The Mike O'Reilly Show
By Mike O'Reilly
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The Mike O'Reilly ShowApr 12, 2019
The WikiLeaks of Restaurant-Critics Burns Burger King's "Impossible Burger" with Conspiracy-Like Accuracy, Introducing Toby Fuller
Now you can watch Mike too! http://bit.ly/mike-oreilly-youtube
Welcome to the 20th ever episode of the Mike O'Reilly Show, News & Reporting and getting the facts. Today's episode is sponsored by CrazyDates.com.
Are you looking for a date who’s completely NUTS?
On a scale of 1-trainwreck, aren’t you’re looking for a total and absolute “CRASH-into-brick-wall” experience.
I mean, why settle for a typical tuesday, boring old argument in a restaurant on a first date when you can have a full-on wacky-attack, fists, kicks and all.... and yes, guaranteed on the FIRST date to be one of the most awkward, embarrassing and crazy-inducing dates you have ever had!
As one user put it: “CrazyDates is the most fun I’ve ever had. I expected her to just be weird, but when she flipped on her crazy switch - not only was she silent the entire time, she even threw salt in my eyes, and drop-kicked me after asking her how old she was - so much more fun than the one night stands we’re all bored of.”
So if you’re sick and tired of prom queens, preppies and puppies - it’s time you got in the cage with a full on rabid dog.
Mike O’Reilly introduces and endorses the next trend in app-dating: CrazyDates.com
Instead of choosing your ideal mate based on logic and algorithms - which is SOOO 2018 - find your adam, eve or snake based on your personal preference of...CRAZY.
Here’s how it works:
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We recommend starting-off with our lighter passive-aggressive or gas lighting mode and once you’re bored with that lower level of abuse, you can easily progress into “foaming mouth” mode with just a simple swipe of most enabling finger.
After completing your third date, you’ll be upgraded from “Enabler” to “Victim”. After 10 dates you can achieve our highest “911” status.
Because the biggest mistake we’ve seen in our beloved family of 3.7 users, is settling for emotional pain when you can have the full on re-birth experience, experiencing the same pain as a woman giving birth itself. If not, more painful.
Trust us, when your date gives you a camel clutch during dessert, as she stuffs the cheesecake into your mouth with the force of a doberman - you won’t be bored. At all. Guaranteed or just delete your app. Free.
Yep, it’s that simple.
Go to CrazyDates.com/foaming-mouth-mike and get your first month free.
CrazyDates - Stop boring-old ‘enabling’ and start suffering like a boss.
Get Mike's live reports on Twitter: https://twitter.com/mikeoreillyshow
Blanche from the Amazon Clarifies Cracks in Government from Omaha without Nadine
Welcome to the 19th ever episode of the Mike O’Reilly Show, News & Reporting & Getting the Facts. Today’s episode is sponsored by britishbutlers.com
Tell me if this sounds way too familiar...
You get up, get ready, and by the time your brain thinks "Shower", your heart says
TOO
MUCH
WORK
I mean, who has the energy for
- taking off the clothes
- getting into the shower
- turning the water on
- Knowing when to stop showering - how do you figure that out?
- finding the right soap
- knowing where to lather yourself
- in what order
- when do I do the shampoo
- or is today not even a shampoo day?
... and like a good bollywood movie, it gets worse...
- Finding the right silk shirt to wear
- One that matches your sweatpants
- figuring out how to put your socks on without hurting yourself
- Oh wait, my nails are too long, now what?
- What's a nail clipper - can't even find one - maybe I'll use scissors... "just this once"?
I could go ON!
Getting ready in the morning has become a living nightmare, right?
Wouldn't you rather invest your hard earned money in getting the help you so desperately need...like a boss?
Well friends, the wait is finally over.
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With just a swipe of your most available finger, you can have your own butler thrilled for the opportunity to serve you, doing all the dirty work you can't handle.
Because good 'ol Jeeves lives to serve and serves to live - doing anything from putting on your silk shirts the proper way to shaving your cat.
Sign up today for a free, 1 day trial by going to britishbutlers.com/mike - and when you do, we'll also throw in a custom hand towel, signed by principal of the British Butler Institute, Gary Williams himself baby.
britishbutlers - Fear bathing no more, that’s what jeeves is for.
For more Mike, go to his YouTube channel and subscribe like a boss: bit.ly/mike-oreilly-youtube
Rafi Cooder: Celebrity Chef, Life-Hacker, NRA Member & Whale Hunter Reports Live from Moab, Utah
Welcome to the 18th ever episode of the Mike O'Reilly Show, News & Reporting and getting the facts. Today's episode is sponsored by HappyFamily.io.
Do you feel way too limited by your physical friends and family?
Do you lie awake at night wishing you could click a button and get a new, better set of family and friends?
Here’s the stellar news from our crackpot newsroom...
Now you can have your family dream go from “Liar Liar” to Family-Ties → Introducing HappyFamily.io: The family you always wanted, but technology wouldn’t let you have.
Choose from an almost too-good-to-be-true array of Virtual spouses who can change based on our machine learning algorithms adapting to your ever changing whims and needs.
- Don’t blondes have more fun? Now your grandmother is a golden blonde golden girl with a swipe of your favorite swiping finger under our “hair” menu
- Want your father to sound like Morgan Freeman? Maybe even Jackie Chan? Just say, “Change Dad’s voice” and your dad is now Jackie Chan.
- Hate those constant nagging, “Can you take out the garbage” requests from your wife? Click those nags into into her doing the dirty work to now say, ““Hey Honey, I’ll take out the garbage tonight and every night”
How about kids? You got it.
- Virtual children, pick and choose from different ethnicities, personalities, numbers, talents and looks. Want black children from two white parents? Just touch the skin color of your progeny inside your VR gear and voila - your jungle fever is now at an all time mocha high.
- Virtual Family Dinners - choose from a wide range of meals, locations, restaurants and even dinner conversations.
You can even choose a different year!
Want to have two kids, a wife, puppy and suburban home in 1976 where you work as a Fireman during the Ford administration? Just click 1976 under your “years” tab and voila - you’ve got orange bell bottoms on too.
Sign up today and get a free t-shirt signed by our co-founder Marty Spellbinder that says, “I’m your father”
Go to happyfamily.io/mike and sign up today for only $19/mo + a one time non-fefundable fee.
Happyfamily.io - the new American dream come virtually true.
The "Sleep Guru" Alan Evans Promises 100% Productivity With His "Winking" Method Cure for Insomnia
Welcome to the 17th ever episode of the Mike O'Reilly Show, News & Reporting and getting the facts. Today's episode is sponsored by Tobacco.com.
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Meghan Markle’s Distant Third Cousin Claims Seat to Throne from Moab Utah: Meet Matthew Lawson
Welcome to the 16th ever episode of the Mike O’Reilly Show: News and Reporting and Getting the Facts.
Today’s episode is sponsored by SmartTeeth.
Are you frustrated not being able to speak intelligently?
Maybe You find yourself at a cocktail party sounding like a total moron?
With all the impossible social scenarios - from office parties to asking someone to marry you - let’s face it, sometimes, you just sound like a psychotic drunk monkey in a human suit, right?
Literally stupid.
Well, if you feel like I’m speaking directly from the horses mouth - your life will change for the better with “SmartTeeth”
Think Siri meets Master Chef, only this gourmet dish doesn’t give you food, it gives your mouth words.
Finally - you can be an intelligent human again.
In three easy steps, stop sounding like a confused bird in the wild, and start sounding like a sober smart human.
Step one: put on a smart tooth, fits like a glove in your mouth, without the handles.
Step two: configure your accent of choice with your synced smart watch or bluetooth device
Step three: hit the social scene and let your teeth do the talking from now on.
Our smartteeth app will speak for you, using the data straight from Wikipedia, google, bing, and Duck-Duck-Go.
Imagine walking into work tomorrow with your new smartteeth, when someone asks you what you did over the weekend by the water cooling tower, instead of responding with a dumb blank stare - your smartteeth will respond in perfect timing using your voice or any voice or accent you choose:
“I went on a boating excursion and nearly lost the barracuda off my fish rod”
But wait - there’s more!
Choose from any of our 71 language packs with custom accents to boot. You can even choose a celebrity voice - like pierce brosnan, jerry Seinfeld or even Oprah.
Go to smartteeth.com/Mike to get your first month absolutely free. Then, every single month, you’ll get a new smart tooth.
And if you choose our platinum bonus package, we’ll throw in a t-shirt, “I’m not an idiot, you’re the idiot” signed by our ceo and co-founder, Marty Spellbinder.
Go to smartteeth.com/Mike right now and get the goods, first month free.
Just because you are an idiot, doesn’t mean others need to ever know.
SmartTeeth: Born dumb? Sound smart...from your teeth!
Pat the Motivator, Father turned Unicorn, Disrupter of Sin & Faith, Invents Startup to Walk on Water
With dense pollution in your skies, overpopulation in the streets and an outerspace that’s turning into a strip mall with all those missions to mars, are you looking for a safe haven to live, relax and raise your new family?
Let’s get personal though - because you’ve probably wondered where mermaids actually live?
What happened to all those old ships?
How do i find the realm of the krackin’?
Want to live a 100% off the grid of humans, in the grid of dolphins?
Are you ready for the next frontier….to be your manifest destiny?
If you’re saying yes to yourself now...say yes to watercolonies.water
Choose from any of our 2 locations off the coast of Jamaica and Somalia to be one of the first pioneers of the new, new world.
When you join by moving into your first, what’s now being termed “Water Condo’s”, you’ll get first dibs on:
Oxygen and food supplies to last 18 full months
Get released from every third work shift as an early adopter
Get a personalized workout session with octopus yoga by mimicking the movements right in front of your eyes
Stop staring at a frustrated clerk in a store when you can live fully underwater where fish are your neighbors and dolphins are your employees.
Yes. sign up right now and get a free water glove.
Go to watercolonies.water/mike to join now, where water wishes await wet willing wildcards just like you.
Wealth Magnate Preston Boatright III Slams #Metoo, UnderArmour & Reveals How to Start a Company
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Finally, money really does grow on trees....other people’s trees.
Miles of Salt Announces Initiative to Rescue Native-American Reservations in Delaware
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Heli-Hunting Hogs in Sulfur Bluff Texas with Earle-David Gornick, CEO, Luxury Horizons Pest Control
- What’s a day in the life of a terrorist cell?
- How do you qualify leads to target?
- Do I need to get licensed as a Syrian Terrorist?
Sign up now for your first trip and get a bonus terrorist license - not for the government issued one you can buy for $149.77 - but we’re throwing in a free license when you sign up today and use the promo-code: “Mike’s Terrible Terrorist Turkey-Tours”. Prices start at $37. Sign up today by going to terrorist-tours.eu and use our promo code to get a free license. Sign up today, next stop….paradise.
Guinness' World Record Holder for the Worst Memory in Human Everything
Hair Shaman Frank Spills the Wild-Oat Secrets of His Knotty-by-Nature Hair Store in Montana
Grammarschoolhacks.com
China Construction Bank.com
Edible Shoes.com
Dirty Rotten Flowers.com
Cheese Sculpters, A Cheese by barb company
Immortum: Posthumas Memory Delivery
The Wedding Wagon
Please help us secure sponsors so our important reporting mission can continue, thanks to your help. Please donate anything, go to donation.tv/mike
1974 Russian Women Figure Skating Team Head Coach - Boris Urchipenko
Mushroom Expert Dr. Hargrove Answer's Mike's Toughest Mushroom Q's
Order your first chair today, and get a private meet and greet with the most popular horses racing today.
The National Youth Orchestra of Iraq
Mike Interviews Randy Chanowitz Without Robby Sherbert
Mike Interviews Mr. Dave, Canadian Animal Face Recognizer
Mike Interviews Miles Devaro, Founder of Salt International
Mike Interviews John Hamn
A Zoo Outbreak & the Secret History of the Rubber Band