Going Terribly

Alice has BIG NEWS. Doug has BIG NOODS. Praise Cheeses, hallowed be Thy name.

Other discussion topics may include:

- The right and wrong way to make a chicken apple pie

- Houses with legs: What could they mean?

- A recap of recent foot long foods

- God's disappointment in particular vegan products

- Nearly as much useful information as an average packet of noodles

To what extent do you dry off after a shower? Where do you get dressed? Will you step aside when you reach a certain age? And where dat pre-buttcrack at?

All these important questions and more will be broached, discussed, and destroyed in this very inquisitive episode of Going Terribly.

Other discussion topics may include:

- What do John Cena and Reba McEntire have in common?

- The 19-year anniversary of us all learning about elephants' long trunks

- How to avoid getting poop knucked

- Using a fan and your own wet body to create a delicate mist for everyone to enjoy

- All of this, but, for today only, say it in Shakespearian, please

You know what sucks? Taxes. Even worse? The obfuscating way taxes have to be calculated. Even worse? The rigmarole surrounding how to actually make the payment straight to the IRS without buying $200's worth of supposedly free tax prep software!

Happy Day After Tax Day, y'all. Hope you remitted your payments in time!

Other discussion topics may include:

- Is Ringo Starr currently the second best looking Beatle?

- What would Donkey Kong sound like beatboxing? You'll see.

- The unexpected uncovering of Jon Cryer and Martin Lawrence as long lost twins

- A terrible (but kinda great) "silent" radio film

- Famous American ukulele players, such as...Mick Foley and Tackleberry from Police Academy? No, that can't be right.

Going Terribly is a podcast that aims to provide weekly comfort to our listeners in the form of silly laughs, day-to-day nothings, obscure information, and poop jokes.

Unfortunately, last year, we had a guest on our podcast who now faces some serious accusations of inappropriate behavior from a number of victims. It is our opinion that this particular episode has not aged well and has the possibility of being triggering for many listeners, including its hosts.

We have decided to take down Episode 80 of Going Terribly. We stand with survivors of abuse and will continue to attempt to offer a safe and silly place for our listeners.

How many times can Alice be incorrect in this episode? The answer may astound you.

Other discussion topics may include:

- An introduction Mr. and the whole Magoo family

- The military's obsession with f bombs in their acronyms

- Acclaimed British actor Daniel Craig's daughter

- How to start a proper Crispix Bonanza

- Information on the long-forgotten Knuckle Frappuccino Cappuccino

Hey, so have you all, like, heard of this guy, Joe Maldonado, who was in charge of, like a park for exotic animals, but then killed a bunch of horses to feed his tigers, and then he got caught trying to, like, kill his rival, who may or may not have killed her first husband decades ago?

Catch all the hottest news here on It Went Terribly!

Other discussion topics may include:

- How to get your new dentist to break up with your old dentist

- The innate desire to see a tiger licking an ice cream cone

- Children Farms vs. Farms of Children: The importance of phrasing

- Groomed Chipmunks

- The hot new game craze that's sweeping the nation: Thunder, Truck, or Fart?!

Easter is coming early this year. Get your eggs and your eclipse glasses cuz the future is nigh(t)...

Other discussion topics may include:

- Rippin' burlap, dropping jet fuel, and other anal logic

- Complicated churro relationships

- Officially welcoming Christ back to the cream

- How to go from not knowing a thing about business humanities to teaching a class on it in six short hours

- New Yum City!!!

Doug and Alice are in da house with special guest, the Artist Formerly Known as The Notorious R.E.D. Gennie Adams. It's a St. Patrick's Day celebration! A couple days late, but games still needed playing and poor Irish accents needed to be heard.

Hear Gennie regale the audience with the tale of how Alice and Doug played passive matchmakers, culminating in Gennie's upcoming nuptials. During which she's officially agreed to play the Going Terribly Games: Home Edition.

Other discussion topics may include:

- How many celebrities are older than Kurt Russell?

- The Evanston Teenage Girls Arm Wrestling Tournament

- Easter egg flavored soft serve ice cream

- Can anything compare to a boxed bunny?

- Smushing famous Irish people

GRWU as we flex our conversational skillz with such topics as the Communist Revolution (ick), Gen Z slang (bussin'!), and why cumin is the most underrated spice (no cap).

Other discussion topics may include:

- When the heck are Katie Holmes and Pacey (or even Dawson!) gonna get back together?

- A celebration of forgotten doo wop group "The Ho Tones" and their variety of leaders

- Bologna, darkened with love

- How many hamsters is your horse's penis?

- Meat Madness

Is today a great day or a terrible day? Alice and Doug make their respective cases, and they'll let you decide. It really comes down to beach house sex vs. revolutionary massacres.

Other discussion topics may include:

- Chex: Underrated treat or complete waste of time?

- Sex-crazed faeries and White House raccoons

- How to clone old summer camp friends using just an old envelope

- A very topical bit about hip, upcoming band Fleetwood Mac

- A "double release day," so to speak

It's a Great Day for Semi-Recent Semi-Decent Words for Duds with Gross ASMR!

Other discussion topics may include:

- Pimple popping videos (which you will absolutely, without question, never see here)

- Cute little vertigo puppies

- Be careful about touching anything a 60-year old man in a kilt has just touched

- Who is the best person to leave a nuclear warhead to in your will?

- Beyonsleigh

We're one-hundred-seventy-seven episodes in. When are we gonna get some dang celebrities up in this bish? No offense to anyone who's ever been on...we love you!!!

Other discussion topics may include:

- It's everyone's birthday today. Maybe even yours!

- Stephen Marbury vs. Any U.S. President: Who Was the Better American?

- High School Musical: The Musical: The Series: The Actress: The Reference

- A White Castle Valentine's Recap (seriously, there's not a joke there)

- Do you think Cindy Crawford is into poop jokes?

Congratulations to newly affianced, long-time guests, Gennie Adams & Josh Weiland! Say YOU DO to their engagement, Valentine's Day, and Josh's birthday with obscure and disturbing wedding traditions, obscure and disturbing sexual positions, and obscure and disturbing quirks of language. I mean, come on, French, what gives?

Other discussion topics may include:

- A visit to a Mumbai Wrist Locker for some Democratic Bliss

- What is the most interesting bass fishing podcast?

- Power bottom houses

- How to show love and support for your daughter with an affectionate loogie

- What is your favorite flavor of pre-nup juice?

***Our sincerest apologies for an insensitive joke made about a celebrity whose death was announced today. We recorded the episode prior to this news, and we are embarrassed to have made light while the celebrity and their family were going through physical and emotional turmoil. We wish solace to them.***

It's time for It Went Terribly, and it just gets terribler every time! How terribly can it get? It's the birthday of two historical baddies-by-circumstance, so we'll let you guess...

Other discussion topics may include:

- How much voodoo equipment must one own to be considered a threat to national security?

- That sweet sweet urinal cake flavor

- Artificial semen and legitimate human blood

- The ongoing war against all Nellies

- How "WAP" gets even more filthy when you swap the acronym around

Her childhood beginnings have caught up with Alice's present in the cutest way. Meanwhile, Doug has a new obsession with executing corpses.

Together, they recently visited St. Louis (and St. Charles!), Missouri, where they encountered cartwheels, grilled pineapple, and possibly the greatest public restroom of all time.

Other discussion topics may include:

- How much ad libbing can you do while recording audiobooks?

- Another game you can play at home - and probably should - but probably won't

- Bougie things like avocado toast, cobblestone streets, and mandated herpes tests

- Plenty of history lessons, including notable bigoted cracker Adolf Hitler

- Taint songs. Sorry.

It's Doug's birthday! There are gifts, goodies, and even a little Tiffani Thiessen for good measure.

Other discussion topics may include:

- How to throw children the good way

- Nomar Garciaparra: Bostonian Home Run Home Wrecker

- Pooed, gooed, and sewed shirts

- A very brief aside about John Hancock, because history is kind of important, too

- Ultimate Chicken Horse

Alice has a huge confession to make. Doug has some assorted fruit and/or savory (not) cookies to pitch. And they're both just hoping to not get Benned over.

Other discussion topics may include:

- A slew of amazing entrepreneury ideas you can feel free to steal

- Mac and cheese socks

- The original French hustlers

- Willy nilly Jabberwockies

- How do they find the perfect frozen lakes to build hockey arenas around?

Alice finally gets her comeuppance for that communal work refrigerator gaffe, and Doug...gets a yellow Starburst??!?! GROSS! OH THE HUMANITY!

Other discussion topics may include:

- American First Lady Voodoo Dolls

- Home security, by means of putrid eggs

- The unspoken benefits of cheese, including not making you poop as much

- Good Pizza, Great Pizza, Salmonella Pizza

- A day-late celebration of spreading some sweet, sweet germs all over the place

Candi and Jason Vincent join Doug and Alice once again for some New Year's festivities. They talk about balls, both dropped and otherwise. As well as planes that everyone darn well hopes don't drop.

Other discussion topics may include:

- Boob gardens and kumquatades

- Have you ever given someone an organ for Valentine's Day?*

- Entirely understandable plagues sent to Texas

- The Great Mailbox Tragedy of 2023

- Bodily fluids: fake, real, and alcoholic

*Don't be a pervert

Alice and Doug welcome brand new guests Brian Boitano* and Jenna Jameson** into the studio for a single day belated Christmas edition of Going Terribly!

Nude modeling is discussed, so divert the ears of little elves. Games are played, but obviously they don't let Rudolph join in. Balls are devoured, but that's something else entirely.

Other discussion topics may include:

- What do some celebrities have in common with Jesus? (spoiler: it's more than you'd think!***)

- How to buy some old dead guy's books

- A PSA that if you have a Baskin Robbins on the east side of your town, it might already be closed

- Does all kink have to be done in a dungeon?

- Chocolate balls

* not really - it's Bryan Gish!

** really, not really - it's Jenna Citrus!

*** actually, really!

Have yourself a good, old-fashioned Multicultural Date Night™ by sampling dragon fruit, marinating pig ears, and steeping blank white printer paper in herbal jelly tea to make old-timey-looking love letters.

Other discussion topics may include:

- How to cut yourself on jelly

- Anti-anxiety cat medications and anti-sincerity standing ovations

- The unforgivable sin of talking over a concert

- Virtually real vampire women and completely real celebrity duplicates

- Behind a DJ's xiphoid process

Going Terribly brings you an all new, irresistible, irrepressible olfactory experience: Decay NY. It's gonna be a thing.

Other discussion topics may include:

- How would you like to rub pea all over you?

- The complete lack of Family Matters in a particular Christmas movie

- If they figured out the technical end of things, wouldn't you want a chicken strip house?

- Cologna and cheese sandwiches

- How the absolute agony that the COVID vaccines put you through can help save lives, probably.

What's your giant soft pretzel of choice? Big Amish Ben's or Auntie Anne Hathaway's?

Other discussion topics may include:

- What are minor celebrities like Patrick J. Wilson and Thomas Jefferson up to these days?

- The midwest and its boundless love affair with dough

- An episode made entirely in the dark. Not that that really means anything to you.

- The necessity/joy of blaming huge farts on tiny dogs

- Printing

It's almost Thanksgiving, and we're thankful for hot takes, St. Martin's Hole, and French words to describe quintessentially American concepts.

Other discussion topics may include:

- National Gingerbread Cookie Day...for whatever reason

- How often should one wash, trash, and/or apologize for one's pillow?

- A John Lennon tribute and a Goldie Hawn brief mention

- So much gastric physiological discomfort

- How many platefuls of food does it take to temporarily forget about genocide?

It's Alice's birthday this Friday! But we're NOT making a big deal out of it!

I mean, we could make a BIT of a big deal out of it, gawd, is that too much to ask?!?!

Other discussion topics may include:

- Several questionable impressions, none more disturbing than an unfortunate Nicolas Cage

- Tracking other people's menstrual cycles (as a positive)

- A gluten-packed attempt at securing a better grade

- Super powers, such as eating entire rotisserie chickens and filling toilets (no relation)

- Faces full of juice and butts full of dead boyfriends

Did you ever think watching some actors recite Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven" on a dark, windy boat ride would scare you out of your living wits?

Well, it could. I mean, it's designed to.

Other discussion topics may include:

- An Introduction to Earl the Adventure Chicken

- How to (sort of) brilliantly (sort of) avoid copyright infringement

- The depressing side of instant pudding

- Mickey Mouse-hosted horror film festivals

- Multiple pants-around-the-ankles stories

Our King of the Food Court, Andy Jones, is turning the Big 6-0 today!

Wouldn't it have been cool if we had planned it better so that his 60th would land on our 160th episode?

Well, anyway...

Other discussion topics may include:

- What do certain hotel elevators and all outhouses have in common?

- Shocking stockings

- The alluring, law-breaking beauty of giraffe feces

- Pedal-powered female devices...no, this is not the same thing as shocking stockings

- Happy Wear a Hat to Denny's Day!

October 10th is World Mental Health Day, so let's take a journey down the rabbit hole of Doug's kindergarten trauma... That actually sounds like a pretty cool virtual reality game.

Other discussion topics may include:

- The adorableness of triceracowphins

- 3D puzzles, virtual golf, and metaphorical lockers

- A solid 20 minutes on birthday boy Mario Lopez

- The unbelievable inconvenience of only getting a one hour lunch break

- Showing off that foliage and regrowing that lawn. Wink.

Oh the things you learn on It Went Terribly. Like how hardass pop-rock musician Ben Folds might be the Robert Todd Lincoln of his day? And if you don't know what that means, what are you even doing here?

Other discussion topics may include:

- Tom Cruise height without Tom Cruise talent

- Porn vs. Gardening

- Was Alan Thicke a better sitcom dad or real-life dad?

- Taking back "Karen"/Offering "Calandaloy"

- Hang that wang in Vermont, because nobody's watching anyway

Alice and Doug discuss the revolutionizing of TV -- from Adam West's holy Batman (or is it Joker?), to Megan Mullaly's mellifluous Karen on Will & Grace, to of course, Jack Black and Jimmy Fallon's shot-for-shot remake of Extreme's "More Than Words" music video, which let's be honest, is NSFW.

Other discussion topics may include:

- An examination of britches, knickers, and bloomers. For ticks.

- Does The Lord of the Flies have more insects or incest?

- How to make a truly terrible escort website profile

- Have you become more or less carnal as you've aged?

- A celebration of National Cheeseburger Day, featuring the chopped beef of John Bobbitt

Do you ever forget what day it is? Or what month it is? Or just have general problems with the space-time continuum? Well, make sure you check those coupon expiration dates.

And stick around to the very end for another Classic Alice Bonehead Moment LIVE!

Other discussion topics may include:

- Observing the musical genius of Simon & Garfunkel, Ricky Martin, and Shared Dementia

- Deceivingly named non-egg products

- A celebration of Jennifer Nettles and James McCartney being alive...whoever they are

- Why female serial killers are so hard to come by

- Has Ben Folds been playing the same concert in Virginia for the past two decades?

This episode is full of lies. Damned and otherwise.

Other discussion topics may include:

- Fans vs. Listeners vs. Detractors: What does this podcast have the most of?

- John Kerry's dirty little (probably entirely fabricated) secrets

- Exactly how dangerous were the Berenstain Bears, and can you invite them into your Detroit home?

- Actors who look like presidents' sons

- A quick, yet comprehensive comparison of poops to pencils

So Bob Barker's dead. And for once, we had nothing to do with it whatsoever!!! Do y'all think maybe he's been a dead a while, but his publicity team purposely didn't announce it until close to his 100th birthday for obvious $1.00 bidding parallel?

Trap, neuter, and return, y'all.

Other discussion topics may include:

- How many Spidermens was Toblerone McGuire in?

- What do The Exorcist and Boy Meets World have in common?*

- Two weddings and so many celebrity funerals

- What do The Flintstones and The Human Centipede have in common?**

- Champagne wishes and Johnny Puke dreams

*Spoiler: Nothing, really.

**Spoiler: More than you'd think, if your brain is warped enough

There's a really cool segment this week. Doug is the best at making games. And Alice is the best at playing them. But not this time. Has girl ever even heard of 20 Questions?

Other discussion topics may include:

- Kidney transplant or a Harry and the Hendersons DVD: which is more important to you?

- Fantastic food deals, such as $5 hamburgers and free frogs with your packaged spinach

- Do cities give out literal keys? Or is it, like, certificates, snow globes, and whole hoofs?

- Owl porn impressions

- Do pandas even exist? Or are they just humans dressed up in panda costumes?

Happy 150 Episodes to us! And who better to celebrate with than not-a-bastard, not-an-orphan, and definitely not-the-son-of-a-whore, Alexander Hellenberg! He's writing a mobster pirate musical! I mean, he's basically LMM himself.

Other discussion topics may include:

- Giant orange heads and other rashes of prickly misfortune

- The continued pitch for future hot spot "Hellaburgers"

- A very sad (and filthy) story about a manatee

- Tampon defenestrations

- A celebration of the southern US and its women, from beach to peach

Follow Rum Runners here! https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100091729314382

Do you ever feel like the world revolves around you? Well, it certainly did for Robert Todd Lincoln AKA The Angel of Death. Come learn of the macabre curse that was responsible (possibly) for the deaths of no fewer than three American presidents! And a Beatle even!

Other discussion topics may include:

- A celebration of musical legends, like Drew Lachey and Rhea Perlman

- Presidential assassinations and other forms of light porch vandalism

- Three words: Gangster Rain Man

- Do short people *actually* age? Or is it all a hoax?

- Tales of the finger pickin', the oyster lickin', and the curse stricken

This is one of those episodes where you'll LEARN ALL THE THINGS! About the invention of the first home pregnancy test, the blood type that most attracts mosquitos, and the deadliest animal in the United States... and no, it's not the mosquito even though it should be! Those buttfaces.

Other discussion topics may include:

- Ask your personal physician if hitting a deer with a motor vehicle is right for you

- Could Elon Musk give you skin cancer?*

- The embarrassment of losing a Grammy to an incest song

- A spoiler about the ending of Oppenheimer. But not really.**

- Finally, a 100% excusable reason to do a Bill Cosby impression

*We're not saying he will. We're just presenting the question.

**But kinda?

Do you ever have a poop, and you look at it, and you just think, damn, that's a nice-looking poop? Well if not, you're missing out!

Other discussion topics may include:

- Real cool times, featuring frozen blood and scum dances

- Dollops vs. Smooth coils: How do you like yours?

- The crime busting secrets of national dog networks

- Why Snow White has been the true villain all along

- How much dairy is too much dairy, or The Nation Alice Cream Crawl's first known casualty

Alice has actually been away in the Southern Tier of New York for the past two and a half weeks, and we didn't miss an episode! We're just that good. To reward us, listen to Alice tiptoe around why she doesn't like Mexican food.

Other discussion topics may include:

- The sweetest things: Sugar water, baby churros, and blood

- Ignoring the Mandela Effect, but exploring the Ospreay Effect

- An incredible (and terrible) idea for a cruise ship university

- Parallel parking at gas pumps

- Tot flights, impossible beef, and other things that sound like something they're not

It's time for everybody's favorite segment: It Went Terribly! And it's a week late because last week was Independence Day. Or should we say it's "a week before the Ides of July" because the ancient Romans liked to refer to numbers backwards like that?

Other discussion topics may include:

- Do you have a difficult time controlling your front fart volume?

- Recent news about Julius Caesar's stabbing (no, really)

- Ham sandwich lies

- Dementia, abortion, overdoses, and other topics you didn't expect

- But also, kangaroo balls

Let's have some real talk about America. The shootings. The jingoism. The lack of 1/4 and 1/3 cup markings on Pyrex liquid measuring cups.

Oh, you wanna hear dirty anagrams made out of presidents' names instead? Yeah, we can do that, too.

Other discussion topics may include:

- How to make enemies with every Bostonian celebrity ever

- The weaponization of pepperoni pizza

- The origin of the United States, from documents and tariffs to slave owning and cousin sexing

- Insurance ducks, moose parties, French licks, and other secret meats

- America's all-time most prestigious hornball maniac

SO MUCH SEMI-RECENT SEMI-DECENT NEWS! ICE CREAM! PLAYWRITING! 5 DOZEN CUPCAKES GONE MISSING!

AND VOTE FOR ALICE'S 20 SECONDS OF FAME HERE! HTTPS://PORTAL.LANIKAIUKULELES.COM/20-YEARS?SUBMISSION=1445480266

(YOU CAN EVEN VOTE MORE THAN ONCE WITH INCOGNITO BROWSER TABS! BUT YOU KNOW, DON'T GO DOING ANYTHING UNETHICAL...)

Other discussion topics may include:

- The legendary Filipino onion ice cream

- Machiavellian fishing tests

- How to pinch off pee, both literally and metaphorically

- Very last warnings, final songs, and second to last resting places

- Old German male names. Yes, including that one.

Did every 90s band have a song about abortion? And why are they all just objectively fantastic songs?

Other discussion topics may include:

- Amazing throats, and how they could be a bad thing

- The best banana-fish fruit on the market today

- Terrible ways to go, such as plane crashes, dying during childbirth, or getting sucked into a chocolate pipe

- The new game show craze: Bird Poop or Sunscreen?

- Three words: Dangly kangaroo balls

It's National Forklift Safety Day! So put on those wrist braces and compression sleeves and mouth guards and dental dams cuz you don't want an unsafe incident. Neither the string cheese nor spaghetti kind.

Other discussion topics may include:

- The eating of each other's sins...and other acts of love

- An apology to TBS. With caveats.

- Serious medical conditions, such as albinism, nutcoin, and jerkoff elbow

- A breakdown of all of Billy Joel's wives. No, seriously.

- Some very disappointing news about earwax

We here at Going Terribly have a history of jinxing beloved celebrities who die suddenly before their momentous birthdays, so to be safe, we have waited until our dear friend, Gennie Adams, was safely ensconced in her fifth decade before inviting her onto the podcast. Let's just hope she doesn't contract a touch of the gonorrhea from the muddy water that she'll be crawling through this weekend at the Spartan Beast race!

Other discussion topics may include:

- How to bring back the beloved deceased...and make them murderers

- Racing obstacles, such as fire jumps, monkey bars, and burping up breast milk

- Celebrating birthdays, but not a year of racists

- 911 or wrestling match: How would you recover a kidnapped relative?

- Poo Songs. Just click on the episode for more Poo Songs.

So ladies, do you ever have a front fart? Like a fart that instead of escaping out the back, burbles up the front? Alice can't be the only one, right?

Other discussion topics may include:

- Ode to a Korean corn dog

- The Federalist Papers. Whatever those are.

- Bulletproof wheat, Jewish mac and cheese, exploding cakes, and more things you may find at your local grocery

- An introduction to an innovative new shopping website: double-u, double-u, double-u, dot, Amazon, dot com

- What to do when your mouth is into it but your heart just isn't