Solo Parent Podcast

Welcome to part one of a series on dating as a solo parent! It’s easy to look outside of ourselves to find someone to love.  Swiping right or updating our profile with good-looking selfies is an exercise in creating the future we think will make us happy.  But what happens when we take a look in the mirror and see what IS? Who are we?  What do we want?  What is best for our kids?  Tune in for some tips on phase one of  getting back into the dating pool as solo-by-choice, divorced, or widowed parents.

In this episode, I talk about…

[2:17] Identity as a solo parent

[4:22] Getting to know yourself before dating

[5:11] Taking yourself on dates

[5:52] Falling in love with your life

Getting to know who you are as an individual is one of the best parts of being a solo, divorced, or widowed person.  It doesn’t happen overnight, but it’s worth it.

Got stress? Feeling alone? We got you.  Tune in and get ready to sing with survivors, Joly Herman, Christopher Stibbs, and Munchie Herman in this bonus episode.

I don’t know how often you get out to sing karaoke anymore, but if you’re game, we’re game. I have Christopher Stibbs, a professional who works in a domestic violence shelter (and my guest from episode 17), and Munchie Herman, our in-house therapy dog and amazing vocalist, singing with me on this track.

If you do anything today, find a quiet spot and put in your earbuds - maybe not too loud - and sing along with us, karaoke style.  It feels good!

[0:54] Karaoke: I Will Survive (Gloria Gaynor, 1978)

We’re rooting you on all the way, Solo Nation, everything you might be going through. You are a victor, not a victim. And remember-- we might be solo, but we are not alone.

Connect with Christopher:

Sometimes, the relationship a parent is in becomes unbearable. But what qualifies as abuse? And how do you get your kids out of a dangerous situation? 

Today, we are going to talk about getting safe, staying safe, and recovering from an abusive situation with the help of our guest, Christopher Stibbs, Director of Philanthropic Engagement at Newhouse Domestic Violence Shelter in Kansas City, MO. Before he was in this fundraising role, Christopher was an advocate at Newhouse. He answered hotline calls and helped individuals and families out of crisis situations and into a safe place.

In this episode, we discuss…

[2:03] How Christopher started working in a domestic violence shelter

[4:35] What it looks like when someone arrives at a domestic violence shelter

[6:12] How children are cared for at the shelter

[8:29] A day in the life at a domestic violence shelter

[11:22] Recovering from the trauma of abuse

[12:51] Moving out of the shelter

[15:36] How abusive situations in childhood can impact adult relationships

[16:13] What qualifies as abuse

[19:35] Everyone is worthy of help

[20:32] Statistics on relational violence

[22:46] Helping our kids to avoid abusive relationships

[26:46] Domestic violence and the legal system

[28:21] The cycle of abuse

[29:56] Support for children who have experienced abuse

[32:08] A success story 

[35:12] Christopher’s book project

Families who need to heal can find help in their communities. The more you know about issues like domestic violence, the better prepared you will be to teach your children about staying safe.

Connect with Christopher:

Today I’m going to talk about pets in solo-by-choice, divorced, widowed, and blended family homes.  These are pets in homes where stability is desperately needed, and where friendship and companionship are most welcome.  Today is all about the animals who make our homes feel like home.  Today I have, in studio with me, the little rock in our world who has been there through thick and thin - the one who gives us comfort when we’re sad - the one and only, Munchie Herman.

In this episode, we talk about…

[1:04] Joly’s search for a pet after becoming a single parent

[3:45] Why having a pet is important to the divorced, widowed, solo-by-choice, or blended family

Pets are therapeutic for the whole family - especially the non-traditional family!

Are you looking for a solo mom icon?  Someone who flies to Puerto Rico to film the show she and her writing partner created?  Who is a go-to for studios who want hit TV shows? A podcast host? And who’s rocking this with her young daughter by her side? In this episode, we have the pleasure of speaking with legendary TV writer Sarah Fain.  Sarah chose to be a solo mom, and she’s all that. Today we’re chatting about how this role model thinks, and how her daughter has transformed her life.

In this episode, we talk about…

[5:26] Working as a solo parent in a field that requires travel

[6:59] The bond between a solo parent and a child

[9:16] Traveling with a child as a solo parent

[11:04] The decision to become a solo parent by choice

[14:54] Conversations with others about having a non-traditional family

[17:13] Sarah’s industry and its impact on solo parenthood

[19:09] Solo parent role models

[22:38] How Sarah’s experience as a solo parent has influenced her writing and her work

[30:37] Sarah’s tips and tricks that make solo parenting easier for her

Solo parents can achieve whatever they put their minds to.  Take inspiration from icons like Sarah Fain -- and go big!

CONNECT WITH SARAH:

Step-parents run into all kinds of situations at home.  Just because you’ve married into a new family, does not mean you get to be the enforcer.  This episode can help you get a handle on keeping the peace, without getting over your head.  I’m sharing tips on creating structure and setting boundaries in a new blended family.

In this episode, we talk about…

[1:29] Seeing the world through the child’s eyes

[2:11] Setting firm but gentle boundaries in the home

[3:08] Who should dole out consequences

[4:04] Relating to the child

[5:54] Kids need consistent adults

Being a step-parent is not easy.  If you learn tools to keep the peace at home, however, it will pay off as time goes on.

We’re all human, but starting a blended family sometimes asks us to be superhuman.  Parenting in a blended family is a different animal all together: new rules, new dynamic, new houses, new kids!  How can a person not make mistakes?

Step parents make mistakes, and we all make mistakes.  We are figuring this out as we go.  There is no one right way to do things, but I think there are things that we can avoid doing that can make our lives, and our kids’ lives, better.  In this episode, I’m going to look at often-asked questions about having a healthy blended family relationship without breaking the family balance you’re working so hard to build.

In this episode, we talk about…

[1:48] Not badmouthing the other parent

[3:05] Navigating silent expectations and creating house rules

[5:20] Building trust and cultivating a parenting relationship

[6:35] Not being jealous of your partner’s need to spend time with their kids

Being a step parent isn’t easy, and we shouldn’t expect it to be.  We can, however, take the time to observe, settle in, and let the kids suss us out while establishing boundaries so everyone feels safe.

Being a responsible adult is hard enough.  Being responsible for the upbringing of kids and young people is sometimes so challenging we lose ourselves a little bit.  We give so much in service of our kids that we forget the kid in us - the one who noticed the shape of the clouds, or who listened intently to the sound of crickets at night.  We lose perspective as humans, as adults, and as parents who are parenting in divorced, widowed, blended and solo-by-choice families.  It is so important to take an opportunity to breathe and reconnect with our creative spirit every once in a while.

Today, we are joined by writer and teacher, Janine De Tillio Cammarata.  Janine is an award-winning author of seven books for kids and adults.  She conducts writing and journaling workshops to help people “become aware of their fears, blocks, life purpose, anger, emotions, and ability to heal themselves.”  I can’t think of a better person to help guide our solo parent community into a safe, creative practice that can help us to get in touch with our voices, our experiences, and our lives.

In this episode, we talk about…

[1:37] What journaling looks like in practice and why it is important for solo parents

[5:55] Starting a journaling routine

[7:43] Being honest when journaling

[9:25] Organizing and indexing a journal

[16:35] Reflecting on your voice vs. writing to others

[20:11] Beginning a journal entry

[24:57] Journaling as a coping strategy for grief

Journaling can help solo parents get grounded, creative, and in touch with ourselves.

CONNECT WITH JANINE:

The solo parent’s bond with a child can be incredibly strong-- for many reasons. Maybe the child spent more time with one parent, or there’s a loss due to the death of a parent that has created a crucial connection. So, what happens when that child grows up and leaves the nest? Does a solo parent’s empty nest syndrome hurt more? 

I received a message from a solo mom whose daughter is going off to college. She spoke about the feeling of loss in a way that hit me hard. I’m not there yet-- my kid is in middle school-- but her daughter is leaving the nest. “I feel like I’m losing my right arm,” she said. I’m going to address this type of grief in this episode and look at how we cope with different levels of grief in a few episodes here, because people in our tent of divorced, widowed, blended and solo-by-choice families deal with grief with a frequency and intensity that parents in traditional families don’t necessarily have to.

In this episode, we talk about…

[0:43] The solo parent’s relationship with grief

[2:38] Becoming aware that you are experiencing feelings of loss, and taking time for self care

[4:58] Being proactive

[5:41] Getting enough exercise

[6:49] Taking it one day at a time

Whether saying goodbye for a few days, a month away, or for a semester at school, when a kid leaves a solo parents’ home, it’s a meaningful event. You don’t need to combat the feelings. But easing into acceptance of the situation will help you spread your wings, Solo Nation, while your kids are spreading theirs.

I thought I’d talk about an elephant in the room today: money.  I know a lot of people who wrestle with their relationship with money and I’m totally sympathetic to that, but like anything, the more you focus on a thing the better you get to know it - and knowing what to do about your money is never a bad thing.

I’m going to talk about taking simple steps to make sure that your money is where it needs to be directly after separation or divorce.  I’m not a certified financial professional.  I’m just a person who has been through it, and I needed this advice when I was going through separation and divorce.  I had so much going on, I couldn’t think straight.  So consider this, Money 101.

In this episode, we talk about…

[1:13] The first steps to separate your finances from your ex’s finances

[2:13] Empowering yourself financially by creating a budget

[3:02] Getting your bank statements and documents in order

[3:34] Building your financial team

[4:40] Making sure you get the child support that you deserve

I’m interested in healing myself so that I can become a better parent. When I read an article about gaslighting in Psychology Today, I knew I wanted to do an episode about healing from a manipulative relationship. I reached out to the author of the article, and today we are joined by Dr. Stephanie Sarkis.

Dr. Sarkis is a psychotherapist specializing in anxiety, gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, and ADHD. She is the author of several books, including the bestselling ‘Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People -- and Break Free’.  She is a nationally certified counselor, a licensed mental health counselor, an American Mental Health Counselors Association diplomat, and a Florida Supreme Court certified family and circuit mediator.  She has been in private practice for 20 years and is a senior contributor for Forbes, a contributor to Psychology Today, and the host of the Talking Brains podcast.

In this episode, we talk about…

[2:27] What the term “gaslighting” means

[4:17] Emotional manipulation aimed at your parenting

[5:29] The conditions under which gaslighting occurs

[9:31] Targets of gaslighting

[11:42] How to protect yourself when co-parenting with a manipulative ex

[18:26] Coping with gaslighting

[22:06] How to communicate with people that have manipulative tendencies

[23:41] Making sure our kids are safe in the care of a co-parent

[27:15] Recovering from gaslighting

[29:56] Red flags in the dating world

Connect with Dr. Stephanie Sarkis

Website: www.stephaniesarkis.com

Today, two worlds collide.  In my day job I work as a reviewer for Common Sense Media, an organization that helps families make decisions about their kids’ media choices. Knowing that I am an advocate for families, my editor tends to assign books to me that focus on kids going through family stuff.  

Kids can benefit from seeing parts of their lives reflected in the books they read.  It helps them to feel like their experiences are normal.  I want to share some book suggestions with you, and you can find the links in the show notes.  These are books I have read to or with my kid to help open her horizons and to see that families can look different and that kids have a place in them, no matter what.

In this episode, we talk about…

[1:21] Weekends with Max and His Dad by Linda Urban

Raising kids is one thing. Raising a kid to become an adult is another. On this episode of The Solo Parent Podcast, we’re getting some wisdom from Kevin Hellon, Jr., Founder and CEO of Life Skills Preparatory (https://lifeskillsprep.com/), online courses to help young adults learn the lessons they need to learn in order to thrive in the world. Kevin wears other hats too: he is Founder and CEO of The Hellon Corp, and Offstream Entertainment in L.A.

Kevin knows what he’s talking about. He’s raised a son who works with him at Offstream Entertainment, and he is a devoted dad to a smart preteen girl. He also homeschooled his son, while he was working full time, encouraging his son to pursue the natural skills and interests he noticed in him. It worked.

Kevin was an integral part in the founding and development of Solo Parent Magazine, and he was raised by a Solo Dad himself. He’s been in law enforcement, he’s developed major websites, owned several successful businesses, and has counseled many business owners as they work towards realizing their dreams. 

In this episode, Kevin and I talk about the importance of raising kids who can be themselves in the world.

In this episode, we talk about…

[3:39] Kevin’s inspiration behind Life Skills Preparatory

[6:18] The decision to homeschool

[10:12] Teaching your kids how to “adult”

[12:36] How Kevin learned to start a business

[14:36] Kevin’s advice to parents of young adults to help their kids become more independent

[19:37] Embracing your children’s interests

[28:05] The recommended age range for Life Skills Preparatory

Today I’m discussing how to answer the question that a lot of families roll around in their minds: Are divorced parents still a family?

No one goes into a marriage thinking about divorce. According to the American Psychological Association, almost 90% of people in Western cultures get married. 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. Even though it is common, divorce is one of the most stressful life events. No wonder there is so much confusion about whether a divorced family is still a family.

In this episode, we talk about…

[1:31] Confusion and stressors related to divorce

[2:00] What we consider family

[2:36] Thinking of generational goals

This single mom works hard to run three successful restaurants and everybody loves her - especially her daughter!  How does she do it?

In this episode, we are visited by the Martha Stewart of the Midwest, Jo Marie Scaglia, whose fast-fresh concept makes Kansas City a better place. Some people call her the “Salad Lady,” because her two locations of  The Mixx and their sister restaurant, Caffetteria, focus on fresh, healthy foods. She’s crazy inventive, and she’s really good at what she does. She’s also a solo mom to a super smart, totally adorbs daughter. Jo Marie talks about how she makes it all work.

In this episode, we talk about…

[1:19] Jo Marie’s background and how she started her business

[4:03] Solo parenting as an entrepreneur

[8:27] Leading by example and being a good role model

[10:15] Involving your parents as a solo parent

[11:30] Handling things that don’t go as planned

[14:27] Finding support and caregivers outside the family

[19:13] Family meals for solo parents

[23:30] Spending quality time with your children

DON’T DO THIS AT HOME! LESSONS FROM SOLO PARENTS AND EXPERTS ABOUT WHAT TO DO— AND WHAT NOT TO DO— WHEN YOU ARE A DIVORCED PARENT.

Hello Solo Nation! Today we have a super special treat for you, so put in your earbuds and get ready to rock it. Today we’re going to get some real answers about self care. What is self care, you ask? That elusive concept that nobody’s got time for? Because I got to get my kids ready for school, get myself ready for work, get my deadlines met, make all the meals, clean up all the messes, and be the emotional sounding board for my kids too. Who has time for me?

You do.   And you must. 

Today, Dr. Stephanie Moulton Sarkis is with us. She is a psychotherapist specializing in anxiety, gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, and ADHD. She is the author of several books, including the best-selling Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People - and Break Free.  She is a National Certified Counselor, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, an American Mental Health Counselors Association Diplomate, and a Florida Supreme Court Certified Family and Circuit Mediator.  She’s been in private practice for 20 years.  She’s a senior contributor for Forbes, and is also a contributor to Psychology Today.  She’s the host of the Talking Brains podcast, and she’s based in Tampa, Florida.  You can find her website at www.stephaniesarkis.com.

In this episode, we talk about…

[1:57] Why solo parents should prioritize self-care

[3:48] Reactive stress

[5:26] Relaxation techniques

[9:21] Dealing with grief

[12:33] Techniques to help when you have a child going through stress

[17:02] Getting into the swing of a custody arrangement

[21:13] How to maintain self-care when your kids are taking out their anxiety and grief on us

[27:24] Finding joy in difficult moments

 Solo dads, we got you! Here’s living proof that solo dads are amazing. Today on the Solo Parent Podcast, we’re talking with Kevin Hellon Jr., founder and CEO of The Hellon Corp, Offstream Entertainment, and Life Skills Preparatory.

Kevin has raised a son whom he home-schooled and who works with him at Offstream Entertainment, and he is an amazing dad to a sparkling preteen girl. He was an integral part in the founding and development of Solo Parent Magazine, and he was raised by a solo dad himself. He’s been in law enforcement, developed major websites, owned several successful businesses, and counseled many business owners as they work toward realizing their dreams. 

In this episode, Kevin speaks directly to the single, divorced, widowed, or military dads out there who are raising incredibly resilient kids.

In this episode, we talk about…

[2:02] Solo dads as role models for their children

[6:25] Finding balance as a solo parent

[9:53] What Kevin would do differently if he could do it over again

[13:18] Having a plan for raising children

[15:54] How technology has changed parenting

[18:24] Discipline and consequences

[22:11] Talking with children about what they see in the media

[26:28] Dating and relationships as a solo dad

Welcome to the Solo Parent Podcast! Have you noticed that the big parenting books and websites focus on parenting for the two-person, traditional household? Well, we think you deserve more, Solo Nation. Because there are a lot-- as in more than 23%-- of children under the age of 18 who live with a single parent in the United States. And that’s not counting the 15% of  families who have remarried-- or the young adults over 18 who are still our kids. Basically, non-traditional families are the new norm. So let’s talk about how to do this thing. We want the best for our kids and our families. Let’s laugh, maybe cry, and then laugh again... through tears... at this thing called parenting kids in a non-traditional family.