Let's kick off with Donald Trump's legal tango in Colorado, where he dances away with a court win. It's like watching a reality show, but the stakes are actual democracy, and the drama is disappointingly real.

Moving on to the Capitol, where Congress miraculously avoided a government shutdown. It's like watching a group of toddlers successfully bake a cake – messy, surprising, and you're just relieved the house didn't burn down.

And then, there's Joe Biden, hitting 81. In the White House, that's less 'elder statesman' and more 'antique with experience'. It's like your grandfather running a marathon – impressive, but you're slightly concerned for his wellbeing.

Speaking of wellbeing, Trump's health update is in! He's reportedly in excellent health, which, considering his lifestyle, is as baffling as finding out that Bigfoot is not only real but also your pilates instructor.

On to the courts, where the 8th Circuit's decision on the Voting Rights Act has us wondering if they're trying to make legal history or just confuse historians in the future.

Finally, we've got Biden pardoning turkeys, because nothing says 'American politics' quite like sparing two birds from becoming dinner. It's a tradition that's as whimsical as it is utterly, delightfully bizarre.

The New Mayor of New York

It's News to UsBy It's News to UsJan 12, 2022