If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me

Welcome to The Big Skedaddle, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, as fugitives haunted by our past, we talk “Storyteller.”

In this episode, we place our thoughts in the drawer with the other utensils:

• Mario Asides (2:00)
• Plot and Firsts (7:30)
• Initial Thoughts (17:30)
• Andrew Temperature Check (22:40)
• All My Exes Live in Tex… the same house as me (32:20)
• Is Filming Advisable? (40:00)
• Reason or Ridiculous? — Buffy and Wood talk about Hellmouth and Slayer shit at work? A student explodes and no one reacts? Andrew never noticed writing on Jonathan killing knife? (50:10)
• Yelling (58:00)
• Watches (1:24:40)
• Rankings (1:31:30)

Welcome to Fisherman’s Nuggets with Cheese, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we begin our semi-annual percolation with “Get It Done.”

In this episode, we get nowhere near:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts (9:00)
• The Kennedy Grace Train Has Ended — Potential Trash, Elevate Dawn (12:00)
• Buffy’s The Speech — Is She Mad or Is This Motivation? (19:15)
• Willow’s Magical Mystery Tour (40:00)
• Shadow Plays, Boxes & Bags (46:00)
• Why Does Buffy Turn Down Extra Power? Also, Have We Forgotten About Faith? (52:30)
• Reasonable or Ridiculous? — Kennedy Says Demons Should Go After Demon Instead of Spike? Anya Asking Spike on Date? Buffy Has Started A Paramilitary Group of Children in Her Backyard and the FBI Hasn’t Descended Upon Her House? (56:00)
• Yelling (1:00:00)
• Watches (1:25:10)
• Rankings (1:35:30)

Welcome to Mr. Bits, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we take a huge bite of peaches and brandy and bliss out to “First Date.”

In this episode, we love it when you look at us, baby:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts (14:00)
• Chips Ahoy - Spike (18:30)
• First Date — Xander & Ashanti (30:30)
• First Date — Buffy & Robin (42:45)
• Reasonable or Ridiculous? — Keeping incriminating collection of weapons in public school? An adult British man is able to abduct a girl without impediment? Reading microwave manual to program? (57:10)
• Yelling (1:03:00)
• Watches (1:30:45)
• Rankings (1:45:45)

Welcome to House of Chicks, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we go on a date with a teenager and talk about “The Killer in Me.”

In this episode, we wonder what’s the point:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Angel Update (”Salvage”) (13:00)
• Initial Thoughts (17:00)
• Amy (29:00)
• Kennedy and Willow: A “Love” Story (36:40)
• Reasonable or Ridiculous — Initiative waits for Buffy? Willow goes to bake-sale Wiccas instead of powerful Coven? No has seen Giles touch or eat anything? (1:00:10)
• Yelling (1:09:45)
• Watches (1:33:20)
• Rankings (1:41:30)

Welcome to A Big Furry Hurry, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we oscillate between nothing special and extraordinary with “Potential.”

In this episode, we we didn’t mean “Potential Sailors,” when we talk:

Welcome to Claddagh Ring, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we’re treading water stylistically as we talk “Showtime”

In this episode, we offer sexual bribery to:

• Plot and Firsts (4:00)
• Initial Thoughts (11:00)
• Potentials (13:30)
• Potential Liabilities (20:30)
• How A Slayer Becomes A Law (24:00)
• Beyond Thunderdome (28:15)
• Beljoxa's Eye (35:30)
• Corporality (45:00)
• Telling, Not Showing (50:00)
• Reasonable or Ridiculous — First As Eve with Scoobies for 36 hours? No one is sleeping in basement? First time we hear of Beljoxa’s Eye? (55:00)
• Yelling (58:30)
• Watches (1:24:30)
• Rankings (1:30:30)

Welcome to The Glove of Myhnegon, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, we grab shovels to help in the basement at Sunnydale High in “Bring on the Night.”

In this episode, we run down the backstreets of Sunnydale screaming:

• Plot and Firsts (3:00)
• Farewell to Joyce (13:00)
• Initial Thoughts (15:00)
• How do you feel about The First? Can you run out of teenage girls? How compelling is this? (20:00)
• Buffy’s Speech — why didn’t she go to the hospital? (26:30)
• The First as commentary on the morality of death? (29:10)
• An Update on Lore (41:00)
• Reasonable or Ridiculous? — Buffy didn’t go to the hospital? Annabelle’s Plan? I’m in the school basement holding a shovel because…? (58:10)
• Yelling (1:06:20)
• Watches (1:30:30)
• Rankings (1:37:00)

Welcome to Vampy Cat, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we tie ourselves to a chair and talk about “Never Leave Me.”

In this episode, we prime the pump about:

• Plot and Firsts (2:45)
• Initial Thoughts (11:30)
• How Does The Council? (13:30)
• Why Do They Hate Buffy So Much? (22:00)
• Talk About Potential Slayers (26:00)
• William the Bloody — Can We Kill Spike Now? Or Does Buffy Believe He’s Changed? (31:00)
• What’s Up with Principal Robin Wood? (46:30)
• Reasonable or Ridiculous? — Buffy ties Spike to wooden chair? Buffy feeds Spike from bag of blood? Willow uses zero magic to defend herself and others? (52:30)
• Yelling (57:00)
• Watches (1:18:45)
• Rankings (1:28:00)

Welcome to Orbs of Nezzla'Khan, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, we dig up 634 Hoffman Terrace to see what secrets we’ve hid in “Sleeper.”

In this episode, we break ground for:

• JAG aside (2:00)
• Plot and Firsts (5:30)
• Initial Thoughts (15:00)
• Spike’s Killing People, How Invested Are You? (18:15)
• Mann I Hate Playing Vampire Towns (21:00)
• Should Spike Be Held Responsible For Murder? (25:30)
• Does Buffy Believe Spike’s Killing Until the Basement? (31:00)
• Why Not Immediately Confront Spike? (36:00)
• Reasonable or Ridiculous?! — Woman goes off with man one second after she meets him? Spike thinks people at Bronze will remember his victims? Entire boardwalk in Sunnydale? (38:32)
• Yelling — brought to you by the Robed Robeson and the Illegitimate Nora (43:30)
• Watches (1:04:00)
• Rankings (1:11:00)

Welcome to Cool Monster Footer, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we squeak our way through the horrors of conversations, with dead people.

In this episode, we talk a lot about November 12, 2002…

• Plot and Firsts (2:30)
• Electric Meat-Jelly’s Initial Thoughts (17:00)
• Willow meets… Tara? (22:45)
• Xander meets… Jesse? (29:45)
• Anya meets… Halfrek? (35:00)
• Why did the First manifest as these characters? (36:30)
• Reasonable or Ridiculous?! — Dawn is home alone for 5 seconds and starts shooting weapons in the house? Andrew kills Jonathan?(44:00)
• Do we have anything to say about Buffy? (45: 15)
• Yelling (50:00)
• Watches (1:02:30)
• Rankings (1:11:00)

Welcome to Chocolate Hurricane, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we put on the proverbial letterman and talk about “Him.”

In this episode, we muse about:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts (13:20)
• Does RJ Know the Jacket is Cursed/Blessed?: A Logistical Survey (19:40)
• “Him?” On Spike (33:00)
• Is Dawn really good for nothing? (45:00)
• Reasonable or Ridiculous — Dawn is an unpopular geek? The gang still has that rocket launcher? Paint mural instead of being in a relationship? Dehofran sending a minion to kill Anya, and why didn’t he do it himself? Xander is still onsite at Sunnydale? (51:10)
• Yelling (1:00:30)
• Watches (1:25:00)
• Rankings (1:30:30)

Welcome to The Dagger of Lex, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we explore grievance, loss, betrayal and if our friends do a good enough job talking to one another. That’s right, it’s time for the hard cut of hard cuts with “Selfless.”

In this episode, we examine:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts (19:00)
• The Airing of Grievances: Did You Forget? (27:30)
• “Kick His Ass”: A Retrospective Journey (36:00)
• Willow as Switzerland (42:30)
• What Fight Were You Watching? (46:50)
• The Song (50:50)
• Reasonable or Ridiculous! — Xander never considered Buffy would have to kill Anya? They got what they deserved? Xander asks Willow to bring frat boys back with magic? Spike says he has nowhere else to go except the basement? (54:15)
• Yelling (1:02:45)
• Watches (1:16:00)
• Rankings (1:22:30)

Welcome to Murnenfurm Report, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we don’t rest on our laurels — it’s an episode filled with fate, futility, destiny, failure and death. (And also, Cassie!) Come along for the ride.

In this episode, we hit upon:

• Plot and Firsts (2:40)
• Initial Thoughts (26:30)
• Vampire-by-vampire: Why We Fight (32:00)
• The Futility of Slaying (41:30)
• Fate & Destiny (48:30)
• Reasonable or Ridiculous — Should Buffy feel like she failed? Dawn’s emotions after Cassie’s death? Should they all be taking this so hard? Buffy doesn’t tell Cassie’s parents? (52:00)
• Why We Fight Pt. 2 — Why Can’t We Just Defeat Death?! (58:40)
• Yelling (1:03:20)
• Watches (1:34:30)
• Rankings (1:40:00)

Welcome to Bristow’s Demon Index, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we flail about in metaphorical labyrinths looking for “Same Time, Same Place.”

In this episode, we talk:

• Plot and Firsts (1:30)
• Initial Thoughts (23:00)
• Quick Game: Willow’s Recent Misdeeds — Reasonable or Ridiculous? (27:30)
• Buffy’s Guilt (38:30)
• Being Friends with an Apocalypse (42:00)
• Forgiveness or Redemption (48:00)
• Will Anyone Ever Ask for Help? (1:00:45)
• Yelling (1:05:30)
• Watches (1:31:00)
• Rankings (1:44:00)

Welcome to Miss Edith, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we long for forgiveness and love in “Beneath You.”

In this episode, we talk

• Plot and Firsts (1:40)
• Initial Thoughts (18:00)
• We Gotta Talk Spike… (23:00)
• Our Withholding Slayer (32:20)
• Selective Lucidity? (37:00)
• Does the Soul Change Anything? (43:45)
• Final Scene (46:45)
• Blaming Xander (51:00)
• Nancy Sucks (57:00)
• Yelling (1:00:00)
• Watches (1:20:45)
• Rankings (1:29:00)

Welcome to Big Freaky Cereal Boxes of Death, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, we learn some things about ourselves in Season 7’s premiere, “Lessons.”

In this episode, we talk

• Plot and Firsts and Endurance Facts (2:45)
• Initial Thoughts — and a treatise on power (24:15)
• What’s the deal with magic? (31:15)
• Who the fuck are you? (38:15)
• The New Scoobies (43:30)
• Logistical Roundup: Spike, Xander, Angel, First (46:30)
• Yelling (58:30)
• Watches (1:31:45)
• Rankings — and our season premiere rankings(1:38:15)
• BOMBSHELL HEAD CANON ENDING (1:47:00)

Welcome to Lesbian Gay-type Lovers, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we close out Season 6 by trying to resurrect the temple of Proserpexa in your local beer cooler!

In this episode, we all, together, in the same room (!), discuss:

• Plot and Firsts (3:30)
• Initial Thoughts (19:30)
• Spike — The Twisted Tale of a Monkey’s Paw that Isn’t (29:30)
• The Mind — Giles’ Plan (38:30)
• The Spirit — Willow’s Motives & Morality (53:00)
• The Heart — Xander (Him?) (1:00:00)
• The Hand — Buffy and Epiphanies (1:07:00)
• Yelling (1:14:00)
• Watches (1:30:30)
• Rankings (1:36:00)
• Final Chat on Highs and Lows of Season 6(1:43:00)

Welcome to Less Confusing Waffles, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we accelerate our descent into Willow’s dark heart with “Two to Go.”

In this episode, we have a few points:

• Bill Norton, Plot and Firsts (1:40)
• Initial Thoughts (18:00)
• The Plot Demands We Talk About the Plot Demands (23:30)
• More about Buffy’s “line” — Beyond vengeance (31:30)
• Buffy’s lame attempt convincing Willow that “there’s so much to live for” (38:50)
• Willow’s psyche — bullying, “addictive personality” (43:30)
• Anya’s weird (56:40)
• Was Dawn in danger of returning to a ball of energy? (58:30)
• Buffy v. Willow (1:04:30)
• Yelling (1:10:00)
• Watches (1:31:20)
• Rankings (1:35:30)

Welcome to The Lover’s Wiccas, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we explore grief with Willow in “Villains.”

In this episode, we get heated about

• Plot and Firsts and “Contested Facts” (2:20)
• Initial Thoughts + talking this episode in the era of prestige TV (21:45)
• We all agree we wished this was “scarier” & was it intentional? (35:30)
• Magic as drugs redux (41:00)
• Morality Play: “we don’t kill humans” or do we? (48:00)
• Strange reactions to Tara’s death? Caulk it up to shock! (1:05:00)
• Yelling (1:17:00)
• Watches (1:48:00)
• Rankings (1:54:00)

Welcome to The Big Pineapple, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week the episode and try not to cry… as Kelly says, “When I was 14, these two characters, Willow and Tara, meant more to me than real-life human beings…”

In this episode, we waddle through:

• Plot and Firsts and Benson Quotes (1:45)
• Initial Thoughts (16:00)
• Tropes on Tropes [?] (20:00) — Psycho Lesbian, Bury Your Gays, Fridging A Woman
• Kelly’s Read A Lot of Shit & Death of the Author [?] (35:30)
• Personal Business? Xander v. Buffy (46:00)
• You Know… That Scene (51:00)
• Our first experience with the episode & Tangent #18 — The Kitten Board (1:02:00)
• Tara is the price? or, a low-key Angel update… + you could feast on this forever, if you were inclined (1:08:00)
• Yelling (1:18:00)
• Watches (1:29:45)
• Rankings (1:34:20)
• Ending (1:42:00)

Welcome to Urn of Ishtar, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we confused entropy with atrophy and talk about a twenty year old television show.

In this episode, we talk

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts (10:20)
• Xander Unloading (17:45)
• Does Xander hate demons, or love Buffy? (34:00)
• Spike: He spilled the beans (40:30)
• Should Tara have taken Willow back?! (48:15)
• Yelling (1:01:30)
• Watches (1:25:00)
• Rankings (1:32:00)

Welcome to A Treatise on the Mythology and Methodology of the Vampire Slayer, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we create a latticework of discussion around the great “Normal Again.”

In this episode, we screw up the courage to discuss:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts (8:30)
• Ambiguity — Is Sunnydale Real? — Joyce & Hank — Why people don’t like this episode — Todd & Suzanne — realness of the asylum (13:30)
• Joss and Marti — Lost — the implications (30:00)
• Episode 8?! or 9?! or 22?! (40:00)
• Spike (44:45)
• Buffy, Spike, and the Antidote (50:00)
• Yelling (55:30)
• Watches (1:19:00)
• Rankings (1:26:30)

Welcome to Interfector Mortis, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we celebrate love and loss in the wedding of the century with “Hell’s Bells.”

In this episode, we vow to discuss:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts (11:20)
• We Can’t Go Back? Xander Harris (19:15)
• Oil and Water: The Harris Family (28:00)
• The Visions (& Xander/Buffy & Stuart Burns) (31:00)
• Anya as vengeance demon (39:00)
• Yelling (44:30)
• Watches (1:11:30)
• Rankings (1:21:00)

Welcome to Ferula Gemina, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we go robot commando with our bestie Riley and his boo in “As You Were.”

In this episode, we talk:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts (9:30)
• Why does this episode exist? (13:00)
• Is this a fantasy? Less person than parody! (16:00)
• Have we shown up at ex’s place of work? How do we feel about it? (22:30)
• Conspiracy time: Sam is the Doctor! Spike is an international arms dealer! (26:00)
• Yelling (33:00)
• Watches (59:00)
• Rankings (1:06:30)

Welcome to Twilight Compendium, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we go to a “party” with new friends in “Older and Far Away”

In this episode, we talk:

• Plot and Firsts (1:25)
• Initial Thoughts (9:00)
• Dawn’s shoplifting in response to abandonment? (18:15)
• Anya’s meltdown (24:10)
• Willow should’ve used magic (27:10)
• Halfrek debacle (35:30)
• Yelling (43:45)
• Watches (1:02:45)
• Rankings (1:09:00)

Welcome to Hebron’s Almanac, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we dedicate our productivity to a CLASSIC episode, “Dead Things.”

In this episode, we talk:

• Plot and Firsts (1:30)
• Initial Thoughts (9:45)
• False Memories (16:00)
• Friends better off if Buffy never came back? (38:20)
• Naive Rapists (41:00)
• Willow and Tara (50:40)
• Buffy turning herself in (56:50)
• Yelling (1:09:00)
• Watches (1:34:30)
• Rankings (1:40:00)

Welcome to Order of Taraka, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we see how well the cow and the chicken get along over at the Doublemeat Palace, in “Doublemeat Palace.”

In this episode, we talk:

• Plot and Firsts (1:30)
• Initial Thoughts (8:30)
• Fast Food Scandals (plus Macheezmo Mouse aside) (14:30)
• Have you worked fast food? (29:00)
• Amy/Willow (37:15)
• Anya/Xander/Halfrek (41:50)
• Yelling (46:30)
• Watches (1:08:10)
• Rankings (1:12:50)

Welcome to The Black Chronicles, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we haunt the arcade in “Gone.”

In this episode, we talk

• Plot and Firsts (2:30)
• Initial Thoughts (7:30)
• Invisibility (12:30) invisibility spells (21:00), invisibility tech (25:00), social invisibility (30:45)
• Buffy’s instinct (34:00)
• What would you do when invisibile? (36:00)
• Dawn’s issues (42:00)
• Yelling (50:30)
• Watches (1:17:45)
• Rankings (1:23:40)

Welcome to The Idol of Oofdar, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we wake up in our fucked down house and jump in a car with Willow in “Wrecked.”

In this episode, we talk:

• Plot and Firsts (1:45)
• Initial Thoughts (8:00)
• Operation Artichoke (12:00)
• Dawn (24:10)
• Willow (29:10)
• Rack & The Rules of Magic (38:10)
• Ending (54:05)
• Yelling (1:03:00)
• Watches (1:24:20)
• Rankings [plus Daniel’s breakdown of a “bad” Buffy episode] (1:28:30)

Welcome to Meteors and You, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we fuck a house down with “Smashed”

In this episode, we marvel at this being better than we thought:

• Plot and Firsts (2:30)
• Fun Facts, from Stacia! (6:30)
• Initial Thoughts (11:00)
• Buffy//Willow talk (20:00)
• Spike’s character & soul (23:00)
• Divorced Tara & Dawn / Willow / Trio (30:45)
• How much is too much magic? (38:00)
• Fucking Down the House & The Bronze (44:20)
• Amy as Big Bad (52:30)
• Yelling (58:00)
• Watches (1:25:25)
• Rankings (1:31:15)

Welcome to Blood Rite and Sacrifice, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, we lose our memories and wipe the slate clean with “Tabula Rasa.”

In this episode, we talk:

• Plot and Firsts (1:30)
• Initial Thoughts (7:00)
• Memory and Memory Loss (12:30)
• A Huge Dive into Tara, Willow, and the rules of magic (30:30)
• Giles leaving (43:45)
• Post-spell questions (50:00)
• Yelling (55:00)
• Watches (1:14:00)
• Rankings (1:22:30)

Welcome to The Book of Tarnis, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, after five years of waiting, the great “Once More, With Feeling.”

In this episode, we go way too deep on:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts (9:30)
• The TV Musical — pre-Buffy, animation, “musical” in name only, fleeting musical elements, musicals of the imagination, and musicals of magic— as well as musicals vs. dreams (12:00)
• Favorite/Least Favorite Songs (34:30)
• Going Through Motions (of each song, in order) (48:23)
• Yelling (1:43:00)
• Watches (1:53:00)
• Rankings (1:59:30)

Welcome to The Sunnydale Class of ‘99, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week...

In this episode, we talk:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts (7:00)
• Mr. Kaltenbach (10:00)
• Candy scares, Glico (13:10)
• Parking with Vampires (30:45)
• Bad, Bad Willow (46:45)
• Was this the first time Willow poisoned Tara? (55:00)
• Yelling (1:00:00)
• Watches (1:19:00)
• Rankings (1:23:45)

Welcome to The Word of Valios, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, we try to make ourselves productive in the workforce in “Life Serial.”

In this episode, we talk

• Plot and Firsts (1:45)
• Initial Thoughts (9:30)
• What are jobs? Well, a job. Saturation divers (12:30)
• What would Buffy be good at? (27:00)
• College and auditing classes (30:00)
• Buffy at the Magic Box (37:15)
• Spike and “Bad” Buffy (47:00)
• Giles Foreshadow (53:00)
• Yelling (55:00)
• Watches (1:18:30)
• Rankings (1:23:00)

Welcome to The Shadow Men, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we fix the leak without Tito in “Flooded.”

In this episode, we discuss:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Plumbing (11:15)
• Initial Thoughts (27:30)
• Feeling protective of Buffy (36:00)
• Big discussion of finances & Anya’s suggestion (40:00)
• Should Buffy tell Giles about heaven? (55:00)
• Angel Update (57:00)
• Yelling (1:03:00)
• Watches (1:21:00)
• Rankings (1:27:00)

Welcome to This One Starbucks Town, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we sit in the shade as Buffy contemplates her renewed existence in "After Life."

In this episode, we discuss:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts (8:00)
• Ghost Hunters — the Warrens (13:00)
• Our smothering friends (36:00)
• Should Buffy just tell her friends (41:00)
• Giles Factor (48:00)
• Spike's Foreshadowing & Willow's Culpability (53:30)
• Yelling (1:02:00)
• Watches (1:13:00)
• Rankings (1:20:00)

Welcome to A Town-wide Epidemic of Laryngitis, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we continue the resurrection of Ms. Summers with Part 2 of "Bargaining."

In this episode, we end our season premiere:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts (10:00)
• Nikolai Fyodorovich Fyodorov (17:00)
• Grieving & Our Friends (31:00)
• Did Willow Know The Stakes? (35:30)
• How would you possibly comfort Buffy? (44:00)
• Final Scene (55:00)
• How is Stacia feeling about Xander? (59:00)
• Yelling (1:02:00)
• Watches (1:25:00)
• Rankings (1:29:00)

Welcome to Arashmahar, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we return to Sunnydale, like Buffy, with "Bargaining, Part 1"

In this episode, we discuss:

• Plot and Firsts (3:00)
• Angel Update (12:00)
• Initial Feelings (16:00)
• Dadaism (21:30)
• Giles (31:00)
• Better not to resurrect Buffy & Slayerettes expected to maintain (36:00)
• When did we decide to bring her back — and how selfless is it? (44:00)
• Yelling (51:00)
• Watches (1:14:00)
• Rankings (1:22:00)

Welcome to Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, we've finally made it to the end of Season 5, "The Gift."

In this episode, we talk:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Angel Update (9:30)
• Initial Thoughts (20:00)
• Talkin' Prophecy Girl Blues (26:00)
• The episode: Opening scene (30:00), Blood is the Blood (36:00), Giles as pragmatist? or cruel? (38:00), the killing of Ben and Buffy's philosophy (42:30), Xander proposes (51:00), Spike's gesture (52:45), Buffy Bot (55:00), what if Dawn did jump? (57:30),

We close Season 5 with yelling (1:00:00), watches (1:36:00), rankings (1:40:00) and a final Season 5 retrospective (1:53:00)

Welcome to I'm Not Wearing Underwear, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, the penultimate fifth season episode, "The Weight of the World."

In this episode, we're disappointed in the following order:

• Plot and Firsts (1:30)
• Initial Thoughts (10:00)
• Ben and Glory bullshit (25:00)
• Catatonic states (29:00)
• Buffy's visions (41:00)
• What's in the Doc's box? (46:00)

We close with yelling (48:00), watches (1:02:00) and rankings (1:07:00)

Welcome to I'll Bring the Marshmallows, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we aim for the horsies in "Spiral."

In this episode:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts (7:00)
• The timeline (9:30)
• Knights Questions (18:00)
• Buffy, the realist — Scoobies on the Run (23:30)
• Horse Facts: Creatures of Movement (28:00)
• Buffy: As Badass MF (40:00)
• Knights: As LARPers, as People (45:45)
• Stacia's Deep Thoughts: Conversations on the Soul (54:00)

We closed with yelling (1:00:00), watches (1:23:30) and rankings (1:27:00)

Welcome to Black Frost, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we swim with a cast of extras against some multicultural fair in "Tough Love."

In this episode, we discuss:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts (9:00)
• Kelly thinks about Season 1 (18:00)
• Twinkie Defense (25:30)
• Crux of this episode — its basically the first half of Tabula Rasa's second half (39:00)
• Talking Dawn and Hank; guardianship and what's best for Dawn and Buffy (42:00)
• Willow and Tara (52:15)
• Yelling (1:03:00)
• Watches (1:18:30)
• Rankings (1:23:15)

Welcome to You Have Something Face, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, we return to the robotics realm with "Intervention."

In this episode, we discuss:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts (11:00)
• Balancing humor and seriousness (14:00)
• Hokey Pokey (19:00)
• Buffy's job as a Slayer (30:30)
• Buffy Bot (41:30)
• Buffy forgiving Spike (51:00)
• Yelling (55:00)
• Watches (1:12:30)
• Rankings (1:15:30)

Welcome to Late Night Stormtrooper Pal, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, we keep it intense with the "Forever."

In this episode, it breaks down like this:

• Plot and Firsts (2:30)
• Monkey's Paw (10:00)
• Initial Thoughts (17:00)
• Scene-by-Scene: Casket & Meeting (24:00)
• Scene-by-Scene: Spike (30:00)
• Scene-by-Scene: Funeral (32:00)
• Scene-by-Scene: Xander & Anya (34:00)
• Scene-by-Scene: Willow and Magic (36:00)
• Scene-by-Scene: Doc (47:00)
• Scene-by-Scene: Buffy/Angel & Short Angel Update (50:00)
• Scene-by-Scene: Ben (53:30)
• Scene-by-Scene: Spike & Dawn (55:30)
• Scene-by-Scene: Finale (1:00:00)
• Yelling (1:04:00)
• Watches (1:14:00)
• Rankings (1:20:00)

Welcome to Draconian Katra, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we try to keep ourselves together as we discuss the masterful sixteenth episode of Season 5: "The Body."

In this episode, we meander through:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts and our first time watching this (12:00)
• Our first attempt through "The Body" — takeaways and negative space(22:00)
• A more structured breakdown of our friends in this episode (33:00)
• TV deaths that are memorable but not as much as this (41:30)

We closed with the usual yelling (54:00), a short watch (1:03:00) and the ranking of "The Body" in the Buffy canon (1:04:00).

Welcome to The Seed of Wonder, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, the one before the one, "I Was Made to Love You."

In this episode, after our plot and firsts (1:30) and initial thoughts (6:00), we dive in scene-by-scene:

• Training room (10:00)
• Joyce/Dawn/Buffy scene (19:00)
• Transition scene with Anya and Tara (23:00)
• The party scene (24:30)
• Babysitting scene (34:45)
• Back to the Magic Box (36:25)
• Warren (41:00)
• Spike in the Magic Box (47:30)
• Buffy vs. April scene (58:30)
• Xander and Buffy (1:04:45)
• Final Scene (1:09:00)

We conclude with yelling (1:11:30), watches (1:20:00) and ranking this episode of television (1:22:00).

Welcome to The Seal of Danzalthar, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week, we reunite with the OG Black Beauty, Drusilla, in "Crush."

In this episode, we talk:

• Joss Whedon revelations (2:00)
• Plot and Firsts (9:30)
• Angel Update (14:30)
• Hunchback of Notre Dame (20:00)
• Episode — including creepy Spike, a soul versus a chip and ask how Spike hadn't been disinvited earlier (37:00)

We close, as always, with yelling (1:00:00), watches (1:20:00) and ranking the episode (1:24:00)

Welcome to I'm Eating This Banana, Lunch Time Be Damned, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we finally get to the bottom of all this Key talk with "Blood Ties."

In this episode, we talk:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Initial Thoughts (10:00)
• Dawn and adoption (13:30)
• Different approaches to Dawn (22:00)
• Knights(27:00)
• Clearing up misconceptions of the Monks and Ben/Glory timeline – including the origins of the Order, is Ben the latest in Glory's string of Ben's?, is Ben immortal?, and the logistics of Ben is Glory, Glory is Ben (40:00)

We closed with yelling (55:00), watches (1:11:30) and rank the episode (1:15:00)

Welcome to Ms. Barton's Performance Review, also known as If the Apocalypse Comes, Beep Me! This week we have a very special episode! Because Kelly and Stacia's audio died tragically, Daniel narrates "Checkpoint" as a stop gap.

In this episode, we (Daniel as all characters) talk:

• Plot and Firsts (2:00)
• Unstructured episode talk — quick cuts, the theme of power, shadowy organizations and if the Council is one (5:00)
• Rasputin — well, Daniel's reaction to Stacia's now gone deep dive (17:00)
• Daniel yelling with himself (19:00)
• Watches (33:30)
• Rankings (36:30)