How to Parent Peacefully. With the Hand in Hand Parenting approach.

Does it infuriate you when people talk about self-care and it feels totally out of your reach?

You are stressed, your kids are fighting and some expert is telling you to take a bath??

Before we can even think about self-care, we need to do this first...

And that is checking in with our nervous systems, noticing whether we are in fight, flight or freeze and then finding ways to bring ourselves back into balance.

I talk about small habits we can weave into our everyday lives to slow down, notice and soothe our nervous systems.

Once we do that, we can think well again. We can feel more calm. We can feel more in control of what is going on around us. And then we can start to think about how to get our needs met.

This week's episode is an Ask Me Anything episode, where parents in my community submit their questions and I answer them on the pod. 
I have some wonderful questions to answer this week which I think will be relevant to so many of you.
A teacher and grandmother asks about the challenges of introducing connection-based approaches to children into the preschool setting. I answer a question about helping a child move on from pull-ups to confidently use the potty or toilet.  I discuss how we can gently support children with their underlying feelings so they can move through their fears and challenges.

I talk about how to deal with habits like nail biting and nose picking - what’s really going on under the surface and what can we as parents do about it.
And my final question is about smartphone use and the many, many challenges faced by parents around that.

Today on the podcast I talk about the small interactions with your child that happen many times a day but often don’t go so smoothly. A simple request from you turns into a standoff or an argument - and you just want your child to listen without all the drama. 

This is something parents ask me about all the time:“I don’t want to respond harshly to my children but I don’t want to be permissive either - what do I do?” 

The question is - how to approach discipline when you don’t want to use threats or punishments but trying to be gentle isn’t working either -  you are stuck in an endless cycle of trying to be gentle but your patience wears thin and you descend into arguments swiftly followed by you losing your cool. It doesn’t feel very gentle but the only alternative seems to be to allow your child to do what they want!

There is another way to set limits in a gentle way with your child, in a way that doesn’t use fear or control and doesn’t damage your relationship.

So I’m talking about how to deal with those small everyday interactions which cause arguments or conflict over and over again - like bedtime, like wanting a snack right before dinner, like turning the TV off. 

You want to say no but you don’t want the arguments.

I take you through Hand in Hand Parenting’s approach to setting limits using the “Listen, Limit, Listen” framework. It works like a dream and you can rest assured you are holding firm without using fear and whilst still leaving room for feelings. 

This episode I recorded outdoors by the sea, so there is a little bit of wind interference, I hope it isn’t too annoying. Here is a photo of my view so you can picture the scene!

If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to the podcast, share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review and/or a Spotify rating. It will help this conversation reach even more parents.

Today I talk about why parents get angry in the heat of the moment with their children and what you can do in the moment when you feel the anger rising in you.

This is a re-record of the very first episode of the podcast. The sound quality is poor in the original but it is such a great topic so I wanted to put it out there again in better quality.

And we need to hear this information over and over again because in the heat of the moment we can't think well and afterwards we tend to beat ourselves up about not being the gentle parent we want to be. 

​⁠In this episode I talk about my three strand approach to help parents who are losing their cool with their kids. 

We all want to be gentle parents. We don't set out to yell at our kids. We feel horrified when we yell and we know it isn't a good strategy. And yet we find ourselves flipping our lids again and again. 

So why exactly do we lose our cool? I talk about the big picture of trying to parent in a stressful society that doesn't support parents well and I talk about the physiological changes that take over our brain and lead to us flipping our lid - we literally can't help it, we are not bad parents and willpower alone can't stop the emotional brain taking control.

When we understand what's going on in our brain, we can be compassionate towards ourselves and then take responsibility and take action to keep our emotions in check.

We can approach this in 3 ways:

1. By taking care of our own needs we are more resourced and less burnt out. Then we are in better shape to take care of our kids. We can't pour from an empty cup. 

2. In the moment strategies to work with our nervous system to bring it back into balance when we lose our cool. 

3. Prevention is always better than cure - when we work on our triggers, we take the emotional charge out of the situation and we are less likely to lose our tempers. There is no quick fix but we can make progress over time to heal and grow as a parent - and shout less as a result. 

In today's episode I talk about that dreaded scenario when you have your day planned out with work or other commitments and your child says (directly or indirectly) "I don't want to go to school today".

Your heart sinks. You might panic or try to persuade them that they do really want to go.

When we act from a place of panic or frustration, it usually leads to upset and conflict and rarely moves things forwards.

So today I talk to you about how best to proceed when you are triggered and your child is digging their heels in.

I talk about how to shift out of frustration and respond instead with empathy and curiosity.

Often that is all our children need.

I talk about the importance of acknowledging and validating our children's feelings (instead of gaslighting them or talking them out of their feelings).

And of course we need to look at the context: is the school or childcare setting meeting our children's needs and is there anything we can do to help support them.

As always, connection is the key to supporting our children with these tricky situations.

For more ideas to solve difficult mornings, check out the following podcast episodes:

In this week’s episode I talk about a super quick, super effective way to connect with your little ones after you’ve all had a busy day apart. 

Often asking them about their day leads to one word answers or can make your child irritable with you. 

Despite their reluctance to talk to you, they want to reconnect, they want to feel close to you but asking them questions is rarely the best way. 

Instead, I have a quick 10 minute fix that will bring you both closer. When you come back into connection with your child, you both feel better. It will help bedtime go more smoothly, they may fall asleep more easily and will be more cooperative the next morning - well worth the ten minute investment. 

Listen to the episode and you will be inspired to give it a go and reap the benefits for your family.

Happy new year!

Today I want to talk about the only new year’s resolution you need to make to get your parenting back on track. 

It is one of my favourite practices and it is probably the most effective and most important parenting strategy that you can start using straight away. 

January is a great time of year to reassess your parenting, to notice what needs to go and what you need to get back on track. 

Over Christmas we often drop the normal routines and bad habits can creep in so it is almost a relief when January comes around and we can get back on track again. 

But with that often comes self-judgement and self-criticism, especially when those good intentions don’t get off the ground or get quickly forgotten about. 

I’m here to show you a simple way to bring some self-love and kindness into your parenting - so you can be your own biggest cheerleader instead of your own worst enemy. 

I explain why being kind to yourself can be a total game changer in your parenting and I take you through 4 quick and easy steps to calm the inner critic and replace it with self-kindness. 

I also talk about the wider reasons that parenting is so hard and why we tend to blame ourselves for wider societal problems. 

It is so good to be back talking to you - wishing you a very happy and peaceful new year. 

Oh no, Christmas is almost upon us!

We all know that Christmas with small children doesn't always go smoothly.

The mix of excitement, lack of routine and excessive amounts of sugar doesn't always make for a peaceful holiday.

But fear not, I am your Christmas elf and I’m going to help you make it through the festive season with your sanity intact - and hopefully you will also be able to have some fun along the way.

We all need a pep talk at this time of year to get us through the lack of routine, the rollercoaster of excitement and disappointment, the meltdowns, the sugar highs and lows and the overwhelm that both parents and children feel at this time of year. 

We can so easily become stressed at this time of year - and our kids can too. 

So this episode is full of practical tips and reminders of small things you can do to boost connection, manage the meltdowns and hopefully get on track to having a peaceful and enjoyable Christmas season.

Warning - there will be meltdowns - and that’s ok! You can still make a memorable Christmas whilst navigating all the big feelings our little people throw at us. 

This is my last episode for 2023 so I would love to send you lots of seasonal Solstice love and a very peaceful new year.

The last thing exhausted parents want to hear is that they should be playing with their kids more - right?

Perhaps the thought of rough and tumble play fills you with dread, perhaps you have tried it and it all ended in tears, or perhaps you are curious about it but you aren't quite sure how to go about it.

This week I'm here to inspire you to give physical play a go with your kids.

In as little as 10 minutes a week you can bring more giggles, more connection and more fun to your family.

And instead of seeing it as one more thing you should be doing, I'm going to show you how you can introduce a sustainable way to play and how it will actually bring more cooperation and less drama to your home.

I share with you how physical play can give your kids:

• a felt sense of being loved and appreciated
• confidence
• a sense of agency
• practice at regulating their emotions
• an embodied experience of boundaries and consent
• a way to shake off sibling rivalries and conflict
• lots and lots of giggles!

I take you through 11 tips to make the most out of physical play in your family whether that is a weekly family wrestle or a pillow fight before bed. The benefits are huge to your family if you get the foundations right.

I would be so delighted to hear your success stories. You can email me hello@pamtheparentcoach.com.

And if you find physical play tricky, I'd love to hear from you too.

Some other playful episodes you might enjoy:

When parenting is hard, when we lose patience with our kids or we don’t have the motivation to give them the attention they need, we almost always blame ourselves. 

Parent’s ask me all the time what they can do in these tricky situations. They presume the fault lies with them, if only they responded differently, tried harder, did more, then things would be better. 

But what if none of it was your fault and the real reason parenting can be so very hard is that we are parenting in a very unnatural way that is in stark contrast to how we evolved as a species to raise our children and live in community together?

Today I am talking about self-forgiveness in parenting and why it is so very, very important as we all strive to be more gentle parents. In fact, I will go as far to say that it is difficult to be a gentle parent without extending that same empathy towards yourself.

Empathy is at the very heart of gentle parenting but it is often considered something we offer mainly to our children. But it is hard to offer something we aren’t receiving ourselves. If we want our children to be empathetic towards themselves and those around them, then (as with all things parenting) we need to model that same kind of empathy towards ourselves.

In this episode I talk about why self-love is so important and I describe a beautiful practice that you can start using straight away to bring more compassion into your life. So you can become your own best friend instead of allowing that critical voice to be your worst enemy. 

Timestamps:

[00:02:02] Default parenting and autopilot.

[00:03:36] Forgiving ourselves in parenting.

[00:08:05] Feeling bad after losing temper.

[00:11:43] Love and empathy for ourselves.

[00:15:08] Forgiving ourselves is important.

[00:18:17] Feeling guilty after losing it.

[00:22:02] Big emotions and self-compassion.

It is great to be back with season 3 of the podcast!

And today I’m talking about After-school Restraint Collapse.

You may not have heard this term - if you haven’t, it simply refers to the phenomenon of kids holding it together all day and then after-school they fall apart. They might have a meltdown in the car on the way home or they might be grumpy and short-tempered for the rest of the day, making everyone else's day miserable too.

I’m going to talk in depth about what causes After-School Restraint Collaps, why it’s on the increase, what’s going on at an emotional level and how we can deal with it.

I spend time looking at the big picture of why school isn't working for so many children and also what parents can do in the moment to support their child.

I talk about the coke bottle analogy - how the micro-stressors that children experience every day in school is like shaking up a bottle of coke.

Then, when they reconnect with you, their safe person, they stop trying to hold things together and all those bubbles come fizzing out - sometimes explosively so.

In this episode I talk in depth about the challenges many children face in a school system that is often not child friendly.

I want to emphasise here that there are many amazing teachers in the school system that are working hard to create safe, nurturing spaces for their students - thank you! We need more of you doing this work. And I also acknowledge that it is difficult for teachers to work within a system that has large class sizes and a focus on standardised testing of students. The reality is that many children struggle with the school system and we need to question why that is and what we can do about it.

I think it is important to focus on the big systemic issues as well as the very practical steps you can take to meet your child's physical and emotional needs after school.

00:00:16 Understanding after school restraint collapse. 00:05:28 Emotional support is crucial for children. 00:14:51 Schools can be stressful for kids. 00:17:05 Advocate for your child's needs. 00:20:42 Listen and believe your child. 00:25:58 Practice self-compassion in parenting. 00:30:35 Self-care for balanced parenting. 00:35:35 Connection and play help children process emotions. 00:42:07 Support and connect with parents.

This week on the podcast I am talking about boundaries and limits.

Boundaries in parenting are about understanding our own comfort levels and needs in a given moment with our children.

They are internal and help us establish limits with our kids.

These limits don't have to be harsh or controlling; they can be set in a gentle, loving, and warm manner. Boundaries and limits are not about trying to control our children but rather about being authentic with our children and maintaining our own well-being at the same time.

Setting boundaries is about honouring our own needs and comfort levels, which in turn allows us to have more compassion for others. When we communicate clear boundaries, we avoid resentment and are better able to meet the needs of our children. 

It is crucial to respect and honour our children's preferences and needs whenever possible, helping them develop a strong connection to themselves as they grow older. This can be challenging in today's world, but even small steps towards honouring their preferences can make a difference.

I invite parents to regularly check in with themselves when making parenting decisions, asking if they are comfortable with a situation in a given moment. By setting limits based on this self-assessment, parents can maintain an authentic connection with their child, rather than trying to control them.

This week on the podcast I am talking about how to help our children with frustration. 

I think frustration is one of the most difficult emotions to be with - because so often we end up frustrated ourselves. We quickly get frustrated with our children’s frustration. 

So this week I’m talking about how we can break out of that cycle of frustration and deal with it in a more emotionally mature way so we can support our children to offload their own frustrations and take on challenges in life without hiding away from the difficult things they are faced with. 

I talk about how to unravel our own stories around frustration, how to stay present and grounded in the moment, why connection (as always) is the key, whey we don’t have to shy away from the bigger feelings underneath the frustration and I also have some playful ideas to help in the moment and proactively at other times. 

And as always, I have a big dose of empathy for you - it is ok to show up as the messy, imperfect human you are to support your child with their big messy feelings. We are all imperfect parents figuring it out together. 

The podcast is back!
Today I’m asking when is a consequence actually a punishment? And how can I swap consequences for connection and still get my kids to bed on time??!
This episode was inspired by a parent who asked me about her child who was reluctant to get ready for bed. “If you don’t put on your pyjamas we won’t have time to read your bedtime story” Is this a consequence or a punishment?

Listen in to find out. 

In this episode, I discuss the fine line between consequences and punishments.
I ask the question of whether or not taking away a story at bedtime is a consequence or a punishment.
I explain that the key question to ask yourself is what is your agenda? If you are using the threat of losing a story as leverage to make your child do what you want, then it is a punishment.
However, if it is genuinely not possible to read the story due to time constraints, then it is a natural consequence.
I also discuss how it is important to be honest with yourself and to not use this as a way to manipulate or control your child's behaviour.
Timestamps:
00:03:45 Set realistic expectations.
00:06:25 Connect with your child through fun.
00:11:10 Boost connection before bed.

Welcome back to Part 2 of my parent q&a. In this episode I answer even more of your parenting questions from sibling rivalry, to teaching consent to helping children with aggression and much more.

The first question is about sibling rivalry and how you can set the foundations of a great sibling relationship between your children.

This week I share with you my six simple steps to help you stay calm in the chaos. 

This is a recording of a live workshop I delivered online last week. 

I share my six step RETURN process and lots of practical strategies you can put into place straight away to support you on your journey to becoming a peaceful parent.

I also share some big perspective shifts that I have learned along the way on my own journey to give up yelling and live out my values of respect and kindness in my parenting.

Today I want to share with you my favourite practice for finding my calm again when I’m feeling triggered.

In those moments my children need me to be the responsible adult who can regulate my system - who can bring my emotions back into balance again.

When you can regulate your emotions, it is the biggest gift to your child because it gives them a sense of safety so they can calm down too.

So the practice I share with you today has been massively effective at bringing me back from frustration, back into feeling calm and empathic towards my children.

I have so much more to share with you about how to keep your cool and stay calm in the moment so you can be the emotional anchor your child needs.

I remember a parent asking me a while back how he could take responsibility for the times he lost his temper with his kid. He felt apologising wasn’t enough if he was going to keep going back and making the same mistake again and again. That felt to him like an abusive relationship where the abuser keeps asking for forgiveness only to repeat the same pattern over and over again.

So this week I am talking about how we can take responsibility for the times we get triggered and why simply apologising when we lose it isn’t enough.

I’m going to share with you the three things I ask myself when I lose it with my kids to make sure I am taking responsibility, learning and growing in the process.

In this week’s episode I talk about why parenting is so hard in this modern world we live in and the three biggest reasons why I believe we get angry and lose it with our kids.

When we are feeling calm, patient and well-resourced, when all our needs are taken care of, when we have no worries, we have no stresses, at those times parenting is easy.

We know how to be loving, kind, respectful and patient towards our kids.

We can take the time to listen to them. We can see things from their side. We can be deeply empathic of their experience - and of course when we are in that place, parenting goes really well.

So our number one mission as parents is to take care of ourselves, make sure our needs are met, make sure we are well resourced and our nervous systems are feeling calm and regulated so we can take care of our children.

The thing is that there is a lot that gets in the way of that.

So today in the podcast I talk about the three biggest reasons we get angry with our kids.

When we see parenting with these reasons in mind, we can be more compassionate with ourselves and we can start to take action to be able to show up and parent with patience and empathy.

We've all had those comments from well-meaning (or not so well-meaning) family members, friends and even strangers:

"If you lift them up every time they cry you'll spoil them",

"I would never have dared answer back like that",

"Your child is out of control",

"You're being too soft on them".
​
So today I'm talking about how you can respond to these types of comments while still keeping your integrity and dignity!

We want to raise children who are considerate and kind towards others and who are grateful for everything we do for them, right?

A lot of parents worry that parenting in a gentle way without punishments or rewards will encourage children to be spoiled or entitled.

Is this the case?

Is it possible to raise children with respect and empathy without them turning into little brats who demand everything be done for them?

​

It's easier than you think!

In this episode I talk about:

• how our own beliefs and judgements can block our ability to be empathic towards our children
• shifting away from domination and control towards empathy and relationship
• how to look beyond children's behaviour and decode what's really going on for them
• why children often have a meltdown following a day full of connection and why they aren't being disrespectful
• how to set limits without harshness or scolding
• some great tips to model empathy and respect in your family.

Getting children dressed in the morning has to be one of the most common and most frustrating challenges for parents.

​If your child resists getting dressed and you end up arguing, cajoling and then finally losing your patience then you certainly aren't alone.

I invite you to listen to this week's episode where I talk about some fresh ideas to get mornings going more smoothly.

In this episode I talk about:

• the difference between control and relation-based parenting,
• why obedience isn't our goal,
• how to decode children's behaviour so you can understand and empathise with their underlying needs,
• why your needs matter too and how to find the balance,
• how a few simple practices can turn your morning around
• and I have two of my favourite getting dressed games to share with you - these have been tried and tested for years in my own family and the kids love them!

If you have a strong-willed child, you know about it and it's hard!

You look at other people's children and ask yourself why it all seems so easy for them. They seem to go through life without all the arguments and drama.

Meanwhile you are dealing with difficult behaviour, engaging in lengthy explanations and major meltdowns over things like putting on shoes or turning a screen off.

It is exhausting and almost impossible to keep your cool.

So why are some kids so strong-willed whilst others are compliant?

And how can you manage your strong-willed child without breaking their spirit but still having a peaceful home?

It is almost Christmas time and there is so much pressure on parents at this time of year to make memories, to make every moment special, to buy the perfect presents and to make sure your child has a great time.

On top of that we often spend more time with family members which comes with it’s own challenges.

The emotional load on parents, especially mums, is huge at this time of year.

Today I talk about how we can help our children with life’s small disappointments as well as the big challenges and changes that so many of us encounter.

One of the main roles of parents is to keep our children safe from harm, to protect them from the ups and downs of life.

But we can’t wrap them in bubble wrap and pretend the big bad world doesn’t exist.

No matter how careful we are, no matter what precautions we take, life happens.

Our children experience many disappointments and challenges that are beyond our control.

It can be so difficult to watch our children struggle with something. We want to make it better, we want to protect them, we want to reassure them that everything will be okay.

It might be small disappointments like losing at football or not being chosen for the school play or being excluded from a friendship group.

Or it might be big changes - like moving house, moving schools, losing a grandparent or other close family member, illness of a parent.

So how can be best support them when life doesn’t go their way?

Most of us have been there when our child is name calling or using swear words.

It usually brings up a big reaction in us. We respond harshly or we aren't sure how to respond at all.

And that is often where the desire to swear arises from with our children. They notice the reaction it brings up in us. Seeing this reaction is compelling to them.

Or perhaps name-calling can be something a child turns to when they are feeling grumpy and disconnected. They direct their discontent towards you or their sibling with words like "You're an idiot".

As always, I am interested in looking beyond controlling the behaviour and instead I always try to understand the feelings and needs driving that behaviour. When we take action from a place of empathy and emotional awareness it is much more effective and satisfying than focusing on changing behaviour.

So in this episode I talk about how we can respond to children when they swear or name-call and what we can do to prevent it or manage it in a connecting way.

When I became a parent I would have told you I had life figured out. If you had asked me about my emotional world, I couldn’t have explained much about it. 

Yes, I wanted my children to be ‘good with their emotions’,, but I wasn’t very good with my own emotions - so how was I supposed to model or teach this to my own children?

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, as well as recognise the emotions of those around you.

There is a lot of talk in parenting circles about consequences. So I wanted to spend a bit of time breaking down what exactly we mean by consequences, including logical consequences and natural consequences.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen parents in Facebook groups looking for help to think of a logical or a natural consequence for their child’s behaviour.

This comes from a belief that children will only learn from their actions if every behaviour has some kind of consequence.

The problem is that there is a very fine line between a consequence and a punishment.

It comes down to our motivation. Are we trying to manipulate our child’s behaviour so they behave in certain ways or are we there to support them and offer connection when they are struggling?

Once we get clear on our motivations, we can approach children’s behaviour with a level of trust and connection that will strengthen the parent-child relationship. When we try to control children’s behaviour through using systems of punishments and rewards, we are using our power over our children. This erodes trust and leads to more tricky behaviour in the long term.

If you haven’t already, you might want to check out last week’s episode 51 where I break down punishments and rewards.

There is a common myth that we have to reward good behaviour and have consequences for bad behaviour in order to get our children to listen and behave.

How do you get your kids to listen? What leverage do you have left as a parent if you can’t use a threat or a bribe to get your child to comply?

The problem is that rewards and punishments make children look outside of themselves for how to behave. Instead, you want to teach children to look within themselves, to their own internal compass of what is right and wrong.

In this episode I talk in depth about how using systems of rewards and punishments to control children’s behaviour can damage the parent-child relationship and lead to more disconnection and more conflict.

I also talk about the alternative to this type of conditional parenting which focuses on connection and building relationship as a way to help children stay connected to themselves and create a cooperative, happy home as a result.

Today I talk about respecting our children when they are hesitating or feeling uncertain about joining in at times like Halloween, but also other times like getting photos taken with Santa, joining in at birthday parties or participating in other activities you’ve signed them up for.

Whatever the situation may be, it is really common for young children to be uncertain at these times, to hesitate and hang back in your safety.

For me it always seemed like everyone else’s children were so much more confident and well-adjusted compared to my daughter who would be hiding her head in my leg and clinging on to me for dear life.

I would watch the other kids happily running around, taking part, enjoying themselves and I wanted that for my daughter.

I would have all these thoughts swirling around in my head - What is wrong with her? Why can’t she be more independent? I wish she was like the other kids.

But over time I became more adept at trusting my daughter and attuning to her and what she needed at those times.

Because when I thought about it, it was important to me to trust my daughter’s timing, to allow her to trust herself and what felt right for her so that as she grows up, she stays connected to what is right for her and what is out of her comfort zone - and she knows it is ok to trust and honour that.

Parents have a fear that if they don’t push their children then they will get left behind and they have to foster independence in their children from an early age. But when we focus on creating a secure attachment, this sets the stage for confidence in later life. It also allows kids to stay connected to their yes and no, to trust themselves.

In this episode I also discuss when there is a time and a place to support our children to do things they think are beyond them and how we can encourage them out of their comfort zone in a supportive and sensitive way, making space for their fears and worries, so they can move past them. All in a child-centred way that attunes to your child’s needs rather than acting out of your own fears and insecurities.

I share some practical responses you can use to reassure yourself and validate your child’s experience in these tricky moments when they are struggling to take part or feeling unsure of themselves.

The biggest gift you can give your children when they are struggling with big emotions, when they are frustrated or upset, is to be the calm in their storm.

It is your parenting superpower.

When you can come to the situation with calm, you can be the confident leader your child needs in that moment. You can model emotional regulation and help your child co-regulate with your balanced system.

If you join them in their upset, their frustration, their meltdown, their drama, then both your limbic systems go into fight, flight or freeze response. Neither of you can think well and nobody is going to be able to regulate their emotions very well.

If you aren’t able to stay calm, that’s when you start to take things personally, when you start to view your child as the enemy, you lose your perspective, you get swept away by thoughts like - “They’re manipulating me, they’re doing this on purpose, they should know better, how dare they behave like this after all I’ve done for them”.

It’s so hard not to get drawn in but that’s exactly what will be most helpful.

You stay as a compassionate observer.

In this episode I talk about seven ways you can keep your cool when your child is struggling:

1. Change your perspective
2. Adjust your expectations
3. Welcome strong emotions
4. Take a time out for you
5. Take care of your own nervous system
6. Notice when you are triggered and get the emotional support you need
7. Get your own needs met as a parent

This week I talk to Patty Wipfler, founder of Hand in Hand Parenting. 

Patty has been working with parents for 47 years. Over that time she has developed the parenting by connection approach, the five listening tools you hear me talk about on the podcast (Listening Partnerships for parents, Staylistening, Setting Limits, Special Time and Playlistening) and the Hand in Hand Parenting organisation which supports 1000s of parents around the world. 

In this episode Patty generously shares with us the story of her own childhood and how that had a profound influence on her life's work of making lives better for children and parents. Patty experienced from a very early age the impact parent stress can have on the family system and she has used that experience to guide her work with parents. 

Patty talks about how the Hand in Hand Parenting approach emerged firstly from being listened to herself and then through using the same principles to listen to children. She talks about the power of connection and the huge stress parents face in a world that doesn't support parents well. 

Patty embodies how listening to parents and children with warmth, love and respect can change the world. 

She has such deep compassion and wisdom to share with us, you are in for a real treat. 

This week I talk about how we can support our children to cope with grief, death and dying.

We want to protect our children from grief. It is such a difficult time if you and your family are experiencing grief, if there is a death in your immediate family, a parent, a grandparent, a close family member, a friend, someone in the community - or a much loved pet.

Your child might start to ask about death or they might have some big feelings if they lose someone they love.

In this episode I talk about how we can support our children to cope with grief, death and dying. I explore:

1. When children are asking a lot of questions about death, and are afraid of you or someone else they love dying.
2. How you can support a child who is experiencing grief themselves.
3. When you experience a loss, the effect that has on your child and how you can support yourself and your child through a difficult time.

This week I talk to writer, campaigner and journalist Molly Forbes. Molly is author of the book Body Happy Kids: how to help children and teens love the skin they’re in.

In this episode, Molly shares her own journey to becoming body happy and how that led to her passion to help parents and children be happy in their bodies too.

We go on to talk about a wide range of topics with lots of practical ideas to help you raise body happy kids and become more body happy yourself. We talk about:

• Anti-fat bias, thin privilege and how they are intertwined with sexism, racism and ableism.
• Why Molly talks about “body happy” instead of “body image”
• How to challenge the idea that some bodies are good bodies and some bodies are bad bodies depending on how they look
• Why body image is more than how we feel when we look in the mirror
• How to feel at peace with your body in a world that doesn’t equate appearance with value
• Ways to improve your own body happiness and undo your biases around weight and appearance so you can model this to your children
• Helping children recognise diet culture
• The myth that health is directly linked to body size
• Why we need to shift our focus from individual responsibility to addressing the bigger systems that influence our health and wellbeing.
• How to help children develop a long term healthy relationship with food and movement.

I talk a lot about connection on the podcast, it is at the heart of the Hand in Hand Parenting approach. And then I realised I’ve never done an episode dedicated to talking about connection.

So here it is - long overdue.

I often hear people ask - what exactly is gentle parenting? Or maybe they call it peaceful parenting, conscious parenting, respectful parenting or attachment parenting.

For me, gentle parenting is all about moving from control-based parenting to connection-based parenting.

Are we trying to control our children’s behaviour or are we trying to build cooperation through relationship and connection?

In this episode I discuss:

• Why gentle parenting means something different for everyone
• What control based parenting is and why it has been the dominant parenting style for so long
• How Hand in Hand Parenting takes a very different approach to understanding children’s behaviour
• The neuroscience of connection and how that impacts on children’s behaviour
• Why we can trust children’s true nature without having to control it
• How to respond to children when they’ve lost their sense of connection
• When connection doesn’t seem to be enough, what else can be getting in the way
• Why it can be so difficult to parent without control, especially when we are exhausted, stressed or under-resourced
• How to put all of these ideas into practice using the Hand in Hand Parenting tools.

In this week’s episode I talk about raising children who are able to stay connected to their true selves.

In this week’s episode I talk about raising children who are able to stay connected to their true selves.

I believe the only way to be truly content and satisfied in life is to be able to stay connected to ourselves and what we truly want and need in life.

When we are able to act from a place of connection to ourselves and make decisions based on what is in line with our true selves, I believe it is the best way to live a happy, satisfying and fulfilling life.

However, we often learn very early on that it isn’t ok to be ourselves. We have to change what we want or need to meet the needs of others, or to avoid disappointing others.

So how do we help our children stay connected to themselves - so they don’t have to spend half their adult life figuring that out?

In this episode I talk about:

• Doing our own emotional work to reconnect with ourselves so we can model to our children how to be true to ourselves whilst still being compassionate to others.
• Taking our kids and their feelings seriously so they learn that it’s ok to be themselves.
• How to make sure our love isn’t conditional on whether our children behave in a certain way.
• Giving children as much autonomy as you can without being permissive.
• Help our children stand up for themselves through the power of play.
• How to be accepting of our kids when they aren’t able to be themselves.

Most of us have big hopes and dreams for our children when we become parents. The type of people they will grow up to be, the type of relationship they will have with us as they grow and eventually become adults.

But so often those hopes and dreams seem to get swamped in the day to day chaos of parenting.

I believe we all hope to have a close and loving relationship with our children throughout their lives as they grow up into adults.

So in this episode I share my 10 tips to raising children who will actually like you when they grow up.

I always like to zoom out and think about the bigger picture of what we're trying to achieve with our children in terms of our long term relationship with them. Yes, we want parenting to be easier in the moment. It can be easier to tell a white lie or use a bribe to get them into the car quicker - but there is a long term cost to that. So we need to keep the long term goals in mind too whenever we have the space to do so.

And the great news is that connection based parenting builds cooperation for the right reasons - kids stay connected to themselves, they grow up to be intrinsically motivated instead of looking at what's in it for them. They feel seen, they feel heard, even when you have to say no. Their feelings are held safely, you support them through their upsets so they learn that they don’t have to hide their feelings from you.

This is the basis for a close, lasting relationship and it is exactly what we work on in my Peaceful Parent School, a 12 week transformative program shifting you from overwhelm and frustration into a calm and confident leader in your home.

Welcome back to season 2 of the podcast!

For many of us here in the northern hemisphere, summer has come to an end and we are getting back to our routines: whether that is starting school or childcare for the first time or returning after the summer break. For those who home educate, it might be adjusting to having less friends around and finding a new routine. 

People are sharing their back to school photos on social media. Everyone is looking shiny and excited. However, if you and your child are struggling with this transition you aren't alone. We don't talk about the challenges of going back to school enough. 

We often prepare very well for school on a physical or practical level - we buy uniforms, new shoes, lunch box, stationary, whatever your child needs.

But what about preparing our children on an emotional level?

In this week's episode I discuss my nine tips to help you pack and unpack your child’s emotional backpack. These are the strategies I found most effective when supporting my daughter with returning to school. She had huge resistance to school, we battled with that for 4 years and ultimately we decided to home educate. I did everything I could to help my daughter settle in to school, but I could no longer ignore the negative effect it was having on her. I know that isn’t an option for everyone and many kids do well at school with a bit of extra emotional support. 

Listen to the full episode to hear how to implement these ideas: 

1. Unpack your own emotional baggage first
2. Take 5 minutes to fill up your child’s emotional backpack with love and connection before the school day starts.
3. Slow down the morning and find small ways to connect
4. Find the silliness - the language of children is play and the quickest way to connect is through laughter. 
5. Make room for feelings - validate instead of dismiss
6. Remember that your child is doing their best - and so are you. 
7. The long goodbye - don't rush the drop-off and make space for feelings of upset
8. Reconnect after school 
9. Expect upset after school  - they need to empty out their backpack and often they need your help to find their balance again. 

If you want to hear more about how connection-based parenting can work for you so you can find respectful strategies that really work to get your child listening - without ending up shouting, without resorting to threats and bribes, then I would like to invite you to my next Masterclass. It is on Tuesday 6th September at 8pm UK time, that is 12pm Pacific time and 3pm Eastern time.

When my daughter became a toddler, I felt totally lost.

I didn’t know what I was doing.

I felt capable in other areas of my life - but family life was chaotic.

I didn’t know how to say no without upsetting her.

So I would do anything to keep the peace.

Until I got frustrated and ended up shouting.

Then I discovered practical tools that made gentle parenting a reality for me.

Six months later I was super confident as a parent.

Parenting was still intense and challenging but the shouting was under control and there was so much more laughter.

So let me share what I learned along the way so you can make this happen too.

This is the last episode in the season, I will be back in September with Season 2. 

If you would like a copy of my free guide Solving Parenting Challenges Through Play so you don’t have to overpower your child and enter into standoffs and power struggles, then all you need to do is leave a review or share this podcast with a friend or on your social media. Let me know and I will send you a copy of the guide.

Today I am talking about the summer holidays.

Whether your kids are off school already or finishing up in the next week or so, it is normal to have mixed feelings about the summer break.

Maybe you are relieved to  be finished with the school run for a few weeks or maybe you have to work and you’re stressing about juggling childcare and summer camps.

You might be home alone a lot with your kids and you’re not quite sure how you are going to manage the change in routine - should you go with the flow or should you create a timetable or structure for your time off?

You might be going away on holidays or going to visit family, or have family come and stay with you - this can add an extra layer of stress as you have to navigate those changes and relationships.

And then there are the expectations - you feel like you have to make memories for your children, you have to make the most of the summer, arrange trips and fun activities to do. You might feel responsible for everyone enjoying themselves and if they don’t it’s on you.

It’s normal to have all these concerns and worries.

On this episode I talk about six ways to help you survive and thrive over the summer holidays:

1. How planning for daily connection can make your whole day run more smoothly
2. How investing the time in arranging for other children to be around can take the pressure of you to be the main source of fun and play.
3. Why you don’t have to shy away from boredom and how to manage it
4. What really creates happy childhood memories - it doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive.
5. Why taking care of yourself is possibly the most important thing you’ll do all summer
6. Why you should expect big feelings to arise when you spend lots of time with your kids.

On today’s show I am interviewing online child safety expert and founder of Not My Kid, Jen Hoey.

Jen has personal experience of how vulnerable our children can be online so just a word of warning that this episode might not be appropriate for any little ears that may be listening. You might want to put your ear buds in as we discuss online predators and themes around sex education and adult content online.

This episode is full of great advice and practical ways you can keep your child safe online if, like me, this is something you just haven’t had time to think fully about.

In this episode we talk about:

• Jen’s personal experience of supporting her daughter who was exposed to an online predator
• Why it is so hard for children to share difficult experiences with us and what we can do help them trust us enough to come to us when things go wrong
• Online risks parents need to be aware of including online predators on online games, inappropriate content including porn, horror, cyber-bullying.
• How online gaming and social media affects children through the teenage years and what we can do now to plan for that.
• Jen’s 3 essential tips for keeping your children safe online
• The limitations of parental controls and what you can do to fill in the gaps
• The importance of explaining to your child why you have parental controls and rules in place.
• What parents need to know about the dangers of TikTok and Snapchat - Jen’s most hated apps!
• Why talking to our children about sex and porn is essential, even for children under 10.

Jen shares her recommendations around screen use and internet access with us based on her extensive knowledge and experience. I deeply trust how each of us chooses to parent our children - there are a 1000 ways to raise a child - so I invite you to take what information works for you and leave anything that doesn’t. This isn’t about making anyone feel guilty or lesser than for any of their parenting choices, especially around screen time. I know that each of us does our very best with the information we have at the time. I hope this episode gives you the information you need so you can make informed decisions in a way that works best for you and your family.

I hope you enjoy the episode

Read about Jen’s story on her website https://www.notmykid.com.au/

How can we can teach our children about consent and bodily autonomy?

How we can teach our children that they are in control of their own bodies and also how to be respectful of other people’s boundaries?

It’s never too young to start teaching our kids about consent. From the time our children are young babies we can start laying the foundations of helping our children to be aware of themselves and others.

Why is this important?

We want our children to have a strong sense of themselves, to be in control of what happens to them and to be able to speak out against injustice whenever they see it.

We want our children to be able to advocate for themselves when their boundaries are breached and to be aware and respectful of other people’s boundaries.

In this episode I talk about:

• When and how we can start laying the foundations for teaching our kids about consent.
• Why teaching consent is much more than just talking about it or reading books.
• How  children learn consent through how we interact with them.
• How we can raise children to stay connected to their own wishes and desires and at the same time be aware of the impact their actions have on others
• How we can use power reversal games and physical play to help our children understand consent on a physical and emotional level
• Why modelling good boundaries and setting limits without being permissive is an important part of teaching consent to children
• How we can build cooperation through play so we don’t have to overpower our children
• How to set limits with family members who expect a child to give them a hug or kiss.
• How our own reactions can make this really hard and what we can do to continuously learn and grow in our own practice of consent and boundaries.
• Why we don’t have to be perfect and it’s ok to make lots of mistakes.

I hope you enjoy the episode.

If you would like a copy of my free guide Solving Parenting Challenges Through Play so you don’t have to overpower your child and enter into standoffs and power struggles, then all you need to do is leave a review or share this podcast with a friend or on your social media. Let me know and I will send you a copy of the guide.

So much parenting advice centres on our children. What we should do or say to make things go more smoothly, tools we can employ to get our kids cooperating or behaving in a way that will make life easier for us.

In this episode I talk about a much overlooked parenting tool - taking care of ourselves.

By focusing on ourselves, noticing what we need and finding ways to meet our needs, we can transform our parenting.

The thing is, we know how to parent well when we are feeling well rested, fulfilled and unstressed.

So how about starting with ourselves. Taking care of our own needs so we can show up for our kids as the calm and confident leaders they need.

In this episode I talk about:

• Why getting your own needs met is far from selfish
• How our society doesn’t value or encourage parents to think about their own needs.
• How the way we take care of ourselves is a template for how our children will take care of themselves as adults,
• How our own mothers set the template for us and how we can become aware and shift that,
• Noticing when we want to say yes and no,
• Noticing our needs and honouring them whenever possible,
• The many ways we as humans need to get out physical, social, emotional, mental and spiritual needs met to feel complete,
• How we can start to prioritise our needs so we can show up to parenting with more joy and hope.