How Picard can it be?
By Chris & Jenny Phin
How Picard can it be?May 11, 2022
Sorry seems to be the Picardest word, with Kelly Guimont
Frustration! As Q is less of a Thing than we had hoped. Excitement! With the Borg sisters doing it for themselves. Confusion! As Rios is pushed into a boring romantic sub-plot instead of doing anything useful. All this plus crochet, Cabaret, and some very questionable bra-related puns. Join us – who cares about your finite mortal life?
Links:
- Kelly on Twitter https://twitter.com/verso
- Cabaret’s 50th anniversary re-issue https://www.parkcircus.com/latest/P2596-Cabaret-turns-50
- Reddit: ‘Why can’t machines crochet?’ https://reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/ulueeo/_/i7y6rgt/
- Playtex and NASA https://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/what-did-playtex-have-to-do-with-neil-armstrong-16588944/
- Jenny’s magic hexagon cardigan https://makeanddocrew.com/day-date-easy-crochet-sweater-pattern/
The Shit Hits The Fan, with Iain McDonald
We’re hoping that the Star Trek superfans don’t need or want detailed episode recaps, and nor do people who don’t like Star Trek, because we’ve got none of ’em for you today, folks. Plus, be warned, our guest this week is definitely a fan of Star Trek, but definitely not a fan of Star Trek Picard.
Links:
- The different Star Trek doctors and how they would react to you walking into sickbay with something vaguely phallic stuck in your butt, a thread: https://mobile.twitter.com/SkyVasNormandy/status/1520249110904803329
- Grayson’s Art Club: https://www.graysonsartclub.com
- Moon Knight: https://www.disneyplus.com/en-gb/series/wp/4S3oOF1knocS
- Lady Dynamite (the Maria Bamford programme): https://www.netflix.com/title/80046193
- New Terry Pratchett audiobooks: https://www.terrypratchettbooks.com/discworld-audio-announcement/
- Cuddle Club: https://play.acast.com/s/cuddleclub/
- Everything Everywhere All at Once: https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/everything_everywhere_all_at_once
Timely Phinterruption, with Gordon Barr and Jenny Bann
We lose our way in a dazzling display of incompetence, only to be rescued by our nefarious alternate-timeline hosts Gordon and Jenny who show us up in spectacular style. Meanwhile, Chris reads some beautiful internet words and watches a kids’ film, Oscar Isaac says we can call him Daddy, and actual good journalist Alex Watson steps in to calm everyone the hell down.
You’re not so much a listener as an aural hostage at this point. Sorry.
Guests hosts:
Gordon Barr on Twitter: https://twitter.com/gordonbarr
Jenny Bann on Twitter: https://twitter.com/calluna_
Links:
- The Sopranos on Prime Video https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/video/detail/B00FZN7PZ0
- The Middleman on Prime Video https://watch.amazon.co.uk/detail?gti=amzn1.dv.gti.86acfa5f-9d07-dc83-9507-73006af037dc
- Michele Catalano’s Twitter as a Gathering Place https://michelecat.substack.com/p/twitter-as-gathering-place
- Michael Clark: Cosmic Dancer at V&A Dundee https://www.vam.ac.uk/dundee/exhibitions/michael-clark-cosmic-dancer
- The Bad Guys trailer https://youtu.be/n1rDn0hExXQ
- The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent https://m.imdb.com/title/tt11291274/
- Alex Watson’s Don’t Dismiss Cities That Fought to Rebuild from Nothing https://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/fp/opinion/columnists/4159598/dont-dismiss-cities-rebuilt-from-nothing-alex-watson-opinion/
Kore On Up The Cyber, with Jim McCauley
Ríos nails his Bond audition, Pill takes Manhattan, the Queen has new boots, and Kore performs a rudimentary Google search in possibly the biggest font ever used.
Meanwhile, Chris enjoys theme tunes and science-y stuff then loses his damn mind explaining ice cube economics, while Jenny recommends crisps and encounters some real-life Viking treasure. Thankfully, Jim returns to be super-cool and explain almost everything. Except the ice cube bit.
Links
- Jim on Twitter https://twitter.com/jimmccauley
- Kleptones https://kleptones.bandcamp.com
- Fortunately… https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p04x5pd7/episodes/player
- Energy Voice Out Loud episode on heat networks https://pod.fo/e/119ecd
- The Galloway Hoard https://www.kirkcudbrightgalleries.org.uk/the-galloway-hoard/
- Wash n Go ad https://youtu.be/abA7aUM4F8w
You ain’t never seen a queen like me, with Peter Cohen
The queen is dead; long live the queen! (But fuck you, Elnor.) The gang mount a Mission Impossible-style heist, apparently tired of thinking up weirdy-alien names the script writers bring on Adam and bring back Gary, and perpetually alone Dr Jurati gives a very literal interpretation of that timeless Bon Jovi lyric, ‘Shot through the organic tissue at the base of the cerebellum / And you’re to blame / You give coercive control in a relationship / A bad name’.
Links
- Peter Cohen on Twitter: https://twitter.com/flargh/
- Baby name data journalism: https://www.thecourier.co.uk/tag/scottish-baby-names/
- Prehistoric Planet trailer: https://youtu.be/Jk4ZlVEtjsc
- Animal Crossing: https://www.animal-crossing.com/new-horizons/
- Moon Knight: https://www.disneyplus.com/en-gb/series/moon-knight/4S3oOF1knocS
- The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent trailer: https://youtu.be/x2YHPZMj8r4
- Wild Men trailer: https://youtu.be/W9_FAzbaSNs
Whole-body holistic weirdoes, with Dr Sarah Bickerton
It’s fair to say the non-Picard chat this episode (from 21:00) is more lucid and engaging than the Picard chat that preceded it, but as always, our guest – this week, the erudite and lovely Dr Sarah Bickerton – adds some Actually Good Star Trek Discourse. We would promise to do better next week, but we respect you too much to lie to you.
Links
- The Hermit of Treig: https://www.screen.scot/film-in-scotland/made-in-scotland/film/the-hermit-of-treig
- Daniel Durant on how he got into music: https://www.tiktok.com/@kellyclarksonshow/video/7076194886931778859
- The Worst Person in the World: https://mk2films.com/en/film/the-worst-person-in-the-world/
- James Morrison, artist: https://scottish-gallery.co.uk/artist/james-morrison
Sparks Fly (Backwards), with Dan Moren
“Hey, the kid’s finally asleep. Why don’t we watch episode three and then record the podcast about it?” Reader, you’ll see why. But! As tired and incoherent as Jenny and Chris are, the episode was bouncy, pacy, and tight; it’s a nightmarish Kafkaesque seesaw of ability and talent. Plus, we get this series’ first genuinely creepy moment, more Pill love, and we recommend a year-old piece global phenomenon as if it’s a just-released indie sleeper hit that needs all the promo it can get. 🤷 Thank the lord for our guest, Dan Moren.
Links
- Author, podcaster and writer Dan Moren https://dmoren.com
- Inside https://www.netflix.com/gb/title/81289483
- Human Resources https://www.netflix.com/gb/title/81092963
Trousers of Time, All Back to Mine, with Jonathan Smith
Jumping to light speed, with Dave Bradley
Links
Dave Bradley on Twitter twitter.com/BoxDaveB
Hear more Dave on Robby The Robot’s Waiting twitter.com/robbyscifi
SFX’s world exclusive Picard cover – hang it in your room! www.magazinesdirect.com/az-magazines/6937139/sfx-magazine-single-issue.thtml
All about Makaton signing makaton.org
Thursday Murder Club www.hive.co.uk/Product/Richard-Osman/The-Thursday-Murder-Club--The-Record-Breaking-Sunday-Time/25344910
Arrival leaves Netflix UK 31 March! www.netflix.com/gb/title/80117799
Season 2 look-ahead
Need a distraction from literally everything? Join us as we forget what little we ever knew about Picard, and talk Star Trek with our actually-knowledgeable guest and friend, Ant.
Featuring! Photos with Patrick Stewart! Offending Michael Dorn! The Batman excitement! CODA’s Oscar hopes! And more!
Links
- Be friends with Ant! https://twitter.com/antinbath
- Gates McFadden’s Twitter for all your ghost dating needs https://twitter.com/gates_mcfadden
- Ship-Talking Podcast https://www.shiptalkingpod.com
- The Well podcast https://thewellpod.com
- Clear + Vivid with Alan Alda http://alanalda.com
- Troy Katsur inventing ASL swears https://www.latimes.com/entertainment-arts/awards/story/2022-02-22/troy-kotsur-raunchy-loving-dad-in-coda
Be Our Guest! (Be Our Guest!)
We’re joined by special guests/innocent bystanders Simon Brew and Jim McCauley for a musicals double-header! Join us for a collective flip-out as Cats and Hamilton come to the small screen in the lockdown week that might finally tip us over the edge. Meanwhile, Chris gives all his mics away, Jenny channels Hercules Mulligan, and Siri is our co-pilot.
Cats chat (confusing if you’re French) starts at 3:38
Hamilchat starts at 32:29
Links:
- Simon Brew on Twitter https://twitter.com/simonbrew
- Jim McCauley on Twitter https://twitter.com/jimmccauley
- Cats https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/cats_2019
- Hamilton trailer https://youtu.be/DSCKfXpAGHc
- The first Hamilton White House performance https://youtu.be/WNFf7nMIGnE
- Jenny’s Hamilton/anxiety roadtrip http://jennyphin.com/blog/my-epic-journey-to-see-hamilton-or-how-i-took-my-anxiety-disorder-on-a-road-trip-and-you-totally-can-too/
Jennifer Aniston Is Blameless
We watch (some of) your recommendations in another Star Trek-free episode! Join us as we chat dystopian self-love in See, dubious apologies in The Morning Show, and ask if infertility can ever be funny after the fact. Meanwhile, Chris enjoys “tart with a heart” Billy Crudup, the Chris Evans Career Clinic gains an unexpected ally, and Jenny just wants to get through a kids’ film emotionally unscathed. Listen now! Or don’t!
We watched:
- The Morning Show https://tv.apple.com/gb/show/the-morning-show
- Defending Jacob https://tv.apple.com/gb/show/defending-jacob
- See https://tv.apple.com/gb/show/see
- Grayson’s Art Club https://www.channel4.com/programmes/graysons-art-club
- The Good Dinosaur https://www.pixar.com/feature-films/the-good-dinosaur
- Onward https://www.pixar.com/onward
Links:
- The Descent of Man https://www.hive.co.uk/Product/Grayson-Perry/The-Descent-of-Man/20517435
- The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read https://www.hive.co.uk/Product/Philippa-Perry/The-Book-You-Wish-Your-Parents-Had-Read-and-Your-Children/23504588
- Grayson Perry on Twitter https://twitter.com/alan_measles
- Philippa Perry on Twitter https://twitter.com/Philippa_Perry
- Gifted https://m.imdb.com/title/tt4481414/
- You Can Count On Me https://m.imdb.com/title/tt0203230/
- Bonkers nursing in Fantastic Four https://youtu.be/xNjpuX5rLzQ
Thanks to everyone who got in touch – especially @antinbath and @bzamayo on Twitter.
Final thing! We done got an Insta now!
ⓘ https://www.instagram.com/howpicard
ⓣ https://twitter.com/howpicard
256 Shades of Grey
Join us as we achieve a shocking 0% Picard in this Apple TV+ special episode! We discuss household favourites Defending Jacob, The Morning Show and Fraggle Rock: Rock On. Hold tight as Chris shares his tales of the Apple PR phone tree, Jenny is distressed by a crime scene coffee break, and absolutely no one knows who Jack Davenport is. Probably the most-qualified we’ve ever been to host our own podcast! And yet…
Fin
Picard concludes with one of the most obliging baddies in Star Trek history! We somehow find a way to both applaud and disparage the finale in equal measure. PLUS! Chris doubles-down on his Off Menu recommendation, Jenny fails to watch The Mandalorian, and everyone is tired. Join us, for possibly the only podcast in town recorded by people still in the same room! Maybe forever! Send snacks!
Picard stuff ends at 16:30.
Links
- Off Menu with Joe Thomas: https://podcasts.apple.com/za/podcast/ep-50-joe-thomas/id1442950743?i=1000468742948
- On Disney+: Vampirina, Aladdin (2019)
Plus!
- Knives Out Twitter thread that made Jenny hysterical: https://twitter.com/knivesout/status/1227332234148970499?s=21
Shame on you, Agnes!
Two crash-landings but no one bats a synthetic eye, as the penultimate episode builds to an exciting† climax! Meanwhile, Chris pushes his Pill agenda, Jenny’s Disney+ expectations are sky-high, everyone loves Mae Martin, and we are the first people to mention Mickey Blue Eyes in at least a decade.
† Excitement not guaranteed.
Links
- Utopia chic: https://www.reddit.com/r/sto/comments/9ygayn/we_need_these_outfits_from_tng_i_believe_it_was/
- Pope/Pryce meme (can’t find the coronavirus one particularly): https://zodab.com/memes/meirl-89
- Jonathan Frakes mashup meme: https://twitter.com/ShesSoOffbeat/status/1239756410805727232
Beautiful Flower
You don’t have to be Rios to work here, but it helps. El capitán finally gets some backstory in an episode that flies in the face of ‘show, don’t tell’ and lands directly in the path of ‘Ken’. Meanwhile, Chris gets an award, Jenny is broken by child wrangling in isolation, and no one wants the fancy pasta shapes.
⚠️ CONTENT WARNING: Mild discussion of self-harm.
Picard stuff ends 12 minutes in.
Links
- Old School podcast: https://www.thebiglight.com/oldschool
- Northern Goal podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/aberdeen-fc-chairman-dave-cormack-on-scottish-footballs/id1494721739?i=1000468313550
Cabin Fever
Picard finds a slice of heaven with old friends, Rios demonstrates his incredible Y-ligament, and Alison Pill acts the pants off everyone else. Meanwhile, Chris turns 40 and falls asleep, Jenny loves cabins and Dead Eyes, and everyone bickers.
Join us for another great episode of Broughty Ferry’s best* spouse-hosted Picard-themed pop culture podcast!
Picard stuff ends at 18:38.
Get in touch at twitter.com/HowPicard, or email HowPicard@gmail.com!
Links
- The pizza box https://twitter.com/jonathansfrakes/status/1236685565652643842
- Raising Steam (not Snuff, as Chris’s addled mind had it when we recorded…) https://wiki.lspace.org/mediawiki/Book:Raising_Steam
- Dog Loves Books https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/m000fzqw/dog-loves-books
- Dead Eyes https://headgum.com/dead-eyes
- How To Fail, with Elizabeth Day https://howtofail.podbean.com
*only
Soji Pants
Boom, shake the room! But please check the booking sheet first. The action heats up on The Artifact. Meanwhile, Lemsip-addled Jenny both loves and hates Birds of Prey, Chris reveals his insane podcast-listening strategy, and there are a lot of uncomfortable questions about the DCEU. This is less of a show description than a warning from the future.
Picard stuff ends at 16:23.
Links
- Birds of Prey and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn: https://www.dca.org.uk/whats-on/event/birds-of-prey-and-the-fantabulous-emancipation-of-one-harley-quinn
- Shannon Keating’s article on heteropessimism: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/shannonkeating/straight-romance-heteropessimism-marriage-story
- …and the one about finding a partner on a lesbian cruise that first introduced her writing to Chris: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/shannonkeating/lesbian-cruise
- Susan Calman’s Mrs Brightside with Sofie Hagen: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/susan-calmans-mrs-brightside/id1495376244?i=1000465777327
- The Princess and the Frog soundtrack: https://open.spotify.com/album/1gq7uhfNW4QMeRr9msV68P
- Not exactly the You’re Welcome clip Jenny referenced, but skip to 1:10 to hear Lin-Manuel add some extra bars: https://youtu.be/0DLzyvT4eUo
Take a chill, Pill!
Do you love space heists and hate eyeballs? Then have we got the Picard episode for you! Meanwhile, Jenny slacks off to watch Snowpiercer, Chris enthuses about Canadian manufacturing, and no one wants to endorse Top Gear. Plus! Don’t miss a great SpongeBob Squarepants research opportunity. Dive in: it’s the incredibly low-energy episode you don’t deserve… and yet here we are.
Picard bit ends at around 8:50.
Some links for ya:
[Sadly only the first part of] That Alan Partridge episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A7nl-so8MU0
The track from – except it turns out it isn’t – the debut episode of SpongeBob Squarepants: https://open.spotify.com/track/1PmXm1881bonBI1AlG5uaH
Way of Absolute Meander
Hold on tight as Picard picks up pace! We get excited about warrior nuns and a familiar face, while the Borg cube makes another orbit of Planet Exposition. Meanwhile, Chris loves Mary Beard, bottoms are objectively funny, and Jenny hosts her bi-annual Chris Evans Career Clinic. All this plus Parasite, office Oscar comp news and not much more! Honestly, you could just do some Duolingo or work on your core.
Picard section starts basically at about 10 seconds in and contains spoilers, but you can skip to 13:50 if you want to mostly avoid the Picard chat — though there are mild spoilers about what we didn't see starting at around 41:32.
Picard! In! Spaaace!
Set your phasers to EXCITE as Picard finally boards a ship and gets a ragtag crew of misfits together for one last mission. But where the hell is his dog? Meanwhile, Chris earns hipster cred by hosting a Japanese film screening, then instantly loses it by referencing both Austin Powers and Galaxy Quest in quick succession. Jenny fails to see Parasite, launches an impassioned defence of Jojo Rabbit, and takes the office Oscars competition far too seriously. Dive in! Waste more minutes of your precious life!
We done a Twitter too. Follow us, if you like, at twitter.com/HowPicard
The difficult second episode
Too long, too indulgent, too pretentious. But with some excellent name-dropping. Klang!
The starting is easy
Hey, we’re two white middle-class people with a microphone! Why don’t we make a rambling and ill-considered podcast about TV and films? Note: this is to amuse nobody but ourselves.