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Gotta Grow Up Sometime!

Gotta Grow Up Sometime!

By Libbie Grant
Nathan and Libbie re-cap every episode of "Swans Crossing", a 1992 soap opera made for pre-teen children.
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51 - A Dog Named Boner
Garret has been lurking in cabanas again. Saja is hip to the fractal structure of the universe. Callie creeps around lookin’ for the hot rocks. Barek says the word “boner”. Neil and JT lose their funding. Sydney and Garrett pull an Actual Cyrano. Plus: an astonishing tale from Nathan’s childhood.
August 06, 2022
50 - Jimmy Misreads the Moment
Mila is SO pink in this one. Neil is very happy about his candy bar. Jimmy lets Callie have it. Saja is a ninja again. Sydney plagiarizes some poetry and cries. We compare and contrast Garrett vs. Billy Gunn, then speculate on Garrett’s bedroom decor. Take a middle-aged walk with us down Memory Lane re: old-ass computers of the 90s. Plus: who is the mysterious Chandler?
July 30, 2022
49 - The Horse’s Junk is Where the Sound Goes In
Is Billy Gunn just… gone? We’re relieved. Mila tries to discover the identity of her secret admirer. Nancy talks into a horse’s nether region. Neil and JT commandeer hospital equipment. Owen eats all of Mila’s candy. Sandy is disheveled. Sydney is a drag. Charade!
July 23, 2022
48 - A Brigadoon Scenario
JT can’t be bothered with chairs. Sydney gets creeped on and creeped out by Billy Gunn. Nathan draws the line at mind-meld pagers. Mila gets dumped by Billy and doesn’t realize how lucky she is. Buckyball is a verb now. Garrett is entirely too pleased with his line. Plus: hot sauce.
July 16, 2022
47 - The One We've All Been Waiting For
Neil’s in a coma and we full-on scream about it. Nathan solves the mystery of the hospital set. We’re haunted by the continuing saga of Sydney hiding a horse in Nancy’s bedroom. JT and Glory KISS!!!!! IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!!! Are those hot rocks in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
July 09, 2022
46 - The Satan Thing
Mondays are for exposition! JT pulls Neil from a wreckage of pink foam insulation and their ruined ambitions. Nancy wears her mourning blazer. Deprived of Mila, Billy Gunn immediately turns his predatory attentions on Sydney… and then Sandy, moments later. Sandy’s hair gets a fluffing. Jazz has some kind of fantasy; the details are unclear.
July 02, 2022
45 - Fission of the Buckyballs
Garrett has a meeting. Billy Gunn makes some highly inappropriate comments. So does Barek! Neil is having a crisis. Callie and Jimmy call a truce. There’s a full-scale riot at Swan’s Soda Shop. Sydney’s hair is still enormous. Mila, a.k.a. Desirae Passion of Cruel Swans “fame,” immediately blows her disguise and gets grounded for life. An explosion rocks Swans Crossing; Neil is trapped under falling styrofoam.
June 25, 2022
44 - You Suckered That Grownie
We regret to inform you that Billy Gunn has arrived in Swans Crossing. Glory’s home safe, but tensions are running high: everyone’s getting sucker-punched straight in the face. Sydney’s hair is SO huge. Callie gets a New Wave glow-up. Nathan absolutely LOSES IT, and later, Libbie teaches him all about butt rock.
June 18, 2022
43 - A Jane Eyre Situation
Guys, I don’t know what happened. A glitch in the matrix caused this episode to come out a whole week late. Sorry! In this belated episode: Smooth jazz. Spooky statues. Glory is rescued! Jimmy and Callie have a helmeted showdown. JT and Garrett bury the hatchet for like 15 seconds. Also: a deep dive on that haunting Bounty commercial.
June 11, 2022
42 - Gotta Clean Up Sometime
Turns out a snake pit is a surprisingly dull place to be. JT moons. Neil suffers crushing remorse. Garrett acts like he murdered Glory, which isn’t helping anything. Sydney and Mila plot to try on outfits. Jimmy indulges his fantasies. Sorry about the plane buzzing around in the background. Oh, the iniquity!
May 28, 2022
41 - Cut to the Snake Pit
Happy Season 5, Swannies! We break down the logistics of Glory’s abduction and briefly turn into a true crime podcast. The gang start to realize that Glory is missing. Neil and JT eat gross sandwiches and touch radioactive material. Callie will not be fobbed. Barek’s cotton ball stash is discovered. Holy shit, there’s a snake pit under Swans Crossing! Also, it’s double burger day!
May 21, 2022
40 - A Machete Chopping Pancakes
Sydney’s scheme has become a full-time job. Billy Gunn has a most unusual set of demands. Sandy’s doing laundry. Callie and Jimmy rumble at the Tool n Die. Barek abandons a sandwich. We are haunted by that one Bounty commercial. It's the end of Season 4 but we'll be back on May 21. Purple turtle super slinky.
April 16, 2022
39 - Reverse Cyrano
It’s finally the next day. Cotton balls are EVERYWHERE. Sydney and Mila refine the plan for that whole uncomfortable Billy Gunn thing. Callie has a Glory Day. Garrett is trapped in a cabana but he kind of deserves it. Saja kicks a box and we can’t stop thinking about it. Happy one-year anniversary to the most mediocre podcast ever! (This one. It’s us.)
April 09, 2022
38 - Only You Could Hide a Horse
Saja relives his Keystone Cops moment. Neil is a food sherpa. Glory is menaced repeatedly in her sleep. Garrett lists things, as is his habit. JT reads a poem, and it’s… uh… interesting. Nathan inadvertently predicts a plot twist and Libbie details the ins and outs of corn-holing while stoned.
April 02, 2022
37 - Lugubrious Casio
It’s 1 a.m. and there is entirely too much going on in this town, considering the hour. In full ninja regalia, Saja checks out a jogger’s butt. Glory and Callie have become BFFs. Jimmy is still at the Tool n Die, probably for creepy reasons. Sydney gets stuck in an elevator, then she gets stuck in Mila’s plan to date Billy Gunn on the down-low. Owen: still striking out with Mila.
March 26, 2022
36 - Pump the Bilge
Garrett and Sydney have spent an entire hour staring at each other across the pool. Billy Gunn amps up the creep factor to astonishing new levels. Callie makes arrangements for extended landlubbery because apparently Swans Crossing is not, in fact, the only place left. Mr. Han has been running a clandestine drug ring out of the library and we are ON TO HIM. Busted!
March 19, 2022
35 - Much Ado About Nudibranchs
Welcome to the Nudibranquet. The Countess really goes all out in her attempt to seduce Captain Walker: Ritz crackers with CheezWiz, synchronized swimmers, Dolores the Nudibranch Girl, inexplicable ping-pong balls, an original aria composed for the occasion… it’s an evening no one in Swans Crossing will soon forget.
March 12, 2022
34 - Reveling By Proxy
Sydney is dressed down and is going through some shit. The Countess outsources her seduction of Captain Walker to the local youth. Barek bilocates. Mila is torn between Garrett and Billy Gunn. Owen sleeps in his studio. Callie kicks Jimmy where it counts. Nancy commits gossip fraud. We are here for Sassy Sandy Swan. There's a lot going on in this one; strap in.
March 05, 2022
33 - It's Fine; Fruit Does That
To no one’s surprise, Sydney violates Sandy’s basic human rights. Jimmy and Callie decide to Do It, but not in the way you’re thinking. Garrett further enmeshes Sandy in his intricate scheme to ruin Sydney’s life. Mila rehearses her impending victimization at Billy Gunn’s hands. Hope you guys like bird sounds, cause you’re getting a lot of them today.
February 26, 2022
32 - An Infestation of Baldies
Billy Gunn is the Matt Gaetz of Swans Crossing. We solve the mystery of Jimmy’s lone T-shirt. JT and Neil attempt to build a missile silo. Barek is fully cognizant of his own creepiness. Sandy senses her advantage over Sydney. We ponder the metaphysical nature of the Baldies. Ralph and Mr. Han have the greatest scene of all time.
February 19, 2022
31 - Calling and Banging
It’s Season 4, Swannies! Sandy dyes her hair the color of a school bus. Garrett test drives a new catch phrase. Billy Gunn’s in town, and he’s most definitely a predator. Saja hits on Callie. Nathan gets very angry at a tree. Libbie tells a shocking 90s story from her Mormon past about pizza and sex.
February 12, 2022
30 - Unexplained and Un-dealt-with
JT jumps out a window. Sydney’s existential crisis continues apace. Garrett likes to watch. Extremely long con/extremely low payoff. Audio quality was worse than usual this time due to technical issues. Sorry. We suck, but that’s why you love us. Happy end of Season 3! Season 4 starts Feb 12!
January 01, 2022
Bonus! Christmas in Swans Crossing
Omicron ruined Libbie's holiday plans so she wrote a fanfic instead of visiting her family. Glory plans a Secret Santa gift exchange, but it doesn't exactly go as planned...
December 25, 2021
29 - Very Conturning
Callie’s hair grew three sizes that day. Somebody (Jazz?) roofied Neil. Sydney is busy gazing. Everyone has so many watches. Captain Walker achieves fishception. Nathan has a great idea for a holiday special.
December 18, 2021
28 - Wizards of Yore
Garrett—an actual, honest-to-goodness wizard—performs a ritual to transmogrify Sydney into Sandy. The Countess clearly thinks Mila and Owen have been bonin’ down. Nathan’s dog is a bougie bitch. Libbie sets the record straight about her alleged “obsession” with the SC theme song. The OUTFITS in this one, you guys. Wow. Wow.
December 11, 2021
27 - Burger Dominatrix
Sandy and Nancy get drunk on milkshakes and talk Jimmy into a menage et trois. Sydney’s anxieties are spiraling out of control. JT gets some dramatic musical stings. Garrett isn’t even a little bit wet. LEAVE SANDY ALONE!
December 04, 2021
26 - Aprons For Your Legs
Our noble friend is rocking out tonight. Sophia’s on the prowl. Sydney’s getting worried. JT’s hands are sweaty. Neil has vanished. Mila won’t shut up about her rhymes. This party sucks, man. Plus: We get political and expose our liberal agenda (via Dan Quayle jokes).
November 27, 2021
25 - Vampire Cornholio
Surprise! There’s a dance tonight! Callie and Barek have a Highlander dynamic. We meet Jack Goldbrick, never to forget him. Jimmy has an interesting take on vampirism. Nathan knows a lot of dramaturges.
November 20, 2021
We interviewed Stacey Moseley, aka our queen, Callie Walker. What did Stacey wear to her audition? How do you build a swimming pool in a sound stage? Was Callie going to have an EVIL TWIN? Where did Stacey’s eyebrows go? The answers to these questions and so many more on this very special episode of Gotta Grow Up Sometime.
November 13, 2021
23 - Collective Fever Dream
Apparently somebody put LSD in the Swans Crossing municipal water supply, because this week the whole entire cast is tripping balls. Saja crushes a lock with his fist. Owen is seeing triple. Garrett commits botanicide. We figured out why Mila can’t swim. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.
November 06, 2021
22 - A Hole Punch for Lemons
Owen gets stuck inside his drum set. Sandy is still putting up with his crap. A glimpse into Ralph’s rich inner life. Jazz, with a vast hairdo, issues a dire warning to Sydney. Nathan writes a beautiful poem. Libbie spent the weekend in a Hollywood orgy suite.
October 30, 2021
21 - Garrett Has Two Daddies
Happy Season 3, Swannies! Garrett is grounded. Sydney is triumphant. Barek is back to his usual schtick of harassing minors. The Buckyballs swing both ways. Coach Tuna brings the pain. Neil and JT are werewolves, apparently. Nathan looks forward to pooping his pants.
October 23, 2021
20 - Soaprah
Sydney, master of chaos, steers the slumber party straight onto the rocks of her vengeance. Saja is bullied over meatballs. Glory and JT kiss, allegedly, and Nathan is MAD about it. Guess what Sandy’s birthmark is shaped like. Just guess. Garrett is literally going to commit murder. It’s the end of Season 2! I can’t believe we’re still doing this!
September 18, 2021
19 - Real, Actual Coven
The slumber party is BYOW: Bring Your Own Wig. Guys, this episode is cursed. Tech issues, echoes, weird sound things I couldn’t fix… the literal coven put a hex on our show. Plus, Barek is… wow. SO gross in this one. Enjoy.
September 13, 2021
18 - Onion Dip is Truly a Foreign Concept to Greta
Sandy’s hair lurks in the darkness. Nancy’s full skill set is not being utilized to best advantage. Grammar is not a rich people thing. Owen goes to Neil for love advice, for some reason. Sydney eats a plastic swan.
September 04, 2021
17 - Science Boi-oi-oing
The coven gathers. Jimmy has a bag of bread. Sofia is back with all of her names and all of her car innuendoes. JT is a poet. Owen’s fever dreams are getting really intense. Is this a department store, or is it a metaphor for Sandy’s barren inner life? Libbie inadvertently draws inspiration from Swans Crossing.
August 28, 2021
16 - Peak Nancy
This episode is a sartorial nightmare. Sydney is an effing mess. JT’s wearing his angriest underpants. Nancy dons a polyester potato sack and calls it sleepwear. Plus: someone hacked into the mainframe.
August 21, 2021
15 - Flip the Dick Switch
The cucking contract is officially broken! Garrett and Mila were definitely making out. Sydney is trapped in a gothic novel. Owen likes swelling. Jimmy rides a motorcycle. We discuss who’s the flouncing type and who is not.
August 14, 2021
14 - Eat Your Yodels
Nancy has her power suit on. Symbolic catcher’s masks abound. Jimmy is still a very angry wizard. Grant Booth is running for mayor! Saja is tripping, again. Sydney has to make her fateful decision. The terms of the Cucking Contract are on the line.
August 07, 2021
13 - Everybody Wants to Rule the World
This episode is a whole entire fever dream. Actual love is mentioned. Coach Gourami is bad at his job. Garrett is hanged in effigy. Jimmy is a very angry wizard.
July 31, 2021
12 - The Argus-Eyed Network
We question Owen’s sartorial choices. Barek is extremely inappropriate with Callie and with everyone, really. Saja can bend space-time. Neil and JT know a lot about soap operas. Sandy is depressed again. Garrett has shark eyes. Sydney leans on a LOT of trees.
July 24, 2021
11 - Cut from "Our Town"
Someone’s having a Fiji fantasy feast. Callie wants to punch Garrett and so do we. Jimmy screws up his shoulder…again! Illicit boners abound. Down with the old masters; up with the psycho swans.
July 17, 2021
10 - The Last Temptation of Saja
Jazz sexually harasses a child. Owen is drumming in an alternate dimension. Nancy is fully caked. Jimmy is a James Dean Type. Sydney and Garrett almost kiss. Saja is tempted by a hot dog like Jesus in the wilderness.
July 10, 2021
Midseason Bonus 2: Police Blotter
Some of the Actual Law Crimes that occurred in the town of Swans Crossing on July 6, 1992. Regular eps return on the 10th!
July 03, 2021
Midseason Bonus 1: Jimmy Clayton - Occult Enigma of the Eastern Seaboard
It's our very first midseason bonus episode! Jimmy is definitely a wizard and here is proof. Regular episodes return July 10!
June 19, 2021
09 - Actual Law Crimes
Saja is high. Jimmy gets dumped. The Countess is having a psychotic break. We have so many feelings about everyone’s outfits. Garrett, Sydney, and Mila get as close as 14-year-olds ever do to having a threesome; it’s very uncomfortable. Happy end of Season 1!
June 05, 2021
08 - Job Insecurity, No Bike, Left Kinda Horny
Rich people have a lot of phones. We discover the metaphysical nature of Swans Crossing. JT really pisses Nathan off. Garrett is a creepy, entitled dolphin. A mysterious holographic VHS is delivered to every cool, hip teen in town.
May 29, 2021
07 - Contractual Cucking
Callie and Jimmy tinker and tonker. Neil hates girls, like, A LOT. JT passively upholds the patriarchy. Mila’s room is so intensely pink. Sydney and Garrett have an… uh… “arrangement.”
May 22, 2021
06 - No One Can Swim With Drumsticks
Chaos at the docks. Underwater somersaults. Sydney and Garrett are front-page news. Owen has a rich fantasy life. Sofia tells Callie ALL her names. Everyone unwinds with a nice recovery soda. WHAT ABOUT SYDNEY?
May 15, 2021
05 - Dendritic Violence
Sydney settles on an outfit. Owen realizes Sandy exists. JT's truest love of all is revealed. Nancy is both evil and back from Aruba. Mila finally shows up in Swans Crossing.
May 08, 2021
04 - This Swan Fvcks
The wheels of Garrett’s intricate plot begin to turn. Neil's radio/phone/pager system has us confused yet intrigued. Sydney is a terrible hostess. Nathan learns about Greek mythology. Never give up.
May 01, 2021
03 - Racist Mamba Jamba
The big stupid head of Fabian. Some Pyramus & Thisbe sh*t. Vehicular innuendo. JT sleeps in a hammock. When life gives you lemons…
April 24, 2021
02 - A Dreadful Reverie
Rumors fly about a new girl who's moving to town. Garrett is a prick. Sandy is a doormat.
April 17, 2021
01 - The Only Place Left
Sydney's back. Garrett's back. A mysterious aquatic stranger arrives in SC. Owen got the car.
April 10, 2021
Welcome to the WASPy 90s nightmare world of Swans Crossing.
April 03, 2021