Monster Crush

In the March of Madness is back with PART TWO - THE WESTERN CONFERENCE (not that the cardinal direction has any meaning here). We are back with even more eldritch horrors to drive you to the very brink of madness... in a sexy way? Get ready the final rounds of our Salty 17-single-elimination-smiooch bracket featuring more tentacles and mouths than you can literally imagine. So strap in and strap on because we're going even deeper on this one.

Featuring: Eastern Conference recap, Daggy Dagon, Lovecraft is still trash, Spooky News!, Mothman’s new ink, 10 feet on ground/30 feet in air, THE WESTERN CONFERENCE, Late Night with Conan The Barbarian, Don’t mess with snakes, The King in Yellow is a Man of Mystery, Instant mummy, Twilight “toys”, “Six-legged polar bear with a narwhal horn”, even cosmic horrors gossip, The toughest decision LD has ever had to make    

CW: Tentacles (general Lovecraftian theme), implied non-consent (general Lovecraftian theme), madness/mental illness as a general “eldritch” concept, real world tragedy (i.e. Bridge Collapse) at 17:00-17:33, Mention of suicide/gun violence 19:45-21:26, Mentions of ill/infirm loved ones 20:00-21:00, Implied harm to animals 27:30-28:00, living mummification/paralysis 43:00-45:00 We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

In the spirit of March Madness we give you a showdown between some of the most madness-inducing monsters ever imagined. Get ready for In The March of Madness, a 17-monster single-elimination bracket featuring some of the most notable eldritch horrors of Lovecraftian fiction. We get really deep with these old ones as we narrow down who is the most smoochable cosmic horror.

Featuring: Lovecraft is a piece of **** but his monsters are neat, the worst name for a cat, THE EASTERN CONFERENCE, big fish vs. flaccid volcano, galaxy-sized mass of swirling tentacles vs. flappy slug that controls dolphins, plus some major upsets and so much more!

CW: the racism, xenophobia, misogyny, and otherwise ultra-conservatism of H.P. Lovecraft, discussions of "madness" outside of mental health definitions, mention of SA, occultism

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

WaHOOO Happy Mario Day! Or rather Happy March 10 (MAR10)! To celebrate we pulled inspiration from everyone’s favorite plumber/shell-stomper to present two monsters from the real-world. So make sure you have extra lives and get ready for The Tanuki and the Kayeri!. The Tanuki is a yokai from Japanese folklore and mythology which presents as a shapeshifting racoon dog with a massive set of… attributes. Meanwhile the Kayeri are giant mushroom monsters Cuiba people of Colombia and Venezuela. Will LD find love with these monsters? Listen to find out! 

Featuring: Our first Mario games, who we main in Mario Kart and what that says about us, some Mario facts and history, we are not a video game podcast, the most useful balls in monsterdom, prankster yokai, playground songs about monster scrotums, super strong fungi, mushrooms will take your daughters and your cows, and what if the balls are… too big?

CW: A LOT of genital talk in this one, mentions of trickery/deception/gaslighting, mentions of kidnapping, mentions of damage to internal organs/death

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Take the jump with us into a whole new series of dates! For this Leap Year Derek presents LD with two monsters who use jumping as their primary means of motion. So hop on in, strap on, and strap in for the Pérák, the Spring Man of Prague, and the Jiangshi, the hopping vampires of China. Also, get ready for some Spooky News that also weirdly features a jumping monster and just so much more. 

Featuring: Jumping as the best method of movement, happy Leap Year to all the “Bisextiles”, Leap Year traditions, Leap Year Monsters that will break your heart, Spooky News!, Japanese chode snakes will boost the economy, The Spring Man is the Czech Captain America, Hopping for Qi, unkillable monsters with way too many weaknesses, recognizing red flags, and MORE.

CW: Mentions of attacks, mentions of sexual assault, discussions of WWII, discussions of war, discussions of death/corpses
We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Happy New Year… again! That is, Happy Lunar New Year and according to the Chinese zodiac it is the year of the Wood Dragon! So 28 episodes after first mentioning them, we are finally giving Chinese Dragons their own episode. Join us as we delve into the millennia of tradition and culture that have shaped the various types of Chinese Dragons and be patient with Derek as he does his damn best to pronounce Chinese words.

Featuring: The caffeine that powers Monster Crush, Happy Lunar New Year, LD & Derek’s Chinese Zodiac signs, Snek, A LOT of nines and other numbers, clam bellies, dragons are camel/bull/rabbit/stag/snake/clam/carp/tiger/eagles, so many Chinese dragons, even more Chinese dragons, no jokes about Longwang, lethal fashion, dragons are EVERYWHERE… so are dinosaurs?, Phoenix yes/Tiger no

CW: Real world religions, Ancient religious beliefs, Storms/Dangerous weather phenomena

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Where do you plan to spend your afterlife? For some of the departed, they chose an eternity of entertainment in the theater! Join us as LD joins two of her loves: Scares and Stagecraft to discuss Theater Ghosts! These paranormal performers and spectral spectators are sure to send a shiver up your spine when all is dark except the ghostlight! Featuring: An unasked for deep dive into Derek’s religious ideologies, Hot takes on Jackalopes, 10 foot tall aliens EVERYWHERE, Theater Superstitions, The REAL Phantom of the Opera and Spooky News: Democracy chooses Chupacabra, High Quality Collectible Cryptid Bobbleheads, Brazilian mountain aliens, Miami Mall Aliens

CW: Real world religions, Ancient religious beliefs, Death/Tragedy, Historical discrimination, and Tragedies related to fire

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

With all of the change that the new year brings it's sometimes nice to settle down with something familiar. And better the monster you know... or at least heard mentioned once on a previous episode. We return for second chances for one particular monster who didn't get the spotlight before. This episode is all about The Van Meter Visitor! So join us for the tale of a pterasaur with a laser-beam on its foreheard who terrorized a small Iowan town in the early 1900s!

Featuring: New Year resolutions (or not), second cryptid chances, following your heart, in a time before The Music Man, everyone in Iowa is locked and loaded, hunting monsters with all five senses, stinky cryptids deserve love too, aliens brought dinosaurs back, and pterodactyls with fricken laser beams attached to their heads

CW: Gun violence, mentions of voyeurism, mass panic/mob mentality

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

An episode just in time for your holiday travels (but maybe skip the bridge part if you are driving over one), it's Mothman Part 2! So strap in and strap on for all you've ever wanted to know about everyone's favorite winged harbinger of doom!

Featuring: Here come the Men in Black, The Smiling Man, Mothman can smell your menstruation, bridge collapsing bummers, just all of the conspiracy theories, Mothman's Chicago rebranding, and everyone's new favorite cryptid: BIGHOOT

CW: Tragedy/death/disaster, mentions of suicide, mentions of blood, government manipulation/gaslighting, kidnapping, descriptions of humanoid uncanny valley

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

It's finally here! Episode 69 of Monster Crush (nice nice nice) and for this very special occasion we bring you everyone's favorite cryptid harbinger of doom, the one and only MOTHMAN. And just because we can't get enough of this red-eyed nightmare beast, this is only part ONE of a TWO PART SERIES!

Featuring: Mothman is a (tragic) Christmas story, cryptids who kill, touchable butts, West Virginia is for Monsters, Everyone's favorite cryptids, the inexplicable life of John Keel, "Fortean", and EVERYONE LOVES MOTHS

CW: Tragic death/disaster (3:55), Dog death (23:50, 28:00 - 29:00), Alleged harm to children (29:50)

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

In honor of the important recent holiday, Black Friday (duh), we change things up a bit this week. Instead of monsters we discuss Cursed/Haunted Items! Would you purchase something knowing it's cursed? Many people have and in this episode we talk about three of the biggest cursed items out there.

Featuring: The "Mummy" that sank the Titanic, A New Game: Damn, That's Scary to Look At, Dybbuk Box scares, Take Jedi warnings seriously, Shakespeare's favorite orgy bed, and an ode to the beauty of Elizabeth Hurley

CW: discussions of curses, death, house fires/arson, misuse of bodily fluids, xenophobia, execution, and mentions of suicide at (15:45 and 18:00)

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Ready for a cryptid that LD described as "unsettling in a sexy way"? Who? Exactly. No, who? Yes, exactly. That joke only kind of works in text but what does work is the Owlman of Mawnan! Get ready for big wings and an even bigger heart and an EVEN BIGGER set of eyes that will leave you in fear!

Featuring: Batman: the cryptid of Gotham, Spooky News: Monster Mash Money and Goldie Hawn's close encounter, MORGAWR!, Cryptids & Conmen, Definitely Glowing Eyes, This is the same (cryptid) picture, and Lost Tapes

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key network. Our music is by the handsome and talented Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis. All other music and sounds are licensed through Epidemic Sounds.

Happy Halloween from all of us at Monster Crush! To celebrate this, the most monstrous time of the year, LD presents her first singletons! We get down and smutty with a group of singletons pulled straight from the mind of two-time Hugo award nominee, and writer of works such as Space Raptor Butt Invasion and Bisexual Mothman Mailman Makes A Special Delivery In Our Butts, Dr. Chuck Tingle! One thing is for sure in this episode, we are going to prove LOVE IS REAL!

Featuring: Nessie neck problems, Spooky News Update, the sexiest slasher villain, the worst kind of reverse medusa, and the true differences between Dinosaurs & Unicorns & Bigfoots & Living Objects

CW: This episode contains sensitive topics such as death, body horror, and sleep paralysis in addition to our usual discussions of sex and intimacy with potentially non-human partners.

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our theme music is by the handsome and partnered Nick Lambert (find him on Instagram @lambertropolis). All other sounds and music were provided through a license with Epidemic Sound.

Some bittersweet news for our humble show. Co-founder, co-host, and co-cryptowoologist Heaven-Leigh has had to step back from the show. She is safe and healthy but some recent life events (including good stuff like a promotion) have left her without the time she feels that Monster Crush deserves. We wish Heaven-Leigh the absolute best of luck and want you all to know that the second she has time to come back, there will always be a seat waiting for her. But the show must go on! At least Derek and Heaven-Leigh feel that it should.

So... Derek is joined this week by his new co-host. Someone you all already know from her recent guest-appearance on the show. Please welcome Jordan, AKA The Lady Dame (LD also works). LD brings her love of monsters and expertise in monster smooching to the table and is just the best for agreeing to join the show with little notice.

So in honor of LD's first show, and it being the Most Monstrous Time of the Year, we bring you the most well known vampire cryptid around... El Chupacabra! Get ready for a great time that also SUCKS in the best of ways.

Featuring: Leftovers with Step-Dad, Older than a Chupacabra(?), SPOOKY NEWS, Hop like a Tasmanian Tiger, Future Grunch, Types of Chupacabras, Top 5 Cryptids, Don’t believe everything you see in movies, and MANGE!

CW: This episode contains sensitive topics such as harm/death to animals and blood/loss of blood

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our theme music is by the handsome and taken Nick Lambert (find him on Instagram @lambertropolis). All other sounds and music were sourced through a license with Epidemic Sound.

It's PART 2 of A Cryptid By Any Other Name! The final addition to this mini series of oddly-named monsters gives us a practical bounty of creepy-creature-delights. Derek presents Heaven-Leigh with the folkloric Jimmy Squarefoot and eldritch being, The Nameless Thing of Berkeley Square. We also discover a rival to THE WORST CRYPTID NAME EVER, stand back **********, Mel's Hole has some competition for you.

Featuring: Nicknames in life, the secrets of Mel's Hole, justice for the sheep, JINGLE JINGLE JINGLE, haunted real estate, naming the nameless, famous octopuses, and Derek turns 34

CW: This episode contains sensitive topics such as murder, harm to domestic animals, brief references to cancer/tumors, domestic violence, violent death, drug references, and a 9/11 joke at the very end

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our theme music is by the handsome and partnered Nick Lambert (find him on Instagram @lambertropolis). All other third party sounds and music were provided through a license with Epidemic Sound.

Looking for love in all the wrong places? Not anymore! We're armed and here to annihilate!!! In aMonster Crush first, Derek chooses which to kill between two insect cryptids. Judgment free, but these guys are GROSS! Do we need both of them, really? I don't think so!

Warning: This episode contains sensitive topics such as genocide, brief mentions of needles, insects, blood, and spiders.

Featuring: Sweet Blood™️; Spooky News Update!; Sad Bug Poems; Bugs Ain' Got No Bones; A Mosquito With A Propensity for Violence; Experiments Gone Right!; Be a Caretaker

We are proud to be a part of the Sword & Key Network. Our theme music is by the handsome and no-longer-on-the-market, Nick Lambert (find him on Instagram @lambertropolis). All other third party sounds and music were provided through a license with Epidemic Sound.

Get ready for a little playful biting as Derek is joined by a special guest, The Lady Dame (LD)! LD lends her lovely voice to the show for a special episode of exploring all things lycanthrope through the lore of Dungeons & Dragons. There's blood and hair in weird places so you know it will be a good time!

Warning, this podcast contains discussions of body horror, arachnophobia, real and fictional diseases, and violence.

Featuring: Werebeast Etymology; Smokey the Werebear; Rats Human Hands; Weredogs: The Lawful Good Boys; Antonio Banderas Weretigers; Undying love for Werewolves.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and no-longer-on-the-market Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

There are a lot of them, they're fast-moving, and maybe the politest love interests we've ever had?? This week, the Tuscumbia Space Penguins set their sights on our grassy mounds! Insert another sexual innuendo here! Aliens!

Featuring: Spooky News; Don’t Check the Weather; Milk Princess; Nice Guy (Derogatory); Kangaroo Leather; Geena Davis; Bloopers.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and no-longer-on-the-market Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

Is not a cryptid by any other name just as smoochable? This week we explore our romantic options with two objectively silly named cryptids, The Old Saybrook Blockheads and The Sandown Clown. We also discuss THE WORST CRYPTID NAME EVER, a name I will not type in these show notes. Strap in and strap on!

Featuring: Is Your Sister HOT?, Spooky News, Objectively Bad Names, Ugly Aliens, Thing Facts, The National Poo Museum, Sounds Humans Love, Origins of "Hello", Big Bimbo-Energy Clowns, and The Irresistable Erotics of Close-up Magic

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

CW: mentions of slavery, coulrophobia, and mentions of pedophilia

This week we head to Papua New Geninue in search of God's little miracle the Ropen, a not-dinosaur that was consciously curated to eat fish, rob graves, and act as the best nightlight around. Take that, Devil!

(PS: I tried to build an audio cave out of cardboard boxes I stole from my hot neighbor's recycling and it messed up my audio really bad, sorry!)

Featuring: Sorry Dad!; Dino Yes or No; Grave Robbing; Devil Pranks; Cryptids for Christ; Banana for (Radioactivity) Scale.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

Brrr, what's that? It's a b-b-blast from the past with our first ever FROM THE VAULT episode. We recorded this episode almost two years ago to the day and immediately blacked out, we don't remember a thing. Recently resurfaced, we've blown off the dust and present this gently used episode for your enjoyment. Blast the AC, bundle up, and don't forget your snow goggles, we're finding love below zero (degrees Fahrenheit).

Featuring: Lite Blood Magick; (OG) Spooky News!; Gay Fishes; Tickle Fight (To The Death); Sexy Suffrage; Ghost Child Custody; Hostile Arby’s.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

Bigger, badder, bossier. Bowser may rule with an iron fist, but at least he has a kingdom. This week's boss babe isn't interested in anything except the total destruction of Hyrule. Uh-oh – red flag alert! (His beige flag is that he's a redhead.)

Featuring: Spooky News!; Ice Planet Barbarians; F**k Scott Fitzgerald; Sex Pollen; Bitter, Old Witches; Tears of the Kingdom Spoilers; Holy Rain; Competitive Dates.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

We talk about a lot of serious, real monsters on this show – like real, actual Bigfoot, and actually real Mothman. For this episode, we thought it would be fun to talk about totally fake monsters that don't actually exist (not typical of our show at all!). And these bachelors aren't just basic bad guys, they are Boss Bad Guys, Boss Hotties, Boss Babes. Digging deep into video game lore, Derek presents two of the badest bosses around: Bowser and Ganon(dorf).

Featuring: That’s a Monster Fucker; Mushroom Man Meat; Crab, Dragon, Furry; BDG; Secret Vore; Bowser Propaganda.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

This week prepare to get hot, humid, and spelunked! We explore all the nooks and crannies of the world's stinkiest cave for a genuinely bulletproof love.

Warning: this episode contains sensitive topics such as xenophobia, war, and antisemitic conspiracy theories. Featuring: U.S. of (Mothman’s) Ass; Midnight (m)Ass; Sharks; Spooky News!; Weird Poop; Hellish Hissing; Outside Cloud Inside; Biblical Scapegoat; Shoutout Derek’s Mom; Bloopers.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

This week we go deep diving for love. You know him, you fear him, you may have built a home on him thinking he was a set of islands (it happens to the best of us) – it's time to unleash the Kracken!

Warning: this episode contains sensitive topics such as death and necrophilia. Featuring: Alien’s Conspiracy Theories; News of the World: Bowser x Luigi; The Scent of a Christian; Movie Twists; Minestrone Soup of Monsters; Deleted "Hamilton" Numbers; Straight Shittin'.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

That monster under your bed keeps you up at night with its rancid vibes and bad takes, but it can make you laugh like no one else. A werewolf keeps showing up at your work and demanding to speak to your manager, and you can't help but notice they are kind of cute. That's not your enemy; that's your enemy to lover! Seething disdain and tension so thick you could choke on it can only be a good boon for your future relationship.

CW: implied homophobia, stalking, incest, twilight, nuclear weapons. Featuring: a brief lesson in media literacy; "You" spoilers; Spooky News!; New Kink Alert!; fanfic watch; the Kennedy’s strike again; Ben Franklin; a lot of sound effects

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

I bet you thought, "Oh sure, they say they're back, but I've heard that before. We shall see in two weeks." Surprise! We're back a week early because we're trying to make it up to you, okay? We couldn't leave you sweating as you waited for more Bigfoot! Featuring: When dogs go wild; Patty's pendulous breasts;  I got kidnapped by Bigfoot and all I got was the ick; Josh Hutcherson; snake < mongoose < Gustav; shout out Derek’s mom; a lot of poop talk; bloopers.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

Risen from the grave and casually ignoring that we ghosted you for the last two years, you're not-favorite-but-at-least-top-100 most delightful duo is back! We couldn't return empty-handed, so we've brought North America's most eligible bachelor, Bigfoot! Featuring: Life updates; dead dove (open); famous woodworkers; Clark Gable lookalikes; Big Foot Facts!; Everything Showers.

We are proud to be part of the Sword and Key network. Our music is by the handsome and second-most-eligible bachelor in North America, Nick Lambert. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

What a day/week/month/year/life! You deserve a break! Grab a towel, your favorite book, and prepare to fall in love on the seashore. Better to fall in love than fall in, because some of these singletons might eat you. Exciting! 

CW: discussions of sex, death, infant death, harm to animals, insects, disease, animal attacks, drowning. Featuring: Lions and Tigers and Bears with Guns; MC Movie Corner: The Holiday; Spooky News: How to Pronounce Cicada; the Saga of Dan Arby; Bad Cryptid Hugs; Beaver Abominations; Octopus Science; Second Chances at Love; Monster Meet-Cutes.

Thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Nick Lambert, who created our theme song. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

IT’S OUR 50th EPISODE!! To celebrate, we put together a very special episode, unlike anything we’ve done before. Heaven-Leigh provides a comprehensive look at critical aspects of Donna Haraway’s work and then connects it somehow to monster smooching? From there, Derek is presented with a horrifying glimpse into humanity’s future. This may be our most educational episode yet!

CW: mentions of racism, sexism, transphobia, genitalia, body horror, climate catastrophe. Featuring: Fungal Zombies; A Cyborg Manifesto; Staying with the Trouble; Nightmare Dr. Seuss; Leave Matt Damon in Space; Foot Perverts; The Future is Crab; Abject Horror; Utility Belts; Putting the DICK in DIXON; Meaty Tic Tacs.

Thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Nick Lambert, who created our theme song. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

You can cut all the flowers, but you can’t keep Spring from coming! It’s time to throw open the windows, beat that old rug, and pay tribute to the naked little man who lives under your floorboards. Normal stuff! This week, Heaven-Leigh presents Derek with a selection of singletons that have already moved in and are busy judging how many dishes there are in the sink. 

CW: climate change, dieting, death, childbirth, mention of genitalia. Featuring: Spring Cleaning Rituals; Roombas; Shitty Roommates; Little Big Boys; Derek’s Haunted House; Draw a Dick, You Coward; Color-Locked Shapeshifting; Go Naked To Your Favorite Game.

Thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Nick Lambert, who created our theme song. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

Not up for debate: Godzilla's sex appeal. Up for debate: Which of his rivals is the hottest? This week, Derek breaks down some of Godzilla's sexiest foes. They're big, they're horrifying, and they're ready to destroy a city as a testament to their love!

CW: human trafficking mention, nuclear weapons and devastation, eco-fascism. Featuring: Weird Mic Troubles - Sorry!; NEW THEME SONG; Toledo Facts; Dinosaur News!; Gender Reveal Drama; Sleepy Hands; Kaiju v Giant Monster; Brain Butts and Buzzsaw Stomachs; World's Not-Best Dad; Teenage Rage.

Thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Nick Lambert, who created our theme song. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.

Since this episode was recorded in March, it counts as our official women's HERstory month episode. And what better way to celebrate women's accomplishments than by examining the lives (and deaths) of two famous murderers. ALLEGED murderers. ALLEGED vampire. ALLEGED witch. CONFIRMED grisly end at the hands of corrupt officials. 

CW: torture, body horror, murder, bestiality, violence against animals. Featuring: Ye Olde Himbos; The Nitty Gritty of Blood Baths; Creative Ways to be Awful; Winning the Worst Lottery Ever; Meadow-ception; Neck Crimes; The Small Plaintive Cries of a Dog Who Gets Everything She Wants.

Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)

Listen, if your man is green, has an indecipherable accent, loves pogo sticks, and won't let you meet his family... that isn't your man, that's an alien. 

CW: Abduction, thalassophobia, sharks, animal death, blood horror, gun violence. Featuring: a Baby on Mars; the Most F***able Number; Drake Equation; Glow Sharks; Derek's True Age; Alien Pogo Sticks; Jerry Bob the Gargoyle; Origin of 'Little Green Men;' Secret Post-Credits Scene.

Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)

We heat up these colder months with a little dragon fire as Derek presents Heaven-Leigh with a selection of 3 scaly, draconic singletons from all over the world.

CW: Sex, sex toys, avalanches and natural disasters, car accidents, death, drowning/flooding, war, cannibalism, religion, politics. Featuring: The Sexiest Dragon Hoards; Spooky News!; Dragons Across the World; YARMS; Time-Traveling Christians; Deep Red Mall Santas; Friend of a Friend; Rabbit Belly vs. Clam Belly; Dog Crimes Against Art.

Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)

Welcome back! Derek and Heaven-Leigh return from their wintery hiatus and journey into some of the wettest, peatiest bogs searching for love. Bring a crusty loaf of bread and some ripe fruit; there is jerky and butter in these bogs.

CW: cannibalism, sexual assault, racism, religious sacrifice, death, train disaster, violence. Featuring: Human Jerky; Armie Hammer; Spooky News!; Bog Bodies and Bog Butter!; Bad Catholics; Gator Wife; Cornstew.

Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)

Fear not: nothing bad this way comes! Derek and Heaven-Leigh give a brief life update and the plans to continue the show in the new year, hotter and heavier than ever! This time, the hiatus is actually planned, which shows we are growing. And maybe we'll get a Nectar sponsorship out of this. Nectar, get at us! CW: night terrors

Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)

In our very first from the vault release, we give you: the unaired Ohio episode! We recorded this way back when Derek first joined the show and then just never posted it. But we blew off the dust and gave it a good ol' spit shine, and present it to you in all its retro glory.

CW: Slurping noises, Child Endangerment, Mentions of Violence. Featuring: Christian Werewolf Sex Positions; Dog Show News; Reaper of Death vs. Little Poopy Butt; Ohio Facts; Alien Pancakes and Whore Apples; Post Malone and Scientific Integrity; Lots of Monster Smooches.

Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)

Happy Halloween! Whether you’re staying in or going out, we have an intoxicating selection of horrors to help keep you company!

CW: Mention of genitalia, serial killers, and gun violence. Featuring: SLUTTY DOGS AND THEIR CRIMES; Trick, Treat, or Yeet; Horny for Hell; Movie Corner; Double Stick Knife; Werewolf Snitch; Finland has Stolen the Sun; When you Hear the Ice Knocking, Run??!!?

Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)

Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? These boys are! This week, a pack of dogs from around the world battle for Derek's love, as well as vie for the Good Boy crown. Only one of them can win the heart of Derek, but luckily, they can all share the title of Good Boy.

CW: cancer, sex, violence, child death and dog death, cannibalism, incest, torture, animal cruelty. Featuring: Spooky News; Justice for Tasha Yar; Guardians of the Penis Jokes, Heaven-Leigh's Hag Encounter; Thank Your Mother for Your Neuroses; Werewolf Crime and Punishment; The Best Werewolf Movie Never Made; Boot Size is a Crucial Detail in Werewolf Sightings; Sad Dogs in History; Hairless Wolf Perverts.

Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)

It's the end of the world, and these monsters are FINE. Derek doesn't want Heaven-Leigh to face the great unknown all alone, so he presents a bevy of dates that are sure to protect her - because they are helping to end the world! Like, wouldn't a benefit of dating the destroyer of all worlds be that you aren't destroyed? RIGHT?! 

CW: body horror; eschatology; real-world religions; ableism; white supremacy; slavery; war; death. Featuring: Snake Math; Spooky News!; A Lecture on Eschatology; Hercules is a Coward; Let's Play Throw Stuff at Baldr; Burdened by Bird Spit and Roast Beef Knowledge; The Return of Ol' Spider Legs; Dad of Boy; and Lots of Myths!

Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)

Name a more iconic throuple than Scully, Mulder, and the thousands of viewers who desperately wanted them to smooch. But what if the X-Files had taken a different turn? While there is definitely an X-Rated title covering the, ahem, human relations, Heaven-Leigh brings some of the most delicious X-Files monsters to the table. Jimmy Stewart's ghost makes a repeat appearance for like a solid 37 minutes.

CW: sleep paralysis; theft of body parts; cancer; mentions of bullying; cannibalism; mentions of violence; parasites. Featuring: Dolittle Deep Dive; Sasquatch Lifetime Movie; Spooky News!; Cryptid Corrections; Derek's Dogs; Scully's Hot Girl Weekend.  

This week's episode was done by Alexander Geiszler, who also made our music! (Instagram: @churboje)

This week, Heaven-Leigh is joined by two superduper special guests - Jake and Wyatt from the podcast Superduperstitious! While they are used to uncovering the science behind the supernatural and paranormal, they suspend their disbelief to go on a series of hot double dates. Each singleton has more than one head, and a lot of love to go around.

CW: Bodily fluids. Featuring: Free Geico Ad; Murder You Road; Our First Monster Crushes; Spooky AND Weird News!; Poetry; Sweet Beans: A Hallmark Original Movie.

Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje). Check out Superduperstitious wherever you find podcasts, or at superduperstitious.com 

As if figuring out where to take a monster on your first date wasn’t hard enough, how do you even find one? Thankfully, there’s an organization dedicated to securing, containing, and protecting humans from monstrous threats. But for those of us who are brave, an SCP facility is like a singles mingle.

CW: genitals; animal mutilation. Featuring: Monster Preventives; Turkey Burger; Spooky News!; Death by Catfish; No Hair, No Go; The Inherent Sex Appeal of a Plague Doctor; Where the Butt Grows; Drug Blob.

Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)

It's Pride Month, the Continuation! This episode was filmed in June, so whenever you listen to it, it's Pride Month again, baby! Heaven-Leigh and Derek pay homage to the queer icon, The Babadook, before moving on to the week's singletons. Knock knock, who's there? It's a poltergeist! Knock knock. Knock knock. Knock knock. They are really annoying.

CW: SA; menstruation; animal mutilation; sharks.

Featuring: A Sneak-Peak Into the Spaghetti of Heaven-Leigh's Mind; Weird News!; A VERY Detailed Breakdown of Ghosts; Bard Crimes;  Plastic Swans but Make Them Loud; 

Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)

This episode begins with a personal address of support from Heaven-Leigh and Derek about the protests and demands for justice in the US. And finally, the greatest trilogy in human history comes to a close. You may not have asked for it, but it’s here anyway. Derek presents Heaven-Leigh with another bevy of monsters grasping for love in Gettin’ Handsy Part 3: The Fingering!

CW: discussions of race/protest; mentions of genitalia and male circumcision; theft of religious iconography; suicide; child abductions; violence; cannibalism; body horror.

Featuring: X-rated Intros; Spooky News!; Jimmy Stewart Commits Crimes Against Yetis; Bone-Suckers; More Disembodied Hairy Hands; Never Trust A Titmouse; We Will Tattoo Our Bodies With Your Art (maybe).

Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)