For Such a Time as This

A Rule of Life is an “intentional conscious plan to keep God at the center of everything we do.” (Scazzero)  It is an important tool for growing in spiritual and emotional health.  The word "rule" comes from the greek word for trellis - the rule for your life is supposed to be something that supports you and helps you grow, not something constricting or defeating.  As such, it should be uniquely tailored to you.  We discuss what has worked and not worked for us for a rule of life in the past, and the four main pillars of a rule of life.  Pray about these pillars and how you can incorporate a rule in your life!

Pillars of a rule of life:

Prayer: Daily Office, Mass/Worship, Study, Silence...

Rest: Sabbath Rest, Play/Recreation...

Work/Activity: Ministries (unique to you!), physical exercise/taking care of the body...

Relationships: Emotional health, family, friendships...

Resources we mention:

"Love in practice is a harsh and dreadful thing compared to love in dreams." (The Brothers Karamozov by Dostoevsky)

Learning to love well in an emotionally healthy way is a big part of becoming an emotionally healthy adult.  Many of us are stuck "emotionally."  We may be an emotional infant, child, adolescent, adult, or have qualities of each of these emotional maturity levels.   It's important to be aware of where we are now, so that we can do the work of growing emotionally as God desires us to.  We need to grow from seeing the world and relationships as I-It, (we are the center of the universe, seeing the other person as an object for our own purposes) to I-Thou (we are each sacred and of equal dignity, therefore we see the other person as a unique "I" and we connect with them across our differences while still remaining our own "I.")   We took the quiz (linked below!) and we discuss what it looks like to be where we are emotionally, and how we can try to grow into the emotional adults God created us to be.  A big part of this is how we deal with conflict. Are we false peacemakers or do we see true peace?  Scazzero gives us practical ways to grow emotionally and resolve conflict in an emotionally healthy way:

1) Communication - learning to speak and listen in an emotionally healthy way

2) Stop Mind Reading!! Being willing to speak how we are feeling vulnerably.

3) Bill of Rights - what are our rules for relationships, how we will be respected by and respect the other person

4) Clarify Expectations - make them conscious, realistic, spoken, and agreed upon

5) Allergies and Triggers - be aware of the way past hurts come into our current relationships and be willing to share and heal (see our Episode in Season 1 - How Triggers Lead to Healing)

Resources we mention:

In this episode, we're talking about securing the rope that guides us through the blizzards of life with prayer and rest.  In our busy, hectic lives, it's hard to take a stop and take a breath.  What we've learned is that ultimately, it's about trust.  Do you trust God to take care of things long enough to take a break?  This goes for during our days, when we need to build in those times to come back to the spring of living waters, and during our week, when we need to follow the rhythm of work and rest that God designed us for by taking a Sabbath rest one day each week.  We talked about the components that Peter Scazzero thinks needs to be included in the "Daily Office," the times to stop and pray during the day, and the components of Sabbath Rest. 

Four Elements for the Daily Office:

1. Stopping 

2. Centering (Calling to mind the presence of God.)

3. Silence

4. Scripture

Four Principles of Biblical Sabbath:

1. Stop

2. Rest

3. Delight

4. Contemplate

Discussion Questions:

1. What is your anchor?  Are you putting your trust in a false, moving anchor, or do you have firm anchors in place?  

2. How can you incorporate prayer into your day, keeping in mind the four elements?

3. Is there room in your life for Sabbath Rest?  What activities that are not life-giving could you let go of to make more room?  

4. What needs to change to make your Sabbath more restful and life-giving?  Is it a "day of preparation for the Sabbath?"  Or saying no to certain activities?  

Resources we mention:

We all face limits and loss that we need to grieve.  Part of growing into an emotional adult is learning to grieve biblically and embrace our limits.  Unfortunately, many of us were not given a good example of how to grieve as we grew up.  We use defensive maneuvers to try to escape the pain, such as denial, minimizing, blaming others, blaming ourselves, rationalizing, intellectualizing, distracting, and becoming hostile.   Thankfully, the Bible gives us an example in grieving in the book of Job.  

The five phases of biblical grieving are:

1. Pay Attention

2. Wait in the confusing in-between

3. Embrace the gift of limits

4. Climb the ladder of humility

5. Let the Old birth the New, in God's time.

Resources we mention:

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In this episode, we continue our conversation on emotionally healthy spirituality with a very important topic: The Wall.  The wall is the emotional and spiritual block we all face.  It can be a time of doubt, dryness, or sadness.  It has been called desolation by St. Ignatius and the dark night of the soul by St. John of the Cross.   What's important to remember about the wall is that it is something we will all go through, as it is necessary for us to grow in our relationship with God and in our discipleship.   We can't control it, we can't pray our way out of it.  We must persevere in our faith, seeking to learn what God is trying to teach us, and let Him take us through it.  We trust that He will bring us through to the other side.  Do not be discouraged when you go through walls of your own.  It simply means that the Lord wants to grow in greater friendship with you - He is the potter, molding the hard clay of your heart to make it soft and pliable.  It can hurt, but He is always with you and always knows what is best for you.

Reflection Questions:

1.  Where do you feel like you are on the stages of faith?  (1:Life-changing awareness of God, 2:Discipleship/learning, 3:Active life, 4:Journey Inward, 5:Journey Outward, 6:Transformed in Love)

2.  Can you identify any "walls" that you have gone through in your life?  How did God bring you through them?  What did you learn from them?

3.  How can you prepare for future walls?  (Such as journaling about past consolations, developing a good prayer routine/foundation, etc)

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Resources we mention: 

In this episode of our series on Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, we are talking about the importance of going back in order to go forward.  We all carry wounds and struggles from our childhood into adulthood.  Oftentimes, it comes from the dysfunction of our families of origin.  No matter how well-formed a family is, there are likely vows or beliefs that affect every member's ability to live a life of emotionally healthy spirituality.  We invite you to look back on your life, and invite God into the places that need healing.  We cannot change our past, but we can change the ways our past affects our present.  We encourage you to seek healing in these areas so that you are able to Go Forward on your journey to emotional health. 

Reflection Questions:

1. What keeps you from going back?  Invite God into those feelings, whether it be fear, shame, anger or sadness.  

2.  Do you believe that wounds can be passed down generationally?  Can you see any ways this has happened in your family?

3.  In which of the categories of the "10 Commandments of the Family" do you notice a rule/belief that you carry from you family of origin?

10 Commandments of the Family Categories:

Money, Conflict, Sex, Grief and Loss, Expressing Anger, Family, Relationships, Attitudes Toward Different Cultures, Success, Feeling and Emotions

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Resources we mention:

Self knowledge is so important that, even if you were raised right up to the heavens, I should like you never to relax your cultivation of it; so long as we are on this earth, nothing matters more to us than humility. (St. Teresa of Avila, Interior Castle)

In this episode, we continue our conversation about Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, with the topic of self-knowledge.  We talk about how our emotions can come to help us know ourselves more and in turn, know God.  When we pay attention to our emotions, we will be led to greater healing and better knowledge of our unique purpose and calling.  We hope our conversation encourages you to reflect on the ways you can better come to know yourself to know God.

Reflection questions:

1.  Are you living your own life?  How do you cling to the false self?  Is it by clinging to someone else's expectations, listening to the wrong voices, or living with a mask on, never showing your true self?

2.  What feelings have you been avoiding?  What are you afraid of?  How can feeling those feelings lead you to a better knowledge of God?

3.  What is a tip (below) you can incorporate to better come to know yourself?

Tips for coming to know yourself better:

1. Pay Attention to Your Interior in Silence and Solitude

2. Find a Trusted Companion

3. Move Out of Your Comfort Zone

4. Pray for Courage

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Resources we Mention:

Welcome to Season 2!

We are starting off this season with some conversations about emotionally healthy spirituality.  We feel this topic is incredibly important, and we are excited to share them with you!

In this episode, we talk about what emotionally healthy spirituality means to us, as well as the 10 symptoms of an emotionally unhealthy spirituality according to Peter Scazzero in his book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality: It's Impossible to Be Spiritually Mature While Remaining Emotionally Immature.

Reflection questions:

1.  What does it mean to be emotionally healthy?  How does that change the way I see my spiritual life?

2.  How has my family and church background impacted the way I think about/feel emotions?

3.  Which of the symptom(s) of emotionally unhealthy spirituality ring true for me?

4.  How do I feel God is calling me to grow emotionally so that I can deepen my spiritual life with Him?

The 10 symptoms of emotionally unhealthy spirituality are:

1. Using God to run from God

2. Ignoring anger, sadness, and fear

3. Dying to the wrong things

4. Denying the impact of the past on the present

5. Dividing life into "secular" and "sacred" compartments

6. Doing for God instead of being with God

7. Spiritualizing away conflict

8. Covering over brokenness, weakness, and failure

9. Living without limits

10. Judging other people's spiritual journey

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Resources We Mention:

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We are so excited to announce that we will be releasing Season 2 next week!  

Our first several episodes will be about living a life of emotionally healthy spirituality.  Our conversations will be guided by the book by that name by Peter Scazzero.  

Announcing our new website! 

In today's pandemic world, we are increasingly struggling with Decision Fatigue, the exhaustion we get when we have to make too many decisions.  We have school decisions, work decisions, shopping decisions, church decisions, and the list could go on and on.  Many of us are burnt out from all of these difficult decisions.  In this episode, we talked about how decision fatigue is affecting us, and how we've found some ways that are helping us get some routine back into our days to reclaim some of that lost energy.

Resources we mention:

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In this episode, we discussed a question many of us have asked when our friends and family are suffering, particularly in regards to mental health: how can I help?  

We start by discussing the importance of learning to ask for help ourselves, both for our own honesty and vulnerability in relationships and in order to create an environment where others feel safe to ask for help.  Then we give tips for how we can help those going through suffering and how to help our loved ones who don't seem to want help.   

Do the kind thing!

Resources we mention:

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In this episode, we are tackling the question of why we believe, as St. Peter called us to do: "Always be prepared to make a defense to any one who calls you to account for the hope that is in you, yet do it with gentleness and reverence." (1 Peter 3:15)

We talked about the ways we can come to know His existence through reason, and shared our personal faith experiences.  

Resource we mentioned:

We're continuing our conversation about dreams!
In this episode, we talk about how we personally discern whether our dreams are from God, the 12 categories of the Dream Inventory, and how doing a dream inventory can help us learn more about ourselves and enrich our lives. 

Resources we mention:

Ok, we're not talking about California, but in this episode we are discussing dreams!  This is a topic we've become passionate about over the last few months and we were so excited to talk about it, we decided we needed a two part episode. 

In Part 1, we talk about how dreaming is necessary to keep hoping, some obstacles that keep us from dreaming, and how God places dreams on our heart as our own unique way to bear fruit. 

Resources we mention: 

In this episode, we finish up our series on the tree of life, as we discuss the fruit that we are all called to bear in the Christian life.  This fruit naturally flows out of secure attachment to God and Christian maturity.  We discuss the obstacles to bearing fruit, such as when we try to do the things we aren't called to do and our own woundedness, and how important it is to discover the fruit we each are uniquely called to bear.  

Resources we mentioned: 

Continuing the discussion we started in our last episode, we shared our thoughts on what maturity looks like to us, from surrender and trust to wholeness and detachment. 

Resources we mentioned:

In this episode, we wanted to share with you the times in our lives when we felt that God wasn’t answering our prayers and the way He has restored those times and brought good out of them.  

*Please note, in this episode we talk about our experiences with depression, anxiety and miscarriage.  

Resources we mentioned: 

In this episode, we're talking about attunement and attachment: what it is in relation to our children, our spouse, and our God.