EMERGE – Crisis Coaching by Mathias Maul

I just returned from a business trip to Japan. This time I took my son with me — his first time there. His business, of course, was more about delighting in the wonders of a world that was new to him. Right after we landed, still at the airport, he was euphoric when he noticed that people went out of their way to be attentive, present, and friendly.

We talked about this a lot, and after a day or two, it turned out that he was continually experiencing something that is much more common in Japan than in other parts of the world: Being seen.

Some of you might say, oh, the friendliness is just part of doing business, but even if it were so – and I’m convinced it’s not – then the ritual alone would still be enough to make a difference.

Being seen triggers something that is deeply rooted inside of us. Being seen, acknowledged, validated is a basic human need, even if only in one’s bare existence. Of course, this is neither exclusive to Japan, nor is it a cure-all for societal issues. What was so special on our trip, and what I sorely miss whenever I return from Japan is the effortlessness.

Cashiers, even at a kombini late at night, look you in the eyes while they hand you the receipt. Train conductors bow when entering and leaving a carriage. Single postcards are paper-wrapped meticulously, even the simplest – and ritualized – irasshaimase! when entering the simplest noodle shop triggers the feeling of being seen. And all of this seems to happen without the second thought, and probably even without a first, throughout professions, ages, situations.

I routinely work with people and teams that complain about not being seen. “I’m just a small cogwheel” they say, or “our team is seen just as a cost center in the company.” Acknowledging one another, however, is of course mutual. If you feel not seen by someone, ask yourself how clearly, if at all, you see and acknowledge them, their needs, values, even their basic existence. Then, consider reconnecting.

As an exercise, start with a cashier in a supermarket. Or the pizza guy who delivers your overtime dinner to the office. Or the homeless person you pass on your way to work every morning. You’ll earn some bewildered looks for sure. People are not used to being acknowledged, much less just for being there.

To prepare for this experiment, it’s helpful to learn to see, acknowledge, and validate yourself.

Before we left for the trip, my son was a centimeter shorter than me. Now, after we’ve returned, he’s taller. I’m taking this as a nice anecdote. Being seen helps to grow.

Over the years, I have established some habits when running in winter. As soon as outside temperatures hit seven degrees, I run with just a t-shirt and short pants, even when it’s windy, or raining, or both. And when I step out and head for the park, I’ve made it a habit to not flinch in response to the cold.

My body, of course, wants to nope out immediately. But 10 minutes in, I feel how I’m generating heat from the inside. Arms, legs, face, they are still cold to the touch, but mere millimetres below, the body starts glowing.

Other runners wear long sleeve shirts even when it’s 10 degrees or warmer, and even others run bare-chested in subzero temperatures. The exact temperature does not matter. What matters is that there is some point when your body wants to nope out, when you instinctively want to return to the warm bed, sofa, or even office chair. And what matters then is to not flinch, to continue, to realize what’s happening and get going.

And the bigger the difference between your noping-out temperature and your comfy temperature, the faster you’ll be able to get warm on your own. And this is very, very similar to changes in emotions or behaviors. The larger the delta between the current crisis-ridden state of mind and your goal, the faster you’ll be able to make change happen.

So if you are a runner, start by undressing. Feel cold on purpose, and practice warming yourself with your own resources. If you’re in a crisis, realize that to change, learning not to flinch in the face of adversity is the first step. Then, start running.

I’d like to be more efficient at work, Matt, a client told me recently. I must admit that I yawned a bit when he said that, I heard this sentence countless times. More efficient, more productive, more everything.  Nothing against getting better, of course. Many clients, however, do need some time, a couple of days or weeks, until they realize which of their goals are worth pursuing.

Ask yourself: what happens when you've become more efficient? What happens then? And then? And then? Continue asking yourself this question until you’ve reached a point that feels like it's part of you. Part of your true self. Again, this sounds as simple as it might be difficult to do. Pull through and you’ll notice that you’ll become more efficient, or productive, or everything, just by having an answer to this question.

Years ago I asked myself why I wanted to become more efficient and effective at work. One answer was: to allow myself to travel more. But this didn’t feel close enough to my true self. It was more like, like a reward, a treat. So I continued asking and realized that it was more about my son than about myself. I hadn’t been on a holiday when I was a kid, so taking him to see the world is as dear to my heart as he is.

Some years ago, my yoga teacher told me that the goal of the asanas – the physical exercises that are part of yoga – the goal is not to become as flexible as possible as is commonly thought. It’s also not to outdo the person on the map next to you in the studio.

The goal, he said, is to deliberately seek discomfort. To get your body, your limbs, into uncomfortable positions. Positions in which your joints and bones and muscles can barely hold you, and to get your mind into who position it would rather not be in. And then, when you're feeling as uncomfortable as you can, keep on breathing and holding and breathing.

Even after years of practicing yoga, the poses will still be uncomfortable. That’s the whole point.

What will change though is the way how you handle uncomfortable situations, both on the mat and at the office. And this, my teacher said, is a metaphor for life. You won’t be able to always avoid situations that are hard to hold. Your body, your mind, your emotions will be twisted into shapes that they have never been in before.

If this – no, when this happens –, it’s helpful if you’ve taken the time and determination to practise.

Yesterday, my son and I had a meeting with his class teacher. These meetings happen twice a year to gauge the development of students. The two had a conversation while I was sitting at the side, observing and listening because, well, it was their appointment, and I was the guest.

The teacher was happy with one improvement in particular: He said that my son had gained lots of self-confidence in the past half-year. And then, looking at him, he said: “Are you aware that you’re keeping eye contact with me … while we’re talking … all the time?” — To which my son replied: “Yeah, I do, and it confuses the hell out of me!”

Self-confidence is nothing that one can “have.” It’s something that you do. One way of acting – and thus being! – self-confident is keeping eye contact with others. The other one, going much deeper, and a bit more difficult to learn, is keeping eye contact with yourself. Look at yourself as you are. Yes, this might be confusing for you, just as it is confusing for my son to become more self-aware.

Confusion means growth.

I’m well aware that many people cannot or do not want to afford working with a coach or therapist. Today, I’m talking about two tools that can help you get along on your own. All URLs are in the show notes.

Woebot is a virtual CBT therapist. CBT means cognitive behavioral therapy, which is one of the best researched and most efficient frameworks for personal change currently known. Woebot is a joy to use. The conversation design is first class, and it does not pretend to be anything else than a bot— a very charming one. I’m using it myself and recommend it wholeheartedly.

Another tool … well, it's the elephant in the room, right? ChatGPT has made headlines recently and it does a very convincing job at seeming intelligent, unless specific advice is what you need. It is an excellent sidekick to help you tidy up your inner monologue. Just babble, let it summarize, associate freely, repeat.

In the 1960s, computer scientist Joseph Weizenbaum created ELIZA, one of the first programs that aimed to imitate a human being, or more specifically, a therapist practicing Active Listening, which is a part of Rogerian talk therapy. Joseph Weizenbaum was rather horrified though when users started to think that ELIZA was actually intelligent. They anthropomorphized a piece of software, which later became known as the ELIZA Effect. This was one of the experiences that led the A.I. pioneer to turn into one of the most vocal critics of the field.

Will tools like Woebot or ChatGPT replace human coaches and therapists? This question predates even Weizenbaum’s work. When I took machine learning and AI courses at university 25 years ago, we discussed the implications of programs like ELIZA. Would they make therapists obsolete? Well, I do hope that these tools will enable millions of people to get the help they need, but are unable to receive because of money, limited availability or stigmatization. Woebot and similar tools are just like junior consultants that can get a job done that is fixed in scope.

A human coach or therapist is like a personal project manager for your change process. I can see the intricate details of what you are made of and create a very specific, very efficient plan for changing every part of your self that you want or need changed.

There are probably parts of yourself that you haven’t been in contact with for years or even decades. But they are there somewhere below the surface or right behind this corner of that, like friends and experiences from years past. They do their part in defining your personality … your self.

Especially in times of crisis, of extreme instability, these parts tend to come out of the dark. When they reach the surface of your consciousness, they might be fun and interesting, or they might be anxious, panicked, frightening, or frightened. Whatever way these parts of your personality show up, please know that they need to be heard, seen and, possibly, loved.

Approach them with as little expectation as possible. Accept them as a part of who you are. Listen to their anxiety, their panic. Or join them in their happiness.

I’m repeating this today because it’s so important: Patience is an underrated skill that contributes to making personal change work, and to making this change sustainable. Remember the spaghetti analogy I introduced in my previous post: Whenever you change one of your behaviors, feelings, or attitude, this change will affect other parts of your self.

So … at the outset of any self transformational process, it’s helpful, really helpful to check on your skill of being patient. If you’re in a crisis, it’s understandable that you might find it hard to be patient, of course, but you need to consider it a crucial skill for any kind of change. Start small if necessary.

For example, with meditation – a standard method that helps developing your skill of being patient. Send me a message if you’re new to meditation, and I’ll recommend some starting points. And even with just a few minutes per day, you’ll see and feel results pretty quickly.

Change can be quick and simple. Feeling anxious when talking to a team or giving a speech? This typically takes just a few sessions to resolve, and most people can do this on their own, can do perfectly fine without coaching or therapy if they invest enough time and commitment.

Please be mindful though, that every change within your complex inner workings will have consequences. Your mind is not like a clockwork where a turn of a cogwheel produces clear results. It’s more like a convoluted, steaming - and wonderful - heap of spaghetti. When you move one noodle, you’re bound to move others as well, and they behave unpredictably. If you change parts of your behaviour, then other parts of your self might be surprised or confused. These unexpected changes can happen on the inside as well as on the outside. When your boss notices your new skills, you might get promoted, which in turn could create new opportunities or problems.

There are some simple tips to handle these effects when you’re working without a coach: don't overdo it, BE PATIENT and observe closely. Change only one behaviour at a time. Then, even and especially if you’re super, super happy and excited with the results, wait for a couple of days, or even better a couple of weeks, and closely observe how other parts of yourself are adapting to the change. It’s also helpful to write a change log and keep it up to date with your observations.

The term comfort zone is a coping strategy. I can’t count the times someone said to me, Hey Matt, I want to get out of my comfort zone. If it‘s comfortable, why get out? If you have reached a state of complacency, a state of just getting through the day somehow okay … how is this comfortable?

Whoever came up with the term comfortzone to describe an unwanted state might have done it with the best intentions. Same as the people who started calling problems “challenges” to try to hide the painful parts of problems. But good intentions are no guarantee for good results.

So watch your words as they reflect your inner workings. If there’s a state of mind that you would like to be in, love to be in, then this is your comfort zone. Find another term, another word for the state that you want to get out of.

There is a second reason why I advocate a half year minimum for any transformational process, especially when it is triggered by a crisis, and this reason is: exercise.

There are quite some research results that say that you need to practice a new skill for, say, 5,000 hours, 10,000 hours or 80,000 hours, depending on which study you read. But what they all have in common, and what’s quite obvious is that to master a skill, any skill, there needs to be some kind of exercise.

And this exercise can be self-guided, of course. But if you are in a situation where you have the feeling that you’re losing control, that everything is collapsing onto you, then it might be helpful to have someone at your side to watch your steps when you start exercising and who stays with you while you get better, and who lets you go when you've mastered all the skills that you need to master the transformation.

Someone on LinkedIn asked me yesterday: why the half-year minimum commitment? How can you be sure that it takes six months to turn a crisis into an opportunity?

Well, the truth is, of course, that I don’t know. No one can know in advance if a transformation takes a week, a month or a year. One reason for the half-year commitment minimum is that it has proven to be a good timeframe to build guardrails.

Imagine your transformational process as a bridge that spans a river. You’re going over the bridge, you want to go or you must go, or both. And when I arrive at your bridge and start walking at your side, I build guardrails. You can zig and zag, and you can take steps forward and back, and I’ll be with you all the time, maintaining and reinforcing the rails, making sure that you won't fall down and get carried away by the river.

Six months is a good timeframe for doing this, simply because after this half year, you’ll be able to maintain the guard rails by yourself. And there's another not as obvious reason. I’ll get to that in the next post.

There’s a nice little experiment – or game – that you can try … create a crisis! This will help you get on your toes if you've grown too complacent. Get a die, a standard six-sided one is enough, and whenever a decision is coming up, just write a list of your options 1 to 5. Then for number 6, write the decision that you would never, ever take. One that is so far outside of your comfort zone that you would never even consider it.

Then commit to doing what the die is telling you. Throw it. Do it. Creating small crises now and then helps you deal with the bigger ones. They will come and they will stay if you’re not prepared.

A common misconception is that the solution to crisis is stability, a predictable, stable life. I believe that this is a misguided, and actually harmful, view. Decades ago, my biology teacher said … there’s a word for a system—like a plant or human or a dog—there’s a word for a system that is completely stable.

This word is … dead.

You know, crisis is not the opposite of stability. A crisis is created through the interplay of events outside your sphere of control and your actions. And in coaching, the goal is not, or should not be, to reach a state of stability, but to create a perpetual state of mind where you can feel safe and act productively no matter what happens around you.

Most of my crisis coaching clients suffer from the same basic problem, or should I say, from the same basic illusion. They say that they’re losing control, control over their jobs, their lives, their businesses, their kids, their wives, boyfriends, whatever. What they don’t realize though is that they never had any control to begin with.

The, you know, the only thing, really, the only thing that you can control are your own thoughts and emotions. Nothing else. You might be able to influence others, of course, but you won’t ever be able to control anything but your mind and feelings. So if people are saying … they’re losing control, they cannot lose anything they never had.

And the problem of losing control is not a problem. It’s normality. And realizing this and acting accordingly is among the first important steps for resolving a crisis.