Harlots of History

While Ma Rainey is the Mother of the Blues, yet when she died, her occupation was recorded as "housekeeper" and her death was never reported. Most of the press coverage she receives today is in response to the new movie on Netflix (which, while amazing, is based on all fictional characters except Ma herself). Emily tells Karamia about Ma: who always travelled with Peacock feathers; whose music defied heteronormative expectations of the 1920's; and who was once arrested for having an orgy with her female band members. Pour yourself some gin and dive in as we learn that boll weevils are not rabbits; Elvis stole a lot of songs from Black female songwriters; and Ma may have inadvertently inspired Karamia's shoulder tattoo. 

Well, we did it. We finally finished the saga of Josephine Baker. In this emotional roller coaster of an episode, we learn about Josephine's 12 adopted children; her friendship with Grace Kelly; and her career as a civil rights activist (among many others). Get out your tissues and your wine coolers; this episode is a doozy, but a perfect way for us to wrap up the thousand lives of Josephine Baker. 

Welcome to part 2 of Josephine Baker! Because her life is SO INTERESTING, we decided to extend it into three parts. In this episode, we will talk about her movie career; her opera performances; her time with the Ziegfeld Follies; her career as a French Resistance fighter; and how she travelled around town in a carriage drawn by an ostrich. Fake Counts with fake monocles; undercover spies in Portugal; Cheetahs named Chiquita: this episode has it all. Grab your Bouillon cubes and a stiff Martini, and settle in for what may be our most interesting Harlot yet!

Happy Valentine's/Galentine's/Ballantine's day. We are so excited to spend it with all of our harlots! For a special treat, we asked you to send us in your terrible love stories, and boy did you deliver. Grab a box of red wine and 7 cappuccinos as we dive into some truly terrible horrid stories, and regale you with some of our very own worst (and best) dates. Story titles include... Catfish is Only Good Served Deep Fried; Bloody Valentine; and Misogyny? I Don't Know Her. Enjoy!

When the lights went up for the show and Josephine Baker was nowhere to be found... it was because she was naked in her dressing room eating lobster. We don't know about you, but we REALLY want to be friends with her. We weren't really sure how to fit someone who lived 1000 lives into one episode, so we decided to split up Josephine's story into two. In Part 1, Karamia tells Emily about Josephine's childhood: from supporting her entire family at age 9; to marrying TWO different men named Willy before age 15; to wowing audiences from St. Louis to Paris with her infectious grin and goofy faces. Grab yourself a plate of lobster; rename all your pets "Tomato"; put on a fake monocle, and get ready to fall in L.O.V.E. with Josephine. 

PS... at the end of the episode we get cut off before we can tell you goodbye (but we were probably done saying anything interesting anyway).

Welcome to our last medieval episode! Karamia tells Emily about a super scandalous affair in 1300s France that inadvertently caused the 100 years war. Intrigued? You'll just have to listen to find out! Grab your wine flagons, your favorite Brie, your dashing knight, and head to a tower where they hopefully have WIFI so you can listen to this titilating episode! 

Last week, we talked about the War of the Roses. This week, we are going back a little bit further... Emily tells Karamia about Alice, who came from nothing (literally, we know nothing about her) but rose through the ranks to quickly become the richest woman in England. Along the way we will discuss Edward III. Phillipa the Phertile, and how Karamia once ran into a window in Armani Exchange. Grab your turkey legs, 400 gallons of gascon wine, and settle in for a rowdy episode, chalk-full of good olde-fashioned EmilyRants (TM).

Hey, remember season 5 of Game of Thrones when Cersei had to do the literal walk of shame? Turns out, like a lot of Game of Thrones, it actually happened! (well, without the dragons and ice monsters). Emily tells Karamia about Jane Shore, the mistress of Edward IV who was punished for Harlotry by walking through the streets Cersei-style! Along the way, we attempt to unravel the sticky time web of War of the Roses, and ask....why did everyone have to name their kids Edward, Henry, and Richard and not something unique like Moonshine? So grab your Kirtles and Tapers and a big ol' mug of wine, and join us for ye olde fashioned Harlotry!

Welcome to Medieval Mistress Month! We are excited to let our Apple Dumpling Shops loose and talk about some pretty peachy mistresses. To kick it off, Karamia tells Emily about Agnes Sorel, the original ORIGINAL royal mistress to King Charles VII, who ruled the country (while Charles was in the corner being creepy); invented fashion and forks; and was the victim of a 600-year-old secret mercury poisoning plot. So grab your Meade and your favourite fur coat, and please help us figure out what century we are actually in. 

Welcome to the end of 2020! We are so happy this year is almost over, and while we all have a lot of work to do in 2021... we wanted to kick off the  New Year by telling you about one of the craziest CIA covert ops EVER and it's super-secret code name: Operation Midnight Climax. Yup. That's it, that's the real name. Karamia tells Emily about this sub-project of MKUltra, and how the CIA opened "safe-houses" (brothels) in San Francisco, paid sex workers to bring men back and unknowingly give them LSD-laced cocktails...all while CIA operatives sat behind two-way mirrors sitting on portable toilets drinking pitchers of martinis and recording....nothing. So grab your sparklers and sparkling beverage, lock your doors (because it is SUPER not safe outside), and help us kick off 2021 by asking, What in the actual fork? 

Hi Harlots! After a few diva moments of exhaustion, we FINALLY bring you... Beulah Annan and Belva Gaertner... aka the inspirations behind Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly. Emily tells Karamia about what happens when you mix gin, sex, revolvers, and too-tight curls. (Hint: It ain't good.) Beulah watched her lover die while drinking cocktails and listening to cocktails, and Belva once threatened to kill her husband for walking in on her with another man. Intrigued?  Grab your "Hula Lou" records, pour yourself some bathtub gin, and join us in the Jazz Age. 

Happy Christmas Eve! We hope that you are in good spirits, or at least have a lot of spirits! Today we are bringing you the finale of our Naughty Aughts Month and the Conclusion to our favorite Diva. All we want for Christmas is to talk about her infamous 2001 "breakdown", Diva Moments of Exhaustion, mermaid themed living rooms, and what really happened with the Eminem-Mariah-Nick Cannon Feud. Pour yourself some red wine and Captain Crunch, put on your favorite Karl Lagerfeld silk dress, ditch your haters, and tune in as we learning to grudgingly respect the Queen of Christmas. 

Welcome to Naughty Aughts: The Christmas Week Edition! We figured there was no better way to kick this week off than by covering the Queen of Christmas. If all you know about Mariah is that she is really good at hitting high notes, loves butterflies, and was the only person that David Rose every said I love you to, then we are right there with you. But Mariah is so much more than her Diva moments, and if you join us down the rabbit hole, you might, like us, learn to grudgingly respect her. Pour yourself some red wine in your fancy glasses, bathe in milk in your Hello Kitty themed bathroom, and tune in as we journey back to the mid-90s and get in touch with our inner Christmas Queens.

Welcome to Part 2 of Naughty Aughts: Paris Hilton edition. In this episode, we continue our journey through the early 2000s, and re-think everything we thought we knew about Paris. As we re-examine the platinum-blonde Mother of Social Media, we find more than a vapid heiress, who was the victim of revenge porn, the Bling Ring, and a "Paris Exposed" storage unit fiasco. We will sort through the heavy silver eyeshadow, Dior purses, and platform sandals to find that Paris was unapologetically herself, which really is quite punk.  So spritz on your "Heiress" perfume, layer a few tank tops over your favorite skin-type long-sleeve, pour yourself a Captain Morgan and Cherry Coke, and join us for the conclusion of this very confusing deep dive. And remember: You don't get that far by being a dumb blonde. 

Welcome to Naughty Aughts: the platinum edition. This year Paris Hilton revealed to us that she is more than an heiress, more than a reality star, more than an IT Girl, and more than a DJ... She is also a survivor who was cycled through the ‘troubled teen industry’ at Provo Canyon school in the mid -90’s. We thought that this was a good time to set our DeLorean Flux Capacitors for the early 00s and revisit Paris’ life because it seems that the missing pink puzzle piece was finally found. We had so much to unpack that we decided to split this episode into two parts...And just like the matching pieces of your velour tracksuit, they are both equally Juicy. In part 1, Karamia tells Emily about Paris who was raised very rich, very privileged, and very blonde, splitting her time between Beverly Hills and the  Waldorf Astoria. In her rebellious teen years when she traded Cotillion for Manhattan nightclubs and high heels for combat boots, her parents had her kidnapped and sent to a behavior modification school where she was forced to stay until she turned 18. From here, she launched herself into a modeling career, being paid to party, and her future as the first reality TV star. So dye your hair platinum blonde, pull your thong out of you low-waisted jeans, grab your dog and your DIOR purse, and turn your iPod mini all the way up... you don't want to miss this one. 

You might know her as the powerhouse behind the iconic songs that played at your middle school dances, on the school bus, or through the headphones of your 4th generation pink iPod Nano. You might know her as the amazing female rapper who had us all picking our jaws off the floor and baby teenyboppers asking ‘WHO is THAT?’ at the Superbowl and Video Vanguard Awards.  Missy Elliott is an American treasure (duh), but what do you really know about her beyond her ICONIC music videos, her MTV Cribs episodes, or her close best-friendship with Timbaland? Missy comes from an abusive past, has struggled with anxiety and autoimmune disease, and has been the focus of body image critics and been boxed-in by tabloids who felt it was their duty to define her sexuality. She defined a generation of fashion, has been a fierce advocate for mental health, and has fought tooth and nail against racist and misogynistic industry standards... all while wearing our favorite iconic robot suits. So go try to find some Smirnoff Ice or some long-gone Pepsi Blue and listen to us gush over sexy lyrics, Aaliyah,  “Lady Marmalade”, and how Emily once sang both parts of The Elephant Love Medley by herself.

[FYI around minute 42 we lost the rest of our episode and had to re-record the second half, so bear with us, and use that spot as a place to pause and refresh your pizza bites and vodka Red Bulls.]

If you were super excited for our December Naughty Oughts... don't worry. They are still coming! Due to some technical difficulties, we decided to release one of Patreon episodes, and give you an exclusive into what's going on over there. Tune in Thursday to get back to our regularly scheduled program of 2000's Pop Harlots. But for now... let us give you another reason to deadbolt your doors. We wanted to tell you all about Liz Kendall, Ted Bundy's long time girlfriend... but unfortunately we can't do that without talking about Ted. Emily tells Karamia about the shocking similarities she has with Liz, how Zac Efron actually made a pretty good Ted Bundy, and why this story needs to be told. Pour yourself some hot chocolate, wrap yourself in a fuzzy blanket, adopt a guard dog, and lock ALL your doors. 

Ahoy! Ahoy t' Harlots o' History. Today we 'ave a mighty special episode fer ye! Ye know Blackbeard, right? Th' infamous, much a-feared pirate who commanded 300 scallywags 'n 4 whole ships, th' greatest pirate in history...Enter Ching Shih. She was a madame turned pirate who commanded 70,000 scallywags, 2000 boats, 'n would 'ave laughed Blackbeard right off th' plank into Davy Jone's Locker. Pour yourself some rum, grab yer pet polly, 'n get ready t' join us on th' South China Sea!

Happy Thanksgiving Harlots! We hope that you are staying safe and home and having thanksgiving with your cats. But dinner is dinner and even if it's just you, your 14 chinchillas, and a boatload of mashed potatoes, you should still be using proper etiquette! Enter Emily Post. You may know her as Miss Manners; she quite literally wrote the (900 page) book on the proper way of life. We want to make sure you are not combing your hair or flossing your teeth at the table, and if you are a host, that you are doing frequent checks of the toilets to make sure nobody left any unwanted presents. Lock your doors (so no unwanted guests show up), pour yourself a GIANT winter sangria, (none of your relatives will be there to judge how sloshed you get), and dig into the pumpkin pie early as you listen! 

Happy Thanksgiving 2020! Are you curious about how to cure your own leather couch for all your guests (AKA your Himalayan cats and your computer Zoom screen)? Would you like to know how to get the mud off of your fine silver (for your dinner for two)? Have you ever wondered how to make your own flour from the wild grains you have growing in your farm (to make boatloads of bread to eat with your pet Chinchillas) ? Well, don't worry because here to tell you is the blonde tycoon who has graced your Thanksgiving tables and Kmart aisles for years and has personally victimized every homemaker in America: Martha Helen Stewart.  Karamia tells Emily the dirty deets our mothers never told us about Martha, who built an empire around her hatred for scented candles and her love for New England farmhouses. From her infamous prison stay, to her early life as a model and stock-broker, to her relationship with Anthony Hopkins, Martha is a multi-faceted 79-year old bombshell who embodies the word synergy.  Get ready to be jealous of her relationship with Snoop Dogg, be shocked at her comments during the Roast of Justin Bieber, and to finally realize that you begrudgingly respect her. Make yourself a bourbon sour, cure your own meat, wash your car, and help us decide: Is Martha a Good Harlot or a Bad Harlot? 

You may have heard of Warren Harding... or maybe you haven't! He was a wet-shoe, trash monster president from 100 years ago with a certain piece of male anatomy named Jerry and a penchant for adultery and younger women. Emily fills Karamia in on the many MANY dirty little secrets in Warren Harding's back (and front) pockets that stayed hidden for decades until a deluge of steamy letters and a DNA test spilled the tea. Please forgive us for the myriad of times we get sidetracked, as this episode was recorded on election day and fueled by anxiety, hard Kombucha, and our desperate attempt to sidetrack ourselves from impending doom. While we will do a quick rundown on some of his political scandals, this episode is focused on the women in his life; especially Nan Britton, his secret baby mama young enough to be his granddaughter and the writer of the first ever Kiss-and-Tell book after his death. Grab a block of cheese, a radiant beverage, and indulge us as we try to sort through the dumpster fire of Warren Hardings life. 

Convents are meant for praying…...and love affairs…...and to be burnt down. Tune in to learn about Julie d’ Aubigny AKA La Maupin; the swashbuckling, bisexual, grand lover of a 17-century swordsperson who also sang in the opera on the side. Karamia tells Emily of this LGBTQ heroine that shocked everyone in France except for the Sun King, as well as her future biographers, whose fragile male egos could simply not handle her energy. She joined a nunnery to be with her girlfriend, and in an epic tale of body-snatching and arseny, burnt down the entire convent to escape her lover's overbearing father. She regularly beat trios of men in illegal duels and occasionally turned the men she stabbed through the shoulders into her side pieces. She also stunned Paris with her beauty on stage, and the best part, she did it all while dressed in "men’s" clothing. Pour yourself some eggnog, put on your best swashbuckling pants, and join us in our pillow forts for our new favorite Harlot!