The Network That Never Was: A High-Tech, Low-Spirits Memoir

The Network did post duplicate blogs in 2019… until now. Tune in for a brief update.

This is the final full chapter of The Network That Never Was. The Wowzers Empire fizzles out in front of Leo Heinrich, in the back office where he’s spent hours facing the glare of an old junker, hunched over typing out “rare” books wedged an inch open so their precious spines don’t break. Justine has one big, fat, wanna-be-manipulative breakdown. I’m sorry for delays promising this, but here it is. I fudged a line of audio and had to delete it at the end, and you shouldn’t use headphones, but here is what happened when this ill-directed web project came to its living death. My ears literally hurt editing, just because that’s the sort of vitriolic crybaby Justine is in this final chapter. In closing, know the people based Justine and Dieter did a lot of what this podcast said. They did defraud one of New Hampshire’s greatest collectors, an elderly woman on an oxygen line, out of a 50,000-book collection, liquidating it for $5 AFTER THEIR “AUCTIONEER” FEES. They kept me up from 6 AM to 2:30 AM in doing so, heaping verbal abuse on me at that point until I came up with a programming solution at that hour. They subjected me to an increasingly poor paycheck while she chased the sun and blamed ME for “Dieter’s” health, all while putting a 1964 Mustang on credit. “Dieter” threatened to take my head off at 50 yards. They yelled - literally yelled - at me because I made them $150 in the 5 minutes THEY were running late. They accused me of autism because I couldn’t look two losers in the eye. They even burned through their town’s good graces and became legal laughingstocks... And you know what? I loathe them with every ounce of strength in my body. I dedicate this series and this book to you, Janet and Peter. PS I had to watch Crystal Skull. BS.

Much like a coronavirus layoff, work dries up and Leo tries to get a plan in place to keep the money coming in. Unreliable tools become a thorn in his side and he even winds up subcontracting in a rush. For a thousand-website project, funding is looking pretty pathetic - not even one test website is monetized - and he becomes little more than an anxious antique store spook, watching his last few dollars sit in a hesitant pile. He can’t even tell anyone what he’s doing to survive at this point. Please become our first supporter after 25 episodes at anchor.fm/network/support... Believe me I’ll update the description the day you do and thank you by your preferred name here! I’ll even add a fan thanks section at the end for all episodes!

When you have a distant, arrogant, incompetent pair of employers who starts faltering on your payments, leaving you trapped above a first-floor antique store, things begin to warp, rot and fester inside you. Maybe you’ll turn to drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes (Leo didn’t). Perhaps you’ll spend all day sleeping in a shut-down abyss much like a coronavirus quarantine (Leo couldn’t). Or maybe you’ll scrape together your remaining dwindling funds in a final, spiteful eff you to your employers. Leo did. This episode is brief but heavy. It is a damning admission to himself that Leo Heinrich’s million-dollar dream is spray-painted garbage. It is a doomed attempt to launch himself to financial safety again. It is a repulsive vote of no confidence in his hoity-toity employers, who’ve led him from doing important website work to menial, obsessive and ultimately pointless tasks. Imagine a dog instinctively ready to chew off his leg to escape. Imagine that dog holding a digital camera. Please share and subscribe. Leo needs to tell his story. Thank you.

Leo receives definite proof he’s on the right track working for his eccentric employers... or does he? The Project remains as cryptic, distant and massive at it has before. Is he really funding over 1000 websites with a dinky digital camera? Is it being funded just by interest from Justine and Dieter’s real estate sales? What ridiculousness is about to come through the fax machine?

Justine and Dieter continue not to impress, Justine with her latest grandiose... something... and Dieter with his shlumpish imposing on Leo. For a web project with 1200 websites, something sure seems amiss in keeping it going swarmed by antique shoplifters. In the midst of emptiness, Leo plods through his time with two increasingly sketchy bosses.

Leo finds an equally lonely lady whose main requirement for meeting is not being a psycho. Go Leo. Moldy magazine auctions have slowed, giving Dieter a chance to put his wife Justine’s alleged auctioneering prowess to use. To do so, Leo chauffeurs Dieter to one of New England’s finest bookstores. There, Leo meets a bookseller he knows he shouldn’t be dragging down with his employers. Dieter shows his true colors; Leo’s flickering optimism finally yields to destroyed self-respect. The Network That Never Was is a true story about a man offered a million dollars to help launch what could have been a new Amazon. Well, Amazon Lite. Well, Amazon Lite from back in the day. With a few exceptions. All right, scratch that. Just a really huge, clueless spamfest. Only names have been changed unless to avoid violation of an NDA which I’m sure was worthless anyway. Please feel free to check out our earlier episodes to piece the story together. My personal favorite is Chapter 4, Photo Month. If you like slow-boil podcasts about horrible bosses, go ahead and press Listen, Play or whatever you’ve got!

In Chapter 11 of the Network That Never Was, familiarity continues to breed contempt on both sides. Leo keeps his nose to the grindstone with what little work he has. Dieter lets on about a time-saving device that may help take Leo out of the tech Stone Age. Justine wobbles in and out of the woodwork on a badly needed intelligence mission while Dieter invites Leo to see his bedroom. WTF indeed! The Gruesome Twosome let on about spectacular plans to scr-, uh, rip o-, uh, HELP an old lady liquidate one of bibliophilia’s New England shrines. Wetlands, not a multimillion-dollar project, continue to lurk around the edges of Leo’s life. Among a growing pile of Yankee antiques destined for 1200 websites, which are supposed to include every country on Earth, a small ray of hope comes into Leo’s life. The Network That Never Was is a true story about a man who stumbles on an ambitious project meant to rival Amazon, eBay and... MySpace?!? The book is available on Kindle. If you would like to purchase it to read all the chapters in this podcast I am deeply grateful. Donations are also welcome through Stellar / Lumens / XLM coins (GB7F7P3G3KFHR7UWAASAFQGJ7U2ESKMWIJW7MPLBXGJJAGKG4KMEHICV), Bitcoin (14TXSuVE8CXrwqpUhzHWpHdpo8fzNxMfKb), and PayPal (send an Anchor voice message for info). Huge thanks to our sponsor Anchor. Even if you just want to know how to start your own podcast, check out this episode for information and details. Whoever you are, thank you for visiting, and if you’re new, please check out earlier chapters if you have not already. Best, “Leo Heinrich”.

Leo Heinrich’s foray into internet wealth continues to curdle and crumble under the increasingly bizarre Justine and Dieter Launders, two self-deluded antique collectors, closeout shoppers, name-droppers and #2 ploppers. What’s worse than listing and shipping hundreds of moldy magazines at midnight, instead of launching 1,000 websites, in a middle-of-nowhere, slowly-going-under antique store? (Spoilers) Leo’s about to find out as he entertains the dumbest death threat of his life, finds a mysterious package at the foot of the stairs, entertains a nature-loving, tick-laden counterconspiracy (was there a conspiracy to start with?!?) and commiserates with an unhappily jailed Massachusetts cheese aficionado. (end spoilers) The Network That Never Was is a true story about an internet failure that aimed to overtake Google, Microsoft, eBay, Amazon, Twitter, StumbleUpon, Plurk, you name it. If you like this chapter, please consider checking out The Network That Never Was book on Kindle. It really means a lot. Please also consider subscribing. I’ll be very happy to get the next chapter out soon if you can just let me know you listen. Thanks!

Ever have an employer with too much money and barely a clue? Not only is programmer Leo Heinrich working for two nebulous goofballs with 1200 websites and 12 IQ points between them, he’s now dealing with an unnerving change of plan and income. His dream job of $500 a week, a spacious apartment, and a million-dollar incentive on launch have turned into $250, a dumping ground for kitschy antiques, and a big assignment listing crappy old magazines for an unknown duration. Alleged mastermind Justine Launders has called Leo off any pretense of programming and bailed for the Bahamas with her whipped sidekick/spouse-in-name-only Dieter. Someone able to leave the country for a week’s vacation MUST have some kind of notion about how to keep the money coming... 1200 websites all ending in Wowzers can’t help but earn Leo a good living and webmaster portfolio, right? Leo’s not so sure anymore. He’s seen Dieter get verbally destroyed to the point of heart trouble for offering the only voice of reason. He’s seen Black Unicorn, the bookstore beneath his apartment, turn into a snow-sealed mausoleum, with only a 1980s “all circuits are busy” phone voice to keep him company. The bathtub is slowly turning thick green from normal use again due to the hard water, driving Dieter crazy every time he stops in smarting from another one of Justine’s aristocratic tongue-lashings. The kitchen is becoming bare due to diminishing income. Leo is staying patiently isolated, having come out of a recent hostage situation with a woman who claimed she was the landlord but only let him out to work to stave off the real owner. Chapter 8 is a slow, uncertain point in the podcast for our hero, just before things become undeniably bizarre. Please subscribe or check out the ebook on Kindle - just search for “The Network That Never Was”. Thanks!!!

In Chapter 7 of The Network That Never Was, Leo’s diminishing paychecks and increasingly domestic workload come together to leave him feeling trapped. Coding has given way to lugging in and listing box after box of mold-kissed magazines. Justine reveals her half-baked methods for auction success before dragging an unwilling Dieter to her tropical paradise and his hell. The antique store and Leo’s borrowed apartment start to reflect Justine’s growing delusions of success. Thank you for checking out this episode, which is part of a true tale of Internet insanity. If you haven’t already, please check out other episodes in this series. Thank you for listening, and if you really like the series, please check out the Kindle ebook of the same name!

Leo Heinrich discovers that he is dealing with some increasingly bizarre, incompetent and nasty employers. What started out as a sure-fire million-dollar paycheck for a 1200-website project is dwindling down to pathetic pay and “free” rent in the middle of nowhere.

Leo gets some kind of confirmation that Wowzers just might be crazy enough to get him that million-dollar paycheck promised by Justine and Dieter. That proof is a taciturn, boat shoe-wearing whiz kid named Evers.

After a few attempts at tinkering with the kludgy web platform Justine and Dieter use, Leo goes from paradise to limbo. After Leo makes $150 in the store by opening 5 minutes early, Dieter prevents any further success by running the store instead. Justine re-scrambles her brains looking for Leo’s next project, and settles on...

Leo settles into life alone at the Black Unicorn antique store, playing store security as well as alleged right-hand man for a multi million dollar web project. Justine and Dieter ask him to open the store one day at 10. Leo starts to see cracks in the seamless dream of the Wowzers Project.

Leo leaves the boarding house behind, and steps into what could either be a charming antique shop or a passive-aggressive version of the Bates Motel.