Polycurious

In the second part of my conversation with Melissa and Jay, we discuss their transition from being open to polyamory, partially due to their three kids leaving for college. They each share their unique methods of dealing with jealousy and other challenging emotions, as well as how they've adapted to these feelings. Finally, they talk about their experience of revealing their non-monogamous relationship to their children, and the unexpected outcomes that followed.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Melissa and Jay decided to open up their marriage after two decades together. Today, they share some of the challenges they faced during that transition, such as learning how much to share about their outside relationships with one another. They also tell us how they used Craiglist (believe it or not) to find a match for their first non-monogamous date. Lastly, they give great tips around finding community.

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Abbey and Liam are the voices behind Evolving Love Project, a platform that explores non-monogamy and conscious relationships through Abbey’s writing, their podcast, and conversation evenings and retreats in Australia.

In our conversation they tell us how being non-monogamous has helped them reconnect with their independence and return to their family life feeling refreshed. They also reveal how their sexual relationship changed after having their son and what they did to bring back the spice and reconnect. Lastly, we speak of their experience coming out as non-monogamous parents in Australian television.

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Chamberlin and Michael struggled a lot in their relationship, having periods of opening and closing, cheating and hurting each other and ultimately breaking up. About a month after they broke up, Chamberlin found out that she was pregnant. And for reasons we discuss in the podcast, this pregnancy completely shifted their relationship, for the best.

Today we also talk about Michael’s process getting comfortable with having threesomes with other men. So if you are in a heterosexual partnership where you might want to bring a second man in, you might find some useful insights in here.

At the end of the episode we also get an update from Mariah, my bestie and ex-cohost of Polycurious. 

Resources discussed in the episode:

Today I chat with metamours JD and Lorena, as well as their common partner Aviva (a metamour is a partner’s partner.) Even though Aviva and Lorena were dating first, JD has become Aviva’s nesting partner. And today we chat about how even though that transition was a little difficult, Lorena was also very happy for Aviva and JD, someone she knew and really liked. I was left feeling warm from this conversation as I could really tell there is so much love and respect between the three of them. I hope that regardless of whether you are close with your metamours or not you can take them as an inspiration in your journey.

Resources discussed in this episode:

In this episode I talk about the 12 lessons I have learned in my Polycurious journey.

1. Be Patient. Go as fast as the slowest person
2. Find the right time to talk
3. Check with your partner before making plans with other people
4. Feeling guilt at first is normal
5. Don’t sugarcoat. Be honest with your partner
6. Determine how much you want to share with your partner
7. Meeting your partner’s partners (metamours) helps with jealousy 
8. Jealousy and insecurities are likely to decrease with time
9. You can’t control your feelings for other people
10. Infatuation and New Relationship Energy can be fleeting
11. Be careful where you invest your energy
12. Non-sexual intimacy can be powerful 

Resources discussed in this episode:

Today I bring to you the second part of my conversation with Natasha + Jeremy, sex coaches and educators behind All The Feels. They give amazing tips around communication in and outside of the bedroom. Jeremy talks about ways that are sexy and respectful to approach women and they both share how to have a threesome that is fun and sexy and where everyone feels safe. We also talk about what one can do if you have a sexual desire or preference your partner doesn’t like.

Resources discussed in the episode:

Today I speak to Jessica Esfandiary, the host of the Open Late podcast. She tells us how she opened up her now 9 year relationship only a few months in, after an ‘accidental’ threesome. We talk about how she went from hiding her open lifestyle even from her closest friends to having a podcast about non-monogamy. She also tells us the reasons why she likes being polyamorous, including seeing a side of herself she doesn’t always express with her partner. 

Resources discussed in the episode:

In the second part of our conversation with Jenny and Kris we chat about a time when Jenny fell in love with a secondary partner and had a hard time managing both relationships. Jenny also tells us about the parties she organizes and how it all began as a way to connect the non-monogamous community.

In today’s episode Mariah and I chat with Jenny and Kris, who have been together for almost a decade and navigated non-monogamy from the beginning. They tell us everything about their introduction to the non-monogamous world and what they learned in this process. 

Today I chat with Philip, the host of the podcast Dear Poly where I was a guest last year. We go deep into Philip’s coming out story and how he had to break so much stigma in his religious community to be his true self. If you have ever had a hard time letting go of shame, as a queer person, non-monogamous person or simply someone with a high sex drive, I think you will resonate with this episode.

Jess is a trauma centered relationship coach and plant medicine guide. Zach is a breath work facilitator and men’s intimacy coach. Together they have the Sacred Ships podcast, where I had the pleasure to be a guest last year.

Today we talk about how they healed their sexual trauma, partly through their relationship. Zach opens up about using porn in a way affected his sexual performance, and reveals what he did to get to a comfortable place with his sexuality. Having casual sex with other women and opening up their relationship was actually an important part of this process.

In the first episode of our third season Mariah and I spoke to Taylor and Alan, who identify as solo poly and nonhierarchical. Both of them started their non-monogamous journey in high school and have since been immersed in the poly and sex-positive community. 

Today we talk about their experiences of seeing each other fall in love with other people and experiencing jealousy. They also share how polyamory has enriched their lives, allowing them to explore and learn from other people while maintaining their independence.

In our season finale, I speak to Mariah (the occasional co-host of the podcast) about the story of how we grew to be best friends who occasionally play.

We also give you an update on where we are in our relationships and exploration of non-monogamy. I talk about how a deeper level of engagement with someone I am dating is teaching me to prioritize my primary partner and making me reflect on the boundary between non-monogamy and polyamory. Mariah talks about her relationship with her primary partner and about how their exploration of non-monogamy has been difficult for them.

Episodes mentioned:

In this episode, I speak to Ari and Jeshua, a polyamorous couple that has been together for 2.5 years. In our conversation, we talk about their experiences dating people together and separately, their growth from secondary relationships, and their polyamorous community. We also have an interesting conversation about expressing your feelings for other people to your primary partner. Lastly, Jeshua shares how being polyamorous has enabled him to explore his bisexuality.

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In this episode I chat with Valentin (Awake and Sexy on Instagram,) an Internal Family Systems-trained Intimacy Coach & Guide.

A common challenge couples who start opening up face is realizing that they have different ideas of what that actually means. In this special episode we listen back to some guests from the first season who had different desires or faced an imbalance in the way they approached non-monogamy.

Guests from Season 1 included in this episode:

Carol and David have been in a polyamorous relationship for about eight years. In this conversation, we chat about their boundaries evolving from a three page document to simply having to check in with one another. They share some of the difficulties that they experienced as they navigated having more than one serious romantic partner. We talk about an accidental breach of trust and about how that experience taught them to communicate better.

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In this episode I speak with Rachel Krantz, former editor at Bustle and Author of the book Open: An Uncensored Memoir of Love, Liberation and Non-Monogamy. Her book is both a cautionary tale about gaslighting and manipulation and a story about the lessons and fun experiences that being open can bring.

We talk about the red flags that might indicate you are being manipulated and discuss why often times partners are not even aware that they are being abusive. We get into the topics of jealousy, swingers, and submissive dominant dynamics. Lastly, Rachel tells us why she chooses to still be non-monogamous after what she went through. 

Resources discussed:

In this episode, London shares her reasons for being solo poly and not seeking a primary partner. She tells us ho she is working on getting validation from herself and letting go of expectations when it comes to relationships. We talk about the importance of communicating intentions and feelings, even with people one is casually dating. Last but not least, we go in-depth about London’s experience dating a couple for over a year and all of the reasons why being a 'unicorn' was so special.

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In this episode I chat with my friends Jasmine and Felipe, who have been together for about a year and a half. With the exception of a short period at the beginning where they dated independently, they have only had experiences as a couple and mostly with women.

They tell us why dating separately sounds both intriguing and threatening to them. We also talk about the complexity of making moves on friends and about the sexy experiences they have had meeting new people after the pandemic.

Fernanda's Interview with the M.G.C Podcast 

Queer Dating Coach, Ariella Serur, works with queer people navigating the dating world, so it becomes an enjoyable process and part of their personal growth journey.

In this conversation, Mariah and I chat about Ariella’s own queer and non-monogamous journey. We talk about how to date as a newly queer person and how to deal with feelings of infatuation and new relationship energy. We also discuss how to read if someone is into you, as well as how you might (respectfully) get non-verbal consent from your date.

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Roxy and Taj have been together for over 3 years and have had several group sex experiences together. They explored playing with couples, but eventually decided they preferred to only have threesomes with women. In this conversation, we chat about how they arrived at that decision. We also talk about Roxy’s process of opening up and letting go of what was expected from her community and about Taj’s past failed non-monogamous experiences. Their journey is an example of how through experience, you can find what Taj calls ‘the sweet spot’.

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On our season premiere Cookie and Jerry open up about their journey and their breakup. We talk about how their current separation has benefited their relationship. This conversation highlights how communication has to be a continuous effort. No matter how long you have been together, things change all the time. You have to do what is right for you even if it is different from what worked in the past or what works for your partner.

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This bonus episode is an edited version of our interview for a feature article in Bushwick Daily. Allie Ferrera interviewed both Mariah and I about the podcast. We talked about the inspiration behind Polycurious, the difference and similarities between monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, and what boundaries mean for us. We also have a special announcement: we will be releasing a second season next year! In this episode you will learn what to expect from it.

For our last episode of the season I chat with my co-host and best friend Mariah. If you haven’t listened to the first episode of the season where I interview her for the first time, go back and listen now. In our conversation, Mariah updates us about coming out to her family as polyamorous. We talk about her experience falling in love with her secondary partner and eventually breaking up with her primary. We then talk about her new partner and the difficulties of transitioning from a polyamorous relationship to a (mostly) monogamous one.

Resources mentioned in this episode:

In this episode I interview Seth, my partner of almost 3 years. So far he hasn’t sought out to be non-monogamous, despite having a partner who is. In our conversation Seth tells us about his upbringing as a homeschooler and the son of a pastor in a small midwestern town. We talk about how we met and his reasons for not pursuing non-monogamy. We tell you what our boundaries are and how they have evolved. Lastly, we talk about the secret to our relationship: letting each other be ourselves and maintaining our independence.

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In today’s episode I speak to my wonderful friends Ruth and Alejandro, who have been together for eight years. In this conversation they tell us how everything went wrong when they first met and how they ended up together anyway. They share their missteps as they began to open up their relationship, including a disastrous first threesome. We talk about their boundaries, how they have evolved, and Alejandro shares a story of how he overcame an insecurity that he had.

Resources mentioned:

Mariah and I talk to Mr. K, someone who tried polyamory and realized that it's not be for him. In this conversation we talk about his non-monogamous inclinations and his kitchen table poly aspirations. He tells us how he realized his ideal didn't match up to reality after being in the poly scene for five years. We also talk about how despite that, he considers himself as someone with a lot of poly characteristics such as barely experiencing jealousy and wanting to connect with metamours.

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Anna and Chetan have been together for 4 years, but they each have been exploring non-monogamy for almost 15 years. In this conversation they share what they have learned during that time. They also share their experience forming a triad and how that dissolved before moving in together. Lastly, they give lots of great advice for polycurious people, especially when it comes to jealousy.

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Tarynn is a New York-based Psychotherapist who focuses on alternative sexualities & lifestyles – including non-monogamy. In this episode we talk about how she opened up her relationship with her husband of 8 years. She speaks of relationship anarchy and reveals how she achieved a comfortable "kitchen table" dynamic between her husband and secondary partner. We also talk about how she plans to communicate with her daughter about non-monogamy and about therapy for alternative relationships.

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Ana and Dustin are a married polyamorous couple who have a very loving relationship. In this conversation we talk about gender roles in non-monogamy: how they influence Dustin’s jealousy and affect the way they each relate to other potential partners. We also talk about the importance of establishing a solid base on one’s relationship before opening up.

Frankie is an incredibly inspiring person when it comes to dealing with non-monogamy. In this conversation, she shared with us a particular experience of jealousy we can all learn from. When faced with her uncomfortable feelings, she decided to approach the person she felt triggered by. Listen to find out how that turned out!

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In this conversation I speak to S & J, a married couple from Brooklyn. They tell us how they decided to open up their marriage and navigated their different ideas of what that meant. J was initially more interested in having experiences as a couple and S wanted to see people independently. Through trial and error, they eventually reached a point in which they both feel comfortable in the relationship, despite the fact that they are open in different ways.

If you think anyone could benefit from listening to this episode, please share it!

If you like the show subscribe and leave us a rating and/or review. Thank you for your support.

Write to us at polycuriouspodcast@gmail.com

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In Part 2 of our conversation with Bear (formerly Safi) and Fifi we go deeper by talking about their relationship. They narrate their love story and share with us inner layers that help them navigate polyamory together. We talk about how Safi developed compersion, which is a feeling of joy when a loved one takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.

In this episode I speak with Dr.Zhana, a professor of sexuality at New York University. She is also the creator of the Open Smarter Course, a science-based course designed to figure out what type of relationship works for YOU based on your personality. In this conversation we talk about Dr.Zhana's own non-monogamous journey, her research on casual sex and some of the important traits to consider when deciding what type of relationship works for you. 

In our inaguaral episode, we introduce Polycurious, and our host, Fernanda, interviews our occasional co-host, Mariah. We delve into the intriguing details of her journey into non-monogamy, the stigma she encountered from her family, her first play party, her relationship with her primary partner, and her experiences with jealousy.

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