Melrose Place Cast

Imagine, if you will, Matt operating as a more dutiful best man / gay of honor for Michael and Sydney's wedding in season two? What would have happened if he had hired Rhonda's Culinary Funk to do the catering?

"Does Michael know about this?"

It is like Christmas in the spring time, because much to our surprise, BETSY JONES HAS ARRIVED! We were expecting Betsy as a season five specialty, but here she is, ready to go!

Additionally, Jo gets in on the blackmail business, although she's probably not going to be very good at it.

Richard is now working for Jane, so that's awkward.

Matt and Alan are in tuxedos on an altar, but sadly, there's a bride there as well.

Imagine, if you will, what life would have looked like on Melrose Place if they couldn't land Heather Locklear as a permanent cast member, but still needed to do some stunt casting.

What if they brought in: Monica Lewinski, looking to escape her scandal-prone life in DC, and Bozo The Clown, with a dark, and mysterious secret...

We're heading for the series finale, and thanks to IMDB's summary of this episode, I am spoiled by one of the main storylines - specifically what Anna is doing here.  No worries though, I won't ruin it for the podcast description, which I assume is read by only a small percentage of people who listen to this.

But, Julie's actual sister-friend, Anna (obnoxiously referred to as a step-sister over and over) shows up to get in good with Julie but she is rebuffed by phone, by the hot tub, and in the office.  She is just about to give up when Craig talks Julie into a little bit of forgiveness.

Adam and Grayson are doing a baby exchange, when baby falls off of a wagon and cuts his head.  At that moment, Grayson solemnly swears that they must never use Daniel (this baby's name) as a weapon against each other.  Whatever, by the end of the episode, when Adam won't mack up on Grayson, she says that if he leaves, he'll never see Daniel again - either they're one big happy family, or it's his son without a father.

Meanwhile, Grayson announces to the camera that Hookers, Inc. has a nice ring to it, and the first girl she's calling in to service is Carrie, who is hard on her luck because she is SO OLD (25?) and didn't save money from when she was young and hot.  Lessons learned.  Next up will most certainly be Sarah, as Grayson has Ben keeping an eye on her, and by "eye" we mean "drugs" and "on" we mean "in" but don't worry, by "her" we meant "her."

All this and more as Models, Inc. revs up to shut down ... unless season two is picked up by Netflix sometime soon!

I think we all know who stole the show this week: Madge and Mabel! If you're rewatching along with us, you will no doubt agree that the characters of the week are the cantankerous old bags who think Billy has guts giving them a kick butt campaign.

What else happened? Alycia and Peter are scheming to bring down Bobby. It seems clear to us that Peter is working Alycia with the lie about his father, but the writers haven't made it clear. Is it possible that they just wrote that into the script? Amanda continues to play naive here.

Ghost Brooke is gone, and we must protest.

Jo, Jane, Jake, Richard, who cares?

But the special joy that is Sydney - she really is that good.

The reboot hasn't happened ... YET.

Instead, we ask our robot to help us imagine a scenario where the characters of Melrose Place are now running a small college.

Scandal.

Tomfoolery.

Betrayal.

Kimberly's ghost.

I'd enroll.

Well, the time has come for us to say goodbye to our first title-screened character since Rhonda walked out of Melrose Place and into her suburban catering empire.

Brooke, we hardly knew ye. Your scheming face, your every-day-gal persona, and your blackmail skills have left a lasting mark on the Melrose Place universe.

You'll actually be missed.

Julie is growing and maturing as a person, as evidenced by setting up her boyfriend with a date.

Sarah decides to have an abortion, but then avoids a car accident, apparently losing the baby.

Cynthia is hospitalized, and has a heart to heart moment with Sarah and she decides she wants to live.

As always, the real story is with Grayson, Adam, and Monique.  This is all about paternity, and who is the father.  Surprise, it's Adam.

This show is getting so good and we're bummed that we know it's going to end soon.

Well, Mary continues to be offended by the offensive and offending episode titles - this one about Brooke playing the role of satan in a dripping dress from her accidental drowning.

We get into it this week - more fan mail, this time involving a purple urn, ala Paul Bearer in 1996. We also discuss Matt, Allen, and the alleged lesbian involved in their relationship.

We discuss Amanda and Bobby, but only out of contractual necessity. But Peter and Alycia are at least interesting in this whole mess.

What else? I don't remember - but you will once you watch this great episode with us!

What a sad loss of potential it was for all of the Models, Inc. characters to be sent away when Hillary closed the business.

Imagine, if you will, a scenario where David comes to LA, not knowing Amanda is his sister, and then...

This is the end, it appears, for Brooke. Everything important to her has been taken - her marriage, her feud with Alison, her job, her Daddy, her fiance, her baby, her house, it's all gone, gone gone. She falls, hits her head on the pool, and floats in the water. So....?

Meanwhile, Jake manifests a garage, allowing us to have perhaps the best zinger of the series, "I'm sorry, did I park in the middle of your company?"

Bobby and Amanda ... dear god make it stop. They continue continuing to continue the storyline, but we really just don't get the point.

Kimberly finds her way back into Michael's arms through the same way she left: an explosive car crash.

Is that too soon?

Matt's love triangle storyline is picking up steam, and we are here for it.

Laugh all you want, but this show is getting better and better.  If they had a little more time, this would have had a run as long as Melrose Place.

Cynthia's bulimia continues to worsen, causing her boyfriend to yell at her about her sexual assault in a public place and then break up with her at work as she is feeling lightheaded.  So his male feminist card is gone.

Julie buys the movie rights to Skin Deep for "a buck and a blow job" (that's our term, not the term on the show) - and she meets a writer who turns out to have missed her long lost love when they were supposed to get married because he never showed up to gate 201, flight 11.  Of course, we aren't dumb so we know where this is going - Craig turns out to have missed HIS long lost love when they were supposed to get married because she never showed up to flight 21, gate 1.  Oh, voice to text in the early 90s caused so much trouble.

Sarah, who coined the phrase, "at least you didn't sleep with a priest!" is now pregnant by said priest who is a good guy, as evidenced by the fact that he is white, but plays basketball at night with black kids.  #tiredtrope  Anyway, Sarah can't decide what to do about this darn baby, especially since her career is about to take off and she feels like Cindy Crawford.  Except, with a baby.

The story continues with Grayson, who promises she has something on Adam that will make sure he can never be rid of her.  Hijinx ensue as they track each other down, but it turns out that when Grayson left because of drugs, she actually had a BABY - Adam's baby!  Dun dun dun.

Who didn't see that coming?

Mary, of course.

Apparently, this was a play on the phrase "booby trap" - and it took Mary's English degree to figure it out. Bobby and Amanda are in mortal danger, although the end is not in doubt.

Sydney is eating the most godawful bagel situation you could imagine. Even Michael is grossed out.

Michael drugs Kimberly, and then is shocked that she doesn't want to get back together.

Jane is recovering nicely, and drags Jake's dirty ass boots into the pool. Yuck.

After the bombing, Michael would have had every right to be turned away from women.

After the false murder accusation and arrest, Matt would have had every right to be turned away from men.

But look, fellas still have needs....

What's more offensive to the universe - Melrose Place's lack of a second comma in the title, or the fact that Jane's storyline is, and I hate to say this, interesting?

Jane is mixed up with Sydney and Michael, plus a bit of Jo and Richard thanks to her paralysis. Sydney tries to shove her off into a nursing home, only to send her out into the ocean instead. Jake saves her.

Speaking of Jake and saved, Bobby Parezzi appears to have cleared Jake's debt with the goon, making Bobby a boss goon, making Amanda Woodward First Lady Goon.

Of course, because Bobby and Amanda are together again. Leaving Peter to scheme his way back into Amanda's heart, presumably by seducing Bobby's lawyer, who freed Matt from a murder charge.

Speaking of Matt, he is showing early signs of needing a little boost to make it through his studies while still going to wild canyon parties with Alan instead of Alison.

Wow, the Melrose Place writers were not concerned about sensitivity with their episode titles this season. I wonder if we are eventually going to learn that Darren Starr was the one who prevented things like this for the first three seasons?

We begin with Brooke's lifeless body being hauled out of her apartment, blood all over Billy, only for Peter to meaninglessly come down and say, "I'm a doctor. What's her status?" Why? Go back to Amanda's apartment! Later, while cleaning up the blood from his wife's suicide attempt, Alison comes by to confess her love to Billy. Awkward.

Matt and Alan have a tiff over secrets and withheld truths. Alan had a sugar daddy and Matt was arrested for first degree murder, so, you know, things even out?

Amanda and Peter and Bobby continue for no good reason. Peter is standing up to Bobby in impressive ways, which makes Amanda so hot she sleeps with Bobby.

Also, Sydney and Kimberly are conspiring to frame Richard for drugging Jane. Now Jo is in on it, and Sydney is essentially going to the police and telling them where she planted the tranquilizers.

Awww, these scamps on Melrose Place. So much mischief!

Oh, and Jake is told to be a goon but he can't bring himself to do it.

Just a quick little interlude into your regularly scheduled program to share our deliberations on naps.

Either Teege's standards are dropping, or this show is heating up just as it was about to get canceled.  You listen in and decide.

Monique is planning to scale back her wedding since Adam spent $5,000,000.00 on his divorce from Grayson to get her out of their lives for good.  (Spoiler alert: it didn't work!)  Grayson is now a co-owner of Models, Inc. and is sending Monique on junk shoots.  Nude modeling, mud baths, etc.  Fun times.

Eric is getting out of prostitution.

Cynthia is getting into bulimia.

Sarah goes to see her ex-boyfriend, Mark the Priest, as he delivers his first mass.  Of course, she ends the episode finding out she's pregnant.

Julie and Craig are seesawing back and forth, including Julie going on a date with a football player who is not the one who made Alison cheat on Billy.  Although he probably could have if he wanted.

Hillary and Grayson continue to have tension, and Grayson is UP TO SOMETHING.  She mysteriously tells Adam that she has something on him, saying, "You'll never guess what it is but believe me when I play my hand you'll never get rid of me.  

Adam can't imagine what this could be.

Y'all, go find you a copy of Models, Inc., and stick with it, because it's good!

What a wildly inappropriate title.

Jane is paralyzed from the drug-induced stroke thanks to Sydney. Kimberly gets Sydney to act as Jane's caregiver, meaning Jane, Sydney, and Michael are all living together in the Beach House like one happy family in an open relationship.

Matt has a live in boyfriend now, so that's an escalation.

Amanda and Peter continue the inevitable march towards a love triangle with Bobby Parezi, this time using Alison as a fourth wheel, ignoring the fact that she is very recently widowed.

Billy, meanwhile, finds out that Brooke wasn't ever pregnant, and announces loudly that he's leaving her, for good. Oh okay we'll see.

At long last, Mary is rescued from the basement and promises that today, on this good day, we will finally hear what happened to Puddle.

Also, we find out who has been talking about us online.

It's a Christmas Miracle!

In what was clearly a mid-season finale, Melrose Place amped up the drama!

Sydney accidentally kills (?) Jane, with tranqs prescribed by Kimberly.

Michael goes to a room full of doctors and demands that someone call 911 to ... get ... a ... doctor.

Peter and Amanda continue to warm to each other.

Jo has a change of heart about kicking Jane out of the business, but afterwards, Jane finds the paperwork so now she's super mad.

Brooke finds out the pregnancy was a fraud, just as we thought. But Billy is now totally into the idea of the baby and Brooke. So much so, that he pretended to have an affair with Alison.

I promise, it made sense in context.

Well, we are dealing with disordered eating in the most offensive way possible.  In fact, the boyfriend who recognized the problem had the audacity to say, "you've never looked better."  So that's not great.

There is some incredibly blocking - with three models, each in the same pose, on the same chair, on the same patio, reading the same book, lean forward in their chair in the same outrage at something that has been written about them.  "DRUNK?!?"  "CRAZED?!?"  "PORNO STAR?!?"  Yelled one at a time ... all correct.  Anyway, Sarah goes on the air and drags Julie, telling the nation that Julie has traded sex for jobs a bunch of times, and made sure everyone knew her full name.

So Julie turns Sarah's hair green, and in retaliation, Sarah brings Craig back just for Julie to sleep with him and then get in another fight.

Monique and Adam face a $5,000,000.00 question - should Adam sleep with Grayson in exchange for her giving up her share of the clubs and leaving forever?  Eventually, they agree to do it, but Adam isn't happy and threatens to rape Grayson, so she kicks him out and accepts the financial buy out instead.

Hillary is going to lose the agency, the bank is calling the loan.  To take her mind off things, she's hooked up with her friend's male prostitute, who turns out to be Eric.  Awkward.

Anyway, Hillary is bailed out by a mysterious investor, who turns out to be.....

Grayson.

#drama

The title makes virtually no sense. Maybe they mean two scheming redheads are together again? Who knows. Either way, here's the rundown:

Alison is back on the sauce, and Billy is going to be there to rescue her just as he makes it clear to everyone that he now hates his wife.

Amanda and Peter find their renewed romance threatened by Bobby Kennedy Jr. for some reason. The story line is difficult to make sense of, said the writers, but they put it on TV anyway.

Jane's plans to seduce Michael leads to Sydney trying to pretend to be open to an open relationship, but she can't do it, and somehow gets threatened by Michael to break up with her if she doesn't let him sleep with her sister.

Huh.

All this and more, as we work through the dolldrums of the middle season episodes where the pieces have not yet been reset to point towards a cliffhanger season finale.

At long last, after literally two years of taking a small joke WAY too far, we have finally been able to crack the case.

Puddle has been found, and those responsible ... well ... perhaps they're listening right now!

In what world is this an appropriate title for this episode? Join us for this, and other deep questions as we are firmly entering the middle of season four.

Hayley is gone, Alison is now a formerly blinded alcoholic widow with presumably no place to live, Billy is about to be a daddy and Brooke is furious and an adult orphan.

Amanda and Peter continue to progress, but Amanda is daydreaming about Bobby Kennedy. Which, aren't we all, as long as we're referring to Bobby Kennedy Sr.?

Kimberly is going to become a shrink. We begin the discussion aghast at that turn of events, but ultimately, acknowledge the restraint the writers of Melrose Place had in waiting until episode 13. Also, Kimberly, who would of course be on a first name basis with the LA PD, is able to bring in a tied up gentleman, with a confession, and the police just take him in?

Jo continues to get more suspicious of the game Jane is playing, but Richard reveals that he plans to dissolve the corporation. Meanwhile, literally no element of this love quadrangle is believable. Michael and Jane? Nope. Jo and Richard? Nop. Jane and Richard? Nah. Who else? I don't know - it just Michael and Sydney that make sense, even though Sydney is now suspicious of Jane's intentions.

This show, y'all, is something else.

Well, Adam turns out to be rather smart.  Something about getting shot through the heart with your own harpoon by your girlfriend/captive has a way of centering the mind.  He figures out that Ben and Grayson are in cahoots, and he sets up a scheme to catch them.  Grayson and Ben have Christmas Tree sex a generation before Lady Gaga's groundbreaking song of the same name, only for Ben and Adam to end up in a fist fight while Grayson claims that Ben "just wants to be like you when he grows up."

So, Grayson's out for blood, and the clubs. 

Models, Inc. then makes the most peculiar of choices - they send Carrie and Monique, played by the same actress who played Carrie's sister, into a tree farm for Carrie to talk about how this was something she used to do every year with her sister.

First of all - that's bogus, you hated your sister.

Second of all - don't remind us about the switcheroo with this actress.

Third of all - get on over to the matrix.

Sarah is becoming a diva.  A drunk diva, while she's at it.

Julie's ambition creates problems for her relationship with Craig, and he leaves Hawaii without her.  You might call Craig the Amanda Woodward of Models, Inc.

Also, we start the episode with some great AI arguments for why to reboot Models, Inc.

Happy Halloween!

What a wild ride season four continues to be! Kimberly is finding her sexual liberation, by seducing people at the radio station and the bar.

Jake and Shelly have quite the week! At the start, our notes say, "Shelly makes him breakfast at the cabin" and a few lines later it says "Shelly slashes at him with a butcher knife." So I don't think it's going to work out for these little scamps.

Amanda and Peter are continuing to be on again off again, with Bobby Not-Kennedy coming around.

Jane is playing games with Michael to get Richard back, although she seems to hate them both.

Alison leaves Melrose Place, giving her keys to Amanda and Brooke and Billy are going to move in to Brooke and Alison's old apartment to start a family. Happy days!

What didn't happen this week? Things continue to fly by at lightning speed.

Amanda is at Jack's ... funeral? As in, he's at a funeral home, with a signboard with his name on it, but this isn't the real funeral. Amanda needs to sign a contract on the casket to send the body back to the family in Florida. Also, it's a closed casket, because they did not want to pay for another Anthony Sabato Jr. appearance.

Kimberly desperately wants to be free from her bracelet that she has to wear JUST BECAUSE she blew up ONE city block and killed ONE woman with a heart attack / brick one / two punch. She is harassing Peter until he, a surgeon who gives women appendicitis, agrees that she's free.

Sydney moves in further with Michael, and throws him a 60s party. Her blackmail tape gets burned, but Michael doesn't hate having her around, and I guess that's her love language.

Alison sees Haley's angry side as a businessman.

Jo and Jane fight. Literally, Jane punches Jo in the face. Then, Jane decides to seduce Michael to make Richard jealous. Yeah, this is going to end well. (Editor's note: Teege does know how this story ends, but Mary does not. But we're both right - this isn't going to end well.)

Jake and Shelly are moving forward, even though she never gave him the password to the computer. We then see her stashing mad stacks of cash in a safe deposit box. Bum bum bum!!!!!

Look, there's only one explanation - this had to be sweeps week.

Come on board for this contentious episode. We recorded late, after a frustrating day, and Teege is audibly sick of it.

But in the episode - we talk about storylines that could have been an entire season long, started, resolved, and forgotten, all in one episode. Haley proposes to Alison, she crashes in a plane, professes her love to Billy, and marries Haley in Mexico.

Kimberly somehow forces Sydney out of her apartment and moves into THE BUILDING SHE BLEW UP. Mama, this is wild.

Jo also hides inside a massive phone booth at the pool and Teege's orneriness detours us to determine if that was realistic.

KISS MY BUTT?!?

Oh, the audacity of late-night television.  The coarseness of 90s nighttime soaps.  No wonder millennials turned out the way we (me, not Mary) did.

This week, Sarah's drinking is back and she yells "kiss my butt!" at a hiring manager.  Cut to Hillary, all raggy, yelling it right back at her.  Sarah continues being drunk, gets fired from Models, Inc. - but still lands a lucrative contract thanks to her shiny hair.

Cynthia is struggling through the recovery process as a victim of sexual assault.  Actual kudos to Models, Inc. for taking this seriously.  Is the recovery a bit soap opera fast?  Yes.  But they did address some real challenges in a serious way, so I'll give them their princess points.

Julie and Craig are moving in together, and he has money and she is in love with him even before she knew he had money so it's real.

But again, the real story is with Monique, the most beautiful ghost in America, Adam/Reed, the most harpooned ghost in America, and Grayson, the most alive ghost in America.  (See, because Adam/Reed thought she was dead?)  Anyway, Grayson moves into the guest room, hits on Adam, so he kicks her back out.  She attempts suicide so she's back in.  It's on again / off agian with Monique and Adam/Reed.  Will these kids ever catch a break?

We are zooming in on the series finale, and Mary is coming to terms with the reality that she will need to watch another episode of this show soon.

Well, nine months from now.

Things are just getting wilder and wilder. And we're not just referring to the actor who played Reed Carter / Adam Louder!

Amanda is standing vigil at Jack's bedside, reasonably confusing the nurse into believing that Amanda is praying for a speedy recovery. Instead, Amanda whispers death threats in his ear, considers pulling the plug, and beats Jack until he dies, leaving Sydney in the doorway to make it clear that she's here to enter the main event plot and blackmail Amanda, while wearing a stunning hat.

The in-law relationships continue to be messed up. Jake sleeps with Shelly while Jo walks in at the same time Alison continues to sleep with Billy's father-in-law. They've moved in, as you'll remember, and Alison sneaks into a shrine room to Haley's ex-wife. It makes no sense, so let's just move on. But not before we relish the line delivery of Kristen Davis to Alison: "I'd like a progress report on my father's account." "How do you like living in my house?"

Kimberly is now FULLY sane. Nothing to worry about there. Nothing to see here. She just numbs her hand with a bucket of ice, takes a shot of whiskey, and CRUSHES HER HAND IN A WAFFLE IRON to get her bracelet off. When she later is asked by none other than DOCTOR JOYCE BROTHERS, she explains she had an ironing accident. Also, this crushed hand is being treated only by an ace bandage. Okay.

Matt is back to his social causes t-shirt, this time celebrating the Tanqueray AIDS ride. He's back in medical school, which remains a terrible plot hole, but didn't pass his test. Except Dr. Michael Mancini returns the falsified records favor and changes Matt's failing 498 into a passing 502.

There's some shenanigans happening with Richard. He is taking Jane and Jo to Hawaii, then ships Jane off to New York, and tells Jo that he wouldn't mind a little romance. Bad boss. Jo tells him off, and goes to reunite with Jake, who doesn't stop from sleeping with his dead brother's wife just because his girlfriend walks in.

And that, my friends, is Melrose Place.

Would you believe it - after nearly two years, we have managed to find Puddle!  It is unclear from our tipsters if Puddle is alive or dead, either gifting his fortune to an unfortunate or blowing up with the unfortunate in a rocket elevator.  Either way, we are HOT ON THE TAIL of sweet, sweet, murderer of children Puddle.

If you or anyone you know has information on the whereabouts of Puddle, please post to social media using #justiceforpuddle or email your hot tip to melroseplacecast@gmail.com Together, we will #findpuddle

Kimberly is the main character this week, and we couldn't be happier. She manages to be the central argument for all three of Mary's points this week. She confronts fake Henry, fights with Michael on Dr. Joyce Brothers' radio show, and gets called a poor, deluded psycho by Sydney.

Meanwhile, Richard tells Jo he is Ricardo, Designer of Clothes, Ravager of Women. Some ethnic stereotypes coming in a bit too strong there, but we see what's happening. Jo and Richard are working closer together just as Jane pushed herself away and Jake feels that Jo is too busy for him. Okay, we get it Melrose Place, let's hurry up and get there.

Alison is now IN LOVE with Haley Armstrong, and tells Brooke, "I'm moving in with your father." So, that was fast.

Amanda deals with Jack Parezi the same way Linda dealt with Chris on Models, Inc. - she tumbles him down the stairs. This time though, Jack goes over the railing, through the chandelier, and then woopsy doopsy, off to the ground. Peter covers for Amanda, and even Michael won't scheme his way into this.

Against all odds, the Models, Inc. 'Cast is back thanks to some legally questionable video acquisition practices by sweet guest star Gail.

This week, Julie decides to stay with her stud boyfriend after threatening to ruin his life, only to see that he has moved out of his apartment, taken all his belongings, and left the place down to the studs.

Carrie passes a note to Hillary and triggers the investigation needed to catch Dr. Sex in his scheme to, in the words of Hillary Michaels, "make sex slaves" out of his patients.  So I don't think that budding romance is going well.

Cynthia moves out of Brian's place in the aftermath of her traumatic kidnapping and assault by stalker guy.

Eric gets punched in the face, America cheers, all because one of his prostitution clients told her husband that they were having a real affair.  Eric says it's a business arrangement, or at least it started that way.

But the real story is Grayson!  Grayson is back, and she is here to get Adam back.  She throws shade at Monique, touching her boob and saying it's all silicone, drives a wedge between Monique and Adam, and reveals the reason for her disappearance: she loved Adam too much.  Well, Ben the business partner is a shady character and tells her he knows the tea, she's still on drugs and left with a guy.  So they scheme that if Ben helps Grayson, Grayson will "give him a piece."

Also, Grayson uses the most dramatic Soap Opera Voice (TM) imaginable.

Y'all, let's hear it for Gail for tracking down these episodes!

Yes, we know that the title of the episode reads differently in different places, but we are sticking with what the source material (Paramount Plus) tells us.

This week, eight story lines converge in one awesome Melrose Place Party. We Survived The Blast Of '95! Everyone, except Mackenzie Hart, is invited.

The party was decidedly awful. Michael and Sydney showed up eating all of the meatballs and tormenting Kimberly. Kimberly showed up to apologize, stayed for the ENTIRE PARTY, and then went down in the basement to meet Henry. Peter Burns who TRIED TO REMOVE AMANDA WOODWARD'S VITAL ORGANS TO MURDER HER told her to watch out for her husband.

Jane and Richard are coming apart, with Richard starting his own company for his men's wear line. Men's wear, by the way, is not a real thing for fashion innovation.

Jake and Jo are also pulling apart, right at the time that Shelly is coming on hard and strong to Jake.

In an incredibly uncomfortable moment, Brooke asks Alison how sex with Brooke's daddy compares to sex with Brooke's husband. What the actual eff, y'all?

Finally, Jack Parezi pushes himself into D&D (Thank you, Brooke), then into the Blast of '95 Bash (Thank you, Brooke), and tricks Amanda into coming to his new LA mansion alone to meet his fiance, who turns out to be, DUN DUN DUN, Amanda.

An important announcement for all fans of the Melrose Place 'Cast, Norma Rae, Teamsters, and Hollywood Executives:

We're On Strike!

In what is literally the least we can do, standing in solidarity with the Writer's Guild of America and members of the Screen Actors Guild, we are taking down all of our scheduled episodes for the month of August.

See you in September, Sisters!

People of all ages - we found Puddle!  Puddle is alive, running around with nazis, and trying so hard to save Daddy's life by getting him some sweet sweet Stanley Cup Soup.  

Finally, we can put this spin off to rest!

Or can we?

If you or anyone you know has information on the whereabouts of Puddle, please post to social media using #justiceforpuddle or email your hot tip to melroseplacecast@gmail.com Together, we will #findpuddle

Brooke starts to become aware of a budding romance between Alison and Daddy thanks to a huge bouquet of rose buds coming from Daddy's favorite flower shop. Of course, that is the most strained line of logic to make the plot work, but it's probably good enough.

Jane's mutiny is decidedly boring - hardly a mutiny if you ask us. And, you're downloading this episode, so we'd say you are asking us. But, the feud between Jane and Jo is starting now, as Jo is oddly invested in whether or not Jane loves Richard. At their engagement party, Jo tells Richard that Jane doesn't love him. When asked by Richard, Jane refused to say she loved him, only suggesting that "in time" - she will. Yawn. Let's get this Richard story line cooking, please.

Kimberly is released, leading to one of the most hilarious scenes, as Sydney knocks on Peter's door, only to find Kimberly, with a "gadget" on her wrist.

Of course, Kimberly was offended that the state might want to keep track of her with that gadget, after just one little apartment building bombing.

Okay, we are now fully reset from the season three finale. Bring on the new direction!

At this point, Models, Inc. knew they were in trouble and needed to boost the ratings to get renewed.  They did that by featuring Lara Harris (who's that?) and Emma Samms appearing as Grayson.  Who is Emma Samms?  Who knows.  But they made it clear this was a big deal.  She looks a bit like Lillith from Frasier.

Anyway - five distinct story lines.

Carrie is playing along with Dr. Sex to get released, but he realizes that she's been faking taking her pills, so he gets Hillary to lock her up in the home for six months.

Eric has found himself engaged in prostitution as a stud with an attitude, a fact that Linda is not thrilled with.  "Sleep with as many horny rich ladies as you want." she says, but I don't think she means it.

Julie is continuing to fall in love with Craig, and even though she breaks up with him, she can't bring herself to sleep with a photographer to get a job.  So she yells at Craig, sleeps with him, gets back together, finds his safe, reads his book, and boom, she's out of there.

Monique and Adam are getting married, already have a wedding shower, and apparently Hillary is like a mother to Monique so Monique will wear Hillary's wedding dress and Hillary will give Monique away at her wedding.  Remember, it was only on episode 8 that Monique walked in to Models, Inc., having never met Hillary before.  But then Grayson returns home, so what now?

But the drama is with Cynthia and Brian's failed efforts to rescue her.  Cynthia is sexually assaulted, shoots Frank, all despite Brian's best efforts to apparently let her stay caught. Then, we have to watch Cynthia get grilled by a nurse trying to validate the rape.  This whole thing is terrible.

Mary still refuses to watch the show.

It's a draw this week, if we discount the vote of our special guest, Gen Z expert, Nick.

Kimberly's backstory and psychological trauma is revealed, as she witnessed her mother brutally attacked, and then killed the assailant. The assailant is back to haunt Kimberly, as the voice in her head telling her to kill Michael Mancini.

Jack Parezi is legit in LA, and flirting with / stalking Brooke trying to find Amanda. To confirm: he can track everything about Brooke, based on her walking into his house one time and asking about Amanda, but has never been able to find Amanda, who appears to have reverted back to her maiden name.

Jane and Richard continue to hate each other and are engaged.

Matt is suing Calvin Hobbs for sexual discrimination, and Michael has a scheme in mind to become Chief of Staff.

Jake continues to yo-yo with Jo, this time because Shelly went to the pool in a bikini.

If that doesn't get you, the riveting discussion on titty bibs most definitely will.

What a relief, what a surprise, what a positive development!  Puddle, it turns out, is a science teacher, educating America's children through tangible, hands-on experiences in pipes, digestive tracks, mucus membranes, and space!  We discuss how you can be a good teacher without earning the ire and protest power of suburban Karens everywhere, how witchcraft might be involved, and if "wild red hair" is the style Puddle would have gone for.

If you or anyone you know has information on the whereabouts of Puddle, please post to social media using #justiceforpuddle or email your hot tip to melroseplacecast@gmail.com Together, we will #findpuddle

Look, if you've been worried about the devious attempt by Haley Armstrong to get Brooke to divorce Billy just two episodes after he enthusiastically paid for the wedding and created a job in Hong Kong to get rid of Alison, let it go! Clearly, the writers have. Another week, and there's no reference to this divorce blackmail.

Speaking of blackmail, Brooke has successfully pulled it off, got herself promoted, a corner office, and Alison demoted.

Alison's sight is back, and Billy acts a fool to figure it out. Shocking.

The real fire is with the redheads. Michael and Sydney hook up, to go taunt Kimberly, making her crazier. Michael then dumps Sydney, who quits Burns-Mancini. Sensing an opportunity, Peter bribes her to stay and spy on Michael. Sydney is insistent that she be called a spy. Like, adamant.

Shelly Hanson is taking a shower in Jake's apartment, prompting frustration from Jo.

Also, no Matt this episode? Maybe?

We are joined by Gail, who has never seen or heard anything about this show.  Near the end we realize that she thought this was a reality show, so let that tell you whatever it needs to about the writing of this show or the production of reality tv.

Julie gets suspicious that Craig might actually have a lot of money, something that is confirmed.  It turns out surfer Craig is actually writing a book about these models under a fake name and one of the key plots is a model who will do anything to marry a rich husband.

Carrie tries to set up Dr. Sex by having Sarah as bait, but Dr. Sex outsmarts them when he sees a photo of Sarah on Hillary's desk.  The review board meets, and with Hillary's signature, Carrie will be taken away and institutionalized because Dr. Sex has convinced everyone that she is crazy.

Monique and Adam get engaged because in looking for the drug dealers in his club, there's a shoot out, Monique is held at gunpoint, therefore almost dying twice on this show.  That life or death moment is all Adam needed to know he needs to be with Monique.  BUT scenes from next week reveal that Grayson is actually coming back, played by Dynasty's Ella Sams, whoever that is.

Cynthia continues to be as goofy as you could be while under threat of a stalker.  She leaves her apartment unlocked, runs out unprotected into the hallway where her stalker has already proven he's willing to go, all while her boyfriend rejoices in setting the stalker off.  This is what they wanted, see?  Well, now the stalker has actually kidnapped Cynthia, successfully convincing the police that she left on her own because "she took everything, her soaps, her lotions..."  #ladystuff

All this and more on this week's great episode of Models, Incorporated.

Do you remember all of the storylines from last week?

WELL FORGET ABOUT THEM - because the writers sure did.

No evidence of Brooke's Daddy's Divorce Demand has come up at all.

But the Amanda Parezi storyline is about to begin!

Jake and Jo are absolutely not going to be a couple again. Of course, they're hooking up by the end.

Speaking of the end, Paul gets shot by the police, and makes a death-floor confession in front of Matt, his lawyer, and the police that he set Matt up.

So Matt's free, Paul's gone, and as far as we can tell, all murder charges against Jo, Jake, and Matt are cleared up. The attempted murder charges against Sydney and Kimberly are also gone. That leaves more space for the potential murder charge against Kimberly for killing Mackenzie Hart with a brick hit / heart attack.

Things just keep spicing up.

Peter is, for some reason, trying to rescue Kimberly from the consequences of her bombing.

Sydney and Amanda are still living together, a plot with so much potential that is never appropriately explored.

Blind Alison continues to draw Billy's attention, much to Brooke's chagrin.

Broke's father demands Brooke divorce Billy if she wants $100,000.

Jane keeps pushing, pushing, pushing her way in to Richard.

And Sydney gets hired by Mancini Burns Medical Practice.

The explosion is finally here! A finale that was rewritten from a crashing plane to a bombing due to terrorism had to be delayed from the season three finale to the season four opening due to terrorism airs on .... 9/11. Yes, Teege calls this art.

We're back, and wow are there a lot of things going on. Jane Mancini is being nasty but in a boring way.

Sydney and Amanda are going to be living together.

Jake apparently only has to deal with a limp after killing his brother.

Billy and Brooke are having some troubles as Daddy gets way too involved and Billy leaves to go live in a bombed out apartment.

Alison is temporarily blind but is planning to trick Billy.

Amanda brings flowers and tells Alison she should see them. Ha.

Matt is SEXY AS HELL in his bright blue prison outfit. S E X Y.

Listen, there are just four storylines of significance now that Sarah is cast to the side.  She just roves through a few other storylines saying things like, "at least you didn't sleep with a priest!"

Carrie is sleeping with her secret psychologist, but so is Hillary!  Carrie confronts them, and the doctor says she is crazy and since Hillary is Carrie's power of attorney (I'm sorry, what?) - she is going to be committed to Faircrest, which could also be thought of as Pity Me Pines.  Is she going to be involuntarily locked up for sleeping with her psychologist who was manipulating her and she didn't know was a psychologist?  Sure, but at least she didn't sleep with a priest.

Linda turns down a great ad campaign so that she can try out for a movie, causing Hillary to break character and plainly say, "you don't know how to act."  But, she gets the part and has to rehearse lines about being in an abusive relationship with Eric, formerly her abusive relationship partner.  It's awkward and uncomfortable, but at least she didn't sleep with a priest.

Julie and Craig get together, after he literally takes her against her will out of the model house into his apartment down the beach.  But he leaves the door open and says she can leave, but that he won't be coming after her.  She sleeps with her kidnapper, giving in to her desire, literally rewarding the worst behavior imaginable.  But hey, at least she didn't sleep with a priest.

Monique and Adam are broken up because he found Grayson, his ex-wife.  He breaks into her hotel room when he finds out she is in there with another man.  Holds him at gun point, only to find out it wasn't Grayson, causing him to deliver the line, "It's not Grayson you stupid bastard!"  He goes to Monique and says he wants to be with her since his wife is gone, and she cancels her plans to move to New York to be with her boyfriend now that his first choice is gone.  Is it settling?  Sure, but at least she didn't sleep with a priest.

Finally, Cynthia.  Oh, sweet Cynthia.  The stalker issues are pretty intense.  Police can't arrest him because he didn't break any laws.  Hilarity ensues as the stalker keeps coming up in their space, causing Brian to beat on him like he's a rug and it's Sunday in Germany.  As in, beating on him outside with a stick.  But the stick is his hand.  Look, I can't explain it.  Because Brian attacked the stalker, the judge says, "Mr. Thompson had not violated my restraining order when you violated him."  That line lands differently in 2022 than 1995 but whatev.  So fine, Cynthia and Brian decide to intentionally drive the stalker crazy, so they have romantic passionate sex in front of the open windows.  Did they infuriate a dangerous stalker?  Yes, but hey, at least she didn't sleep with a priest.

Y'all really should be watching this show.