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No Such Thing As Love

No Such Thing As Love

By JawBurns

Terminally single comedians, Jessie Jolles & Claire Burns, no longer believe love exists. Thankfully for us, they’re selflessly in the trenches dating to prove they are right. Laugh with them while they regale us with their dating woes and bring on special guests like a dating coach to dissect their profiles, an ex to explain what went wrong, fellow comedians to share their stories of dating, and actual blind dates that happen in the studio. Listen each week to see what new evidence they’ll have that love will never exist for them.
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Ready for Our Meet Cute with writer Lana Schwartz

No Such Thing As Love Dec 02, 2020

00:00
01:18:01
SPECIAL EPISODE: Jessie and Claire Present
Sep 26, 202214:04
Following The Fun

Following The Fun

What a wild ride it's been. Jessie and Claire started No Such Thing As Love as a live show 5 years ago to share their silly dating stories with other comedians. After countless good, bad, and meh moments and 3+ years of the podcast, it's time to close this chapter. The ladies spend this last episode reminiscing about all the ridiculous dates, hilarious points of view, and most importantly, the growth they've experienced along the way. 

Stay tuned for their exciting new monthly video show starting in September! 

Aug 17, 202241:20
Touching Your Love Language

Touching Your Love Language

Mistaken text identities, mismatched love languages, and missed calendar tasks. Claire did a some swooning and reflecting while watching Wolverine tap in some snug pants. Jessie has been working on what her new love language means now that she's out of her coffin. Both ladies want a pool but one on her finger and the other at her toes.  

Aug 10, 202251:06
Fight Level 1 Achieved

Fight Level 1 Achieved

Is a relationship real before you have the first big fight? Or you take him shopping with your best friend? Both things happened this week and the ladies, and Boyfriend, lived to tell the tales. Claire was officially asked to join a polyamorous relationship aka a volleyball team and Jessie over prepped for a night of cyber lovin' that never was.

Aug 03, 202245:15
Right to Bare Forearms
Jul 27, 202251:40
The Love Slip
Jul 20, 202256:43
Travel Communication

Travel Communication

Live from the beach and fresh off a successful communication. 

Jul 13, 202238:03
Baby, You're A Firework

Baby, You're A Firework

Still wearing their earplugs from the firework festivities, Jessie and Claire chat about Mr Boyfriend joining in a group activity and all the smooching that ensued. Claire may or may not have been setup but also failed to make anything happen with an old flame because of her horrible texting habits. One of the ladies will never change while the other is now a bonafide Girlfriend.

Jul 06, 202247:20
Not If, When

Not If, When

It's time to celebrate yourself! Whether you're finally coming out, successfully enjoying your first trip with a boyfriend, or just celebrating Hug Holiday, give yourself an applause break. Jessie shares the fun of her trip and how her fears started to creep in. Claire lets us know how her 2nd Tawkify date went and how she celebrated this momentous Pride week. 

Jun 29, 202252:55
It's In The Charts with Rachel Lang

It's In The Charts with Rachel Lang

Everything we know about Jessie and Claire is validated this week by an insightful chat with intuitive astrologer to the stars (Claire & all her friends), Rachel Lang. They gaze beyond their sun signs to see what relationships look like for them and what desires they were destined to have. But before they look to the stars, the ladies talk about the momentous best friend & boyfriend meeting. After a conversation prompt from Jessie, Claire & Mr Boyfriend dove into references and appreciations; leaving Jessie sitting quietly. 

Jun 22, 202201:05:47
It's My Treat

It's My Treat

Sometimes a kiss is not just a kiss. And sometimes he should never not pay the tab. Now that Jessie has a "boyfriend" (!!!!), it's time to talk about money and relationships and how soon is too soon to start talking finances. Claire is prepping for an exciting week with one and a half dates! But by darting a suggestion from Jessie, Claire realizes why her date was more than just 2 scared people. It's called growth, babe. 

Jun 15, 202251:25
What's In A Label

What's In A Label

Do happy endings need to have a label? What is the difference in being labeled "girlfriend" and being exclusive? Jessie and Claire tackle these questions and contemplate many more because what is a big step in a relationship if you don't question everything?! Jessie also witnesses a foreign friend language and Claire has a touchy feely brunch time hookup. Nothing says sexy like glaring sunlight. 

Jun 08, 202251:12
Keeping The Hope

Keeping The Hope

When you slide into the week at an optimistic peak, you're destined for disappointment. But is that really so bad? Jessie and Claire talk about how the fear of disappointment can prevent greatness. How saying you want to be exclusive can take you on a rollercoaster journey of reactions. How showing up means more than physically being there. How being social and day drinking can revive a sleepy libido. And how the aforementioned day drinking can make you cry at the drop of a hat.

Jun 01, 202249:46
Exclusive Optimism

Exclusive Optimism

Is that optimism in the air or is it just summer sweat? After bowing out of a hook-up that made her leg shake, Claire goes on a semi-blind date that left her optimistically confused. Jessie escaped disappointment with a redo date that teased her Victorian flirtation dreams. Apparently there's more than one way to get horizontal.

May 25, 202247:14
Taking Its Sweet Time
May 18, 202248:36
In Sickness And In Health

In Sickness And In Health

Texts aren't just a way to communicate, they're also a way to unexpectedly start a full rollercoaster of emotions! Claire had the pleasure of discovering this alt use when a blast from the past sent an innocent "hi." Jessie also got text bombed but she had the chance to sever a loose end. Thanks to allergy season, Jessie was also able to unlock some trauma before sneezing in front of a new date. Who needs Zyrtec when you have therapy?!

May 11, 202201:01:08
New Dates and Old Triggers

New Dates and Old Triggers

The ladies have been busy recovering from their trip, continuing to celebrate the never ending birthday, marking off expensive dates, and being triggered like the good ole days. Claire officially went on her first Tawkify date and realized her preferences needed a little fine tuning. Jessie left her beloved neighborhood for a successful day date but was later triggered by the slightest whisper of a euphemism. Old habits die hard.

May 04, 202201:10:19
Nada De Amor Em Portugal

Nada De Amor Em Portugal

Jessie and Claire are back to tell the tales of their 2 part Portugal trip. It was filled with limping pigeons, physical attacks by the visually impaired, Scooby-Dooing in the shower, special time for fun or paranoia, and best of all, moaning.

Apr 27, 202243:31
We Used To Be Bad At Dating
Apr 20, 202247:21
Zero To Some Potential

Zero To Some Potential

In the glow of her birthday approaching, Claire tried to put her Feeld membership to use. We're all thankful for the pre-hookup chemistry check because spoiler, he's the worst. Jessie gave a suitor with potential 3 tries but now he's out. They're both ready for their trip to Portugal and hungry for some potential fun!

Apr 13, 202257:56
A Refreshing Date with "Mr Friend"

A Refreshing Date with "Mr Friend"

Dates can be friends! As proven by Jessie's recent date with Alex, or as he's known on the streets, "Mr Friend." He joins the ladies to talk about his side of the date with Jessie and the complexities/annoyances of different dating apps. Claire gives an update on her LONG anticipated date through the matchmaker. No spoilers but it went as expected. It didn't happen.


Apr 06, 202201:08:05
Strictly Non-Monogamous

Strictly Non-Monogamous

How can you even explore non-monogamy when you haven't had a monogamous relationship in years? Jessie and Claire dive into the topic of non-monogamy after taking a course with sex and relationship therapist, Rachel Wright. They cover common misconceptions and societal norms we all need to unlearn. Jessie also chats about her recent suitor who exclusively invites her to ticketed events at Madison Square Garden. Which could be the best night of her life or a true terror.

Mar 30, 202250:36
Suggest Don't Show

Suggest Don't Show

Celebrating National Let's Laugh Day, Jessie and Claire are filled with laughs as they discuss the Summer of Thighs, sending sexy photos, erotic balls, and their enthusiasm to make out in public. They also answer a listener's question about handling their lover's kinks. Send in those questions to nosuchthingasloveshow@gmail.com!
(end song I Want To Know What Love Is by Foreigner)
Mar 23, 202256:03
Chess Players are Liars

Chess Players are Liars

Can you trust someone who says they want to "catch up" but they've only ever known your sweet sweet body? It's hard to not believe them when the sweater is tight on the arms and the comfort is very appealing. After discovering the blatant lies that were told to Jessie, Claire talks about when she cheated in a threesome, they weigh the difference of physical and emotional cheating, and they both confess to threatening friends' boyfriends. They're nothing if not supportive friends. 

Mar 16, 202251:51
Girl, We Tried

Girl, We Tried

The ladies heard the rudder scraping in the mud and decided to change metaphors and generate some content. Jessie & Claire hit the town this weekend! Did they really not like the inventory in 7 different bars? Did Claire prematurely buy drinks at all of them? Did Claire also shat herself days later? She really wishes one of those wasn't true.

Mar 09, 202240:36
Compliments not Flattery
Mar 02, 202258:03
Groundhogging Insecurities

Groundhogging Insecurities

Jessie and Claire share the newest dating term, groundhogging, and falsely believe it doesn't apply to them. But with both of their updates, they revisit some old insecurities and reactions that make us all wonder if their emotions are groundhogging them. Who can blame them when they're fooled by a hat and an obnoxious stand-up?

Feb 23, 202246:32
Plus One Required

Plus One Required

Attention all wedding hosts: you are now hereby required to give a "plus one" to all single guests. The ladies have spoken and therefore it is now law. The ladies also get into season 2 of Love is Blind and are quite relieved they didn't hit send on their submissions. Jessie went on an actual dinner date with a man in a button down and now has a new standard for dates. Or at least new hopes.

Feb 16, 202201:06:09
Love Bomb Swindler

Love Bomb Swindler

The ladies are catching up from weeks lost in January. Jessie has 3 dates this week and already turned down a matchmaker setup. Claire asked for help, for one of the first times in her life, at the same time as inflicting psychological warfare on herself in the wake of 6'10's ghost. They also discuss the recipe for their Tinder Swindlers which doesn't include private jets and designer labels. Only asking questions and dating in their neighborhoods. They're easy targets.

Feb 09, 202259:43
Back from the Dead

Back from the Dead

Jessie saw the light and has finally returned to life with a little help from Pedialyte and extensive sleep. Claire gives a disappointing 6.10 update and assures us that her matchmaker hasn't ghosted her. Yet. Jessie had a surprising exchange with an old fling while on her deathbed that was really touching. But with no physical contact. And both ladies believe January didn't count so they're excited for the new year now that we're in February. 

Feb 02, 202256:30
Big Security with "6.10"

Big Security with "6.10"

Sometimes we need to hear from the other side so Jessie and Claire are joined by special guest "6.10" to share his thoughts on meeting Claire, dating as a super tall man, and what it's like to be a fetish. The 2 giants and 1 petite lady come up with a great business plan for date security. Jessie also takes us into her head as she works out a weird date with someone that was an hour late. And it shockingly wasn't Claire.

Jan 12, 202201:26:12
The Dirty Whore Variant

The Dirty Whore Variant

Jessie & Claire are chock-full of silly stories, fun updates, and breakthroughs after their winter break. From Jessie's life changing visit to London, Claire's titillating rendezvous, bowling with bumpers, dropping cash for love, and misinterpreting innocent texts, the ladies cover it all. They also revisit last year's resolutions (which they may or may not have stuck to) and set some new ones for the year ahead (which they may or may not stick to). 

Jan 05, 202201:14:15
High on Life and Cocaine

High on Life and Cocaine

Jessie & Claire fulfilled some Thanksgiving wishes with the help of neighborhood bars, old friends, and high hookups. Jessie is back in action on the apps doing some research before her holiday travels. Claire finally got her dancing fix at an 80s night but felt in her 60s the days following. Big update! The ladies have decided to take the month of December off from the podcast so they can fill up their journals with overseas & overstate adventures. They'll be back in 2022 to fill you all in!

Dec 01, 202144:16
Time for a Matchmaker, Matchmaker
Nov 24, 202151:27
Others Doing The Work

Others Doing The Work

In a much deserved break, the ladies took a back seat to the hard work this week. Jessie hits the town with a confident, hot friend who knows how to make a move while the jenga blocks fall. Claire was contacted by a matchmaker to go on her first official date with a woman. She's flying blind with no information beyond the time and place to meet. To which she's going to do her best to not be late. 

Nov 17, 202143:20
Power Singles

Power Singles

Celebrating Singles Day on 11.11, Jessie and Claire read through a suspicious list of 15 Things Only Single People Can Enjoy. The only thing they learned is the author needs to be checked on. While on the single subject, they chat about their own favorite parts of being single and parts they miss about couple hood. Claire just misses having an audience to laugh at her commentary. They've decided it's time to pay it forward by using their expert dating/relationship advice for any audience questions so send them in! Email to nosuchthingasloveshow@gmail.com or DM us on Instagram @nosuchthingasloveshow

Nov 10, 202147:57
Lessons in Domme
Nov 03, 202101:19:14
All Treats, No Tricks

All Treats, No Tricks

Feeding off Jessie's new childlike enthusiasm for Halloween, the ladies chat about Halloween's past with hidden razor blades in candy and turtlenecks under ballerina costumes. Claire is proud of her successful match of a Hinge suitor with Jessie, telling 6'10" to get an STI test, and connecting with an on and off again app match. Jessie is back to requiring a video vetting call before dates and both ladies discuss how the fall air can bring on some holiday dread.

Oct 27, 202149:31
Swiping Left on God
Oct 20, 202148:46
Lab Result Truths

Lab Result Truths

Jessie is at the height of her game and Claire is winding down for her final act. At least that's what she feels from the recent confirmation she's perimenopausal. The trickery is that she also has chlamydia so fun can be had at any age! Jessie reached a new level of euphoria with Mr Rain which unlocked the sex goddess witch within her. It's the season of witches after all. 

Oct 13, 202101:08:41
Blue Boobing
Oct 06, 202145:55
What's In A Label
Sep 29, 202101:13:08
Don't Worry Be Horny
Sep 22, 202154:34
Bearded Lady

Bearded Lady

The ladies are figuring out their type. Their type of fashion, their type of communication, and their type of attraction.  Jessie tried to date outside her type and was only reassured of what she likes when seeing the wind blow through her non-type's hair. Claire can spot Jessie's type even when she's shopping for herself. She's reached out to a few bearded men on the apps about connecting with her best friend. No successful connections yet but she's changing how she approaches them now. The ladies break down the relationship issues within their new favorite show, 7 Year Switch. They solve of the marital issues seen because the ladies are clearly experts on marriages after all these years of being single. 

Sep 15, 202101:03:38
Double 3s

Double 3s

Its officially double digit season with Jessie celebrating 33 this week and Claire sitting pretty in 44. The ladies are also celebrating Sexual Health Month by encouraging everyone to get their undercarriages checked. Claire had multiple missed connections: one honest with his mental health, one that fully ghosted, and one who believes she's a bad texter with only him. We all know, he's not that special. Jessie found herself in an unexpected crime scene when her cycle was kickstarted from major fun in the boudoir. She also had a full daytime make-out in the park after showing up as her authentic self. The ladies found a new favorite show, 7 Year Switch. Catch up on season 2 and they'll dive into the juicy deets and opinions next week.


Sep 08, 202101:03:39
Skin Deep
Sep 01, 202101:20:22
I Don't Miss You
Aug 25, 202101:11:38
Other Side of the Slump

Other Side of the Slump

Tell tale signs of a slump? Eating poorly? Check. Spending copious amounts of money? Check. Fully disconnecting from your body while choosing to be with someone of no interest just so you aren't alone? Check. Jessie walks us through her recent dip and the poor decisions that followed. Claire went on a date that was 4 years in the making. Unfortunately her body issues crept in to negate any attraction she might have had for a man more slender than her. 

Aug 18, 202154:27
Cuddle My Coffin

Cuddle My Coffin

You know it's a good week when everyone got cuddled. Desperate for a kind, comforting touch, Claire hired a professional cuddler. She broke down some barriers while nervously talking during the full hour. Jessie got some extra cuddling from a recent recurring character, Mr Rain. She had an extensive talk with her old self who kept asking for her to clarify the relationship. Turns out, her old self may just need a cuddle too. 

Aug 11, 202101:02:04
We're Back!

We're Back!

Inspired by their physical equal, Simone Biles, the ladies needed to take a mental health break last week. Thankfully they're back in action with stories about Claire feeling petite for the first and only time in her life, Jessie's lip swelling to the size of an angry army mere minutes before a date, and the ongoing effort to unlearn insecurity triggers.

Aug 04, 202153:18