Skip to main content
Halal Cartels

Halal Cartels

By Halal Cartels

Halal Cartels
Global hot takes from a couple local brown guys living in the center of a sundowning empire.
hosted by
Gabe Pacheco
Sameer Naseem,
And just like the Wu, we do it for the children

IG: @gabepac1
IG: @sameermon
Contact: Halalcartels@gmail.com
twitter: @halalcartels

www.patreon.com/Halalcartels

Intro Music by SAREEN @sareenpatel @Brownprivilege
Listen on SpotifySend voice message
Available on
Apple Podcasts Logo
Google Podcasts Logo
Pocket Casts Logo
RadioPublic Logo
Spotify Logo
Report content on Spotify
Currently playing episode

Give the Columbia kids cookies, learn about axolotls, and don't use Expedia

Halal Cartels Apr 29, 2024

00:00
55:29
Give the Columbia kids cookies, learn about axolotls, and don't use Expedia

Give the Columbia kids cookies, learn about axolotls, and don't use Expedia

The conversation revolves around the recent events at Columbia University and the broader implications of Ziontology and institutional control. The hosts discuss their experiences at Columbia, the encampments of activists, and the role of real estate moguls in the university. They also highlight the problematic behavior of Shai Davidai, an adjunct professor at Columbia, and the complicity of the university in allowing his actions. The conversation touches on the influence of Ziontology, the weaponization of free speech, and the need for divestment from institutions supporting oppressive regimes. They also discuss the interconnectedness of state-sponsored paramilitary groups, and the role of Israel in Latin America. The alignment of fundamentalist groups, the experience of traveling to Istanbul and Oaxaca, the disappointment with the movie Monkey Man, and the artist date concept.

Apr 29, 202455:29
Sipping Yemeni Coffee at Sleep No More While My Wife is in Jail and Diddy is Free

Sipping Yemeni Coffee at Sleep No More While My Wife is in Jail and Diddy is Free

The conversation begins with an introduction and a discussion about the Yemen crisis. The hosts then provide personal updates on their lives. They talk about their experiences with archery and their participation in an experiential theater production. They also compare their experiences with immersive performances like Sleep No More. The conversation concludes with a discussion about Diddy and conspiracy theories surrounding him. The conversation covers various topics, including rumors and secrets, exploitation and sex trafficking, reappraising Shug Knight, the pitfalls of child acting, gaslighting and jenni-side, the collapse of the Francis Scott Key Bridge, and Rami Malek's Saturday Night Live monologue. Throughout the conversation, there is a focus on uncovering hidden truths and shedding light on controversial issues.

Apr 01, 202401:02:16
Self-Immolation, Vice Media Left for Dead in Malaysia, A Soft and Quiet Zone of Interest

Self-Immolation, Vice Media Left for Dead in Malaysia, A Soft and Quiet Zone of Interest

Corrections: Anat Schwartz is 45, not 20 something. Even worst. And the man holding a gun on Aaron Bushnell was not a cop. He was probably an Israeli security guard. The conversation covers various topics, including self-immolation in protest, media coverage and suppression, the downfall of Vice Media, the importance of backing up digital content, virtual reality, the failure of corporations, and a controversial New York Times article. The conversation delves into the issue of fake news and unethical reporting by the New York Times. It highlights the debunking of a false story and the lack of fact-checking by the newspaper. The podcast 'Caliphate' is mentioned as another example of the New York Times' questionable reporting. The history of the New York Times in legitimizing the Iraq War and its biased agenda in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict are discussed. The conversation also includes movie reviews of 'Zone of Interest' and 'Soft and Quiet,' which draw parallels to the situation in Palestine.

00:00 Introduction and Self-Immolation in Protest
02:00 Media Coverage and Moral Clarity
03:49 Media Suppression and Self-Immolation Incidents
07:12 Farewell to Vice Media
09:02 The Importance of Backing Up Digital Content
10:28 Virtual Reality and Escaping the Real World
25:45 The Failure of Corporations and the Journalism Industry
28:12 Controversial New York Times Article
30:38 Debunking the New York Times' False Story
32:03 The New York Times as Fake News
33:00 Lack of Fact-Checking and Awards
33:30 Unethical and Shady Reporting
35:25 The New York Times' History of Fake News
36:23 The New York Times' Caliphate Podcast Scandal
37:21 The New York Times' Lack of Fact-Checking
39:17 The New York Times' Role in Legitimizing the Iraq War
40:16 The New York Times' Agenda in the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
42:11 The Movie 'Zone of Interest' and the Parallel with Palestine
43:01 The Movie 'Soft and Quiet' and Banal Evil
Feb 27, 202401:02:59
Something Stinks at Columbia University but Thailand rules! (Feat. Davidson Boswell)

Something Stinks at Columbia University but Thailand rules! (Feat. Davidson Boswell)

On this episode, Gabe and Sameer have comedian Davidson Boswell on the podcast. He joins us after recently returning from performing comedy for a couple months in Thailand. We learn more about performing comedy abroad and his travels in Asia.

We also talk about the protests at Columbia University, the "skunk water" attacks from IDF soldiers who happen to also go to school there and the non-existent response from the administration.

NOTE: Sameer's mic crapped out toward the end of the episode and we had to make the tough call of still publishing it after it wasn't salvagable. Don't worry, we figured out the problem and it won't be an issue next episode.

Follow Davidson on IG and TikTok: @davidsonboswell

Follow Gabe on IG @Gabepac1 and Twitter @gabe_pacheco

Follow Sameer on IG and Twitter @Sameermon



Feb 01, 202458:19
Freddy G's Reading List

Freddy G's Reading List

On the first episode of 2024 the fellas have comedian Freddy G on the podcast. They talk about Gabe's trip to New Orleans, Freddy going to a Zionist school growing up, his trip to Israel on "Birth Right" and some crucial books to read that had a major impact on him.

If you like the podcast please Like, Subscribe, REVIEW and most importantly share it with your friends and loved ones.

You can find Freddy G on all platforms @FreddyG

Gabe @gabepac1 and Sameer @sameermon on IG


Jan 10, 202457:40
War Crimes Lawyers, Unerotic Dutch People, Jews for Peace w/ Jess Salomon

War Crimes Lawyers, Unerotic Dutch People, Jews for Peace w/ Jess Salomon

This week we sit down with comedian, lawyer, and keyboard warrior Jess Salomon. We talk about life working at the Hague, Jewish summer camps, trips to Gaza, being married to a Palestinian woman, the Artist's Way, human rights, and being a Jewish person who isn't into Zionism. Jess Salomon is a New York based Canadian comedian, who has appeared on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.

She’s been a Stand Up NBC finalist, done lots of cool festivals including Just for Laughs. Her debut album, “All the Best Choices” came out in 2019 with label, 800 Pound Gorilla which will soon release her debut comedy special and second album, "Sad Witch".

You can also watch her comedy special, “Marriage of Convenience” on the Just for Laugh’s YouTube channel, recorded with her wife as part of their duo act @theelsalomons.

Fun fact: before comedy Jess used to be a U.N. war crimes lawyer. The jury is still out on whether this was a good move.

We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord IG: @gabepac1 twitter: @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher
Nov 17, 202301:06:39
Welcome To Soldiers of Light Radio feat. Luisa Diez

Welcome To Soldiers of Light Radio feat. Luisa Diez

Recorded October 26, 2023.
The response from Israel post October 7th has been devastating on civilians, especially children in Palestine. Gabe and Sameer have Luisa (their favorite guest) from Why You Mad podcast to talk about the current climate in the United States and abroad.
They discuss the immediate McCarthyist attempts at silencing people who question the indiscriminate killing of civilians by Israel as "self defense" in the entertainment industry (among many others)
They discuss various attempts at pink-washing and delegitimizing protest to attempt to force Americans to acquiesce and allow a genocide. We urge you to do regarding this subject matter, the kind one used to do at a library, not the kind people do on Instagram via memes.
Sameer talks about how Joe Biden spit in the face of Muslims and Arabs across the US and how as a community he has seen them vow not to vote Democrat ever again.
They also discuss the article from the New Yorker about Hasan Minhaj and how it was a hit piece along with his response video with receipts.
Some immediate moves you can make to help:
Demand an immediate ceasefire by calling an writing to your reps. www.jewishvoiceforpeace.org/resource/call-congress-support-ceasefire/
Educate your family and friends about the evils of the occupation.
March at protests, speak up online.
Donate to families in Palestine irusa.org/middle-east/palestine/

You can find Gabe @gabepac1 Sameer @sameermon and Luisa @luisadieznuts on Instagram
Catch more of Luisa by listening to Why You Mad Podcast episodes bit.ly/3QBYt3N
Oct 31, 202301:21:26
The Open Air Prison Jail Break Episode

The Open Air Prison Jail Break Episode

Recorded October 19th
Sameer and Gabe talk about the October 7th attack from Hamas on Israel. Sameer talks about growing up in a mixed community and learning about the conditions in the West Bank at a young age. They fellas discuss the occupation and the consequences of the attack. Mostly, the fellas had no idea what was about to transpire in the days following. Stay tuned to future episodes for more updates as things unfold.
In advance of being trolled for our dialogue about this subject, we want to make sure that everyone knows that our point of view is that every human being should have freedom and be free of occupation. We value all human life, even those that we might politically disagree with.
Our episodes are free but we have a Patreon for fans to support the podcast. In lieu of joining the Patreon today we kindly ask that you donate money to Palestine Children's Relief Fund at the link below.
pcrf1.app.neoncrm.com/forms/gaza-relief
If you are unable to donate money, please make it a point to speak up and educate people on historic misconceptions caused by propaganda, harmful racial stereotypes that dehumanize people and the occupation in general.
And as always, be kind to each other and build bridges.
You can follow Gabe @gabepac1 and Sameer @sameermon on Instagram.
Share, Like and Review this podcast if you like it.
Oct 24, 202359:42
The Guys Were Just Marinating In Medellin and Escaping An Earthquake in Marrakech

The Guys Were Just Marinating In Medellin and Escaping An Earthquake in Marrakech

Gabe and Sameer are reunited after simultaneous expeditions to North Africa and South America. Gabe talks about the complicated perception of Pablo Escobar, gives a little insight into the sights and tastes of modern day Medellin. Sameer talks about his trip to Marrakech, Morocco and getting injured in a foreign country and leaving just before a catastrophic earthquake pummeled the Atlas Mountains and surrounding areas.
Donate to Doctor's Without Borders to help with relief efforts in Morocco here: bit.ly/3PIxwuB
Follow Sameer @sameermon and Gabe @gabepac1 on IG

Also, huge news! We've started a newsletter and we're going to start posting photos, links to some of the insane things we talk about and other extras there. Head on over to our Substack and subscribe for a weekly newseltter/reminder when our new episodes drop!

Check out Sameer and Gabe's weekly Brooklyn stand-up comedy show called Funhouse every Wednesday night at 10pm at Pete's Candy Store in Williamsburg.

Sep 19, 202301:05:03
Dating single moms and welcoming the aliens with Rojo Perez

Dating single moms and welcoming the aliens with Rojo Perez

Follow this week's guest ROJO PEREZ We talk about dating, being creatively lost and found, witnessing the eye of a hurricane, fitness, being the cool uncle, partying in Puerto Rico and more... He's performing a new hour at Littlefield Tuesday 8/22/23 8pm We now have a Patreon Join to enter our Discord  IG: @gabepac1   twitter:  @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon  twitter: @sameermon  Twitter @halalcartels  MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege


Aug 18, 202343:46
Bird lice, proud moms, and sneaking away from the picnic to make babies

Bird lice, proud moms, and sneaking away from the picnic to make babies

Alabama beatdowns, strike news, pigeons living in the air-conditioner, summer picnics and more

We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord IG: @gabepac1
twitter: @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon twitter: @sameermon Twitter
@halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege
Aug 16, 202358:23
Episode 70! Airline meltdowns, Ocean toilets and Strikes

Episode 70! Airline meltdowns, Ocean toilets and Strikes

This week we talk about the airlines barely functioning and no one being held accountable, the effects of climate change and how epic rainfall is backing up sewers and ejecting sewage into the beaches on the East Coach and other great things like this.


Follow us on IG: @sameermon @gabepac1

Like, Comment and Subscribe.

Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts

OR just share your favorite episode with friends.

Jul 28, 202338:56
Leaky Buns in the Sensory Deprivation Tank and Punk Rock Museums in Las Vegas w/ Michael Friedrich

Leaky Buns in the Sensory Deprivation Tank and Punk Rock Museums in Las Vegas w/ Michael Friedrich

Guest this week Michael Friedrich. Journalist, Musician, friend of the pod. Stale punk consciousness at its eponymous museum in Las Vegas.

Read more: thebaffler.com/salvos/please-shill-me-friedrich We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord IG: @gabepac1
twitter: @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon twitter: @sameermon Twitter
@halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege
Jul 18, 202341:05
Midsummer Episode with Special Guests, the Comedy Outliers Brandon Collins and Mike Brown

Midsummer Episode with Special Guests, the Comedy Outliers Brandon Collins and Mike Brown

Gabe Pacheco this week with Brandon Collins @americancollins on IG and Mike Brown @yomikebrown on IG

Check them out live July 7th at Union Hall in BK 10pm

We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord  IG: @gabepac1   twitter:  @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon  twitter: @sameermon  Twitter @halalcartels  MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher


Jul 02, 202357:33
Ai Couple's Counselors and Naked Comedy Shows in the End Days

Ai Couple's Counselors and Naked Comedy Shows in the End Days

We are back!
Subscribe, Rate us on ITunes and Share with Friends!
Follow:
Gabe on IG @Gabepac1
Sameer on IG @Sameermon

See us perform live every week at Brooklyn's longest running weekly independent comedy show Funhouse comedy 10pm in Brooklyn at Pete's Candy Store
Jun 05, 202359:58
Lord of the Flies, Crowd Work Comics, Is China really that bad?, Russia is about to liquidate all their non-playable characters to feed the war machine.

Lord of the Flies, Crowd Work Comics, Is China really that bad?, Russia is about to liquidate all their non-playable characters to feed the war machine.

Gabe finally read Lord of the Flies and he talks about the real meaning of the book. Sameer tells an asinine story about a demented essay that he wrote about it that set his high school career off on the wrong foot.
Do all comedians lose their edge when they get rich? Gabe reviews Marlon Wayans new stand up special and why it rules.
Sameer talks about the impact of crowd work clippers on the art of live stand up comedy.
They talk about the threat of TikTok being banned in the US and how every election cycle centers a social platform to take down. Is TikTok a secret weapon?
Sameer and Gabe debate China and the USA and who’s worse for Muslims and the world in general.
They talk about the algorithm and how everything has become too h*rny these days.
Russia is about to draft and liquidate their non-playable characters to feed the war machine.

Subscribe, Rate us on ITunes and Share with Friends!
Follow:
Gabe on IG @Gabepac1
Sameer on IG @Sameermon

See us perform live every week at Brooklyn's longest running weekly independent comedy show Funhouse comedy 10pm in Brooklyn at Pete's Candy Store
Apr 03, 202301:08:05
Binghamton's Brightest Star Jim "Jim Jam" Search drops by for 90s Hip Hop talk, self-producing comedy albums, and tales of chapped lip New England state troopers

Binghamton's Brightest Star Jim "Jim Jam" Search drops by for 90s Hip Hop talk, self-producing comedy albums, and tales of chapped lip New England state troopers

Gabe Pacheco and comedian Jim Search from Swatches and Boomboxes Podcast sit down to talk about life, why you should listen to Griselda, recording comedy albums, and getting harassed by cops.
We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord IG: @gabepac1 twitter: @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher


Mar 11, 202354:58
Henry Rollins to Rogan Pipeline and Billionaire Vanity Islands w/ Journo Michael Friedrich

Henry Rollins to Rogan Pipeline and Billionaire Vanity Islands w/ Journo Michael Friedrich

Gabe and Sameer sit down with musician/journalist Michael Friedrich
We talk about Privatize public space urban renewal projects sterilizing the New York City, and the bittersweet legacy of the Gen X DIY punk rock ethos and it's elder statesman Henry Rollins.
Michael Friedrich linktr.ee/mfriedrichnyc?fbclid=PAAaYHvdWxgFgfAYNKNIQx8-n7l4aTxQvpaKKOGpvBhkmlOqR8Mtdxo-4fueQ
We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord IG: @gabepac1 twitter: @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher

Mar 01, 202357:44
Is Eating A$$$$ Halal? with Christiana Jackson

Is Eating A$$$$ Halal? with Christiana Jackson

This week's guest is the exuberant Christiana Jackson. A bawdy discussion on maintaining a healthy non-monogamous sex-life while juggling work and comedy. We also touch on growing up in racist suburbs of New Jersey and colorism in Mexico


Christiana Jackson IG @incomparablemsc
We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord IG: @gabepac1 twitter: @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher
Feb 21, 202301:01:38
Assaulted by street poetry, soggy Seattle zombieland, and the ugly truth about the Playboy Mansion

Assaulted by street poetry, soggy Seattle zombieland, and the ugly truth about the Playboy Mansion

We are back from time in the wilderness of the West Coast and working on a short film. Car troubles, street poetry, the tech dystopia of Seattle, the drug epidemic in Portland and San Francisco, fully automated grocery stores, and hotels, Hugh Hefner and the Playboy Mansion series on Hulu.
We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord IG: @gabepac1 twitter: @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher
Feb 17, 202352:01
Halal Small Talk and Cartel Menus w/guest Luisa Diez

Halal Small Talk and Cartel Menus w/guest Luisa Diez

Very special collaboration episode with Why You Mad podcast host Luisa Diez We cover Colin Quinn's new one-man show, Judith Light's happy marriage arrangement, and the film the Menu, now playing on HBO Max. We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord  IG: @gabepac1   twitter:  @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon  twitter: @sameermon  Twitter @halalcartels  MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher

Jan 12, 202301:09:05
Pyroclastic Flows, Rental Cars, Holiday at the Vatican, and Polar Vortices

Pyroclastic Flows, Rental Cars, Holiday at the Vatican, and Polar Vortices

this is the product you know and love Buying a used car in LA, driving it into the pacific and the lemon laws Another banger for your ears and brains. We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord IG: @gabepac1 twitter: @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher
Jan 05, 202357:45
Detroit Techno, Newark Urban Renewal, and Godfather 3 with Justin Williams

Detroit Techno, Newark Urban Renewal, and Godfather 3 with Justin Williams

Boom! From the Fraudsters Podcast, today's guest is Justin Williams.
We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord IG: @gabepac1 twitter: @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher
Dec 25, 202259:47
Dry Boy Thanksgiving in Qatar and Milking Snakes for Venom

Dry Boy Thanksgiving in Qatar and Milking Snakes for Venom

Triple-dem-ick!!!!
Watching the Shining in Español
Thanksgiving
FIFA
Dry Holiday in Qatar
Sameer’s Friends love non-alcoholic beer
Modern day slavery in the Gulf
Gabe is buying random spices
Dec 02, 202242:04
Black Licorice, Cop Gangs, Escaping Arranged Marriages and Embracing Bachelorhood (sry abt the audio)

Black Licorice, Cop Gangs, Escaping Arranged Marriages and Embracing Bachelorhood (sry abt the audio)

We apologize about the audio on this thang, but the content is strong in this one. See you next week with cleaner and crisper audio. Today we talk about the National Security Agency vs Buzzfeed, the origin of the FBI and their campaign against the Flores Magon brothers, cops in gangs, arranged marriages, no Nut November, and embracing bachelorhood We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord   IG: @gabepac1   twitter:  @ gabe_pacheco  IG: @sameermon  twitter: @sameermon   Twitter @halalcartels   MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher

Nov 10, 202201:01:02
Speaking in Tongues in Cuernavaca, Curbing Comedy Punishers, Toilet Wine is Haram, Being Polite is not a Virtue,

Speaking in Tongues in Cuernavaca, Curbing Comedy Punishers, Toilet Wine is Haram, Being Polite is not a Virtue,

How being polite will be your downfall. Punishers at comedy shows. Allergic reactions at languages schools. Evangelical faith healers pray over Gabe. Sameer's neighbor wants him to buy home made wine. We also roast the movie Top Gun: Maverick

We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord IG: @gabepac1 twitter: @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher

Oct 26, 202249:03
Spooky New England Bisques and Spicy Nigerian Pepper Soups

Spooky New England Bisques and Spicy Nigerian Pepper Soups

We trot the globe from the Rogue Island Comedy Fest to the night clubs of Lagos Nigeria on this episode. We also mention Midnight Mass, a variety of soups, haunted farmhouses in Portland Maine, Stephen King’s On Writing, CIA sponsored playgrounds in the Third World, Lagos as a libertarian free-market utopia, and more

We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord IG: @gabepac1 twitter: @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher
Oct 15, 202246:55
Dahmer, Cops Failing Up, Bad Bunny Videos, and Sneaky Pork: Eating Halal in Japan

Dahmer, Cops Failing Up, Bad Bunny Videos, and Sneaky Pork: Eating Halal in Japan

Another banger for your ears and brains.   We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord  IG: @gabepac1   twitter:  @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon  twitter: @sameermon  Twitter @halalcartels  MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher

Sep 30, 202249:21
A Strange Journey from Civil Wars to Stand Up Comedy Festivals in South Sudan, w/ Akau Jambo

A Strange Journey from Civil Wars to Stand Up Comedy Festivals in South Sudan, w/ Akau Jambo

It's an away-game episode. Gabe met Akau Jambo while he was performing a set at a coffee shop on the Lower East Side. Akau's is a riveting story, as the first English Language standup comedian coming out of South Sudan, the second youngest country in the world! Listen in as we talk about life in the refugee camps of Kenya, comedy in Uganda, and Akau's journey so far into becoming a global voice in stand-up.   Side note, Barbados is the new baby country among the nations of Earth.   Follow him at:  IG @akaujambo  Maybe one day soon Halal Cartels will do a live episode at the Juba International Comedy Fest in South Sudan, which Akau founded. We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord IG: @gabepac1 twitter:  @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon  twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher

Sep 13, 202201:09:23
Haunted by Soggy Ghost Girls, Klosterman's Nineties, and Pakistan is Underwater

Haunted by Soggy Ghost Girls, Klosterman's Nineties, and Pakistan is Underwater

The joys of the library app, misinformed by search engines cluttered with ads, biblical flooding in Pakistan, the Mandela Effect, the Nineties by Chuck Klosterman, landlines, microfiche, work/life balance, Industry- the TV series, and petty life hacks 

We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord  

IG: @gabepac1   

twitter:  @ gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon  twitter: @sameermon  


Twitter @halalcartels  

MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege 

Art by @elizabitcrusher


Sep 09, 202250:42
Was Sex Better Under Stalin? Who are the Gen Z Trads? Why Bosses So Horny to Return to Officespace w/ Luisa Diez

Was Sex Better Under Stalin? Who are the Gen Z Trads? Why Bosses So Horny to Return to Officespace w/ Luisa Diez

Sep 05, 202255:46
Aliens on the Lolita Express, Botanical Sexism, the Bushido Code is a Rent-A-Cop Manual

Aliens on the Lolita Express, Botanical Sexism, the Bushido Code is a Rent-A-Cop Manual

We tackle the big issues this time around. Allergies, Pets, the Tom Brown Jr. Tracking School, Samurai Bashing, UFOs, Climate Change, the Amish immune system, and space travel, Harvest of Empire, Gaddafi's drip, and more. We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord IG: @gabepac1   twitter:  @gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon  twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher

Aug 27, 202257:11
Explosive Ink Packets on Your Door Dash Delivery, New Predator flick "Prey", and Paris Comedy

Explosive Ink Packets on Your Door Dash Delivery, New Predator flick "Prey", and Paris Comedy

Prey, Stand-Up Comedy in Paris, Ministry of the Future, the dangers of Door Dash, the limits of liberte, egalite, and fraternite, shoddy American construction, McMansions wastelands, the rise of ecological protection by any means necessary, and we got MERCH coming. Holler for shirts and lighters.
Patreon: Join to enter our Discord IG: @gabepac1 twitter: @gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher
Aug 21, 202252:26
Warzone Cuddle Parties, Role Playing Life and Death Scenarios, and Jarheads Teaching Phonics

Warzone Cuddle Parties, Role Playing Life and Death Scenarios, and Jarheads Teaching Phonics

Another fun episode with Gabe and Sameer. We cover the nightlife of Kviv, moving to Mexico City, the Rehearsal, medical interpreter training, and more. Patreon: Join to enter our Discord  IG: @gabepac1   twitter:  @gabe_pacheco  IG: @sameermon  twitter: @sameermon   Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher

Jul 31, 202201:03:60
Horny French Mountain Men, Jamaican food cooked by Australians, and soon we'll all be in Company Towns

Horny French Mountain Men, Jamaican food cooked by Australians, and soon we'll all be in Company Towns

The boys are back together after a few weeks. We talk about Australians providing "authentic" Jamaica cuisine, the new Resident Evil, the Grand Tetons, the difference between grizzly bears and black bears, the return of the company town, antelopes, deer, comedy shows, and more. RIP James Caan. Go watch the movie Thief after you finish this pod. We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord IG: @gabepac1   twitter:  @gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon  twitter: @sameermon  Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher

Jul 21, 202201:01:11
Nosy Cab Drivers in Korea, Pickpocketing Monkeys in India, and getting lost in the Outback w/ Eve Ellenbogen

Nosy Cab Drivers in Korea, Pickpocketing Monkeys in India, and getting lost in the Outback w/ Eve Ellenbogen

On this away-game episode, Eve Ellenbogen joins the conversation with some globetrotting stories about starting stand-up in Korea, traveling in the outback of Australia, getting stalked by thieving monkeys in India, and more.

We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord
IG: @gabepac1 twitter: @gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels
MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher
Jul 11, 202201:02:13
Controlled demolition of US economy, Redacted Tonight, Bill Gates, Art Stars, and Mental Health w/John F O’Donnell

Controlled demolition of US economy, Redacted Tonight, Bill Gates, Art Stars, and Mental Health w/John F O’Donnell

On this away-game episode, Sameer is enjoying family time in an undisclosed location, near an Amish enclave. Guess which state! We've got guest John F O' Donnell, host of the Take Your Pill, Psychopath! podcast. He's a veteran NYC standup comedian, host of Live From Outerspace at Cobra Club on Fridays in Bushwick, and former correspondent for Redacted Tonight on RT USA.  Don't worry, we will discuss bi-polar disorder, the Art Star scene and comedy in the Lower East Side in the early aughts, the controlled demolition of the US economy, Klaus Schwab and the 4th industrial revolution, life in DC, working for Redacted Tonight, and the state of journalism in the US.  

follow John 

We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord  

IG: @gabepac1   twitter: @gabe_pacheco  IG: @sameermon  twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels  

MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher 

Jul 08, 202201:07:39
Alabama to Palestine pipeline, tech bros in Ramallah, Jesus and seggs werkers w/ Atheer Yacoub

Alabama to Palestine pipeline, tech bros in Ramallah, Jesus and seggs werkers w/ Atheer Yacoub

Is Halal Cartels doing Ageism? Where can we get good Palestinian food in NYC? Does Ramallah have tech bros? What's it like to get into the West Bank? Was Jesús pro-seggs werkurs? What's life like under Israeli Occupation?s And more with Special Guest and co-host of the NO FLY LIST Atheer Yacoub We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord  IG: @gabepac1   twitter:  @gabe_pacheco  IG: @sameermon  twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels  MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher Special Guest Atheer Yacoub No Fly List Podcast

Jun 25, 202201:00:11
The Boys, prepping for the Ayahuasca ceremony with horror movies, and the myth of the self-made man

The Boys, prepping for the Ayahuasca ceremony with horror movies, and the myth of the self-made man

The Boys, the new Predator trailer Prey, Ayahuasca Ceremonies, Gabe's field trip on the John J. Harvey fireboat, the immigrant stories we tell our kids, the Argentinian crime movie, The Clan, the West German Red Army Faction, the dirty truth about pirates, and the Depp/Heard court cast.

We now have a Patreon:
Join to enter our Discord
IG: @gabepac1 twitter: @gabe_pacheco
IG: @sameermon twitter: @sameermon
Twitter @halalcartels
MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher
Jun 11, 202247:56
Cargo Cults, Psychic Vampires, Aaron Burr, and the emotional con of linking "Passion" to the Workplace

Cargo Cults, Psychic Vampires, Aaron Burr, and the emotional con of linking "Passion" to the Workplace

Jun 03, 202201:00:07
Monkey Pox on the NYPD, searching for Biden’s Corn Pop, and White Erasure in Comedy

Monkey Pox on the NYPD, searching for Biden’s Corn Pop, and White Erasure in Comedy

Stockpiling goods, summer time drips in NYC, traffic stops by cops, Eric Adams juking the stats, Monkey Pox, the war on White Comedians, We Own the City, and more!!! We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord IG: @gabepac1   twitter:  @gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon  twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher

May 23, 202259:48
Raw Deals at Culinary School during the Pandemic with Natasha Jones

Raw Deals at Culinary School during the Pandemic with Natasha Jones

It's an away game episode with Gabe Pacheco interviewing long time friend Natasha Jones about entering culinary school during the Pandemic. What did the last two years expose about higher ed and education in general? We discuss the benefits of remote learning, the challenges of masking, the perils of dorm life and more. Are schools looking out for their students or their bottom lines?

We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord
IG: @gabepac1 twitter: @gabe_pacheco
IG: @sameermon twitter: @sameermon
Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN
IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher

May 20, 202250:60
Torture Queen Beauty Tips, and Pusha T's next album should be called "Formula"

Torture Queen Beauty Tips, and Pusha T's next album should be called "Formula"

May 16, 202258:40
Where is our generation's Symbionese Liberation Army, getting Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease from your kids in daycare, and Filipino transgender revolutionaries

Where is our generation's Symbionese Liberation Army, getting Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease from your kids in daycare, and Filipino transgender revolutionaries

May 01, 202245:01
Maybe catching Covid from a Sea Lion and Getting attacked by Bats in Cartagena

Maybe catching Covid from a Sea Lion and Getting attacked by Bats in Cartagena

Apr 24, 202201:05:07
Self-Stitching, Self-Reliance, and Puerto Rican Independence with Suni Reyes

Self-Stitching, Self-Reliance, and Puerto Rican Independence with Suni Reyes

Mar 31, 202201:04:40
Man-eating tigers, the hunt for Bin-Laden sparks a Polio comeback, and more!

Man-eating tigers, the hunt for Bin-Laden sparks a Polio comeback, and more!

Tiger attacks in India, CIA tomfoolery in Afghanistan and Pakistan sparks a health crisis, who are the true oligarchs, and Madeleine Albright and Henry Kissinger prove you should never hire refugees to become your foreign policy experts.
We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord
IG: @gabepac1 twitter: @gabe_pacheco
IG: @sameermon twitter: @sameermon
Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN
IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher
Mar 24, 202201:03:01
The Batman, Scammers in Science Under Capitalism, the Exile to Conservative NatSec Warhawk Pipeline, R.I.P. RT

The Batman, Scammers in Science Under Capitalism, the Exile to Conservative NatSec Warhawk Pipeline, R.I.P. RT

Mar 14, 202201:05:22
Talk to Me Face, Ukraine on the Brain, and Haitian Pride with Global Citizen and Flatbush native Comedian Norlex Belma

Talk to Me Face, Ukraine on the Brain, and Haitian Pride with Global Citizen and Flatbush native Comedian Norlex Belma

Feb 28, 202201:12:15
Mostly a movie episode: Texas Chainsaws, Freaky, the Last Duel, and also getting your family presents with the Marlboro Miles.

Mostly a movie episode: Texas Chainsaws, Freaky, the Last Duel, and also getting your family presents with the Marlboro Miles.

We now have a Patreon: Join to enter our Discord 

Vince Vaughn deserves an Oscar for Freaky.  True Detective Season two is lowkey the best season. We love the Raid. The New Texas Chainsaw Massacre is better than the critics are saying. Sameer talks about the Last Duel.  We find a way to shoehorn 911 and the War on Terror into this episode as we do with all episodes. Remember Marlboro Miles. We do! We started a Discord. And will have Patreon up ASAP. Email us at HalalCartels@gmail.com  IG: @gabepac1   twitter:  @gabe_pacheco IG: @sameermon  twitter: @sameermon Twitter @halalcartels MUSIC by SAREEN IG: @Sareenpatel @brownprivilege Art by @elizabitcrusher



Feb 21, 202249:44