Goblet Of Wine: A Drunken British Harry Potter Podcast
By Goblet Of Wine
The perfect podcast for HP fans who want to revisit the story through an adult lens (AKA, NSFW), and with the added bonus of British accents, Hannah and Charlie lovingly tear apart the books pointing out plot holes, anti-feminist moments, transphobia, fat phobia, and most of all...dick jokes. A unique combination of intelligent literary criticism one minute, and drunken chaos the next, join us on our reminiscent journey.
Goblet Of Wine: A Drunken British Harry Potter PodcastJul 05, 2021
Ep 132 - Deathly Hallows 15: They're Stinky, They're Smelly
They're stinky, they're smelly, and no, they aren't the podcast hosts.
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JAMES CORDEN TRIGGER WARNING!!! Ep 131 - Deathly Hallows 14: Gregg 2 Electric Boogaloo
SUP! Join us chatting about chapter 14 of Deathly Hallows, Beetlejuice, Go Ape, Greggs, and how terrifying cows are.
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Ep 130 - Deathly Hallows 12 & 13: Kreature Shops Local
Ola! We're drinking Lambrini (classy) and chatting about a heist that didn't need to happen, and crying over steak & kidney pie.
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Ep 129 - Deathly Hallows 11: Pius Is Thicccc
Oh he thicccc. Join us discussing chapter 11 and taking various shots for all the deaths we've missed so far. We chat about ron being gr8, magical patriarchy, warewolf babies and most importantly - whether we're a rat or a frog.
This is the guy charlie pictures as Thicknesse: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGey1YGd5/
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Ep 128 - Deathly Hallows 10: It’s Todd’s World, We’re Just Living In It
'ello, enjoy a Todd heavy episode. Whilst Todd cruises around us, we discuss Harry having a shit day, Hermione's menstrual products, and teenage bedrooms.
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Ep 127 - Deathly Hallows 8 & 9: YMC(GAY)
YYYYYMMCAAAAA!
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Ep 126 - Deathly Hallows 6 & 7: The Ghoul's Toupee
We can't do maths. We realise it's 6. Please don't tweet us.
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Ep 125 - Deathly Hallows 4 & 5: Ted McDreamy Tonks
Happy new yearrrrrr. Join us 220 individual somethings as we discuss nostaglia, love languages, camel toe and cannabalism.
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Bonus Ep - Goblet Of Mulled Wine: Charlie Abuses Todd
Oh, the weather outside is frightful,
but this episode is delightful,
and since you've got nothing better to do,
assault your ears, assault your ears, assault your ears
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Ep 124 - Deathly Hallows 2 & 3: Chicken Wine
Join us for the first two chapter episode in a very long time! We're discussing chapters 2&3 of deathly hallows, aka the epic info dump.
Donate to Amy's fundraiser: https://gofundme.com/f/help-amy-get-ffs?utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet&utm_medium=copy_link_all&utm_source=customer
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Ep 123 - Deathly Hallows 1: Slitty Little Crevice
Ep 122 - Half Blood Prince: Howlers
It's time for the episode where YOU lovely people get to yell at US! But you're all really lovely, turns out.
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Ep 121 - Half Blood Prince Film: I Laughed So Hard I Queefed
WE'RE BACK! After an unexpectedly long break, we're FINALLY back with the film episode! We're chatting about Argentina being in Europe, awkward laughing, Dumbledore giving Harry busy work, and laughing so hard one of us queefs. Classy.
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Ep. 120 - Half Blood Prince 30: Dumbledore's Poolside Funeral
Well hello again everyone. After 30 chapters we're finally at the end of Half Blood Prince, and what a journey it's been! In this episode we bash one of our favourite european nations - Germany! First we compliment their alcohol and cruely ruin it all by making jokes about German holiday-makers. We also discuss the Eras tour, how Hogwarts never runs their exams, and how book 6 is great because it isn't book 5 - enjoy!
Send us your howler voice notes to gobletofwinepodcast@gmail.com with the subject line Howler!
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Ep 119 - Half Blood Prince 29: Hogwart’s Morgue
Ello ello ello. Join us as we drink Taylor Swift themed cocktails (shut up, haters) and chat about chapter 29 of the half blood prince. We discuss Dumbledore's reputation, mansplaining, and how Hogwarts definitely has a morgue.
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Ep 118 - Half Blood Prince 28: Real Wizards Wear Long-Johns
Hi Swifties! We *aren't* eating rotten shark, but we are eating and drinking many other Icelandic things! So join us as we discuss Neville being observant, the end of childhood, Snake's slutty little ankles, and how easy it is to kill babies.
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Ep 117 - Half Blood Prince 27: Avoodle Kadoozle
Alright guvna? Today we're drinking every fucking alcohol we own, ew. We're announcing the winners of the house cup, Hogwarts being violated, and of course, Snape Unaliving Dumbledore.
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Ep 116 - Half Blood Prince 26: BYOB (Bring Your Own Boat) ft. Witch Please
Witch Please - www.ohwitchplease.ca/https
HP TV Show Petition: actionnetwork.org/petitions/nohptv/
Enjoy Harry Potter Without Funding JK Masterlist - docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19H9-NRMfaISLNMAaLSssQFrNy8dUTR3Jeq6oioK4OwQ/edit?usp=sharing
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Ep 115 - Half Blood Prince 25: I’ve Seen Harry Potter’s Ballsack
Ello ello, new episode time! We're chatting about chapter 25 of the half blood prince (eek, we're so close to the end!), about tarot cards, holocaust metaphors, and trust. Plus, Todd and Misu facetime. Awh.
Get a free box of wine (and corn), using our Wine52 link!
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Ep 114 - Half Blood Prince 24: Hannah Eats Charlie
Bonjour, welcome back to your favourite podcast run by two fully functional alcoholics. Join us discussing chaper 24 of the half blood prince, aka unforgivable curses, nearly headless nick, and crotons. Charlie also gets stuck in some jeans, and we talk at length about our love of Notion:
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Ep 113 - Half Blood Prince 23 Part 2: If I Piss, You Piss ft. Neil
HOLE IN THE WALL! We're backkkk, and again, Neil is holding us at gun point and forcing us to let him guest, ew. We're talking about prophecies and the 'chosen one', how fantasy should always have a massive worm, love being lame, and how many vegetables you can hold at once (no, this isn't a euphemism).
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Ep 112 - Half Blood Prince 23 Part 1: Charlie Eats Corn ft. Neil (ew)
Ello ello. We're back...and unfortunately, Neil is back too! He's weaselled his way onto the podcast again. And he forced us to drink Dragon Soop, the bastard. We're chatting about Snugglehorn, how Voldemort should have been minister for magic, how much soul he has, and then eventually Charlie gets distracted by corn and stops contributing to the episode.
Get a free box of wine (and corn), using our Wine52 link!
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Ep 111 - Half Blood Prince 22: Draco’s Lost His Tits
Ooooh shiny new camera! Wooo! Shiny new episode! Wooo!
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Ep 110 - Half Blood Prince 21: Sarah J Maas Might Be A Furry
Welcome back to YET ANOTHER VIDEO PODCAST! Yes, we're still really excited about this. We're chatting chapter 21 of Half Blood Prince, about Roonil Waslib, Harry being a nonce that's good at owning slaves, and not fucking your cousin.
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Ep 109 - Half Blood Prince 20: Hand Puppet Penis
Welcome to our MOST EXCITING EPISODE EVER! We're celebrating the biggest, most exciting thing that's ever happened to Goblet Of Wine.
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Ep 108 - Half Blood Prince 19: I Will Go Down With This Ship
LOOK! IT'S OUR SEXY, SEXY FACES! HOW LUSH! Unless you're not listening to this via Spotify, in which case, why not. Or YouTube. Get with the times! When we aren't gazing lovingly into each others eyes (which you can see for once!!) we're discussing chapter 19 of the half blood prince. Charlie sings a beautiful rendition of Spider In The Bath, and talks about how much she hates minorities (please, no one edit her sarcasm).
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Ep 107 - Half Blood Prince 18: Em’s Not A Nice Person
Enjoy Harry Potter Without Funding JK Masterlist - docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/19H9-NRMfaISLNMAaLSssQFrNy8dUTR3Jeq6oioK4OwQ/edit?usp=sharing
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Bonus Ep - Goblet Of Mulled Wine: It's Christmas, Fuck John Mayor
IT'S CHRISTMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS! It's time for a 5th Christmas special and this year we're back with writing bad fanfiction using patreon prompts. This year we're drinking hot mulled balsams while making mad stories about the scarf of sexual preference, hot crocs, defiling the sorting hat, and the worst Christmas song you've ever heard in your life, featuring Taylor Swift and Buffy The Vampire Slayer - All Too Bem.
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Ep 106 - Half Blood Prince 17: Everyone Loves A Sexy Orphan
Hello hello! In today's episode we're discussing chapter 17 of Half Blood Prince, and Hannah gets herself cancelled by talking about how sexy children are, specifically, orphans. We also drink Balsams gifted to us by a Patreon Alex, and attempt to speak Latvian in his honour.
Orphan guy: www.tiktok.com/@isaach.p
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Ep 105 - Half Blood Prince 16: Harry's Maggot Hair
Happy December everyone! Today we're drinking some fancy milky liquid and risking the fact Charlie might sh*t herself mid-episode. In this episode we begin to get a bit festive, discuss werewolf representation, how inventing spells actually works, and everyone's favourite fun topic ... war propaganda? Oh and Fred's wonderful buttock.
History & Folkore podcast by Holly Medland - https://open.spotify.com/show/2g4jLkfikZwWNYCZMjh54M?si=827d68fe57314c03
Why Do Maps Show Places That Don't Exist by Map Men - https://youtu.be/DeiATy-FfjI
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Ep 104 - Half Blood Prince 15: Unicum
Üdvözöljük! Today's episode is dedicated to the lovely Dorka (and the country of Hungary) who provided us with one of this episodes alcohols, and also very kindly voice noted in for us. In today's episode, as well as offending the entire country of Hungary, we discuss chapter 15 of the half blood prince. We chat about Christmas, Danielle Radcliffe having a second puberty, Harry's sex dreams, Ron being the worst, and Taylor Swift (obviously).
Content warnings:
Spiking - 3 minutes
Drugging: 33 minutes
Victim blaming: 1 hour
Here's the translation we were reading:
CHARLIE Én pedig charlie vagyok, és két húszévesen újraolvassuk kedvenc gyerekkori könyvünket alkohollal és cinizmussal
HANNAH Üdvözöljük a borospohárban, egy részeg Harry Potter podcastban Hannah vagyok
HANNAH A mai epizódban a Harry Potter és a félvér herceg 15. fejezetét olvassuk
CHARLIE szóval vegyél egy pohár kedvenc alkoholos italodból, és csatlakozz hozzánk ezen a részeg visszaemlékező utazáson
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Ep 103 - Half Blood Prince 14: Eat The Fucking Canaries ft. Swish & Flick
The *longest* awaited collab - we're FINALLY sitting down and chatting with Meg & Kate from Swish & Flick! We're drinking Schofferhofer and chatting about chapter 14 of Half Blood Prince. We're discussing Ron & Hermione's romance, gamp's law again, and male emotions.
https://www.swishflickcast.com/
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Ep 102 - Half Blood Prince 13: For Alex
This episode is dedicated to Alex, a member of our community who sadly passed away last year. Our fundraiser for Mermaids is linked below.
Content warnings:
Suicide & transphobia - 11 minutes to 17:15, and 44:55 to 47
Wretching noises - 19:30 to 24:30
Mermaids Fundraiser for Alex - https://www.gofundme.com/f/2s554-in-memory-of-alex
The Gayly Prophet's Guide To Firing JK Rowling - https://hashtagruthless.com/
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Ep 101 - Half Blood Prince 12: Virgin And Buried ft. The Gayly Prophet
Hello hello! In today's episode we're *finally* sitting down with Lark and Jessie from The Gayly Prophet to discuss chapter 12 of The Half Blood Prince. We're drinking Orange Blossom's and talking about drunk McGonagall, how inventing spells work, and the invisible curriculum.
The Gayly Prophet - https://hashtagruthless.com/
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Ep 100 - Half Blood Prince 11: LIVE FROM LEAKYCON! - Disgusting Creature & Where To Discover Them
100TH EPISODE! We did this 100 times and NO ONE STOPPED US! Including the Leakycon staff who LET US DO IT LIVE AT LEAKYCON! Join us live as we discuss chapter 11, quidditch tryouts, Harry trampling first years, Hagrid, and time turners.
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Ep 99 - Half Blood Prince 10: I Don’t Care If They’re Stuck In The Washing Machine, Put Your Penis Away
Oooh, what's occur gin? HELLO! We're back for our first episode post-Leaky! We're doing our Leakycon recap as well as discussing chapter 10 of Half-Blood Prince. We're talking about how incest is bad (shocking I know), Bob's big dick energy, the Pensieve auto-playing, love potions, and how Voldemort is a cranky dude who loves murder.
Content Warning: Domestic and sexual violence throughout the episode especially from 1 hour in.
All the fabulous people we mentioned from Leakycon:
Fanatical Fics - https://www.fanaticalfics.com/
WZRD Radio Podcast - https://wzrdradiopod.com/
Swish & Flick - https://www.swishflickcast.com/
Potterless - https://www.potterlesspodcast.com/
Tonks & The Aurors - https://www.tonksandtheaurors.com/
How Airplanes Fly - https://howairplanesfly.bandcamp.com/
Lauren Fairweather - https://www.laurenfairweather.com/
Hawthorn and Holly - https://hawthornandholly.com/
Chanel Williams - https://www.instagram.com/chanwills/?hl=en
Cherry Wallis - https://www.instagram.com/cherrywallis/?hl=en
Rhonda - https://twitter.com/KimsMom3
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Ep 98 - Half Blood Prince 9: Mr Big Schlong ft. Nikita
Welcome welcome to another guest episode! This week we're chatting to our friend Nikita about chapter 9 whilst drinking Pimms in excruciating heat. We discuss body fluids, school timetables and free periods, Ron side-kicking, genetics, and overall poor teaching.
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Ep 97 - Half Blood Prince 8: Tubby Custard Love
ELLO ELLO! We drank Amortentia and we didn't fall in love! Hurray! In today's episode we're inventing amortentia drinks and chatting about patronuses, non-uniform day, and the ever-changing layout of the great hall.
Leakycon Schedule: http://www.leakycon.com/orlando-2022-schedule/
Leakycon Tickets (use code GOBLET for $10 off): https://www.showclix.com/event/leakycon21-orlando/tag/topnav
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Ep 96 - Half Blood Prince 7: Possessed By A Seagull
It's been months since we recorded, we are back and we're drinking tubby custard (or amaretto sours as it's also known). In this episode, we talk about chapter 7 of Half Blood Prince, with added eggs, Harry's incredible character growth (sometimes), how hot Blaise Zabini is and how much everyone dunks on Tonks.
Leakycon Schedule: http://www.leakycon.com/orlando-2022-schedule/
Leakycon Tickets (use code GOBLET for $10 off): https://www.showclix.com/event/leakycon21-orlando/tag/topnav
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Ep 95 - Half Blood Prince 6: Big Nose Sexy Man
We're back, and just us! In today's episode we're covering chapter 6 of HBP, and talking about the weird people we fancy, Hermione's parents, how we fall asleep tonight, and LOVE POTIONS!
Content Warning: 57 minutes - rape
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Ep 94 - Half Blood Prince 5 (Part 2): Harry’s Morning Wood ft. Flyte
Hello and welcome back to another episode with Will & Nick from Flyte! We are *ridiculously* smashed in this episode, so slurring our way through the rest of chapter five, talking about Harry's boner, exam results, Fleur, and Mollywobbles.
Fltye's music - https://open.spotify.com/artist/3ZKyADicHqelBDeADLutiu?si=W5QgbxigRvuU6QZShs4t0A
Flyte's Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/__flyte__/
Flyte's Twitter - https://twitter.com/Flyteband
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Ep 93 - Half Blood Prince 5 (Part 1): Just Blow On It, You're A Wizard! ft. Flyte
Well Hey, Hi and Hello it's time for episode 93! In today's episode we're joined by the wonderful band Flyte to discuss a very small amount of Chapter 5 - An Excess of Phlegm. We discuss the word phlegm, Hermione's apparent lack of parents, really hot soup and get beautifully serenaded by Will and Nick.
Fltye's music - https://open.spotify.com/artist/3ZKyADicHqelBDeADLutiu?si=W5QgbxigRvuU6QZShs4t0A
Flyte's Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/__flyte__/
Flyte's Twitter - https://twitter.com/Flyteband
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Ep 92 - Half Blood Prince 4: Horace Slughorn Is In Your Walls
Ep 91 - Half Blood Prince 3: Hannah Drinks Covid & Fecal Matter
Velkommen tilbake til en ny episode! I dagens episode fornærmer vi hele Norge, Hannah drikker COVID og fekal materie, vi diskuterer å nå en million nedlastinger og snakker om å besøke farealliert.
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Ep 90 - Half Blood Prince 2: For Abby
Ep 89 - Half Blood Prince 1: Really Dangerous Soup
SZN SIX BBY! We're kicking off Half-Blood Prince drinking jam out of a teapot (ofc) and encouraging you not to engage with JK Rowling's content. We 👏 don't 👏 support 👏 terfs 👏 on 👏 this 👏 podcast 👏. We're discussing our memories of book 6 whilst reading one of our favourite chapters, The Other Minister.
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Ep 88 - Order of the Phoenix: Reading Our Howlers
What's this?! A new episode format, wow! We're wrapping up season 5 of the podcast with a first-ever listener phone in episode! A GIANT thank you to Alex, Anna, Arthur, Cameron, Indiana, Jessica, Klaudia, Mark, Megan, Nahima, Nicole, Olivia, Rachel, Rhiannon, Spencer, Sunny, Uncle A for their howlers.
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Ep 87 - Order of the Phoenix Film: He's Really Proud Of His Owls Ft. Conor
It's film episode timeeeee. Featuring...A WHITE MAN! *gasp* Yup, y'all get to 'meet' Charlie's BF Conor, what a big step, wow. We chat about the Order Of The Pheonix film whilst drinking some bastardised Guiness drinks and about Ron being minimised, fake feet, and Harry's owl drawings.
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Ep 86 - Order of the Phoenix 38: Insert Speculum, Twist Speculum
IT'S THE FINAL CHAPTERRRR! That's right we've *finally* finished Order of the Pheonix, and it only took us...two years? Strap in for us drinking Guinness, announcing the winner of the house cup, talking about Harry finding the mirror, Luna being bullied, Ginny being a slut, and answering the funniest end of episode question we've ever had.
Wanna send us a howler? And be featured in an episode of Goblet of Wine? Now’s your chance!
- We’re accepting voice notes about anything to do with Order Of The Phoenix! This could be theories, head canons, things we missed, questions, anything! If you’re the kind of person that listens to us and has to stop yourself replying out loud, now is your chance!
- We’d love voice notes (your phone audio will do just nicely) however if you’re really shy, we can read out an email
- Tips for sound quality: don’t record in large, echoy rooms, don’t be too far or too close from the microphone. Style it out Harry Potter style and record in the cupboard under your stairs, closet, or under the duvet covers.
- Please try to keep them within 2 minutes. We won’t blame you if they’re 2:23 seconds. But please don’t send 15 minute voice notes or we won’t be able to fit everyone in.
- Howlers must be sent by email attachment to gobletofwinepodcast@gmail.com by the 11th of March with the subject ‘howler for your attention’
- Please don’t actually yell at us. We’re very fragile.
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Ep 85 - Order of the Phoenix 37: “Gaslight, Girlboss, Gatekeep” - Dumbledore
Strap yourselves in for a lomg but gud episode! We're chatting about the cluster fuck that is chapter 37 whilst drinking Cranberry Vodka. So settle in as we discuss Phineas being a gossiping homosexual, Harry never asking about his parents, Dumbledore's porn addiction, and how shit the epilogue is. Hannah goes full Hannah and has made an entirely timeline of the last few chapters events (link below), Charlie goes full Charlie by making a bunch of references to different media, and we go Goblet of Wine by attempting to direct an entire scene of our imaginary HP TV show.
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