Making Polyamory Work
By Libby Sinback
Making Polyamory WorkNov 23, 2020
Community Care with Genevieve of Chill Polyamory
Libby is joined by Genevieve King of Chill Polyamory to discuss individualism, community care, and ways you can shift your mindset to ecological thinking within polyamorous (or not!) relationship structures.
Genevieve's Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/chillpolyamory
Genevieve on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3PUizxdp_vj2A5fUdBgzgw
Genevieve's website: https://www.chillpolyamory.com/
Sexual Health When You're Positive with Courtney Brame
Something Positive for Positive People: www.spfpp.org/
SPFPP Podcast: www.spfpp.org/podcast Herpes Stigma Virtual Conference in May: www.spfpp.org/offerings/p/conferences
Courtney's Instagram: www.instagram.com/courtneybrame_/
Offer or Request?
Libby discusses the distinction between offers and requests in relating and how important it can be to make sure you're saying what you actually mean.
Kai Cheng Thom's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kaichengthom/?hl=en Spectrum of Consent: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1kvYW4eSVKRuwUt5Mc-DnCyNVzvA036f8/view?usp=sharing
Marcia Baczynski on Desire Smuggling: https://askingforwhatyouwant.com/desire-smuggler/
27 Alternatives to "Is this Okay?": https://askingforwhatyouwant.com/27-alternatives-to-asking-is-this-okay/
Navigating Asexuality with Aubri Lancaster
Libby talks with AASECT-certified sexuality educator Aubri Lancaster about asexuality and aromanticism.
Aubri's website: https://acesexeducation.com/
Aubri's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/acesexeducation/
Is Hierarchy bad?
Libby shares her thoughts about debate about whether hierarchy is bad or wrong in polyamory.
Additional reading: Lola Phoenix - the Hierarchy Polyamorous People Don't Talk Enough About: https://www.nonmonogamyhelp.com/the-hierarchy-polyamorous-people-dont-talk-enough-about/
Ready for Polyamory - Is there a Problem with Hierarchy https://www.readyforpolyamory.com/post/guest-post-is-there-a-problem-with-hierarchy
Poly.Land - Sneakiarchy: https://poly.land/2018/11/01/sneakiarchy-secret-hierarchy-dishonest-egalitarianism/
Joreth Retracts Descriptive vs Prescriptive Hierarchy: https://joreth.dreamwidth.org/408917.html
Podcast episodes referenced in the episode: Veto Happens: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/veto-happens
Where is this Going?: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/where-is-this-going
Unmet Needs in Polyamory
Most folks practicing nonmonogamy accept that no one person can meet all their needs. And yet, sometimes it can be challenging when a new partner starts meeting needs that haven't been met by an established relationship. In this episode Libby explores the trickiness when new relationships fulfill desires that established ones don't some ideas to help you navigate this situation well.
There’s Nothing to Fear: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/theres-nothing-to-fear
9 Relationships of a Modern Marriage: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/9-relationships-of-a-modern-marriage
Where is this going? https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/where-is-this-going
This may be a bitter pill https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/this-may-be-a-bitter-pill
Seriously! Compassion
This week Libby shares a re-release from December 2019 about the science of compassion, and why it's key to loving relationships, including the one with yourself.
The Gottman Institute on Contempt: https://www.gottman.com/blog/this-one-thing-is-the-biggest-predictor-of-divorce/ The Harvard Business Review on Self-Compassion: https://hbr.org/2018/09/give-yourself-a-break-the-power-of-self-compassion About the Carleton University Study on Self-Compassion and Procrastination:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dont-delay/200903/self-forgiveness-reduces-procrastination Kristin Neff's Website on Self-Compassion:
Sacred Unraveling in Polyamory with Joli Hamilton
Part two of Libby's conversation with Dr. Joli Hamilton where they discuss how navigating differences can open a relationship and the people in it into transformation.
Joli's website: https://www.jolihamilton.com/
The Year of Opening: https://www.jolihamilton.com/TYO
Individuation and Navigating Differences with Joli Hamilton
What happens when exploring different relationship styles reveals uncomfortable differences between you and a partner? In this episode, Libby talks with Dr. Joli Hamilton about polyamory as a sacred process of individuation and grief.
Joli's website: https://www.jolihamilton.com/
The Year of Opening: https://www.jolihamilton.com/TYO
Solo Polyamory with Crystal Byrd Farmer
Long-requested, Libby discusses solo polyamory with Crystal Byrd Farmer, author, organizer, diversity consultant.. and solo polyamorist.
SHOW LINKS:
Crystal's website: https://crystalbyrdfarmer.com/
Crystal's book: https://newsociety.com/books/t/the-token
Solo polyamory: https://solopoly.net/2014/12/05/what-is-solo-polyamory-my-take/
Polyamory and Neurodivergence with Alyssa Gonzalez Pt 2
In this part 2, Libby and Alyssa talk through some of the challenges that can show up in nonmonogamy for people who are neurodiverse
Polyamory and Neurodivergence with Alyssa Gonzalez Pt. 1
Libby and Alyssa discuss being neurodiverse and how polyamory and being neurodiverse can complement each other beautifully.
Triangulation
Triangles show up in relationships all over the place. In this episode Libby discusses triangulation, what it is, common ways it can show up in polyamory, and whether triangulation can harm or help.
When I Don't Use Boundaries
Libby talks through when she personally does NOT opt for boundaries, and why boundaries are often the last move she will make in navigating relationship difficulties.
What is a Boundary Violation? with Juliane Taylor Shore
Libby and Jules answer a listener who asks, "If boundaries are between you and you, then what is a boundary violation?" Jules also goes over her 6 steps to setting an external boundary.
Jules' Website: https://www.julianetaylorshore.com/
Jules Book, Setting Boundaries that Stick: https://bookshop.org/p/books/setting-boundaries-that-stick-how-neurobiology-can-help-you-rewire-your-brain-to-feel-safe-connected-and-empowered-juliane-taylor-shore/19642175
Your Brain on Boundaries with Juliane Taylor Shore
Libby is joined by author and therapist Juliane Taylor Shore to talk about internal boundaries and how crucial they are (even though they are often not talked about or overlooked when people talk about boundaries.)
Jules' Website: https://www.julianetaylorshore.com/
Jules Book, Setting Boundaries that Stick: https://bookshop.org/p/books/setting-boundaries-that-stick-how-neurobiology-can-help-you-rewire-your-brain-to-feel-safe-connected-and-empowered-juliane-taylor-shore/19642175
Codependence
The word "codependent" comes up a lot in polyamory spaces, but so often it is misused that it's losing its meaning. Libby talks about her dislike of the term, how she thinks it often is used to shame and pathologize perfectly normal human needs, and how she likes to talk about codependence differently.
Boundaries Aren't Magic
A lot of people are talking about boundaries now. But as Inigo Montoya once said, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." In this episode Libby explains that boundaries are not a magic way to get people to do what you want them to do.
Dating as a Couple
Polyamory After an Affair
Increasingly, Libby hears from folks who are interested in polyamory to solve a problem: either they or their partner cheated, and they want to repair and stay together, and nonmonogamy seems like a solution. In this episode, Libby outlines why it's rarely that simple.
The Heart Wants What it Wants
Libby offers an uncomfortable but necessary reality check: love alone doesn't conquer all.
Uhauling
Maybe you know the joke, maybe you don't, but showing up for a second date with a uhaul can be risky. In this episode, Libby goes over why she thinks cohabiting during the new relationship energy (NRE) phase might not be the best idea, and what to do instead.
What’s Your Story?
We all carry stories with us about who we are, our place in the world, how others will see us, and what's possible for our lives. Some of these stories are stories we like, some are stories we want to write a new ending to. But did you know that try as you might to change the story, there's an invisible force that may be acting on you that might sabotage your efforts? In this episode, Libby talks about how your very own brain can stop you from changing your story, and some ideas for what you can do about that.
Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain by Lisa Feldman Barrett: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9780358645597
Juliane Taylor Shore: https://www.cleariskind.com/
Implicit memory and memory reconsolidation: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10615-020-00754-z
Revoke Your Moral License
Do you sometimes use doing "the right" or "good' things as an excuse to then turn around and do "bad" or "selfish" things? There's a name for this - it's called moral licensing, and it may not just be messing up your goals, but possibly your relationships.
The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonagal: https://bookshop.org/a/91754/9781583335086
Article on Moral Licensing: https://www.businessinsider.com/what-moral-licensing-means-2017-11
Don't Ask, Don't Tell with Jessica Fern (Part 2)
In Part 2, Polysecure author, Jessica Fern and Libby talk about a very specific arrangement that relates to privacy/secrecy: the Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) relationship. Together they discuss why you might want a DADT arrangement, when it can work, and when it might not.
Polysecure books: https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-complete-polysecure-bundle-jessica-fern/19677933
Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off): https://www.swlovefest.com/events/southwest-love-fest-2023
Privacy, Secrecy, and Transparency with Jessica Fern (Part 1)
Polysecure author, Jessica Fern joins Libby to talk about a much-asked for topic, Privacy, Secrecy and Transparency. Together they share their own experiences, what they've learned, and how they advise people to handle sharing information. It can be tricky, but there are ways to make it easier!
Polysecure books: https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-complete-polysecure-bundle-jessica-fern/19677933
Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off): https://www.swlovefest.com/events/southwest-love-fest-2023
The Ladder of Accountability
Libby shares one of her favorite tools for owning your ish when you mess up with someone you care about.
Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off): https://www.swlovefest.com/events/southwest-love-fest-2023
What if We Don't Have Sex? With Chaneè Jackson Kendall
Chaneè and Libby answer a question from a listener who identifies as asexual who asked about non-sexual polyamorous relationships. Chaneè identifies as almost-megasexual, Libby identifies as greyace/demisexual, so you can imagine that it is a RICH conversation. They talk about nonsexual partnerships, chosen family, grief, vulnerability and choosing the love that you want for your life. This one is not to be missed!
Amatonormativity: https://elizabethbrake.com/amatonormativity
Relationship Smorgasbord: https://www.instagram.com/p/CS9n8mqL4ys/?hl=en
Southwest Lovefest (use code 'go slow' for 10% off):
Find Chaneè on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chaneespeaks/
The Intentional Polyamory Cohort: https://intentionalpolyamory.netlify.app/
Schedule time with Chaneè: https://calendly.com/ChaneeSpeaks
Relational Privilege with Akilah Riley-Richardson Part 2
In part 2 of Libby's conversation with Akilah Riley-Richardson, Akilah shares her PRIDE model for supporting couples who are working to create safety and resilience in their relationships.
Akilah's website: https://akilahrileyrichardson.com/
Relational Privilege and Sytemic Trauma Course: https://therapywisdom.com/relational-privilege-and-systemic-trauma/
Resmaa Menekem: My Grandmother's Hands: https://bookshop.org/p/books/my-grandmother-s-hands-racialized-trauma-and-the-pathway-to-mending-our-hearts-and-bodies-resmaa-menakem/6454227
Eduardo Duran: Healing the Soul Wound: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/1200619
Southwest Love Fest (use code "goslow" for 10% off!): https://www.swlovefest.com/
Relational Privilege with Akilah Riley-Richardson Part 1
In this episode, Libby talks with couples therapist and trauma specialist Akilah Riley-Richardson about relational privilege and how essential it is to create safety in order to find intimacy. (Part 1 of 2)
Akilah's website: https://akilahrileyrichardson.com/
Relational Privilege and Sytemic Trauma Course: https://therapywisdom.com/relational-privilege-and-systemic-trauma/
Resmaa Menekem: My Grandmother's Hands: https://bookshop.org/p/books/my-grandmother-s-hands-racialized-trauma-and-the-pathway-to-mending-our-hearts-and-bodies-resmaa-menakem/6454227
Southwest Love Fest (use code "goslow" for 10% off!): https://www.swlovefest.com/
Values and Belonging, Part 2
In Part 2 of this episode, Libby shares her journey to getting clear on her values, figuring out how to act within her integrity and how that led her to find her way to true belonging.
Braving the WIlderness by Brene Brown
Southwest Love Fest (Use code "GOSLOW" for a 10% discount)
Values and Belonging, Part 1
Libby introduces a new season of Making Polyamory Work with a very personal reflection on belonging, fitting in, values and integrity.
Coming Out To Your Kids
Libby and Catherine of Expansive Connection answer a listener question about coming out to older kids.
https://www.expansiveconnection.com/
https://www.expansiveconnection.com/enm
https://www.instagram.com/expansive.connection.coaching/
[Replay] The Holiday Minefield
Libby reviews some of the biggest challenges that can show up around the holiday season when you're non-monogamous and how to navigate them without exploding an already stressful season.
There's Nothing to Fear
LIbby talks about how important it is to talk about fears with our partners. How we respond when our partner shares a fear with us can make a tremendous difference in how we tend to them and ourselves.
New Information Shock
Libby describes the phenomenon known as New Information Shock and how to handle it when you encounter it in your relationships.
The Most Important Step of Repair
If you want to make a good repair, there's one step that Libby wishes people prioritized more.
Mia Mingus - The Four Parts of Accountability & How To Give A Genuine Apology: https://leavingevidence.wordpress.com/2019/12/18/how-to-give-a-good-apology-part-1-the-four-parts-of-accountability/
Repair Episode: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/slow-down-to-break-up?rq=repair
Are You Checking Out or Checking In?: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/are-you-checking-in-or-checking-out?rq=checking
Taming Your Whoosh: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/taming-your-whoosh
Dan Siegel Integrated Brain: https://www.successpodcast.com/show-notes/2019/1/9/the-simple-20-minute-exercise-that-rewires-your-brain-for-happiness-with-dr-dan-siegel
Breadcrumbing and Signposting
One tool that might help you with rocking-the-boat type conversations.
Agreements Are Great
Libby talks about why she likes agreements, what purpose they serve in relationships, and some things to watch out for when making them with your partners.
Why Predicting Future feelings is So Difficult: https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200825-why-predicting-our-future-feelings-is-so-difficult
Where Is This Going?
Libby speaks about the Relationship Escalator, and talks about some ways she has found to step off it.
Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: https://offescalator.com/
Solo Poly: https://solopoly.net/
How Do I Know if I'm Polyamorous?
Libby is joined by Multiamory's Dedeker Winston to answer a listener who asks two questions: How do I know if I'm polyamorous? And, how should I go about dating if I'm not sure?
Dedeker Winston: https://www.dedekerwinston.com/
Multiamory: https://www.multiamory.com/
Kathy Labriola's Jealousy Workbook: https://bookshop.org/books/the-jealousy-workbook-exercises-and-insights-for-managing-open-relationships/9780937609637
Food
Libby names the 10th relationship of a modern marriage: Food.
Leave Room in a Crisis
Libby talks about the costs of operating your time, energy, and attention at full capacity by default, and why it's worth considering intentionally having more downtime to recharge and also so that you have some room to push if there's a need or crisis.
Happiness is Other People: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/27/opinion/sunday/happiness-is-other-people.html
One Secret to Happiness: Relationships: https://www.thestatesman.com/lifestyle/75-year-harvard-study-1-scientific-secret-happiness-1503068121.html
Why Your Brain Needs More Downtime: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/mental-downtime/
Fuck your Dig Deep Button: https://www.instagram.com/tv/CcibA5bFq0D/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
9 Relationships of a Modern Marriage
Did you know that marriage as conventionally practiced in the 21st century (in a lot of the world at least) is actually like... 9 different relationships. In this episode, Libby explains those 9 relationships, and how what marriage is trying to do is pack a whole village into one other person. She asks the question, what could we do instead that might work better?
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SHOW LINKS
The Relational Nonmonogamy Circle: https://libbysinback.com/rnmc
Know Your Power
How empowered are you in your relationships? Have you stopped to notice where you might be disempowered... or too empowered? In this episode, Libby talks about power dynamics and how important it is to name them if you want to have relationally-empowered partnerships.
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Libby is presenting at Southwest Lovefest Virtual Con April 24th! https://www.swlovefest.com/virtualcon22
Want help creating empowered relationships? Check out the Relational Nonmonogamy Circle. Next cohort starts April 25. https://libbysinback.com/rnmc/
On Drop
Do you know what drop is? In this episode, Libby explains drop, what it is, why it's rough, and what you can do to make it a little easier to deal with.
Veto Happens
The relationship veto is a controversial topic in polyamory circles. Libby talks about what vetoes are, how they can happen without being called a veto, and how they aren't always a bad thing.
Yes Intent Does Matter
"Intent doesn't matter." That statement has cropped up in multiple conversations online and in person over the years. In this epsiode, Libby shares why that simply isn't true, at least not when it comes to a valued relationship.
For Your Mom
In this episode, Libby speaks to parents of adult polyamorous children who may be having a hard time with the idea.
SHOW LINKS:
It's Called Polyamory: https://thorntreepress.com/its-called-polyamory/
When Someone You Love is Polyamorous: https://thorntreepress.com/when-someone-you-love-is-polyamorous/
The Coffee Break Primer on Polyamory: https://adapowers.medium.com/the-coffee-break-polyamory-primer-6c64b4dc53de
This Heart Holds Many, My Life as the Nonbinary Millennial Child of a Polyamorous Family: https://thorntreepress.com/thisheartholdsmany/
The Polyamorists Next Door on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door
Are you Checking Out or Checking In?
One of the most important things in relationship is to act with intention rather than reactivity, but if we're so busy and distracted all the time, it's really hard to slow down enough to do anything but react when we're upset. Libby invites you to ask yourself this question, "Are you checking out or checking in?"
Show Links:
Your Smartphone is Making you Stupid: https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2017/08/a-sitting-phone-gathers-brain-dross/535476/
Proactive vs. Reactive: https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/307309
Smartphone addiction: https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2018/dopamine-smartphones-battle-time/
Tara Brach and RAIN: https://www.tarabrach.com/rain/