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Project Relationship

Project Relationship

By Joli Hamilton
The struggles in your relationships can be the catalyst for reimagining love from the ground up but we don't often get to hear how real people made it through the mess and into a great relationship. Project Relationship is all about how we can start making love fun again right now by getting strategic and applying our strengths in just the right places. Ken and Joli and sharing the good the bad and the weird in this podcast. Listen as we explore the messier parts of our love story and share the ways we've managed to turn life's punches into opportunities for a deeper connection.
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78 How, When & Why to Visit a Pleasure-Centered Shop with Beth Hankes from Earth & Salt
Visiting a pleasure-centered shop can be an inspiring and exciting experience for singles, couples, and moresomes. Beth Hankes from Earth and Salt shares how and why she decided to open her shop, and why it's so important for it to be an accessible, informative, supportive place. Beth Hankes (she/her) is the Founder and CEO of Earth and Salt, and a sex education certificate student at the Institute for Sexuality Education and Enlightenment. She has a BA in Art History and Studio Art from Mount Holyoke College, and a Masters in Museum Studies from Harvard Extension School. After concurrent years of identifying self-repression, questioning her sexual desires, and health issues, she was inspired to open Earth and Salt. With Earth and Salt, her goals are to normalize sex and pleasure, provide vital sex education to all, and champion other business owners and sexuality professionals, especially those from historically marginalized groups. You can reach Earth and Salt at their website at www.earthandsaltshop.com, or check out their brick and mortar store in Burlington, VT Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching. You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
58:40
August 14, 2022
77 Naturally attract the partners you long for with guest Allana Pratt
Tired of *trying* to find the person you want? There's a faster path and it is completely within your reach. Everyone has the capacity to deepen their intimacy with Self and when you do, you'll find that others respond. Stop trying to be someone for someone else and BE YOU.  Joli talks with the incomparable Allana Pratt about the pains and perils of trying to date without doing your personal work.  BONUS: this episode opens up with a conversation between Joli & Ken. We are getting super vulnerable about what's going on for us right now and it's not all pretty. If you've ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes, you don't want to miss this episode! Today's guest: Intimacy Expert, Allana Pratt is a global media personality and go-to authority for those who have suffered heartbreak and are ready to live unapologetically and attract an open-hearted ideal relationship. She has been chosen as an Icon of Influence, is a columnist on the GoodMenProject, and has been featured on Huffington Post, People Magazine, Forbes, CBS, ABC & FOX, and more. This Ivy League grad is the Author of 6 books, has interviewed Whoopi Goldberg and Alanis Morissette, and Hosts the edgy Podcast “Intimate Conversations” where listeners learn how to find the relationship they deserve. A certified coach with close to 5 million viewers on YouTube, Allana was asked by Leeza Gibbons to coach her during Dancing with the Stars. While supporting a number of nonprofits, Allana has created a new category with an inclusive Partnering App & Intimacy Training app called HeartMates where members Become the One to Find the One… which Keeps the One! She also offers HeartMates for Couples, private and group coaching plus retreats so that her clients have a thriving intimate relationship with themselves first, which naturally attracts and enhances their ideal partnerships. Take the free B-Spot Quiz and discover what your hidden blindspot is! www.allanapratt.com/quiz Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching. You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
01:07:45
August 07, 2022
76 What does perimenopause do to our relationships? with guest Maraya Brown
Have you ever asked your partners how they experience living in their bodies? Have you ever asked yourself what might be unique about your experience of your body? Life promises us all just one thing: change. One of the changes that DEFINITELY deserves more attention is perimenopause! We could have a million conversations about this, and still be surprised every time because there is so much we just don't talk about when it comes to the intricacies of being embodied beings. In this episode we are have the amazing Maraya Brown, a Yale and functional medicine trained nurse midwife, about how being in a body, particularly a body with changing levels of estrogen, affects our experience of the world and others' experience of us. You can find her work at https://www.marayabrown.com/  Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching. You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
01:07:11
July 31, 2022
75 Leaving purity culture for a life you love - with guest Lauren Elise Barnes
Am I pure enough? Am I a good _______? Fill in the blank - what were you raised to be, how were you indoctrinated? Do you still agree with it? How do you wish you could move past it?  Lauren Elise Barnes is a certified holistic s*x educator who spent a decade in the maternal health industry. She talks with us about creative monogamy, non-monogamy, and surviving purity culture. Learn more about Lauren here: https://sexedforyou.com/ You can view the transcript here Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
01:10:39
July 24, 2022
74 Why is my partner so weird? Wait, why am I so weird?
How do you experience your differences with your partner? Do you feel discomfort, or conflict, or maybe you feel isolated and abandoned? Do you work to mask those differences by trying to meld together, or by acting like someone you're not? Let's talk about how our experience of those differences can help us grow in ourselves and in our relationships Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching. You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
37:47
July 17, 2022
73 How to start building a designer relationship
Want designer relationships? Want to show up as more of yourself and less of what others might expect, and help your partners do the same? Let's talk about some conversations, actions, and self-reflection that will help us get there.  Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com  Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.  You can see the transcript on Joli's blog, a word from Joli
34:55
July 10, 2022
72 How to be a classy visitor to a strip club with expert guest Elle Stanger, CSE
Going to a strip club is a great way to expand your erotic life but we have heard from tons of couples who feel a little nervous about it. Even if you've gone before, going as a couple might feel different. In this episode we talk with Elle Stanger, a s*x wrker (yes, we have to get creative with spellings around the internet these days) and AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator about strip club etiquette, treating erotic labor as work, and how to be a decent person in relation with sex workers.  This episode is a ~~ MUST LISTEN ~~ Whether you are chomping to hit the clubs or are just curious about how erotic labor can be made safer for everyone involved your ears are in for a treat. Please listen to (and share) Elle's podcast at www.theytalksex.com for more perspectives on s*x wrk from someone who knows.
01:03:48
July 03, 2022
71 Doing what you said you'd do: When accountability works and when it doesn't
Accountable and reliable- this is what you want from a life partner. But, life moves fast. What happens when you can't keep your word? Or when you change your mind about something that matters to your partner?  One of the things about having a completely unscripted podcast is you get to hear us work through our process live- no edits. In this episode, we talk about what happens in our relationship when one of us says we'll do something and then life happens and things change. Joli had a moment when she kinda blew her own mind by realizing that accountability has a shadow side too. The truth is we all have to prioritize and sometimes that means we won't be able to keep our word- let's talk about what can you do to make this wobbly part of love--the part where life gets messy-- actually work in your favor.  Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
34:24
June 26, 2022
70 Guest Expert Megan Bhatia: Choosing Polyamory While Raising a Family
We talk with Megan Bhatia from the Amory podcast about our different polyamory journeys, our experiences with family as polyamorous people, and parenting outside the monogamous paradigm. You can view the transcript here Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
01:03:31
June 19, 2022
69 The Year Of Opening
Ready to take your relationships to new levels of growth and satisfaction? In a community of like-minded, growth oriented people with similar goals? Led by a highly trained expert and her experienced partner? Listen to Episode 69 where we share some of our thoughts and experiences about opening relationships, and offer an exciting new opportunity to join a group coaching program designed to help you open your relationship the smart way. Start by taking the quiz to find out how ready you are to open your relationship happily If you're ready to start opening your relationship the smart way, go directly to the application!
31:38
June 12, 2022
68 Train Your Nervous System to Transform Your Relationships with Elisabeth Kristof
Join us for the first episode of Season 6! We talk with Elisabeth Kristof of Brain Based Wellness about training your nervous system, and how you can use those skills to improve your relationships. Elisabeth is not only a certified applied neurology coach but also one of Joli's most treasured trauma-informed colleagues.  Visit www.brainbased-wellness.com for a free video series to relieve stress, resolve anxiety and eliminate unwanted behavior!  BONUS: Elisabeth and Joli created a one-of-a-kind workshop called Jealousy Rewired! Get access to this groundbreaking combination of somatic and cognitive tools to transform your jealousy struggles into opportunities https://www.jolihamilton.com/jealousy-rewired
01:12:44
June 05, 2022
67 Exploring **Potential** Kinks
Are you kinky? Nobody but you can answer that question, and nobody but you can decide what it means. There's no board of kink that issues certificates, no licensing board that decides what you can and can't do based on your "kink" status.  In this episode we talk about ways you can explore this question for yourself. And some of the things to think about along the way - practical, psychological, and relational. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
32:59
April 24, 2022
66 Who Started It? The Decision to Open Up
How did we get where we are? What stories do we tell each other (and ourselves) about the decisions that got us here? In this episode we dig into how the way we remember and tell our stories affects the way we view our relationships, and our partners. Here's the graphic on cognitive bias I mentioned. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
35:16
April 17, 2022
65 Relationship Agreement Skills - Shared Values & Relationship Purpose
How satisfied are we in our relationships? How satisfied can we be? How do we decide? When we make explicit agreements with our partners, we can start to see clearly how well our relationships serve us. The more we know about our values and our partners' values, the easier it is to make effective explicit agreements, which is what this episode is about. We share experiences with our relationship agreements, and talk about some of the tools we use to help us craft them. Here is the exercise and list of values Joli mentioned. Also here is a quick link to available values lists on Google. Strugging with what your relationship is for? Check out "Getting What You Need", Chapter 7 of the book Project Relationship, which has exercises to help you. It's part of my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com. It also includes easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
39:45
April 10, 2022
64 Trust: Building and Rebuilding
How do we navigate those times in our relationships when trust has been violated? How can we respond in ways that increase the chance of reconnection? Are there ways to avoid situations that cause trust troubles? In this episode we talk about some of our experiences building and rebuilding trust, and share some strategies for navigating trust issues. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
45:36
April 03, 2022
63 Relationship Sabotage
Have you noticed any patterns in your relationship that play out over and over again? Are there things you do, ways you behave, that leave you in the same ouchy situation every time, but you still keep doing them? Well, that happens to us, and in this episode we talk about how those patterns show up and play out for us, and we share some strategies for interrupting those patterns. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
28:25
March 27, 2022
62 Wounds & Apologies
How do you feel when you get an apology? How about when you offer one? When we hurt each other, how we handle it can strengthen or weaken our relationship, with each other and with ourselves. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
33:27
March 20, 2022
61 Relational Individuation: On becoming your Self
Have you ever had life throw something spectacular at you that inspired (or required) you to grow and change? That can happen, surprising us out of the blue. It can also be something we plan into our lives. In this episode we talk about how we can do that, choosing to use our relationship as the workshop for becoming more ourselves. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
27:06
March 13, 2022
60 Making FUN happen in long term relationships
Long term fun? Sign me up! In this episode we talk about generating fun in the context of a relationship. We share some ideas about what could be fun, some thoughts about things that get in the way, and how we can learn from that and bring ourselves more satisfaction. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
42:53
March 06, 2022
59 What do I do with unrequited hots?
What do you do when you have the hots for someone unavailable? In this episode we talk about ways to approach the feelings that come up with unrequited attraction. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
31:04
March 01, 2022
58 Anxiety when you are consensually non-monogamous
Can anxiety can be an opportunity? Consensual non-monogamy is not simple, and it can lead to anxiety. In this episode we talk about how that anxiety can be an opportunity and a guide to learn more about ourselves and our relationships. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
41:35
February 20, 2022
57 Affection and Non-sexual Intimacy
What if we want to show affection without being sexual? In this episode we talk about some of our experiences with difficulties that can come up around expressing and engaging in intimacy outside sexual relationships. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
24:14
February 13, 2022
56 Creative Monogamy
It sounds kind of weird, but monogamy isn’t necessarily the opposite of non-monogamy. In this episode we talk about how we decide what the boundaries of our relationships are, and share some ideas about how we can stretch our imaginations to bring more of what we want into those relationships. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
36:16
February 06, 2022
55 Parenting While Polyamorous
Talking with your kids about your relationships as a parent can be really beneficial for all of you, but it does take some care and attention. In this episode we talk about our experiences talking with our kids over the years about our consensual non-monogamy, sharing the problems and the benefits of those conversations. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
45:28
January 30, 2022
54 Where do we learn the skills of adult friendships?
Are you married to your best friend? Do you have several best friends? Do you have friends that aren't best? In this episode we're talking about the nature of adult friendships, about the skills of friendship, and we're asking a lot of questions. Get my free top 5 relationship guides at ListenToJoli.com for easy to implement conversations that will help you create the love you really want. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on all of Joli's work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
34:08
January 02, 2022
53 How to be happier when big changes threaten your marriage
The many marriages model has helped us manage to stay both committed and independent over the long term. In this episode we are talking about what happens when a marriage goes through inevitable change, because change is the only guarantee we get in life. So, when change shows up, what do you do?  Do you resist and try to keep your marriage as it always has been or do you transition with grace?  Once again, rituals can facilitate strong, growth-oriented transitions. Check out chapter 12 in Project Relationship for an easy template to create a ritual that will help you make the most of change in your love life: Get the book Project Relationship. One of the tools we suggest is learning to tolerate ambiguity because there are big gains to be made when we can do that. Here's an article from Ness Labs that explains the theory https://nesslabs.com/ambiguity-effect Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
34:08
December 26, 2021
52 Sex parties? Yes, sex parties.
What makes for well-done casual play? In this episode we're talking about practical considerations for hosting or attending a sex party. How do we set up a safe place for people to share erotic play? How do we make sure consent is part of everything all the time? What should we do to normalize sharing STI information? What about exit strategies, safe words, logistics, ground rules? If everyone can safely pursue pleasure and we all take care of each other, we have the best chance of connecting to people and making happy, sexy memories. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
41:47
December 19, 2021
51 Let's optimize our sex lives!
No matter how good your sex life is, we're all growing, changing critters in a dynamic world. So something will change and we'll want to adapt so we can have the best sex we can. In this episode we're talking about how to make sex better by sharing feedback about our sexual experiences. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
34:07
December 12, 2021
50 Where is envy secretly kicking your ass?
Envy is kind of like a feeling of want, except that it totally bites. In this episode we are digging into envy: how it can get in the way of our relationships and leave us feeling totally worthless at times. But we can use some of the same tools we use for jealousy to notice it's there and help us through it to a better understanding of ourselves. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
34:21
December 05, 2021
49 Using love languages to make the gift-giving season more pleasurable
Do you want to give gifts that inspire feelings of love and pleasure? In this episode we're talking about focusing on the feelings we create and understanding our people, so we know what and how they like to receive gifts. Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages can be a useful model for helping us understand ourselves and each other, and the more we talk to each other and collaborate on designing the celebrations we want, the more likely we are to get them. Take the free, quick love languages quiz on Gary Chapman's site https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
33:31
November 28, 2021
48 Keeping sex hot over the long term
There are lots of disruptors to sex - kids, grief, burnout, pandemics... In this episode we're talking about ways to get the hotness back, or keep things hot, or make them even hotter. And how to decide when it's time to ask for help - from books, podcasts, and best of all humans. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
34:21
November 21, 2021
47 Nuanced Conversations in Polyamory: Secondaries, Solos, and Couple's Privilege
Poly is not mono! Which might sound silly, but in this case we mean that polyamory is not monolithic. There are as many ways to have polyamorous relationships as there are people having them, and the differences between them are a lot of nuance. In this episode we talk with our guest, Leah Marshall, about the way she experiences her relationships, and how that's different from us. Leah is the founder and leader of the Esther Perel Discussion Group on Facebook, a community of over 13K members from across the globe who regularly discuss relationships, intimacy, sex, desire, and infidelity. You can connect with Leah on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZOqckFIqspSVjJi_ILphxg, on her blog at https://leapcastlife.wordpress.com/, and in the Esther Perel Discussion Group at https://facebook.com/groups/793115204193690/
46:08
November 14, 2021
46 How, when, and why to CELEBRATE!
How do you celebrate? Do you wait for a holiday or for someone to tell you it's time to mark an occasion? Celebrations help us see and acknowledge the things that have meaning for us- in other words, they are kindling for the fire of your relationships (romantic and otherwise).  Cited in this episode: Fiese, B.H. (2002) Family Routines and Rituals May Improve Family Relationships and Health, According to 50-Year Research Review. APA special edition Dec. 2002. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
29:34
November 07, 2021
45 Silent agreement - One person's perspective on a sexless marriage
Every marriage, every relationship is different. In this episode we talk about Ken's first marriage, his experience of infertility, and what he wishes he'd done differently, and why. As we mentioned in the episode, follow Katy DeJong on Instagram @thepleasureanarchist if you're interested in the best info on infertility, sex, and childlessness. https://www.instagram.com/thepleasureanarchist/ Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
31:27
October 31, 2021
44 Three ways porn has brought us closer together
Have you ever wondered how other people use porn? In this episode we talk about our own personal answers to that question, including de-stigmatizing porn, sharing it with each other, and ensuring that we are using ethical sources. We've included some links in these show notes to ethical porn sources as well as social media links for some great sex workers and sex educators who advocate for erotic freedom and provide high-quality education about sex and sex work. A very porn-knowledgable sex educator to follow  https://www.instagram.com/stripperwriter/ Some ethical porn sources: https://www.bellesa.co/ https://xconfessions.com/ https://www.kink.com/ oooo... and if you like audible erotic stories absolutely check out  https://www.dipseastories.com/ Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
42:19
October 24, 2021
43 The missing ingredient in boundary work with guest Melissa Hite
"Our relationships with others can only be as strong as our relationship with ourselves." That's just one insight we hear about in this episode during our talk with Melissa. We talk about how to tell the difference between internal and external boundaries, being in integrity, and grounding deeply in our body to help us know what our boundaries need to be.  Melissa is a very experienced guide for people interested in a lifelong journey of growth. If that's you, you should check out her website at www.highersexeducation.com. If you are as excited as we are about applying for Melissa's boundaries course you can go directly to the application: www.HigherSexEducation.com/boundless-living
33:20
October 17, 2021
42 It's normal to be a messy human in messy relationships. Really, it is.
Have you ever done something and looked back and said "That's not like me!" How does that happen? What do we do then? How can we use this information to manage ourselves and our relationships better? In this episode we talk about the Jungian concept of complexes, and how they can come up and run the show for a while. For reference, here are couple of powerful quotes from Jung on his model of psychological complexes: "Complexes interfere with the intentions of the will and disturb the conscious performance; they produce disturbances of memory and blockages in the flow of associations; they appear and disappear according to their own laws; they can temporarily obsess consciousness, or influence speech and action in an unconscious way. In a word, complexes behave like independent beings. from Jung, C. G., Psychological Factors in Human Behaviour, Collected Works vol 8, par. 253. "Complexes are focal or nodal points of psychic life which we would not wish to do without; indeed, they should not be missing, for otherwise psychic activity would come to a fatal standstill."Jung, C.G., A Psychological Theory of Types, Collected Works. vol. 6, par. 925. You may also enjoy reading  Complex, Archetype, Symbol by Jolande Jacobi The Individuation Principle by Murray Stein Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
37:08
October 10, 2021
41 Two key ingredients for managing big emotions
It's really helpful to have specific tools to use when we find ourselves managing stress, or sadness, or grief, or any of the other feelings that come with being alive. In this episode we talk about developing methods of self-regulation that help us feel stable and self with ourselves, and then follow that up with looking at co-regulation and how we can help each other. Cited in this episode: Butler, E. & Randall, A. (2013) Emotional Coregulation in Close Relationships. Emotion Review, vol. 5 no. 2 pp. 202-210. "We propose an operational definition for coregulation as a bidirectional linkage of oscillating emotional channels between partners, which contributes to emotional stability for both partners." Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
31:42
October 03, 2021
40 How to have a productive consensual non-monogamy conversation
Last episode we talked about setting up for success starting the first conversation on non-monogamy with your partner. In this episode, we talk about some of the practical details that you'll want to include in the conversation. Your relationships can be whatever you and your partner(s) design together, so let's get into some of the important components of a caring transitional conversation. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
31:27
September 26, 2021
39 I want to be consensually non-monogamous: how do I talk to my partner?
We've had so many questions about this! How do I bring up the idea of non-monogamy with my partner? What can I do to make it go well? Spend a little time with us talking about what we've learned through our experiences and Joli's years of research. Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her Sign up for the Jealousy Rewired workshop on 9/25/2021 If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
38:34
September 19, 2021
38 How jealousy was the best thing that ever happened to me
Jealousy shows up differently for each of us, but it is a typical human experience. In this episode we talk about defining it, dancing with it, and five things we can do to use jealousy to strengthen and deepen our relationships. Joli shares exactly how she found herself studying jealousy every day for the past twelve years and the five-step process she uses to transform jealousy. Sign up for the Jealousy Rewired workshop on 9/25/2021 Get the book Project Relationship Learn about Joli and how to work with her If you want to stay up to date on Joli's jealousy work be sure to join the Project Relationship mailing list
45:33
September 12, 2021
37 Summer's over... negotiating how we handle getting back to the grind
The shift from summer to fall is an easy time to let unexpressed expectations quickly escalate to resentment. Having an intentional conversation about how we share the work of a household is a critical step for keeping your expectations out in the open. Prioritizing love is easier when we regularly revisit how we do this LIFE thing together. Mentioned in this episode: Four Thousand Weeks is a great read for rethinking how we can make the most of our time. You can read about having intimate conversations in Joli's book Project Relationship. And you can find information on working with Joli at www.jolihamilton.com.
21:31
September 05, 2021
36 Vacation sex at home
Want to feel like you're on vacation at home? In this episode we talk about some things you can do to bring that vacation feeling home, and specifically into the bedroom, anytime. You can read about designing your own rituals in Joli's book Project Relationship. And you can find information on working with Joli at www.jolihamilton.com.
28:08
August 29, 2021
35 How not to let your relationship agreement screw up your relationship
Having a relationship agreement is important, but it can be used to hurt as well as help our relationships. In this episode we talk about what the relationship agreement really is and what it's for, and list some ways to use it to get everybody more security and connection.
37:15
August 22, 2021
34 Three ways masturbation improves your relationship
Masturbation has gotten all kinds of press over the years - some good, some bad, some clinical. We are fans of masturbation. Let's talk about what it's good for, how you can explore and learn about yourself, and some ways you can use it to enhance your connection to your partners. Bonus, Joli's going in deep with the depth psychology of masturbation on this one too!
38:25
August 15, 2021
33 Individuation Accelerator: What if we don't keep the same beat in our relationship?
Joli calls relationships an individuation accelerator- is your love built for it? Navigating individual differences between partners is not easy (and individuation requires difference!) In this episode, we share some of the ways we manage being vastly different people with divergent interests and goals. We share two key moves you can make to create an individuation relationship of your own. You get to write the script for your relationship yourselves, you don't have to use anybody else's. 
40:53
August 08, 2021
32 What do I do when my partner's family is driving me crazy?
Our partner's family can add some challenges to our relationship. In this episode we talk about our own experiences, our mistakes, our successes, and how our relationship deepens because of all of that. Boundary setting plays an important role in all of this, so we refer to the fantastic book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab, and recommend it as a resource for anyone wanting to improve those skills. 
30:04
August 01, 2021
31 Threesomes... what to consider before the fun
Monogamy works really well for a lot of people and yet a recent study showed that group sexual encounters are the number one fantasy in the US. Maybe as a pair, you've started talking about including other people in your sex life. That can be really fun to think about and to talk about. And there is so much to talk about before taking action! In this episode, we share some things to talk about that can help you all get what you want out of the experience, whether it's a one-time thing or something you're interested in long-term, or something that you decide is more fun to fantasize about than act on.
42:13
July 25, 2021
30 How to go from off-the-rack to custom-designed relationship
You've heard us talk about making a relationship agreement that really works for your particular love... but what if you have been married and now things have changed? Maybe you still deeply care about each other but you don't want the standard-issue marriage anymore. Is divorce the only option? Divorce or not, there are actually bigger issues to consider if you want to really go from that one-size-fits-all (who are we kidding, one size is not sufficient!) kind of marriage to an exquisitely customized love.  Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
41:03
July 18, 2021
29 Letting your partner grow at their own pace
Last time we talked about managing hard times. What about the good times? Sometimes our partner will be having wins, and maybe we're not, and those times can be challenging too. What can we do to help our partner grow into themselves more? How can we help each other grow? How can we maintain and develop our connection when it looks like things might be changing? In this episode we talk about our experiences with this situation, and offer some things we do that help those times develop our relationship.  Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
31:41
July 04, 2021
28 Showing up for your partner during heartbreak & grief
Heartbreak and sadness show up in all of our lives. How we show up for each other during those times can have a big impact on our relationships. In this episode we talk about some of the ways we support each other through those times, and how both our similarities and differences help us do that.
29:24
June 20, 2021
27 Relationship agreements in the wild
We are talking relationship agreements again, this time looking at how we actually, practically, maintain ours. We also found a hole in one of ours while recording that we need to address. (No relationship escapes being a work in progress, including ours!) Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
31:29
June 06, 2021
26 Doesn't this person ever leave?
Quarantine has gone on a long time, now, and most of the natural breaks we used to get have disappeared. As the world opens up we are READY to get some space for sure but honestly, Joli can't wait any longer. Listen to this episode as we brainstorm a way to get a much-needed break from each other with respect and mutual caring. In this episode, we are creating an intentional, well-defined break in our relationship to avoid enmeshment and increase satisfaction. When we say this show is honest, we mean it... this episode found us exploring and co-creating our relationship on the fly. 
31:19
May 09, 2021
25 No, really, who IS this person I love?
Marriage is learning all the things you missed on your first meeting. Imagine asking your partner a question you know the answer to and getting a new answer. Does that sound fun, or scary, or both? In this episode we talk about how that works for us, how we make room for each other to change, and how we handle those changes.
31:21
April 25, 2021
24 Do I really want my lover to see me?
Do you ever feel hesitant to share your inner world with your lovers, partners, friends? In this episode we share our experiences and struggles with transparency, and why we lean into it even when it seems hard. (Spoiler alert - it can promote intimacy, passion, and connection.)
39:31
April 18, 2021
23 Magic marriage ingredient: Play
Finding a way to play with our partner can change how we experience life. In this episode, we are talking about how we introduce the joy of play into relating, parenting, running a household, and yes, sex too. Married life has piled up the responsibilities but playfulness has been the most consistent way to put the magic back into the mundane.
31:17
March 28, 2021
22 Relationship flags - red, green, and otherwise
Developing relationships takes care and courage. This week Angela Lussier joins us and we share thoughts and stories about dating and relationships in general. We talk about what we each want and don't want, what we watch out for and what we seek out, and a little bit about what can happen when we miss the signs. Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
53:29
March 21, 2021
21 A secret weapon for relationship satisfaction
Sometimes we get caught up in the changes and challenges everyday life brings. In this episode, we talk about some ways we acknowledge and increase meaning in our lives, and in our relationship. Sometimes we do it on purpose, sometimes we look around and say "oh, we do this thing, and it matters to us and helps us connect". Joli referred to this study about relationship rituals, and for more ideas about creating rituals you can check out chapter 12 of Joli's first book, Project Relationship. Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
31:03
March 14, 2021
20 What an open relationship *might* look like
There is no one way for relationships to work. What does "work" even mean, really? That is up to the people in the relationship. In this episode, we explore some of the common labels people use to describe their open relationships and what we have decided to use in ours. Of course, labels will only take you so far before you need to dive into the actual meaning behind your words and this can get messy sometimes. The idea of designing a relationship is at the heart of our life. This episode is all about how we have created our open relationship- one that works for us and flexes as we change and grow.  Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
42:59
March 07, 2021
19 The shame of a messy beginning
In the second part of a mini-series about shame, Joli shares some vulnerability as we go into her feelings about the rocky early years of our relationship, and the final years of our respective first marriages. That challenging time left its marks, and Joli talks about her experiences with couple’s privilege, secrecy (no surprise, since we’re still talking about shame), and how those experiences impact her now. It’s uncommon to see inside another relationship, so listen in for a tiny glimpse into Joli and Ken’s as it is right now. Relationships change, and the people in them grow, and Joli talks about how she handles the shame and other feelings that come out of that time, in hopes that others might find some support and insight. If you’d like to find out more about Joli’s work head to https://www.jolihamilton.com/
31:13
February 28, 2021
18 Shame & secrecy (and sex!)
In the first of a mini-series about shame, we aren’t holding back! The feeling of shame has kept parts of Ken hidden from Joli for years even though we’ve been consciously working on it. This isn’t surprising because shame encourages secret-keeping. Confidence has been masking shame in our home even with a careful eye towards it. Shame has been showing up in unexpected spots and when it does we often feel disconnected right when we most want to feel seen and loved. No holds barred in this episode, sexual shame has been hiding too long, so listen in if you’re someone who has ever struggled with shame or the secrets it might encourage. Ken brought his vulnerability right to the forefront this week, hoping to share a story that will help others. Book mentioned in this episode: Dark Eros by Thomas Moore http://bit.ly/3ppVcns  If you need some shame-work musical inspiration listen to Shame by The Avett Brothers If you’d like to find out more about Joli’s work head to https://www.jolihamilton.com/
31:40
February 21, 2021
17 Sexual Fantasies
Sexual fantasies are exciting, but not everyone feels comfortable sharing them with their partner. This week we are talking about how we figured out what each of us needs in order to feel safe to share our fantasies. There is no right or wrong, but fantasy can wake up the beast of jealousy and its best friend shame. What do we do when that happens? How do we get past the junk and revel in sharing our sexiest fantasies? We have spent years developing our ability to do exactly this and it is now one of the best parts of our life together. It all started with a few brave words and a lot of patience. We also got into the nuances between privacy and secrecy jumping off from the work of Vienna Pharaon (Check them out on Insta @mindfulmft).  If you’ve struggled with trying to speak your sexy with your partner, this episode can’t be missed! Learn more about Project Relationship at www.JoliHamilton.com
30:53
February 14, 2021
16 Relationship agreements and polyamory (or monogamy!)
Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important part of our personal relationship design. In this episode, we are talking about what it takes to go from assuming you *know the rules* to creating relationship agreements that are explicit and able to grow with you as your relationship changes.  Consensual non-monogamy isn't the right fit for everyone, monogamy is beautiful and a great choice for lots of people. But, polyamory has been making a lot of headlines and popping up in storylines more and more. If you are curious about what it looks like from the inside, have a listen. We've found that no matter what relationship style you choose, we can all learn from each other. To buy Project Relationship the book, head here: https://bit.ly/JoliBook To learn more about working with Joli or to listen to her TedX talk:  www.JoliHamilton.com Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
31:40
February 07, 2021
15 What does intimacy look like if you are non-monogamous?
Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important part of our personal relationship design. We are talking about what intimacy means when you no longer have the rules of monogamy to guide you. How vulnerable is too vulnerable with someone outside your marriage? What does it feel like to know that my partner is happy without me sometimes? It's all complicated, but not as impossible as it might seem.  Consensual non-monogamy isn't the right fit for everyone, monogamy is beautiful and a great choice for lots of people. But, polyamory has been making a lot of headlines and popping up in storylines more and more. If you are curious about what it looks like from the inside, have a listen. We've found that no matter what relationship style you choose, we can all learn from each other. Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/ To buy Project Relationship the book, head here: https://bit.ly/JoliBook To learn more about working with Joli or to listen to her TedX talk:  www.JoliHamilton.com
31:19
January 31, 2021
14 Why polyamory?
To kick off season 2 we are responding to a request from a listener who asked "Why are you polyamorous?" Joli studied consensual non-monogamies as a research psychologist but it is also an important part of our personal relationship design. We are talking about what polyamory is, why it works for us, and how it feels to put your heart in someone's hand without the rules of monogamy. Consensual non-monogamy isn't the right fit for everyone, monogamy is beautiful and a great choice for lots of people. But, polyamory has been making a lot of headlines and popping up in storylines more and more. If you are curious about what it looks like from the inside, have a listen. We've found that no matter what relationship style you choose, we can all learn from each other. Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/ To buy Project Relationship the book, head here: https://bit.ly/JoliBook To learn more about working with Joli or to listen to her TedX talk:  www.JoliHamilton.com
31:14
January 24, 2021
13 Celebrating and still learning
In the wrap-up for season 1, Joli and Ken are sharing what it feels like to share their relationship ups and downs with the world. The biggest lessons are often scary to talk about, even years later. Admitting where we hurt each other or when we've been out of integrity with our values is vulnerable but getting real is key to continually deepening connection with each other and with the larger world. Season 2 is coming soon- if you have a topic or question, we invite you to share them, grab the email address in the show.
26:14
December 29, 2020
12 Feel like a failure when a relationship ends? 3 tools to help ease life's big transitions
Episode 12 is about failure and what happens when we judge our relationship success only by how long it lasts. Endings and transitions can be extremely challenging, especially when we imagine that an ending feels like it defines us. In this episode, Joli and Ken talk about three things they do to get through the tough endings and big transitions with a little more grace and a ton more insight. 
32:07
December 24, 2020
11 Making money talk-aboutable
In episode 11 we are talking about money and how hard it can be to say what needs to be said when we share finances and responsibility for a household. Going from terrified and even dishonest money habits to open, honest, connected conversations about money isn't easy because so many of us have money complexes- hangups that leave us acting in wildly unhelpful ways. Making money talk-aboutable is key to making relationship teamwork a reality instead of a pipedream.
30:18
December 22, 2020
10 Navigating drastically different communication styles
Working together, whether you are running a business together or just working from the same home office puts a bright spotlight on relationship weaknesses. In this episode, Joli and Ken are talking about how they manage communication styles so different they initially seemed completely incompatible. Finding creative ways to navigate these differences has taken patience, troubleshooting tolerance, and one stuffed sloth. 
31:40
December 18, 2020
9 Fighting with love...how we relearned how to argue
Even the word fighting can make people uncomfortable. But relationships are messy and people are complicated. In this episode, Ken and Joli talk about how they find ways to love each other better, build a stronger connection, and learn about each other while talking through the bumps and bruises that come with close connection.
31:58
December 15, 2020
8 Sex reimagined...with one question
Sex is a spot that easily leads to misunderstandings, even for a couple who are on the same page in so many ways! In this episode, Ken and Joli talk about how one seemingly-simple question led to a total reimagining of what sex could be in their relationship. With a little courage and a sense of humor, talking about sex can bring you closer together even during stressful times. It's not about how much sex you are having (or not!) but how to get on the same page about what you could create together.
31:52
December 10, 2020
7 How to get what you want for the holiday (or any day!)
Having two different communication styles is a recipe for misunderstandings and hurt feelings. We had to learn the super-hard way how to ask for what we need and how to set the stage for a successful conversation no matter how sticky the topic is. Ken and Joli are sharing some of their complicated first holiday story in this episode. Ken talks about how it felt to try to communicate with two partners who had very different wants and needs. Yeah, that's right, we had a complex relationship right from the start-multiple partners and all.  All those complications made it even more crucial to find practical ways to totally overhaul our communication habits--thankfully it has really worked!
30:45
December 08, 2020
6 The courage to want
When holiday stress feels overwhelming I've had the impulse to turn away from my partner and just hunker down in my overloaded psyche. Learning how to courageously lean into the feeling of want is a move that turns holiday stress into an opportunity to connect in our most tender spots. Identifying our wants is at the root of knowing our standpoint, our deeper self, which is a pre-requisite for sharing ourselves with our partner. 
27:60
December 03, 2020
5 Relationship resilience for the holidays
The holiday season is awesome... and practically tragic in its ability to leave us feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, and disconnected. In this episode, we talk about how we managed to bring joy back to the forefront of our holiday celebrations by focusing on little moments of connection and getting really explicit on what we need from each other. A dynamic life means that peace & joy sometimes feel out of reach, but by learning how to see our strengths and weaknesses without shame we have the chance to reimagine the holidays and really our whole relationship. Resilience means learning how to be with what is and what we cannot possibly plan for, listen as we explore our resilience habits and failures as we work to make this holiday fun, pandemic and all.
31:56
December 01, 2020
4 Who the heck IS this person I love?
What is it about love that keeps us assuming that we already know each other, even though we are changing and living in a changing world? Joli and Ken work on how can we keep our relationship pleasurable over the years despite grief, growth, and a changing world. Taking a step away from our assumptions about each other (even though we've known each other our whole lives!) means there are joyful surprises to uncover every day. This episode asks us to look again at those we know the best and dive into them with intentional curiosity.
30:29
November 26, 2020
3 Boundaries at the holidays
Boundaries are an invitation to intimacy but the holidays can make it feel like your boundaries have no place in life. The gravity of tradition can get in the way of checking in with ourselves about what we truly need and want. In this episode, we share stories about how it felt to combine family traditions and how rocky it was trying to learn to communicate our needs to each other when we weren't even sure what those needs were! Learning how to set boundaries started for us with a freezing cold, muddy, miserable Christmas eve walk. Luckily, every day gives us new opportunities to learn about our yes's and no's and most of them don't have to involve a muddy, frozen toddler crying on your hip. Committing to reimagine the holidays is the best gift we can get this wild 2020 holiday season!
29:28
November 24, 2020
2 Empowered relating & holiday stress
Owning our *stuff* around the holidays is hard. Joli and Ken are sharing stories about navigating big feelings, a busy family, and old family patterns that pop up at the least helpful times. Learning what works and what sets us off hasn't been simple but it has given us the chance to make stressful times a little smoother and a lot more pleasurable.  For more Project Relationship head to www.JoliHamilton.com 
27:20
November 18, 2020
1 Wanting more in love (even at the holidays!)
In episode 1 we are sharing stories about how we've worked on wanting a more-than-okay relationship. Joli and Ken talk about how they combined holiday traditions and how hard it has been to make space for each other's wants.  This episode turned into a live-troubleshooting session where we took stock of-and then action on- some things that haven't been working.  Find more about Project Relationship at www.JoliHamilton.com Follow Joli https://www.instagram.com/drjoli_hamilton/
22:16
November 17, 2020