LATE NIGHT LARGE

What happens when you fancy nookie without the social expectations; banging without colliding; getting off without getting together? You've wandered into the realm of cybersex, you fool! Whether it's an Only Fans party, sexting, or being flayed alive by the ultimate Sado-masochistic A.I. Sex Robot, Late Night Large will get to the bottom of it. And give it a virtual spank while they're there, no doubt.

Imagine admiration, devotion and perhaps even devotion to someone you'd never encountered in person. This is a parasocial relationship, and experience tells us this power dynamic can lead to negative consequences on either side; perhaps Misery. But we're here to debate the other side too. Good can and does come from parasocial interactions you know, mostly from us to you.

Many would say Mike and Aaron display nothing but artificial intelligence, but we're talking about the digital kind here. Will A.I. save us from drudgery and climate breakdown, or will it gain sentience and trigger a nuclear holocaust? Is it a panacea to curb our worst impulses, or will it prove as bad as the worst people who no doubt will control it? Are we all watched over by machines of loving grace, or all walked over by psychotic cyborgs? All this on more on the triumphant return of the topical podcast like no other...until ChatGPT makes us redundant at least.

Food and corpses tend to rot too quickly for convenience, while digital data is always at risk from corruption and theft. What we need are ways to protect these important things for longer...Wikipedia will tell us how! The self-anointed Self-Preservation Society discuss the preservation of all of the above, plus a few more, though strangely not life itself. Make of that what you will.

Dressed to the nines and feeling fine, the night soon goes downhill as Mike gets lairy with the men and cheeky with the women. Some illicit substances and lewd dancing later, the head bouncer makes Mike's enemy list, as he sleeps it off in a holding cell.

Going together like a horse and carriage, the witless wonders proceed to catch the bouquet while gabbering about nuptials and bondage until they're thrown out of the church. Is the spirit of matrimony still sacrosanct, despite Mike's best efforts? There's only one way to find out.

Prepare to burn your mattress and throw it at the screws, as our two jailbait-chasers are on 'lockdown' for inciting a prison riot. With all the time in the world to think about what they've done, Mike and Aaron use their captivity to discuss means, motive and opportunity for imprisonment, as well as some inappropriate gags about prison sex.

Dante judged those guilty of treachery to be among the worst sinners, frozen in the deepest circle of the Inferno, and that's where Mike soon regrets taking a leak. Expect to hear rigorous and possibly infantile debate on the motives for betrayal, as well as a lowdown on history's most famous back-stabbers.

(footnote: apologies for the mix-up in the episode, of course the historical figure referenced in the Spanish conquest of the Aztecs should have been Hernan Cortes, not Francisco Pizarro!)

Recognition comes in many forms, but Aaron and Mike only care about the kind that comes with a precious metal lustre in this trophy-laden edition of the usually sparsely-decorated topical radio fiasco. Hear about the many forms of peer approval and adulation as Mike's spiteful envy sees him kick the podium over at the Paralympics.

Our two mutilated grotesques spend a little too long lingering on the more nauseating prospects of body augmentation, including anal tattooing, voluntary amputation, and everything in between. More than a few cautionary tales and wince-inducing verbal images abound, in this unforgettably embellished episode that would leave Dr Frankenstein himself in raptures!

Our two creeping weeds query how Mary-Quite-Contrary's garden grows, while Mike typically beats around her bush, and leaves his green thumbprints all over the scene of the crime...

They see us trollin' - they hatin'. Or we are. Drunken hecklers; catcallers; bullies; all real-life versions of the online phenomena: the troll. As rude as he is gluttonous, you should never feed a troll after midnight. Or at all. Stalking online forums only to sow discord and abuse, it's no surprise to hear Mike having a modicum of sympathy for these love-starved weirdos. What constitutes trolling and what are its motivations? Listen on to find out. Just try not to be a sensitive little flower.

Dropping their kecks, necking brake fluid and firing up the Bunsen burner, our two maladjusted miscreants play with dangerous and sordid implements purely to convey a profound artistic statement to the esoteric masses. Will you get it?

F is for Fat, I is for Idle and T is for....never you mind. Our two out-of-shape oafs illicit suggestions on treating their body as a temple rather than a slagheap from special guest and bodybuilding enthusiast; Greig Ross. Besides the sensible advice, rest assured there will be plenty of roister-doistering from our resident slovenly slobs.

Handshakes and penguin suits all round as Mike combs his hair and watches his mouth for long enough to make a good impression for an important engagement with Her Majesty's Criminal Justice System. What are these strange customs and dress codes we demand of others and ourselves, and what function do they perform? Listen on for a lesson in etiquette and courtesy, soon disregarded and mocked by our disrespectful dilettantes.

Our pair of dense pillars take the piston again, as they investigate what happens when Mother Maths and Father Physics love each other so much that they perform carnal acts to create a functional art baby.

Stock up with Ajax and prepare yourselves for a life of banal drudgery slaving away over a hot stove and retrieving the head of the bog brush, for the Sisyphean theme of domestic labour.

Listen on as our two primates climb down from the trees to see what it feels like to shower and walk upright. While they're down, they restrain themselves from hurling excrement for long enough to discuss the motivations, ideals and patterns of behaviour observed in their close cousins: the human race.

What does Late Night Large have in common with disease? It's always growing. Whether it gives you the shakes, makes your skin fall off or eject your internal organs through your lower colon, /mike and Aaron want to discuss it. Preferably at the dinner table. 

(Episode produced before Covid, so prescient as Hell too)

We all like to imagine our perverted voyeurism is somehow both sexy and vital to national security, so here our two creepers discuss the minefield of 'espiolarge'. Highlights include Mike terrifying children at the local swimming pool with his own brand of 'dumpster diving'...

They may not have ever met their Prince Charming, lived under the sea or used sorcery to do the housework, but there is more than a little Pinocchio in Mike, and as for the story of his night with seven dwarves, that's best left untold. Our two cartoonish anti-heroes discuss the globe-straddling fairytale and merchandise behemoth that is Disney, its roots, legacy, and the dubious background of the man who made it all possible...

If we don't get some shelter....we're gonna fade away. All hail the sink estates, yurts, yaodongs and bus shelters for providing a place to rest our weary heads that offers at least basic protection from the elements.

Relax and knock back a few roofies as you enjoy this show devoted to mankind's restorative of choice. We spend one third of our lives asleep, so make sure you maximise the other two thirds with your favourite topical podcast!

What sorcery is this? Sit back, relax and marvel as Magic Mike makes a rabbit appear from out of his trousers. Our two warlocks of whimsy wave their impotent wands around in honour of the art of illusion as they debate the meaning, morals and mysticism of show magic and the black arts.

Tighten those screws, sharpen those blades and stoke those flames: it's time for torment. Like the sick, twisted abominations they are, our two executioner generals pick over the dead meat of suffering, and question why and how it has progressed to such a level. Weapons of choice, length of treatment and desired result are the aspects under the microscope.

If you don't know your go-karting from your geo-caching, or your orienteering from your amethyst earring, then this is the show for you! Our two plucky pioneers wander lost in the desert for longer than the Hebrews as they seek to find their bearings, which you can bet it is mightily amusing.

Anybody who's spent any period of time around Mike will doubtless require some form of therapy. The question is will they require their mind, body or soul rehabilitated? The various forms of professional healing are discussed to death in this thrilling episode.

Listen on as our crafty cretins fail miserably to keep their hands to themselves, and explain how, in the far distant past, man rather than machine used to make things, and how a few hardy rustic folk still do.

If all the people in the world camped out in your back garden, would you write and tell the King, or would you grab a tent and join them? Lay the table, boil the kettle and fling open the door for this genial slice of Large which surprisingly has nothing to do with accident and emergency.

Our two idle wretches talk idols and retch in this plinth-mounted debate. Is any form of worship healthy or mutually beneficial? When does admiration beget infatuation beget obsession? All these questions and more will seek to be answered by our two anti-heroes with an unhealthy attraction to themselves.

Why help others when you can't get your own life right? Do you really want other people to point out what you're doing wrong? And pay them for the pleasure? That might not seem enticing, but watching free video demonstrations on youtube can indeed prevent you mugging yourself off, so swings and roundabouts.

Unlock the mysterious nightmare box and open the gates of Hell, as we delve into the labyrinth of the mind, and ponder over why man seeks to find words in jumbles of letters, or arrange numbers in a preordained sequence, never mind move little pieces of wood around a chequered board for hours.

From a primal scream to a menacing whisper as you brandish the machete, there are many methods of conveying thoughts and ideas to our fellow humans. The motives are limitless and the means just as much. Are we trying to sell our recipient a product, or an idea? Are we attempting to kill them with kindness, or bullets? Or, as Mike so eloquently puts it: 'Am I eating it, fighting it or f***ing it?'

Everyone wishes for subordinate underlings, but it's not so easy to house-train humans and convince them to follow you on a lead. Tonight's discussion centres on the cute, the smelly and the downright vicious animals that we share our homes and businesses with. Be prepared for skinny pigs, Satanic goats and pugs in little tuxedos dragging around miniature trailers with drinks and finger food on them.

Live the dream by not washing for three days and sharing your toilet with thousands of people, as Mike and Aaron inhale and ingest everything they come across to frolic mindlessly in a field. What is it about festivals that brings diverse people together? Music? Camping? Beer? Free love? Listen on to find out.

There will be no accusations, just friendly crustaceans. Setting sail on the storm-tossed seven seas in a pea-green boat, our resident owl and pussycat navigate around effulgence and floating shards of consumer waste as they deliberate the topography and beasties residing beneath the surface of the seventy-something percent of our planet we can't possibly live on.

Slap on some teak tan and bleach those pearly whites, it's time to see what you could have won! Up there with finest editions, this Late Night Large delves into the nostalgic and often hilariously cringey UK gameshow archives. Cheesy hosts; iconic catchphrases; dim contestants; fabulous prizes; they're all here! Sidestep to your left, Simon.

That most rapturous of seasons shines its light on the dark recesses of Large in this whimsical instalment of the amateur radio equivalent of the never-ending summer holiday! Expect talk of scandalous bikinis, offensive sunburn and washout holidays, while Mike explains why he likes his meat black and crunchy on the outside, but pink and gristly on the inside.

Once more into the breach, dear boy. The night the rest of the week pays penance to is the centrepiece here. Myth, intrigue and adventure...never has a night been so eulogised over. Like the invention of the teenager, Saturday night is a product of the modern West, and you'd best get yours before it's too late!

Enjoy a forearm smash as our two greasy groomers refuse to play nice online. This discussion centres on the origins of idea exchanges, from Ancient Rome to chatrooms which might be more at home on the Tor network. Democratic free market exchange of ideas, or bubbling cesspit of cretinous cyber-bullies? You decide.

Does any more need to be said? Cover your children's ears as Mike steers the car drunkenly towards the red light district for this show that was supposed to be about more than carnal indulgence.

Come and indulge your juvenile fantasies, as our two garbage pail kids discuss the items that are more valuable than gold to a pre-teen! In one of the most captivating editions of this always infantile show, marvel at the sense of wonder and lost innocence in their voices, as Mike and Aaron lament the lost toys, and the sacks of coal they received every Christmas.

Mike and Aaron play the elephants hiding behind the proverbial lamp post, as they attempt to go incognito in the show with more than meets the eye. More fun than walking into a bank wearing nothing but a ski mask.

Join us for take-off in one of the vintage episodes! Man's fondest spiritual quest is scavenged upon from on high, as our two flappers fly too close to the sun and fall to earth with a thump, whilst often breaking into spontaneous song, strangely enough. There are also myriad amusing diversions involving hummingbirds, castle walls and, of course, the clown of the sea. Plus Mike suggests Pingu gets eaten by everything...although he might have got confused.

Money lending is often the devil's work, and our two part-time advocates;; the Cynic and Sodomite, debate its moral and material consequences in this rapacious episode of the show without a soul. Leaving aside the fact that most money is simply digital numbers created with no intrinsic value, is it really morally just that a rich man can harvest an income from simply lending the less fortunate among us that which he needs to survive? Or is the world simply full of ignorant cretins with no fiscal discipline but plenty of impulse?

Better invest in some razor wire and patrolled watchtowers, as our two safety salamanders lay down your defences in the name of miseducation. If your idea of a safe night involves Mike enlightening you as to why his security career has never really got off the ground, and why he enjoys drinking his own urine, then this is the show for you!

Who would have thought that such a trivial topic could provoke such furious arguments? You should know by now that nothing in Late Night Large world is trivial. Our two couch potatoes split proverbial hairs over tables and chairs, while hurling bedknobs and broomsticks at the kitchen sink, in this highly entertaining edition of the show that always strives to be part of your furniture.

A particularly insightful edition asks the question: can one really hope to derive enjoyment from employment? Among the revelations gleaned from Jimmy Wales are the changing face of global employment over recent years, the endless power struggle between employer and employee, and whether our current system actually works for the majority. Expect disagreements and strong language!

The two corpulent crazies talk who gobbles, skewers and spit-roasts what according to the law of the jungle. Man-eating dolphins, class war and evolutionary cannibalism all rear their tasty heads downwind from the herd as arrows whizz by. Enjoy all manner of predation and trophic cascades on this fabulous edition of the show that's always difficult to digest.

Our two infantile idiots violate their parole and fake a CRB as they discuss the concept of siring children. What reasons could one have to add to the population, what age is sensible to start a family, and how do you react when your little progenies burn the house down when you're away?