Kruse Corner Podcast

When are we allowed to finally say that we have healed? Or, are we meant to stay broken? For over 3 years I have talked about struggling, trauma, and failure. Recently I began to talk about the healing that has taken place during that time. What did I find? That people were upset that I would "pretend" or "fake" being okay. When we say we are allowed to reach out, get help, and heal, do we truly mean it?

For this episode I cover multiple books to add to the discussion of women in the military, the differences they face, and how competition seems to hinder our healing in the veteran community more than it helps. Learning different perspectives or discussing the various experiences we can have does not take away from anyone else's story, service, or cause. If we don't know what others face, how can we truly know how to help them heal?

If you would like to explore the titles and topics covered in this episode further, please check out these books:

"The Wounds Within: A Veteran, A PTSD Therapist, and a Nation Unprepared " by Mark Nickerson and Joshua Goldstein

"Fight Like a Girl" by Kate Germano

"Combat Vet Don't Mean Crazy" by Duane France

"Bottled Away" by Lani Hankins

Marine Corps Veteran and co-host of Cancelled for Maintenance Podcast, Six, returns to the show so that we can discuss deployments. Specifically, the transition from being home, to being overseas, and then being home again. We try to cover all angles regarding this topic, offering insight and perspective from the one deployed, as well as the one that stays behind. Deployments are hard on everyone and we hope this conversation will help people to reach out, gain some understanding, and encourage communication.

To hear more from the Cancelled for Maintenance Podcast, visit www.cancelledformaintenance.com or find them on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram @canxformaintenancepodcast.

This episode is based off information from Dr. Richard A. Heckler's "Waking Up, Alive." Lani discusses her most recent book recommendation and shares her experience with unhealed trauma and how it led to her descent into suicidal thinking, the suicidal trance, and how she moved on from the belief that life was not worth living. She will also discuss information about rebuilding the self and healing the past. Listener discretion is advised.

This episode covers the second half of the book, "The Wounds Within: A Veteran, A PTSD Therapist, and a Nation Unprepared" by Mark Nickerson and Joshua Goldstein. In this episode, I cover warning signs, risk factors, changes made by the VA and military, and stories about poor leadership and not taking someone's mental health seriously. 

September is Suicide Prevention Month. For this episode I talk about the book "The Wounds Within: A Veteran, A PTSD Therapist, And a Nation Unprepared" by Mark Nickerson and Joshua Goldstein. This episode covers PTSD, suicide, VA and military failures, the stigma held by our society, and why it is important that we police each other up (in person or on social media) when one of our own is attempting to attack or silence a veteran or service member in need.

I had not expected to release an episode this week, but with everything going on I just needed a place to process my thoughts and I chose to do that here. We all had different perspectives, opinions, and experiences involving the war in Afghanistan. It was a 20 year war that some feel should have never started or needed to have ended long ago. Others feel it was another Vietnam, destined to fail and carried out at too high of a price. Regardless of how you feel, chances are you or someone you know gave something or everything to this war. Many are asking themselves, "Was it worth it?" I certainly asked myself that same question 9 years ago while I sat in Afghanistan and another life had been lost. If you are a veteran struggling, please reach out to a local vet center, the veteran crisis line, or to a buddy.

The Valkyrie Veteran Convention "The Unseen Warrior" will be taking place September 25th, from 2 to 7 PM MST, at The Enlisted Association Chapter 1 in Colorado Springs. Event information and ticket links can be found by going to Vigilant Valkyrie's website: http://vigilantvalkyrie.org/

You will also be able to find sections to make donations, as well as a link to the Vigilant Valkyrie store where you can grab some awesome gear! Or, head straight to the store with the following link: https://vigilantvalkyrie.bigcartel.com/

If you need to reach out to Vigilant Valkyrie, contact them either on Facebook, Instagram, or by emailing them at vigilantvalkyrie@gmail.com.

Come out to this event. We would love to see you.

I reached a point after experiencing trauma where I could hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror. Mostly because that reflection forced me to see that I had changed. Dealing with and healing from trauma has been a long, difficult road. The first step towards reclaiming myself was taken when I was willing to acknowledge the post-traumatic stress, along with the impact trauma had taken on me.

Stories are powerful. They allow histories and traditions to be shared with future generations. They provide wisdom and insight. For some of us, stories were the way we learned to communicate and acknowledge deeply rooted pain and trauma. For myself, stories allowed me to break a silence that was slowly killing me. This episode covers what opening up about my past did and did not do for me. How it helped me out of a dark place and to find a path towards healing.

Transition is rough. That is something that many veterans can agree on. But what happens during our transition varies. This episode covers everything from my struggle to leave the military behind, the poor coping mechanisms I learned, mistakes made during transition, using training to survive, and why talking about these experiences can be important to someone thinking about suicide. Content for this episode can be found in "The Gaslit Heart: A Story of Service and Survival."

When Kruse Corner was still just a blog, there was a section that contained excerpts from a journal I had kept while deployed to Afghanistan. I had shared it with the intention of presenting another perspective of a combat zone. The Kruse Corner Podcast just had its 2-year anniversary and to recognize that, I have brought back one of the most requested and commented on sections of the original blog: The POG Diaries. Remember, it isn't always about who has the best story. Sometimes its simply about sharing different perspectives so we can connect. While this episode only contains roughly 10 percent of the original journal, the excerpts selected are meant to provide examples of how an individual changes, the dark sense of humor, death and loss, highs and lows, bonding, and disconnect that take place during and after a deployment. If you have a story you would like to share about your deployment, service, or transition, please reach out on Instagram to schedule a Zoom call.

This episode was not recorded to try to downplay anything people have gone through, especially in war. It isn't to make combat sound as though all can relate to every aspect of it. If you have the badass war story that you say you do, then you already know others cannot take that away by sharing their own experiences or by simply stating that they understand. I just want you to think; to take a moment and consider -- maybe we aren't so different. Maybe we can relate, more than we realize. 

Between the WWII vets that were near atomic bomb testing, the Vietnam and Gulf War veterans that were around chemicals, and Post 9/11-era veterans that were stationed near burn pits, millions of military personnel have been exposed to toxins that are causing them to suffer or die. These men and women do not have time for the VA's denials. They do not have time for politicians to play their games, or time for legislative efforts to be put on hold or overlooked. Changes are needed now. Care is needed now! 

The article by David Goldstein discussed in this episode was called "Nearly all VA claims for Gulf War Illness improperly denied" and it can be found at Thewarhorse.org. 

Everywhere you look on social media, you can find people talking about domestic violence, abuse, or sexual assault. There are entire pages and organizations dedicated to these topics. So, if so many are talking about it and sharing their experiences, why aren't changes being made? Why does it still feel like these issues aren't being addressed? When survivors speak, are people actually listening? If we truly have one another's six and nobody stands alone, why aren't we being louder? Why aren't we pushing for change? Why aren't we protecting the abused, sharing stories from the survivors, or holding people both in the ranks and outside the service accountable?

With June being PTSD Awareness Month, it only seemed right to kick-off season 3 sharing what I have learned about PTSD and PTS. This is a topic I have covered in past episodes, but based on feedback and reactions, it is clear that the stigma and misperceptions surrounding this trauma and stressor-related syndrome are still alive and strong.

It is always surprising to hear how many people don't know why we have Memorial Day. This episode is to explain what Memorial day is and what it means to others. For this episode, Lani will read a number of messages that were sent to her from other veterans, service members, and members of military families. These personal reflections speak of the honor and mourning that take place, not just on Memorial Day, but every day after we lose someone near and dear to our hearts that made the ultimate sacrifice. 

Due to avoiding negative stereotypes and feeling like being "one of the guys" was the safest way to belong in the military, women sometimes create barriers for each other during their time in service. I left the Army feeling bitter towards other women because of how I had been treated, but as a veteran, I was desperately seeking the company of those that had similar experiences to me, so I gave women veterans a second chance and was greatly surprised. My view of military spouses was also changed once I became a military spouse, and that helped me to grow, as well. This episode is a shout-out to all the amazing women veterans out there that helped me move on and heal old wounds and bitterness.

For this episode, Lani shares her personal story about dealing with prescription drug use. She describes what began to happen to her body after doctors continued to stack pill upon pill in her system for years and then one day, without warning, took them all away.

For this episode I am joined by, Alyssa, who served in the Army as a generator mechanic. Alyssa describes her time in Korea, the successes and challenges of fighting for benefits, her reaction to the Vanessa Guillen story, and how she reached the decision to not remain silent any longer. Stories like Alyssa's are crucial. If veterans do not communicate their struggles or experiences, how will anyone know where the changes need to be made and the support needs to be given? In her own words: "Don't let the top of the mountain be overwhelming to you... Just keep moving, you'll be there eventually, and you'll be looking down from the top of it." Remember, none of us were given an instruction manual to get through life or trauma, so every story shared is another page in all of our survival guides.

From overcoming sexual harassment and assault in the workplace, to having our achievements criticized or belittled, and constantly having to prove that we are better than those stereotypes and low expectations that follow us wherever we go; women are met with a number of challenges the moment they decide to join the military. And those challenges continue once we become veterans and, again, must prove that we deserve to be recognized, receive proper care, have our sacrifices counted, and are not simply here to be used, abused, or exploited for entertainment or pleasure. 

It took a fair amount of time for me to admit that I struggled with PTSD, but it took even longer to convince people that the pain and fear I felt was legitimate. As a woman, I was often treated as though I was being dramatic or lying; as a combat veteran, I didn't have the story people were looking for; and as a mother, I was ridiculed for "allowing" my trauma to occur in the first place.

For this episode I am joined by, Six, a Marine Corps Veteran and co-host for Cancelled for Maintenance Podcast. We sit down to talk about transitioning out of the military, the misperceptions and stereotypes about what a veteran looks and acts like, poor leadership, mental health, and how that "shut up" and "keep pushing" mentality the military teaches leads many to struggle and suffer in silence both in and out of the service. We cover a ton in this episode so make sure you stay until the very end. If you're interested in reaching out to Six, collaborating with his podcast, or listening to episodes by Cancelled for Maintenance Podcast, check them out on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram @canxformaintenancepodcast, or at Cancelled for Maintenance Podcast. You can also reach them via their website at www.cancelledformaintenance.com/.

When I returned from my deployment to Afghanistan, I struggled to find the same comforts and connections I had found while in a combat zone. Then once I returned to a civilian life, I struggled to find where I belonged. When I finally opened up about feeling lost and out of place to a friend, I was told "home is where your heart is." It was at that moment that I realized that I had no idea where that was.

Between leadership that could care less if an individual is suffering and veterans that only look to tear others down for the ways in which they choose to heal or help; no wonder so many choose silence over opening up. Add in the relentless and too often hateful world of social media and you have a perfect concoction for convincing someone they don't matter. We can do better. We must. People are speaking up, they're reaching out. But if we only hear them and we're not truly listening, are we really hearing them at all?

Is mental illness something you can see? Does a person's outer appearance speak for the pain inside? Some think so, however, others are too aware of the masks we place over invisible wounds.

Empathy. Something I didn't expect to find in the Army. Aside from making the deep emotional bonds I had possible, it helped me to truly understand the pain of those I served with. A gift and a curse, in so many ways.

Suicide. A word surrounded by stigma. An action that triggers a multitude of emotions. A daunting thought. Often an unpredictable end. It is a tough discussion to have, but a discussion that needs to take place, nonetheless. If we can't talk about it, how will anyone truly understand.

Warning: This episode may trigger some listeners as the host covers her experience with losing friends to suicide and discusses suicidal thinking.

Depression, anxiety, and a whole lot of pills. My struggle with finding care and managing the invisible war occurring inside my head.

*Disclaimer: The host is not a medical professional or engaged in rendering counseling or other professional services, and the views presented in this episode are not meant to be used in place of recommendation or diagnoses by professionals, nor are they intended to be used in place of therapy, offer medical advice, or give emergency assistance. 

Coming home from a deployment, leaving the military, transitioning back into a civilian life; each a challenge in itself. How do you find purpose when you're not sure of who you are, or where you fit in?

Listen in to hear the interview with Vigilant Valkyrie's founder, Smiles. Vigilant Valkyrie's mission is to connect and support female warriors of all branches. In this episode, we discuss tough lessons learned in the military, overcoming female stereotypes/stigmas, and Vigilant Valkyrie's future goals for continuing their support for sister vets everywhere. To contact Vigilant Valkyrie, look for them on Facebook and/or Instagram, or send an email to vigilantvalkyrie@gmail.com. Also, make sure to check out their awesome merchandise at https://vigilantvalkyrie.bigcartel.com/. 

Mark Czarnecki has returned to the Kruse Corner Podcast to talk about a cross-country motorcycle ride he will be completing  to help raise money for the Green Beret Foundation. Listen in to hear important details about this charity ride so that you can track Mark's progress as he rides from coast to coast, conducting challenges along the way. Follow Mark's journey on Instagram @caesar1911. If you would like to make a donation to the Green Beret Foundation to support their cause, please visit https://fundraise.greenberetfoundation.org and make sure to spread the word.

The disappearance of Vanessa Guillen from Fort Hood has gained national attention. Now, more than ever, it is crucial that we tell our stories. MST is a painful topic, but our stories can be what brings about the change that will keep our brothers and sisters that still wear the uniform--or those that wish to serve one day--safe from experiencing the pain and trauma too many of us know too well. We cannot stay silent about military sexual trauma any longer. DISCLAIMER: this episode covers military sexual trauma and may be difficult for some listeners. Please be aware that this could trigger or remind people of their own experiences with MST.

Army Veteran Jon Bradshaw joins me to talk about his Veteran Owned and Family Operated business, Household 5 Soap Company, which specializes in handmade vegan soaps and other body products. Jon and I discuss the struggles of reintegrating into a civilian life, connecting with other veterans, and dealing with stereotypes. Jon also describes what it was like to leave the military at 25 and still not be considered an "adult" by civilians. If you would like to contact Jon or check out his company, look for them on Facebook or Instagram @household5soaps, online at www.household5.com/, or in person on East State Blvd in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Army Veteran Lauren Feringa from Hippie and a Veteran joins me to talk about the struggles of being a woman and a mother with PTSD. Lauren talks about a number of alternative therapies that exist outside of the VA system such as Stellate Ganglion Block, cannabis, and psychedelics. We also discuss the difficulties that came from leaving the service and the unexpected grieving that followed the removal of the uniform. This is an amazing episode for learning more about PTSD, alternative therapy, and women veterans. If you would like to reach out to Lauren or learn more about what she is doing, check out Hippie and a Veteran on Facebook, @hippieandaveteran on Instagram, or her website at https://hippieandaveteran.com/.

Army Veteran, Robert Dabney Jr, joins me to talk about his Veteran-Owned organization VetPark. VetPark is on a mission to encourage healing through creativity, supporting the arts, building community, connecting veterans, and providing opportunities to those that are interested in alternative therapies. Robert and I also talk about PTSD, life after leaving the military, and the struggle of getting help when you want to either avoid or fight against being labeled. If you would like to contact Robert or learn more about VetPark, check them out and support them on Facebook (VetPark), Instagram (@Vetprk), or online at vetpark.myshopify.com.

Marine Veteran and founder of the I Got Your 6 Podcast, Brian Basho, joins me this episode to talk PTSD, inner demons, and military service. We also break down the ridiculous criticisms and unnecessary competition that takes place when people attempt to open up about struggle and trauma. From finding your tribe (community) and ignoring the person trying to compare war stories or traumatic experiences, to using things like art and writing to heal, this is an episode you won’t want to miss. Make sure to check out what Brian has going on with his podcast by visiting his Instagram page @igy6podcast.

In this episode I am joined by Air Force Veteran, Ron Millward, who is also the founder of the nonprofit organization, Balanced Veterans. How do you find balance? Listen in to find out how faith, the VA, and cannabis all played a part in this veteran’s story to discover who he is underneath the trauma and outside the military. Ron's story is one that many veterans can relate to and many more can benefit from hearing. Check out what he and his organization are up to on Facebook and Instagram @balancedveterans or at linktr.ee/balancedveterans.

Custom guns, cerakote application, public and private classes! What more could you want? Maybe a .50 Cal Pirate Pistol? Listen in to hear my conversation with Army Veteran Mark Czarnecki from The Rock Guns. We talk business, transitioning out of the Army, and a custom Deadpool gun. If you can dream it, they can build it. Check these guys out at www.therockguns.com or on Instagram @therockguns.

There is a side to the military that is rarely talked about, along with the actions of service members that are too often swept under the rug. In this episode, I am joined by Army Veteran, Rebecca VanReenen. Rebecca served as a paralegal and her experience in JAG offers insight into the darker sides of the military. We talk about finding your place inside of the military when everything is used against you, how motivation fades after trauma occurs, and the impact of toxic leadership. If you would like to reach out to Rebecca, you can find her on Instagram @ms.bomb_blondeshell.

Army Veteran and founder of Plants 4 Vets sits down to talk about her experience in the Army. We cover everything from being a woman in the armed forces, the difficulties with building camaraderie within units, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), military sexual trauma (MST), and domestic violence, as well as what it took to finally reach out for help and acknowledge the trauma that had taken place. CONTENT WARNING: this episode covers topics that may be difficult for some listeners to hear. If you would like to learn more about this episode's guest, visit @plants4vets_ on Instagram.

Dustan, a Navy Veteran and the owner of Liberty Bell Customs, joins Lani to discuss his business, leaving the military, and how he uses "sawdust therapy" to help other veterans. Listen to find out more about Liberty Bell Customs, Freedom Flag Builds, the FurMissile Fundraiser to get K-9 dogs vested, and the COVID-19 Distraction Giveaway. You can see more from Liberty Bell Customs on Facebook, Instagram (@libertybellconcealed) or online at www.libertybellcustoms.com.

Kruse Corner welcomes back Army Veteran and owner/founder of 4 Best LLC, Gilberto "Chuco" Zavala, for a Q&A session to give listeners the opportunity to interact with the podcast. If you have questions for our guests, we'll get the answers. This episode also covers the COVID-19 Distraction Giveaway being put on by 4 Best LLC. Listen to hear how you can win gifts from 5 separate Veteran Owned businesses. 

In this episode, Lani sits down with Army Veteran, Shawn Moulenbelt, owner and founder of 51 Bravo Custom Knives. From working construction to creating custom knives, Shawn describes his transition from the military back to being a civilian and how he found himself creating custom knives and appearing on the television competition series, Forged in Fire. Shawn and Lani discuss working through anxiety, staying out of your head while in quarantine, fitting in with civilians, and veteran entrepreneurship. The episode also contains details for the COVID-19 Giveaway currently taking place on Instagram. If you would like to see what Shawn is up to, check out @51bravo on Instagram and Facebook, or visit his website at www.51bravo.com.