Austin's Hot Takes
By AHT
Oh shit, oh my, your brain cells might die! Listen to the only AUSTI award winning podcast, where you can join us in exploring the mysterious mind of our special guest, Austin, a true modern day Ben Franklin meets Taylor Swift, game show host, trailblazing chef, inventor of the 1800s horse, one-time gas pumper, atheist highway hater, defiler of the english language, aspiring future dictator of Utopiburgitron, and semi-professional hot taker. Nice Guy.
Austin's Hot TakesNov 15, 2023
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austi christmas
to you
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holidays are for
the
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blue christmas
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Dec 23, 202300:47
AHT S4 Ep62: Do the Shamrock Shake
Top of the morninâ! Gâday lads and lassies from the land down over which is what we call Ireland because weâre somewhere over the rainbow if you catch my drift. Weâve got a wee bit of potty humor in our wee little show for you tonight (thereâs a wee laddie in my ear who doesnât know what time of day itâs supposed to be). And much like the Nintendo Wii, we are never ever getting back together. We understand each other, oui oui? Thatâs it. We did it. Wheeeeeeeeee!
Nov 15, 202301:11:53
AHT S4 Ep61: A Cheesywhack Red With the Blood of My Tears
Are you sick and tired of ânormalâ podcasts that make you laugh with their âjokesâ? Does getting praised by a complete stranger inflate your eggy? Do you ever wonder what do boats do? If you answered yes or no to any of these questions, then this episode is the thing for you! Hear Austin rant about bands, tubas, and dance teams. Marvel at the peckies of a shirtless Batman. And learn about the musical that started it all for Ms. Parton, Hello Dolly.
Nov 15, 202301:18:48
AHT S4 Ep60: Almost Accidentally Peed on a Cat
Sing us a song, youâre the four-inch tall child-man⊠weâre trying to honor Billy Joel here. Although, he would probably be rolling around in his grave if he heard our new game, Songs From a Caesarian Restaurant. Surprisingly, thatâs not the most horrific thing that happened this episode as the title might imply (but itâs a dude cat so itâs apparently okay). Perhaps equally horrifying are Austinâs tales of eating a sopping wet bagel and a burger with a spoon and no brad handles. Oh, and the Napoleon joke. But âwhile all is warm at Yosemite,â remember to check your cat with a UV light.
Nov 15, 202301:20:51
AHT S4 Ep59: Richard Quichardâs All the Facts
*speaking Britishly so hereâs subtitles* In honour of our noble and first President (King) Benjamin Franklin, let us present the Hout Takes President's Day special! Producerâs note: I have no idea why Austin is writing âBritishlyâ for an American holiday special but letâs just go with it. We have gathered a merry collection of jests, a complaint or two regarding the water engine, and a tale of a bull and his fondness for a certain powder. Pray excuse us, kind sirs and madams, for any errors in our discourse of the Queen - Austin's wits are a wonder to behold, not a divining orb.
Nov 15, 202301:16:51
AHT S4 Ep58: âI Want Queen Lizzy to Bite a Glizzyâ
Austin: So hereâs a story from A to Liz-Z. You wanna be more than just a model, you gotta marry. *record scratch* Producer: And weâre gonna stop right there⊠The most controversial part of this episode was SUPPOSED to be the Victoria Beckham pit of cluelessness Austin dug for himself, but this was recorded in February 2022. So when Austin said âwhat he wants, what he really really wantsâ was to do a hate episode on the British monarchy when the queen died, he did not intend to predict her actual demise. So please, British Royal Air Force, do not come after us, Cinnamon, Paprika, or Ginger.
Nov 15, 202301:22:21
AHT S4 Ep57: The Birth of Terry Peckies
OMG!!! Austin had too much margharitaaaaaaa!! Or was it lemonade?? ;);) Listen to this show and maybe youâll know!!! Hahahaha this eppie is like sooo fun. The funnest. Thereâs this whole big sock thingy and weird fleshy fruits (peaches are like totally the avocados of fruit and that makes peach bread avocado toast). Oh also you can definitely skip leg day and do some pull-up thingies and your chest will look totes fabs k bye!!! #SWTWT
Nov 15, 202301:14:11
AHT S4 Ep56: Flipping the Mattress⊠Wink, Wink ;)
The cool kids these days are bopping about with hip new tidbits and whatchamacallits, so consider this your guide to whatâs lit and whatâs not it. Sleep kilts are totally in these days, but sleeping with more than zero decorative pillows is not dude! Swimming is lame bro, but pro-anti-swimmers are absolutely on fleek. No one gives two sheets about top or bottom sheets, but if you take a sheet thatâs $14, thatâs an epic gamer move. Also, making beds is for weenies.
Nov 15, 202301:32:52
AHT S4 Ep55: A Flannel as Righteous as an 80s Arcade Floor
Sah dude! (I told Austin it was âsuhâ but he wouldnât listen⊠now heâs coming to the realization that âsuhâ actually does sound like âsupâ as in âwhatâs upâ or just âwhassupâ⊠no he takes that back because he canât be wrong and âsahâ is actually the âwhaâ sound in âwhassupâ so it makes sense⊠anyway thatâs just an aside from your lovely producer) Thatâs also the end of this episode description. No, wait. Austin takes that back. He says I need to tell you about his really awesome flannel shirt that looks like an 80s arcade threw up on it... as if you canât read the title of this episode.
Nov 15, 202301:23:32
AHT S4 Ep54: Limp Wet Noodles
This episode is about hair, babies, and water. And also pirates? And jag-wires? And long brunettes who can sing? Yeah, that sounds about right. Plus, Jeremyâs back (from the dead), Annieâs added blueberries to her list of fruits that she irrationally hates, and Justin derailed the episode by talking about SNL for thirty minutes (we cut that, youâre welcome⊠but we can blame that one on William Pirate Baird O'Connell Whispers)
Nov 15, 202301:26:30
AHT S4 Ep53: NUDE (Starring Jason Mamosaosa)
In lieu of an actual description, hereâs a useful list of life tips: Donât name your child Hugo. If you want to make something groovy, use jazz hands. Get a job if you watch the weather channel. If youâre a weatherman, just become a horse race announcer for the three meaningful horse races a year. And most importantly, donât go to The Cheesecake Factory and order salad. Also featured in this episode: at least 21.7 minutes reviewing the movie about the boy in the desert with his mother.
Nov 15, 202301:39:52
AHT S4 Ep52: Austinâs Hot Dates
No time for intro! Hitting you with hot date takes harder than Annie hits her sticks of butter! 1. Brush teeth after raviolis 2. Like a good listener, State Farm is there 3. No phones! Edna Mode 4. Ask questions like the riddler but in reverse I think⊠30. Do not eat saktines before bed. Bad Austin! Eat more ice cream! 38. Right armpit stain will it dry? 46. Living like jungle man bad 52. Talk like an 18th century British doctor 63. Compliment and a handshake. What is this 1940s France? 69. You are either an over the top counter clockwise toilet paper roll or youâre a loser.
Nov 15, 202301:28:37
AHT S4 Ep51: Donda Esta Season 4?
Stop the presses! Stop 'em right now! This might be new season worthy! But only if you count Austin listening to and maybe liking one Kanye song and the entire Spiderverse soundtrack because he might like rap now? Something thatâs not non-cowboy hat country?! It just might be the solution to him feeling his elbows, but if itâs anything like his new sleep solutions (being soaking wet before bed and tying his eyes down with a rainbow bandana) then youâre going to need a mixed drink of sand and foot sweat to get through this one.
Nov 15, 202301:05:51
AHT S3 Ep55: Mbikes, Tractopters, & Raxzor Blades
Life is a highway and if youâre going to ride it, donât use a bike and get out of Austinâs way. Bikes are illegal, and you deserve to be hit by a spring-loaded boxing glove ejected from the side of a car. On an unrelated note, I (your lovely producer) am contractually obligated to tell you that Austin is not short. Austin is 5â 6â according to his doctor, and he definitely does not have the âspirit of a giant bodybuilder in the frame of a 4 inch tall man.â
Nov 15, 202301:17:19
AHT S3 Ep54: LIVE! From the Rat Dungeon!
Remember Season 1 Episode 1 when Austin didnât know how microwaves worked? Remember how we talked about that for a solid 40 minutes because we thought THAT was the worst thing Austin didnât understand? Well, he still hasnât evolved in any way. So here to solve his problems are: a giant metal hot rod, bigger microwaves, and government microwave attendants funded by taxpayer dollars. Also, we should violate the Geneva Convention to kill bees except bumblebees (but only if they rebrand themselves).
Nov 15, 202301:12:44
AHT S3 Ep53: Gravity Girl Next Door
There is a six point ninth dimension beyond that which is known to SWTs. A dimension where radar and sonar actually acronym right. Where dresser drawer Swifties emerge from their house graveyards cuddling broccoli sweater kittens, and spaghetti is a Pokemon type. A world where you can apply so many nodules of deoderant with your four arms with the graceful whipping of a samurai sword. And where Maryland is still stupid and lame. Is gravity real?
Nov 15, 202301:29:47
AHT S3 Ep51: How to Flirt With Your Local Gas Waitresses
Gâday mateys weâre coming at you sloopdingers and swampfrazzles live from the dragonball Z version of Australia! Hope you slipped on your slickâums and undeviated your septums because weâve got some gas waitresses to woo for Austin. Plus, Jeremy tackles taxes with his latest JeremĂŠform, and thatâs definitely the most exciting way to end this description.
Nov 15, 202301:21:21
AHT S3 Ep50: Lannie Likes Lemonade in Lieu of Lemon Licking
Go outside! Get out of your London 1812 bunker and start singing at half mast because Austin and Alex have finally agreed on something! They have put aside their differences on number words and neck tinglers to cyberbully the short-necked giraffe lover formerly known as Annie (we made her change her name for legal alliterative purposes).
Nov 15, 202301:25:46
AHT S3 Ep49: Dahn Shawty, Happy Valentine
Put on some Wham! (not George Michael) and hop in a monobob (but not with a penguin) because itâs the second annual AHT Valentineâs Day Special! If you need some good custom pickup lines for your âgirlfiend,â youâve come to the wrong place. And if youâre looking to marry Jeremy (because who isnât), be sure to follow his updated list of desired (and subconsciously required) traits in the ideal mate, including bed pillow quotas and read receiptsâŠ
Nov 15, 202301:31:30
AHT S3 Ep48: 20TwentyDos: Austin vs. Michelle: Civil War
New year, new feuds! Just like George Washington and the Fluffigans coming together on Christmas Day, Michelle has rejoined us to discuss everything but the reason Austin declared war against her. Learn about philophers, icky mouth metal, and how to properly saw through food with a butter knife. And as tradition, the thought manifestation for 2022 will be revealed in horrible fashion.
Nov 15, 202301:37:33
AHT S3 Ep47: Ep#25 Austi Christmas 2 (You)
Itâs the holiday season and what better way to celebrate Fang Santaâs arrival than by spending time gluing puzzles together with duct tape with fully lingual and potty trained babies in the warm, flickering glow of a Mario-scented candle that smells like plumbing and mushrooms? And most importantly, be sure to listen to Austinâs Holiday Poem of Wishes plus two brand new Christmas games about the things we hate most: Hallmark movies and overpriced stupid gifts. And of course, it wouldnât be an Austi Christmas if Baby Jesus didnât come out of the womb to say thereâs a new not offensive Austin carol waiting just for you!
Nov 15, 202301:30:05
AHT S3 Ep46 The Artist Formerly Known as Thanksgiving
We have prepared a special menu for you on this unspecial holiday. As our appetizer, we begin with the Pledge of Abhorrence with a side of Unthankful Lamenting of all things Austin hates including boring license plates, the names Geoff, Oswald, and Leopold, and the recurring traumatic nightmare of Alex in a wedding dress. For our main course, we will devote the Sacrificial Hate Chicken to the item most deserving of jail and Satan this year and summon Jonathan Edwards, George Whitfield, and John Winthrop from the grave to give their fire and brimstone energy to us.
Nov 15, 202301:34:26
AHT S3 Ep45 Halloween Takes 2: Damp & Buttered With Your Head in the Wall
Prepare for scare! Whatâs more horrifying than one Austin? 50% of Austin! Our producer, Gianna joins us to relive her triple double failed lunch nightmare (you be the judge of which sibling is worse) and be tortured by a brand new NJ gas waitress rap. We also dive into the smush factor of aerodynamics relating to sleep, the worldâs hyper obsession with Zebdata, and throwing grape Jolley Ranchers at SWTs in stupid, dumb costumes.
Nov 15, 202301:28:20
AHT S3 Ep44 PAIN. Psychotic and Psychological PAIN.
Today, we are going to discuss facts and only facts. Like if we had Bucky Barnes fighting in the Revolutionary War for us, Ben Franklin wouldâve been our first president. And if your kid plays gacha games, theyâre better off doing drugs. Also, the CEO of trains is the conductor. Most importantly, you WILL go into flames if you ever mail Austin a birthday card
Nov 15, 202301:42:43
AHT S3 Ep43 SWMSWAM (Weâre So Sorry)
Disclaimer: everything discussed in this episode was entirely for comedic purposes. Jeremy will promptly slap Austin in the face for every dumb idea mentioned in this episode. Austinâs Hot Takes LLC does not endorse in any way, shape, or form the concept of SWMSWAM, except for profiting off of the lanyard and sticker market. Oh and also the Amish market after we trick them into using wooden technology.
Nov 15, 202301:32:33
AHT S3 Ep42 Sprinkled Eggs and Scrambled Minds
There comes a point in oneâs life when one takes that first glorious bite into an olive. And when they do, they unconsciously engrain a permanent pattern for olive consumption they follow for the rest of their lives until one day they come across another beautifully minded human consuming an olive in a different, yet intricate manner. And then in a murderous rage, one climbs the Empire State and drops a grape Jolly Rancher onto the other olive eaterâs head. Life can be short and still meaningful, yet this description is neither.
Nov 15, 202301:31:45
AHT S3 Ep41 Orthodontdothis
Do you know all those things your dentist tells you not to do? And all those things they donât tell you not to do because they assume youâre smart enough not to do them? Yeah, well⊠hereâs an episode dedicated to Austinâs personal hygiene. Bathroom routines include: sawing back and forth with a floss pick, washing your back with a soap wall, and avoiding icky minty toothpaste on your tongue at all costs.
Nov 15, 202301:27:27
AHT S3 Ep40 The Great Space Waste
Jump into the mind of Jeremy as he solves physics by launching all of our garbage into space and then taking money from all research and putting it into worthwhile investments like the Austizon. Do you want a dictator in your kitchen to yell at customer service workers when your shoes are untied? Order the Amazon Austizon now and weâll throw in the first ever boxed set of Austin Against Humanity! (box not included)
Nov 15, 202301:26:42
AHT S3 Ep39 Baby, Be My Vaccine
It literally cannot get worse than this. Austin has written a ârapâ (?) about love and COVID. If you are a music major or know anything about rhythm or what music is supposed to sound like, cover your ears. Also featured this episode: the body towel sandwich, flesh bulbs, and teaching Austin that you shouldnât stick a fork in a toaster because apparently thatâs something that needs to be said.
Nov 15, 202301:32:59
AHT S3 Ep38 Austinâs Edible Children
Hot, hot oh wuhgottum and by wuhgottum, we mean weâve got big plans and theories this episode. Get ready to drive your head in the face with a driver, cover Annieâs car in old bay crab dip and crabs, and dip mozzarella sticks in liquid fat! Plus, if you love WandaVision youâll hate this theory more than Austin hates yogurt (punishable by death).
Nov 15, 202301:20:16
AHT S3 Ep37 Tim 2: Consensual Slaps
HAPPY FANG DAY! Austi award winner, Tim joins us to celebrate the second annual AHT Fang Day. Hear about the AHT crewâs many plots to kill Austin, the Animorphs layer of the Earth, and the magic pills that might just make vegetables legal.
Nov 15, 202301:30:04
AHT S3 Ep36 The AUSTIâs
Celebrating one year of AHT, this is the AUSTIIIIIIIIIIâS! Relive some of the most iconic hot takes moments in this past 11th Y.O.O.F. (Year of Our Fang) as we award AUSTIâs in categories such as âPlan Most Likely to Succeed if it Worked,â âDeserves Most Jail and Satan,â âThe Austin-ismâ (The Best Thought Nugget Bequeathed Upon Thee by Me on Air), and much more!
Nov 15, 202301:55:07
AHT S3 Ep#35 Happy Vladuation!
Privet! After years of Put-in in hard work, Austin (and others) have graduated college⊠and Jeremy has more than a couple complaints. Hear about Austinâs Swedish rock band transcript and his âturd-nuggeting crayon-licking trombone-farting miniscule smoothbrained dummy professor.â Also of note: his raging Hulk smash mode in the heat and JeremĂŠforms about politics and the arts.
Nov 15, 202301:20:51
AHT S3 Ep34 The 10ft Long Sock Tongs
Words cannot describe the pure chaos of this weekâs episode so hereâs a bunch of inspirational quotes instead. âPeaches are orange cousinsâ | âThey say oxygen doesnât grow on trees but it doesâ | âCan you give mouth to mouth to a plant?â | âIf we did it, could we do it?â But wait⊠thereâs more! Hear about the hoops that Austin leaps through just to avoid taking his socks off with his hands.
Nov 15, 202301:21:26
AHT S3 E33 Episode XXXIII Luke, I am Your Baby Daddy
Itâs the Star Wars Hot-Take-iday Special! Darth Andrew the Wise, the man who bequeathed all of his Star Wars knowledge unto Austin when he was a wee little Padawan (high school), joins us to discuss uh⊠Star Wars, duh. Hear about the legends of the Space British, The Emperor Strikes Austin, and Austinâs twin sons Maul and Mace.
Nov 15, 202301:31:45
AHT S3 E32 A Small Loan of 2 Bazillion Dollars
Itâs Season 3 of AHT (Austin did a U-turn which constitutes an important life milestone and therefore a new season). Annie unveils parts A and B of her plan for world domination previously mentioned on E24: E25. Also, Austin gets blasted in the face with hot gas, has a positive customer service interaction with Neck Beard, and learns how to safely drink orange juice. Bonus: Jeremy debuts Proclamation or BS Nation.
Nov 15, 202301:21:07
AHT S2 E31 Two Bingos Donât Make a Match
Ooh la la! Get ready for a potluck of steaming hot takes, ranging from Austinâs fear of fast food drive thrus to his hatred for Pixar movies starring humans. Plus, if you get confused by Swiss cheese and Swahili, Justin has the perfect geography game for you! Fun Fact: two lobsters donât make a biscuit.
Nov 15, 202301:35:26
AHT S2 E30 Drunk Bees and Cardi Batman
On this weekâs episode, Annie and Jeremy rant about the pointlessness of New Yearâs resolutions, and Austin resolves to plot even more vengeance on the frat bros. Plus, the debut of Punderland: a horrible game dedicated to Austinâs even more horrible puns!
Nov 15, 202301:34:36
AHT S2 E29 2021: Austin, Scrabble Won
Get those rhyming thought manifestations ready! Itâs been 2021 for 3 months now so we only have 9 more months for this to come true! Learn about Little Batman Orphan Annie and hear about the horrific foods Austin was forced to eat in Vermont, including âovallyâ baked beans *shudders*
Nov 15, 202301:06:05
AHT S2 E28 Jeremyâs List of Required Traits in the Ideal Mate
Put on some Stevie Wonder and grab your totally not seductive Coke can because itâs the AHT Valentineâs Day Special! If you are a carnivorous non-SWT, find out the keys to Austinâs heart. And if youâre looking to marry Jeremy, we hope you despise skim milk and know your woodpeckers because this perfect Canadian man requires perfection.
Nov 15, 202301:42:06
AHT S2 E27 The Money Sock
Woe! Woe indeed! Come hear the tragedy of Darth Grayder and the âdrive of shameâ it took to bring him back to us. But all is not lost! The money sock (patent pending) is perhaps the most powerful Richy Quicky yet! Order now and weâll throw in free Croutomelons (also patent pending) for all your citrus-infused ravioli needs.
Nov 15, 202301:38:02
AHT S2 E26 Sausage Gumbo in 10 Painful Steps
Hold onto your sausage and your chef hats because this weekâs episode is a recipe for disaster! From the maker of the âSalad on Breadâ comes a new inexplicably unexplainable creation. Itâs time to open up your human-person three-sided square window and wrestle with a hanger for your jacket because the bee density outside is frightful.
Nov 15, 202301:24:50
AHT S2 E24: E25 Holidays are for the Gays
Yes, you heard that right! Witness the live premiere of the most INCLUSIVE Christmas Carol of all time (we apologize in advance for Austinâs âsingingâ). The holidays are a wonderful time of year filled with capitalism and consumerism so celebrate with Santa Jeff Bezos as he travels the world delivering presents in an Amazon delivery truck. Plus, nothing says Christmas like Annieâs plan for world domination!
Nov 15, 202301:40:37
AHT S2 E23 Deer, Horses, and Sheep also Mules and Giraffes also Deer, Horses, and Giraffes
Bustin Justin hosts a smörgĂ„sbord of hot takes today about the deer family tree centered on the key belief that deer are short horses and giraffes are long horses. Also, have you ever wondered what the dictionary definition of a clenched buttcheek is? Have you ever been to Tampa Bay, Canada? Do lobsters have thumbs? What ever happened to âLeft Pennsylvania?â Prepare to have all of these questions remain unanswered on this weekâs AHT.
Nov 15, 202301:22:47
AHT S2 E22 Kiss Your Turkey Square on the Giblets
Journey aboard the Sasquatch, the Squanto, and the Santa Maria with us as Austin and Jeremy break down why Thanksgiving dinner is the single most overrated meal of the year. Learn how the first Thanksgiving evolved from Pocahontas, John Rolfe, and Charlie Brown into a modern-day lie centered on the world's most worthless bird.
Nov 15, 202301:56:34
AHT S2 E21 If You Like Movies⊠Urine Luck!
If you thought Austin was uncultured before, wait until you hear his reviews of movies heâs never seen. Self-proclaimed movie expert Nate weighs in on the important issues like why every movie with Leonardo âDiCaprioâ is Oscar-bait trash and if humans can be right-mouthed. Warning: you are about to hear a very detailed and horrifying sequence of events about Austinâs pee test from hell.
Nov 15, 202301:30:07
AHT S2 E20 Seducing Jeff Bezos
What would you do for a Blonde-Ike bar? In this weekâs episode, Austin goes through character development... after watching Legally Blonde; he now hates sororities less than he did in Episode 18. Also, hear about his plan to deliver newborn babies with Amazon, the four horses of the apocalypse (spoiler alert: one is soup), and the water sandwiches of America.
Nov 15, 202301:21:36
AHT S2 E19 Austinâs Halloween Takes
Join us for a spooky, scary episode of AHT where we discuss the fourth-best holiday of the year. Find out which candies are âactually good,â âdecent,â âutter burning garbage,â âbanned eww seriously why,â and âyou deserve jail and satan.â Plus, we discuss how to defeat sexy Halloween costumes and denim girl shorts!
Nov 15, 202301:11:18