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How to Parent Peacefully. With the Hand in Hand Parenting approach.

How to Parent Peacefully. With the Hand in Hand Parenting approach.

By Pamela Quiery

Welcome to my podcast How to Parent Peacefully. Join me, Pamela Quiery, certified Hand in Hand Parenting Instructor, as I share with you the secrets to parenting with connection, not control. If you’re ready to enjoy raising your children by creating a peaceful home where kids want to cooperate and you keep your cool, you’re in the right place.

You’ll be inspired to create a peaceful and playful home without resorting to threats or bribes so that you can create life-long, connected relationships with your kids and support them to be happy, confident and peaceful.
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#033 When a child favours one parent or caregiver

How to Parent Peacefully. With the Hand in Hand Parenting approach.

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#054 How to deal with swearing and name calling
#054 How to deal with swearing and name calling
Most of us have been there when our child is name calling or using swear words. It usually brings up a big reaction in us. We respond harshly or we aren't sure how to respond at all. And that is often where the desire to swear arises from with our children. They notice the reaction it brings up in us. Seeing this reaction is compelling to them. Or perhaps name-calling can be something a child turns to when they are feeling grumpy and disconnected. They direct their discontent towards you or their sibling with words like "You're an idiot". As always, I am interested in looking beyond controlling the behaviour and instead I always try to understand the feelings and needs driving that behaviour. When we take action from a place of empathy and emotional awareness it is much more effective and satisfying than focusing on changing behaviour. So in this episode I talk about how we can respond to children when they swear or name-call and what we can do to prevent it or manage it in a connecting way. Learn more about connection-based parenting in my upcoming free Masterclass Why Your Kids Won't Listen and What You Can Do About It - Thursday 8th December at 8pm UK time. If you would love to build your own emotional intelligence I would like to invite you to join my six month mentoring program: The Peaceful Parent School. Click here to find out more and book your place.  If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents. I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.
28:49
December 03, 2022
#053 What does emotionally mature parenting look like and how do you get there?
#053 What does emotionally mature parenting look like and how do you get there?
When I became a parent I would have told you I had life figured out. If you had asked me about my emotional world, I couldn’t have explained much about it.  Yes, I wanted my children to be ‘good with their emotions’,, but I wasn’t very good with my own emotions - so how was I supposed to model or teach this to my own children? Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, as well as recognise the emotions of those around you. It is the key to emotional wellbeing and healthy relationships.  So what does emotionally mature parenting look like and how do you get there? Listen to this week's episode to hear my thoughts. If you would love to build your own emotional intelligence I would like to invite you to join my six month mentoring program The Peaceful Parent School. Click here to find out more and book your place.  If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents. I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.
41:27
November 26, 2022
#052 Do natural or logical consequences have a place in Gentle Parenting?
#052 Do natural or logical consequences have a place in Gentle Parenting?
There is a lot of talk in parenting circles about consequences. So I wanted to spend a bit of time breaking down what exactly we mean by consequences, including logical consequences and natural consequences. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen parents in Facebook groups looking for help to think of a logical or a natural consequence for their child’s behaviour. This comes from a belief that children will only learn from their actions if every behaviour has some kind of consequence. The problem is that there is a very fine line between a consequence and a punishment. It comes down to our motivation. Are we trying to manipulate our child’s behaviour so they behave in certain ways or are we there to support them and offer connection when they are struggling? Once we get clear on our motivations, we can approach children’s behaviour with a level of trust and connection that will strengthen the parent-child relationship. When we try to control children’s behaviour through using systems of punishments and rewards, we are using our power over our children. This erodes trust and leads to more tricky behaviour in the long term. If you haven’t already, you might want to check out last week’s episode 51 where I break down punishments and rewards. I would also like to invite you to my new workshop The Screen Time Solution where I am going to talk about how to end the screen battles and stay connected to your children in a digital world. It takes place on Thursday 24th November at 8pm UK Time (12pm PST, 3pm EST). Click here to find out more and book your place.  If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents. I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach. I always love to hear from my listeners.
20:29
November 19, 2022
#051 Is it really possible to parent without punishments and rewards?
#051 Is it really possible to parent without punishments and rewards?
There is a common myth that we have to reward good behaviour and have consequences for bad behaviour in order to get our children to listen and behave. How do you get your kids to listen? What leverage do you have left as a parent if you can’t use a threat or a bribe to get your child to comply? The problem is that rewards and punishments make children look outside of themselves for how to behave. Instead, you want to teach children to look within themselves, to their own internal compass of what is right and wrong. In this episode I talk in depth about how using systems of rewards and punishments to control children’s behaviour can damage the parent-child relationship and lead to more disconnection and more conflict. I also talk about the alternative to this type of conditional parenting which focuses on connection and building relationship as a way to help children stay connected to themselves and create a cooperative, happy home as a result. Click here if you would like to learn more about my Peaceful Parent School, my transformative six month program designed to make peaceful parenting a reality in your home and help you create a lifelong deep and satisfying relationship with your child based on connection, not control. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents. I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach and I always love to hear from my listeners.
47:43
November 12, 2022
#050 Your parent questions answered: supporting children with learning, sitting at the dinner table and off-track behaviour when Grandma is visiting
#050 Your parent questions answered: supporting children with learning, sitting at the dinner table and off-track behaviour when Grandma is visiting
Today I am celebrating the 50th episode of the podcast by answering some of your parenting questions.  I talk about supporting children with school and learning and the importance of focusing on our children's emotional development after which learning will follow.  Next up, I talk about how to deal with children who don't want to sit at the dinner table and cause chaos at mealtimes. I talk about what might be driving the tricky behaviour and how we can overcome it in gentle ways. You can read more about gentle ways to help children sit at the table in my blog article here. And finally I answer a question about a child's behaviour going way off-track every time Grandma comes to visit. I explore what deeper emotions the behaviour might be communicating and ways to nurture children so they can better regulate their emotions in these moments.  If you would like to learn more about how you can bring these ideas into your own parenting then you are so welcome to join my next free Masterclass which takes place on Tuesday 8th November 2022 at 8pm UK/Ireland time (12pm PST / 3pm PST). If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents.  I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach and I always love to hear from my listeners.
37:31
November 05, 2022
#049 Respecting children's fears and uncertainty at times like Halloween
#049 Respecting children's fears and uncertainty at times like Halloween
Today I talk about respecting our children when they are hesitating or feeling uncertain about joining in at times like Halloween, but also other times like getting photos taken with Santa, joining in at birthday parties or participating in other activities you’ve signed them up for. Whatever the situation may be, it is really common for young children to be uncertain at these times, to hesitate and hang back in your safety. For me it always seemed like everyone else’s children were so much more confident and well-adjusted compared to my daughter who would be hiding her head in my leg and clinging on to me for dear life. I would watch the other kids happily running around, taking part, enjoying themselves and I wanted that for my daughter. I would have all these thoughts swirling around in my head - What is wrong with her? Why can’t she be more independent? I wish she was like the other kids. But over time I became more adept at trusting my daughter and attuning to her and what she needed at those times. Because when I thought about it, it was important to me to trust my daughter’s timing, to allow her to trust herself and what felt right for her so that as she grows up, she stays connected to what is right for her and what is out of her comfort zone - and she knows it is ok to trust and honour that. Parents have a fear that if they don’t push their children then they will get left behind and they have to foster independence in their children from an early age. But when we focus on creating a secure attachment, this sets the stage for confidence in later life. It also allows kids to stay connected to their yes and no, to trust themselves. In this episode I also discuss when there is a time and a place to support our children to do things they think are beyond them and how we can encourage them out of their comfort zone in a supportive and sensitive way, making space for their fears and worries, so they can move past them. All in a child-centred way that attunes to your child’s needs rather than acting out of your own fears and insecurities. I share some practical responses you can use to reassure yourself and validate your child’s experience in these tricky moments when they are struggling to take part or feeling unsure of themselves. If you would like to learn more about how you can bring these ideas into your own parenting then you are so welcome to join my next free Masterclass which takes place on Tuesday 8th November 2022 at 8pm UK/Ireland time (12pm PST / 3pm PST). If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents. I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach and I always love to hear from my listeners.
25:54
October 29, 2022
#048 Seven ways to keep your cool when your child is pushing your buttons
#048 Seven ways to keep your cool when your child is pushing your buttons
The biggest gift you can give your children when they are struggling with big emotions, when they are frustrated or upset, is to be the calm in their storm. It is your parenting superpower. When you can come to the situation with calm, you can be the confident leader your child needs in that moment. You can model emotional regulation and help your child co-regulate with your balanced system. If you join them in their upset, their frustration, their meltdown, their drama, then both your limbic systems go into fight, flight or freeze response. Neither of you can think well and nobody is going to be able to regulate their emotions very well. If you aren’t able to stay calm, that’s when you start to take things personally, when you start to view your child as the enemy, you lose your perspective, you get swept away by thoughts like - “They’re manipulating me, they’re doing this on purpose, they should know better, how dare they behave like this after all I’ve done for them”. It’s so hard not to get drawn in but that’s exactly what will be most helpful. You stay as a compassionate observer. In this episode I talk about seven ways you can keep your cool when your child is struggling: Change your perspective Adjust your expectations Welcome strong emotions Take a time out for you Take care of your own nervous system Notice when you are triggered and get the emotional support you need Get your own needs met as a parent If you would like to learn more about how you can bring these ideas into your own parenting then you are so welcome to join my next free Masterclass which takes place on Tuesday 8th November 2022 at 8pm UK/Ireland time (12pm PST / 3pm PST). If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents. I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach and I always love to hear from my listeners.
39:38
October 22, 2022
#047 The power of listening and the origins of Hand in Hand Parenting with Patty Wipfler
#047 The power of listening and the origins of Hand in Hand Parenting with Patty Wipfler
This week I talk to Patty Wipfler, founder of Hand in Hand Parenting.  Patty has been working with parents for 47 years. Over that time she has developed the parenting by connection approach, the five listening tools you hear me talk about on the podcast (Listening Partnerships for parents, Staylistening, Setting Limits, Special Time and Playlistening) and the Hand in Hand Parenting organisation which supports 1000s of parents around the world.  In this episode Patty generously shares with us the story of her own childhood and how that had a profound influence on her life's work of making lives better for children and parents. Patty experienced from a very early age the impact parent stress can have on the family system and she has used that experience to guide her work with parents.  Patty talks about how the Hand in Hand Parenting approach emerged firstly from being listened to herself and then through using the same principles to listen to children. She talks about the power of connection and the huge stress parents face in a world that doesn't support parents well.  Patty embodies how listening to parents and children with warmth, love and respect can change the world.  She has such deep compassion and wisdom to share with us, you are in for a real treat.  If you would like to learn more about how you can bring these ideas into your own parenting then you are so welcome to join my next free Masterclass which takes place on Tuesday 8th November 2022 at 8pm UK/Ireland time (12pm PST / 3pm PST). If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and consider leaving an iTunes review. It will help this conversation reach even more parents.  I would love to stay in touch! You can follow me on Facebook and Instagram @PamParentCoach and I always love to hear from my listeners. 
01:21:29
October 15, 2022
#046 Supporting our children to cope with grief, death and dying
#046 Supporting our children to cope with grief, death and dying
This week I talk about how we can support our children to cope with grief, death and dying. We want to protect our children from grief. It is such a difficult time if you and your family are experiencing grief, if there is a death in your immediate family, a parent, a grandparent, a close family member, a friend, someone in the community - or a much loved pet. Your child might start to ask about death or they might have some big feelings if they lose someone they love. In this episode I talk about how we can support our children to cope with grief, death and dying. I explore: When children are asking a lot of questions about death, and are afraid of you or someone else they love dying. How you can support a child who is experiencing grief themselves. When you experience a loss, the effect that has on your child and how you can support yourself and your child through a difficult time. Please share this episode with a friend who you think might find it helpful and follow me on Instagram.
36:32
October 08, 2022
#045 Raising Body Happy Kids with Molly Forbes
#045 Raising Body Happy Kids with Molly Forbes
This week I talk to writer, campaigner and journalist Molly Forbes. Molly is author of the book Body Happy Kids: how to help children and teens love the skin they’re in. In this episode, Molly shares her own journey to becoming body happy and how that led to her passion to help parents and children be happy in their bodies too. We go on to talk about a wide range of topics with lots of practical ideas to help you raise body happy kids and become more body happy yourself. We talk about: Anti-fat bias, thin privilege and how they are intertwined with sexism, racism and ableism. Why Molly talks about “body happy” instead of “body image” How to challenge the idea that some bodies are good bodies and some bodies are bad bodies depending on how they look Why body image is more than how we feel when we look in the mirror How to feel at peace with your body in a world that doesn’t equate appearance with value Ways to improve your own body happiness and undo your biases around weight and appearance so you can model this to your children Helping children recognise diet culture The myth that health is directly linked to body size Why we need to shift our focus from individual responsibility to addressing the bigger systems that influence our health and wellbeing. How to help children develop a long term healthy relationship with food and movement. I absolutely loved this conversation with Molly. I highly recommend following her on social media @mollyjforbes @bodyhappyorg and checking out her Body Happy website. You can download Molly's free information pack about the UK’s National Child Measurement Programme. Follow me on social media Instagram and Facebook @PamParentCoach
57:46
October 01, 2022
#044 Why gentle parenting is about connection instead of control
#044 Why gentle parenting is about connection instead of control
I talk a lot about connection on the podcast, it is at the heart of the Hand in Hand Parenting approach. And then I realised I’ve never done an episode dedicated to talking about connection. So here it is - long overdue. I often hear people ask - what exactly is gentle parenting? Or maybe they call it peaceful parenting, conscious parenting, respectful parenting or attachment parenting. For me, gentle parenting is all about moving from control-based parenting to connection-based parenting. Are we trying to control our children’s behaviour or are we trying to build cooperation through relationship and connection? In this episode I discuss: Why gentle parenting means something different for everyone What control based parenting is and why it has been the dominant parenting style for so long How Hand in Hand Parenting takes a very different approach to understanding children’s behaviour The neuroscience of connection and how that impacts on children’s behaviour Why we can trust children’s true nature without having to control it How to respond to children when they’ve lost their sense of connection When connection doesn’t seem to be enough, what else can be getting in the way Why it can be so difficult to parent without control, especially when we are exhausted, stressed or under-resourced How to put all of these ideas into practice using the Hand in Hand Parenting tools. To find out more about how to bring more connection and cooperation into your family, sign up to my free Why Your Kids Won't Listen Masterclass and follow me on Instagram and Facebook.
35:18
September 24, 2022
#043 How to help children stay connected to their true selves
#043 How to help children stay connected to their true selves
In this week’s episode I talk about raising children who are able to stay connected to their true selves. In this week’s episode I talk about raising children who are able to stay connected to their true selves. I believe the only way to be truly content and satisfied in life is to be able to stay connected to ourselves and what we truly want and need in life. When we are able to act from a place of connection to ourselves and make decisions based on what is in line with our true selves, I believe it is the best way to live a happy, satisfying and fulfilling life. However, we often learn very early on that it isn’t ok to be ourselves. We have to change what we want or need to meet the needs of others, or to avoid disappointing others. So how do we help our children stay connected to themselves - so they don’t have to spend half their adult life figuring that out? In this episode I talk about: Doing our own emotional work to reconnect with ourselves so we can model to our children how to be true to ourselves whilst still being compassionate to others. Taking our kids and their feelings seriously so they learn that it’s ok to be themselves. How to make sure our love isn’t conditional on whether our children behave in a certain way. Giving children as much autonomy as you can without being permissive. Help our children stand up for themselves through the power of play. How to be accepting of our kids when they aren’t able to be themselves. I hope you find the episode helpful. If you want to take the next step and get the support you need to make these ideas a reality in your home then the doors are open to my Peaceful Parent School, we begin on 21st September, click on the link to learn more.
39:20
September 17, 2022
#042 Ten tips for raising children who actually like you when they grow up
#042 Ten tips for raising children who actually like you when they grow up
Most of us have big hopes and dreams for our children when we become parents. The type of people they will grow up to be, the type of relationship they will have with us as they grow and eventually become adults. But so often those hopes and dreams seem to get swamped in the day to day chaos of parenting. I believe we all hope to have a close and loving relationship with our children throughout their lives as they grow up into adults. So in this episode I share my 10 tips to raising children who will actually like you when they grow up. I always like to zoom out and think about the bigger picture of what we're trying to achieve with our children in terms of our long term relationship with them. Yes, we want parenting to be easier in the moment. It can be easier to tell a white lie or use a bribe to get them into the car quicker - but there is a long term cost to that. So we need to keep the long term goals in mind too whenever we have the space to do so. And the great news is that connection based parenting builds cooperation for the right reasons - kids stay connected to themselves, they grow up to be intrinsically motivated instead of looking at what's in it for them. They feel seen, they feel heard, even when you have to say no. Their feelings are held safely, you support them through their upsets so they learn that they don’t have to hide their feelings from you. This is the basis for a close, lasting relationship and it is exactly what we work on in my Peaceful Parent School, a 12 week transformative program shifting you from overwhelm and frustration into a calm and confident leader in your home. The doors are now open, we begin on 21st September, click here to learn more. You can watch the replay of my Why Your Kids Won't Listen Masterclass here
36:58
September 10, 2022
#041 Back to School - 9 ways to pack and unpack your child’s emotional backpack
#041 Back to School - 9 ways to pack and unpack your child’s emotional backpack
Welcome back to season 2 of the podcast! For many of us here in the northern hemisphere, summer has come to an end and we are getting back to our routines: whether that is starting school or childcare for the first time or returning after the summer break. For those who home educate, it might be adjusting to having less friends around and finding a new routine.  People are sharing their back to school photos on social media. Everyone is looking shiny and excited. However, if you and your child are struggling with this transition you aren't alone. We don't talk about the challenges of going back to school enough.  We often prepare very well for school on a physical or practical level - we buy uniforms, new shoes, lunch box, stationary, whatever your child needs. But what about preparing our children on an emotional level? In this week's episode I discuss my nine tips to help you pack and unpack your child’s emotional backpack. These are the strategies I found most effective when supporting my daughter with returning to school. She had huge resistance to school, we battled with that for 4 years and ultimately we decided to home educate. I did everything I could to help my daughter settle in to school, but I could no longer ignore the negative effect it was having on her. I know that isn’t an option for everyone and many kids do well at school with a bit of extra emotional support.  Listen to the full episode to hear how to implement these ideas:  Unpack your own emotional baggage first Take 5 minutes to fill up your child’s emotional backpack with love and connection before the school day starts. Slow down the morning and find small ways to connect Find the silliness - the language of children is play and the quickest way to connect is through laughter.  Make room for feelings - validate instead of dismiss Remember that your child is doing their best - and so are you.  The long goodbye - don't rush the drop-off and make space for feelings of upset Reconnect after school  Expect upset after school  - they need to empty out their backpack and often they need your help to find their balance again.  If you want to hear more about how connection-based parenting can work for you so you can find respectful strategies that really work to get your child listening - without ending up shouting, without resorting to threats and bribes, then I would like to invite you to my next Masterclass. It is on Tuesday 6th September at 8pm UK time, that is 12pm Pacific time and 3pm Eastern time. Simply click on this link to save your seat. 
32:06
September 03, 2022
#040 Eight Things I learned (the hard way) about gentle parenting
#040 Eight Things I learned (the hard way) about gentle parenting
When my daughter became a toddler, I felt totally lost. I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt capable in other areas of my life - but family life was chaotic. I didn’t know how to say no without upsetting her. So I would do anything to keep the peace. Until I got frustrated and ended up shouting. Then I discovered practical tools that made gentle parenting a reality for me. Six months later I was super confident as a parent. Parenting was still intense and challenging but the shouting was under control and there was so much more laughter. So let me share what I learned along the way so you can make this happen too. This is the last episode in the season, I will be back in September with Season 2.  If you would like a copy of my free guide Solving Parenting Challenges Through Play so you don’t have to overpower your child and enter into standoffs and power struggles, then all you need to do is leave a review or share this podcast with a friend or on your social media. Let me know and I will send you a copy of the guide. Also, if you would like to learn more about putting these principles into action then come along to my next Why Your Kids Won’t Listen Masterclass taking place in September. Follow me on social media @PamParentCoach: Instagram Facebook Visit my website
34:30
July 23, 2022
#039 How to survive and thrive through the summer holidays
#039 How to survive and thrive through the summer holidays
Today I am talking about the summer holidays. Whether your kids are off school already or finishing up in the next week or so, it is normal to have mixed feelings about the summer break. Maybe you are relieved to  be finished with the school run for a few weeks or maybe you have to work and you’re stressing about juggling childcare and summer camps. You might be home alone a lot with your kids and you’re not quite sure how you are going to manage the change in routine - should you go with the flow or should you create a timetable or structure for your time off? You might be going away on holidays or going to visit family, or have family come and stay with you - this can add an extra layer of stress as you have to navigate those changes and relationships. And then there are the expectations - you feel like you have to make memories for your children, you have to make the most of the summer, arrange trips and fun activities to do. You might feel responsible for everyone enjoying themselves and if they don’t it’s on you. It’s normal to have all these concerns and worries. On this episode I talk about six ways to help you survive and thrive over the summer holidays: How planning for daily connection can make your whole day run more smoothly How investing the time in arranging for other children to be around can take the pressure of you to be the main source of fun and play. Why you don’t have to shy away from boredom and how to manage it What really creates happy childhood memories - it doesn’t have to be extravagant or expensive. Why taking care of yourself is possibly the most important thing you’ll do all summer Why you should expect big feelings to arise when you spend lots of time with your kids. If you would like a copy of my free guide Solving Parenting Challenges Through Play so you don’t have to overpower your child and enter into standoffs and power struggles, then all you need to do is leave a review or share this podcast with a friend or on your social media. Let me know and I will send you a copy of the guide.  Also, if you would like to learn more about putting these principles into action then come along to my next Why Your Kids Won’t Listen Masterclass taking place on 19th July. Follow me on social media @PamParentCoach: Instagram Facebook Visit my website
32:49
July 16, 2022
#038 Keeping your child safe online with Jen Hoey
#038 Keeping your child safe online with Jen Hoey
On today’s show I am interviewing online child safety expert and founder of Not My Kid, Jen Hoey. Jen has personal experience of how vulnerable our children can be online so just a word of warning that this episode might not be appropriate for any little ears that may be listening. You might want to put your ear buds in as we discuss online predators and themes around sex education and adult content online. This episode is full of great advice and practical ways you can keep your child safe online if, like me, this is something you just haven’t had time to think fully about. In this episode we talk about: Jen’s personal experience of supporting her daughter who was exposed to an online predator Why it is so hard for children to share difficult experiences with us and what we can do help them trust us enough to come to us when things go wrong Online risks parents need to be aware of including online predators on online games, inappropriate content including porn, horror, cyber-bullying. How online gaming and social media affects children through the teenage years and what we can do now to plan for that. Jen’s 3 essential tips for keeping your children safe online The limitations of parental controls and what you can do to fill in the gaps The importance of explaining to your child why you have parental controls and rules in place. What parents need to know about the dangers of TikTok and Snapchat - Jen’s most hated apps! Why talking to our children about sex and porn is essential, even for children under 10. Jen shares her recommendations around screen use and internet access with us based on her extensive knowledge and experience. I deeply trust how each of us chooses to parent our children - there are a 1000 ways to raise a child - so I invite you to take what information works for you and leave anything that doesn’t. This isn’t about making anyone feel guilty or lesser than for any of their parenting choices, especially around screen time. I know that each of us does our very best with the information we have at the time. I hope this episode gives you the information you need so you can make informed decisions in a way that works best for you and your family. I hope you enjoy the episode Read about Jen’s story on her website https://www.notmykid.com.au/ Follow Jen on Facebook,  Instagram and LinkedIn Join Jen’s Not My Kid Facebook Group
55:18
July 08, 2022
#037 Teaching our children about consent and bodily autonomy
#037 Teaching our children about consent and bodily autonomy
How can we can teach our children about consent and bodily autonomy? How we can teach our children that they are in control of their own bodies and also how to be respectful of other people’s boundaries? It’s never too young to start teaching our kids about consent. From the time our children are young babies we can start laying the foundations of helping our children to be aware of themselves and others. Why is this important? We want our children to have a strong sense of themselves, to be in control of what happens to them and to be able to speak out against injustice whenever they see it. We want our children to be able to advocate for themselves when their boundaries are breached and to be aware and respectful of other people’s boundaries. In this episode I talk about: When and how we can start laying the foundations for teaching our kids about consent. Why teaching consent is much more than just talking about it or reading books. How  children learn consent through how we interact with them. How we can raise children to stay connected to their own wishes and desires and at the same time be aware of the impact their actions have on others How we can use power reversal games and physical play to help our children understand consent on a physical and emotional level Why modelling good boundaries and setting limits without being permissive is an important part of teaching consent to children How we can build cooperation through play so we don’t have to overpower our children How to set limits with family members who expect a child to give them a hug or kiss. How our own reactions can make this really hard and what we can do to continuously learn and grow in our own practice of consent and boundaries. Why we don’t have to be perfect and it’s ok to make lots of mistakes. I hope you enjoy the episode. If you would like a copy of my free guide Solving Parenting Challenges Through Play so you don’t have to overpower your child and enter into standoffs and power struggles, then all you need to do is leave a review or share this podcast with a friend or on your social media. Let me know and I will send you a copy of the guide. Also, if you would like to learn more about putting these principles into action then come along to my next Why Your Kids Won’t Listen Masterclass taking place on 19th July. Follow me on social media @PamParentCoach: Instagram Facebook Visit my website
39:56
July 02, 2022
#036 Why getting your needs met matters and how to make it happen
#036 Why getting your needs met matters and how to make it happen
So much parenting advice centres on our children. What we should do or say to make things go more smoothly, tools we can employ to get our kids cooperating or behaving in a way that will make life easier for us. In this episode I talk about a much overlooked parenting tool - taking care of ourselves. By focusing on ourselves, noticing what we need and finding ways to meet our needs, we can transform our parenting. The thing is, we know how to parent well when we are feeling well rested, fulfilled and unstressed. So how about starting with ourselves. Taking care of our own needs so we can show up for our kids as the calm and confident leaders they need. In this episode I talk about: Why getting your own needs met is far from selfish How our society doesn’t value or encourage parents to think about their own needs. How the way we take care of ourselves is a template for how our children will take care of themselves as adults, How our own mothers set the template for us and how we can become aware and shift that, Noticing when we want to say yes and no, Noticing our needs and honouring them whenever possible, The many ways we as humans need to get out physical, social, emotional, mental and spiritual needs met to feel complete, How we can start to prioritise our needs so we can show up to parenting with more joy and hope. Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
26:31
June 25, 2022
#035 How to gently set limits on screen time
#035 How to gently set limits on screen time
Hands up who has a battle on their hands when it comes to ending screen time? Do you avoid setting limits on screens because you don't want to deal with the inevitable meltdown? Do you wish your child could switch off without a massive fight? In this episode I share some gentle ways to turn screen time conflicts into a time of connection. So how can you turn this time of conflict into a time of connection? Expect the upset. Take a deep breath, remind yourself your child is a good child, they haven’t done anything wrong, they aren’t being naughty or disobedient. Then you are going to bring the limit - there’s no point shouting from across the room. Get in close, flop down beside them, spend a few minutes connecting with them, notice what’s happening in the game, see how long is left on the episode. If they’re about to finish a level or there’s only a few mins left then allow them to finish that off. Then set the limit - warmly, lightly - it doesn’t have to be stern or harsh. “Ok, it’s time to turn it off, let me help you” Then LISTEN to any frustrations or upsets - it’s normal, it’s ok for them to feel the feelings. In fact, it’s helpful. Keep offering connection, put your hand on the device/remote. Don’t rush it, there’s no urgency. The more you listen, the easier it will be next time. You can also set some playful limits that will help diffuse the power struggles and bring connection (kids can be quite disconnected after screens). A great game we played - wrestle to turn the TV off. I have put together a wonderful cheat sheet of ideas to solve a whole host of parenting challenges. If you would like your copy, I am inviting you to leave an Apple podcast review OR share my podcast on your favourite Facebook/WhatsApp parenting group (as long as it doesn’t go against group rules) or share on your profile. Screen shot your review/share and email it to me hello@pamtheparentcoach.com and I will send you my cheat sheet. There are 12 common parenting standoff scenarios on there including sharing, sibling battles, picky eating, getting out the door in time, clingy kids and hair washing battles.
31:28
June 18, 2022
#034 Tooth-brushing Special: how to diffuse standoffs with the power of play
#034 Tooth-brushing Special: how to diffuse standoffs with the power of play
I’m very excited because today I am sharing with you my magic formula for overcoming parenting standoffs using laughter and play. Specifically I’m going to be looking at teeth brushing, but this applies to many different power struggles we have with our kids. I’ll help you understand what is going on with the power struggle dynamic, what emotions are behind it and what you can do about it. This is one of my favourite things to talk about. Once you understand the basics and practice a bit - you can use these principles to solve any and every standoff and power struggle you have with your kids. And at the same time you are investing in your relationship, connecting, having fun. You will both feel all warm and fuzzy inside after connecting through laughter - guaranteed!! I share five play ideas for teeth-brushing (but make sure you listen in to learn the basic principles and common pitfalls). 1. Confused Toothbrush - I’ve forgotten who I am Pretend the toothbrush is talking “I can’t remember what I’m supposed to do/ who I am, am I a hairbrush? No, maybe I'm a nail clippers” 2. Where’s the dentist? “Hmmm, I do not want to brush my teeth today, I hope there isn’t a dentist around here who is going to make me!” Give your child an inviting playful look and allow them to be in charge of brushing your teeth. 3. Out of control toothbrush “Toothbrush is out of control, help!!!” Toothbrush flies around the bathroom, whooshes past them. 4. What is this thing? (you could do in robot voice, or pretend to be an alien) Look at toothbrush like you’ve never seen it before. “What is it for? Must be for brushing nose hairs!” For removing belly button fluff. A fairy detector. 5. I’ve lost my teeth “I can’t remember where your teeth are. Are they in your armpit. That’s funny, I was sure they were there! Must be behind your ears.” I have put together a wonderful cheat sheet of ideas (using these principles) to solve a whole host of parenting challenges. If you would like your copy, I am inviting you to leave an Apple podcast review OR share my podcast on your favourite Facebook/WhatsApp parenting group (as long as it doesn’t go against group rules) or share on your profile. Screen shot your review/share and email it to me hello@pamtheparentcoach.com and I will send you my cheat sheet. There are 12 common parenting standoff scenarios on there including sharing, sibling battles, picky eating, getting out the door in time, clingy kids and hair washing battles.
38:21
June 10, 2022
#033 When a child favours one parent or caregiver
#033 When a child favours one parent or caregiver
It can be upsetting to deal with a child who pushes you away or prefers one parent over another.  Maybe your child has a meltdown when it's their Dad's turn to put them to bed so you end up doing bedtime every night just to keep the peace. Or your child is in great form all day at school or childcare but their behaviour becomes unmanageable as soon as you walk through the door. Perhaps you are a step-parent and nothing you do is good enough, you are rejected at every turn. In this episode I talk about: The essential ingredients to build a close, trusting relationship with your child  The importance of attuning to a child's internal world How to decode a child's behaviour to see the emotions behind the behaviour Five practical tools to help them feel your love for them How to take care of your own feelings so you can parent your child I have my popular "Why Your Kids Won't Listen" Masterclass coming up next week. You can register your free place here. For more parenting ideas and support, don't forget to follow me on social media. You can find me mainly on Instagram and on Facebook @PamParentCoach.  You can also join my free Facebook group Peacefully Parenting 4-8 year olds.  
37:15
June 04, 2022
#032 Stop the Parent Stress!
#032 Stop the Parent Stress!
Parenting stress is so normal in our society. And then on top of that we tell ourselves “If only I do more, be more patient, try harder, be a better parent”. The truth is that parenting is under-valued and under-supported. We are so often parenting within small nuclear families instead of the supportive communities we need to meet our needs and thrive. In this bonus episode taken from a Facebook Live I did for Hand in Hand Parenting, I talk about: Why parenting is so hard How to shake off stress, just “be” with your child, so you can enjoy your relationship and feel more connected to them - without worrying what everyone else says or does. Ways to boost your energy when parenting is draining and exhausting. I also mention my upcoming Masterclass. You can sign up here.
14:25
June 03, 2022
#031 Solving Bedtime and Sleep Challenges
#031 Solving Bedtime and Sleep Challenges
This week I am talking about all things bedtime and sleep. Would you like bedtime to run more smoothly without battling to get PJs on? Maybe you want to support your child to fall asleep more easily or without you right there in the room? Or you are looking for gentle ways to support your child to sleep all night in their own bed? In this episode I talk about what children need to sleep well and how you can build those essential elements into your bedtime routine. Back in episode #003 I talk about in more detail about how physical play can help with bedtime - you might like to check out that episode here. You might also like to check out the work of Marion Rose, Aware Parenting Instructor, who has great resources and info about sleep in younger babies and toddlers. If you would like to learn more about my parenting approach and the Hand in Hand Parenting tools, join my next free, online Masterclass: Why Your Kids Won't Listen. You can sign up here. Follow me on Instagram or Facebook
51:27
May 28, 2022
#030 How to have realistic expectations for your child
#030 How to have realistic expectations for your child
What expectations should we have of our kids? Should a 4 year old be able to tidy up themselves after an activity? Should a 10 year old be able to shower and get dressed by themselves? Should your 8 year old know better than to lie? Is it helpful to have expectations at all? This week I talk about why high expectations aren't that helpful in parenting and what you can do instead! A child may be physically capable of dressing themselves or brushing their teeth, but you also have to consider whether they are mentally and emotionally able to complete these tasks without your support. This can change from day to day and even moment to moment. It's time to get curious - is your child struggling? If so, they need your help, not the weight of your expectations.  Listen in to find out how you can support them to be cooperative and independent in a realistic way.  Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to put these big ideas into action and learn the strategies to parent in a peaceful and respectful way, then get signed up to my next virtual Why Your Kids Won't Listen Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
36:11
May 21, 2022
#029 How to respond when your child says “I hate myself”
#029 How to respond when your child says “I hate myself”
Maybe it hasn't happened yet and you want to be prepared, or maybe your child has started saying "I hate myself" or similar. It is heart-breaking for us as parents to see our children struggle. We want to help them, we want them to see through our eyes how wonderful they are. But often our own story gets caught up in our responses and we struggle to respond in helpful ways, or we simply have no idea how to respond. Have a listen and find out how to support your child and get to the root causes of their pain. I also talk about how to build a child's confidence through play and how to respond to our children in a way that builds trust without dismissing their feelings or trying to fix them.  Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to put these big ideas into action and learn the strategies to parent in a peaceful and respectful way, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com RlQ1t4ARrzNsG9YUlwkk
29:14
May 14, 2022
#028 Big Picture Parenting: the why of gentle parenting and how it can change the world with Kathryn McCabe
#028 Big Picture Parenting: the why of gentle parenting and how it can change the world with Kathryn McCabe
In this week’s episode I am joined by Kathryn McCabe, social ecologist and founder and director of the Change Agency. Kathryn is passionate about creating change at a systems level and in this conversation we look at how we can change our society for the better through parenting. I invite you to check out Kathryn’s website and Facebook page. We started this conversation in a workshop we jointly facilitated as part of the Imagine Festival of Ideas in March 2022 on how parenting can change the world. Here is the link to the replay of the full workshop. In the workshop we discuss in more detail how parenting continues to evolve over many thousands of years, control based parenting vs connection based parenting, how the Hand in Hand Parenting tools can help us be more conscious and peaceful parents and the challenges we all face as parents in the Western world today. So if you love this episode, check out the full workshop. I enjoyed the conversation with Kathryn so much I decided to invite her onto the podcast so we could talk some more about the big ideas of why parenting matters as a form of social activism. So let’s zoom out for a minute and take a look at the big picture of parenting and why we think gentle parenting can and will change the world. I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on this topic so please get in touch so we can keep the conversation going. You can contact me via email hello@pamtheparentcoach.com or message me on Instagram or Facebook.  Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to put these big ideas into action and learn the strategies to parent in a peaceful and respectful way, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
01:22:03
April 29, 2022
#027 Competitive Child? How to help a sore loser
#027 Competitive Child? How to help a sore loser
Do board games with your child end in arguments and frustration?  Is everything a race to see is first and best?  Is there a lot of competition between siblings and huge upset when someone gets more than the other? Parents often ask me - is it better to teach my child to lose or should home be a safe haven where they always get to be the winner?  Well, the answer is a bit of both and it's all about focusing on the deeper feelings driving the competitive behaviour.  In this episode I talk about getting to the root cause of competitiveness and two tools that can support our children to be flexible and relaxed around competition.  Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
34:51
April 23, 2022
#026 The 10 minute connection-boosting parenting superpower (aka Special Time)
#026 The 10 minute connection-boosting parenting superpower (aka Special Time)
Today I’m going to talk about a parenting tool you can use in as little as 10 minutes. It builds connection. It brings fun. It’s practically guaranteed to bring laughter. It is the glue of your relationship with your kids. It helps with sibling rivalry, builds cooperation and helps kids overcome fears. It builds their confidence, self-control and emotional regulation. All this in as little as 10 minutes a day. It is a parenting superpower and it’s called Special Time. If you’re new to Special Time I’m going to tell you how to get started. If you’re already doing Special Time I’ll tell you how to get the most out of it. If you know about Special Time but haven’t done it in a while or avoid it or it doesn’t go as planned, I’ll tell you how to get back on track. If you are a seasoned Special Timer I’m going to celebrate you and make you feel really good about yourself for using this tool in your parenting. On the surface Special Time is one to one play time with your child. They are in charge so you follow their lead (child-led). No distractions, you give your child your full love and approval for a set amount of time (eg. 10 mins). It is so much more than that, listen in to find out why.  Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
49:08
April 16, 2022
#025 Should we make our kids apologise or say please, thank you, excuse me?
#025 Should we make our kids apologise or say please, thank you, excuse me?
In this week’s episode I talk about whether we should make our children say sorry, please, thank you or excuse me. We want our kids to grow up to be polite, considerate and respectful to others We are brought up in a society that expects children to be well behaved, that judges parents (or parents feel judged) if their kids aren’t polite. Children learn from what we do. So if we are polite, thank people when we mean it, apologise when we’re wrong, they will learn to do it too. This episode is about so more than teaching good manners. It is about understanding our children’s true nature, what motivates their behaviour and trusting ourselves to trust our children. Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
37:27
April 09, 2022
#024 After school meltdowns and grumpiness - why they happen and how to help
#024 After school meltdowns and grumpiness - why they happen and how to help
Dealing with a grumpy child after school can be hard work. You want to connect with them after being away from them for several hours, you want to find out how their day has gone, but instead you are met with grumpiness, aggression or meltdowns. In this week's episode I talk about why our children struggle so much after school or childcare and what you can do to support them. It is so important to understand what our child is trying to communicate in their difficult moments. They truly don't want to be grumpy or angry with us. They want to be loving and cooperative, that is their natural state of being.  But holding it together all day in school is hard work. You are their safe person so when they see you, all the emotional upsets come tumbling out sometimes as tears, sometimes as grumpiness or aggression.  Once we understand what is going on then the next step is how we can support our children to offload whatever big feelings they are carrying with them so they can get back to enjoying life.  I share some tips and tools for you to use to connect with your child and support them with their feelings.  Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
39:52
April 02, 2022
#023 Overcoming Morning Meltdowns
#023 Overcoming Morning Meltdowns
Ever wondered how you can have more peaceful, playful mornings - without all the tantrums about getting dressed, brushing teeth and eating breakfast? In this bonus episode from a Facebook Live I did this week for the Hand in Hand Parenting Facebook page, I show you how the Hand in Hand Parenting tools can inject connection into your days so you see more smiles instead of struggles in the mornings. Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Masterclass: Why your kids won't listen and what you can do about it.  Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
16:36
March 31, 2022
#022 How do I stop my child from whining?
#022 How do I stop my child from whining?
Whining can be one of the most annoying and frustrating things for us to deal with as parents. It often feels like our children are doing it because they know it annoys us so much! And once it starts it feels like nothing will solve it. As always when our children’s behaviour is tricky, it’s good to look behind the surface behaviour. All behaviour is communication. It is our job to decode the signals a child is sending us. They don’t have the cognitive skills to have a measured conversation with us about what is going on for them. That would be so much easier for us to navigate. If we could decode their behaviour, the whining is a signal that a child is feeling alone and powerless. They have been overtaken by these feelings and even when we offer them our presence, they are unable to let us in.  These feelings are getting in the way of them feeling your offers of connection. So what our aim is to find a way through to our sweet child inside who just wants to feel all ok again. We need to find a way for them to feel our connection. In this week's episode I offer a few suggestions of how you might re-establish connection when dealing with a whining child. Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Masterclass: why your kids won't listen and what you can do about it. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
29:12
March 26, 2022
#021 Setting Limits: why gentle parenting is not permissive parenting
#021 Setting Limits: why gentle parenting is not permissive parenting
Today I'm talking about how we can parent in a gentle and respectful way without being permissive. It is possible to model good boundaries and limits with our children without harshness or punishments. In fact, setting limits early and often can strengthen our relationships and develop our children's emotional intelligence. Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass.​
33:41
March 19, 2022
#020 Why kids hit, bite, pinch or kick and what to do about it
#020 Why kids hit, bite, pinch or kick and what to do about it
Are you struggling with your child's aggression? Maybe it is directed towards you, a sibling or at other children in childcare or school. We often try explaining, reading stories about "gentle hands" or punishing our children for their aggressive behaviour. But the key to stopping aggression lies in the feelings driving the behaviour. Find out how to support your child so they can let go of aggression. Thanks for joining me. If you want to learn more about this approach to listening to feelings and supporting our children to heal from their difficult experiences, then you are very welcome to join my next Peaceful Parent Masterclass.​
31:44
March 12, 2022
#019 Five simple and unexpected ways to help your child sleep well in their own bed
#019 Five simple and unexpected ways to help your child sleep well in their own bed
When I first became a mum, I held a cultural belief that bedsharing was wrong / dangerous etc. After 3 days of sleep deprivation, I was bedsharing and continued to bed share for several years. There are lots of advantages to bed-sharing But as your child grows you might not enjoy bed sharing any more for many reasons You can’t sleep Child is noisy or moves around a lot You want some personal space You just want to say goodnight and be on your own until morning You can transition your child to sleeping on their own in their own bed all night without doing them emotional harm. I’m talking about children over the age of 1 years old. I think under this age they need a lot of closeness, attention, on-demand feeding etc. Different for every child - high needs, premature, traumatic birth, medical issues, stress in the family - they might benefit from extra closeness There isn’t a right age or a right time - that is your decision - best to check in with yourself - are you getting resentful, check in with your child. Are they very rigid? It is ok to put your need for sleep first - weeks, months and years of disturbed sleep take their toll. By paying attention to your own needs you can show up in the best way possible as a parent You could co-sleep for years because that’s what you think your child needs to feel loved and secure but be resentful and worn out Or maybe your child has been sleeping in their own bed for a while but bedtime is a nightmare, or they come into you in the middle of the night. It is possible to support your child to sleep all night on their own. Will they be upset about it? Yes!! That is ok If they are upset it means they have some big feelings about separation that they’re holding on to. In fact, you can help them let go of these feelings, support them to have the confidence to sleep all night I love what Marion Rose, Aware Parenting says that Children need 3 things to sleep well: Tired Connected Relaxed Over the course of days, weeks, months, children experience all kinds of feelings - fear, disappointment, frustration etc. All those feelings get packed away in their emotional backpack and that can get in the way of them feeling relaxed enough to sleep. If we can listen to those feelings of upset whenever we can, that is going to help our children let go of emotional tension and be relaxed enough to sleep well. Children can become very rigid in their bedtime routines and that is a way for them to keep the emotional backpack closed up tight But the thing is, that makes it harder for them to sleep. So they might insist that you read a certain number of stories, then you have to sing a song, then rub their back. They must have their special teddy or their blanky etc etc. So what can happen is we play along with this extravagant system in the hope they will get to sleep when what they might actually need is for us to set a limit on some of those things, that will allow them to actually feel their feelings instead of hiding them away in increasingly difficult ways. 5 tips to support your child to sleep well. Propose a change in the bedtime routine Listen to feelings Get emotional support yourself It’s ok not to be consistent - take a break when you need to and pick it up again Balance it all with lots of connection - special time, physical play Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass.​
42:24
March 07, 2022
#018 How to prevent our children from lying, denying, sneaking or bragging?
#018 How to prevent our children from lying, denying, sneaking or bragging?
How do we encourage our children to be honest with us? How do we make it safe for them to come to us when they do something wrong or mess up? How do we make sure they grow up to be adults who take responsibility for their actions? There are lots of different types of lies It is helpful to remember to come from a place that your child is a good kid. It they are struggling, let’s look below the surface and see why. What is driving that behaviour? So that’s the thing, we as parents have fears as parents about lying. That affects how we respond to our kids. We are often coming from a place of worry and fear. Important to take a reality check at this point and remember that adults lie all the time. When was the last time you told a social lie to get you out of something or a white lie to your child? So it can be confusing for our children. On one hand we might tell them “you know you can tell me anything”. But we have to back that up with our reactions when our kids do share something with us - no matter how big or how small. If we have a big reaction or even a subtle reaction - our kids pick up on that and they will change their response next time. The most important thing for a child is our love and approval. If they sense we don’t approve or we’re going to withdraw, then they panic and don’t think well.  So if your child tells you something, or isn’t able to own up to something. If they do something wrong, take a breath and try not to overreact, remind yourself they are a good kid doing their best.  I try to respond by saying “I’m really glad you told me that, now we can figure a way to sort it out together. It’s always better to tell me when something goes wrong so I can help you” There are a few different types of lies. Let's look at them and the needs underlying them:  1. Deny doing something Often when a child denies something, we want them to admit to it - too much pressure on them, afraid of losing our approval or love 2. Fantastical, exaggerating. Often the unmet need is seeking attention 3. Sneaky behaviour eg taking food, sneaking screen time. The unmet need is not feeling safe to tell us how much they want something 4. Not telling us they did something wrong - eg. spilling cereal down the wall when they aren’t meant to be eating in their bedroom - Often they are afraid of the consequences, high expectations of letting us down. 5. Pretending they’ve done something when they clearly haven’t Eg yes I tidied my room (when they haven't). They might feel overwhelmed, weight of expectation, afraid to ask for our help 6. Bragging - competitive, child wants to be seen as good. What can help: How we respond in the moment Or if we overreact we can repair Don’t back them into a corner Special Time - build up the connection / level of attention / approval can do forbidden things ​Setting limits calmly and with connection Being willing to listen to our children’s upset Listening time for us - so we can respond kindly Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
30:43
February 25, 2022
#017 The difference between regular play and Playlistening.
#017 The difference between regular play and Playlistening.
This is a bonus episode from a Facebook Live I did on the main Hand in Hand Parenting Facebook page. Today we're talking about the difference between regular play and Playlistening. All types of play are beneficial to kids but Playlistening can support your child to offload tension, build confidence, heal from fears and feel your love. It allows you to strengthen your relationship with your child, have fun with them, build cooperation and set limits without shame or blame. So join me as I talk more about Playlistening and give you lots of helpful ideas to get creative with play. Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
13:29
February 24, 2022
#016 Leaning in to our children’s boredom
#016 Leaning in to our children’s boredom
The thing about boredom is that it is definitely not about having nothing to do. I'm sure your house is full of games and toys and things to do. Feeling bored is a sign that your child is running low on connection. I'm sure you have tried making suggestions of things to do. These suggestions fall flat because your child has lost their sense of connection, they aren't able to think well and they aren't able to be curious and interested in the world around them. So what can you do? Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
25:48
February 19, 2022
#015 How can we navigate parenting when our partner or co-parent has a very different parenting style to ourselves?
#015 How can we navigate parenting when our partner or co-parent has a very different parenting style to ourselves?
What happens when your partner or co-parent has a very different parenting style to you? Maybe they parent in ways you prefer they would not - with harshness or anger. That can be very triggering for us. We don’t want to undermine them but we want to protect our child. So how do we best support our children or our partner with this? There aren’t any two parents who parent from exactly the same page. We have different backgrounds, upbringings and cultures. Often we are parenting from a place of not repeating the things that were hard for us, or maybe we want to bring in elements of parenting that were helpful for us as kids. So what is the best way forward? Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
20:12
February 12, 2022
#014 How to be a more playful parent! (and how play can solve common parenting standoffs)
#014 How to be a more playful parent! (and how play can solve common parenting standoffs)
If you feel like poking me in the eye at the thought of being more playful and spending more time playing with your children - I hear you! As parents, we spend so much time taking care of our kids and everyone else's needs first that there is seldom time or energy left for play. I get it! But we can learn to be playful and it pays off big time!! Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
31:41
February 05, 2022
#013 Chores: how to raise helpful, considerate children who *want* to help out
#013 Chores: how to raise helpful, considerate children who *want* to help out
This week I'm talking about chores and getting our kids to tidy up. Is it worth the battle? Will we raise selfish, entitled children if we don't make them do the chores? Chores is certainly a loaded subject for parents. We worry that our child will grow up to be selfish or they’ll expect others to clear up for them. “House work” or clearing up is often seen by us as a chore, something we’d rather not do, a bother - demeaning women’s work Instead we can come with the attitude that we want to live in a tidy house, we want to take care of our things, we can take pride in putting things away in an orderly fashion. Kids quickly acquire beliefs about tidying up and chores being unpleasant We also have this idea that kids should go and do chores or tidy up on their own when in fact collaboration is the key. Let's get clear about what builds cooperation and a spirit of working together. A spirit of “we all help each other out” vibe in your family. It is led by our relationship with our kids - one of collaboration, kindness, respect, joyfulness, fun and playfulness. The attitude that “we are a team”. “In this family we help each other out” What doesn’t help is expecting kids to do chores alone. If you are entering into power struggles a lot about chores, it might be good to ask yourself: Where is this coming from? What does this remind you of from your own childhood? Where you frequently told what to do? The biggest tip I have is to make it fun and connecting. Play games Special Time beforehand, 5 or 10 minutes play together to boost connection Sing a tidy up song Race against a favourite song Do it together Some ideas for making it fun: Sing a tidy up song Play a tidy up song or any silly song your child loves “We’ve got to get this all cleared up before the song is over”, then fall over, bump into things, put things away in the wrong place. You can be the awkward one and invite your child to talk you into tidying up Get it wrong - put things in the wrong the place, your child will get satisfaction out of telling you how to do it right. Tidy your child up, scoop them up and run around the room. Get them to help out with a mini hoover or squirty bottles for the shower door, let them mop the floor messily and get water everywhere. Use a cart/scooter/bike to load things up and deliver the things to the right places. Reverse psychology - I hope nobody tidies up while I’m away upstairs. Turn it into a dance party The toy chest is a monster that talks to them “I’m the toy monster, you must feed me” Use it as a time for connection (even if your child doesn't’ join in). Full permission if you don’t feel playful to let it go and focus on the relationship. Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
16:49
January 29, 2022
#012 Why you’ll never “ruin” your child
#012 Why you’ll never “ruin” your child
This is a bonus episode from a Facebook Live I did on the main Hand in Hand Parenting Facebook page. Have you ever doubted your gentle approach to parenting? Ever been told that you are too soft on your kids? Science says it’s impossible for kids to focus on our teaching moments when they are already upset or angry. It says that shouting and punishment is more likely to reinforce the difficult behavior. Ignoring it does not make it go away, it makes it worse. And yet parents treading this new path often wonder if they are being too soft on their kids. Or they are told they are spoiling them, and question if, somehow, they will ruin their kids by parenting this way. I would like to offer some reassurance and in this episode I talk about: Why it's ok to respond to our children's needs, and why doing that actually helps your kids develop kindness, confidence, and resilience - even if they struggle right now with anxiety, sensory issues, sensitivity or are strong-willed. Why punishing 'bad' behaviour leads to more problems, because it does not address the feelings behind the behaviour. Why being respectful and meeting our children's needs is not the same as being permissive, and is, in fact, proven to form the basis for strong, lifelong relationships. Listen in as I explain why you can never ruin your children if you are trying to parent without punishment, rewards, or consequences. Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
18:09
January 27, 2022
#011 The secret ingredient that makes homework go well
#011 The secret ingredient that makes homework go well
It's already been a long day and homework is looming over you. How do you make it a time of connection instead of a time of conflict? In this episode I answer a listener's questions about supporting her children with homework. Should a child be able to do homework independently or with the support of an adult? Should one or both parents have responsibility for homework? If a child does their homework at an after schools club, what is the role for parents? How much homework should kids be doing a day? When? When should you stop if it's causing stress? Kids bring home all their stresses from the day. They hold it all in all day and then often it tips out when they get home. Adults bring their beliefs, worries, fears and anxieties about school work to the table too. Everyone is tired after a long day. The important thing to remember is that learning simply can’t happen when a child is feeling stressed. Many experts agree that homework hasn’t been found to be helpful to learning at primary school age So to create the conditions for learning and getting homework done, the focus needs to be on connection - make it a time to connect. Make sure your child has a rest first, is fed, has spent some time connecting with you before you launch into homework. Playful approaches to homework can really help too. Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
22:15
January 22, 2022
#010 Helping our kids settle back to school or routine after the holidays
#010 Helping our kids settle back to school or routine after the holidays
Happy new year! As we shake off the Christmas festivities and get back to the routine our kids can struggle. Find out how we can support them with their emotional backpack at this time. So this week we have all been emerging from the Christmas festivities and getting back to our routines Whether that has been getting back to work and school Or if you home educate, getting back into more of a routine again. This is difficult for our kids. Because often it means we’re setting more limits. I know my kids have had more screen time than usual over Christmas so I’ve had to start saying no and place some limits around that. Maybe we have to wake our kids or set limits about how late they’re staying up We have to get them up in the morning and it’s more of a rush Then they’re heading back into school which is such a different environment than home. They can’t ask for snacks any time they want, they can’t come to you for help any time they need to. They have to figure things out themselves. There are generally speaking a lot more rules, a lot more correction in school than there would be at home. So no wonder our kids would rather stay at home in their pjs and eat snacks! Of course they aren’t going to see the urgency of getting out the door on time. Even if our kids enjoy school, the sudden change of gears is hard for them to adjust to. So what can we do to support them? What works best is if we can balance these big changes and the different environment in school with making sure our children are getting some daily connection from us. So we back their backpack with everything they need for today - but kids also have an emotional backpack that needs filled - it is just as essential. So here are some ideas to build some connection into your morning routine. Special Time Smiling, hugs, sitting down together to eat, Silliness getting ready Think of it as filling their emotional backpack up with connection. And remember then that they come home from school with their emotional backpack filled up with all the feelings - expect that upset/bad temper when they come home. Meet that with connection if you can. A great way to do that is through Special Time - 10 mins of one to one play You may have to set limits on their behaviour - expect the upset. It’s ok, it can be welcomed. It will help them clear out their emotional tension and the rest of the day will go better. If your kiddo struggles with the transition back to school - expect that, plan for it, make room for feelings. It is exceptionally hard to do all this when you are feeling exhausted and burnt out. You need to take care of your own emotional backpack too. You need an outlet for your own feelings, you need to be doing things for yourself. Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
15:57
January 08, 2022
#009 Five tips for surviving Christmas or other holidays with young children
#009 Five tips for surviving Christmas or other holidays with young children
Christmas time or other holiday seasons can become stressful. We are often out of our normal routines and spending time with family. Our kids pick up on the excitement and stress and emotions can run high. Here I suggest 5 ways you can make the holidays less stressful. Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
23:36
December 18, 2021
#008 Real life examples of how connection-based parenting works
#008 Real life examples of how connection-based parenting works
We need constant reminders of the power of connection and how it can turn things around with our children. Here I share two examples of how connection at bedtime can help your child get off to sleep. I would love to hear your stories of connection Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
20:12
December 11, 2021
#007 How to respond when your child is upset and shouts "Go Away!"
#007 How to respond when your child is upset and shouts "Go Away!"
This is something parents ask me all the time. They want to support their child and be there for them but they are met with "Leave me alone" or "Go away". How do we respond in a way that is respectful and supportive of our children's emotions? Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
21:57
December 04, 2021
#006 Sibling Rivalry - 5 steps to building a strong sibling relationship
#006 Sibling Rivalry - 5 steps to building a strong sibling relationship
Probably every parent who has more than one child has struggled with siblings getting on with each other. Whether that's the aggressive behaviour an older sibling can show towards a new baby or later on the competitiveness, arguments and fighting. It can make family life very difficult. We want our kids to get on well and develop a close relationship into their adult lives. Here I share a few ideas of how to support siblings to get along. Thanks for joining me. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. Follow me on social media: www.instagram.com/PamParentCoach www.fb.me/PamParentCoach www.pamtheparentcoach.com
25:09
November 27, 2021
#005 How to respond to meltdowns and tantrums in a way that builds emotional resilience
#005 How to respond to meltdowns and tantrums in a way that builds emotional resilience
How should we respond to our children's big feelings in a way that is respectful and develops emotional resilience? This is a tricky one for many parents, especially when our children pick the most difficult and inappropriate moments to have a meltdown in public or in front of family members who might not be fully on board with gentle parenting. But it is possible to respond in a way that supports our children and builds relationship and cooperation. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass. See you next time
25:06
November 19, 2021
#004 Why I don’t tickle and what to do instead
#004 Why I don’t tickle and what to do instead
This is a quick episode where I share my thoughts about tickling and why tickling isn’t part of our family culture. I share my reasons, invite you to reflect on your own experiences of tickling and give you some ideas of what to do instead. Thanks for listening. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parent Masterclass.
13:45
November 12, 2021
#003 How 10 minutes of rough and tumble play can turn bedtime around
#003 How 10 minutes of rough and tumble play can turn bedtime around
Today I'm talking about physical play, the huge benefits it has to our kids' development and how it strengthens the parent-child relationship....all of which builds cooperation in our children. Physical play before bedtime can help a child feel relaxed and connected enough to go to sleep more easily. I know physical play isn't available to every parent due to physical or mental health reasons or because life is about survival right now - that is ok too, there are lots of other ways to connect with our children. Thanks for listening, if you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass.
29:37
November 06, 2021
#002 A fresh approach to help our children with sharing
#002 A fresh approach to help our children with sharing
It can be so difficult to navigate sharing, when we have to referee our kids, enforce turns and deal with the never-ending arguments over whose turn it is. Let me share with you how I deal with sharing in a way that builds cooperation and connection and takes you out of the policing role. If you’re ready to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parent Masterclass.
14:58
October 30, 2021
#001 Why we get angry with our children and the secret to staying calm in the moment
#001 Why we get angry with our children and the secret to staying calm in the moment
On this week’s episode I talk about why we get angry with our children and the secret to staying calm in the moment. Would you like to get your kids listening so you don’t have to shout, and instead you can start enjoying being a parent, then get signed up to my next virtual Peaceful Parenting Masterclass.
29:14
October 23, 2021