Marriage Family & Peace

In this episode, we discuss the benefits of gardening and how it can be therapeutic for us and our families!

How might a couple be unequally yoked? How will you notice if the person your dating is going to be different, once you are married? These are questions that we discuss on this podcast episode. 

The concept of not giving children consequences is growing in popularity. In this episode we discuss if it is a good idea to give children consequences. We also discuss tips on how to give the consequences. 

What happens when your spouse misses social cues? How do you interpret that? What do you do if you are the one who is missing social cues in your relationship? What approach do you have? We don't have all the answers, but we are happy to share our thoughts and ideas on our situation. 

This episode describes ideas about how to adjust to each other as newlyweds. 

Jesus, Ghandi, and Mother Teresa all said the same thing. When he lose ourselves, we find ourselves; when we find ourselves, we lose ourselves. There are two types of marriages. The unhappy type where two people constantly demand that the other person meets their needs. The happy type where two people stop thinking about themselves and enjoy loving and caring for the other person. 

Managing the anxiety of an affair can be difficult. In this episode we don't discuss how restoring trust can decrease the anxiety. We discuss how decreasing the anxiety can decrease the anxiety. Trust will be independent of decreasing the anxiety. 

Will your husband change when he understands how much something hurts you? Sometimes a husband is not aware that something he is doing is hurting you. Letting him know helps him become aware and helps him know that he needs to change an action. Some actions can be changed very quickly. Others take time to change. Some actions are multifaceted and require changes on multiple levels. These actions require effort, introspection, and trial and error. Just because your husband did not change right away, might not mean that he doesn't love you and doesn't care if you're hurt. It might mean that he is trying to change, but it is taking trial and error on his part. Instead of explaining over and over again how his actions hurt you, it may be helpful to try to understand why he is doing what he is doing. Guys tend to not be as introspective or as deep as women. If he tells you that he doesn't know, it is probably because he doesn't. Oftentimes men learn by doing. As he attempts to change the behavior, the understanding about why he cannot will become clearer. You seeking to understand why he wasn't able to perform a task accomplishes two things. The first thing it does, is it lends to helping you have empathy for your husband's failings. The second thing it does, is it requires your husband to be introspective. As he is being introspective, he will gain a better understanding of what he needs to change about himself. Don't think your husband will be as introspective as you can be. Men tend to be a lot simpler in the way they create meaning of the world. This doesn't mean that their understanding won't work. Simple understanding can create movement just as easily as complex understanding can. 

A lot of ladies are external processors. They need to talk things out in order to make sense of the emotions and thoughts they have in their mind. Sometimes ladies will bring up things from the past, not because they want to hurt their husband, but because it reminds them about something that is going on in the present and they are trying to make sense of it. 

A lot of husbands have a desire to be good at being a husband. When the wife comes to them to talk about a problem, they often feel like the wife is signaling that they are doing a bad job. This results in the husband getting instantly defensive. When this happens, the conversation goes awry and the wife is not able to talk through and organize her thoughts. 

If the husband can refrain from thinking that the wife is signaling that he is a bad husband, then he can do a better job at listening to his wife. If he can ask her questions about how she is feeling/thinking this can help her organize her thoughts. When she feels like her emotions are valid and her thoughts are organized, then she can put the thoughts to bed by coming up with a quick solution. 

This pattern of interaction doesn't apply to everyone. People are different. Not every lady is an external processor. This situation does happen enough that I thought I'd mention it on this podcast. 

Jesus is the author of Christianity. He indicated that his "yoke is easy" and his "burden is light." When going to church starts to stress us out, it is probably more about what we are thinking and less about what God is thinking. 

There aren't too many commandments to follow. Jesus indicated that the greatest commandments are to "love God and love our neighbor." When we start to feel smothered and restricted by the commandments, maybe our feelings of hardship are due to the way we are thinking about it. 

If religion is making us feel anxious and stressed out, maybe we need to change the way we are looking at it. 

I really look up to the customers that come in to see me for counseling. They are resilient, hard-working, and very smart. I'm being honest about that. I think they are great people. For whatever reason, we all tend to be on our A-game when we are by ourselves, but when our partner is involved we get tangled up in our emotions and we lose track of our senses. This segment is about common ways that we try to solve marriage problems. They do not work, but we try to make them work anyway. 

This episode contains some dos and dont's with kids and divorce. Suggestions about what helps the kids and what harms the kids in a post divorce situation. 

Sometimes we forget that fun is an important part of life. Without adding a little spice, we can become depressed, bored, and irritable. This sometimes results in unhealthy outlets. It is much better to find fun and wholesome ways to enjoy life, than to fall into an unhealthy outlet. Each person needs a different amount of spice in their life. Sometimes resentment can build up if we stifle our spouse from seeking out the wholesome fun that they crave. We often forget that fun is a necessary part of our spouse's mental health. 

https://anchor.fm/marriagefamilypeace/message

When you are trying to understand your partner, it helps to try and see the world through their eyes. This is done by trying to put yourself in your partner's shoes and then trying to understand what it is like to walk around in them. Your not only trying to feel what it is like, you are trying to understand their reasoning behind their choices and actions. When you can understand the reasoning behind their choices and actions, then your partner will open up to you at a deeper level. Once they feel understood at a deep level, it will be easier for them to want to understand you. 

In this episode we discuss why addictions take away freedom and how to get it back. We discuss how people use addictions to overcome depression and how to overcome depression without the use of addictions. 

We all are biased towards something or someone. Sometimes we are biased towards ourselves. We tend to overestimate our abilities and benevolence. Oftentimes we do this while we underestimate the benevolence of others in our family. If this happens we can build up resentment. This resentment results in us becoming irritated towards our family members which results in our family members withdrawing form us. The withdrawing can confirm our assumptions that the family member is not as invested as we are.

It's never a good idea to tolerate abuse. No one wants to get yelled at or put down. It is up to you to decide what to do when someone is hurtful. You can leave the conversation, leave the home, or leave the relationship. You cannot change the other person, no matter how hard you try. They can change themselves. If they don't want to change themselves, they do not have to. It is their choice. If you don't want to stand and listen to someone yell at you, you can leave. You also have a choice. There are consequences to those choices. Only you and God and decide what decision is right for you. 

Liza told a story about her brother, who worked as a butler. He was beat and yelled at. He was not given his salary, even though he worked there for a year. His boss ended up experiencing some painful karma. His skin started pealing off his body and he became infested with ants. He was in a lot of pain, but he couldn't die. He sought for her brother and asked him for forgiveness. Her brother forgave him and then he promptly died. Karma is not kind. 

Liza told a story about being upset at a local facility. She did not attend services and they made her pay because she did not withdraw in a method that they accepted. When she reversed it in her mind and she decided she was making a donation, her anger went away. 

When we have a problem and we redefine it as a solution, the body relaxes and lets go of anger. 

If my spouse is demanding that I fold the laundry in a specific way and I do it out of obligation, I might feel angry because I am framing the situation as a problem. If I choose to fold the laundry her specific way because I enjoy doing acts of love, I might feel joy because I am framing the situation as an act love. 

There are some troubles that come up when your kid has a cellphone. Kids can receive constant texts and phone calls from friends, requesting emotional support. Although being supportive is good, it was wear a person down emotionally if there are not any breaks taken. Kids should also be aware of the dangers of sexting and sextortion. 

Did you know that if you yell at someone, they will yell back. If you want the conversation to go well, be calm and kind when you talk to them. If you do this, you and your love will be happier. 

People complain that their spouse is unhappy and doesn't want to be around them. They fail to notice that if you treat people kind, they will want to be around you. If you treat people mean, they will want to distance themselves from you. If you build people up, they will be happier than if you tear them down. This will make them more pleasant to be around. 

Our self worth is unchanging. Our deficits are atoned through Jesus the Christ. Because of the atonement of Jesus, our intrinsic value is constant. Our emotions are not dependent upon our value changing. Our emotions change when we compare our current state to another state. We have the power to choose what state we are comparing ourselves to. This changes our emotions. Contentment and peace can also be found simply by not comparing one state to another.

This is a little story about me. It is a story about how feeling overwhelmed created a feeling of anxiety. It created a feeling of inadequacy. It also created erroneous perceptions of my wife's comments. When I let go of my unnecessary desires, I did not feel inadequate. I got the same amount of work accomplished. My focus was on what mattered. I also started interpreting comments more accurately. 

A couple does not need to place blame in order to solve a problem. Instead of focusing on who’s to blame, they can focus on solutions. It is helpful to keep a calm voice. It is also helpful to spend time trying to understand their partner. If a person does place blame, that are at risk for triggering past memories and trauma in their partner that may be very unpleasant for them. The partner will then be reacting to your blame in a visceral manner.

Sometimes we are motivated for the wrong reasons. We do things because we do not want to be criticized. We do things because we want to coerce someone into loving us. We do things because we want someone's opinion of us to be different.  When this happens, the person we are trying to change starts taking up residence in our head. We start hearing their voice dictate our actions and our decisions. As this occurs, we can build up frustration and animosity towards that person, because they are never quite satisfied. A different approach is to do things out of the desire of our own heart. We love because we desire to love, not because we are trying to achieve someone's affection. We work hard because we enjoy achievement, not because we are trying to gain approval. Doing things in an effort to gain someone's consideration can be very taxing and energy depleting. Doing things out of the desire of our heart can be energy building and rewarding, especially when the desire of our heart is pure. 

People with an internal locus of control believe that they change their environment. People with an external locus of control believes their environment changes them. When someone with an external locus of control marries someone with an internal locus of control, we have one person believing that all of their emotions and marital issues are because of the other person.

Traumatic events happen to us throughout our lives. Our body tries to avoid the traumatic event by causing us to avoid or become angry in situations that are similar to the traumatic event. We can retrain our bodies to respond differently to the triggers. 

Setting goals for ourselves is a useful tool. When we decide that we can only be content once we achieve our goals, then we will be feel less than enough. When we decide that our contentment is determined by us reaching that higher state, we will feel pressure to reach it. As the pressure mounts up, we start to frantically take measure of our progress. Our mind will start using others as a way to measure our progress. As we notice we are doing better than others, we will feel prideful. When we notice we are doing worse than others, we will feel jealous and worthless. If we let go of the idea that contentment is at the end of the coveting rainbow, we will reduce pressure on ourselves. We will allow ourselves to focus on what is around us. We will allow ourselves to enjoy the moment we are in. Our tendency to judge our position in comparison with others will dramatically decrease. 

Love can't be coerced. As people we become entitled and demanding of our spouse. We feel unloved so we demand that our spouse loves us. This doesn't work. Love is an experience. It isn't a commodity that can be demanded. 

Some people do not want to reward their children with a compliment or a tangible external reward. They want their child to be internally motivated to do good deeds. A child can be taught to be internally motivated. This podcast addresses some of the ways to accomplish this.

Some children have a low tolerance towards frustration. When they experience a frustration, they respond with a backlash of strong emotion. This sometimes includes yelling, screaming, crying, and fit throwing. It is often the initial response of care givers to want to remove the frustration so that the emotion will not be felt. A better approach is to allow the child to experience frustration on a small level and then gradually increase that level until they can tolerate large amounts of frustration. The child can be taught positive ways to manage their frustration, but they will not use those coping strategies if there is an easier way for them to express themselves. If the child feels emotions deeply, they might find it easier to scream than to use a positive coping strategy. Deterrents, such as consequences, should be in place to make the poor response to frustration a less desirable path than the positive response to frustration. The parent should limit interaction during the consequence, so the attention will not inadvertently reinforce the undesirable behavior. The parent should give an outpouring of love after the consequence has been completed, so the child continues to feel secure in their relationship with the parent. The parent should offer praise, every time the child makes attempts at managing their emotions in an appropriate manner.

When we pace someone that we are trying to help, we are moving at their rate of growth, not ours. When we outpace their rate of growth, we come across as being demanding or pushy. The person we are helping will often respond to that by growing less. If we use encouragement and love, the person we are helping is more likely to grow at a faster rate. People have their agency. If they do not want to grow, there isn't anything that we can do to make them. When this happens, it is best to be patient until that person can recognize their need to change. It is okay to point out the problem too them, but after the problem is pointed out, take a step back and wait. It takes time for people to digest information. 

Children need a place where they learn value, respect, putting others first, and developing a relationship with God. They are not going to learn that anywhere else, except in the home. Oftentimes they don’t even learn that in church. The home is the place for them to learn these values. One of the best times for them to learn these values is during family prayers and scripture study. It is this time that topics can be discussed and explored. Then as we apply those values in our daily interactions, the children learn how the scriptures and prayers are applicable in life.

People do not like certain emotions. For example, they don't like feeling disappointing, worthless, mistaken, or sad. When people need to have a conversation with themselves or with a loved one, conversations that provoke those emotions are often avoided or responded to poorly. The benefits of learning to tolerate those emotions are that a person can have those difficult conversations in a calm and caring manner. 

A lot of us are haunted by memories of mistakes. These memories become painful, when we think of them. When we react strongly to the memories, our body sees those memories as a threat. Our body's purpose is to keep us alive. When the body recognizes something as a threat, it will remember and remind us of the threat. Sometimes our body doesn't label the memory of as the threat. Sometimes our body labels the emotion that is invoked by the memory, as the threat. When this happens, our body starts responding to that emotion, as if it is threatening. Whenever we feel the emotion, we feel anxious or fearful. Sometimes we feel angry, in response to the emotion. When this occurs, a memory or an emotion can trigger an anxiety response that can last hours or days. This is occurring because our body recognizes the threat and is trying hard to get rid of it. We can train our body to relax, when we experience the threatening emotion or memory. As our body learns to relax in the presence of the trigger, our body reclassifies the trigger as non-threatening . When the trigger is no longer threatening, our body no longer exhibits anxiety in the presence of the memory or emotion. 

When a loved one dies, its very painful. One way to deal with grief is to find meaning. It is often hard to move on with life, after someone dies. There can be a lot of mixed feelings about enjoying life again. Finding meaning, helps people move on with their life. 

Shaping is a behavioral term. People often do things because they are either intrinsically rewarded (they feel good when they do it) or they are extrinsically rewarded (they receive something for doing it). If someone isn't intrinsically rewarded when they do something, they will do less of it, unless they are extrinsically rewarded. The concept behind shaping is that you offer a small external reward, when someone does something that you want them to do more more of.  When you offer an external reward, such as a "thank you," they will be more likely to do it again, because it was a pleasant experience to hear the word, "thank you." Some people respond differently to different rewards, a hug might mean more to someone than a verbal "thank you." If you want someone to do a specific behavior, wait until they make a small step towards that behavior. When the small step occurs, make it a pleasurable experience by expressing your gratitude, in a way that they would appreciate. As they do the behavior at a greater frequency and at a closer proximity toward the final step, continue to express your gratitude. If they slide backwards and do the behavior at a lessor frequency, don't yell at them because that would make the context a negative context. Instead, be silent about it. The absence of appreciation will be noticeable, if appreciation was expressed previously. When they start moving forward again, show appreciation again. This will make the experience pleasant. People gravitate toward pleasurable experiences. 

In Dr. Rosenhan's study, "On Being Sane in Insane Places" he demonstrated how a trained professional can wrongly assume a diagnosis.  Once the professionals labeled the patient, everything the patient did was interpreted as evidence for the diagnosis. When we diagnose our spouse, do we make the same mistake? When we diagnose our spouse as lazy or uncaring, do we mistakenly look for confirming evidence. Do we allow ourselves to look for disconfirming evidence?

What is emotional independence? How do you achieve it? How is it different from from emotional dependence?

We become so hyperfocused on the path of greatest resistance, that we often forget that there are other paths that will take us to our desired outcome. If we stop and take a step back from focusing on the most resistant path, we can start to see other ways of achieving our goal. If we take two steps back, really define what it is that we really want, and forget for a minute about how we think we are going to get there, even more possibilities will open up.

As possibilities open up, it will not matter if the path we prefer to take is blocked. If we have a stronger work ethic than our spouse, we can still become less overwhelmed, as we manage the other aspects of our life. We can lose weight, utilizing other means besides running. We can see all the different ways that happiness comes, even when money is limited.

The most resistant path is someone else’s agency. It is nearly impossible to plot a course for ourselves, when the path is against someone else’s agency. That person might be trying to work on their character and change those tendencies, but such growth can take a lifetime. If we are standing on the sidelines, tapping our foot, and waiting impatiently for them to change, their growth can take longer. If we have focused on their impediment for so long that we believe our only path to our happiness is for them to change, we will develop resentment toward them. When we take a step back and realize that we can achieve our own goals, without requiring someone else to change first, our resentment dissipates. When we realize that there are many possible paths available to us, on our journey to achieve our goals, we experience emotional freedom.

We assign meaning to our spouses actions. The meaning that we assign influences how we view our spouse. It can influence our mood for the rest of the day. If we make negative assumptions about what our spouse is thinking or feeling, we build up anger and animosity. If we make positive assumptions about our spouses actions, we feel loved and our love grows. There are circumstances when it is difficult to make positive assumptions. These circumstances can be, when we are tired, stressed, or anxious. It helps to remedy these circumstances, so we can develop a positive outlook. 

People communicate many messages, both verbal and nonverbal, that have ambiguous meanings. These messages are interpreted, based on past interactions. If a person constantly criticizes, their partner is likely to interpret ambiguous messages as a criticism. If a person is constantly praising and complimenting a partner, the partner is likely to interpret ambiguous messages as praise.

Some people have loved ones and friends who commit suicide, and they didn't even know the person was that depressed. This episode talks about why it is so difficult to recognize when someone is depressed. This episode also discusses how depression commonly effects people and what a person can do to overcome it. 

When kids are young, between ages 3-12, the overt rules will be the most important. When they are older, after age 12, the covert rules will be the most important to them. What you want your kids to be, you must work to model it.

The most powerful position in a relationship is the one-down position. The person in this position holds the most power because they are the least invested. The person that is the least invested in the argument can walk away, when it gets heated. The person who is least invested in the fight, can discontinue it. The person in the one-up position, can only be in that position if they have a willing participant.