Silent Women’s Club Podcast

My doctor retired and I cried.

Going to a therapist is a good thing. But if you don’t address your grief, then you may not get what’s best for you in that experience. Grief counseling is a good for you no matter how long ago you experienced loss.

Grief has a mind of its own. Some days it’s bearable and life feels livable. Some days it’s neither high nor low. And some days it’s insufferable.

The world is just catching up to us with all this talk about the “new normal.” We’ve been living our own “new normals” since life changed for us, right? As Mother’s Day approaches, I’m feeling “meh” about it. That’s my normal.

“I’m going through,” is what you say when life has you down. What if we started thinking of “going through” as a process to “getting out” or “getting better?” It’s something I’m thinking about.

There is a day for everything and today is National Tell A Story Day. It’s your day! Your day to tell the story that caused your grief and your good. Good Grief! Tell that story and let it all hang out!

I met Diona Murray of @barrenfruit three years ago. Her Infertility Empowerment Conference helped me to accept that I am an infertile woman. It had never dawned on me that the fibroids that caused my pre-term labor, the loss of my Daniel, and that would later lead to my doctor telling me that I would not be able to have children equaled infertility. I now proclaim, realize and exclaim it. I am whole.

In 2018, I published my book, Sunshine and Daniel: Seeking Grace in Lost Motherhood out of a call to share my story to help mothers who have lost children. For the next several Sundays, join me as we read through Sunshine and Daniel together. You can read along in your book, or listen and let the stories comfort and bless you. Mum, our love speaks!

On Sunday, the beginning of this week, another Black man was killed by police. His name is Daunte Wright. He wasn’t my child, but he is my child. As a grieving Black mother, his death is my son’s death. His death causes my soul to hurt all over again. It signals that I have to do something for my mental health. So, Mum, I write a sentence to my-maternal-self; 10, 50, 100 times. My maternal mental health requires it.

What’s your gift? Everyone has a gift. That includes you, Mum. There is something you have in you that helps other people feel better, do better and be better. Every single person has a gift. Think about yours and give it to the world. We need it.

I just finished a new workout. Strength training. At my age! As I walk this grieving journey, I owe it to myself, those I remember, and those I serve to be fit. It’s African American Women’s Fitness Month. And I’m worth it.

As I prayed for you today, Mum, something about you impressed me. Your love. That love that confounds you. That love that cherishes memories. That love that sustains you. That love that reaches heaven. Your love, Mum, is a love that endures.

A friend reminded me of the importance of stretching. It physically eases sore muscles. Stretching is a powerful tool for our emotional hurts, too. Spiritual stretching keeps us whole.

Do you remember Janet Jackson’s popular ‘90s song, “What have you done for me lately?” It posed a good question to someone who was not holding up their end of a relationship. Now, I’m taking a twist on her question to ask you - what have you done for you lately?

I had to have some testing this morning. An ultrasound to be exact. The wild goose chase I was sent on to get to ultrasound took me where I did not want to be, but the path back led me to grace.

One year. It’s been one year. At times, I’ve felt like I had faceplanted into a wall or down the steps with everything that’s happened during the course of this past year. Despite all of it, I’ve learned some things. Like how much I appreciate life.

You know how you dream and pray and wish for something but never get it? Then you see someone else with it and you feel some kind of way about it? I’m thinking about how other people have what I’ve prayed for. Like a son. I’m thinking about moms who have sons. I’m thinking about Mums who’ve lost sons, too.

I’ve learned to raise my hand on my own behalf. I’ve learned to raise my hand to say - See me. Hear me. Help me. Grief empowers me to do that for myself.

I said in a post the other day, “Treat yourself like you are someone you love.” Several people asked about that statement. Well, loving you with encouragement, motivation and inspiration starts on the inside. Delve in with me.

Last night, President Biden delivered a speech that I needed. In it he said, “but I promise you the day will come a small the memory of the loved one you lost will bring a smile to your lips before a tear to your eye.” I know those days. I have more of them. But I still needed his speech.

Love is a transforming force. Mother’s love starts to develop as the child develops in the womb. Where does it go when the child dies? It needs a place to land. In came my Mylo.

Life comes at you. Life often sucks. Especially now with - just - everything. No matter though, there is always a bright side. Not mindless positivity thinking. Actual things in life that brighten your day. And maybe your outlook.

There should be a rule that once a woman loses her child, she is immune from any more loss, heartache, illness or suffering. It’s only fair. Though no such rule exists, because of who we are and what we’ve been through, we have what it takes to face what life throws at us.

When Charlie Brown would exclaim, “Good Grief,” he often held his head in his hands in anguish. It was always a negative response to something terrible that happened to him. If only he had known that Good Grief is possible. Us Mums know it. And we’re walking into the good of grief with purpose.

Life is not getting any easier. I’m preparing for new treatment for my eye disease and I’m not ready for any of it. And I’m smiling. Yes, I’m smiling. The pain and hurt is still there. My heart is still broken, but I’ve got a smile over my broken pieces.

Little Deaurra Nealy’s father said that she was a perfect child. We can certainly understand. Many parents feel that way about their angels. Sadly, Deaurra, known affectionately as “Aurri,” received her wings on January 16, 2021 due to complications from COVID-19. Children can die from this virus. Children are dying from this virus. And their parents are grieving. This is not a hoax.

This week, as a nation, we finally recognized that we are grieving. I needed that. I needed the nation to recognize the grief that necessarily hangs over us. We remember and honor each one. Your loved one is remembered. You who remain are remembered as you mourn. You are remembered. And I hold you in my prayers and heart.

People talk about getting back to “normal,” and the “new normal.” But normal left my life 17 years ago. I now live in my doable.

“I’m here. You’re not by yourself.” The words of Rontunda Moran as she held her 17 year old son, Jaquan Anderson’s hand as he died of heart failure complicated by COVID-19. This is not a hoax.

“There comes a time when silence is betrayal.” - Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Thinking about this today and wondering what it means for the Silent Women’s Club.

“I don’t feel anymore. I feel like I’m incomplete.” Those are the words of Chantel Brooks, whose 4 year old son, Xavier, died of cardiac arrest due to complications of COVID-19 the day after Christmas. We understand how she feels. But we all wish we didn’t. This is not a hoax.

Kimora LeShee’ “Kimmie” Lynum was diagnosed with a urinary tract infection and 103 temperature when her mother, Mikasha Young-Holmes took her to the hospital. They were sent home. Six days later, when Kimmie failed to wake from her nap, the hospital tested her. Kimmie died having tested positive for COVID -19. It’s not a hoax.

The ER doctor told mom, Lastassija White, “She will be fine. It doesn’t affect kids.” She and Tagan were discharged and sent home. Tagan died 15 hours later. Little Tagan was not treated properly. Her parents tell their story “to bring light” to other parents. This is not a hoax.

More than 121 children have died from COVID-19. In September 2020, the Washington Post said child deaths are “remarkably low.” Tell that to the mothers who’ve lost their children. The mostly black and Hispanic mothers. Their stories are precious. We cannot remain Silent.

What I didn’t realize is what I’ve overcome. I had to read my story to see my story. 2020 sucks! This year is awful. But I am not. I was bruised. But not utterly broken this year. The same is true for you, Mum.

One in four women. One in four patients. That one is me. I am the one in four. I am the one.

I’m thankful. I may not feel it but I will it. Empty chairs won’t deter me this year. No matter what, for my dreams and my future, my Thanks Giving starts today.

There’s a still, small and subtle presence within me that gives me the strength to go on every day. Some days, it’s a voice. Other days it’s a feeling. A breath. An awareness up my spine that reminds me I can make it. I’m tapping into that today.

“Big girls don’t cry.” That’s a lie I learned as a little girl. Well, I’m a full grown woman now and sometimes, I cry.

A moment of silence is refreshing. It is also unnerving. It is important to our personal health to take time to just be silent. Even if life around you encroaches on it.

It’s Grace Day! I know that sounds odd today but instead of being anxious and allowing the magnitude of today take us into a spiral, why not wrap yourself in Grace? Be good to yourself today. And no matter what the day brings, you bring Grace to you.

Her name is Kathy Brant. She’s asked, Why did they do this to me?” It’s a good question. She needs a good answer.

When will Black mothers stop losing their children to police shootings? When will Black mothers children matter? Walter Wallace’s mother lost her son yesterday on the street in Philadelphia. And she stood there. Watching. As he was killed by the police. When will the lives of Black mothers children matter? Someone tell me when? When?

Maternity leave is a staple in the US today. What if we had the same expectation for the bereaved Mum? Three days or one week alway from work is not enough of the time needed to grieve.

I was thinking about what I’m thankful for today. It was hard because this election cycle has included bashing the parent of an addicted child. My mom lost a child to addiction and it pains me to hear this current bullying. For you Mums who are struggling with this, I invite you to remember your child in gratitude.

The post pandemic me is so dope I can’t wait to give her to the world.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day sneaks up on me. I get this feeling, then I look at the date - October 15 and it all makes sense.

Can we hold a place in our hearts for Mums who lost their pregnancies through abortion and termination? Every loss of a child hurts. Every loss carries pain. Abortion and terminations carry condemnation. No child loss ever should.

When someone says you are strong, believe them and learn to accept the supernatural strength that is in you. It may not feeling like it, but Mum, every day you keeping going, living and loving, you are overcoming.