OH GOD IT BURNS!!! Your Buyer's Guide to Bad Comics

BURN OINTMENT is an appendix series offering recommendations for further reading and general chatter inspired by the main episodes of the OH GOD IT BURNS!!! series. If you're looking for a full length discussion of Dark Knight III: The Master Race, go back and take a listen to our previous episode.

You know, it was only a matter of time before DC got wise to the fact that they didn’t really need Frank Miller to either write, plot, or be in any reasonable way creatively involved with a book for them to still make money off of it. All they needed was his precious, precious name, so just as our great Cheeto in Chief had once licensed his name off to towers, water bottles, and steaks, DC would do the same with old Frankie and pay him for his most valued asset – his name. After all, the company had been grooming its very own Frank Miller in a lab for years, and with the demand for sequels to beloved properties sky high, it was time to unleash Brian Azzarello so they could put that leash on Frank.

Dark Knight III: The Master Race succeeds in being a thoroughly competent follow-up to the original Dark Knight Returns, albeit missing all of the familiar insanity of its predecessors. Adam Kubert is on art doing his best Miller impersonation, and after a few issues (and a few very honest interviews where Miller flat out admitted that he had no involvement with the story), Frankie was even brought on to deliver some honestly stunning artwork and pen the back-up stories.

You’ve seen him at his best. You’ve seen him broken. You’ve seen him angry. But you’ve never seen Frank Miller quite like this before: under adult supervision. So get ready to hit the back-issue bins and snap up the series destined to restore balance to your coveted Longbox of Cursed and Forgotten Comics on this week’s rejuvenating episode of OH GOD IT BURNS!!!

BURN OINTMENT is an appendix series offering recommendations for further  reading and general chatter inspired by the main episodes of the OH GOD  IT BURNS!!! series. If you're looking for a full length discussion of Holy Terror, go back and take a listen to our previous  episode.

Welcome back to the oven my crispy cousins for another episode of OH GOD IT BURNS!!! Your buyer’s guide to bad comics.

Today on the pod we’re continuing our look at Frank Miller’s Dark Knight Returns universe with a slight twist: the title we’re covering today is not officially a Batman story. Some might call that cheating, but in order to fully understand why 2011’s Holy Terror has earned a spot on the list you’ll need to know about its very long and very interesting publication history where it was originally developed as a propaganda comic starring – you guessed it – Batman as he works side-by-side with his lover/freaky sex kitten Catwoman to seek revenge on Al-Qaeda following a devastating terror attack on Gotham City. It was to be a spiritual successor to books like Captain America #1, the cover of which depicts Cap knocking Hitler’s jaw off, but because Frank was still in a very dark place following the events of 9/11, it instead became something more vile and hateful, albeit with a very poignant message about how PTSD can infect the lives of the victims in very deep-rooted and incurable ways.

Understandably, DC no longer had any interest in affiliating Batman with this title, and Frank took this to his second home at Dark Horse to publish this as a standalone graphic novel with barely-tweaked costume designs to set them apart from their iconic DC spirit animals.

People love to hate on this book for its blatantly Islamophobic overtones, but those who read this for the story beyond the page will find a tale of redemption for Frank Miller as an artist. Following Dark Knight Strikes Again, it was clear that he had continued to deal with the fallout from the World Trade Center attacks, and that he had been carrying that anger knotted up in his gut for years, just looking for a solid pillow to scream it all out in. Holy Terror is that pillow, and that is why we believe this title deserves a spot in your coveted Longbox of Cursed and Forbidden comics, so listen along as Bruno and I detail the many therapeutic ways this book helped Frankie get his groove back on this week’s meditative episode of OH GOD IT BURNS!!!

BURN OINTMENT is an appendix series offering recommendations for further reading and general chatter inspired by the main episodes of the OH GOD IT BURNS!!! series. If you're looking for a full length discussion of Dark Knight Strikes Again, go back and take a listen to our previous episode. 

Hello again my crispy cousins, and welcome back to another episode of OH GOD IT BURNS!!! Your Buyer’s Guide to Bad Comics.

Without a doubt Frank Miller wrote two of the most influential comics of all time when he dropped Batman Year One and Dark Knight Returns barely within a year of one another. It was an amazing time, made even more amazing by the fact that in those same years we saw the release of Alan Moore’s Watchmen, Art Spiegelman’s Maus, JM DeMatteis’ Spider-Man: Kraven’s Last Hunt, and oh – what’s this? – oh, yeah, that’s just some other Frank Miller comic called Daredevil Born Again. No biggie.

All of these comics were collectively responsible for legitimizing the medium comics as a genuine literary artform, and I don’t know if you were keeping count, but out of the six stories I mentioned above, our boy Frankie accounted for 50% of them. So when I say that 1986 showcased Frank Miller in his prime, understand that this man was almost single-handedly responsible for changing the industry for the better – and for the worse.

2001’s Dark Knight Strikes Again definitely falls into the worse category, and it does so in what has become one of most psychologically tortured, erratic, and drug fueled journeys into misery ever published. And we owe it all to Osama Bin Laden. If Bane broke the Bat, it was 9/11 that broke the Frank, and for anybody who has dared to endure this book to the last page, it is evident that this series is a masterwork in creative self-destruction, and one that is an absolutely essential addition to your coveted Longbox of Cursed and Forbidden Comics, not only for how it so thoroughly disgraces its predecessor on the surface, but also for how it stands as heart-wrenching metaphor for how the great indominable American spirit was emotionally shattered in the face of such real-world existential evil.

Bruno and I cover all the bases and leave no stone unturned as we agonize over Frank Miller’s Dark Knight Strikes Again on this week’s episode of OH GOD IT BURNS!!!

Welcome back to OH GOD IT BURNS!!! Your buyer’s guide to bad comics.

The episode you are about to pipe into your ear holes is a rebroadcast of our first episode in the Miller Time series, which takes a deep dive into the depraved and maniacal world of Frank Miller’s Dark Knight Returns universe, starting with the beautifully psychotic mess that is All-Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder. Why a rebroadcast? Because the collector in me goes absolutely nuts when there's a gap in a story, especially one that's as Dan DiDio-sized as the past few episodes. 

While the title of this series makes it seem like we’re in for a world of whimsical fisticuffs and other brazen acts of derring-do, this series pulls an impressive magic act switcheroo and instead feeds us what is essentially a 10-issue manifesto on how Batman is actually a borderline terrorist child abuser with a hard on for hero hating. Also, he says stuff like “whirling dervish” and “why the fuck you feeding the kid cheeseburgers, Alfred! He’s supposed to be hunting rats!”

Seriously guys, there are so so many reasons this series deserves space in your coveted Longbox of Cursed and Forbidden Comics – as does, by extension all other entries in Frankie’s Dark Knight Returns universe - but if I started listing them off here we’d never actually get to the show. So without further ado, I am proud to re-present to you our first episode in Miller Time as we watch the all-star train wreck that is All-Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder on this week’s episode of OH GOD IT BURNS!!!

Hello again everyone and welcome back to OH GOD IT BURNS!!! - your buyer’s guide to bad comics.

Regular listeners of the pod may remember a few weeks back when I had our first-ever guest Jason on the show to talk about the sudden departure of Dan DiDio from DC comics. What you probably didn’t know is that we actually met to talk about a bad comic that he holds near and dear to his heart. It was my feeble attempt to maintain productivity while Bruno and his lovely girlfriend and Ben Folds enthusiast Lilith were out of town at a food and wine festival. And because Jason had done such an amazing job on that episode I said “what the hell! Let’s go ahead and record your episode anyway,” much to the chagrin of my wife, who is exceptionally loving and understanding – except in situations when I don’t communicate this with her and make her wait an additional 2 hours for the dinner I promised I’d make.

Yeah, I know, I messed up, but you know who didn’t mess up? Jason. This guy’s a beast when it comes to obscure comics knowledge, and since he’s a wee bit older than both Bruno and I, he actually got me reading something that was published before the year 2000, which is something I’ll forever be indebted to him for. And that comic was the six-part Iron Man/War Machine/Force Works crossover titled Hands of the Mandarin! Starring – you guessed it! – everyone’s favorite evil Asian stereotype and longtime Iron Man villain – the Mandarin! And this time, he’s got different hands!

So get ready to add another mighty Marvel mistake to your Longbox of Cursed and Forbidden Comics as we peek back into the times before Tony Stark had his coming out party, and back when it was OK to write a black man like the only exposure you had to African Americans was that one scene from Airplane when the old lady knew how to speak jive. Ya dig, m’man? So listen up, homie, as we party down with Hands of the Mandarin on this week’s episode of…

Having just covered our reactions to the news that Dan Didio had left DC (which you can listen to in the previous episode), we felt that it was necessary to take a short break from Frank Miller’s tragic sequels to the Dark Knight Returns universe, and focus our attention briefly on some of the worst stories to be published under Didio’s watch. Thankfully, we didn’t have to put too much extra work into it, since we had already recorded and handful of unpublished episodes that we decided were too rough to ever see the light of day, but now seem pretty relevant, and among them were 2009’s 7-issue superhero tribute to misery porn, Justice League: Cry for Justice by legendary writer James Robinson, and it’s follow-up Rise of Arsenal by JT Krul.

As we touched on last episode, following fan outcry to DC comics putting the kibosh on Batwoman’s marriage, Dan DiDio took to the forums and responded to fans thusly:

“Heroes shouldn’t have happy personal lives. They are committed to being that person and committed to defending others at the sacrifice of their own personal interests. That’s very important and something we reinforced. It’s wonderful that they try to establish personal lives, but it’s equally important that they set them aside. That is our mandate, that is our edict and that is our stand.”

For my money – and yours – there’s no series that better exemplifies DiDio’s Decree and how horribly it can backfire than Justice League: Cry for Justice. So join Bruno and I as we cry, shout justice, and cry while shouting justice in the series that is destined to stand out as the crown jewel in your longbox of cursed and forbidden comics on this week’s episode of…

OH GOD IT BURNS!!! A Buyer's Guide to Bad Comics.

Superman! Walking! Talking! Eating pie! In denial about his depression! Fighting with an overly emotional teacher! DC Comics wanted Superman to go out with a bang before their line-wide New 52 relaunch, and not only did they not get what they bargained for, but they didn't tell writer J Michael Strasczynski about these plans, so he made like the Man of Steel and walked away from the franchise.

Join hosts Nik and Bruno as they watch Superman walk the walk (and not much else) in J Michael Strasczynski and Eddy Barrows' mega-hyped anti-epic Superman: Grounded, from the pages of Superman #'s 700-714.

All we can say is... Chris Roberson, you tried your best. 

By all measures, there's no reason Gabriel Stacy should have survived the events of One More Day. The fans hated him, the man who created him did everything he could to distance himself from him, and the Brand New Day reboot gave Spider-Man editorial the best reason to sweep his wannabe goblin ass under the rug along with his sister and never speak of them again. It was the perfect setup. 

That is, until the writers needed a PLOT TWIST!

Join Nik and Bruno as they read through the last hurrah of the Stacy Twins as Gabriel tries to do his imprisoned papa proud by stealing the American Son armor from top secret government lockup and tormenting his brother Harry as he struggles with a failing coffee shop and a looming drug addiction in Amazing Spider-Man Presents: American Son #1-4.

After enjoying Sins Past as much as they did, Nik and Bruno really REALLY wanted to like this series. Alas, it was not meant to be. But that doesn't mean we can't milk some enjoyment out of this cow that's been exclusively fed grass that grows in front of Gwen Stacy's tombstone (mmm... organic)! Mystery, drugs, gangs, Goblins, and underage smooches abound in the follow-up to the JMS classic that JMS didn't even bother to write! We're talking Samm Barnes' and Scott Eaton's Sins Remembered: Sarah's story, which was originally published as Spectacular Spider-Man (vol. 2) #'s 23-26, and was coincidentally one of the last stories published before that title was abruptly canceled. Coincidence? Probably. But that shouldn't deter you from suffering alongside us as the Saga of the Stacy Twins continues on OH GOD IT BURNS!!!

Nik and Bruno have caught Baby Fever, as they continue their month-long dive into the origins of the most notorious Spider-Babies of all: The Stacy Twins! This is the story that caused many fans to turn on J. Michael Straszcynski, but was it worth all of the trouble? 

Join us as we read through Norman Orborn's "How to Raise a Goblin Army: For Dummies" in the near-universally reviled Amazing Spider-Man #'s 509-514!

With each New Year comes new beginnings, which is why Nik and Bruno are dedicating the month of January to the infamously terrible origins of the Spectacular Spider-Babies, starting with the not-so-humble secret origins of Peter Parker. In this episode, we read through the Mark Millar and Terry Dodson's sex comedy that's all about Aunt May and the zany lengths she will go to in order to get that "D"! (And also about how she gets pregnant with Peter Parker from said "D" and pawns him off on her best friend, who happens to be dating the man who got her pregnant.) It all goes down in 2003's Trouble #'s 1-5, brought lovingly to you by the soon-to-be-defunct EPIC imprint. 

In order to prepare themselves for this special oversized episode, Nik and Bruno hit up the local theater to view what many have deemed the worst movie of 2019: CATS! While the verdict's out on whether it truly lived up to the anti-hype (Nik kind of liked it), they decide to hold their own Jellicle Ball to decide which of the following stinkers will be granted a second life:

• Batman: Knightmare and City of Bane by Tom King
• Ric Grayson (a byproduct of Tom King's once glorious Batman run)
• Heroes in Crisis (Tom King again?!?)
• Amazing Spider-Man by Nick Spencer
• Absolute Carnage by Donny Cates, Ryan Stegman, and the most clueless editors in comics
• JLA Odyssey by Joshua Williamson
• Tony Stark: Iron Man by Dan Slott, Jim Zub, and Cristos Gage
• Aquaman by Kelly Sue DeConnick

In true Jellicle fashion, one of these series will be loaded into a balloon and launched toward the sun without any sunscreen or water while Nik and Bruno sing joyously on the rooftops.

Oh, and we also talk about the comics you should have read and should be reading going into 2020, as well as a rundown of all the BIG plans we have in store for the New Year!

THIS IS IT!!! The series that Zimmermonth has been leading up to is finally here, as hosts Nik and Bruno delve to the depths of human incompetence and subject themselves to the depraved ramblings of former Marvel president Bill Jemas not one, but TWICE! That's right - we recorded our episode for 2002's Marville twice due to technical difficulties, and we did it all for you. 

So sit back and recoil in horror, dear listeners, as we flay the skins off of our backs in an attempt to recapture what was good about the initial recording while staving off the inevitable madness that comes from prolonged exposure to works as evil as this. 

Damn you, Bill Jemas! 

Now that Zimmer-month is in the books, Nik and Bruno rank their favorite to least favorite of his stories in the laughing manner that only those who have survived traumatic incidents can do. 

THEN!

We set up the next leg of our delicious turkey dinner by delving into the history of Marvel's infamous U-Decide event, which sets the stage for what is quite possibly the worst comic ever published - Bill Jemas' MARVILLE!

Ron Zimmerman! Duncan Fegredo! Ultimate Adventures #1-6!

Aaaannd that's literally all the excitement I could muster for this episode. Brace yourselves, because this one's a real Journey Into Misery, as we chronicle the adventures of the Ultimate Universe's lazy answer to Batman, and the child sidekick that will make you want to go back in time and vote for Joker to bash HIS skull in with a crowbar. 

At least the art is good. The rest is but a masochistic memory. 

With only one more major story left in Ron Zimmerman's comics career, Nik and Bruno dedicate this episode to running down the scattered one-shots and backups that Joe Quesada gave him to keep Ronny busy until he got the hint and stopped calling. Surprisingly, the highs are really high - classic, even - but the low points? Man... those low points are LEGENDARY!

So join us as we ride these bombs like Dr. Strangelove as we run down:

• Spider-Man's Tanged Web #13
• Punisher #8
• Startling Stories: The Thing
• Spider-Man and Jay Leno: One Night Only
• Spider-Man: Sweet Charity

So hit up your local comics shop, but just remember to swing by CVS to pick up some burn ointment, because these turds are on FIRE.

After a surprisingly enjoyable first two episodes, Nik and Bruno are back to see if Ron Zimmerman can keep it up (*wink*) with the sequel seven years in the making: Rawhide Kid: Sensation Seven 1-4. Along the way we lost legendary artist John Severin, but we gained another comics master in Howard Chaykin. But is his beautiful rendition of the wild west enough to save this mini-series from Zimmerman's most tired comedic impulses? 

Well, no. But it sure does look purty.

Ron Zimmerman proved himself a worthy forerunner of the #MeToo era with Get Kraven, but is he a friend of the gays?

Ron Zimmermonth continues as Nik and Bruno slap leather and saddle up for a ride out to the wild west in 2003's MAX revival of the Rawhide Kid! This 5-issue "mature readers" series gained notoriety for becoming the first to feature an openly gay title character (sorry Northstar), only to become infamous for its disappointing handling of the material. 

But even though this series has become a punchline in the modern comics community, there is still some fun to be had in these pages as Zimmerman tries out his best Mel Brooks impersonation and shoots from the hip in this LGBTQ successor to Blazing Saddles. 

So giddyup, pard'ner, and remember to wear yer oven mitts, cuz it's about to get fuh-laming on this week's episode of OH GOD IT BURNS!!!

On this first episode of OH GOD IT BURNS, Nik and Bruno look back at one of the most forgettable Spider-Man movie tie-ins from 2002 and come to realization that it may be one of the most culturally important pieces of literature published in the past 20 years! This comic tries to takes down the Weinsteins, y'all. No joke. 

Long before Rose McGowan launched a public movement against Harvey Weinstein, television writer Ron Zimmerman (he of 7th Heaven and Action and dating Cher) was making his big break at Marvel Comics, heralded by Joe Quesada himself. He came in at a time when Hollywood writers of the likes of Kevin Smith and J. Michael Strasczynski were steering the industry toward into the NuMarvel age of comics. He came out swinging with hot takedowns, but ended up flailing when it came to writing anything that was actually... good?

Which begs the question:

If the #MeToo movement started in a Spider-Man comic that nobody read, does it still count as a key issue?

That, intrepid listeners, is a question only the Ebay marketplace can answer.