Bravo & The Brits

Two birthdays for the price of one: Married To The Medley! Key takeaways: We're taking our petition to get Elyse cast as the new fulltime cast member to the parliament, the RHONY women get up close and personal with the Hypebeast crowd and Luann goes heavy on the radish vodka with disastrous and drawn-out vocal consequences.

Hi all, just checking on on this supposed "Week of Rest" for Lou. We'll be back soon!

This episode feels like a prime cut of RHONY - just the right amount of drunken bitchiness and ridiculousness (and cheap costumes - one of RHONY's staple motifs). Key takeaways: wearing a butterfly necklace past the age of 14 should be outlawed and you should always initiate an apology in-line at the omelette station.

The Potomac equivalent of the Capulets and the Montagues rewrite golfing history in their own image this week. Key takeaways: if you don't have at least one woman named Donzella in your friendship group, you're not hustling hard enough - oh, and if you're going to host a gala in your living room you should at least not name it after an orgasm shot.

We've seen a glimpse of hell and it's Ramona glad in grey marl and kitten heels. Key takeaways: Luann accidentally sets herself up as the host of a far more enjoyable-to-watch makeover show, Leah reaches the end of her tether with The Singer, and Sonja goes from Century 21 to Messy Ceviche Hun faster than you can say 'New York Ranger.'

The sister circle continues and it's good vibes all around until M-Darb crashes the gay bar (or was he hanging around there all along?). Key takeaways: Karen's trucker cap vibe? Caburlesque incarnate... Faith & Lou contemplate the abject horror of improv comedy and Katie shuts Giselle down with unprecedented efficiency.

Ramona's "coming out" party has a sprinkle of personality/joy injected into it and she implodes as a result. Key takeaways: Faith deals with some charred remains, Lou contemplates a weirdly specific dating segment and we decide that for Leah's own wellbeing, she needs to lockdown a dodgy Russian businessman as her new partner.

Faith and Lou talk baristas over barristers, Lou has a brush with TikTok virality and we gear up for round 2 of the beserkshires. Key takeaways: we bear witness the only remaining soul who is still invested in the Livestrong brand, does everyone have an alter-ego called Erika nowadays and never trust a set menu that doesn't begin with chicory being ritually deflowered.

The Berkshires descend into the screaming match we were all waiting for - fragmented into proxy wars (don't encourage into a cold war metphor on this one). Key takeaways: Upgrade your wineware with rainbow fish to achieve Nirvana, finally our love of Elyse seems to be echoed by the Public At Large and Sonja - and her place in the blue book - must be protected at all costs.

The ladies head to "Bethenny" for Ashley's solid 6/10 seaside hosting experience in which two extras from Fawlty Towers serve up a meal of creamed asparagus and mediocrity. Key takeaways: Katie's eye roll is our mood for 2020, find out who would get willingly taken to the Candy Shop (frilly apron optional) and Gizelle exposes her vulnerability with a deeply relatable story about gut health.

As we head deeper into the uncanny valley of semi-quarantined televisual production, Faith and Lou contemplate the 'battered wife' aspect of Ramona and Sonja's relationship and stan Rob in equal measure. Key takeaways: Only 3 things in life are unavoidable: Ramona being selfish, death and taxes, mayonnaise-phobia is real and Sonja's true calling as a puppet-master reveals itself and suddenly everything makes sense again.

Karen takes it upon herself to substitute Rayvin in for Ashley Darby - pass the baton (or hot pink stun gun) of high Potomac society on - so to speak. Key takeaways: Lou contemplates pheromones ruining her lockdown virtual romance, Faith struggles to come to terms with the Darby's chaotic interview process and Gizelle's ill-advised fringe is the most unwelcome guest at the Yacht Party (aside from Michael's boxers... but at least they weren't tighty-whiteys.)

Karen takes etiquette to new heights in a 2004 Cessna, Katie continues to cement her plot point on the hot-crazy matrix and Ashley turns 27. Key takeaways: Charisse might not be a terrible person after all (but she does need to invest in some garden furniture), Robyn's finances come under scrutiny and CATS the Movie comes to life in a mid-range cocktail bar.

Tinsdale runs off into the sunset in her Moncler full-length puffer, and we, unlike Dorinda, wish her nothing but the best in the house that coupons bought. Key takeaways: Blood Manor is scary, but nowhere near as scary as Tinsley's dogs in tutus, we reflect on Stassi's fall from (dis)grace and Rob seizing that deceased houseplant by the trunk has us feeling worryingly giddy.

Katie's need to breed reaches a cringe-inducing peak in today's episode (but who can blame the girl?), and Ashley hosts a lo-fi whiskey tasting but manages to win over the women with her good graces. Key takeaways: Faith's prom was a distinctly unemotional affair (and Lou's nearly ended in a catfight?!), Rayvin has great taste when it comes to gowns and it becomes (even more) clear that we are terrible people, willing to forgive Juan for his transgressions on account of his striking good looks.

Just when you thought table-manners couldn't get any worse, the carbs start flying as Tinsley's nerves get increasingly a-frayed. Key takeaways: we wonder if there are any dogs trained to herd cougars rather than sheep, Sonja's fun party girl persona is being continuously chipped away at by her obnoxiousness and Lou gets too involved in the hypothetical dramaturgic considerations for Luann's cabaret producer's unseen masterpiece.

Gizelle and Karen's confrontation escalates poolside as Charisse adds fuel to the flames. We then go on to meet Ashley and Michael Darby, the austro-American couple with one of the least functional marriages on Bravo (and that's saying something!). Key takeaways: Lou reveals her penchant for long-faced men, Katie's Rabbi nearly pulls a 'Wonderwall' on her naming ceremony, and Faith resists the urge to google spoilers to stretch out the lockdown viewing-bliss.

Newport serves as the setting for a whirlwind clambake, fuelled by vodka sodas and lobster.  Key takeaways: Lou's lockdown life takes a turn for the Best Western, Ramona's true reptilian form can only stay hidden for so long, and Elys continues to be as non-existent as the ladies' commitments to a seat-belt.

We have decided to delve into the Real Housewives of Potomac from the very beginning - we decided that Sydney was too close to home in terms of hair extensions and bad fake tans. Key takeaways: Ray might be the black Bill Gates, but he's channelling the personal style of someone in middle management for an insurance broker, a crab boil is a ritual murder dressed up as social function and Lou wistfully ponders a missed DC connection made on a plane.

The ladies work through their disagreements on the inside of a soviet log cabin. Key takeaways: Dr Daryl's shelf set-up needs to be ruthlessly  Marie Kondo'd, Lou's origin story is a lot less glamorous than she'd like it to be and we decide that Elyse can stay if she continues to be rigidly expressionless and tell us more about the late 80s and the associated nefarious sauna goings-on in more detail.

Where do we go from here? A question being asked by governments the world over in the wake of this crisis, but also most crucially by Lisa Vanderpump as this season wraps up. Key takeaways: Faith's penchant for property porn is revealed, Max and Brett talk in more figures of speech than the metaphysical poets themselves, and Scheana is proof that we will never be able to escape 2010 club culture, much as we try to.

Martin the boxing coach is on hand to dish out surprisingly insightful psychological support to Tinsdale who is working through a lot of frustration right now, then a day-trip to the Orchard ends in an a-maize-ing lack of self-awareness for the ladies. Key takeaways: Lou's virtual Eurovision plans get shot down in a spectacular fashion, the spread in the hired mini-van proves to be more abundant than most boutique hotel offerings and we have a vested interest in co-operating with Texan cake toppers.

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Competing pool parties are the order of the day on Vanderpump Rules, served with a lukewarm and limp side of Dayna drama. Key takeaways: We worry for the Tom's investment portfolios, luxury cushions have taken Lou to more lavish hotels than any man ever has and Brett's past life as a Greek philosopher/phucc boi is twigged by Stassi.

This episode culminates in a glorious if confusing tapestry of comedy/piracy puns/philanthropy/drunken pin pong rematches. Key takeaways: Find out your parents' porn-star names (you will not be disappointed), Dale dips her toe in hipster brunching culture with mixed results and Sonja gets a glimpse of The Void as she tries to process a podcast host who has never had an orgasm.

In this episode we finally smell a hint of the old Jax... stale edibles, Paco Rabanne Million and uncalled for sanctimony. God, does it feel good. Key takeaways: Scheana's concept of spanking may need workshopping a while longer, we fail to get past James' Mae's British car-obsessed homonym and latex gloves make a premature but pivotal appearance in the pop-culture lexicon months before COVID.

The highlight of New York Fashion Week is here: The Sonja by Sonja Morgan Fashion Show. Never has a more eclectic and incompetent circus of people thrown together a fashion show on a wing and a prayer in an uptown conference centre. Key takeaways: Faith's baking takes a turn for the Polyfilla, we bask in the warm glow of Rob the Baby Daddy's clear-cut communication and Dale is a (pussy-bowed) power bitch.

The Vanderpump cast embraces its inner darkness with mausoleum proposals, ghost outfits and Ariana grinning like a crazed zombie with a mouthful of blood. Key takeaways: Don't try and talk Lou into having 8 children under any circumstances, Faith stans Beau & Stassi (but not the accompanying T-rex costume) and James finds a measure of forgiveness at the sidelines of a game of glorified rounders.

The ladies ease us into a false sense of security with an early morning tennis match and Swedish dog-grooming duo before their girls' night in turns into a modern re-enactment of Lord of The Flies. Key takeaways: When you meet a hot guy, ask yourself: What would Lu do? Tiki torches replace Big Pharma as the emblem of modern-day capitalism, and Leah firmly cements her place in Housewives history with her flying fanny.

Spring is in the air, and so are the desperate attempts to create some form of meaningful chaos within the cast of VPR before Stassi's engagement. Key takeaways: Beau is a true beta male and that's OK, Faith and Lou less-than-fondly reminisce on their clubbing days and the SUR alley continues to be demoted and defiled by the mechanical "making-up" performance of Scheana and Dayna.

RHONY continues to serve us, the great unwashed, with the best reality TV we have experienced in some time. A boozy brunch leads seamlessly into an unhinged cocktail party in Bridgehampton where Trump voters congregate in some sort of rapper mansion owned by a man who is 80% teeth. Key takeaways: We stan Luann's Laura Ashley 1986 catalogue dress vibes, men who wear salmon pink polo shirts are never going to sexually satisfy you and we can all agree that a $40m mansion without gin is worth as much as a mildew ridden cottage in the Lake District.

The second episode of RHONY starts to feel like a 'new girl hazing ritual' after the cast seize onto a bizarre (if slightly 00s) detail on Leah's person to drag her through the proverbial mud for.  Key takeaways: We should all be thankful this Easter that Lou never followed through on her childhood tattoo aspirations, Sonja's messiness takes an uncharacteristically bitchy turn and Leah's avant-garde bucket hat is an almost excellent fashion moment.