I think I have cancer

I finally dropped my records off at the hospital. The rapid assessment will take 3-5 days, so I may even get the results this week. As frustrating as this is, it will give my friends more time to pray. In fact, Garrine is praying and fasting today. After the hospital I took the advice I shared in my last podcast, to smell the flowers and surround yourself with joy. So I treated myself to lunch in Kensington market, and ate it mindfully and gratefully on a patio in the sun.
One of my biggest stressors, which impacts my health, is rushing. Work is busy, then I rush to cook so hopefully I can write at night. I love meeting people and sharing inspiring stories - it's what I feel made for - but I don't have enough time. I need to eat more lunches out, hold potluck parties, and accept what takes a long time.
Is there an area you can simplify in your own life? Can you share the burden with others or make it more fun? Friends, please take care of your health.

One thing I’m good at is literally “smelling the roses.” I intentionally planted David White asters by the front door so I could smell them when I come home. They’re three feet tall and just about to open. The Hal’s honeysuckle are blooming in glorious profusion right now; I climbed behind the currants to cut enough sprigs to scent my bedroom and office. My roses are just starting to bloom, and will have over 100 blooms next week. Now that I know they love tea, they’re as high as Jack and the Beanstock. I always have flowers in the house and carry them around with me from room to room. I need their beauty to cheer me up, especially now.
You need that too, you deserve that too. If flowers aren’t your joy in life, surround yourself with beauty, art, music, scents, nature, walks, good food. Surround yourself with that which gives you joy.

My wonderful morning of fasting and prayer evaporated into great frustration! On Friday my doctor told me to rush records over to the cancer hospital to book my biopsy, and the promised requisition didn’t come. I lost 4 days in a horrible runaround. Now I’m finally on the way to drop them off. To calm myself down and restore myself to peace, I think I’ll sing. May you quickly find peace from the frustrations you’re facing.

Garrine and I prayed and fasted today. It started with 90 wonderful minutes in my prayer chair. Then I told my friend from Rwanda about my scare; he prayed with me too. God saved him from a suicidal depression years ago after a terrible tragedy. He proves God can bring anyone to joy, no matter what they face. May God lead you to health, not the valley of the shadow of death, but know this: God is with you and God is good. Jean Paul encouraged me with Romans 5, rejoice in your sufferings for they produce perseverance, character, then hope. Don’t waste your sorrows. Friends, we need prayer as much as vitamins, remedies and therapies for health. May you find a circle of prayer to lift you up. Find a special place to find your peace and inner healing. God bless you with physical healing too.

I have so much to share with you today. While watching This Life, a CBC TV series about a woman with cancer, I almost set off my fire alarm.
More seriously, a request for help from a near-stranger in the Dominican Republic brought up bad memories of sponsoring a street kid from Uganda who ended up squandering my money. I get that the strongest skill he’s learned in life is survival, but I think I’ll help people closer to home. But his request reconnected me with a friend in the DR who’s going to pray and fast for me tomorrow. I’m grateful and encouraged by sweet Garrine. I remember how Jesus gently carried my mother over the threshold when she died. It was not just peaceful, it was joyful. Even to the end of this life, and beyond, God is with us. He is with you and your angel is still before the Father, and your angel is praying for you. I encourage you to pray too. I hope you get the comfort, strength and peace from it that I do, and that God answers our prayers for healing.

People, prioritise your health! Live every day. Do not let stresses, especially of work, make you sick, keep you up nights, make you lose time with your family on weekends. It is not worth it! You only have one life – live it to the best of your ability. That might mean working hard, but not worrying yourself sick. Invest in your life priorities. Don’t put off your dreams. Check one thing off your bucket list every year. Dance often. Take Sundays off. Sleep in. Work stress is not worth it. God, show me where to invest my energies at this time. Should I take the rest of today off, or use it to work as hard as I can while I can?

So, I got the results and they’re not good. I have calcified areas in my breast, I need a biopsy, and they want me to see a surgeon right away just in case. How will my care team get here? One sister can’t drive in Toronto, one doesn’t have a car and I can’t help her get one right now, and my oldest friend might want me to support her more than her me. This could get complicated. On the bright side, if my scar is ugly, I think I’ll get a tattoo.

I thought my writing project for 2018 was about how Mom died bravely, gracefully, and faithfully from cancer, but it might be my own story that I write. Today I had my second mammogram. The technician asked me to wait for the radiologist to check the images; they seem to have found what they were looking for. Before returning to work I prayed that the cancer cup would be taken from me, but if I had to drink it, that I would redeem it by encouraging others by sharing it as quietly or loudly as I am meant to.

I'm having a lot of unusual dreams lately. After reading Passport From Darkness by Kimberly Smith last night, I dreamt I was with a man who was being chased for a historical artifact. I took a horse-drawn carriage with a little girl, entered a strange house, and escaped from the police over the back fence. It's the day of my second mammogram.

I promised to live this real time out loud... this time it was after a nightmare in the middle of the night. Bear with me, I soon got lucid enough to design my porch desk, ruminate on whether I could make my upcoming work trips, and what to do with the rest of my life, however long it is. My life is in God’s hands and I want it to count. I’ll have to focus on things I can complete which have the biggest impact.

With the first strain of the first refrain
Tears streamed down my face
met under my chin and made a river down my throat
into my cleavage that might be cleaved with cancer
I prayed that they would be tears of healing,
waters of cleansing, bathing my breast with God’s healing, presence, and peace
washing the sickness, fear and grief from my chest

Today I took a “well day” to pray with my international friends. Friends, I pray your journey leads to health, not the valley of the shadow of death, but wherever your path leads, know this: God is with you. My friend encouraged me to rejoice in suffering, even dance. If he can do it through all he’s suffered, we can too. We need meditation and prayer as much as we need therapies and remedies.

What a perfect way to spend the weekend: at a prayer retreat in between mammograms. Every day of the rest of my life, I want to live for God. I’ve been afraid of taking leaps of faith to trust in God instead of a paycheque, but Kimberly Smith, who took a great big leap of faith to support orphans and widows in Darfur, is inspiring me to.

I told my sister I need a second mammogram, and talked through who else to tell what to, when.

The day the doctor and hospital call within minutes. I think I know what that means. I'm scared.