Gotta Grow Up Sometime!

It’s our retrospective retrospective! We reminisce about the last two years, reliving our favorite moments and discussing our predictions for the Season 2 that might have been. There’s a lot of wheeze-laughing in this one, and Libbie’s soul leaves her body. Plus: who was the ultimate champion of psychopathy? The answer will not surprise you. Adieu, Swannies--it's been fun.

This is it, Swannies! It’s the final episode of Swans Crossing! Mila looks like roadkill. Callie and Jimmy arm-wrestle. Sydney is back to being an a-hole. Nancy, our heartless queen, is in fine fettle. Garrett reveals his evil plan. Glory is hangry. Muffy cries a single tear. Special guest appearance by Libbie’s cat, Chupie.

Sydney is still doing Garrett’s bidding for no apparent reason. Mila is depressed. Nancy is back! Hail, Nancy! Barek is also back and he’s super creepy. Garrett is enraged. Unfortunately, Billy Gunn is back as well… and he’s shirtless. And he’s in his bed. With black satin sheets. And also with someone else.

Sparks begin to fly between Mila and JT. Jimmy and Saja reminisce about woobie hunting. Garrett forces Sydney to call child trafficker Billy Gunn, then begins strategizing ways to turn Mila into money. Owen has captured footage of legitimate Stranger Danger and nobody cares. Callie and Jimmy just GO FOR IT. A fledgling romance begins to develop between Saja and Sandy, the two perpetual third wheels of Swans Crossing.

Sydney ironically morphs into Sandy Swan of her own free will. Owen’s breaking and entering spree continues apace. Garrett is a time lord. Saja has fleshlights. Sandy blinds a bear. Jimmy almost cops a feel. Plus: Nathan learns about Flea and an old man yells “Schwing.”

We have to take a little break because LIFE is CRAZY and the holidays don't help with that. We'll be back on January 7th with Episode 62! You can also check out Libbie's new podcast, Future Saint of a New Era, which debuts December 15th. Have a safe and happy holiday season, Swannies, and we'll see you in 2023 for the final episodes of this, the best-produced and most important podcast on Earth.

Garrett breaks the fourth wall to violently assault the viewer. Sandy enlists Sydney’s help in an image makeover… kind of. Mining in Rodavia is really cheap. Barek flies off in his own private jet because of course he does. Mila and Sandy learn that Owen has betrayed both of them. Owen doesn’t seem to care because he’s intent on creeping around in the bushes, filming all and sundry.

Garrett wants to literally murder Sydney and says so SEVERAL times. Owen films people while they’re sleeping. Jimmy has a wrench cause he’s a mechanic. Glory extracts a promise from Garrett, which he immediately violates not three seconds later. JT peels a mustache; we can’t decide if it’s solemn or sexy. Saja does a tarot reading for Sydney and it’s… weird. The Entertainment Extravaganza is a flop for everyone except Katie, who makes out like a bandit.

Saja pursues a Little Mamba Jamba. Neil ODs on helium. Callie’s dinner with Barek goes about how you’d expect. Glory busts her brother. Garrett has a legit crisis on the ol’ Booth porch. Plus: Nathan and Libbie complain like a couple of boomers about the kids these days with their Discords and their TikToks.

Sydney procures bunting. Jimmy sweeps up detritus and stares a lot. Glory isn’t buying the whole Mila/Garrett thing. Barek shares inappropriate stories with minors. Callie and her dad bond by throwing shuriken. The excitement flows to Garrett’s brain. Plus: Nathan makes some coffee and you have to listen to the whole process.

Those are not Mila’s pancakes. Sydney has a new lease on life. Garrett is hosed. JT and Neil solve their financial problem… kind of. Callie betrays her own heart via nautical graffiti. Is Sandy ever gonna get over Owen? (Guess not). Owen’s fever-dream iteration of Mila is back and we are glad to see her. Plus: Libbie slams some table cream and Nathan reveals his bathroom sounds.

Callie rescues Sydney from aquatic peril. Captain Walker plots with a mysterious frogman. Jazz and the Baldie are, like, REALLY horny for each other. Sydney has a protracted panic attack, and we do mean protracted. Mila wants a polyamorous arrangement with Garrett and Chandler. Libbie writes some fanfic of the Jazz/Baldie pairing. Sydney’s back and she’s not going to take Garrett’s shit anymore!

Sydney is sensitive to Garrett’s needs. Mila flashes back to the beginning of this episode. JT and Neil attempt to acquire radioactive elements on credit. Jimmy makes Callie purr. Garrett cons Mila into making out. Ralph has a lot of canapes on offer. A ghostly apparition of Sandy Swan bops and bops and bops in a haunting silence. Sydney is visited by a series of Dickensian specters and then falls into the sea.

Time has no longer has meaning in Swans Crossing. JT and Neil analyze Barek’s rocks. Callie lets Jimmy put it in her mouth (ice cream, you guys. Relax.) Cornelia Booth is back and she has been shopping. The Booth family makes a plan to revamp Sandy’s image. Owen eats several desserts. Mila finally discovers Chandler’s true identity. Sydney cries in the shadows.

It’s Season 6—the LAST season! Can you believe it? Callie is fine. We hear Vision in Polka Dot Pink and it’s… not fine. Sydney wears her mourning bathing suit. Garrett decides it’s time to try being nice to girls. Nancy and Sandy put Sydney on blast. Mila relives every single one of her past humiliations.

If you want to ask us a question for our meta-retrospective final ep, please DM us on Twitter @gottagrowuppod or on Instagram @swanscrosspod.

We just decided this is the end of Season 5. Garrett is more pleased with himself than he should be. JT is shut out of his trust fund. Saja’s bike is full of mysteries. Barek has murder on his mind. Mila is un-grounded. Sydney purloins more poetry. A “b’Dazzled” Sandy dances to her greatest hit. Callie is in extreme peril! Oh no! Plus: Libbie gets podcast vengeance on an ex-boyfriend.

Garret has been lurking in cabanas again. Saja is hip to the fractal structure of the universe. Callie creeps around lookin’ for the hot rocks. Barek says the word “boner”. Neil and JT lose their funding. Sydney and Garrett pull an Actual Cyrano. Plus: an astonishing tale from Nathan’s childhood.

Mila is SO pink in this one. Neil is very happy about his candy bar. Jimmy lets Callie have it. Saja is a ninja again. Sydney plagiarizes some poetry and cries. We compare and contrast Garrett vs. Billy Gunn, then speculate on Garrett’s bedroom decor. Take a middle-aged walk with us down Memory Lane re: old-ass computers of the 90s. Plus: who is the mysterious Chandler?

Is Billy Gunn just… gone? We’re relieved. Mila tries to discover the identity of her secret admirer. Nancy talks into a horse’s nether region. Neil and JT commandeer hospital equipment. Owen eats all of Mila’s candy. Sandy is disheveled. Sydney is a drag. Charade!

JT can’t be bothered with chairs. Sydney gets creeped on and creeped out by Billy Gunn. Nathan draws the line at mind-meld pagers. Mila gets dumped by Billy and doesn’t realize how lucky she is. Buckyball is a verb now. Garrett is entirely too pleased with his line. Plus: hot sauce.

Neil’s in a coma and we full-on scream about it. Nathan solves the mystery of the hospital set. We’re haunted by the continuing saga of Sydney hiding a horse in Nancy’s bedroom. JT and Glory KISS!!!!! IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!!! Are those hot rocks in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

Mondays are for exposition! JT pulls Neil from a wreckage of pink foam insulation and their ruined ambitions. Nancy wears her mourning blazer. Deprived of Mila, Billy Gunn immediately turns his predatory attentions on Sydney… and then Sandy, moments later. Sandy’s hair gets a fluffing. Jazz has some kind of fantasy; the details are unclear.

Garrett has a meeting. Billy Gunn makes some highly inappropriate comments. So does Barek! Neil is having a crisis. Callie and Jimmy call a truce. There’s a full-scale riot at Swan’s Soda Shop. Sydney’s hair is still enormous. Mila, a.k.a. Desirae Passion of Cruel Swans “fame,” immediately blows her disguise and gets grounded for life. An explosion rocks Swans Crossing; Neil is trapped under falling styrofoam.

We regret to inform you that Billy Gunn has arrived in Swans Crossing. Glory’s home safe, but tensions are running high: everyone’s getting sucker-punched straight in the face. Sydney’s hair is SO huge. Callie gets a New Wave glow-up. Nathan absolutely LOSES IT, and later, Libbie teaches him all about butt rock.

Guys, I don’t know what happened. A glitch in the matrix caused this episode to come out a whole week late. Sorry! In this belated episode: Smooth jazz. Spooky statues. Glory is rescued! Jimmy and Callie have a helmeted showdown. JT and Garrett bury the hatchet for like 15 seconds. Also: a deep dive on that haunting Bounty commercial.

Turns out a snake pit is a surprisingly dull place to be. JT moons. Neil suffers crushing remorse. Garrett acts like he murdered Glory, which isn’t helping anything. Sydney and Mila plot to try on outfits. Jimmy indulges his fantasies. Sorry about the plane buzzing around in the background. Oh, the iniquity!

Happy Season 5, Swannies! We break down the logistics of Glory’s abduction and briefly turn into a true crime podcast. The gang start to realize that Glory is missing. Neil and JT eat gross sandwiches and touch radioactive material. Callie will not be fobbed. Barek’s cotton ball stash is discovered. Holy shit, there’s a snake pit under Swans Crossing! Also, it’s double burger day!

Sydney’s scheme has become a full-time job. Billy Gunn has a most unusual set of demands. Sandy’s doing laundry. Callie and Jimmy rumble at the Tool n Die. Barek abandons a sandwich. We are haunted by that one Bounty commercial. It's the end of Season 4 but we'll be back on May 21. Purple turtle super slinky.

It’s finally the next day. Cotton balls are EVERYWHERE. Sydney and Mila refine the plan for that whole uncomfortable Billy Gunn thing. Callie has a Glory Day. Garrett is trapped in a cabana but he kind of deserves it. Saja kicks a box and we can’t stop thinking about it. Happy one-year anniversary to the most mediocre podcast ever! (This one. It’s us.)

Saja relives his Keystone Cops moment. Neil is a food sherpa. Glory is menaced repeatedly in her sleep. Garrett lists things, as is his habit. JT reads a poem, and it’s… uh… interesting. Nathan inadvertently predicts a plot twist and Libbie details the ins and outs of corn-holing while stoned.

It’s 1 a.m. and there is entirely too much going on in this town, considering the hour. In full ninja regalia, Saja checks out a jogger’s butt. Glory and Callie have become BFFs. Jimmy is still at the Tool n Die, probably for creepy reasons. Sydney gets stuck in an elevator, then she gets stuck in Mila’s plan to date Billy Gunn on the down-low. Owen: still striking out with Mila.

Garrett and Sydney have spent an entire hour staring at each other across the pool. Billy Gunn amps up the creep factor to astonishing new levels. Callie makes arrangements for extended landlubbery because apparently Swans Crossing is not, in fact, the only place left. Mr. Han has been running a clandestine drug ring out of the library and we are ON TO HIM. Busted!

Welcome to the Nudibranquet. The Countess really goes all out in her attempt to seduce Captain Walker: Ritz crackers with CheezWiz, synchronized swimmers, Dolores the Nudibranch Girl, inexplicable ping-pong balls, an original aria composed for the occasion… it’s an evening no one in Swans Crossing will soon forget.

Sydney is dressed down and is going through some shit. The Countess outsources her seduction of Captain Walker to the local youth. Barek bilocates. Mila is torn between Garrett and Billy Gunn. Owen sleeps in his studio. Callie kicks Jimmy where it counts. Nancy commits gossip fraud. We are here for Sassy Sandy Swan. There's a lot going on in this one; strap in.

To no one’s surprise, Sydney violates Sandy’s basic human rights. Jimmy and Callie decide to Do It, but not in the way you’re thinking. Garrett further enmeshes Sandy in his intricate scheme to ruin Sydney’s life. Mila rehearses her impending victimization at Billy Gunn’s hands. Hope you guys like bird sounds, cause you’re getting a lot of them today.

Billy Gunn is the Matt Gaetz of Swans Crossing. We solve the mystery of Jimmy’s lone T-shirt. JT and Neil attempt to build a missile silo. Barek is fully cognizant of his own creepiness. Sandy senses her advantage over Sydney. We ponder the metaphysical nature of the Baldies. Ralph and Mr. Han have the greatest scene of all time.

It’s Season 4, Swannies! Sandy dyes her hair the color of a school bus. Garrett test drives a new catch phrase. Billy Gunn’s in town, and he’s most definitely a predator. Saja hits on Callie. Nathan gets very angry at a tree. Libbie tells a shocking 90s story from her Mormon past about pizza and sex.

JT jumps out a window. Sydney’s existential crisis continues apace. Garrett likes to watch. Extremely long con/extremely low payoff. Audio quality was worse than usual this time due to technical issues. Sorry. We suck, but that’s why you love us. Happy end of Season 3! Season 4 starts Feb 12!

Omicron ruined Libbie's holiday plans so she wrote a fanfic instead of visiting her family. Glory plans a Secret Santa gift exchange, but it doesn't exactly go as planned...

Callie’s hair grew three sizes that day. Somebody (Jazz?) roofied Neil. Sydney is busy gazing. Everyone has so many watches. Captain Walker achieves fishception. Nathan has a great idea for a holiday special.

Garrett—an actual, honest-to-goodness wizard—performs a ritual to transmogrify Sydney into Sandy. The Countess clearly thinks Mila and Owen have been bonin’ down. Nathan’s dog is a bougie bitch. Libbie sets the record straight about her alleged “obsession” with the SC theme song. The OUTFITS in this one, you guys. Wow. Wow.

Sandy and Nancy get drunk on milkshakes and talk Jimmy into a menage et trois. Sydney’s anxieties are spiraling out of control. JT gets some dramatic musical stings. Garrett isn’t even a little bit wet. LEAVE SANDY ALONE!

Our noble friend is rocking out tonight. Sophia’s on the prowl. Sydney’s getting worried. JT’s hands are sweaty. Neil has vanished. Mila won’t shut up about her rhymes. This party sucks, man. Plus: We get political and expose our liberal agenda (via Dan Quayle jokes).

Surprise! There’s a dance tonight! Callie and Barek have a Highlander dynamic. We meet Jack Goldbrick, never to forget him. Jimmy has an interesting take on vampirism. Nathan knows a lot of dramaturges.

We interviewed Stacey Moseley, aka our queen, Callie Walker. What did Stacey wear to her audition? How do you build a swimming pool in a sound stage? Was Callie going to have an EVIL TWIN? Where did Stacey’s eyebrows go? The answers to these questions and so many more on this very special episode of Gotta Grow Up Sometime.

Apparently somebody put LSD in the Swans Crossing municipal water supply, because this week the whole entire cast is tripping balls. Saja crushes a lock with his fist. Owen is seeing triple. Garrett commits botanicide. We figured out why Mila can’t swim. Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.

Owen gets stuck inside his drum set. Sandy is still putting up with his crap. A glimpse into Ralph’s rich inner life. Jazz, with a vast hairdo, issues a dire warning to Sydney. Nathan writes a beautiful poem. Libbie spent the weekend in a Hollywood orgy suite.

Happy Season 3, Swannies! Garrett is grounded. Sydney is triumphant. Barek is back to his usual schtick of harassing minors. The Buckyballs swing both ways. Coach Tuna brings the pain. Neil and JT are werewolves, apparently. Nathan looks forward to pooping his pants.

Sydney, master of chaos, steers the slumber party straight onto the rocks of her vengeance. Saja is bullied over meatballs. Glory and JT kiss, allegedly, and Nathan is MAD about it. Guess what Sandy’s birthmark is shaped like. Just guess. Garrett is literally going to commit murder. It’s the end of Season 2! I can’t believe we’re still doing this!

The slumber party is BYOW: Bring Your Own Wig. Guys, this episode is cursed. Tech issues, echoes, weird sound things I couldn’t fix… the literal coven put a hex on our show. Plus, Barek is… wow. SO gross in this one. Enjoy.