and 6 of Prisoner of Azkaban, apparently. Enjoy!
September 2, 2019
Ep 23 - Prisoner of Azkaban 3&4: Prisoners of Ouzoban
Fresh off the back of the excitement about our new microphones we’re here with an episode that we had to record THREE TIMES because we’re too stupid to use them correctly. To make up for it, we did an instagram live and did several shots of Ouzo as punishment and to make sure we were drunk enough for the episode to still be funny...hopefully it worked? Honestly it’s mostly just chaos (go figure). Join us as we chat about Harry whoring himself out on the streets, debate what goes on inside Fudge’s head, compare owls to eggs and chat about FANNIES. Please don’t unsubscribe.  TW R*ape 25:30
August 19, 2019
Ep 22 - Prisoner of Azkaban 1&2: Owl Orgies In Norfolk
NEW AUDIO NEW AUDIO NEW AUDIO! Sorry we're a little bit excited about our NEW MICROPHONES! Now you can hear how posh and annoying we are IN HD!!! We're also super excited to finally be on Prisoner of Azkaban, aka the book where shit starts to get real. Join us as we discuss wax play, owl orgies, and monster book of monsters bondage as part of our quest to make this the least family friendly Harry Potter podcast ever. We also discuss some actual plot, and Hannah tells an excruiating story about what she had for breakfast and repeatedly refers to the Order of the Pheonix Dumbledore's Army because she's an IDIOT!
August 5, 2019
Live from Draigcon! Ft Chris Rankin - Defending Percy Weasley
We're back and this week we're FOBBING YOU OFF WITH A BONUS EP! So me and Hannah have lives outside of the podcast (shock, I know) and unfortunately due to a combination of work trips, Draigcon, and Hannah selfishly gallivanting off on holiday, we haven’t managed to record and edit a real episode yet. BUT we thought it was the perfect time to take a little break between books and to share one of the live recordings from this weekend at Draigcon. So in today’s episode we’re going to be discussing all things Percy Weasley, joined (at 12:00) by none other than the man himself Chris Rankin! It was meant to be a super deep moral discussion of the pros and cons of Percy Weasley, but Chris was a bad influence and it unfortunately descended into discussions of slash fiction, S&M dungeons and fisting. Follow Chris: Follow us:
July 22, 2019
Ep 21 - Chamber Of Secrets Film: The One After Draigcon
I'm going to be completely honest with you, we're uploading this just after Draigcon and we're exhausted to a level where I've only had time to proof listen to about 20-30 minutes of this episode. We discuss the second film, Chamber of Secrets, whilst hungover, and probably make a variety of sarcastic comments and sexual innuendos. Hannah probably makes a bunch of really smart and insightful comments about the makeup artistry, styling, and special effects used, and Charlie probably makes dick jokes and talks about which cast members she would or wouldn't fuck. You know, the usual.
July 8, 2019
Ep 20 - Chamber Of Secrets Ch 17&18: This Doesn't Seem Like Dying
It's the end of Chamber of Secrets! This episode we're drinking cider as England is unusually sunny whilst record (and uploading!) this. Charlie for once has actually made plot notes and we're discussing the epic amount of foreshadowing in these chapters, horcruxes and finding out who Alexa's favourite Harry Potter character is!
June 24, 2019
Ep 19 - Chamber Of Secrets Ch 15&16: Hagrid's Murder Quota ft. HeyAmyJane
Guess who's back? Back it's not slim shady, it's Hannah and Charlie, sorry to disappoint. This episode we’re joined by special guest and general nerd-stuff youtuber HeyAmyJane! We’re discussing Ron’s incredible character development, how Hagrid was clearly sacrificing students each year, how the flying car is the goodest of all bois, and Percy wanking in cupboards. We also discover that Charlie apparently doesn’t know how many legs spiders have.
June 10, 2019
Ep 18 - Chamber Of Secrets Ch 13&14: Snape's Furry
HOWDY! Welcome to our first THEMED episode! To apologise to the 58% of our listeners that are American, this episode we're making a totally awesome tribute to the U-S-of-A. We're drinking Jack Daniels, eating American sweets and....well, that's it. We tried okay! We also have a super special announcement that we'll be appearing at this years Draigcon! More info in the episode or at the link below. This ep we're discussing how Harry loves attention (big mood), how men are useless and unobservant, and speaking of useless - Charlie fucks up big time!
May 27, 2019
Ep 17 - Chamber Of Secrets Ch 11&12: Percy's Christmas Day F*CK!
Welcome back Wizards! This week Charlie and Hannah are drinking a super secret surprise alcohol that involves a spoon, sugar, and a lighter. It's bohemian, okay. We're discussing chapters 11&12 of COS and how Hermione casually abandons her family, how Ernie Macmillian cares more about being right than about his friend potentially dying (relatable), Harry's moral compass being based on whether or not he wants to fuck someone, and an unusually lucid observation from Charlie about a psychologist called Lombroso.
May 14, 2019
Ep 16 - Chamber Of Secrets Ch 9&10: Queer Eye for the Wizard Guy
Join us for this weeks episode where we're back and discussing chapters 9-10 of Chamber Of Secrets. So settle down with a brew and listen to us waffle on about how prophercies work, how Ron is like the Word paperclip of Wizardry, how Quidditch is bullshit and how Dumbledore should join Queer Eye for the Wizard Guy!
April 29, 2019
Ep 15 - Chamber Of Secrets Ch 7&8: The Basilisks Secret Friend
Trigger Warning - Domestic Violence - 53-55mins.  Charlie and Hannah are back at it again for an episode that swings wildly between serious discussions of the racist implications of the word 'mudblood' and whether all the Basilisk ever wanted was a friend to chat to. All this is stirred up with Hannah's excited theory on the vanishing cabinet, Hogwarts being a shit school (what's new) and how on earth a ghost horse works. Grab a glass an try to keep up with the podcast that seriously can't decide what genre it falls into!
April 15, 2019
Ep 14 - Chamber Of Secrets Ch6: DJ Lockhart and the Curious Kipper ft. Neil MacQuarrie
We're back to complete the episode with special guest Neil and this time we finally get to focus on Gildery Lockhart. The Man. The Myth. The radio DJ? Also featuring a rant about whether anyone really eats kippers for breakfast and a hopefully somewhat intelligent dicussion on JK Rowling coding of the British class systems. Grab some alcohol and join in as we hopefully get a bit less screamy about geography!
April 1, 2019
Ep 13 - Chamber Of Secrets Ch5: Norfolk'n'Chance ft. Neil MacQuarrie
We're back with our very first guest episode! Today's episode feature's Hannah's boyfriend Neil and a lot of ranting about Norfolk and the geography of the UK, dicussing chondoms aka chicken condoms, and teaching Hannah what filibuster means with dubious knowledge learnt exclusively from the hit show Parks and Recreation - we also at some point discuss Harry Potter. So grab a glass, a map of England, and listen along. Make sure to follow us on social media where we'll be sharing photos to illustrate just how badly JK Rowling has fucked up with her geography knowledge, as well as loads of other behind the scenes antics. Neil:
March 18, 2019
Ep 12 - Chamber Of Secrets Ch3&4: The Ouzo Who Must Not Be Named
Your favourite drunken-British-Harry-Potter podcast co-hosts are back - and this week they've been poisoned. Poisoned by Ouzo. We have our first ever producer level patreon Sandra to 'thank' for this who kindly chose Absinthe as our drink this week, which after we couldn't find easily because #BritishProblems, we chose Ouzo as the next closest thing. Never drink Ouzo. At some point between force feeding ourselves Ouzo and trying not to be sick we also discuss chapters 3 and 4 of the Chamber of Secrets, and answer Sandra's question of which character in the series would we most like to curse with incurable hiccups.
March 4, 2019
Ep 11 - Chamber Of Secrets Ch1&2: Dobby's Schlong
Welcome back for a very exciting episode - we can't believe we've gotten this far - we're onto book two!!! This episode we're discussing the first two chapters of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, talking about JK's weird thing of demonising ugly people, Harry rating people on whether he wants to fuck them, and Dobby's schlong!
February 18, 2019
Bonus Ep - Reading Charlie's Shit Old Fanfiction
Surprise! We have yet another bonus episode for you, you lucky things! Inspired by the amazing podcast Fanatical Fics (which if you haven't listened to, what are you doing here listening to us, GO LISTEN TO THEM!) we're reading Charlie's old fanfiction that she wrote when she was 13/14 years old. It's truly terrible and hopefully hysterical - we thought so anyway. If you want to hear more of this awful fanfiction (why?!) then you can head over to our Patreon where we'll be uploading the rest of this story, plus another of Charlie's stories, and two of Hannah's also! Don't forget to also check out our social media below to see the beautiful fanfiction banners that Charlie created for these.    Listen to Fanatical Fics:
February 11, 2019
Ep 10 - Philosopher's Stone Film: Daddy's Gone Mad, Hasn't He?!
Welcome to episode 10 (omg) of Goblet of Wine! And now we've finished the first book it's time for the first of our film episodes! In another (this time unplanned) format switch-up, it's the first episode where we aren't drunk. Nope, we're hungover. We *may* have accidentally got too drunk the night before whilst watching the film and had to go to bed early. Oops. But we wanted to get this recorded whilst the memories were fresh, and we definitely didn't want to start drinking at 9am, so here we are unusually sober and horribly hungover. Honestly, this episode is mostly us quoting the film incessantly in exaggerated British accents, fan girling over the cast and over analyising the era accuracy of their hair styles.
February 4, 2019
Ep 9 - Philosopher's Stone Ch16&17: Don't You Open That Trapdoor
Another episode of Goblet of Wine and it's time for the final chapters of Philosopher's Stone! Hasn't time flown! To celebrate Hannah persuades Charlie to do a shot which obvious means chaos ensues, we discuss how Harry is a messy bitch who lives for the drama (we relate) and Charlie gets extremely excited over a show called Trapdoor which, as it's a pop-culture reference, Hannah has no idea about.
January 20, 2019
Ep 8 - Philosopher's Stone Ch14&15: The Charlie Weasley Bro Code
Welcome back Wizards! And a happy New Year. We're kicking off the first episode of 2019 by talking about chapters 14 and 15 of Philosopher's Stone (merlins beard we've almost finished book 1!). In these chapters much dragon related hijinx unfolds, resulting in the oh-so-innapropriate but oh-so-Hogwarts punishment of a lovely walk through the forbidden forest, with added dead animals and evil Wizards. We're calling OFSTED.
January 7, 2019
Bonus Ep - Goblet of More Mulled Wine: A Very Potter Christmas Quiz
If one festive episode wasn't enough for you, we've brought you a second one! This time with even more drunken merriment (seriously, we're smashed in this) and we're doing everyone's favourite Christmas activity - a quiz! But a Harry Potter festive one. It decends into complete chaos with Neil being verbally roasted at every possible moment, Charlie doing spectacularly badly at the quiz and Hannah alienating every American listener AGAIN. What could be more festive! Merry Christmas lovely listeners.
December 24, 2018
Bonus Ep - Goblet of Mulled Wine: It's Christmas!
Merry Christmas wonderful listeners! In todays special Christmas episode we get very festive with some eggnog flavoured cream (or mothers milk as we prefer it to be known) and a bucket of mulled wine. We're unwrapping our Christmas gifts to each other (whilst trying to make that exciting for an audio medium) and chatting about our festive Harry Potter memories. We get a LOT more drunk than we intended, something that we whole heartedly blame speical guest Neil for (he's a terrible influence). This is part 1 of 2 Christmas specials so stay tuned for an EXTREMELY drunken Harry Potter Christmas quiz coming Christmas Eve, and don't forget to check our Instagram @gobletofwinepodcast for the behind the scenes highlights.
December 24, 2018
Ep 7 - Philosopher’s Stone Ch12&13: The Harry Potter Bechdel Test
Today’s episode we’re starting to get festive recording in our Weasley jumpers and chatting through the first Christmas at Hogwarts for Harry. We’re drinking beer and Malibu and coke and debating how many students are REALLY at Hogwarts and whether Ron or Hermione could pass a Bechdel style test for not talking about Harry. Nope.
December 10, 2018
Bonus Ep - Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindelwald
SURPRISE! It’s a bonus ep! In today's episode we're taking a break from our regularly scheduled content to talk about Crimes of Grindelwald...or as it perhaps should be known, Crimes Against A Franchise. We're joined by two cats as we sit down with a glass (or two) to discuss the latest addition to the Fantastic Beasts sorry, *pentalogy, and our many, many Feelings. Warning: there will be spoilers. Don't forget to head over to our twitter @gobletofwinepod to vote on who managed to describe the plot in 60 seconds best, and follow our Instagram @gobletofwinepodcast for fun behind the scenes antics (cat photos).
December 5, 2018
Ep 6 - Philosopher’s Stone Ch10&11: Hermione the Twisted Fire Starter
In this episode we’re drinking ‘red white and berry vodka’ and chatting about being bossy before #girlboss, Ron being underrated, and Hermione being a twisted fire starter. We also want to say a massive thank you to everyone that’s listened so far!
November 27, 2018
Ep 5 - Philosopher’s Stone Ch8&9: Hannah Goes Blind
Welcome to episode 5 of goblet of wine, a drunken Harry Potter podcast. This episode we’re drinking a mysterious Polish booze that boasts of being ‘matured at sea in oak cherry casks’, whatever that means, and Hannah does a spectacular job of keeping the podcast together whilst blind. Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter & Instagram for behind the scenes drunken antics and check out our Patreon!
November 12, 2018
Ep 4 - Philosopher's Stone Ch6&7: Revealing Our Houses
In this weeks episode you get to find out which Hogwarts houses's we belong to as we discuss chapters 6 and 7 of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. Don't forget to tweet us your guesses at @GobletOfWinePod.
October 29, 2018
Ep 3 - Philosopher's Stone Ch4&5: Ariana Grande the Obscurus
In this episode we get VERY drunk and discuss chapters 4&5 of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. We observe how Hagrid's job is clearly bullsh*t, debate Obscurus's (Obscuri?), and how Draco is a little sh...
October 12, 2018
Ep 2 - Philosopher's Stone Ch3: The Otters Follow Me
In this weeks episode you’ll listen to us drunkenly discuss chapter 3 of Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone. We talk about escaping otters and whether wizards are basically white walkers. Don't forget to tweet us your guesses of who started crying halfway through.
October 12, 2018
Ep 1 - Philosopher’s Stone Ch1&2: Meet The Drunks
*Improved audio starts with book 3* Welcome to the first episode of Goblet Of Wine, a podcast in which two lifelong Harry Potter fans re-read their favourite childhood book with added alcohol and cynicism. In this first episode we discuss chapters 1 & 2 of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, drink some flavoured vodka of ambiguous European origin, and introduce ourselves.
October 12, 2018