I Wasn't Always Like This

What started out as a reflection on a cross-country drive with my Mom ended up being a reflection on what has been true about my life and this podcast all along....How I live with the darkness. Thank you for letting me share honestly with you. Hope it connects.

This is a long one! Chronicling my journey to Texas to present at a conference and ALL of the adventures that ensued! Also, looking at the choices we have, in any given moment, as to how we want to be in the world. Suffering versus struggling, Thankful versus tantrums, seeking out ways to live with one another as Companions and helpers. During challenging times, this experience taught me so much about how I choose to move through my life. I hope it helps you as well. Thank you for listening.

A meandering journey of reflecting on the 17th of September, Maddie, my love of road trips, the return of "the worst roommate in the world," and - ultimately - about how I am always still learning to Surthrive in this life. Grateful, for all of it. Thank you for listening.

A generous human shared some words he wrote with me and they inspired an onslaught of reflections, thoughts, and questions. The concept of choice, of how we think, of how we create, of how we live our lives....Yeah, it's all in there! And with a song as well. Thank you so much for listening!

Although she often checks in with me, I had to share about this recent weekend I had that was simply full of Maddie! From a dream to the return of a piece of furniture to an engraved brick, Maddie reminded me of a truth that I always hold on to: That I am never alone. So Grateful for that.

Exploring the concept of Both And and the experience of living life in the threshold. That learning curve of "no-longer-this-yet-not-quite-that-yet." Also known as Goo Time. Instead of life being one thing OR another, we walk through some examples of it being Both And. Along with a peppy song!

It's my birthday episode!  Please join me as I take stroll back through the decades ending in 3, beginning with the year I was born, 1963. Lessons learned, moments my heart was healed, opened, broken, and healed again. Love, loss, discovery, all that comes with the Pilgrimage that is this Life. Thank you for listening. And, please, have some cake.

It's time to take a deep dive into the true confessions of what scares this reverend! Looking at fear – and a few acronyms for what that word might actually mean – with honesty and courage. From the basics – spiders and heights – to the "biggies": relationships and letting go, this episode is an encouragement for us to look at fear in a different way. To Forgive Edit And Refresh as we start this new year with a mission to Face Everything And Rise. 

After a marathon-watching of the series, "Once Upon a Time," this a reflection, a bit of an exploration, on the meaning of True Love (Big T, Big L). The unlikely place I found it. And the potential for it, even when we least expect it. It's also a bit of an affirmation of Hope and Possibility for the incoming New Year. Give it a listen. I think you'll be glad you did. As always, Thank You. 

Inspired by a writing assignment, I was led into the rabbit hole of memory. Looking around my home at all of the symbols of how my life has been filled with moments. Moments of Love, loss, change, laughter, embracing, letting go, and so much more. Moments of Moments. All because I was led to write about an arrow that someone made for me. Hope you enjoy this episode.

A Fall reflection, if you will. A meandering through my thoughts on the life I've lived (so far), the lives I didn't choose, the music and movies that help carry me through the more difficult moments, and, a little bit of Maddie snoring. A true Autumn Melange! Enjoy! Thanks for listening! (p.s. In an effort to not ramble excessively, I omitted the spectacular Ryuichi Sakamoto from my list of heart-opening musicians. My apologies.)

Reflecting on this past weekend, my 41st high school reunion. How amazing and powerful the experience was. Who we were. Who we are. How miraculous it is that we are still here. Looking back as we look forward. Learning and growing. And how, like everything else, it all ties back into Forgiveness and Gratitude! Enjoy!

A look back at the ways I have been Guided in my life (since 1999, that is!) as I prepare for my return to Alaska! Just for a visit, as my Mom likes to remind me! Learning how to Listen deeply, to Trust, to Yield. And, ultimately, to find my True Home, my True Self. Life is a journey, that is for sure. And, within that macro journey, we are invited to take many micro journeys as we find our way. Thank you for listening

We are all moving through some genuinely tough times right now. Some days, it feels like I'm swimming upward from the deepest part of the ocean. And, yet, I keep swimming. Hoping this reflection on how we can help one another move through – and Surthrive – these difficult and challenging times offers some kind of tow-rope for you to grab onto. Hold onto that rope. Keep swimming toward the sunlight.  

As we approach both Passover and Easter this coming weekend, I don't really talk about either of them! What the heck has been going on?!? This episode takes a moment of out of the chaos of the world and looks at 5 ways we can help ourselves - and each other - get through the challenges and remind ourselves of who we are. Thank you so much for listening.

Had one of those accidental revelatory moments! In the middle of a conversation with a friend, I said, "Gratitude is my lifeboat." And the train-of-thought in my mind took if from there! Reflecting on how Gratitude saves my life and keeps me safe. With a sprinkling of a discussion about the not-so-intimidating-or-limiting concept of Spiritual Practice. Enjoy!

On this, the last birthday of my 50's, I take a moment to reflect - once again - on Big "L" Love. Also, I reflect on memories. And on the Truth that Love never dies. It is a gift that we can all receive and give forever. Even when we're not here on this planet anymore. Oh, and also, the value of saving those boxes of old cassette tapes!

Reflecting on this concept of "remission from depression" that I heard about on the radio. What does that mean? What does it look it? Can it be trusted? And how does one explain this idea to a government-appointed psychiatrist?! Thanks for listening!

A brief reflection sparked by a memory from long, long ago. A memory of friends showing pure Kindness to me and my family. Which led me to look at the ways we are - and are not - Taking Good Care of one another. In these times, it is more important than ever to pay attention to this. It's not a difficult thing to do. Taking Good Care of ourselves and others is the best way we can "walk each other home."

A reflection on the power and necessity of crying. How crying is good for us (and how a "good cry" can feel amazing), why it's important to not let anyone make us feel "bad" for crying, and celebrating the "ugly" crying that can happen while watching a great movie or listening to a beautiful song. Let those tears flow!!

Thank you for joining me on this reflection about the world-famous - and famously annoying - Knock Knock joke about bananas and oranges. I am still learning how to appreciate living in the beautiful anticipatory "banana" moments while navigating life in a fully "orange" world. Give this episode a listen. It'll all make sense, I promise. Well, I hope it will! And Thank You, as always, for listening.

Sitting with some amazing "coincidences" and the return of long-ago friends into my life. Recognizing how powerful these re-connections are, during these Days of Awe - the Holy Days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Reflecting, remembering, forgiving. It's all about Kindness, folks. Hope you enjoy this one.

The words: Lazman hazeh are the words at the end of a Hebrew prayer, the Shehecheyanu. They translate to: For this time. Between swimming every morning and then watching a Marvel series the other day, I was led to reflect on what it means for me to be present IN each Now moment. In each: For this time. Gratitude. Sadness. And an appreciation for every single thing. That's where I landed.

It seems that many of us - me included - have recently been feeling the weight of depression. Along with the pressure to "get back to normal," there are just a lot of feelings swirling around. Please, take a few minutes to listen and to be reminded that none of us are walking this life alone. AND, that we have the opportunity to move forward in this moment, instead of "going back" to anything that is past and done. Don't give up.  

This episode is a bit longer than any of the others. It covers about 4 and a half years! From the dream house becoming the house of terrors, from the beginning to (almost) the ending of my time at Ursuline College, from the beginning and into the on-going conversation with my Spiritual Companion, through laughter, grief, pain, amazement, triumph, frustration, hope, despair, Gratitude, and - of course - always with Maddie, we have come from there to here. Acknowledging, of course, that "here" is a moving target. Every time we reach "here," it moves! And we're in another "here." I am Grateful to have reached this particular "here" because of the Wisdom my Beloved Michael shared: "So we live and we learn, but we only learn if we live." Although this episode seems like an ending, it isn't one. It's just another "here." I will return in the next "here" to talk with you all again soon. 

The journey continues on, even though we arrived at our destination (so we thought). My time in Ithaca with Maddie was filled with the Love and Support of our dear friend Joan. It was also a time of darkness and punishing depression that caught up with me when I stopped moving. Grateful for Joan, my Mom, Jody, Maddie, and my friend who always speaks the truth to me, for helping to keep me going through those ten months. And then, we arrived back in Ohio, only to face the reality that two very important people were not there anymore. This episode is an up-down-and-all-around ride, for sure. You do get to hear a recording of me singing when I was about 4, though. So, that's a bonus!

So much ground to cover - literally, figuratively, inwardly, and outwardly! The ending of a relationship, the ending of my time in Alaska. The beginning of an adventure, the stepping (or, rather, driving) out into the un-known. Stories of Love, loss, grief, Gratitude, and bison await you in this episode. I hope you enjoy it!

Stories from the infamous Grand Canyon rafting trip adventure! Deeply spiritual, profoundly heart-breaking, epically terrifying, The River did not disappoint in its Power and Magnificence. Also, in this episode, the discovery that moving is sometimes the best thing we can do when things get rough. And then, sometimes, moving again is necessary! From San Francisco to Boise, Idaho and onward to Anchorage, this episode is packed! [Disclaimer - when I share about my spiritual life, please know that my approach to spiritually is an all-inclusive one. It's not about any one "belief" (or ANY belief, for that matter!). It is about connection. And a sense of Knowing. We can talk about it anytime, if you've got questions!]

In this episode, we learn what it feels like to find that perfect employment, and to leave it. To go from a 24/7 packed schedule, to hours of vast nothingness. Leaving the familiar to step into the unknown is an opportunity to grow and learn. It's also an opportunity for depression to dig in. Discovering what was my most reliable Source for help was powerful. And enlightening. And, getting knocked down by a dog helped me to learn - once again - that Gratitude is the key to survival! From Anchorage to San Francisco, the adventure continues!

Welcome to Season 5! 2009 was a pretty epic year: the entrance of Shannon, the welcoming of Maddie into my life, Ordination and Graduation as an InterFaith/InterSpiritual minister, and - after 40+ years of waiting for the moment - my pilgrimage to Assisi, Italy. All of it reminding me to be Grateful that I stayed alive to experience it. 

AND the announcement of my book! "From There to Here: an insider's guide to navigating the darkness" is now available for pre-order (through 20 March) at my website. Just go to: https://givebutter.com/from_there_to_here 

Thank you SO much!!

Beginnings, endings, travels, planning for more travels. This episode takes us to New York for Seminary, to the heart of the matter of Love, to the future of what could be, and to yet another door opening on yet another learning opportunity! As Michael Devon wrote in his song, "Here": "So we live and we learn but we only learn if we live." The learning continues. 

This is a very full episode! Looking at my inner and outer journeys of finding courage in music, in therapy, in Love, and in metaphorical knife-fighting! Guided by creative musicians, wonderful healers, sweet friends, and the amazing Dan Millman, this moment in my story reminds me that - as long as I agreed to stay - the adventures would never run out! And the episode closes with some tunes that feature the guitar and vocal skills of Mark Pearson and the magnificent bass stylings of Dolores Catherino. The journey continues! 

It's important to me to listen when The Universe tells me something. And, this week, it told me to put a hold on my story and talk about what is very real for me. And for many others. That each day, we face this darkness called depression and, sometimes, some days, it is just plain really hard. The Universe reminded me of Ram Dass' beautiful words: "We are all just walking each other home." That is what I needed to do today. Walk, with all of you. Remember to hydrate. peace.

Life is unfolding in Alaska! Discoveries of healing, of music, of friendship, of my self. And, of course, the wonderful moments of The Universe doing It's "magical thing" in my life. What is happening is a new way of learning, living, and Being in my own self. While also continuing to navigate my way through living with depression. The negotiations with the worst roommate ever continue. And the gifts of sticking around just keep coming!

Life a flower planted in a new garden, I had planted myself in Anchorage, Alaska. Exploring my new life there, meeting friends - both human and 4-legged - learning new skills, learning about myself, learning about Love (yes, again!). And making life-long connections with people who entered my life like gifts from The Universe. Welcome to Season 4!

(Happy Birthday, Azel!)

Just wanted to say hello during these potentially tricky days between Christmas and New Years. Please, if you are needing support, check in with someone. Anyone. And, if you are doing well, consider reaching out to someone who might be struggling right now.

As Ram Dass taught us: We are all just walking each other home.

peace

In this bonus episode, we finally get to hear about my spiritual journey, my relationship with That Thing That is Larger Than Me, and my continuously evolving understanding of the difference between the Big-L-Love and little-l-love (including one more mention of pudding!). And how all of this comes together to help keep me going as I continue to live with depression. The most important take away from this episode is how it is very clear that I wasn't always like this. So very Grateful for my then and my now.

Sharing stories of adventures with friends - and on my own - on the road. Texas, Idaho, Wyoming, and finally, the road that would take me to Alaska. Also looking at the importance of companions, honesty, and being willing to stay open to all of the possibilities that The Universe has to offer. In addition, there's some laughter, some ridiculousness, some sadness, and a new life beginning. Again.

Learning to navigate my "new life" (it truly felt like I started over on my 30th birthday) was challenging as The Universe was attempting to teach me about Love, through both "Big L" and "little l" experiences of it. I was not the most cooperative pupil! However, through friendship, companionship, and the ever-expanding world of my new gig with the theatre company, I was beginning to get the idea!

Looking at 1992, the year leading up to my turning 30, and the acknowledgment of the many “this-is-the-end-of-everything-oh-wait-no-it’s-not” moments I have encountered in my life. The formation of My Boys, the addition of two new friends that would change my life, and - most important of all - The Summit, on my 30th birthday. The moment that would change my life forever. 

This week, I get to introduce one of the most important people in my story. My soul-twin, my other me. My Jimmy. Also, my return to theatre and the discovery of the way I work as an actor, the introduction of The Knights, and continuing to find ways to use the darkness to keeping moving me into the light.  

Settling back into life in Ohio, find my way to living what might be considered a "normal" life. With the help of my lifelines - my family, Carl, Michael, and others - as well as some custom-made mix-8-tracks and a sweet little piano, I continue to find reasons to live and to keep the Demons from moving in and taking over. 

Welcome to Season Three!

We begin this new season by taking a look back at my departure from NYC, my time in Hudson, and my return to Cleveland. And seeing all of this through the lens of what Healing means to me: the perpetual, on-going experience of returning to my own strong inner self. 

This episode - which runs a bit longer than previous episodes - takes us right into the experience of ECT (shock treatment). How it impacted me and how I survived it. Life in the hospital, out of the hospital, back into the hospital, and - ultimately - out of New York City (that part of the story is my favourite!). I walked through the valley of the shadow and - miraculously - chose to walk out of it. And life truly began.

Six weeks into my stay on the psych unit - 10 West - the arrival of another patient, Clare, brought about a shift in me. Sadly, what I learned from Clare ended up pulling me into a much darker place. I became someone I didn't recognize. And then, I was offered an option that would change everything. Again. 

We have arrived at the part of the story where I admitted myself into the psych unit of a New York City hospital. This episode gives a taste of what life was like on the unit (that word "taste" is a clue - there was a lot of pudding!!). I learned how to navigate the system of tricking my psychiatrists with lies while discovering the power of honesty with one of the psychiatric nurses. Things seem to be going along fine....Until the arrival of a patient named Clare.

Here is where the story goes deeper and gets a bit darker. My time in New York City - although brief - changed the course of my entire life. In this episode, you'll hear a bit more about Michael, about my moment of success on a cabaret stage, a couple of moments that might have made all of this impossible, and the moment that I was truly rescued. Thanks, as always, for listening and for the support.