Playing With Fire
By Joli Hamilton
We’re talking about non-monogamy–however you design it–as an individuation opportunity.
Want to leave the default and make your life spectacularly you? You’re in the right place.
Playing With FireDec 03, 2022
151 Justice Jealousy
Some kinds of jealousy can just feel totally overwhelming. They may even make you feel rage. Justice jealousy is definitely one of them.
Justice jealousy—a term that was coined by Jessica Fern (one of our favorite authors and recurring PWF guest)—can happen when your partner wasn’t able to provide something for you in the past, and then you witness them providing that same thing to one of their other partners. Ouch!
The feelings that come up in these situations can be strong. So we’re here to give you strong frameworks, ideas, and tools that can help you understand, unpack, and work towards finding a resolution. (Spoiler alert, resolution might not look like what you had in mind when justice jealousy is in the picture!)
In this episode, we talk about:
— Why it’s important to know the difference between jealousy and envy
— What underlying issues can fuel strong feelings of justice jealousy
— Why it may be more helpful to focus on empathy and understanding instead of strict ideas of fairness
— The complexities of relationship repair in situations of justice jealousy
— Communication, forgiveness, healing, and the tools that can help you work through justice jealousy and its related issues
Resources mentioned in this episode: Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non-Monogamy by Jessica Fern
Imago Dialogue: Episode 129 of Playing With Fire
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
150 Asymmetric Agreements: How much balance should we strive for?
So, you want to create relationship agreements with your partner. Great! You probably want those agreements to be fair, balanced, and symmetrical. Great… right?
Here’s the thing: everyone is different. We all have our own needs, wants, limits, trauma histories… the list goes on! So is trying to make symmetrical relationship agreements a worthwhile task? (Spoiler alert: not really!)
In this episode, we discuss how you can use the concept of asymmetry on purpose, and we break down why it can be a powerful way to create agreements that are practical, honest, and that account for the unpredicted.
Listen on to learn about:
—What ‘fairness’ actually means in the context of relationship agreements
—Why agreements should be explicit and mutual
—The power of actually writing down your agreements
—The importance of aligning your agreements with your values
—How the process of creating these agreements can be a transformative way to deepen your understanding of yourself and your partner
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions
149 Relationship Agreements 101
There are a lot of bad ways to make relationship agreements. (Trust us, we’ve been there!) But creating supportive agreements can open up a world of experimentation for you and your partner(s), while also providing safe, solid structures to fall back on.
This isn’t our first episode on relationship agreements, and it won’t be the last (we LOVE this topic), but this one’s a must listen–we’re breaking down all the basics.
—Learn the difference between relationship agreements and relationship philosophies.
—Understand the 3 main types of relationship agreements and why you need to start with ONE SPECIFIC TYPE!
—Find out how your unconscious may try to take over the agreement-making process and what you can do about that!
Sexual health resources:
Planned Parenthood’s STI Resource Center
Real Life Relationship Conversations: SPREAD Sexual Health Framework Examples
Imago Dialogue is a framework for conversations that was created by Harville Hendrix Ph.D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D. Learn more by listening to Episode 129 of Playing With Fire
Maxx Hill’s Relationship Smorgasbord
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
148 Can my attachment style do non-monogamy?
Attachment theory has been all the rage recently, and hey, we get it - it’s a super helpful tool that comes up a lot in our work! But we’ve also been noticing some common pitfalls that are easy to stumble into while exploring the world of attachment styles. Labels like anxious, avoidant, or disorganized can feel quite restrictive, especially when people start to assume them as an identity.
Here’s the thing: you are a whole, complex, multifaceted person, and every relationship you have is going to be a little (or a lot!) different when it comes to attachment. That’s why, in this episode, we break down a fresh perspective on attachment, focusing on our tendencies instead of rigid labels.
We discuss the importance of context and nuance within conversations about attachment, especially when it comes to non-monogamous relationships. Plus, we talk about why there's a real need for more research in this area – and nope, it's not just because I'm a total research nerd!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
147 How to build healthy differentiation
Differentiation is one of the pillars of conscious relationships—but it doesn’t just happen, we have to actively practice differentiation over time. When we don’t, there will be symptoms:
If you’ve been feeling some resentment building up inside of you, if you’ve been feeling smothered, if you think you might be over- or under-functioning in your relationship(s), or if you’ve been having the same fights over and over with your partner(s), it might be time for you to get serious about differentiation.
Differentiation involves being able to identify your own feelings, thoughts, and needs as separate from those of your partner(s). This is one of our favorite subjects. But it can also be a scary one!
In this episode, we’re giving you a fabulous set of tools and knowledge to start you on your path towards healthy differentiation. We’re talking about what differentiation is, why it’s so important, the difference between individuation and differentiation, signs that you might be ready to start your differentiation journey, some challenges you may face throughout your differentiation practice, and we’ll give you some practical advice for and real-life examples of cultivating differentiation.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
146 Will non-monogamy make it possible to stay together?
We get this question a lot. But there are some questions lying under the surface of this one… first and foremost, *will non monogamy make it possible for us to not deal with all the shit that we just don't want to deal with??* It probably won’t surprise you to hear that our answers to these questions are nuanced, complicated, and exciting, but also possibly dysregulating!! To answer this question, we’re diving into the complexities of transitioning to non-monogamy. There are so many opportunities *and* road blocks that can pop up on the road to polyamory (trust us, we would know!). We discuss how to avoid resentment, the importance of transparency and communication, and how non-monogamy can bring about the potential for some seriously transformative personal and relational growth. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Get the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for an Ask Me Anything here
145 How can I handle dysregulation in my relationships?
AKA–what do I do when everything in my relationship goes sideways??
To kick off season nine of PWF, we’re getting vulnerable and digging deep. We share our personal experiences with relational dysregulation, and we discuss communication styles, attachment tendencies, and tools that help us resolve conflict.
Dysregulation can be fertile ground for relational growth. To show you why, we turn to our depth psychology roots, and explore concepts like embracing multiplicity, shadow exploration, and transcending binaries of good and bad.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
144 Handling polyamory problems: Q&A with Polywise authors Jessica Fern and David Cooley
We’re back with Jessica Fern and David Cooley, co-authors of the incredible book Polywise, and this time they’re answering your questions.
We cover so much in this episode, but it’s all through the lens of a restorative relational framework, which is an incredibly powerful way to transform how you move through conflict in your relationships. Their responses include both practical exercises that you can implement in your life today, and important, big-picture discussions about polyamory, attachment, jealousy, reassurance, parenting, and so much more.
Here are the questions that Jessica and David answer in this episode:
- What would you recommend for a hinge partner working to unpack codependence in non-monogamy?
- How do I manage this feeling? - When my partner is getting closer to someone else, in my head, that means that they're moving further away from me.
- How can I rebuild or repair metamour relationships when resentment and misunderstandings have started to pile up?
- What do you do when you're parenting with someone that you're disentangling from?
- How do I meet attachment needs within long distance partnerships?
Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love.
Learn more at www.JessicaFern.com
David Cooley is a professional Restorative Justice facilitator, diversity and privilege awareness trainer, and bilingual cultural broker. He is the creator of the Restorative Relationship Conversations model, a process that transforms interpersonal conflict into deeper connection, intimacy and repair. In his private practice, David specializes in working with non-monogamous and LGBTQ partnerships, incorporating a variety of modalities including trauma-informed care, attachment theory, somatic practices, narrative theory, and mindfulness-based techniques.
To learn more about doing restorative partner work with David, visit his website here: www.restorativerelationship.com
JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. Registration is open now at www.theyearofopening.com
Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
143 Consent, stronger relationships, and hotter sex in a changing world with author Dr. Eric FitzMedrud
Consent can be a difficult topic for everyone. And there's a particularly large gap in our cultural conversations, sexual education, and practical skill development when it comes to consent and men. So many men (and that includes anyone who identifies as a man!) know there’s a problem, and want to do better, but aren’t entirely sure how to fix it.
Our guest for this episode, Dr. Eric Fitzmedrud is here to remedy that. His work dives deep and does not shy away from difficult conversations. He knows from his own experiences, and from his experiences as a therapist, how important support and connection are for men, and how often men struggle to find it, because of our suffocating cultural norms around masculinity.
No man can—or should—live up to the 2-dimensional, patriarchal image of what a man is supposed to be. So many people know that, but when we’re faced with difficult situations, it’s easy to slip back into outdated gender roles. In this episode, we’re digging into how you can develop the emotional skills you need to navigate these relationship challenges with more nuance and integrity.
Eric FitzMedrud is a therapist specializing in relationship and sexual issues in the San Francisco Bay Area. His specialty is helping men improve their sex lives by learning to regulate emotions, remove sexual entitlement, and hone sexual consent and negotiation skills. FitzMedrud is a member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. He has been published in academic books, presented at conferences, and taught many graduate courses in psychology. He is polyamorous, bisexual, and lives with his wife of twenty-three years and his life partner of six years in San Francisco’s East Bay area, California.
Read Dr. FitzMedrud’s new book HERE
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
142 Enmeshment: Are you over-functioning in your relationship?
Enmeshment doesn’t have to be a big scary subject. In this episode we’re breaking it down into two simple (but super important!) pieces: over-functioning and under-functioning.
If you suspect you might be enmeshed in your relationship(s), and you want to start identifying those patterns, this one is a must-listen. We take it all the way to the root and examine the core wounds and beliefs that could be underlying your relationship patterns. AND, we talk about how practical tools like embodied awareness can help you honor your and your partners’ individuation journeys.
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
141 Being polywise with Jessica Fern and David Cooley
Individuation, enmeshment, symbiosis, co-dependence, individualism, interdependence… how on Earth can we navigate through all these paradigms and bring balance to our relationships??
Luckily, in this episode, we’re joined by Jessica Fern and David Cooley, two all-star authors and practitioners in the non-monogamy space. We get into the nuances of individuation, and how to work towards differentiation in a way that is intentional instead of reactive.
We talk about the monomind (that sneaky thing is always causing trouble!!) and how it can be a barrier to individuation and healthy conflict resolution in non-monogamous relationships.
Jessica and David’s new book Polywise is a must-read. Learn more about it here!
Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love.
Learn more at www.JessicaFern.com
David Cooley is a professional Restorative Justice facilitator, diversity and privilege awareness trainer, and bilingual cultural broker. He is the creator of the Restorative Relationship Conversations model, a process that transforms interpersonal conflict into deeper connection, intimacy and repair. In his private practice, David specializes in working with non-monogamous and LGBTQ partnerships, incorporating a variety of modalities including trauma-informed care, attachment theory, somatic practices, narrative theory, and mindfulness-based techniques.
To learn more about doing restorative partner work with David, visit his website here: www.restorativerelationship.com
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
140 [Replay] Balancing individuation & secure attachment with Polysecure author Jessica Fern
Jessica will be back next week with her coauthor David Cooley. Prime the pump by listening to this episode!
~
It's normal to want your relationship to feel secure.
It's normal to want to individuate.
It's normal to want to explore what life can look like beyond the constraints of default monogamy.
But how do you actually deal with your specific attachment wounds and still create a love that makes space for multiple loving connections?
Joli & Jessica dove into how attachment theory can help us make a relationship that actually works for us, but we went beyond the surface of attachment theory. Y'all are smart- and she's done a lot of interviews already (google is your friend), so I wanted to go deeper and find out how Jessica weaves other theories into her work and how she helps people move out of relational trauma loops and into the life they desire.
Jealousy, internal family systems/parts work, and narrative therapy... oh, and some sneak peeks of Jessica's upcoming book Polywise!
Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love.
Learn more at www.JessicaFern.com
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
139 Hinge skills part 2: How to go from squeaky hinge to skilled tapestry weaver
Communication, transitions, new relationship energy, oh my! Being a hinge partner between multiple consensually non-monogamous relationships can be so overwhelming. Don’t worry—in this second episode of our hinge skills series, we’re diving even deeper into the skills you can develop that could take you from squeaky hinge to skillful tapestry weaver.
We discuss all the tricky aspects of polyamorous relationships and metamours—needs, boundaries, emotions, schedules, energy levels, the list goes on…—and how you can bring these various pieces into harmony.
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
138 How can I be a better hinge partner?
Feeling more like a doorstop than a hinge? We’ve been there. If you are the pivot point between multiple partners in a polyamorous relationship, you already know that it can be a challenging role to play.
In this episode, we're talking about what it means to be a hinge, and what skills you can build to help you fill this role. Highlights include: time management, boundary setting, responsibility, distress tolerance, and so much more.
Listen on to find out how you can strengthen your relationships with yourself, your partners, and your metamours!
Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
137 Handling the stress of relational growth
Starting a new relationship, ending a relationship, negotiating within a partnership for the first time, practicing differentiation, having kids - all of these changes can be positive, exciting, and beneficial, but they can also bring up stress.
Making sense of all those conflicting emotions can be challenging. If you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed by your relationship(s), that is SO OK!! And, this is the episode for you! We talk about a ton of powerful tools you can use to stay grounded while navigating relationship changes and growth.
Embracing your agency in the face of change is a huge part of the individuation work we talk so much about. Listen to learn more!
Playing With Fire has been featured as one of the top 5 best non-monogamy podcasts!
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
136 Help, I got poly-bombed!
When one person in a monogamous relationship announces to their partner that they are polyamorous, it can be shocking, and it can bring up a lot of feelings. Some people call this “polybombing” - maybe you’ve heard the term before, maybe you’ve experienced it.
We know - from experience - that there are some pretty big dos and don’ts for this conversation, and in this episode we’re talking about how to present this information you’ve discovered about yourself in a way that fosters a sense of openness.
Don’t fret: there is SO much to learn about regulation and communication, and there are so many tools that can help you stay present during this kind of challenging conversation and the many others that come along with deep relationships!
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
135 Veto power: The good, the bad, and the ugly
Veto power: What is it? What are the pros of cons of using it in polyamorous relationships? Could the desire to exercise it be a relic from your monomind?
Spoiler alert: we aren’t fans of veto power. It can feel like a protective measure, but veto power can actually inhibit the trust and personal growth that makes relationships strong.
There are many ways to create safety and negotiate boundaries without having to incorporate a power imbalance into your love life—and we’re talking about them in this episode. We also share some of our own experiences with veto power, and answer a lot of questions you may have about metamours, negotiation, and much more.
If you’ve used veto power in your relationships before, it’s never to late to revisit the conversation—no matter how challenging that may be!
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
134 Agreements, boundaries, and consequences
‘Agreements’ and ’consequences’ can feel like big scary words, but they are not the same things and ‘rules’ and ‘punishments.’ In fact, when you put these frameworks into practice, they can actually make you feel so much more security and relief.
We discuss why it’s important, especially in non-monogamous relationships, to have clear agreements, and to have clear next steps for what happens when those agreements are broken.
We walk through some example scenarios and discuss the benefits of proactive problem solving as opposed to leaving these important decisions to be made in the moment.
We also talk about needs, wants, boundaries, and ultimatums, and how having nuanced, regulated, intentional conversations about these subjects can create parameters for creative connection while maintaining ease and safety.
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
133 Doing the relationship work
Relationship “work” doesn’t have to feel like work! With some re-framing and a playful attitude, the work can feel a lot more like play!
What does it mean to ‘do the work’ in your relationship? This phrase gets tossed around all the time, but in this episode we’re digging into what relationship work can actually look like for you.
There are a few key ingredients for doing the work that, when missing, can leave you feeling lost in the process: effort, attitude, and structure.
We discuss how to determine where to direct your efforts and the importance of collaborating to clarify a purpose in your relationship. We also talk about specific tools you can use to give this process a structure that will help you stay connected and on track towards your growth goals.
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
132 Why am I not enough?
If you’ve had a partner bring up the possibility of non-monogamy, and your reaction was - ‘why am I not enough?’ - you’re not alone. We dive into why this feeling comes up so often for people who are exploring non-monogamy, and we discuss what depth psychology can teach us about how to move through this painful feeling.
We share our personal experiences of feeling unvalued in relationships, and of struggling to support partners through their own feelings of low self-worth while moving through different stages of an open relationship.
This feeling doesn’t have to last forever—in fact, non-monogamy and the individuation work that comes with it can help you to address preexisting, underlying self-worth issues and foster a sense of stability and resilience.
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
131 De-escalating relationships with care
Conversations about de-escalation can stir up a lot of fear—change freaks us out!—but things are always changing in our relationships, especially when we’re exploring non-monogamy and untangling ourselves from the fairy tale, rom-com version of love.
De-escalation doesn’t always have to be a sudden, slam-on-the-brakes change—we discuss how de-escalation can be a pragmatic, intentional way of attending to what the situation actually needs, instead of following the traditional relationship stepladder.
We share some of our own experiences of escalating and de-escalating our relationship, we talk about our ongoing processes of questioning and re-imagining the cultural narratives of breakups, and we discuss the challenges of navigating parenting and relationship changes.
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
130 Turn toxic attractions into psychological growth w/Sunny Megatron
What if you didn’t have to cut yourself off from your own toxic attractions? Sounds ridiculous, right? I MUST have to go cold turkey on my romanticization of a***hole behavior. But what if exploring them took your personal growth journey to the next level?
In this episode, we’re diving deep into why that kinky stuff is so yummy, and what you can do to leverage your toxic romanticizations into growth + fun.
We’re joined by Sunny Megatron, a sex, kink, and BDSM educator and media personality, and we get into all the juicy details of how exploring taboo subjects can actually help you express yourself, explore your unconscious, form stronger boundaries, regain a sense of agency, and process past traumas.
Sunny Megatron is an award-winning Sexologist, Kink & BDSM Educator, Certified Sex Educator and Relationship Coach, and media personality. If you haven’t followed her socials yet, you’re really missing out!
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
129 Imago Dialogue: Transforming Conflict into Connection
Conflict happens. Especially when differentiation and individuation are parts of your personal and relational journeys. And that’s a good thing!
Enter Imago Dialogue, a communication tool created by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. Not only can it transform your communication, using Imago Dialogue can transform conflict into more connection.
Whether you’re practicing Imago Dialogue with a romantic partner, family member, or friend, the core idea behind it is something a lot of us have talked about before: I want to feel understood. I want you to understand me!
We walk through the steps of Imago Dialogue, but we also go deeper and talk about how you can set yourself up for success. We talk about practical tools, like emotional regulation techniques, to use before and after your conversation, and we walk through an entire real-life, real-time example of using Imago Dialogue.
Learn more about Dr. Harville Hendrix’s and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt’s work here: www.HarvilleAndHelen.com
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
128 Unfuck Your Monomind
You can be fully immersed in polyamory, living and breathing the non-monogamous lifestyle, and still be stuck in a monogamous mindset. If you feel split, conflicted, like you’re living in bifurcated parallel universes between different partners, you’re not alone.
The paradigm of monogamy runs deep in our society, so it’s no surprise that many people have a hard time breaking out of monogamous internal frameworks, even when so much of their lives reflects their polyamorous identity.
That’s why this conversation is so important—we're talking about shaking away the stigma and learning how to find and process your internalized polyphobia.
Get the support you NEED to have the open relationship you WANT in my year-long group program, The Year Of Opening. Go here now >>> www.TheYearOfOpening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
127 Comperstruggle: When jealousy & compersion collide with Dr. Marie Thouin
Have you ever felt like you’re caught in a mix of jealousy and compersion? Like you want to be happy for your partner, but there’s also this feeling of jealousy tugging at you? You are so not alone. Dr. Marie Thouin has joined us on Playing With Fire before, but this time is extra special, because we’ve coined a new word for that conflicted feeling—comperstruggle! And we’re telling you all about it.
Making the transition from comperstruggle to compersion isn’t always easy, but in this episode we go deep into how self-care, working with your emotions, and strong agreements and communication with your partners can make all the difference while you navigate this challenging space.
Go to WhatIsCompersion.com to book a FREE 30 minutes session with Dr. Marie Thouin, and to download her compersion worksheet
Follow her on Instagram @love_insight_dating
JOIN The Year of Opening community for a full year of learning & support. The waitlist is open now at www.theyearofopening.com
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
126 Finding Your People w/the hosts of Normalizing Non-Monogamy: Emma & Fin
If you’re at the beginning of you non-monogamy journey, or if you’re feeling a little stuck and you don’t know where to turn for community, this episode is for you. We’re joined by Emma and Fin from the Normalizing Non-Monogamy Podcast to discuss all things community.
We talk about why community is so important for people who are exploring non-monogamy, the challenges that come with the process of finding and building community, communication and connection in long term relationships, coming out, balancing authenticity and safety while navigating different social contexts, conflict, privacy, and how all of these things might impact your own personal growth and self-care journeys.
Normalizing Non-Monogamy isn’t just a podcast—it’s also a thriving virtual community of people from all around the world. Click here to check it out! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com.
125 The Jealousy Roadmap
Struggling with your own jealousy?
Partner struggling with jealousy?
Friends/community arguing about how to handle jealousy?
This episode was MADE for you.
The jealousy roadmap emerged directly from my qualitative research on jealousy. Since then I’ve put it to the test with hundreds of people- it works.
And I want you to have it for free because jealousy is a normal emotion and you deserve to feel empowered to work with jealousy proactively.
You’ll also want to download >>>The Jealousy Roadmap Workbook HERE
BONUS!!! If this gets you excited, take the next step and download The Jealousy Masterclass — a 3-hour seminar and 30-page workbook perfect for continuing your jealousy shadow work 50% off because I LOVE that you are diving into your jealousy work!
GET THE JEALOUSY MASTERCLASS 50% off
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Stuck on step 5 of the jealousy roadmap? Nurture Compersion by checking out Dr. Marie Thouin's work at www.WhatIsCompersion.com
124 Are you ready to bring your whole quirky self to your relationships? With guest expert Rachel Wright
How does it go for you to show up with all your unique you-ness? Of course some of you is private, but it can be tricky to bring the rest of you out into your relationships. We talk with distinguished psychotherapist and renowned speaker Rachel Wright about our various experiences being out as our individual selves.
For more from Rachel:
The Wright Conversations podcast
Instagram: @thewright_rachel
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
123 Weasel words and creating more intimacy in your relationships
There are things you can do to build intimacy in your relationships, and things you can do that can break it down. We're talking about wording agreements and commitments in ways that avoid leaving back doors you can sneak out of. and leave you present to your partners and yourself. And what can happen if you don't.
The September 2023 cohort of the Year of Opening is enrolling now! Click here to get more information, or to get on the waitlist for January 2024.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
122 Get the skills to build your own relationship - with guest expert Carrie Jeroslow
Do the limited choices on the mainstream relationship menu leave you feeling restless and looking for something else? Do you think something more customized would suit you and your partners or partner better? I hear you, so we're talking with guest expert Carrie Jeroslow, host of Relationship Diversity Podcast. We talk about solo-amory, the line between monogamy and non-monogamy, embracing discomfort, the value of intention in relationships - we packed a lot in here.
Click here to download a free guide to explore Relationship Diversity
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
121 Am I cut out for non-monogamy? Finding safety during your exploration
Non-monogamy is a big adventure. It's also a huge source of fear and dysregulation for a lot of us.
Individuating also involves quite a bit of discomfort.
When that all gets too much, you can fall back on your routes to safety. If you're not familiar with yours, check out Jake Ernst and the resource link below. But what if you've outgrown your old familiar routes and they don't work as well anymore? No fear, we've got some strategies for managing that.
Download the Routes of Safety resource by Jake Ernst
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
120 How do I break through relationship stagnation?
If you've got a relationship that's feeling like it's hit a plateau, what can you do? It doesn't matter if it's with a romantic partner or a friend or a family member, the moves are pretty similar. We've been there, and we're talking about options to enhance your own aliveness, and the vitality of your relationships. It's not particularly complicated, but it might be hard. How hard it is is specific to you and your relationship. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
119 Soft Cock Week with guest expert Michelle Renee
Wiggly, firm, soft, rigid - peens are shape shifters. Why does that matter? Well, somebody you know might have one, and they might have feelings about that, what with the cultural pressures brought to bear on them. Guest expert Michelle Renee started Soft Cock Week, we talk with her about why she did that, what it's for, what's in it for you, and lots more about finding pleasure in life.
Go to SoftCockWeek.com for resources, upcoming events, opportunities to participate and contribute.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
118 Are there quick and easy ways to manage stress? A: Yes. With guest experts Elisabeth Kristof, Melanie Weller, and Matt Bush
You're alive in a human body, so you have a nervous system, and sometimes it freaks out. What do you do then? We learned Neuro-Somatic Intelligence from the incomparable Elisabeth Kristof, Melanie Weller, and Matt Bush, and they have the same problems we all do. So we got them to share some of their stories of how they use the tools they teach us in their daily lives, and how you can learn to use them too.
They're enrolling their next cohort now, so go to Brain Based Wellness to get their free workshop and start working with Elisabeth, Mark, and Melanie.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
117 Business and pleasure with Beth Hankes
How much more satisfying would work be if you brought more of yourself into your work relationships? Joli talks with Beth Hankes (she/her) about the benefits of bringing your relational skills into the business environment. Beth is the Founder and CEO of Earth and Salt in Burlington, VT, whose mission is to see all people free to live in their pleasure.
Join Beth's mailing list at earthandsaltshop.com, and follow on IG at @earthandsaltshop
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
116 Mindful Dating with guest expert Marie Thouin
Guess what they didn't teach us in school?
HOW TO DATE.
Much less how to date MINDFULLY.
Even less-less when we are ready to date non-monogamously.
My lovely colleague and fellow Ph.D. Researcher, Dr. Marie Thouin, decided to take this matter into her own hands... She talks with us about mindful dating and how you can turn dating into something joyful!
So many good reasons to work with Marie and get more pleasure out of your dating experience, and she's offering a 30 minute free intro session at https://www.whatiscompersion.com/
You can also find her at https://www.loveinsight-dating.com/
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
115 The Nature of Relating with guest expert Megan Bhatia
Have you been *working* on your relationships so hard you've lost the sense of joy and pleasure of it all?
Time for something new!
Megan is an expert in coming home to our innate capacity to relate to your Self & Other by engaging with the natural world & your body
Listen in as we bask in the joy of creating something new.
We've been cooking up an exciting new project that will take you to your body & soul with ease & meaning. Check it out https://www.wetravel.com/trips/the-nature-of-relating-megan-bhatia-llc-costa-rica-43821186
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Interested in working with Joli directly? Click here to apply for individual coaching.
114 Non-monogamy is a psychological growth lab: Are you ready?
Non-monogamy comes in as many forms as there are people imagining outside the norm. Imagination is the tool we use to dream the dream forward to what's next. When you follow your imagination that way you gain a better understanding of yourself.
Relationships that focus on growth don't have to be non-monogamous, but non-monogamy creates tons of opportunities to make your unconscious *stuff* conscious. It will also likely challenge you to face your relational wounds and fears. This might sound like its not a ton of fun but in practice it isn't just the tough stuff that surfaces- it also reveals deep layers of joy and pleasure. Knowing that you are in a psychological relationship makes the waves of *stuff* meaningful so you can get into the juicy fun too!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
113 How to do hard things & build exceptional love with Neuro-Somatic Intelligence expert Elisabeth Kristof
How do you handle wigging out, feeling like a mess, or in technical terms getting dysregulated? Well, we rely on tools we learned from applied neurologist Elisabeth Kristof, and now you can hear about them directly from her! Learning how to work with your unique nervous system is like getting the cheat code to be more present in your life, have access to pleasure, and be more of who you want to be even when stuff gets tough.
You're going to want to know how to work with Elisabeth, and she's offering two free weeks of live and on-demand coaching at freeneurotrial.com!
And... hey... if you've been wanting to train to be a Neuro-Somatic Coach a new cohort enrolls this fall- learn more by booking a call with Elisabeth HERE
Elisabeth Kristof, MA, is an expert in nervous system health for trauma resolution and behavior change. She is the founder of Brain-Based Wellness, an online platform that trains the nervous system and body to resolve old patterns, improve performance and increase well-being. She is co-host of the Trauma Rewired podcast that explores the neurology of complex trauma.
Elisabeth is a certified applied neurology and somatics practitioner who has been in the wellness industry since 2007. She works with entrepreneurs, athletes, leaders and creatives to improve resilience, manage stress and regulate emotions through intentional, science-based brain training.
Her research and work with hundreds of clients has taught her that healing and change must occur in both the body and the mind, that each body, mind, and nervous system is unique, and most importantly, that with the right tools, we are all capable of healing.
She is also the founder of Neuro-Somatic Intelligence Certification, an ICF-accredited course that teaches leading-edge, somatic coaching that creates client transformation from the body to the brain.
Curious if you're ready to open your relationship successfully? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
112 Sex clubs and more with Ashley Weller from What's Your Position podcast
Swinging, sex clubs, bdsm, lifestyle - if you're into stories about these things, this episode is for you. Ashley Weller from the What's Your Position podcast joins us to share her experiences with and perspectives on sex,
Check out Ashley's Instagram, @whatsyourpositionpodcast! And listen to the podcast!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
111 Build Your Relationship Toolkit with guest experts Dedeker, Emily & Jase of the Multiamory podcast
Relationships require so many different skills. Do you ever struggle to process an argument, or to identify what you really want and need?
Dedeker, Emily, and Jase, the hosts of the Multiamory podcast and authors of the book Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships, talk with us about relationship tools that work for ALL relationship structures.
This is a must-listen whether you are non-monogamous, monogamous, or just want to upgrade your communication skills for every area of your life!
Order their book at multiamory.com/book. (order your copy now!)
Subscribe to the multamory podcast in your favorite podcast player app.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
110 How surrogate partner therapy works with guest expert Brian Gibney
Struggling with intimacy but you've already tried *everything*? Not sure what could possibly help? Surrogate partner therapy is amazing and we want you to know more about it! Brian Gibney, a Surrogate Partner Therapist talks with us about how he and other SPTs help people build trust and communication that allows them to experience physical touch with safety and connection.
For more information about Surrogate Partner Therapy and Brian Gibney go to BrianGibney.org,
Resources mentioned in the episode:
https://www.surrogatepartnercollective.org/
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
109 We Opened Up & EEK! What to do when exciting beginnings turn scary
Did you jump into the open waters and find the water kinda choppy? Totally normal, we're sharing:
-How the scientific method can help you do this all with less pain (really!)
-Why you are struggling with managing change
-What do you need to consider about starter boundaries for opening
There are a lot of changes to navigate, but you don't have to figure it all out by yourself. We're outlining how we recommend navigating the change, strategically avoiding pitfalls by taking a tested approach, and, bottom line, how to open up without burning things down. Or, if you're already scorched around the edges, let's talk about how to handle that too.
Want to open up with support? email Joli @ JoliHamilton.com and find out how
Referenced:
108 What would you do with your full power? A conversation about kink, power exchange, and everyday life with Mollena Williams-Haas
What if you could get to know your power intimately, and so get to know your whole self? What if you could use your story to have the life, pleasure, and relationships you want? Check out our chat with the incomparable Mollena Williams-Haas, Kink Doula, writer, performer, and podcast host. Listen to her share some of her story of power exchange and authenticity with you.
Click here for the Kink Doula - Sign up for Mollena's mailing list - there's a free class available when you sign up.
Click here to listen to Mollena's podcast All That and Mo (you'll be glad you did)
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
107 Power dynamics for non-kinksters (part 2) How to share power when you were raised to be an entitled jerk & a martyr
Jung has this great quote “Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.” The shadow of love is power in Jung's estimation.
I look around the world and that sure seems true on a grand scale. And in our daily life, I think we *mean* to center love rather than power in our close relationships...but in reality, most of us struggle with power.
We struggle to accept that we want unnegotiated power (entitlement)
or
We struggle to accept that we want to experience a lack of power (martyrdom)
or
We struggle to accept that having power--even power we didn't ask for-- means having great responsibility (cue the Spiderman theme song)
But we aren't taught how to share power with our partners. How to be real about the shadow element that is ruling so much of our love life.
This isn't an episode about the grand scale- we are talking about how we made a mess of our loving home by ignoring the power dynamics at work under the surface and WHAT we each did to reverse the problem.
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
106 The conversation that will change your life: Power dynamics for non-kinksters
It's no secret that we started our relationship in a bad place.
Together, we worked and learned our way from a painful, confused state to a conscious, growth-oriented, and gentle love.
We transformed that messy, painful relationship by taking a page (several thousand pages, actually) from the world of kink.
Kinksters regularly talk about power exchange--we think everyone should.
Every single day Joli hears from people who don't recognize that unnegotiated power dynamics are creating suffering in their most cherished relationships.
Want an unconventionally happy life? You've got to start dealing with the power dynamics in your relationships.
In this episode, we're talking about how we:
- make power visible in our daily life
- unpack old icky-but-comfortable manipulative habits
- practice reading each other's minds (you can too!)
- make (& keep) thoughtful, creative agreements rather than rely on social norms for security
Referenced in the episode:
Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington & Mollena Williams (if you love that, check out Mollena's podcast All That and Mo')
Thinking about opening your relationship? Joli has a free salon happening soon to get you started with the 5 pillars you NEED to do it well.
105 Shadow work: What if your monsters were trying to help you live the life you always wanted?
If your monsters could help you live more of the life you want to live, would you get to know them, and invite them in? What about sharing them with a trusted partner in a thoughtful, conscious process?
Ken did, and it made him cry, right here in the podcast - tears of relief for the possibility of realizing potential. We're talking about letting in our darker parts, and how much our lives can expand when we do.
Do your monsters sometimes stage a take-over, hurting you and others? It happens, and it means that it is time to get conscious and practical about shadow work.
Want to take this further? Joli's Sexual Shadow Masterclass is a great next step.
We mentioned a couple of songs in this episode, here are the links for Spotiify:
The Avett Brothers - The Perfect Space
Suzanne Vega - Don't Uncork What You Can't Contain
104 Help! What can I do with all my feelings when my partner is on a date?
Having a plan for when your partner goes on a date makes it way more likely that you will both have a positive relationship experience, no matter how the date itself goes.
What goes into our plans? We've got three categories and lots of examples of things that help us and have proven to help Joli's clients handle the big emotions of date nights, so dig in!
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Looking for the Neuro-Somatic Intelligence tools we talk about all the time? We've made a FREE video training just for our listeners- find it here
103 How to successfully ask your partner to explore non-monogamy
Bringing up non-monogamy can be a shock to your partner's system. But if you never bring it up, you'll never even know what's possible for you.
Here's how you can plan for success and make this potentially shocking conversation an opportunity to upgrade your relational skills.
Resources from this episode:
The conversation guide: www.jolihamilton.com/easy
Our video with tools for nervous system regulation: Neuro-Somatic Intelligence ™ for Navigating Change
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
102 How to find, create, and enjoy non-monogamous community with guest expert Libby Sinback
Libby Sinback, from Making Polyamory Work joins Joli for a conversation about one of the BEST parts of shifting from monogamy to non-monogamy: community that supports your authentic self.
More connection is why so many of us practice non-monogamy, but it's not always clear how to actually make the community we long for. Listen as we provide both inspiration and practical advice on how to find, create, and enjoy non-monogamous community!
Learn more about Libby at https://libbysinback.com/
Hear more from Libby on Making Polyamory Work Podcast
Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com
Resources and communities mentioned in the episode:
The Year of Opening Group with Joli
Relational Non-monogamy Circles with Libby
Normalizing Non-monogamy Community